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People often talk about how it impacts children when they don’t receive much love from their parents. However, an issue that’s not addressed enough is how it can impact a caregiver’s well-being when kids make them feel they are not needed.
Just like today’s original poster (OP) who was contemplating whether she should let her 10-year-old live with his father full time as he preferred his dad over his mom. Feeling unneeded and neglected, the woman vented online and sought advice on how to deal with the sad situation that she was in.
More info: Mumsnet
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The poster of this story split up with her husband when their son was just an 18-month-old baby, and she has been his primary caregiver ever since
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
When he visited dad, he got to play with his step-siblings, and also received expensive things from his father, so he thought dad was the more ‘fun’ parent
Image credits: beigecurtians
Image credits: Nathan Cowley (not the actual photo)
But his dad and stepmom lied to him that they gave his mom £100 each month, when actually they only gave a £60 allowance which his mom used for all his expenses
Image credits: beigecurtians
Image credits: Kindel Media (not the actual photo)
Apart from this lie, the poster felt that her ex was poisoning her son against her as he was always rude and distant whenever he returned from his dad’s place
Image credits: beigecurtians
Feeling unneeded, sad and confused, she asked netizens about what they would do in a similar situation
After the poster and her husband split up, she was the primary caregiver to their son while he visited his dad from time to time. Her ex remarried and had other kids, and he also splurged on expensive brands for their son. So, the son thought dad is the more ‘fun’ parent than mom.
One day, his dad and stepmom even told him that they give his mom £100 allowance every month. And, a kid being a kid, he went home and asked his mom why she didn’t let him use the money. So, OP explained to him that it was only £60 that she was given, and she needed it to take care of his expenses.
Apart from this lie, OP also felt that the kid’s dad was poisoning him against her, as many times when he came back from her ex, he was rude and distant towards her. She felt really hurt that she gave him all the basic things that were possible from her end, yet the child preferred her ex just because he got lavish things from him.
Drowning in hurt and also feeling unneeded, she wondered whether it would be the right time to send her child to live with his dad for good. She felt that he was getting everything he needed from his other family so there was no point in forcing him to stay with her. Probably feeling confused, she went online to seek some advice.
Quite a few of the netizens opened up about how they were or had also been through similar situations where the kids preferred their rich fathers over divorced mothers. And sad as it was to see, it was the reality for them. They also said that it was probably the right time to just let him stay with his father rather than letting things go haywire between them.
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
However, a few others felt that, in the end, he was just a kid and didn’t know better. They said that at his age, expensive things are more attractive. But once he grows up and starts to think for himself, he will realize that he was wrong. People suggested that she should just take things in her stride at the moment, but also just let her kid be.
Author Janet Lansbury, who runs a successful parenting podcast, mentioned in her article that kids often prefer one parent and reject the other. She said, “Rejected Parents should embrace this opportunity because it is the role of a lifetime with hero written all over it.”
“Sure, ‘No, Mommy (or Daddy), I don’t want you!’ does not feel nice, but remember, our child only feels safe rejecting us because he or she is secure in our love. So, rejection is a back-handed compliment of sorts. We’re doing something right. Of course, it still feels crappy.”
Even if the kid prefers his dad, he doesn’t know how much his mom is doing for him. Some people online advised her to stay strong in the situation, while also calling out her ex-husband for trying to poison the child’s mind against her, and also lying to the kid about the allowance amount.
Netizens pointed out that if the father lied about such a big thing, he could also keep lying in the future if the kid stayed with him. Research suggests that kids whose parents frequently lie to them are more likely to lie to their parents later in life. Looks like it might have an adverse impact on the kid, just as people online pointed out.
Our hearts also go out to the devastated mom. Netizens said that it was not her fault that the kid preferred his dad because she was doing everything that she could. They expressed their sympathy but also advised her that she should let him move in with her ex if it was in the kid’s best interest.
If you are stuck in a similar conundrum, what would you do? Feel free to write down your thoughts in the comments!
Netizens empathized with her that she felt unneeded, and called out the ex-husband for lying to his kid about the allowance amount
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What do you think ?
Kristiina 1 year ago
The minimum child support in my country is 480 euros and if the other parent can't pay it full due to lack of funds the government pays the difference. UK is a European country and I am shocked that the amount is that low.
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Anne Nielsen 1 year ago
It is hard to even think about. Your son may not appreciate what you have done for him, until he has a family. Dad will probably never tell him the truth about money. Bank records would be helpful. There is an Amish saying. The truth will outen. Eventually he will understand that his father made his choice to not treat him the sam as step children or his half sibling. Equally, in part to punish mom. It is a lot to hope and wait for. But if you had it to do over, would you have done things differently? If you gave all you could, and did what you could. It is the BEST you could do. Your sone needs to mature a LOT, before he will understand what your sacrifice was/is. Trust that you raised him well. Trust he will not always be blinded by material goods. Raised correctly, someday he will remember to say thank you.
Temple 1 year ago (edited)
Exactly. My cousin's husband left her with two children. She has been the sole provider. Her first graduated university this year, and her second will start next year. In all these, the man shows up like once in two or three years with enough money to buy a dozen packs of instant noodles and thinks he has done soooo much. The girls, however, adore him. They think the world of him and blame their mother for the split. For the past 12 years, their mother has had to provide, discipline, and provide guidance. Everytime she complains, my Ma tells her that they are still her children, and the only time they will understand the level of her sacrifices is when they have families of their own.
Load More Replies... Kristiina 1 year ago
The minimum child support in my country is 480 euros and if the other parent can't pay it full due to lack of funds the government pays the difference. UK is a European country and I am shocked that the amount is that low.
Load More Replies... Anne Nielsen 1 year ago
It is hard to even think about. Your son may not appreciate what you have done for him, until he has a family. Dad will probably never tell him the truth about money. Bank records would be helpful. There is an Amish saying. The truth will outen. Eventually he will understand that his father made his choice to not treat him the sam as step children or his half sibling. Equally, in part to punish mom. It is a lot to hope and wait for. But if you had it to do over, would you have done things differently? If you gave all you could, and did what you could. It is the BEST you could do. Your sone needs to mature a LOT, before he will understand what your sacrifice was/is. Trust that you raised him well. Trust he will not always be blinded by material goods. Raised correctly, someday he will remember to say thank you.
Temple 1 year ago (edited)
Exactly. My cousin's husband left her with two children. She has been the sole provider. Her first graduated university this year, and her second will start next year. In all these, the man shows up like once in two or three years with enough money to buy a dozen packs of instant noodles and thinks he has done soooo much. The girls, however, adore him. They think the world of him and blame their mother for the split. For the past 12 years, their mother has had to provide, discipline, and provide guidance. Everytime she complains, my Ma tells her that they are still her children, and the only time they will understand the level of her sacrifices is when they have families of their own.
Load More Replies...
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