Parents Demand 18-Year-Old Son Start Acting Like An Adult, He Goes No-Contact And Offers To Sell Parents His Forgiveness 16 Years Later
What do our parents owe us, and what do children owe their parents? These questions are at the core of one user’s story on the AITA subreddit.
Not every family can provide for its children in the same way, and most of us understand that. What most people have come to expect, however, is that they and their siblings are treated as equals when it comes to receiving financial, emotional, and other types of support from their parents.
In the following story, however, that’s not what happened. Read on to see why the author of the Reddit post felt that he’d been treated unfairly and how he responded. Then, we’ll see whether Reddit thinks he went too far.
This man doesn’t think he owes his parents his time because they cut him off but spoiled his siblings
Image credits: Christian Dubovan (not the actual image)
He told his story to hear whether he was right to ask his parents to pay for his forgiveness
Image credits: micheile henderson (not the actual image)
Image credits: Kampus Production (not the actual image)
Image credits: Professional_Rub4448
Some questioned his actions, but many thought he was in the right for standing up to his parents
The bonds between children and parents are deep and complex, and they change as they both grow older. In most cultures around the world, people understand that children and parents can owe one another a great deal, but the nature of that relationship is for each and every one of us to decide.
So when this man was cut off to fend for himself at 18 while his younger siblings enjoyed total financial support, most commenters agreed that he had the right to feel resentment. He had, for better or worse, been forced to struggle while his siblings enjoyed relative luxury.
Parental favoritism like this can lead to psychological issues for offspring who feel like they’ve been unfairly treated. A study performed by researchers in Hong Kong and California indicated the following: “Adolescents who believe that their parents treat them differently from their siblings have poorer psychosocial well-being than otherwise. This phenomenon, which is known as parental differential treatment or PDT, occurs in up to 65% of families.”
For most, the question of whether the post author was wrong came down to whether or not his response was appropriate
Comments defending the author’s parents generally also acknowledged that he had been treated unfairly. However, those commenters also emphasized the importance of the cause for the author’s unfair treatment. According to him, his parents claimed that their unequal treatment had been because his parents realized their mistake and tried to compensate for it with his siblings. This did little to solve his resentment, however.
What’s important is that wherever your opinion falls, this was a difficult situation for everyone involved. The author’s parents wanted to correct their mistakes and reconnect with their child, while the post’s author wanted some sort of acknowledgement of the difficulties his parents had put him through. We’d love to hear your take in the comments – do you think the author was right or wrong to act the way he did?
Some commenters weren’t sure that “selling his forgiveness” was the right thing to call it
Most agreed that the OP was not in the wrong here
Others could see the parents’ side, thinking they had acted unfairly because they sought to correct their mistakes
What people ignore here is that OP was civil at first and invited them to the wedding. But his entitled parents demanded that he treated them to more. They wanted to be part of the wedding and being allowed to be involved after they've chosen to not be involved all those years in between. That's why OP is NTA. Hi parents demanded rent. They demanded he gets through school all on his own. Yes they gave him some money but they refused to give him emotional support. Then they turned around and gave his YOUNGER siblings money, let them live there rent free AND supported them. They didn't bother too keep contact in between, they didn't bother to give emotional support. But now, without any mention of them ever trying to mend bridges, they demand that OP behaves as if all of that never happened and let them play supportive parents. They're delusional. They should have just accepted the invitation and come to the wedding. OP had thrown them and olive branch, but they demanded the whole tree
The one YTA reply: "Sounds like you started treating them like landlords..." Um actually, the Parents are the ones who wanted to be treated like landlords. OP was maliciously complying.
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Apparently saying power (whether small or big) and being involved in the wedding. Despite not making more of an effort to be closer with him. Nor paying a small portion of things. And for those who think I'm making things up like the other commentor, read what was said; they wanted to be involved with the wedding. Think about what that typically means for parents of the bride and groom. What roles they play; In the wedding party, going to cake tasting, dress shopping, some other cultural stuff, etc. so maybe it wouldn't have been telling OP and his gf that they should have this flower instead of that but it likely could have been something like that. Or trying to be in the wedding party at all. Lots of options and they still hadn't done the bare minimum to be involved (keeping up a closer bond or maybe money for the wedding but the former is very important.)
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This resonates with me. I wasn’t the best academically while both my siblings found school pretty easy so when I got less than impressive exam results I was told that I should get a job. The only job I could get was low-paid catering work and I gave half my weekly wage to my mother. I went to night class and re-sat my exams getting good enough grades to go to Uni. I moved out, studied and worked throughout my time there - almost trying to compensate for my earlier failure in their eyes. My academically gifted siblings both got good degrees but still lived at home, rent free being financially supported by my parents. This still goes on today and, while I’ve been fully independent for decades, I do occasionally feel a twinge of resentment that the same expectations were not asked of them. Phone calls aside I haven’t seen any of them for years. Perhaps that’s for the best.
To be honest, you have to do what's best for you. If they were not supportive when you needed them, there's no reason to try to keep a relationship with people who don't care about you. Anybody can have children, but not everybody can be a good parent.
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What people don't seem to understand is that nobody is obliged to forgive you. Even if you apologise. This looks like a toxic relationship, but the parents can't expect to be involved in their son's life because they feel like it, after 16 years of virtually no contact. They may have had their reasons, but they sound like real a******s.
While it is true that nobody is obligated to forgive, holding on to a grudge is incredibly destructive for the person holding the grudge. I would hope that people who cannot forgive out of love or care for the other person can do it out of love and care for themselves.
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The people who are saying "he worked and turned out fine" don't understand poverty trauma. It causes long-term psychological damage to be constantly fearful about if you're going to get the next bill paid. Working yourself into exhaustion whilst going to school can also cause psychological damage, because you don't get the down time your mind and body require to rest and restore. As much as A**l Musk insists on a billionaire mindset, very few people can go for 18 hours a day every day. We aren't built for it. OP knows his parents could have made things easier for him (like letting him live at home for free) but they chose not to. That's a Boomer attitude of "I suffered, so you should too." It's the worst thing parents can do to their kids. Most people can't just let go of that kind of hurt. Good on him for getting a scholarship, moving away, and building a life, but I see entirely why he doesn't want his family to be much a part of it.
He wasn’t in poverty. His parents gave him money and he didn’t ask for help. You know, living frugally is not poverty.
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wtaf is wrong with people calling him an ah???? NTA all the way. He has every right to do what he did.
NW his parents were f****d up. They charged him rent giving his a more financial headache while trying to make us future better. I'm sure his parents paid for the siblings education as well as housing. Meaning he got to hear about them coasting by while he was struggling. Surprised they were invited to the wedding at all.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think this is a golden child scenario... op wasn't kicked out, he left because he was offended when his parents charged him rent. After he left he went minimal contact and apparently held a decades long grudge. If I had to see it from the parents perspective, a lesson on responsibility before their first born went to school went horribly wrong. They essentially lost their kid over something petty and stupid. They didn't do it with the other kids because they were afraid the same thing would happen again. (Probably overcompensated too, since now they're struggling) Its a very common tactic in certain circles to charge your kids rent when they're out of highschool, hold onto the money, and present it to the kid on the first day of uni or moving out as a reward. Some parent sprinkle some extra cash in there as well. I don't know if that was their intention, but if it was, could you imagine loosing your kid over it?
“They essentially lost their kid over something petty and stupid. They didn't do it with the other kids because they were afraid the same thing would happen again. They also chose to let their eldest child go virtually NC because although they realised they’d done something petty and stupid, they would rather lose the love of their firstborn child than admit that they were wrong.” I mean, it’s an argument of sorts, I suppose.
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There is a very common family structure where one child is grossly unfavored by the parents, where as the other or others are clearly the golden child/children. Sounds like there is more to this that has gone on over the years. So probably NTA as some of you suggest. Coming from a very toxic family I know exactly how.these conversations go down. It's never just a simole sorry, always a but involved.
I’m highly confused. First child - here’s money towards college and please start paying rent as you’re 18 and you had to move out because you went to college in a different city anyway. Later siblings - here’s money towards college and we don’t know what the talks about rent were or how old they were when they started college. 18 in May vs 18 in September may have impacted, also the amount of money needed to pay for the college courses themselves for each kid. It may be that the money given to each child is the same overall, and we have no way of knowing from the information given to us.
You are so right Frances. All we know is the OP's narrative, what he personally chose to share with us. For all we know his parents might not have spent any more on his younger siblings education then they did on his. And while they chose to live at home he opted to attend University in some distant location and chose to have very limited contact with his parents. He also talks about both sides of his mouth. Out of the one side he says that he doesn't want their money. Out of the other side he suggests to us that his forgiveness is for sale with his admission that he sent them an itemized list of how much it would cost them. This was done against his fiancee's advice, BTW. I'll bet the wedding invitation to his parents was more her idea than his. I might be having second thoughts about marrying him if I were her.
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I'm very confused by this post. OP says he was expected to be independent but then says his parents gave him a significant sum of money they had saved for him. We don't have any idea of what his rent had cost at that time or what the actual arrangements the parents had with the younger siblings. The family estrangement seems rooted in something else not mentioned in this post. The fact he would send his parents an itemized list of bills seems unhinged.
There is a whole lot of info missing from this story, which makes it really difficult to parse out what's actually going on here.
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I hate when people act like feeding and clothing someone for 18 years of their life is like a favor. Nope you signed up for that when you decided to have a kid. They didnt ask to be born and if you're expecting to be applauded for doing the bare minimum of providing for a child YOU decided to have, then you shouldn't have had them. That's more so directed at one of the comments, but it really gets on my nerves because SO many people should not have kids at all but have multiple as if they'll do better after a little practice when its literally a human life that's molded by their upbringing.
So your parents gave you a couple of thousand bucks(which is more than what almost everyone gets from their parents) you yourself said you didn't keep in contact with the people who love you and just gave you a couple of thousand dollars because you were "busy". They acknowledged they made mistakes (apologized or said they were wrong), and you are offended that they want to be more involved in your wedding and life. Am I missing something or have an incorrect understanding of events? And the rent they wanted was it more or less than the apartment you found? It just seems like there is more to the story.
This is definitely a 'too little info' story. Those who don't acknowledge this interpret whatever is in their favor (and considering the target audience, it is more often in the favor of the 'neglected' child) and those who see the lack rather call the OP an AH because that's how it actually seems if one accounts for the personal bias of the OP (and even without). Paying rent, which is far below the usual prices is very common and also very fair, it keeps the family together while preventing many from becoming lazy bums. Working experience is utterly necessary and better not just gotten after graduating with however many degrees. Parents wanting to be involved with a wedding is also natural and doesn't mean that they want to direct anything. Of course do also younger siblings have a higher chance to remain at their parents home because there is more space. Is it unfair? Yes. However older siblings can have their own sets of advantages. Of which many are forfeit by oneself.
Load More Replies... I understand the argument on both sides, however, my question is, would his parents have ever apologized if it wasn't for the wedding invitation in the first place? The wedding invitation came and then they acknowledged their mistakes. If that had never come, would things have stayed the same? They were not held accountable until forced to do so.
I'll bet the wedding invitation was more her idea than his, especially since she advised him not to send the itemized list of how much his forgiveness would cost them. I think she wants a relationship with his parents more badly than he does.
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"Get over it" The people saying that they admitted their mistakes. No they didn't. They did the equivalent of saying, "I'm sorry my actions made you feel that way, but it's your fault for getting upset". They're not apologizing or admitting they were in the wrong. They just don't want to hear about it anymore. They want him to "get over it". Thet hurt him and they're acting like the victims. He's simply refusing to take their emotional abuse, which is exactly what this is. I see it all the time in my own family and it's disgusting.
That's exactly the only problem with the parents. Sure, everyone makes mistakes but they're clearly not sorry. No one who is sorry ever says "it's in the past, get over it". People who genuinely believe they made a mistake apologize and try to make up for it.
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For those who are saying the OP is the AH, where have the parents been the last 16 years? Have they shown any interest in the OP during this time or have they tried to ignore his existence? Who initiates this yearly phone call and why? The OP is NTA in my opinion. Live your best life with your future wife.
He doesn't say; which, in itself is telling. If they'd ignored him for 16 years he'd probably be going on about being abandoned. For all we know they've been trying to open lines of communication this entire time. OP admits to making himself 'busy' to avoid his family so he's clearly the one puting up the distance. We also have to remember they did not kick him out pennyless into the street. They gave him money for school and were willing to let him live at home if he paid rent. Not an uncommon ask of an 18 year old with a job going to college.
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Honestly I don't understand all the NTA people. OP's parents set aside money for him for college and gave it to him. They asked for rent when he turned 18 so instead he moved out. He was able to pursue a college degree with their monetary help and in his words he has a decent job so what's the problem? He's mad because his parents didn't charge his siblings rent? Is that seriously your only gripe that they got to live at home rent free? I mean did they buy your siblings cars, houses, pay for all their education? Is there more he isn't saying? Like seriously what is he complaining about? My sister was my Dad's favorite. I was second and my brother was third. My Dad made no attempts to hide this and was very open it. As such, my sister recieved special treatment. But he still helped out all 3 of us. Did my brother and I get the short end of the stick sometimes? Sure. But I'm an adult. I got over that so many years ago. OP needs to grow up.
I think we are hearing one very slanted side of the story from one very entitled child. Yes, I said child, because he is still acting like one. He admitted he didn't have anything to do with them while in school because he was busy. He was pissed not busy. No child should ever assume that their parents can or should pay for them to attend college. It sounds as if this guy was being a brat and that is why his parents asked for rent. It sounds as if the parents didn't demand to be part of anything they just wanted to know why they were excluded. As a parent I have to say, there is no winning. If you try to help and support children, you are a jerk because you are trying to "control" them. If you leave them to do it for themselves you aren't " supporting" them. YTA
Dude, parents demanding rent because they don't like the behavior of their child is financial manipulation and a form of abuse. I'm not debating if that's what they did or not, I'm responding to your thought that OP is a Brat and that's why parents charged rent. The fact you think that is acceptable is horrifying.
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I dunno. My sister and I have the same parents. They divorced when I was 4 and she 6. When I was 13 my dad and stepmom had a baby. They divorced when that baby was 8 and she lived with my dad. When we were growing up and we visited he was attentive and loving. When we were at home, it was out of mind. However, he was an amazing dad to our little sister. My older sister and I were always just happy our baby sister had a good relationship with him. We were never jealous. Of course we knew if we were living with him we would have been treated the same as we were when with him. If he was abusive we may have had different feelings about it all. I dunno. But as first time parents we learn things we wouldn't have done if we had known
better. And why would we do the same things that didn't work if we now know better? That seems silly.
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You all need to remember that we are ONLY hearing one side of the story. We don't know if the parents have been trying to be a part of their life or not. I went through the same thing, but it also made me stronger and more independent. My sibling ended being dependent on my parents up into her 50's. I would much rather have my life than hers, and I have the relationship with my kids that I always wanted with my parents. I'm better off for it and I learned to put up huge boundaries to keep from being hurt by them.
Whatever one thinks about the whole situation, what gets my goat is that "he should get over it". That is not for his parents to decide. It's up to him whether he "gets over it" or not. I would like to point out that him getting over it benefits the parents more than him and is thus self-serving more than anything else.
NTA. OP was literally booted out of the house the moment he turned 18. Yes, his parents gave him money. But it smacks of "here, take this money, leave, and don't come back." Yet not only did they allow his siblings to remain at home after turning 18, OP'S parents indulged them. That was pretty much an in-your-face f-u to OP. His parents must have blown a fortune on their golden children, to be in debt after 16 years. The "bill" OP sent them was never intended to be paid; he wanted to make a point. It was pretty ballsy (entitled) of his family to ask why they weren't included in the wedding. In his place, I wouldn't have even extended an invitation; they didn't earn the privilege. In fact, it might be a better idea to rescind the invitation; there's no telling what kind of drama his family may stir up at the ceremony/reception.
I had to work and scrabble my way through university, going Canadian winters without a coat because I couldn't afford one. Constantly sick and terrified of whether I'd make my bills. Rarely sleeping more than 5 hours a night because I had to work and study. As I watched my parents buy my younger sister gorgeous clothes, sign off on her getting student loans because they didn't want her to have "stress" at university. I asked them why, they yelled at me that it wasn't my place to question their parenting. I was just not the favourite child. Sucks to be them. I have CPTSD and they won't let anyone think they're less than perfect, so they're stuck supporting me till I'm through my years-long therapy program.
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One word, "Effort". Relationship needs effort. If you don't bother to put in that effort then don't bother to get the same. So I say what he did is right. It's not easy to forgive something that causes you quite the trauma.
So let's get this straight. They minimal contact with him. Find out he's getting married. He even invites them. Then suddenly expect not only total forgiven for treating him poorly, but also to be a part of the wedding? He offered and olive branch and they tried to take the whole tree. His reaction was a bit much, but contextually it's just returning their demands in kind.
This is true. Plus he doesn't actually want money for them he was just doing the list to prove a point so I think although a bit much it's an understandable "you are being unreasonable to expect this so I will be too to show you."
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When a family treats someone rudely, unfair, or even evil or humiliating (you know what I mean by that), the worst thing is that this person who was hurt 10 or 20 years ago, the worst thing they can hear is "it was a long time ago, you should already forget about it, time goes on". So they think it was just one event. And it's very likely a situation that shaped that person's whole life. Sorry for my English, but I had to try to explain, because that is all I hear from people and it's disturbing and disgusting thinking.
Your English is very good. And I understand your point well and agree.
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Just a words to live by. Both of my parents never wanted me. Both told they lived a better life without me in their life. But I sure miss the parent who raised me. My grandfather. He was mean, cruel, and nasty to me and always told me why he is that way. Because that how his parents were to him. He said he did not want any forgiveness or expect it from me. From that I learn not to hold anything against him or my parents. As I did not want it to be passed onto my kids. I regret not telling him I loved him before he died. Past is in the past. It define you, but does not make you unless you allow it to shape you.
As a Christian, I always thought merely saying, "Jesus loves you" was too easy and too shallow. And as I sit reading this in the middle of the night, yeah, I guess it is too easy and shallow for me to say so right now. But I can't help it. I don't know if you believe in Christ or not, but if you believe in any sort of justice, you have to believe someone out there loves you because Wow! you deserve to be loved. If you haven't found someone yet, I sure hope you find someone to help you experience the love you so richly deserve.
Load More Replies... Wow, you people in the comments saying he's entitled is disgusting. Being given money doesn't make up for years of neglect, then added pain of watching the other siblings be favored. Also, not all money is given freely. We don't know if this money had strings attached (like, you only get this money if you leave) but getting money from parents is not always a good thing and money NEVER makes up for being abused (emotionally in this case). Everyone with the view of him being entitled is so focused on him receiving money, him "selling" his forgiveness, him tallying up the expenses he had to pay for, that you are completely missing that THE PARENTS are the ones that taught him monetary value of his worth, and it wasn't worth as much as his siblings. OP even stated that he didn't know how better to phrase his title (Selling Forgiveness) to get his point across, which means that was not how he was thinking about it at all when he wrote it up. Goodness people.
You say we don’t know all the details, however you are doing the same. We don’t know all the left out details? OP sounds EXTREMELY entitled…
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The sheer entitlement from the OP is crazy. The parents asked him to pay rent, not move out — he decided to do that. They felt that asking him to pay rent had been a mistake, so they didn't do that for their other children, even though that decision clearly was an incredible financial burden — they had to go into debt to do it! Yet the OP doesn't care that the fact that his parents clearly gave him a decent start — he acknowledged that the money they GAVE HIM was instrumental to him making it on his own. The parents here aren't perfect, but the OP is the one who decided to essentially cut them out of his life by being busy. Presenting them with an itemized f*****g bill of how he feels his siblings got preferential treatment is the f*****g topper to a s**t-tier cake. The parents reacted badly to that, clearly, which doesn't reflect well on them; don't tell someone to "get over it." But yeah, OP is the a*****e here. Sometimes parents aren't financially stable. Have some damn perspective.
My dude...no. They had their chance to make a genuine apology and they started instead with the get over it attitude. Sorry but OP isn't cutting them off, they're getting invited to a wedding and rightfully slapped in the face for asking why they weren't involved in planning said thing. He was busy in college and the parents had ample opportunities in a decade and a half to apologize and try to reconnect: they didn't. They're getting what they deserve, they're getting what they asked for. Though a parent might learn from having more than one child and the oldest is a test run of sorts, that person is human and the mistakes you make cannot be covered with "it was a long time ago". If the parents had taken accountability that would've been way different, but shaming their child because a lot of time has past IS NOT taking accountability.
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My older stepbrother was given everything as was my younger siblings, but because I wasn't my stepmoms, I shouldn't have been able to have anything. Even BUYING MY OWN CAR 100%! When I brought up my stepbrother being given a car, I was told I got a bed, 2nd hand from a friend of my stepmom's who was just getting rid of stuff. Told her to take it back and I'll sleep on the floor. She didn't expect that. Moved out when I was 18 and told my dad when I got married that I didn't care what he told her, she was NOT to attend. Honestly, he's lucky he was invited. I doubt he will b again, if I ever get married again
So instead of fixing their mistake with the child they hurt, they reward their other children?
No they over corrected. And we're going on OP version of events. For all we know the younger siblings paied rent and lived at home through school. The mistake was going into debt trying to pay for their younger children's full tuition instead of what they could afford and requiring their kids to get loans, scholarships, student aid, etc like their older son.
Load More Replies... Hard to say either one is an a*****e, but wait til you're a parent. There's no fixed formula of what works for one works for another one. Be glad you learned to support yourself. Would you rather be a 30-something person living at home, clueless on how to take care of yourself. Your parents did you a favor. A small gesture of involving them doesn't seem outlandish. In the end, it's your life.
They saved and gave him money to help support his college education, years of saving out of love. He was nasty about being expected to contribute as an adult and instead spent MORE money by living away from home out of spite. They regretted the way things turned out and decided not to impose the same on the next 2 siblings. What we don't know: did the siblings financial help too, did they pay rent or contribute to the household while they lived there and he isn't saying anything about that. Was there a college fund available at the same level for the siblings as provided to him? Basically, he may have scared his parents into spoiling his siblings or he may have a very skewed idea of what each kid received out of his own personal resentments. I don't trust his version as the parents did give him real financial support at the time he played the bitter card when he was asked to contribute as an adult.
Demanding rent whilst your kid is going to school is like squeezing blood from a stone. It's deliberately making things harder for them in a world that's hard enough. I can see why OP was like "yeah, I'd rather give a stranger rent than my parents." And moving to the city cut his commute time, which probably helped him get a bit more rest because he had to work anyhow. My parents promised me they'd pay for my university. Then I got there, and they said "nope, you work your way through." It was such a betrayal, and it was hell on wheels to manage working and classes, especially with learning problems from brain injuries. My mum literally said "I had to suffer, so should you." Now she doesn't understand why I have CPTSD.
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I mean, they gave you money they saved for you. They didn't have to do that. Dude just seems resentful that he didn't get spoiled.
Dude just seems resentful that his parents treated his siblings better than they did him. Perhaps you should try it with your own kids - let us know how well that goes.
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These parents are something else, playing favorites is always wrong. I bet OP has a strong work ethic, is tougher and ultimately more financially secure than his coddled siblings. My mother gave all of the resources to my brother because he was the boy or some c**p. I'm more successful than him in every measurable way and a lot of immeasurable ways, he's 48 & has never even had a real job, he's a miserable person. My mother still likes him better, I don't need her approval anymore. OP is NTA.
NAH, your parents were hugely unfair to you when they cut you off financially and emotionally without warning and charged you rent and had you struggle while they treated your siblings much differently and much better. You're supposed to treat all of your kids the same, but some parents have different sets of rules for their kids that are harmful and flat out unfair and wrong. I think you were very generous to expect them at your wedding, I wouldn't have invited them at all. After the way they treated you they didn't deserve an invite. You shouldn't have asked them for anything at all and they were wrong to tell you to get over the wrong they did so they can feel better about themselves. You should cut them off like they cut you off. That was the choice they decided to make, so let them live with that. They are wrong to expect anything from you and don't even acknowledge your pain at all. They only care about themselves and your other siblings. Cut them off
Let's just start here. I absolutely agree that your parents handled this situation extremely poorly. When they decided that they handled how they treated you growing up badly and figured they needed to change that with your siblings they should have first started with making amends to you. With not starting with correcting the mistakes that they made with you personally was the biggest mistake of all! I cannot understand why they didn't start there but then lavished all the emotional and financial support onto your younger siblings and thought that this was acceptable and still didn't do anything to correct the situation with you. How could they not see this was a huge error on their part?? I just don't know. WOW!! And when they received an invitation to your wedding they should have been extremely honored that they were invited at all. But instead of thanking you for the invitation and being honored they asked for more. Unbelievable!! That is insane!! You ANTA!! They are!!
I'm going on 5yrs No Contact because of the double standards I was held too
As a parent, I can see the point of the parents. They gave him money and wanted him to pay rent. He..chose to move out and do it all on his own. I'm sure the parents were trying to insill some responsibility in them and he got butt hurt.They did not want to lose their younger children so they did things differently.As the youngest of 5 siblings I was the one who went to high-school came home to cook, clean,and take care of my dad who had MS and needed total care while my siblings were in college which my parents paid for. When Igraduated I was not able to go to college due to still responsible for my dad. After several years my brother dropped out of college and my mom paid for a night course EMT-Basic class and after the course of a few years of working as an EMT, I Finally got my paramedic license and still had to pay my mother back for the classes. I could have been resentful and not had contact with them but they are my family. If OP wants to harbor resentment then that is on him.
As a parent of 4 children ages 31, 18, 15 and 8, i feel this person needs to take a long hard look at what maybe was behind the scenes or try and understand his parents a little before being so resentful. When parents are starting out and beginning their families, money is tight. Alot of times that oldest child is in a way, the guinea pig for many mistakes. This is generally why the eldest usually becomes the most independent because they have to learn to adjust to lot of things with growing families. As each child leaves the home, parents are usually in a better place financially, more established with bills, etc. Too many parents make the mistake of supplying help for the younger siblings cuz they now have means when they didnt with the eldest. They shouldnt, they should keep it fair. That is the mistake many make. But it isnt out of favoritism, i feel. Its more out.of guilt, i think, that they wish they could've helped all of them. You only get one family. Communicate.
No, if the parents truly didn't have money and realized their wrong, then they should have tried to make it better earlier ... when they found out.
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I'll never understand why people want to be involved in the plan of a wedding that wasn't theirs. I gladly come in as a guest, burden- free. These parents should be happy that their first born made this far on his own. Isn't that the purpose of making him independent at 18 y.o?
I honestly feel like OP is TA. No one gets it right on the first try and his parents consciously saved for his education and gave him the money to help him out. I’m not trying to take away from his trauma but he was sounding rather entitled. Idk the amount that was saved but that’s more than what most first children can say was done for them growing up. I didn’t have half that support growing up or getting through school. And on top of that after coming home from being out of state my first year of college I was homeless! My parents moved out of the townhome we used to stay in without letting me and my sibling know and all of our belongings were just gone! They didn’t save for us to go to school and barely helped us get through. I feel like if OP was hurting he could’ve handled this better but it seems like he had a different idea of how he should’ve been treated and that’s fair but his response to this whole situation make him TA.
There are two issues, parent child emotional support, parent child material support. This situation appears to have neither. The child probably learned to be self supporting and independent, but probably not nurturing, and will have similar over and under compensating issues with their children.
They did save money for him which is great. There are so many kids in worst situations. Charging him rent knowing he had to leave for school is definitely an a*****e move. Both parties could have texted everyday to at least say good morning to keep in touch. If this were my kid I would text another during the week. Even if there is no response, I love you goes a long way. Sending encouragement in text goes a long way. When he responded they way he did about the wedding they should have stopped him and said we love you and we are coming. Do you and your wife need anything would be nice to say. Then tried to repair the relationship through actions. Everyone makes mistakes. It is what you do about them that makes the outcome. Both Parties need to realize everyone is alive and well. Make amends
When I left home at 17 I wish my parents had given me a chunk of money. This guy had a nest egg given to him plus scholarships. It could have been a lot worse, but he's comparing himself to people who had more. There will *always* be people who had/have more, but also remember that there are a whole lot of people who have/had less and would have traded places with you in a second. Don't focus on what you don't have, focus on what you do and be thankful for it. Count your blessings, it could always be so much worse.
Oh shush. Just cause other people have it worse that doesn't mean his pain is dismissable. You're the type of person that tells a suicidal individual to visit a pediatric cancer ward to help them feel grateful for what they have in life, huh?
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There's 2 ways I'm reading this: The parents are narcissists and the OP is the scapegoat while his siblings are the golden children. Or, he's been the problem and his parents thought it would be better to save up to allow him to move out right when he turned 18 so they wouldn't have to put up with him, and they thought he would tune up over the years. Often times, narcissists will see everyone else as the narcissist. In this case, the latter bulb is brighter.
I was the scapegoat, my sister the golden child. I understand his resentment.
Load More Replies... There is an important detail here that is being overlooked, and that is that OP is the oldest child. People are growing, learning, and changing all the time, which means people are sometimes better parents to their younger child[ren] than their older child[ren]. It's not fair, sure, but I'm not sure how avoidable it is. This sounds to me like the parents did what they did with the oldest, saw how it damaged the relationship, and made a conscious decision to do different with their younger kids. It sounds like they could have definitely been much, much more open with OP about their mistakes and invited them into communication about it. They didn't, and that's on them. I don't see parents showing favoritism, though. I see parents learning from their mistakes and trying to do better. I can definitely understand why OP is salty about it, but nothing here sounds malicious to me. I hope OP can forgive and move on. I also hope parents can have an honest conversation with OP about all this.
Until I hear your parents side, this rant is simply unbelievable. Its too convenient in painting you as a victim. It wants us all to feel sorry for you? Please, send a link of this article to your parents. Give them a fair and honest chance to respond in this thread to this rant. Let’s hear their side of the story. I’d like to see their reaction to how they’re being portrayed here.
I agree with Caffeinated Dreamer2. I also have a non-western upbringing. I think the OP is wrong. Parenting does not come with a manual and parents almost always make most of their parenting mistakes with the first child. Comes with the territory. They learn from those mistakes and that is why junior siblings seem to have it better than the first born child (I know this because I am the eldest sibling in my family). Your parents want to be part of your life and perhaps this was an attempt to make amends for the way they treated you in the past.
When you make a mistake, here’s two things you can do: 1/Learn from it. 2/Admit it and make up for it as best you can. In this instance, the parents appear to have only done #1. As a result, they are responsible for having a poor relationship with their child.
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I’m just confused about the parents wanting to participate in the wedding, more than likely monetarily, but not being able to ‘pony up’ for all the absent years. What’s the difference? They have money for the wedding but nothing else because they are in debt due to helping the other children??? Am I missing something??
It’s obvious to me your not a parent of you wouldn’t be writing this. Yep, OP.. you are TA. Parenting is the most thankless job in existence and you make that obvious. Parents don’t get boundaries for at least the first few years or your life. We live on two hours of sleep a day for months. You eat, we starve or scrounge off your leftovers. You sleep, we take watch. You cry, we come running. We read you to sleep after checking for monsters. You get the good things in life, we let our gym memberships and makeup slide. Your days are filled with swimming lessons, recitals, sports, book fairs, a roof over your head and food in your belly. We pass out on the couch moments after you’ve gone to sleep content in the knowledge that YOU are having a good life. We stay up night’s worrying about you. We try everything we know to help you prepare for this world and it’s harshness, though it’s breaks our hearts to send you out into it. If anything your parents did your siblings a disservice.
Yeah, the parents did the OP a huge favour by helping the siblings and not him…
Load More Replies... I really don't see what the parents did as wrong. I'd need more details. They didn't kick OP out, he decided to move out. Charging adults rent is normal in my community. They don't talk much, he may not know if his siblings had to pay rent. The parents gave him a sum of money that helped with school. That's great! Maybe they were in a better financial situation to help the siblings. Or worse! Maybe they didn't have a lump sum to give them and instead made payments throughout school. I have three kids with a 10yr gap between the first and second born. I hope we continue to improve our financial situation. The help will look different to each child if we do. We love them all the same. Different people need help in different ways. If OP talked to the parents more maybe he would understand the reason his parents handled things the way they did. Even if I'm way off, OP shouldn't have sent the bill. Inviting them was kind. The parents also shouldn't expect more.
It’s kinda funny because people always think yea the parents are always allowed to do this and that with the children if they really wanted to teach independents and stuff like that special treatment is not the way to do it there are things parents by law have to do food house cloths that’s the basic no more no less and also do unto others what you want done unto you if they wanted to be in his life like people think they wanted to they would have done more to be the person they want to be and shown that to all the kids favoritism is never an answer you should never treat one kid “better” no matter go much “you f***d up the first time that’s shows this wonderful thing people call hypocrites
I had to start paying rent when I turned 18. Difficult, since I also had to pay for my own car and my own education. (Older brother got his car & education compliments of Mom & Dad). Later in life I realized they had actually done me a favor - I became quite strong, and learned how to take care of myself. My brother never did... That said - I let go of a long held grudge, and it was very freeing. I hope the author of this post can do the same. Parents are human, and they f*ck up.
Being forced to do all that makes some people strong and independent. It traumatizes others.
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Just on those family who called to tell him that he's AH. He needs to ask them where we're they when his parents treated him like that? Did they call and tell his parents they are AH?
You mean when they gave him what must have been a lot of money for part of his tuition? Or when they offered him to live at home instead of kicking him yo the curb at 18. Unless they were expecting him yo pay their mortgage rent is a small price for all the free perks of living at home as a student.
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I cannot express how much the YTA's p**s me off. Go jump in a volcano, victim blaming scum
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I dont know how this man behaved as he aged to 18. Also, he did say that his oarents gave him money they had saved for him. My father didn't give me dime. This man is nit acknowledging what his parents actually did do for him. Sounds to me the reason they weren't a part of his life for 16 years was because HE didn't want the relationship. Going no-contact is BRUTAL. But he chose that, not them. So brutal, in fact, his parents couldn't bear losing their other children that way, to the extent that they went into debt to prevent that heartache. I think the poster is not a knowledging his own part in this tragic family tale.
Because of the title, I was prepared to read about a spoiled child who freeloaded on their parents long after reaching adulthood, not someone who was treated like a boarder instead of a child, whose parents are the a******s who spent everything on their other kids, yet have the nerve, after treating him like an afterthought when he was growing up, followed by over a decade of not much contact, to get all pissy when they find out their involvement in their “other” kid’s wedding is going to match their involvement in that child’s life from birth to now. All I would say to those parents is, “Well, you f****d around and found out, didn’t you?”
So his parents gave him money to go to school, but HE cut them off for 16 years. He got by, even thrived, but thinks that THEY owe him. If your parents hadn't done what they had done, you would still be living at home with them now, just like your siblings are doing. They did the right thing by pushing you out, you did the wrong thing by cutting them out.
Sad thing is, that the parents now might not come to the wedding because they think he/she does not really want them there while he/she will think THEY are giving up the relationship entirely.
I feel him he's not the a*****e. People really need to get over their-selves. I hate when I hear parents did their best they made their mistakes. Okay and it's not the kids job to kiss your butt neither. People tells me you should do more for your mom like your sister does. Okay my sister got everything from my mom not me. So she owes my mom I don't. Than People says your mom is always there yeah at the Sametime stealing from me ad my kids and dogging and lying on us. Until you know everything do not say nothing.
Definitely NTA in my book. His parents told him to "act more adult," which imo means not depending on them for everything. The fact the parents coddled the younger siblings ticks me off. If they were going to be generous with the other kids, they should have helped him too. And wanting to "be involved" just sounds like wanting to interfere in case they felt he did something "wrong" in their opinion.
They did you a favor. You rose to occasion. It was the beat thing that ever happened to me, never saw it as a slight. I saw it as being given total authority over my own life. It was a gift.
I feel there is more to the story, but I'm going to unpack what's there. I hate he is receiving calls talking about how he is hurting his parents. I know that feels invalidating. I also feel like the OP sent the invite being very hopeful that his family would be able to show up for him in a way they haven't in the past. This hope is beautiful, but possibly a bit high of an expectation. We get the family we are delt and we can choose if and how we want them in our lives as adults or build a chosen family. Whomever we choose to be part of our lives we have to meet where they are. We can't change them, control them or make them be who we wish they were. The confrontation needed to happen, but saying that the money was the only thing to fix it doesn't give space for healing. It says that you can never undo what you did, true, but it also says there is nothing you can do to fix our relationship or be in my life. If he doesn't want them in his life that is fine, but he needs to state it.
The parents have had 16 years to try to heal things. If they don’t appreciate the suggested method, they’ll have doubtless come up with an alternative. And “We can’t afford to help you now. We could maybe have afforded to help you earlier. But now? Now we’ve got into debt by helping your siblings whom we love more,” isn’t a *great* riposte by them
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Interesting dialogue here... as a young person I experienced very similar feelings. Parents, siblings, family, and friends are a gift to life and should exist in love. We set up these rules on how to function in life following guides that are not the foundation. Love is. Sorrow and pain, demands, expectations, but where is love. Working hard is not a prerequisite to finding happiness but with grounds of support and follow through from the parents and him to do it in love is what creates positivity in the parents expectations. It sounds like you left him to fend for himself. Financial aid isn't the main thing here it is the inconsistency with his siblings. Parents created the separation and I believe him supporting his own heart and needs is keeping him in balance. Apologize parents and rebuild a relationship in love and ask and give forgiveness.
All the supporters of the OP are selfish greedy aholes themselves, parents are required by law to support till 18, after that it's up to the child, parents can just straight up kick them out, no money nothing. You think your entitled to free ride, I don't think so. Get off your lazy a*s and do something. The whole wedding thing, whatever a simple no would have sufficed. I hope your first child is stillborn, so you can feel the pain your parents were put through.
Throughout out this whole thread you've been insulting everyone and OP. When you don't need to, to say your point. You've been harassing many for no reason. Please do get professional help. Edit: typo.
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Mistakes were made by everyone. Few people know why they were treated differently than their siblings. Maybe OP's relationship with his parents wasn't good from the start. Maybe his parents thought he was the one kid, out of all of them, who was capable of making it on his own. That he was mature enough to be self-reliant. Sometimes parents do less for the kid who has the best chance of being successful. Children don't always understand that and parents don't understand it causes resentment. OP should be proud that he did it on his own. Did OP explain why there was a 16 yr riff? Sending his family wedding invitations was good. When they asked why they couldn't be more involved, all OP needed to do was tell them why. Sending them an itemized accounting wasn't necessary. IMO, this could have been handled so much better. OP has held resentment in his heart and distanced himself for too many years. Maybe now that he's getting married, he can start to heal those feelings and let go of them.
NTA, they screwed up on an entry to the adult world and didn't bother to correct their course in your life even after your siblings were afforded the opposite side of help for their 'debuts'. They did learn a lesson on parenting, cut a child off and a child can return the favor, they just expected a 1st child pass, in a dream world where you went to class (maybe) and relaxed the rest of the time as opposed to the hard work and master juggling it actually took to accomplish what you did.They haven't cared to be involved once you hit 18, the evil side of me wonders if, not when, your siblings will start to pay for their own lives as it is. And by the way, the saved money for your education, it was yours, not your parents, that you went on to use wisely. And the list, just shows them all the ways they could have given you a bit of help. They want to be there for the pats on the back the parents get at a wedding, even though they did very little in your adult life to deserve it
It was his money? Wtf?…people are so entitled.. yikes.. very odd way of thinking. …😕🤔
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Had this in my life. Got kicked out at 16 no money no support they "forgot" ny birthday twice. When I went 2 gov for help paying for college I was given 135$ a semester in aid. YUP a whole 135$. While they supported my sister n she's doing great now makes 300k a year lives in a big house that my mom moved into to help with the grand kids. I've talked to others like me n op. N it's very obvious that parents playing favorite is fully utterly wrong n does life long damage. My parents n any parents which 65% of families plays favorites so 65% of parents are SCUMBAGS!!!
FIRST OFF MOST PEOPLE CAN NOT AFFORD TO SEND THEIR CHILDREN TO COLLEGE. CANT EVEN SAVE UP EXTRA MONEY FOR THAT. YOU SOUND VERY ENTITLED!!! They never CUT him off !!! They just asked home to be an ADULT and help contribute. When did they cut him off ? Secondly before he can even see the “ favoritism “ with his siblings sounds like bullsh*t ! Maybe they did what the parents asked them to do ! At what part of the story did it say his parents cut him off. They were great parents to show you to have responsibilities and to teach you how to be an adult in the real world ! To pay for you COLLEGE TUITION and you leave home upset and UNGRATEFUL IS CRAZY !!! What’s wrong with what they asked. Sounds like they were good parents. Up until 18 they fed and clothed you keep a roof of your head. And you get mad at them ?! My parents didn’t pay for my college. I had to do it on my own. Some parents can’t even afford groceries in America! And you’re 16 years later a GROWN man still holding a grudge.
First off your parents never cut you off. Your parents asked you to pay rent. Showing you adult responsibilities. Secondly THEY PAID YOUR COLLEGE TUITION !!! Saved up of the years to make sure you had a great start in life ! Most parents can not AFFORD to send their children to college. So instead of following their rules you moved out with their money and was able to go to college. Here’s a thought” WHERE WOULD YOU BE IN LIFE IF YOU DIDNT HAVE THAT MONEY TO GO TO COLLEGE “ ? That’s the question? Seriously. You’re mad at your parents because they tried to show you how to be an adult. VERY UNGRATEFUL! And to still be talking about this at 16 years later. A full grown adult man sounds sad. The sense of entitlement you have is crazy. Most parents are struggling just to FEED their kids is major problem. And you’re complaining and holding a grudge. You sound very petty. You do not get to judge them on how they parented. HOW ARE HIS PARENTS ENTITLED? read the story closely.
I replied to your first comment, but I agree with ALL your comments! The fact that so many people are calling the parents ah is strange.. we live in a world where everyone wants a hand out. (Please feed me) (wipe my a**) (Do EVERYTHING for me!). It’s ridiculous… 😕
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There's obviously a deeper issue with this family. My kids would miss me and I would miss them too much to go even a month without talking.. these parents definitely did not raise this boy with unconditional love, that's why he's so mad. I understand his point of view because the responsibility lay with them to make an effort over that 16 year period.
Maybe he worded it wrong. He said he really didn't want the money, but I think that he wanted them to see proof of how hard he had to work, compared to his siblings. Maybe get we're sorry son we screwed up and validate his feelings to them.
At the very least he wanted them to recognise their demands to have be involved with the wedding were out of line as they didn't put in the effort for emotional support. The way OP words things, it's not about the money, it's about how much harder they made things on OP and then didn't make an effort to stay close.
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You guys have absolutely no idea how life works, do you? Parents are not suppose to pay for schooling, they're suppose to help you. Parents are also not suppose to let you live rent-free after you become an adult as paying for your extra necessities for free is absolutely f*****g 100% being coddled. OP didn't get the attention and money and all the benefits his siblings had gotten, welcome to being a self-sufficient adult. Get over it you sad sad materialistic manchild. Op is NTA Op is actually just an austically grown liberal manchild who has mommy and daddy issues because he wanted to be a spoiled mangina.
When I was in high school my parents divorced. My mother, a teacher would help me with college and my father, a wealthy businessman agreed to help my brother. I worked for a year, bought a car myself, earned a full scholarship and lived at home. My father bought my brother a car, set him up in an apartment for himself and his girlfriend paid tuition through graduate school and gave him an expense account. My brother spent a year in Europe after graduate school with his girlfriend. The stress I experienced in high school caused me to have a religious experience that changed my life forever. The independence and self-reliance I gained helped me to raise three sons as a single mother with no child support from their father. I eventually put myself through graduate school and paid for all three of my son's college myself. My parents had personality disorders and we weren't close, but I'm glad I was kind. The struggles I endured made me stronger and blessed me with unique experiences.
NTA & I think OP clarified his hurt & resentment by presenting them as a "bill." There was a cruel double standard & I don't blame him for distancing. Resentment tends to corrode the vessel that holds it- IMO he'll likely figure this out on his own terms. But I'd also warn him not to expect much from his parents in the future- he doesn't need more emotional abuse. He's made a good life for himself, BY HIMSELF & I've little doubt he'll be a strong person. Kudos & Well Wishes to him.
This isn’t uncommon treatment with the oldest child. I know, because I was the oldest and unfortunately also a girl. In Southern families, the eldest child is desirable to be male. My parents didn’t even wait until I was 18; I was kicked out at age 16. I have fended for myself my entire life. My siblings were treated much better, and maybe because there is a learning curve with raising children, maybe it isn’t always being favoritism? I’ve tried hard to forgive them, but the pain never really goes away. Now they are elderly, and guess who has to take care of them? Yup! Me. The unloved child is the one who steps up to the plate. BTW, I only had one child due to the specter of favoritism.
I'm curious, why are you taking care of them?
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I will never understand the people that expect of "children" to treat parents great even if they f-up along the way and force them to be the bigger person. Parent-child relationships are inherently not equal, parents have immensly more power and knowledge. Their mistakes weight therefore immensly more as well, they should have known better than to mistreat their child, if not they should have made ammends years ago and not try the bare minimum months before a wedding cause it will make them look bad. And it really isn't about money, it's about the unfair treatment and them never actually doing something to fix their broken relationship. they didn't really appologize either they want him to forget it so they can finally move on as well. It's not about parents also being humans and giving your child a home in the first 18 years of their life is really nothing to praise them for, it's the bare minimum of raising a child, that earns parents nothing in the long run.
How you treat them along the way and after they turn 18 that's the part that makes a good parent that has earned a right to stay in their childs life or be cut of as the AH they are. Parents decide to have children, not the other way around. Therfore children are never supposed to be the bigger person and don't have to cut their parents some slack. That's all responsabilities of the parents. And if they do a good job or often even a passable job their kids will give back freely and happily when the time comes. But parents can't expect to get the benefits of good parenting if they have not acutally parented well
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"...you need to move on"? Umm, you already did. You made a life. They chose not to get involved in it. Unless they were downright ugly to you over the past 14 years, heck yeah, invite them to your wedding. But AYTA? Yup, a little bit. Monetising forgiveness is tacky when you don't particularly want them more involved.
It seems like the YTA comments are missing the message in the original post, fixating on one thing
NTA You're protecting your boundaries and it sounds like you have generally positive but minimal contact. Now this where you're the a*****e. Presenting them with the list was a lot. Also confirming you're still hurt by their treatment of you must be painful too. Consider that they clearly made a mistake with decisions they made about you and they're trying to do better by your younger siblings. They were growing and learning as well. Punishing them will not bring you peace. Congrats to you on your wedding. All the best!
I think what most people don't understand is that the parents in this situation had a different level of abuse towards their now adult son. I see his point of view because I was neglected severely by my parents and abused by them as well for their own shortcomings. Not many people who have children become loving parent's. And those kind of parents probably had alot of growing up to do themselves when they had their first child. But no excuse to pull my way or the highway kind of behaviors either because they struggled with their own lack on incomes and financial slack on responsibilities. Due to their own mental health they pushed responsibilities onto him to help themselves. Where as his siblings are treated as royalty with no responsibilities. He has the right to feel neglected. He shouldn't feel shamed for that by others either. What the people here who think he is in the wrong for don't know. Is this man has been spit on his entire life. Letter was sent to imply I didn't forget.
ETA - the parents have absolutely no right to ask for anything. An invite to the wedding is the most they deserve. OP dropped to their level by sending an invoice and lost the moral high ground. The mention of parental debt from funding the younger kids rings alarm bells - looking for OP to help out financially maybe?
People saying YTA because OP didn't try to keep close relationship with his parents through the years are delusional... They basically started treating him like a tenant once he turned 18, then kept themselves busy with doing polar opposite for his siblings! It's not his effing responsibility to please them and sell himself short for the sake of forgiveness. He's perfectly entitled to feel angry, disappointed and done with them. Relationships are a two way street, and his parents done absolutely nothing to admit or apologize up until they wanted something from him :/
NTA. They had the audacity to ask why they hadn't been included in his wedding planning and then told him to get over it. They didn't even seem to be interested in the 16 years they'd lost out on. The itemised bill was crass and most people would have advised against it but it turned out to have a silver lining too because now he knows the people who kicked him out went into debt for the kids they liked more than him. I hope he finds peace.
There might be more to this however lets go over the line of events. 1. Op turns 18 and gets college money. 2. Parents want that money back as rent 3. Op goes to college and moves out. Working on their own. 4. Op has little contact with parents. Ends up managing to get through despite having no support. Is now getting married to his gf. 5. Op invites parents to the wedding. 6. Parents think that's not enough, despite having very little contact with op. They think think should be part of the planning. 7.op explains how his parents weren't there for him when he needed it and how it hurt. And the desparity between how they treated him and his siblings. 8. Parents told him to get over it. 9.op sends them a bill showing just how much they gave his siblings. At his fiances protest 9. Parents get upset upon being presented with the disparity. 10. Op clarifies he doesnt care about the money. Just wants- WANTS them at the wedding. Parents should be happy they are invited. Not angry.
Definitely the poster is wrong for sending an itemized bill and holding a grudge for years over things they bought the siblings. I'm the youngest of 3, I got the least, paid my wedding without family help. Grow up! My siblings got more financially and it made them dependent. I have a great credit score, car paid off. I don't need my parents money- I work. My siblings got more and financially, I am the most successful out of the 3. This poster is good birth control.
IF the "parents" gave OP the emotional support he needed, this would be a moot point. If from the beginning - regular ( not yearly) calls, notes of encouragement, etc - would have given OP the feeling of Love he needed. Shame on the "parents" lack of money is NO excuse for lack of LOVE. We raised a kid as broke azz parents (life kind of screwed us) - they needed to pay their own way through university ( and did a great job). We were always there with anything we COULD do. We could give free food and housing and lots of hugs. Now we have a great relationship with a wonderful adult.
NTA.. But being apologetic to them may take BIG burden on OP's mind.
Simply not enough information is provided. Some parents are jerks but IMHO most are simply trying to do the best they can. I’m the parent of two kids who are now out of the house and starting up their careers - and I gotta tell you, whatever plans you have for raising and educating your kids, they are subject to radical change, ex: Mom loses her job; COVID; stock market crash; unexpected inheritance; education costs skyrocket; etc. We started off with “we’re going to treat both of our kids exactly the same” but this became more and more impossible over time. And, as someone else mentioned, it’s quite possible the parents concluded they should go a different route for OP’s siblings.
"They raised you, paid all your bills and gave you room and board for your first 18 years of life, you should be grateful to them for that." Why? That is the BARE MINIMUM for a parent - anything less is a crime. They're the ones who wanted the child. It is -not- the child's responsibility to pay their own way until they are adult. This is what you sign up for by having a child. Don't expect that they should be overly you-get-whatever-you-want-from-them grateful just because you and your partner decided to bump uglies one night.
The title of this article suggests the OP is in the wrong and the parents just asked him to be mature (18 year old start acting like an adult) instead of the parents being unfair.
Here's the question I always ask: if it were the other way around, would OP still be the A? When I quit school because I was very medically ill and COULDN'T continue for my own health, my dad got angry and sent me an itemized list of stuff I should pay back because I "broke my end of the deal". If parents are going to treat their kid like some kind of business deal (which these parents essentially did, by kicking OP out at 18 they said "welp, we've done our bit, now you have to do yours!") then they should expect to have that kind of detatched relationship. OP is NTA and by giving them that itemized list he simply reflected the behaviour he was shown.
They were crappy parents, tell 'em to pound sand and cut them out of your life.
Apparently his siblings were able to go to university in the town his parents lived in. Have to wonder if part of the problem was OP was not willing to do the same. Our ability to support our kids through university was based on their going to school locally, and living at home. We could not have afforded the same level of support had either chosen to move away for school. Perhaps his parents were in the same position? Further, OP states his parents gave him money they had saved for university for him, so he did get some (maybe most) of the financial support (outside of the free housing) his siblings got. If so, YTA for being petty and vindictive. Needs to take a close look and see if he has/had unrealistic expectations of what support his parents could provide when he chose to leave home to go to university.
The one NTA that said people who said YTA are the golden child is so real. I relate to OP. The oldest child is the "practice round" that parents find all the ways to f**k up parenting and then use that to treat the younger kids better. We're just experiments basically. We will never be treated the same as the youngest. And even when they correct their mistakes with the younger ones they continue the mistakes with you. Me being adopted (and the only kid adopted) made it even worse because I already felt different from everyone else, my parents treatment towards me vs my siblings just made me feel even more out of place
NTA, they let the other siblings stay home through their college and expect the oldest to just get over it? Hooray for OP for their marriage and also getting by independently.
If the parents realised they made a mistake, they could have taken him in. They could have later reached out and say: hey, we wanted to tell you that we made a mistake and are sorry. But they didn't, so they thought this was okay - until they didn't get what they felt they were entitled to. And somehow some call OP TA? Looks like those people have Stockholm Syndrome and try to tell themselves that the s****y behaviour from their own parents was okay....
Looking at people saying the parents would be hurt that way over a petty grudge... b***h u stupidaf, you're saying they should be a part of the wedding
Too much information missing. Your parents said for you to pay rent, so you would pay for boarding, bed and laundry with no responsibilities? Had they informed you of this demand beforehand or on your 18th birthday? What was the relationship like during the 16 years? Did you try to make amends? Did parents continue to pay all expenses of siblings after they graduated college to when they moved out? Did you send a bill of your expenses for 16 years? (Seriously, bad move). Congrats on upcoming wedding. Why should parents be included in planning YOUR wedding? Moms can turn your wedding into into the wedding they never had. I will not say YTA or NTA. I will wish you the best.
I prepared an Excel spreadsheet after my divorce. I was the primary [80%] earner for 13 years. I did all of the cooking and most of the gardening and all the repairs. She painted and sculpted and sold one piece in the whole time. We split the Feline Maintenance 50-50. We had no kids. I did this for the CATHARSIS - in case she came after me for alimony. I would say, 'Sure, here's what you owe - pay that and we're at an even split.' Then I would agree to some alimony. No conversation ever occurred. But I felt better.
I'm sorry I'm on the side of the parents for lack of details. Up til 18 they tool care of him and gave him money for school. How much we're they asking for rent? Maybe the lesson was how to budget and get by as an adult? Maybe they would of saved the money and gave it to him as a savings later. Maybe they asked for $100 or only 200 a month probably less the what he would of payed living at home? To be honest he seems entitled but what it really looks like both ends were stubborn and didn't want to work anything out after the turmoil. Maybe the parents feared continuing to raise entitled children and didn't want to lose relationships with their other children. OP didn't sound grateful for what he did have, compared to what a lot of people have as parents or lack of. OP sounds as if he was raised in a neighborhood where the families were probably a little more affluent than his, comparing what his friends families did for them, not realizing his parents sacrifice. Sorry op in the wron
Sounds like they are ALL Aholes to me. Better to stay away from each other.
I guess what is missing for me in this story is what led up to the parents wanting the child to grow up. Did they have loud fights and power struggles? Did the child have an entitlement streak? Were the parents physically abusive (I assume not, or that would have been part of the story). Parents do make mistakes-- every single one. The question is, could they have worked on it together if the child were willing to meet less than halfway? Not having more history makes it hard to assess this. All I see is resentment and no willingness to see the other side having a point of view. That is automatically suspect for me. But, again, not enough to go on. But if there were a real sense of righteousness, I would think that the child would have refused the money from the parents if that's what it would take to get out from under their thumb. Instead he took the college money and ran. So I don't actually have the best impression (though incomplete).
I feel like when I move out (hopefully I'll be able to), a similar thing will happen. Since I won't be here to cook, clean, do errands, and such anymore, along with having a job, that I'll basically be shunned by my "family". I'm 30 and still live at the house I was raised in due to multiple mental things going on with me and never getting help for them and actively being held back emotionally and mentally from everyone in my life. And now that I'm seen as help, I'm told often "I dOn'T kNoW wHaT i'D dO wItHoUt YoU" when it was just screaming at me as a child. So yeah, when I inevitably don't come around to do chores and cook and such, I'm gonna be seen as a lazy a*****e again instead of just having my own life.
I just wanted to comment, for those family members saying "you're hurting your parents", where were they when OP needed them and his parents were hurting him? Were they there to help support him (not necessarily financially), or silently watching from the sidelines?
Condolences on your upcoming prison sentence, but you should be out in 15 to 20 years
The most telling moment I hear: although this is a 1 sided account, apparently it was a showcase event that got the parents ' attention. We're missing details like what happened at holidays and birthdays, if the OP was ever invited to a routine Sunday dinner. Age difference between OP and siblings? Did siblings try to connect? I wonder what OP's parents' relationship with their parents was like. The guy was just 18. He was still a kid in lots of ways. His parents were the adults. How was the relationship growing up? I feel for the poster.
Your parents did you a favor. Learning to fend for yourself is the goal. Your siblings on the other hand might be there for quite a while if not always.
YTA. Pure and simple. Your parents were trying to teach you independence so that you can make it in this world on your own. They did the right thing with you. Unfortunately they screwed up with your siblings and they all paid the price. Instead of complaining about it and being a victim. Try being a survivor and thanking them for giving you what you really needed. I was the same as you. However I got a job and started paying rent at 17. Moved interstate at 19 with only $500 and had to make my way in the world. What's also important to note here is that We both CHOSE to leave not kicked out. Anyway, I am now stronger than my sibling and have a family of my own. Once my kids start working they will also be paying rent. (which they don't yet know will go back to them when they leave). Also, you said that you were too busy to keep in contact with them. So stop whining and move on. And for goodness sake admit the bill was a mistake. It's so stupid.
My ex and I had the same requirements and we told our two sons and daughter all their lives that when they are 18 they pay rent. Until that time they had chores. My oldest son had his first seasonal job at the age of 11 and it was selling vegetables for a farmer in the spring and summer and Christmas trees in the winter. He often worked weekends between because the money was much more than his allowance by far. My youngest son worked same schedule for an entrepreneur in our church who had an auto mechanic business and also a grass cutting business. He kept my son very busy on the same schedule and the money perks were the same. My daughter worked at Sonic, same schedule and perks. We helped them balance their schedule so they could play and do home things also. But the boys got competing to buy XBox and PlayStation things. They were treated equal The outcome: my sons have had earth shattering success in the military and my daughter the same as an honors Masters of Social Work.
Wow, I hope this shows your girlfriend how petty you can be. Realy holding a grudge against your parents for raising you. Some kids grow up with no parents or even abusive parents that torture their children. Think about kids who grow up in foster care and your upset because your siblings needed a little more help than you. Holding a grudge for that long even going as far as to write up a bill. I would hate to be the woman marrying you. God for bid I did something you didn't like I would end up hearing about it for the rest of my life. You obviously can't let go of things and enjoy what you have. Maybe you parents did do something wrong but it has nothing to do with them not helping you more financially and more to do with your attitude towards life. You should be thanking them for your success. To your girlfriend: get out now, this relationship will only end in divorce.
I agree. And people whose parents tortured them shouldn’t hold a grudge either - other were tortured *and* sexually abused, so people whose parents “only” tortured them should be grateful too. Truth be told, however badly your parents treat you, you are obliged to be boundlessly and unthinkingly grateful.
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The parents should have treated all of their children the same….just like they treated the OP. They gave him money. He learned to take care of himself. All of which gave him the right start in life. He will do better than the spoiled siblings. He’ll be ok no matter what life throws at him.
While I see your bitterness towards your parents I see from both sides there is no handbook to being a parent you try your best or as I say winging it when you become a parent try to learn from their mistakes and don't make the same mistakes because your going to some love them not for the financial or material things they give but for the love they gave
I would've never called, went to visit let alone would've I have even let them know I was getting married. Also how dare your other family members even try to cast judgment on you when your parents put you out into this world and didn't even try to prepare you for and left you on your own. I'm proud of you for buckling down and doing great all on your own. But cut your losses send them pictures or a video of your wedding and live your life cut those toxic people out of your life OP. They did everything thing for your other siblings but tossed you out like trash wow "Great parenting" NTA
I want to say ETA (Either Side the A*****e). The parents did want more from OP but OP didn't need to itemize every little thing his parents didn't do for him that they did for his siblings. I understand where he is coming from... As a youngest child whose two oldest siblings got (and still get) a LOT of physical and financial support from my parents while the two younger siblings weren't even given basic driving lessons let alone many of the other financial helps that my oldest sibs got, I can totally understand the resentment towards the parents and maybe your siblings. But once I got out of my hole and was able to support myself like OP did much earlier because he DID have financial support, instead of feeling grateful for learning to be an adult better than his siblings, he is resentful for not being coddled more. He needs to realize that he actually got the better deal - while his siblings are probably still struggling to succeed, he is independent and can do stuff on his own.
For the record, ESH is the term for that. It means Everyone or Everything Sucks Here. It's one of the voting options on the subreddit. Er, you don't have to correct your post, I'm just letting you know in case you don't know.
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Something smells a bit off here, are we getting the whole truth, or an objective view?
Yes you are hands down the AH here and extremely immature. God bless your wife. She gets it. I feel so badly for your future children who will be held to a future “perfect” standard you don’t hold yourself to. Parents expected you to be independent, gave you money for that purpose and you succeeded. Yes, your siblings may have gotten more but did they learn as much? Did you ever ASK for more help? Did you ever have a discussion? Of course not. It is so much easier being the victim. Congratulations, you just lost your family. Hopefully you won’t screw up your marriage too. Being “right” can be very lonely.
Thank you to the comments! I thought I was crazy for thinking that OP is the AH. I'm currently in college right now on scholarships, paying for everything out of my pocket. I would love it if my parents could spare some money to help me, but the last thing I want is for my parents to have to go into debt to slightly improve my situation, while simultaneously making theirs and my siblings' situation worse. I'm the 2nd oldest out of 8 and the first to go to university, so I hope for my parents to be in a better situation financially by the time my younger siblings are ready to go to college. My parents aren't together, so one of my little sisters is way better off than the rest of my siblings and I am always so happy that she's well-suported and won't struggle like me. Literally all I want for my family is for our lives to get better over time and if I need to be independent to prevent the worst, then I'll gladly accept. I truly hope my parents can afford to support my siblings better
Super entitled! Grow up some more bro, you will understand one day when you start a family and find out how imperfect you are!
Totally the asshol@, my parents made me pay for all my things myself in highschool. I am a self sufficient 36 year single mom thanks to the independence I learned early on. I also have a twin brother who got everything paid for.....I don't hold a grudge. My twin has 4 kids lives in an rv in his brother in laws driveway and works 80+ hours a week scraping by.....I bought my first house 3 years ago, I graduated nursing school I have 3 smart wonderful kids.....am I mad....no I see the bigger picture.
Have you ever asked your parents why they were more generous to your brother than they were to you?
Load More Replies... Who was the one who didn't want to keep contact? In the NTA responses, it's stated that OP's parents didn't want anything to do with him for 16 years, but the YTA responses state that it was OP's fault for not keeping in contact with them over that. If the parents made an attempt to keep in contact, then I can see how it's YTA on his part because they tried to fix their mistakes. However, if they just didn't care, then it's totally favoritism and NTA. We need more information.
The OP needs to grow up. I, too, “sucked hind teat” all my life, left my parents at 17 and never cost them another dime while thy put my three siblings though expensive schools and bought them (used)_ cars when they graduated. So what? they don’t OWE me anything and, better yet, I don’t owe them anything. To compare oneself with one's siblings simply puts one right back to being a child defendant on their parents again.
Do you honestly feel like your family will have your back when they treat you so differently to your siblings. It’s good that you learn these lessons and are self-reliant. But it also means that you might not feel comfortable asking for help. And it’s sad that the help that you could ask for that you probably don’t feel comfortable asking for is from your parents. why are you any different from your siblings? You can be happy with how your life ended up and proud of your accomplishments. But doesn’t it ever bug you wondering why you were different? If your parents apologized and you forgive them and understood why they did what they and fixed your relationship that’s great for you, but if that didn’t happen. Wouldn’t you question why you were different?
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He moved out at 18. Chose school and work. Has done good for himself and actually did survive. I moved out at 17 and never looked back, hell, so did my entire generation. My kids moved out at 18, one chose college and dorm life, one chose Navy for 20 years.and one chose marriage and family, still married. All kids are supposed to move out at 18. Get out on your own, get your own apartment, start paying your own bills. Believe it or not, parents look forward to this day. The last thing we want is the family basement dweller. GET OUT. Mom wants an office, dad wants a study, we want peace and quiet, we’ve earned it! Congrats on your nuptials
Your parents are not responsible for taking care of you after 18. Your lucky you even had a college fund also by you cutting them off they probably didn't want that to happen with your siblings to so now there in debt and what your parents did for you is set you up for success to be independent your parents set your siblings up for failure to not be independent. I always grew up thinking at 18 I'm suppose to be out on my own and if you lived with your parents what is the chance you would even met the person your marrying
Not your parents responsibility to take care of you after the age of 18 .be lucky you even had a college fund also by you having to take care of yourself from 18 on you will most likely be more successful and independent then your siblings your parents are just setting your siblings up for failure
He literally said in the post that they acknowledged they made mistakes. They didn't *just* say get over it. And he said he broke contact because he was busy. The parents didn't. They didn't throw him out. He left. I didn't get any money from my single mother when it came time for college. I worked multiple jobs and had many failures along the way but I still had enough respect and love for my mom to not be bitter towards her. Because of the sacrifices, she made those first 18 years of my life and the sacrifices she had made since.
Did your single mother then make many more sacrifices for your younger siblings, and let your relationship with her fall away to an annual phone conversation? If not, I’m not sure that the comparison is valid.
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It’s not fair to judge when we don’t know the whole story. Why was he kicked out at 18? Was he a violent or bad teen? He hadn’t said. My sister and I were treated differently by our parents because we were very different in our behaviors. She remained bitter and hurt but they had little choice due to her bad behavior. I behaved very differently and they responded differently. Why do we expect our parents to be saints when they are only human? He hasn’t owned up to his own responsibility for how he was treated.
“It’s not fair to judge when we don’t know the whole story.” Agreed. “Doe I’m going to speculate, with zero supporting evidence, that the OP was a violent teenager.” Erm…
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Both sides are a******s. An itemized bill to "pay for forgiveness " is just being petty. My folks didn't pay for a single bit of my college and lied about the money they were saving for me for going. I'm still angry about it but you can't change the past. I just don't talk about it because my parents still fed and clothed me even though they didn't have to. His parents even helped him with college which is more than many parents could afford ! They apparently did a better job with teaching him self reliance than with his spoiled siblings & while it's not fair he made it with what he had. That said, the parents should have reached out to him and he could have reached out to them ,so Both could have done better at communicating. wanting to be involved in the wedding is silly because they haven't really tried to be in contact with each other. He is being petty though with the list. Both parties are acting disgraceful.
I am a mother of 3 whom I love very much. I have to trust that now they are older than 18 It would break my heart and spirit if any one of them was so mad at me for not being able to pay for the college, cars, phone, 300$ for a pair of shoes. I have not been able to offer any of those extras because if I had done any of those things for 1 of my children then the other 2 would have not had power, roof over there head, food, or you know the necessities to survive. im almost certain if I raised someone to be so upset that they were able to take my savings, plus work and go to college.only means I've done a damn good job teaching them how to adult. why are you so mad that you became a great functioning adult. The error is hanging on to this false since of having the right to be angry, it is selfish and disrespectful. How do we even know if your siblings were treated differently, it seems to me that your siblings could be to lazy to be adulting as quick as you chose too,you should thankthem
This is different. Your children know you can't afford and I'm sure you would still be there for your kids emotionally, for moral support, right? OP's parents didn't do that. Nor didn't say they couldn't afford much when kicking him out, only currently bc finances changed.
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You’re an ungrateful prick. My parents never gave me s**t and yours shouldn’t have given your entitled a*s s**t either. I got sent out into the world with nothing at 19. Actually nothing.
I don't know. If you're going no contact, that means no contact. You erase them from your life. While you were most likely entitled to make that jab, by doing it, you admitted to revenge, just by the act. While I don't have anymore backstory from this I must say that not responding and repeating the invitation would have been best.
Low Contact and No Contact are a thing and each one varies person to person. Not a thing we should judge on. It's not our family trauma.
Load More Replies... Yeah you are the a*s hole. Hopefully BP will censor a*s hole after hosting an article titled “Am I the a*s hole?”. Soon, OP’s parents will be dead and after he/she has children of their own they will understand the sacrifices a parent makes, but then it will be too late. Who cares? Op obviously had an axe to grind about entitlement not received. Turning 34 ain’t gonna change that.
The OP appears to be well aware of the sacrifices that his parents were willing to make for his siblings and not for him.
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This is THE typical…”whaaaa”😭😢CRYBABY…NOBODY OWES YOU A THING!!! If you are an “adult” now…then ADULT. This generation has COMPLETELY lost their minds. What you DO and SHOULD DO is HONOR YOUR PATENTS. Period. Life…hold on…isn’t FAIR. NOWHERE does it say…things will be FAIR. Yep. And…’reaping what they sowed” is NOT YOUR call. You don’t decide that for ANYBODY. TO leave your home at 18 is the BEST call your parents made. You LEFT home WITH THEIR money…How DARE you “NO CONTACT” them. Your parents…right or wrong…raised your ungrateful, DISRESPECTFUL self. WHO do you think you are? Your parents should NEVER.be treated like this. UNLESS you were beat and your basic treatment was certified abuse…you OWE your parents respect and HONOR. To decide, on the basis of how your younger siblings were treated, that you have the AUDACITY to even ASK if you’re RIGHT about WHAT YOU GIVE YOUR PARENTS, NOW? Is utter NONSENSE and if ‘we’ are talkin ‘FAIR’… they should “NO CONTACT” YOU. Idiot.
If they consider him an adult, he gets to choose who he keeps in his life. Same with them. If they want absolutely nothing to do with him, they can skip out on his wedding he invited them to, and continue to baby their other adult children at their house.
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Sorry OP, I think you need to think this over. You don't have to forgive them, if you don't want to. Your parents gave you the money they'd saved for your education. You used it wisely. Perhaps they do less for one, than the other siblings, for a reason. Maybe they thought you were the most able one in the family. You had the ambition, and would succeed, and didn't need as much help from them. In other words, they knew you were the only one who was capable of succeeding on your own. You had a good work ethic. So maybe they made many mistakes. Turn it around. Be happy with the man you've become, and take pride in the fact you did it on your own. Calculating and sending them a bill for all the things they did for your siblings, and not for you, just made things worse. If they want a more active role in your wedding, you don't have to let them. You hold the cards. Tell them you'd like to have them at your wedding, but that's where it ends. You've got the details covered.
YTA your parents GAVE YOU MONEY THAT THEY SAVED UP FOR YOUR EDUCATION! I got zero dollars for my education or for anything. I still live at home because I never was able to go out and make a start on my own at all because I was broke. Suck it up you spoiled little entitled prat.
When I was in college I lived at home for a while and payed rent. It was waaay under market rate (~$200), I got free parking, groceries and meals, didn't have to pay for utilities or internet, cable TV (it was awhile ago), no one stole my food or stuff; my mom would even do my laundry! Other then some light chores (nothing that you wouldn't have to do with roommates anyway) it was great. The best part was always knowing I had a safe place to go home to. No matter how stressful school got I could count on my family for support. My family couldn't afford to pay for even a portion of my schooling so I had to take out student aid and work. OPs parent's gave him money for school; that's alot more then some famlies can do. Unless they were demanding he pay above market rate he was getting an excellent deal. They didn't kick him out or deamand he leave; he chose to move out because he made the assumption that his parent's could t continue to support him even when he had a job and they were assisting with tuition. His family might have been in financial trouble even back then with two younger siblings to still send through school. They were clearly forced to over extend themselves by paying for their younger children out right. To be honest the poor relationship he has with his family seems to be his fault. The way he tells it he froze his family out for asking him to begin contributing financially.The parent's over corrected and dug themselves a money pit trying to make sure their younger children wouldn't pull up the iron curtain and go full Cold War on them.
This is exactly correct. It seems others are twisting the facts that op mentioned, to fit their own traumas. In reality, all the information is there and people are choosing to be blind to it
Load More Replies... I HATE these AITA posts, but I have to say, YTA. They gave him the money they had saved up for his education? In what way, then, did they demand he be fully independent? Maybe they learned that spoiling their first couple of kids didn't work out well?
He was the oldest. They gave him some money but then pushed him out, after that they spoiled his younger siblings by not only giving them money too, but full parental support that OP never got. Still OP invited them to his wedding. But that wasn't enough. They demanded that OP pretended nothing happened and behaved as if they'd been caring parents who had been there for him while they weren't. Money isn't a substitute for the emotional stability a loving family can provide. They provided for his siblings in full, gave them a free ride along the money. Gave them their love. But OP only got some money and the boot. How is OP in the wrong for denying them involvement above the invitation after that?
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EAH. Your parents made a mistake and your reaction probably contributed to what they did subsequently (and unfairly) for your siblings. I understand the catharsis of giving them the itemised bill. Truly. And think they deserved it. But hanging up on them when they said they can’t afford to due to continued debt, is a bit AH, esp as they at least acknowledged they made a mistake. I’m not sure you will be willing and/or able to repair the relationship but be grateful for the acknowledgment. Some don’t even do that much. (My mum for one.) If you want them present, fine. But you, nor they, should use it as opportunity. Tell them it’s not up for discussion during the wedding and not til after honeymoon but, consider that they did acknowledge it and maybe explore around it some. My mum died before I got that chance. After using me for her last year to be her cancer and chemo advocate due to my job. Think hard.
The people who said YTA don’t understand childhood. Why would you accept the fact that the parents showered things on the other 2 kids for years, but kicking you out the minute you come of age? Totally unfair. The parents deserved their debt in my opinion, seeing as it was their fault they loved the other 2 kids much more than OP.
1. Absolutely hilarious and a delicious end to a sad tale. 2. Yes he's the a-hole, but OH so justified. I can freely confess I would not have the spine to pull this. Absolute LEGEND.
People are commenting and forgetting that this is not OP's fault. This was something he was forced in to doing, and now they're shocked he did as they told him?? My own mother kicked me out at 17 (when I started uni) and I had to move back home at various times due to poor health, and every single moment of that time she made it very clear that she wanted me gone, and hated me being there "because you're an adult". I ended up moving to another city with work, and have since moved back, but have banned her from visiting my flat because every time she was there she would criticise every about my home, food, clothes, etc and I got sick of it. I barely talk to her (as little as I possibly can) and now she acts all angry because I don't. I reacted to how I was treated, because when I tried to seek support and comfort I was rejected. There comes a time when you realise you can only survive by putting yourself and your own happiness first, and I am astounded she thinks she's blameless. NTA
They want to be involved in the wedding? LMAO More likely they are ashamed the relatives are asking them things and they have no idea what's going on. NTA. No apology detected.
Op, I wouldn't have even bothered inviting them. You made yourself a good life on your own so just enjoy it. Leave all the emotional baggage in the past
I can't even with this. My brother-in-law is a single dad to a daughter who is now 19, and his daughter's mother only ever paid child support for 2 years when she was in high school (BIL has had custody since daughter was 2, so that's about 13 years where he paid for everything himself). And even now that she's an adult with a job, she still lives at home (in as much as a young working adult with a boyfriend is ever home, anyway) and doesn't pay him rent. The reasoning was, well, the room is there anyway. Hell, when I myself was 19, I remember my dad being like, you know you could move back in any time if you wanted to (he was absolutely not prepared to be an empty-nester). I was so confused, since I was basically living with my then-boyfriend (now-husband) in his house that he owned, but now that I'm a parent I definitely understand. My TL;DR - don't have a bunch of kids if you can't be bothered to provide even emotional support through the hardest transition period of their life.
This is ridiculous. I hope your finances takes head to your childish behavior. Please seek therapy before bring children into this world, especially if you haven't done either. Your behavior is a clear example of the mistakes they have made as parents.
I think he’s completely in the right, but if he had a good relationship with them before he turned 18, he may want to think about reconciling with them now he’s an adult. In a way he has made the first step - he invited them to his wedding. If the parents want to mend the relationship they should go and be nice and start thawing the ice. He does note that they had saved money for him for his education, so it’s not as though they completely abandoned him, even though what they did was harsh and he did well to stick with his education anyway. I can see factors on both sides. I hope he ultimately chooses to do what makes him happiest, whatever he decides in the long run. As an oldest child myself who experienced a distinctly lesser version of this, I also didn’t have much of a relationship with my parents in my 20s, but have since become good friends with them and I’m glad of it. There comes a point when you realise they’re just human beings doing the best they can, and mine did mean well
That's life. It happens. Get over it. Why did anyone bother to write that down?
I understand where the OP is coming from but just be glad that your parents gave you money for your education coz others are not given a penny at all. Because of what your parents did, you become more resilient and responsible for yourself. Now talking about your parents, they are not the best parents out there and demanding more from you is an insult. If they want to come to your wedding, then great! If not, then so be it. Since you grew up away from them and able to stand up on your own, then what you need to focus on is your own happiness with your soon to be wife. Like you said, a call from here and there is good enough. Maybe things will be better in time but you are not force to rekindle with them. At the end of the day, it’s really up to you how you feel about your parents and your siblings. What will makes you happy and have inner peace is what’s most important for your right now.
So I hope he is ready to receive the same harshness of judgement if he screws up with his own kids. Reading between the lines, the parents had to ration to be able to support all of their kids, couldn't do so equally and handled their firstborn really badly. The 16 year grudge is not healthy and he would feel better if he could move past it.
Nooooooooooooooooo. Parents that mess up earlier try to make it better later, in whatever way they can. These Parents did not and demanded even more from him (wanted to be part of the wedding instead of just invited, THAT'S entitlement).
Load More Replies... Most definitely NTA. Wtf kind of parents are they? Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! I wish you and your fiance all the best!
The kind that didn't kick him out penniless and gave him money for college. Rent is the least to ask of an 18 year old with a job and partially paid for tuition. Not everyone's family can afford to give their kids even that.
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This is why people should need a license to fukim breed, so much abuse neglect favoritism so much horror and what has been done? More unwanted babies in poverty, parents are worthless if they can't financially support them thru out their school tuition etc,..
Entitled, jealous, vindictive, resentful, petty. No one owes/owed him anything after he turned 18. But they still gave him money. And he doesn't appreciate it, he compares it to the perception that his sibling got more than he did and complains that he didn't get enough. But in the post he said that what they got was the ability to live at home. He had that and chose to move out. He also chose to keep them at a distance because "he was busy". Sounds like a supportive family, but he wants to be the victim where there is no victim.
Be thankful they gave you the money they saved you thankless a*****e. Some kids don't even get that.
The point of comparison isn’t “What do other kids get?” It’s “What did my siblings get?” If I threw human excrement at your home, it’s unlikely that a court would side with me after I explained that I threw my rocks at other people’s home which were covered in human excrement. It even more unlikely that the court would call you a “thankless arsehole” for the lack of rocks inside the excrement.
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Parents should be happy. One less rugrat to deal with. I wonder how far the son would have made it without his "parents money" and the independence and freedom they bestowed upon him. What a loser.
the only I like to add while I understood your hurt remember they will not be with you forever.Do you really want that paper be the last thing they see.You will probably make mistakes when you become a parent.Different mistakes of course.Please forgive them.But then let them know I love you but I am very independent and don't need help with my wedding planes.I love for you to come to my wedding and meet my future wife.
Don't guilt people please. I have trauma from seeing one of mine die and even I don't say this (what you said) to others, unless I know for sure they're on good terms and even then I don't invalidate and more encourage ILYs to be said if they feel up to. Why? Because sometimes families suck. Sometimes they're abusive or toxic. Sometimes its worth it to be NC. OP should only forgive for themselves, when they feel ready to. Not because death will one day be a thing. That will come at any time, it is the only uncertainty we have that is a certainty in life. If your family is not toxic or you regret not speaking to them bc a passing happened then that is your right. But OP is not you. Neither is their family.
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This sounds so UNGRATEFUL. Look around you. Like they worked and saved up for college. I applaud them for that some. Just think how them giving you money for college HELPED YOU LIFE. Just think how you would have been without that START in life. And these comments are ridiculous!!! Send them a bill ? Unbelievable?!! They should send you a bill for the same for the 18 years they provided for you. Be GRATEFUL for what you had. They provided for you. There was no abuse in the home or drugs. You ate food went to school the doctors had a stable roof over your head. Some children have none of that. You grew up in a two family home. All those things are blessings. Living in the world we live in now. There are horrible parents who don’t do anything for the children. Shame on you for being UNGRATEFUL! Parents are living check to check and can’t afford to send children to COLLEGE. GROW UP AND BE A MAN.
You are 100% correct! These other people commenting are unbelievably entitled.. it’s bizarre and pathetic. No one is owed anything in this life, be grateful you have a mind: to think!
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Beautifully argued, Sally. An expansive, thoughtful post, which explains your rationale in full. I feel enriched.
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“I'm sure your siblings were given similar choices”. You make a very good point. Obviously, it’s possible that you’re making this up, that you have no evidence for it, and that your entire post therefore falls apart. But if you could provide any evidence for the siblings being given similar choices, I’d love to hear it.
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What people ignore here is that OP was civil at first and invited them to the wedding. But his entitled parents demanded that he treated them to more. They wanted to be part of the wedding and being allowed to be involved after they've chosen to not be involved all those years in between. That's why OP is NTA. Hi parents demanded rent. They demanded he gets through school all on his own. Yes they gave him some money but they refused to give him emotional support. Then they turned around and gave his YOUNGER siblings money, let them live there rent free AND supported them. They didn't bother too keep contact in between, they didn't bother to give emotional support. But now, without any mention of them ever trying to mend bridges, they demand that OP behaves as if all of that never happened and let them play supportive parents. They're delusional. They should have just accepted the invitation and come to the wedding. OP had thrown them and olive branch, but they demanded the whole tree
The one YTA reply: "Sounds like you started treating them like landlords..." Um actually, the Parents are the ones who wanted to be treated like landlords. OP was maliciously complying.
Load More Replies... Apparently saying power (whether small or big) and being involved in the wedding. Despite not making more of an effort to be closer with him. Nor paying a small portion of things. And for those who think I'm making things up like the other commentor, read what was said; they wanted to be involved with the wedding. Think about what that typically means for parents of the bride and groom. What roles they play; In the wedding party, going to cake tasting, dress shopping, some other cultural stuff, etc. so maybe it wouldn't have been telling OP and his gf that they should have this flower instead of that but it likely could have been something like that. Or trying to be in the wedding party at all. Lots of options and they still hadn't done the bare minimum to be involved (keeping up a closer bond or maybe money for the wedding but the former is very important.)
Load More Replies... This resonates with me. I wasn’t the best academically while both my siblings found school pretty easy so when I got less than impressive exam results I was told that I should get a job. The only job I could get was low-paid catering work and I gave half my weekly wage to my mother. I went to night class and re-sat my exams getting good enough grades to go to Uni. I moved out, studied and worked throughout my time there - almost trying to compensate for my earlier failure in their eyes. My academically gifted siblings both got good degrees but still lived at home, rent free being financially supported by my parents. This still goes on today and, while I’ve been fully independent for decades, I do occasionally feel a twinge of resentment that the same expectations were not asked of them. Phone calls aside I haven’t seen any of them for years. Perhaps that’s for the best.
To be honest, you have to do what's best for you. If they were not supportive when you needed them, there's no reason to try to keep a relationship with people who don't care about you. Anybody can have children, but not everybody can be a good parent.
Load More Replies... What people don't seem to understand is that nobody is obliged to forgive you. Even if you apologise. This looks like a toxic relationship, but the parents can't expect to be involved in their son's life because they feel like it, after 16 years of virtually no contact. They may have had their reasons, but they sound like real a******s.
While it is true that nobody is obligated to forgive, holding on to a grudge is incredibly destructive for the person holding the grudge. I would hope that people who cannot forgive out of love or care for the other person can do it out of love and care for themselves.
Load More Replies... The people who are saying "he worked and turned out fine" don't understand poverty trauma. It causes long-term psychological damage to be constantly fearful about if you're going to get the next bill paid. Working yourself into exhaustion whilst going to school can also cause psychological damage, because you don't get the down time your mind and body require to rest and restore. As much as A**l Musk insists on a billionaire mindset, very few people can go for 18 hours a day every day. We aren't built for it. OP knows his parents could have made things easier for him (like letting him live at home for free) but they chose not to. That's a Boomer attitude of "I suffered, so you should too." It's the worst thing parents can do to their kids. Most people can't just let go of that kind of hurt. Good on him for getting a scholarship, moving away, and building a life, but I see entirely why he doesn't want his family to be much a part of it.
He wasn’t in poverty. His parents gave him money and he didn’t ask for help. You know, living frugally is not poverty.
Load More Replies... wtaf is wrong with people calling him an ah???? NTA all the way. He has every right to do what he did.
NW his parents were f****d up. They charged him rent giving his a more financial headache while trying to make us future better. I'm sure his parents paid for the siblings education as well as housing. Meaning he got to hear about them coasting by while he was struggling. Surprised they were invited to the wedding at all.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think this is a golden child scenario... op wasn't kicked out, he left because he was offended when his parents charged him rent. After he left he went minimal contact and apparently held a decades long grudge. If I had to see it from the parents perspective, a lesson on responsibility before their first born went to school went horribly wrong. They essentially lost their kid over something petty and stupid. They didn't do it with the other kids because they were afraid the same thing would happen again. (Probably overcompensated too, since now they're struggling) Its a very common tactic in certain circles to charge your kids rent when they're out of highschool, hold onto the money, and present it to the kid on the first day of uni or moving out as a reward. Some parent sprinkle some extra cash in there as well. I don't know if that was their intention, but if it was, could you imagine loosing your kid over it?
“They essentially lost their kid over something petty and stupid. They didn't do it with the other kids because they were afraid the same thing would happen again. They also chose to let their eldest child go virtually NC because although they realised they’d done something petty and stupid, they would rather lose the love of their firstborn child than admit that they were wrong.” I mean, it’s an argument of sorts, I suppose.
Load More Replies... There is a very common family structure where one child is grossly unfavored by the parents, where as the other or others are clearly the golden child/children. Sounds like there is more to this that has gone on over the years. So probably NTA as some of you suggest. Coming from a very toxic family I know exactly how.these conversations go down. It's never just a simole sorry, always a but involved.
I’m highly confused. First child - here’s money towards college and please start paying rent as you’re 18 and you had to move out because you went to college in a different city anyway. Later siblings - here’s money towards college and we don’t know what the talks about rent were or how old they were when they started college. 18 in May vs 18 in September may have impacted, also the amount of money needed to pay for the college courses themselves for each kid. It may be that the money given to each child is the same overall, and we have no way of knowing from the information given to us.
You are so right Frances. All we know is the OP's narrative, what he personally chose to share with us. For all we know his parents might not have spent any more on his younger siblings education then they did on his. And while they chose to live at home he opted to attend University in some distant location and chose to have very limited contact with his parents. He also talks about both sides of his mouth. Out of the one side he says that he doesn't want their money. Out of the other side he suggests to us that his forgiveness is for sale with his admission that he sent them an itemized list of how much it would cost them. This was done against his fiancee's advice, BTW. I'll bet the wedding invitation to his parents was more her idea than his. I might be having second thoughts about marrying him if I were her.
Load More Replies... I'm very confused by this post. OP says he was expected to be independent but then says his parents gave him a significant sum of money they had saved for him. We don't have any idea of what his rent had cost at that time or what the actual arrangements the parents had with the younger siblings. The family estrangement seems rooted in something else not mentioned in this post. The fact he would send his parents an itemized list of bills seems unhinged.
There is a whole lot of info missing from this story, which makes it really difficult to parse out what's actually going on here.
Load More Replies... I hate when people act like feeding and clothing someone for 18 years of their life is like a favor. Nope you signed up for that when you decided to have a kid. They didnt ask to be born and if you're expecting to be applauded for doing the bare minimum of providing for a child YOU decided to have, then you shouldn't have had them. That's more so directed at one of the comments, but it really gets on my nerves because SO many people should not have kids at all but have multiple as if they'll do better after a little practice when its literally a human life that's molded by their upbringing.
So your parents gave you a couple of thousand bucks(which is more than what almost everyone gets from their parents) you yourself said you didn't keep in contact with the people who love you and just gave you a couple of thousand dollars because you were "busy". They acknowledged they made mistakes (apologized or said they were wrong), and you are offended that they want to be more involved in your wedding and life. Am I missing something or have an incorrect understanding of events? And the rent they wanted was it more or less than the apartment you found? It just seems like there is more to the story.
This is definitely a 'too little info' story. Those who don't acknowledge this interpret whatever is in their favor (and considering the target audience, it is more often in the favor of the 'neglected' child) and those who see the lack rather call the OP an AH because that's how it actually seems if one accounts for the personal bias of the OP (and even without). Paying rent, which is far below the usual prices is very common and also very fair, it keeps the family together while preventing many from becoming lazy bums. Working experience is utterly necessary and better not just gotten after graduating with however many degrees. Parents wanting to be involved with a wedding is also natural and doesn't mean that they want to direct anything. Of course do also younger siblings have a higher chance to remain at their parents home because there is more space. Is it unfair? Yes. However older siblings can have their own sets of advantages. Of which many are forfeit by oneself.
Load More Replies... I understand the argument on both sides, however, my question is, would his parents have ever apologized if it wasn't for the wedding invitation in the first place? The wedding invitation came and then they acknowledged their mistakes. If that had never come, would things have stayed the same? They were not held accountable until forced to do so.
I'll bet the wedding invitation was more her idea than his, especially since she advised him not to send the itemized list of how much his forgiveness would cost them. I think she wants a relationship with his parents more badly than he does.
Load More Replies... "Get over it" The people saying that they admitted their mistakes. No they didn't. They did the equivalent of saying, "I'm sorry my actions made you feel that way, but it's your fault for getting upset". They're not apologizing or admitting they were in the wrong. They just don't want to hear about it anymore. They want him to "get over it". Thet hurt him and they're acting like the victims. He's simply refusing to take their emotional abuse, which is exactly what this is. I see it all the time in my own family and it's disgusting.
That's exactly the only problem with the parents. Sure, everyone makes mistakes but they're clearly not sorry. No one who is sorry ever says "it's in the past, get over it". People who genuinely believe they made a mistake apologize and try to make up for it.
Load More Replies... For those who are saying the OP is the AH, where have the parents been the last 16 years? Have they shown any interest in the OP during this time or have they tried to ignore his existence? Who initiates this yearly phone call and why? The OP is NTA in my opinion. Live your best life with your future wife.
He doesn't say; which, in itself is telling. If they'd ignored him for 16 years he'd probably be going on about being abandoned. For all we know they've been trying to open lines of communication this entire time. OP admits to making himself 'busy' to avoid his family so he's clearly the one puting up the distance. We also have to remember they did not kick him out pennyless into the street. They gave him money for school and were willing to let him live at home if he paid rent. Not an uncommon ask of an 18 year old with a job going to college.
Load More Replies... Honestly I don't understand all the NTA people. OP's parents set aside money for him for college and gave it to him. They asked for rent when he turned 18 so instead he moved out. He was able to pursue a college degree with their monetary help and in his words he has a decent job so what's the problem? He's mad because his parents didn't charge his siblings rent? Is that seriously your only gripe that they got to live at home rent free? I mean did they buy your siblings cars, houses, pay for all their education? Is there more he isn't saying? Like seriously what is he complaining about? My sister was my Dad's favorite. I was second and my brother was third. My Dad made no attempts to hide this and was very open it. As such, my sister recieved special treatment. But he still helped out all 3 of us. Did my brother and I get the short end of the stick sometimes? Sure. But I'm an adult. I got over that so many years ago. OP needs to grow up.
I think we are hearing one very slanted side of the story from one very entitled child. Yes, I said child, because he is still acting like one. He admitted he didn't have anything to do with them while in school because he was busy. He was pissed not busy. No child should ever assume that their parents can or should pay for them to attend college. It sounds as if this guy was being a brat and that is why his parents asked for rent. It sounds as if the parents didn't demand to be part of anything they just wanted to know why they were excluded. As a parent I have to say, there is no winning. If you try to help and support children, you are a jerk because you are trying to "control" them. If you leave them to do it for themselves you aren't " supporting" them. YTA
Dude, parents demanding rent because they don't like the behavior of their child is financial manipulation and a form of abuse. I'm not debating if that's what they did or not, I'm responding to your thought that OP is a Brat and that's why parents charged rent. The fact you think that is acceptable is horrifying.
Load More Replies... I dunno. My sister and I have the same parents. They divorced when I was 4 and she 6. When I was 13 my dad and stepmom had a baby. They divorced when that baby was 8 and she lived with my dad. When we were growing up and we visited he was attentive and loving. When we were at home, it was out of mind. However, he was an amazing dad to our little sister. My older sister and I were always just happy our baby sister had a good relationship with him. We were never jealous. Of course we knew if we were living with him we would have been treated the same as we were when with him. If he was abusive we may have had different feelings about it all. I dunno. But as first time parents we learn things we wouldn't have done if we had known
better. And why would we do the same things that didn't work if we now know better? That seems silly.
Load More Replies... You all need to remember that we are ONLY hearing one side of the story. We don't know if the parents have been trying to be a part of their life or not. I went through the same thing, but it also made me stronger and more independent. My sibling ended being dependent on my parents up into her 50's. I would much rather have my life than hers, and I have the relationship with my kids that I always wanted with my parents. I'm better off for it and I learned to put up huge boundaries to keep from being hurt by them.
Whatever one thinks about the whole situation, what gets my goat is that "he should get over it". That is not for his parents to decide. It's up to him whether he "gets over it" or not. I would like to point out that him getting over it benefits the parents more than him and is thus self-serving more than anything else.
NTA. OP was literally booted out of the house the moment he turned 18. Yes, his parents gave him money. But it smacks of "here, take this money, leave, and don't come back." Yet not only did they allow his siblings to remain at home after turning 18, OP'S parents indulged them. That was pretty much an in-your-face f-u to OP. His parents must have blown a fortune on their golden children, to be in debt after 16 years. The "bill" OP sent them was never intended to be paid; he wanted to make a point. It was pretty ballsy (entitled) of his family to ask why they weren't included in the wedding. In his place, I wouldn't have even extended an invitation; they didn't earn the privilege. In fact, it might be a better idea to rescind the invitation; there's no telling what kind of drama his family may stir up at the ceremony/reception.
I had to work and scrabble my way through university, going Canadian winters without a coat because I couldn't afford one. Constantly sick and terrified of whether I'd make my bills. Rarely sleeping more than 5 hours a night because I had to work and study. As I watched my parents buy my younger sister gorgeous clothes, sign off on her getting student loans because they didn't want her to have "stress" at university. I asked them why, they yelled at me that it wasn't my place to question their parenting. I was just not the favourite child. Sucks to be them. I have CPTSD and they won't let anyone think they're less than perfect, so they're stuck supporting me till I'm through my years-long therapy program.
Load More Replies... One word, "Effort". Relationship needs effort. If you don't bother to put in that effort then don't bother to get the same. So I say what he did is right. It's not easy to forgive something that causes you quite the trauma.
So let's get this straight. They minimal contact with him. Find out he's getting married. He even invites them. Then suddenly expect not only total forgiven for treating him poorly, but also to be a part of the wedding? He offered and olive branch and they tried to take the whole tree. His reaction was a bit much, but contextually it's just returning their demands in kind.
This is true. Plus he doesn't actually want money for them he was just doing the list to prove a point so I think although a bit much it's an understandable "you are being unreasonable to expect this so I will be too to show you."
Load More Replies... When a family treats someone rudely, unfair, or even evil or humiliating (you know what I mean by that), the worst thing is that this person who was hurt 10 or 20 years ago, the worst thing they can hear is "it was a long time ago, you should already forget about it, time goes on". So they think it was just one event. And it's very likely a situation that shaped that person's whole life. Sorry for my English, but I had to try to explain, because that is all I hear from people and it's disturbing and disgusting thinking.
Your English is very good. And I understand your point well and agree.
Load More Replies... Just a words to live by. Both of my parents never wanted me. Both told they lived a better life without me in their life. But I sure miss the parent who raised me. My grandfather. He was mean, cruel, and nasty to me and always told me why he is that way. Because that how his parents were to him. He said he did not want any forgiveness or expect it from me. From that I learn not to hold anything against him or my parents. As I did not want it to be passed onto my kids. I regret not telling him I loved him before he died. Past is in the past. It define you, but does not make you unless you allow it to shape you.
As a Christian, I always thought merely saying, "Jesus loves you" was too easy and too shallow. And as I sit reading this in the middle of the night, yeah, I guess it is too easy and shallow for me to say so right now. But I can't help it. I don't know if you believe in Christ or not, but if you believe in any sort of justice, you have to believe someone out there loves you because Wow! you deserve to be loved. If you haven't found someone yet, I sure hope you find someone to help you experience the love you so richly deserve.
Load More Replies... Wow, you people in the comments saying he's entitled is disgusting. Being given money doesn't make up for years of neglect, then added pain of watching the other siblings be favored. Also, not all money is given freely. We don't know if this money had strings attached (like, you only get this money if you leave) but getting money from parents is not always a good thing and money NEVER makes up for being abused (emotionally in this case). Everyone with the view of him being entitled is so focused on him receiving money, him "selling" his forgiveness, him tallying up the expenses he had to pay for, that you are completely missing that THE PARENTS are the ones that taught him monetary value of his worth, and it wasn't worth as much as his siblings. OP even stated that he didn't know how better to phrase his title (Selling Forgiveness) to get his point across, which means that was not how he was thinking about it at all when he wrote it up. Goodness people.
You say we don’t know all the details, however you are doing the same. We don’t know all the left out details? OP sounds EXTREMELY entitled…
Load More Replies... The sheer entitlement from the OP is crazy. The parents asked him to pay rent, not move out — he decided to do that. They felt that asking him to pay rent had been a mistake, so they didn't do that for their other children, even though that decision clearly was an incredible financial burden — they had to go into debt to do it! Yet the OP doesn't care that the fact that his parents clearly gave him a decent start — he acknowledged that the money they GAVE HIM was instrumental to him making it on his own. The parents here aren't perfect, but the OP is the one who decided to essentially cut them out of his life by being busy. Presenting them with an itemized f*****g bill of how he feels his siblings got preferential treatment is the f*****g topper to a s**t-tier cake. The parents reacted badly to that, clearly, which doesn't reflect well on them; don't tell someone to "get over it." But yeah, OP is the a*****e here. Sometimes parents aren't financially stable. Have some damn perspective.
My dude...no. They had their chance to make a genuine apology and they started instead with the get over it attitude. Sorry but OP isn't cutting them off, they're getting invited to a wedding and rightfully slapped in the face for asking why they weren't involved in planning said thing. He was busy in college and the parents had ample opportunities in a decade and a half to apologize and try to reconnect: they didn't. They're getting what they deserve, they're getting what they asked for. Though a parent might learn from having more than one child and the oldest is a test run of sorts, that person is human and the mistakes you make cannot be covered with "it was a long time ago". If the parents had taken accountability that would've been way different, but shaming their child because a lot of time has past IS NOT taking accountability.
Load More Replies... My older stepbrother was given everything as was my younger siblings, but because I wasn't my stepmoms, I shouldn't have been able to have anything. Even BUYING MY OWN CAR 100%! When I brought up my stepbrother being given a car, I was told I got a bed, 2nd hand from a friend of my stepmom's who was just getting rid of stuff. Told her to take it back and I'll sleep on the floor. She didn't expect that. Moved out when I was 18 and told my dad when I got married that I didn't care what he told her, she was NOT to attend. Honestly, he's lucky he was invited. I doubt he will b again, if I ever get married again
So instead of fixing their mistake with the child they hurt, they reward their other children?
No they over corrected. And we're going on OP version of events. For all we know the younger siblings paied rent and lived at home through school. The mistake was going into debt trying to pay for their younger children's full tuition instead of what they could afford and requiring their kids to get loans, scholarships, student aid, etc like their older son.
Load More Replies... Hard to say either one is an a*****e, but wait til you're a parent. There's no fixed formula of what works for one works for another one. Be glad you learned to support yourself. Would you rather be a 30-something person living at home, clueless on how to take care of yourself. Your parents did you a favor. A small gesture of involving them doesn't seem outlandish. In the end, it's your life.
They saved and gave him money to help support his college education, years of saving out of love. He was nasty about being expected to contribute as an adult and instead spent MORE money by living away from home out of spite. They regretted the way things turned out and decided not to impose the same on the next 2 siblings. What we don't know: did the siblings financial help too, did they pay rent or contribute to the household while they lived there and he isn't saying anything about that. Was there a college fund available at the same level for the siblings as provided to him? Basically, he may have scared his parents into spoiling his siblings or he may have a very skewed idea of what each kid received out of his own personal resentments. I don't trust his version as the parents did give him real financial support at the time he played the bitter card when he was asked to contribute as an adult.
Demanding rent whilst your kid is going to school is like squeezing blood from a stone. It's deliberately making things harder for them in a world that's hard enough. I can see why OP was like "yeah, I'd rather give a stranger rent than my parents." And moving to the city cut his commute time, which probably helped him get a bit more rest because he had to work anyhow. My parents promised me they'd pay for my university. Then I got there, and they said "nope, you work your way through." It was such a betrayal, and it was hell on wheels to manage working and classes, especially with learning problems from brain injuries. My mum literally said "I had to suffer, so should you." Now she doesn't understand why I have CPTSD.
Load More Replies... I mean, they gave you money they saved for you. They didn't have to do that. Dude just seems resentful that he didn't get spoiled.
Dude just seems resentful that his parents treated his siblings better than they did him. Perhaps you should try it with your own kids - let us know how well that goes.
Load More Replies... These parents are something else, playing favorites is always wrong. I bet OP has a strong work ethic, is tougher and ultimately more financially secure than his coddled siblings. My mother gave all of the resources to my brother because he was the boy or some c**p. I'm more successful than him in every measurable way and a lot of immeasurable ways, he's 48 & has never even had a real job, he's a miserable person. My mother still likes him better, I don't need her approval anymore. OP is NTA.
NAH, your parents were hugely unfair to you when they cut you off financially and emotionally without warning and charged you rent and had you struggle while they treated your siblings much differently and much better. You're supposed to treat all of your kids the same, but some parents have different sets of rules for their kids that are harmful and flat out unfair and wrong. I think you were very generous to expect them at your wedding, I wouldn't have invited them at all. After the way they treated you they didn't deserve an invite. You shouldn't have asked them for anything at all and they were wrong to tell you to get over the wrong they did so they can feel better about themselves. You should cut them off like they cut you off. That was the choice they decided to make, so let them live with that. They are wrong to expect anything from you and don't even acknowledge your pain at all. They only care about themselves and your other siblings. Cut them off
Let's just start here. I absolutely agree that your parents handled this situation extremely poorly. When they decided that they handled how they treated you growing up badly and figured they needed to change that with your siblings they should have first started with making amends to you. With not starting with correcting the mistakes that they made with you personally was the biggest mistake of all! I cannot understand why they didn't start there but then lavished all the emotional and financial support onto your younger siblings and thought that this was acceptable and still didn't do anything to correct the situation with you. How could they not see this was a huge error on their part?? I just don't know. WOW!! And when they received an invitation to your wedding they should have been extremely honored that they were invited at all. But instead of thanking you for the invitation and being honored they asked for more. Unbelievable!! That is insane!! You ANTA!! They are!!
I'm going on 5yrs No Contact because of the double standards I was held too
As a parent, I can see the point of the parents. They gave him money and wanted him to pay rent. He..chose to move out and do it all on his own. I'm sure the parents were trying to insill some responsibility in them and he got butt hurt.They did not want to lose their younger children so they did things differently.As the youngest of 5 siblings I was the one who went to high-school came home to cook, clean,and take care of my dad who had MS and needed total care while my siblings were in college which my parents paid for. When Igraduated I was not able to go to college due to still responsible for my dad. After several years my brother dropped out of college and my mom paid for a night course EMT-Basic class and after the course of a few years of working as an EMT, I Finally got my paramedic license and still had to pay my mother back for the classes. I could have been resentful and not had contact with them but they are my family. If OP wants to harbor resentment then that is on him.
As a parent of 4 children ages 31, 18, 15 and 8, i feel this person needs to take a long hard look at what maybe was behind the scenes or try and understand his parents a little before being so resentful. When parents are starting out and beginning their families, money is tight. Alot of times that oldest child is in a way, the guinea pig for many mistakes. This is generally why the eldest usually becomes the most independent because they have to learn to adjust to lot of things with growing families. As each child leaves the home, parents are usually in a better place financially, more established with bills, etc. Too many parents make the mistake of supplying help for the younger siblings cuz they now have means when they didnt with the eldest. They shouldnt, they should keep it fair. That is the mistake many make. But it isnt out of favoritism, i feel. Its more out.of guilt, i think, that they wish they could've helped all of them. You only get one family. Communicate.
No, if the parents truly didn't have money and realized their wrong, then they should have tried to make it better earlier ... when they found out.
Load More Replies... I'll never understand why people want to be involved in the plan of a wedding that wasn't theirs. I gladly come in as a guest, burden- free. These parents should be happy that their first born made this far on his own. Isn't that the purpose of making him independent at 18 y.o?
I honestly feel like OP is TA. No one gets it right on the first try and his parents consciously saved for his education and gave him the money to help him out. I’m not trying to take away from his trauma but he was sounding rather entitled. Idk the amount that was saved but that’s more than what most first children can say was done for them growing up. I didn’t have half that support growing up or getting through school. And on top of that after coming home from being out of state my first year of college I was homeless! My parents moved out of the townhome we used to stay in without letting me and my sibling know and all of our belongings were just gone! They didn’t save for us to go to school and barely helped us get through. I feel like if OP was hurting he could’ve handled this better but it seems like he had a different idea of how he should’ve been treated and that’s fair but his response to this whole situation make him TA.
There are two issues, parent child emotional support, parent child material support. This situation appears to have neither. The child probably learned to be self supporting and independent, but probably not nurturing, and will have similar over and under compensating issues with their children.
They did save money for him which is great. There are so many kids in worst situations. Charging him rent knowing he had to leave for school is definitely an a*****e move. Both parties could have texted everyday to at least say good morning to keep in touch. If this were my kid I would text another during the week. Even if there is no response, I love you goes a long way. Sending encouragement in text goes a long way. When he responded they way he did about the wedding they should have stopped him and said we love you and we are coming. Do you and your wife need anything would be nice to say. Then tried to repair the relationship through actions. Everyone makes mistakes. It is what you do about them that makes the outcome. Both Parties need to realize everyone is alive and well. Make amends
When I left home at 17 I wish my parents had given me a chunk of money. This guy had a nest egg given to him plus scholarships. It could have been a lot worse, but he's comparing himself to people who had more. There will *always* be people who had/have more, but also remember that there are a whole lot of people who have/had less and would have traded places with you in a second. Don't focus on what you don't have, focus on what you do and be thankful for it. Count your blessings, it could always be so much worse.
Oh shush. Just cause other people have it worse that doesn't mean his pain is dismissable. You're the type of person that tells a suicidal individual to visit a pediatric cancer ward to help them feel grateful for what they have in life, huh?
Load More Replies... There's 2 ways I'm reading this: The parents are narcissists and the OP is the scapegoat while his siblings are the golden children. Or, he's been the problem and his parents thought it would be better to save up to allow him to move out right when he turned 18 so they wouldn't have to put up with him, and they thought he would tune up over the years. Often times, narcissists will see everyone else as the narcissist. In this case, the latter bulb is brighter.
I was the scapegoat, my sister the golden child. I understand his resentment.
Load More Replies... There is an important detail here that is being overlooked, and that is that OP is the oldest child. People are growing, learning, and changing all the time, which means people are sometimes better parents to their younger child[ren] than their older child[ren]. It's not fair, sure, but I'm not sure how avoidable it is. This sounds to me like the parents did what they did with the oldest, saw how it damaged the relationship, and made a conscious decision to do different with their younger kids. It sounds like they could have definitely been much, much more open with OP about their mistakes and invited them into communication about it. They didn't, and that's on them. I don't see parents showing favoritism, though. I see parents learning from their mistakes and trying to do better. I can definitely understand why OP is salty about it, but nothing here sounds malicious to me. I hope OP can forgive and move on. I also hope parents can have an honest conversation with OP about all this.
Until I hear your parents side, this rant is simply unbelievable. Its too convenient in painting you as a victim. It wants us all to feel sorry for you? Please, send a link of this article to your parents. Give them a fair and honest chance to respond in this thread to this rant. Let’s hear their side of the story. I’d like to see their reaction to how they’re being portrayed here.
I agree with Caffeinated Dreamer2. I also have a non-western upbringing. I think the OP is wrong. Parenting does not come with a manual and parents almost always make most of their parenting mistakes with the first child. Comes with the territory. They learn from those mistakes and that is why junior siblings seem to have it better than the first born child (I know this because I am the eldest sibling in my family). Your parents want to be part of your life and perhaps this was an attempt to make amends for the way they treated you in the past.
When you make a mistake, here’s two things you can do: 1/Learn from it. 2/Admit it and make up for it as best you can. In this instance, the parents appear to have only done #1. As a result, they are responsible for having a poor relationship with their child.
Load More Replies... I’m just confused about the parents wanting to participate in the wedding, more than likely monetarily, but not being able to ‘pony up’ for all the absent years. What’s the difference? They have money for the wedding but nothing else because they are in debt due to helping the other children??? Am I missing something??
It’s obvious to me your not a parent of you wouldn’t be writing this. Yep, OP.. you are TA. Parenting is the most thankless job in existence and you make that obvious. Parents don’t get boundaries for at least the first few years or your life. We live on two hours of sleep a day for months. You eat, we starve or scrounge off your leftovers. You sleep, we take watch. You cry, we come running. We read you to sleep after checking for monsters. You get the good things in life, we let our gym memberships and makeup slide. Your days are filled with swimming lessons, recitals, sports, book fairs, a roof over your head and food in your belly. We pass out on the couch moments after you’ve gone to sleep content in the knowledge that YOU are having a good life. We stay up night’s worrying about you. We try everything we know to help you prepare for this world and it’s harshness, though it’s breaks our hearts to send you out into it. If anything your parents did your siblings a disservice.
Yeah, the parents did the OP a huge favour by helping the siblings and not him…
Load More Replies... I really don't see what the parents did as wrong. I'd need more details. They didn't kick OP out, he decided to move out. Charging adults rent is normal in my community. They don't talk much, he may not know if his siblings had to pay rent. The parents gave him a sum of money that helped with school. That's great! Maybe they were in a better financial situation to help the siblings. Or worse! Maybe they didn't have a lump sum to give them and instead made payments throughout school. I have three kids with a 10yr gap between the first and second born. I hope we continue to improve our financial situation. The help will look different to each child if we do. We love them all the same. Different people need help in different ways. If OP talked to the parents more maybe he would understand the reason his parents handled things the way they did. Even if I'm way off, OP shouldn't have sent the bill. Inviting them was kind. The parents also shouldn't expect more.
It’s kinda funny because people always think yea the parents are always allowed to do this and that with the children if they really wanted to teach independents and stuff like that special treatment is not the way to do it there are things parents by law have to do food house cloths that’s the basic no more no less and also do unto others what you want done unto you if they wanted to be in his life like people think they wanted to they would have done more to be the person they want to be and shown that to all the kids favoritism is never an answer you should never treat one kid “better” no matter go much “you f***d up the first time that’s shows this wonderful thing people call hypocrites
I had to start paying rent when I turned 18. Difficult, since I also had to pay for my own car and my own education. (Older brother got his car & education compliments of Mom & Dad). Later in life I realized they had actually done me a favor - I became quite strong, and learned how to take care of myself. My brother never did... That said - I let go of a long held grudge, and it was very freeing. I hope the author of this post can do the same. Parents are human, and they f*ck up.
Being forced to do all that makes some people strong and independent. It traumatizes others.
Load More Replies... Just on those family who called to tell him that he's AH. He needs to ask them where we're they when his parents treated him like that? Did they call and tell his parents they are AH?
You mean when they gave him what must have been a lot of money for part of his tuition? Or when they offered him to live at home instead of kicking him yo the curb at 18. Unless they were expecting him yo pay their mortgage rent is a small price for all the free perks of living at home as a student.
Load More Replies... I cannot express how much the YTA's p**s me off. Go jump in a volcano, victim blaming scum
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I dont know how this man behaved as he aged to 18. Also, he did say that his oarents gave him money they had saved for him. My father didn't give me dime. This man is nit acknowledging what his parents actually did do for him. Sounds to me the reason they weren't a part of his life for 16 years was because HE didn't want the relationship. Going no-contact is BRUTAL. But he chose that, not them. So brutal, in fact, his parents couldn't bear losing their other children that way, to the extent that they went into debt to prevent that heartache. I think the poster is not a knowledging his own part in this tragic family tale.
Because of the title, I was prepared to read about a spoiled child who freeloaded on their parents long after reaching adulthood, not someone who was treated like a boarder instead of a child, whose parents are the a******s who spent everything on their other kids, yet have the nerve, after treating him like an afterthought when he was growing up, followed by over a decade of not much contact, to get all pissy when they find out their involvement in their “other” kid’s wedding is going to match their involvement in that child’s life from birth to now. All I would say to those parents is, “Well, you f****d around and found out, didn’t you?”
So his parents gave him money to go to school, but HE cut them off for 16 years. He got by, even thrived, but thinks that THEY owe him. If your parents hadn't done what they had done, you would still be living at home with them now, just like your siblings are doing. They did the right thing by pushing you out, you did the wrong thing by cutting them out.
Sad thing is, that the parents now might not come to the wedding because they think he/she does not really want them there while he/she will think THEY are giving up the relationship entirely.
I feel him he's not the a*****e. People really need to get over their-selves. I hate when I hear parents did their best they made their mistakes. Okay and it's not the kids job to kiss your butt neither. People tells me you should do more for your mom like your sister does. Okay my sister got everything from my mom not me. So she owes my mom I don't. Than People says your mom is always there yeah at the Sametime stealing from me ad my kids and dogging and lying on us. Until you know everything do not say nothing.
Definitely NTA in my book. His parents told him to "act more adult," which imo means not depending on them for everything. The fact the parents coddled the younger siblings ticks me off. If they were going to be generous with the other kids, they should have helped him too. And wanting to "be involved" just sounds like wanting to interfere in case they felt he did something "wrong" in their opinion.
They did you a favor. You rose to occasion. It was the beat thing that ever happened to me, never saw it as a slight. I saw it as being given total authority over my own life. It was a gift.
I feel there is more to the story, but I'm going to unpack what's there. I hate he is receiving calls talking about how he is hurting his parents. I know that feels invalidating. I also feel like the OP sent the invite being very hopeful that his family would be able to show up for him in a way they haven't in the past. This hope is beautiful, but possibly a bit high of an expectation. We get the family we are delt and we can choose if and how we want them in our lives as adults or build a chosen family. Whomever we choose to be part of our lives we have to meet where they are. We can't change them, control them or make them be who we wish they were. The confrontation needed to happen, but saying that the money was the only thing to fix it doesn't give space for healing. It says that you can never undo what you did, true, but it also says there is nothing you can do to fix our relationship or be in my life. If he doesn't want them in his life that is fine, but he needs to state it.
The parents have had 16 years to try to heal things. If they don’t appreciate the suggested method, they’ll have doubtless come up with an alternative. And “We can’t afford to help you now. We could maybe have afforded to help you earlier. But now? Now we’ve got into debt by helping your siblings whom we love more,” isn’t a *great* riposte by them
Load More Replies... Interesting dialogue here... as a young person I experienced very similar feelings. Parents, siblings, family, and friends are a gift to life and should exist in love. We set up these rules on how to function in life following guides that are not the foundation. Love is. Sorrow and pain, demands, expectations, but where is love. Working hard is not a prerequisite to finding happiness but with grounds of support and follow through from the parents and him to do it in love is what creates positivity in the parents expectations. It sounds like you left him to fend for himself. Financial aid isn't the main thing here it is the inconsistency with his siblings. Parents created the separation and I believe him supporting his own heart and needs is keeping him in balance. Apologize parents and rebuild a relationship in love and ask and give forgiveness.
All the supporters of the OP are selfish greedy aholes themselves, parents are required by law to support till 18, after that it's up to the child, parents can just straight up kick them out, no money nothing. You think your entitled to free ride, I don't think so. Get off your lazy a*s and do something. The whole wedding thing, whatever a simple no would have sufficed. I hope your first child is stillborn, so you can feel the pain your parents were put through.
Throughout out this whole thread you've been insulting everyone and OP. When you don't need to, to say your point. You've been harassing many for no reason. Please do get professional help. Edit: typo.
Load More Replies... Mistakes were made by everyone. Few people know why they were treated differently than their siblings. Maybe OP's relationship with his parents wasn't good from the start. Maybe his parents thought he was the one kid, out of all of them, who was capable of making it on his own. That he was mature enough to be self-reliant. Sometimes parents do less for the kid who has the best chance of being successful. Children don't always understand that and parents don't understand it causes resentment. OP should be proud that he did it on his own. Did OP explain why there was a 16 yr riff? Sending his family wedding invitations was good. When they asked why they couldn't be more involved, all OP needed to do was tell them why. Sending them an itemized accounting wasn't necessary. IMO, this could have been handled so much better. OP has held resentment in his heart and distanced himself for too many years. Maybe now that he's getting married, he can start to heal those feelings and let go of them.
NTA, they screwed up on an entry to the adult world and didn't bother to correct their course in your life even after your siblings were afforded the opposite side of help for their 'debuts'. They did learn a lesson on parenting, cut a child off and a child can return the favor, they just expected a 1st child pass, in a dream world where you went to class (maybe) and relaxed the rest of the time as opposed to the hard work and master juggling it actually took to accomplish what you did.They haven't cared to be involved once you hit 18, the evil side of me wonders if, not when, your siblings will start to pay for their own lives as it is. And by the way, the saved money for your education, it was yours, not your parents, that you went on to use wisely. And the list, just shows them all the ways they could have given you a bit of help. They want to be there for the pats on the back the parents get at a wedding, even though they did very little in your adult life to deserve it
It was his money? Wtf?…people are so entitled.. yikes.. very odd way of thinking. …😕🤔
Load More Replies... Had this in my life. Got kicked out at 16 no money no support they "forgot" ny birthday twice. When I went 2 gov for help paying for college I was given 135$ a semester in aid. YUP a whole 135$. While they supported my sister n she's doing great now makes 300k a year lives in a big house that my mom moved into to help with the grand kids. I've talked to others like me n op. N it's very obvious that parents playing favorite is fully utterly wrong n does life long damage. My parents n any parents which 65% of families plays favorites so 65% of parents are SCUMBAGS!!!
FIRST OFF MOST PEOPLE CAN NOT AFFORD TO SEND THEIR CHILDREN TO COLLEGE. CANT EVEN SAVE UP EXTRA MONEY FOR THAT. YOU SOUND VERY ENTITLED!!! They never CUT him off !!! They just asked home to be an ADULT and help contribute. When did they cut him off ? Secondly before he can even see the “ favoritism “ with his siblings sounds like bullsh*t ! Maybe they did what the parents asked them to do ! At what part of the story did it say his parents cut him off. They were great parents to show you to have responsibilities and to teach you how to be an adult in the real world ! To pay for you COLLEGE TUITION and you leave home upset and UNGRATEFUL IS CRAZY !!! What’s wrong with what they asked. Sounds like they were good parents. Up until 18 they fed and clothed you keep a roof of your head. And you get mad at them ?! My parents didn’t pay for my college. I had to do it on my own. Some parents can’t even afford groceries in America! And you’re 16 years later a GROWN man still holding a grudge.
First off your parents never cut you off. Your parents asked you to pay rent. Showing you adult responsibilities. Secondly THEY PAID YOUR COLLEGE TUITION !!! Saved up of the years to make sure you had a great start in life ! Most parents can not AFFORD to send their children to college. So instead of following their rules you moved out with their money and was able to go to college. Here’s a thought” WHERE WOULD YOU BE IN LIFE IF YOU DIDNT HAVE THAT MONEY TO GO TO COLLEGE “ ? That’s the question? Seriously. You’re mad at your parents because they tried to show you how to be an adult. VERY UNGRATEFUL! And to still be talking about this at 16 years later. A full grown adult man sounds sad. The sense of entitlement you have is crazy. Most parents are struggling just to FEED their kids is major problem. And you’re complaining and holding a grudge. You sound very petty. You do not get to judge them on how they parented. HOW ARE HIS PARENTS ENTITLED? read the story closely.
I replied to your first comment, but I agree with ALL your comments! The fact that so many people are calling the parents ah is strange.. we live in a world where everyone wants a hand out. (Please feed me) (wipe my a**) (Do EVERYTHING for me!). It’s ridiculous… 😕
Load More Replies... There's obviously a deeper issue with this family. My kids would miss me and I would miss them too much to go even a month without talking.. these parents definitely did not raise this boy with unconditional love, that's why he's so mad. I understand his point of view because the responsibility lay with them to make an effort over that 16 year period.
Maybe he worded it wrong. He said he really didn't want the money, but I think that he wanted them to see proof of how hard he had to work, compared to his siblings. Maybe get we're sorry son we screwed up and validate his feelings to them.
At the very least he wanted them to recognise their demands to have be involved with the wedding were out of line as they didn't put in the effort for emotional support. The way OP words things, it's not about the money, it's about how much harder they made things on OP and then didn't make an effort to stay close.
Load More Replies... You guys have absolutely no idea how life works, do you? Parents are not suppose to pay for schooling, they're suppose to help you. Parents are also not suppose to let you live rent-free after you become an adult as paying for your extra necessities for free is absolutely f*****g 100% being coddled. OP didn't get the attention and money and all the benefits his siblings had gotten, welcome to being a self-sufficient adult. Get over it you sad sad materialistic manchild. Op is NTA Op is actually just an austically grown liberal manchild who has mommy and daddy issues because he wanted to be a spoiled mangina.
When I was in high school my parents divorced. My mother, a teacher would help me with college and my father, a wealthy businessman agreed to help my brother. I worked for a year, bought a car myself, earned a full scholarship and lived at home. My father bought my brother a car, set him up in an apartment for himself and his girlfriend paid tuition through graduate school and gave him an expense account. My brother spent a year in Europe after graduate school with his girlfriend. The stress I experienced in high school caused me to have a religious experience that changed my life forever. The independence and self-reliance I gained helped me to raise three sons as a single mother with no child support from their father. I eventually put myself through graduate school and paid for all three of my son's college myself. My parents had personality disorders and we weren't close, but I'm glad I was kind. The struggles I endured made me stronger and blessed me with unique experiences.
NTA & I think OP clarified his hurt & resentment by presenting them as a "bill." There was a cruel double standard & I don't blame him for distancing. Resentment tends to corrode the vessel that holds it- IMO he'll likely figure this out on his own terms. But I'd also warn him not to expect much from his parents in the future- he doesn't need more emotional abuse. He's made a good life for himself, BY HIMSELF & I've little doubt he'll be a strong person. Kudos & Well Wishes to him.
This isn’t uncommon treatment with the oldest child. I know, because I was the oldest and unfortunately also a girl. In Southern families, the eldest child is desirable to be male. My parents didn’t even wait until I was 18; I was kicked out at age 16. I have fended for myself my entire life. My siblings were treated much better, and maybe because there is a learning curve with raising children, maybe it isn’t always being favoritism? I’ve tried hard to forgive them, but the pain never really goes away. Now they are elderly, and guess who has to take care of them? Yup! Me. The unloved child is the one who steps up to the plate. BTW, I only had one child due to the specter of favoritism.
I'm curious, why are you taking care of them?
Load More Replies... I will never understand the people that expect of "children" to treat parents great even if they f-up along the way and force them to be the bigger person. Parent-child relationships are inherently not equal, parents have immensly more power and knowledge. Their mistakes weight therefore immensly more as well, they should have known better than to mistreat their child, if not they should have made ammends years ago and not try the bare minimum months before a wedding cause it will make them look bad. And it really isn't about money, it's about the unfair treatment and them never actually doing something to fix their broken relationship. they didn't really appologize either they want him to forget it so they can finally move on as well. It's not about parents also being humans and giving your child a home in the first 18 years of their life is really nothing to praise them for, it's the bare minimum of raising a child, that earns parents nothing in the long run.
How you treat them along the way and after they turn 18 that's the part that makes a good parent that has earned a right to stay in their childs life or be cut of as the AH they are. Parents decide to have children, not the other way around. Therfore children are never supposed to be the bigger person and don't have to cut their parents some slack. That's all responsabilities of the parents. And if they do a good job or often even a passable job their kids will give back freely and happily when the time comes. But parents can't expect to get the benefits of good parenting if they have not acutally parented well
Load More Replies... "...you need to move on"? Umm, you already did. You made a life. They chose not to get involved in it. Unless they were downright ugly to you over the past 14 years, heck yeah, invite them to your wedding. But AYTA? Yup, a little bit. Monetising forgiveness is tacky when you don't particularly want them more involved.
It seems like the YTA comments are missing the message in the original post, fixating on one thing
NTA You're protecting your boundaries and it sounds like you have generally positive but minimal contact. Now this where you're the a*****e. Presenting them with the list was a lot. Also confirming you're still hurt by their treatment of you must be painful too. Consider that they clearly made a mistake with decisions they made about you and they're trying to do better by your younger siblings. They were growing and learning as well. Punishing them will not bring you peace. Congrats to you on your wedding. All the best!
I think what most people don't understand is that the parents in this situation had a different level of abuse towards their now adult son. I see his point of view because I was neglected severely by my parents and abused by them as well for their own shortcomings. Not many people who have children become loving parent's. And those kind of parents probably had alot of growing up to do themselves when they had their first child. But no excuse to pull my way or the highway kind of behaviors either because they struggled with their own lack on incomes and financial slack on responsibilities. Due to their own mental health they pushed responsibilities onto him to help themselves. Where as his siblings are treated as royalty with no responsibilities. He has the right to feel neglected. He shouldn't feel shamed for that by others either. What the people here who think he is in the wrong for don't know. Is this man has been spit on his entire life. Letter was sent to imply I didn't forget.
ETA - the parents have absolutely no right to ask for anything. An invite to the wedding is the most they deserve. OP dropped to their level by sending an invoice and lost the moral high ground. The mention of parental debt from funding the younger kids rings alarm bells - looking for OP to help out financially maybe?
People saying YTA because OP didn't try to keep close relationship with his parents through the years are delusional... They basically started treating him like a tenant once he turned 18, then kept themselves busy with doing polar opposite for his siblings! It's not his effing responsibility to please them and sell himself short for the sake of forgiveness. He's perfectly entitled to feel angry, disappointed and done with them. Relationships are a two way street, and his parents done absolutely nothing to admit or apologize up until they wanted something from him :/
NTA. They had the audacity to ask why they hadn't been included in his wedding planning and then told him to get over it. They didn't even seem to be interested in the 16 years they'd lost out on. The itemised bill was crass and most people would have advised against it but it turned out to have a silver lining too because now he knows the people who kicked him out went into debt for the kids they liked more than him. I hope he finds peace.
There might be more to this however lets go over the line of events. 1. Op turns 18 and gets college money. 2. Parents want that money back as rent 3. Op goes to college and moves out. Working on their own. 4. Op has little contact with parents. Ends up managing to get through despite having no support. Is now getting married to his gf. 5. Op invites parents to the wedding. 6. Parents think that's not enough, despite having very little contact with op. They think think should be part of the planning. 7.op explains how his parents weren't there for him when he needed it and how it hurt. And the desparity between how they treated him and his siblings. 8. Parents told him to get over it. 9.op sends them a bill showing just how much they gave his siblings. At his fiances protest 9. Parents get upset upon being presented with the disparity. 10. Op clarifies he doesnt care about the money. Just wants- WANTS them at the wedding. Parents should be happy they are invited. Not angry.
Definitely the poster is wrong for sending an itemized bill and holding a grudge for years over things they bought the siblings. I'm the youngest of 3, I got the least, paid my wedding without family help. Grow up! My siblings got more financially and it made them dependent. I have a great credit score, car paid off. I don't need my parents money- I work. My siblings got more and financially, I am the most successful out of the 3. This poster is good birth control.
IF the "parents" gave OP the emotional support he needed, this would be a moot point. If from the beginning - regular ( not yearly) calls, notes of encouragement, etc - would have given OP the feeling of Love he needed. Shame on the "parents" lack of money is NO excuse for lack of LOVE. We raised a kid as broke azz parents (life kind of screwed us) - they needed to pay their own way through university ( and did a great job). We were always there with anything we COULD do. We could give free food and housing and lots of hugs. Now we have a great relationship with a wonderful adult.
NTA.. But being apologetic to them may take BIG burden on OP's mind.
Simply not enough information is provided. Some parents are jerks but IMHO most are simply trying to do the best they can. I’m the parent of two kids who are now out of the house and starting up their careers - and I gotta tell you, whatever plans you have for raising and educating your kids, they are subject to radical change, ex: Mom loses her job; COVID; stock market crash; unexpected inheritance; education costs skyrocket; etc. We started off with “we’re going to treat both of our kids exactly the same” but this became more and more impossible over time. And, as someone else mentioned, it’s quite possible the parents concluded they should go a different route for OP’s siblings.
"They raised you, paid all your bills and gave you room and board for your first 18 years of life, you should be grateful to them for that." Why? That is the BARE MINIMUM for a parent - anything less is a crime. They're the ones who wanted the child. It is -not- the child's responsibility to pay their own way until they are adult. This is what you sign up for by having a child. Don't expect that they should be overly you-get-whatever-you-want-from-them grateful just because you and your partner decided to bump uglies one night.
The title of this article suggests the OP is in the wrong and the parents just asked him to be mature (18 year old start acting like an adult) instead of the parents being unfair.
Here's the question I always ask: if it were the other way around, would OP still be the A? When I quit school because I was very medically ill and COULDN'T continue for my own health, my dad got angry and sent me an itemized list of stuff I should pay back because I "broke my end of the deal". If parents are going to treat their kid like some kind of business deal (which these parents essentially did, by kicking OP out at 18 they said "welp, we've done our bit, now you have to do yours!") then they should expect to have that kind of detatched relationship. OP is NTA and by giving them that itemized list he simply reflected the behaviour he was shown.
They were crappy parents, tell 'em to pound sand and cut them out of your life.
Apparently his siblings were able to go to university in the town his parents lived in. Have to wonder if part of the problem was OP was not willing to do the same. Our ability to support our kids through university was based on their going to school locally, and living at home. We could not have afforded the same level of support had either chosen to move away for school. Perhaps his parents were in the same position? Further, OP states his parents gave him money they had saved for university for him, so he did get some (maybe most) of the financial support (outside of the free housing) his siblings got. If so, YTA for being petty and vindictive. Needs to take a close look and see if he has/had unrealistic expectations of what support his parents could provide when he chose to leave home to go to university.
The one NTA that said people who said YTA are the golden child is so real. I relate to OP. The oldest child is the "practice round" that parents find all the ways to f**k up parenting and then use that to treat the younger kids better. We're just experiments basically. We will never be treated the same as the youngest. And even when they correct their mistakes with the younger ones they continue the mistakes with you. Me being adopted (and the only kid adopted) made it even worse because I already felt different from everyone else, my parents treatment towards me vs my siblings just made me feel even more out of place
NTA, they let the other siblings stay home through their college and expect the oldest to just get over it? Hooray for OP for their marriage and also getting by independently.
If the parents realised they made a mistake, they could have taken him in. They could have later reached out and say: hey, we wanted to tell you that we made a mistake and are sorry. But they didn't, so they thought this was okay - until they didn't get what they felt they were entitled to. And somehow some call OP TA? Looks like those people have Stockholm Syndrome and try to tell themselves that the s****y behaviour from their own parents was okay....
Looking at people saying the parents would be hurt that way over a petty grudge... b***h u stupidaf, you're saying they should be a part of the wedding
Too much information missing. Your parents said for you to pay rent, so you would pay for boarding, bed and laundry with no responsibilities? Had they informed you of this demand beforehand or on your 18th birthday? What was the relationship like during the 16 years? Did you try to make amends? Did parents continue to pay all expenses of siblings after they graduated college to when they moved out? Did you send a bill of your expenses for 16 years? (Seriously, bad move). Congrats on upcoming wedding. Why should parents be included in planning YOUR wedding? Moms can turn your wedding into into the wedding they never had. I will not say YTA or NTA. I will wish you the best.
I prepared an Excel spreadsheet after my divorce. I was the primary [80%] earner for 13 years. I did all of the cooking and most of the gardening and all the repairs. She painted and sculpted and sold one piece in the whole time. We split the Feline Maintenance 50-50. We had no kids. I did this for the CATHARSIS - in case she came after me for alimony. I would say, 'Sure, here's what you owe - pay that and we're at an even split.' Then I would agree to some alimony. No conversation ever occurred. But I felt better.
I'm sorry I'm on the side of the parents for lack of details. Up til 18 they tool care of him and gave him money for school. How much we're they asking for rent? Maybe the lesson was how to budget and get by as an adult? Maybe they would of saved the money and gave it to him as a savings later. Maybe they asked for $100 or only 200 a month probably less the what he would of payed living at home? To be honest he seems entitled but what it really looks like both ends were stubborn and didn't want to work anything out after the turmoil. Maybe the parents feared continuing to raise entitled children and didn't want to lose relationships with their other children. OP didn't sound grateful for what he did have, compared to what a lot of people have as parents or lack of. OP sounds as if he was raised in a neighborhood where the families were probably a little more affluent than his, comparing what his friends families did for them, not realizing his parents sacrifice. Sorry op in the wron
Sounds like they are ALL Aholes to me. Better to stay away from each other.
I guess what is missing for me in this story is what led up to the parents wanting the child to grow up. Did they have loud fights and power struggles? Did the child have an entitlement streak? Were the parents physically abusive (I assume not, or that would have been part of the story). Parents do make mistakes-- every single one. The question is, could they have worked on it together if the child were willing to meet less than halfway? Not having more history makes it hard to assess this. All I see is resentment and no willingness to see the other side having a point of view. That is automatically suspect for me. But, again, not enough to go on. But if there were a real sense of righteousness, I would think that the child would have refused the money from the parents if that's what it would take to get out from under their thumb. Instead he took the college money and ran. So I don't actually have the best impression (though incomplete).
I feel like when I move out (hopefully I'll be able to), a similar thing will happen. Since I won't be here to cook, clean, do errands, and such anymore, along with having a job, that I'll basically be shunned by my "family". I'm 30 and still live at the house I was raised in due to multiple mental things going on with me and never getting help for them and actively being held back emotionally and mentally from everyone in my life. And now that I'm seen as help, I'm told often "I dOn'T kNoW wHaT i'D dO wItHoUt YoU" when it was just screaming at me as a child. So yeah, when I inevitably don't come around to do chores and cook and such, I'm gonna be seen as a lazy a*****e again instead of just having my own life.
I just wanted to comment, for those family members saying "you're hurting your parents", where were they when OP needed them and his parents were hurting him? Were they there to help support him (not necessarily financially), or silently watching from the sidelines?
Condolences on your upcoming prison sentence, but you should be out in 15 to 20 years
The most telling moment I hear: although this is a 1 sided account, apparently it was a showcase event that got the parents ' attention. We're missing details like what happened at holidays and birthdays, if the OP was ever invited to a routine Sunday dinner. Age difference between OP and siblings? Did siblings try to connect? I wonder what OP's parents' relationship with their parents was like. The guy was just 18. He was still a kid in lots of ways. His parents were the adults. How was the relationship growing up? I feel for the poster.
Your parents did you a favor. Learning to fend for yourself is the goal. Your siblings on the other hand might be there for quite a while if not always.
YTA. Pure and simple. Your parents were trying to teach you independence so that you can make it in this world on your own. They did the right thing with you. Unfortunately they screwed up with your siblings and they all paid the price. Instead of complaining about it and being a victim. Try being a survivor and thanking them for giving you what you really needed. I was the same as you. However I got a job and started paying rent at 17. Moved interstate at 19 with only $500 and had to make my way in the world. What's also important to note here is that We both CHOSE to leave not kicked out. Anyway, I am now stronger than my sibling and have a family of my own. Once my kids start working they will also be paying rent. (which they don't yet know will go back to them when they leave). Also, you said that you were too busy to keep in contact with them. So stop whining and move on. And for goodness sake admit the bill was a mistake. It's so stupid.
My ex and I had the same requirements and we told our two sons and daughter all their lives that when they are 18 they pay rent. Until that time they had chores. My oldest son had his first seasonal job at the age of 11 and it was selling vegetables for a farmer in the spring and summer and Christmas trees in the winter. He often worked weekends between because the money was much more than his allowance by far. My youngest son worked same schedule for an entrepreneur in our church who had an auto mechanic business and also a grass cutting business. He kept my son very busy on the same schedule and the money perks were the same. My daughter worked at Sonic, same schedule and perks. We helped them balance their schedule so they could play and do home things also. But the boys got competing to buy XBox and PlayStation things. They were treated equal The outcome: my sons have had earth shattering success in the military and my daughter the same as an honors Masters of Social Work.
Wow, I hope this shows your girlfriend how petty you can be. Realy holding a grudge against your parents for raising you. Some kids grow up with no parents or even abusive parents that torture their children. Think about kids who grow up in foster care and your upset because your siblings needed a little more help than you. Holding a grudge for that long even going as far as to write up a bill. I would hate to be the woman marrying you. God for bid I did something you didn't like I would end up hearing about it for the rest of my life. You obviously can't let go of things and enjoy what you have. Maybe you parents did do something wrong but it has nothing to do with them not helping you more financially and more to do with your attitude towards life. You should be thanking them for your success. To your girlfriend: get out now, this relationship will only end in divorce.
I agree. And people whose parents tortured them shouldn’t hold a grudge either - other were tortured *and* sexually abused, so people whose parents “only” tortured them should be grateful too. Truth be told, however badly your parents treat you, you are obliged to be boundlessly and unthinkingly grateful.
Load More Replies... The parents should have treated all of their children the same….just like they treated the OP. They gave him money. He learned to take care of himself. All of which gave him the right start in life. He will do better than the spoiled siblings. He’ll be ok no matter what life throws at him.
While I see your bitterness towards your parents I see from both sides there is no handbook to being a parent you try your best or as I say winging it when you become a parent try to learn from their mistakes and don't make the same mistakes because your going to some love them not for the financial or material things they give but for the love they gave
I would've never called, went to visit let alone would've I have even let them know I was getting married. Also how dare your other family members even try to cast judgment on you when your parents put you out into this world and didn't even try to prepare you for and left you on your own. I'm proud of you for buckling down and doing great all on your own. But cut your losses send them pictures or a video of your wedding and live your life cut those toxic people out of your life OP. They did everything thing for your other siblings but tossed you out like trash wow "Great parenting" NTA
I want to say ETA (Either Side the A*****e). The parents did want more from OP but OP didn't need to itemize every little thing his parents didn't do for him that they did for his siblings. I understand where he is coming from... As a youngest child whose two oldest siblings got (and still get) a LOT of physical and financial support from my parents while the two younger siblings weren't even given basic driving lessons let alone many of the other financial helps that my oldest sibs got, I can totally understand the resentment towards the parents and maybe your siblings. But once I got out of my hole and was able to support myself like OP did much earlier because he DID have financial support, instead of feeling grateful for learning to be an adult better than his siblings, he is resentful for not being coddled more. He needs to realize that he actually got the better deal - while his siblings are probably still struggling to succeed, he is independent and can do stuff on his own.
For the record, ESH is the term for that. It means Everyone or Everything Sucks Here. It's one of the voting options on the subreddit. Er, you don't have to correct your post, I'm just letting you know in case you don't know.
Load More Replies... Something smells a bit off here, are we getting the whole truth, or an objective view?
Yes you are hands down the AH here and extremely immature. God bless your wife. She gets it. I feel so badly for your future children who will be held to a future “perfect” standard you don’t hold yourself to. Parents expected you to be independent, gave you money for that purpose and you succeeded. Yes, your siblings may have gotten more but did they learn as much? Did you ever ASK for more help? Did you ever have a discussion? Of course not. It is so much easier being the victim. Congratulations, you just lost your family. Hopefully you won’t screw up your marriage too. Being “right” can be very lonely.
Thank you to the comments! I thought I was crazy for thinking that OP is the AH. I'm currently in college right now on scholarships, paying for everything out of my pocket. I would love it if my parents could spare some money to help me, but the last thing I want is for my parents to have to go into debt to slightly improve my situation, while simultaneously making theirs and my siblings' situation worse. I'm the 2nd oldest out of 8 and the first to go to university, so I hope for my parents to be in a better situation financially by the time my younger siblings are ready to go to college. My parents aren't together, so one of my little sisters is way better off than the rest of my siblings and I am always so happy that she's well-suported and won't struggle like me. Literally all I want for my family is for our lives to get better over time and if I need to be independent to prevent the worst, then I'll gladly accept. I truly hope my parents can afford to support my siblings better
Super entitled! Grow up some more bro, you will understand one day when you start a family and find out how imperfect you are!
Totally the asshol@, my parents made me pay for all my things myself in highschool. I am a self sufficient 36 year single mom thanks to the independence I learned early on. I also have a twin brother who got everything paid for.....I don't hold a grudge. My twin has 4 kids lives in an rv in his brother in laws driveway and works 80+ hours a week scraping by.....I bought my first house 3 years ago, I graduated nursing school I have 3 smart wonderful kids.....am I mad....no I see the bigger picture.
Have you ever asked your parents why they were more generous to your brother than they were to you?
Load More Replies... Who was the one who didn't want to keep contact? In the NTA responses, it's stated that OP's parents didn't want anything to do with him for 16 years, but the YTA responses state that it was OP's fault for not keeping in contact with them over that. If the parents made an attempt to keep in contact, then I can see how it's YTA on his part because they tried to fix their mistakes. However, if they just didn't care, then it's totally favoritism and NTA. We need more information.
The OP needs to grow up. I, too, “sucked hind teat” all my life, left my parents at 17 and never cost them another dime while thy put my three siblings though expensive schools and bought them (used)_ cars when they graduated. So what? they don’t OWE me anything and, better yet, I don’t owe them anything. To compare oneself with one's siblings simply puts one right back to being a child defendant on their parents again.
Do you honestly feel like your family will have your back when they treat you so differently to your siblings. It’s good that you learn these lessons and are self-reliant. But it also means that you might not feel comfortable asking for help. And it’s sad that the help that you could ask for that you probably don’t feel comfortable asking for is from your parents. why are you any different from your siblings? You can be happy with how your life ended up and proud of your accomplishments. But doesn’t it ever bug you wondering why you were different? If your parents apologized and you forgive them and understood why they did what they and fixed your relationship that’s great for you, but if that didn’t happen. Wouldn’t you question why you were different?
Load More Replies... He moved out at 18. Chose school and work. Has done good for himself and actually did survive. I moved out at 17 and never looked back, hell, so did my entire generation. My kids moved out at 18, one chose college and dorm life, one chose Navy for 20 years.and one chose marriage and family, still married. All kids are supposed to move out at 18. Get out on your own, get your own apartment, start paying your own bills. Believe it or not, parents look forward to this day. The last thing we want is the family basement dweller. GET OUT. Mom wants an office, dad wants a study, we want peace and quiet, we’ve earned it! Congrats on your nuptials
Your parents are not responsible for taking care of you after 18. Your lucky you even had a college fund also by you cutting them off they probably didn't want that to happen with your siblings to so now there in debt and what your parents did for you is set you up for success to be independent your parents set your siblings up for failure to not be independent. I always grew up thinking at 18 I'm suppose to be out on my own and if you lived with your parents what is the chance you would even met the person your marrying
Not your parents responsibility to take care of you after the age of 18 .be lucky you even had a college fund also by you having to take care of yourself from 18 on you will most likely be more successful and independent then your siblings your parents are just setting your siblings up for failure
He literally said in the post that they acknowledged they made mistakes. They didn't *just* say get over it. And he said he broke contact because he was busy. The parents didn't. They didn't throw him out. He left. I didn't get any money from my single mother when it came time for college. I worked multiple jobs and had many failures along the way but I still had enough respect and love for my mom to not be bitter towards her. Because of the sacrifices, she made those first 18 years of my life and the sacrifices she had made since.
Did your single mother then make many more sacrifices for your younger siblings, and let your relationship with her fall away to an annual phone conversation? If not, I’m not sure that the comparison is valid.
Load More Replies... It’s not fair to judge when we don’t know the whole story. Why was he kicked out at 18? Was he a violent or bad teen? He hadn’t said. My sister and I were treated differently by our parents because we were very different in our behaviors. She remained bitter and hurt but they had little choice due to her bad behavior. I behaved very differently and they responded differently. Why do we expect our parents to be saints when they are only human? He hasn’t owned up to his own responsibility for how he was treated.
“It’s not fair to judge when we don’t know the whole story.” Agreed. “Doe I’m going to speculate, with zero supporting evidence, that the OP was a violent teenager.” Erm…
Load More Replies... Both sides are a******s. An itemized bill to "pay for forgiveness " is just being petty. My folks didn't pay for a single bit of my college and lied about the money they were saving for me for going. I'm still angry about it but you can't change the past. I just don't talk about it because my parents still fed and clothed me even though they didn't have to. His parents even helped him with college which is more than many parents could afford ! They apparently did a better job with teaching him self reliance than with his spoiled siblings & while it's not fair he made it with what he had. That said, the parents should have reached out to him and he could have reached out to them ,so Both could have done better at communicating. wanting to be involved in the wedding is silly because they haven't really tried to be in contact with each other. He is being petty though with the list. Both parties are acting disgraceful.
I am a mother of 3 whom I love very much. I have to trust that now they are older than 18 It would break my heart and spirit if any one of them was so mad at me for not being able to pay for the college, cars, phone, 300$ for a pair of shoes. I have not been able to offer any of those extras because if I had done any of those things for 1 of my children then the other 2 would have not had power, roof over there head, food, or you know the necessities to survive. im almost certain if I raised someone to be so upset that they were able to take my savings, plus work and go to college.only means I've done a damn good job teaching them how to adult. why are you so mad that you became a great functioning adult. The error is hanging on to this false since of having the right to be angry, it is selfish and disrespectful. How do we even know if your siblings were treated differently, it seems to me that your siblings could be to lazy to be adulting as quick as you chose too,you should thankthem
This is different. Your children know you can't afford and I'm sure you would still be there for your kids emotionally, for moral support, right? OP's parents didn't do that. Nor didn't say they couldn't afford much when kicking him out, only currently bc finances changed.
Load More Replies... You’re an ungrateful prick. My parents never gave me s**t and yours shouldn’t have given your entitled a*s s**t either. I got sent out into the world with nothing at 19. Actually nothing.
I don't know. If you're going no contact, that means no contact. You erase them from your life. While you were most likely entitled to make that jab, by doing it, you admitted to revenge, just by the act. While I don't have anymore backstory from this I must say that not responding and repeating the invitation would have been best.
Low Contact and No Contact are a thing and each one varies person to person. Not a thing we should judge on. It's not our family trauma.
Load More Replies... Yeah you are the a*s hole. Hopefully BP will censor a*s hole after hosting an article titled “Am I the a*s hole?”. Soon, OP’s parents will be dead and after he/she has children of their own they will understand the sacrifices a parent makes, but then it will be too late. Who cares? Op obviously had an axe to grind about entitlement not received. Turning 34 ain’t gonna change that.
The OP appears to be well aware of the sacrifices that his parents were willing to make for his siblings and not for him.
Load More Replies... This is THE typical…”whaaaa”😭😢CRYBABY…NOBODY OWES YOU A THING!!! If you are an “adult” now…then ADULT. This generation has COMPLETELY lost their minds. What you DO and SHOULD DO is HONOR YOUR PATENTS. Period. Life…hold on…isn’t FAIR. NOWHERE does it say…things will be FAIR. Yep. And…’reaping what they sowed” is NOT YOUR call. You don’t decide that for ANYBODY. TO leave your home at 18 is the BEST call your parents made. You LEFT home WITH THEIR money…How DARE you “NO CONTACT” them. Your parents…right or wrong…raised your ungrateful, DISRESPECTFUL self. WHO do you think you are? Your parents should NEVER.be treated like this. UNLESS you were beat and your basic treatment was certified abuse…you OWE your parents respect and HONOR. To decide, on the basis of how your younger siblings were treated, that you have the AUDACITY to even ASK if you’re RIGHT about WHAT YOU GIVE YOUR PARENTS, NOW? Is utter NONSENSE and if ‘we’ are talkin ‘FAIR’… they should “NO CONTACT” YOU. Idiot.
If they consider him an adult, he gets to choose who he keeps in his life. Same with them. If they want absolutely nothing to do with him, they can skip out on his wedding he invited them to, and continue to baby their other adult children at their house.
Load More Replies... Sorry OP, I think you need to think this over. You don't have to forgive them, if you don't want to. Your parents gave you the money they'd saved for your education. You used it wisely. Perhaps they do less for one, than the other siblings, for a reason. Maybe they thought you were the most able one in the family. You had the ambition, and would succeed, and didn't need as much help from them. In other words, they knew you were the only one who was capable of succeeding on your own. You had a good work ethic. So maybe they made many mistakes. Turn it around. Be happy with the man you've become, and take pride in the fact you did it on your own. Calculating and sending them a bill for all the things they did for your siblings, and not for you, just made things worse. If they want a more active role in your wedding, you don't have to let them. You hold the cards. Tell them you'd like to have them at your wedding, but that's where it ends. You've got the details covered.
YTA your parents GAVE YOU MONEY THAT THEY SAVED UP FOR YOUR EDUCATION! I got zero dollars for my education or for anything. I still live at home because I never was able to go out and make a start on my own at all because I was broke. Suck it up you spoiled little entitled prat.
When I was in college I lived at home for a while and payed rent. It was waaay under market rate (~$200), I got free parking, groceries and meals, didn't have to pay for utilities or internet, cable TV (it was awhile ago), no one stole my food or stuff; my mom would even do my laundry! Other then some light chores (nothing that you wouldn't have to do with roommates anyway) it was great. The best part was always knowing I had a safe place to go home to. No matter how stressful school got I could count on my family for support. My family couldn't afford to pay for even a portion of my schooling so I had to take out student aid and work. OPs parent's gave him money for school; that's alot more then some famlies can do. Unless they were demanding he pay above market rate he was getting an excellent deal. They didn't kick him out or deamand he leave; he chose to move out because he made the assumption that his parent's could t continue to support him even when he had a job and they were assisting with tuition. His family might have been in financial trouble even back then with two younger siblings to still send through school. They were clearly forced to over extend themselves by paying for their younger children out right. To be honest the poor relationship he has with his family seems to be his fault. The way he tells it he froze his family out for asking him to begin contributing financially.The parent's over corrected and dug themselves a money pit trying to make sure their younger children wouldn't pull up the iron curtain and go full Cold War on them.
This is exactly correct. It seems others are twisting the facts that op mentioned, to fit their own traumas. In reality, all the information is there and people are choosing to be blind to it
Load More Replies... I HATE these AITA posts, but I have to say, YTA. They gave him the money they had saved up for his education? In what way, then, did they demand he be fully independent? Maybe they learned that spoiling their first couple of kids didn't work out well?
He was the oldest. They gave him some money but then pushed him out, after that they spoiled his younger siblings by not only giving them money too, but full parental support that OP never got. Still OP invited them to his wedding. But that wasn't enough. They demanded that OP pretended nothing happened and behaved as if they'd been caring parents who had been there for him while they weren't. Money isn't a substitute for the emotional stability a loving family can provide. They provided for his siblings in full, gave them a free ride along the money. Gave them their love. But OP only got some money and the boot. How is OP in the wrong for denying them involvement above the invitation after that?
Load More Replies... EAH. Your parents made a mistake and your reaction probably contributed to what they did subsequently (and unfairly) for your siblings. I understand the catharsis of giving them the itemised bill. Truly. And think they deserved it. But hanging up on them when they said they can’t afford to due to continued debt, is a bit AH, esp as they at least acknowledged they made a mistake. I’m not sure you will be willing and/or able to repair the relationship but be grateful for the acknowledgment. Some don’t even do that much. (My mum for one.) If you want them present, fine. But you, nor they, should use it as opportunity. Tell them it’s not up for discussion during the wedding and not til after honeymoon but, consider that they did acknowledge it and maybe explore around it some. My mum died before I got that chance. After using me for her last year to be her cancer and chemo advocate due to my job. Think hard.
The people who said YTA don’t understand childhood. Why would you accept the fact that the parents showered things on the other 2 kids for years, but kicking you out the minute you come of age? Totally unfair. The parents deserved their debt in my opinion, seeing as it was their fault they loved the other 2 kids much more than OP.
1. Absolutely hilarious and a delicious end to a sad tale. 2. Yes he's the a-hole, but OH so justified. I can freely confess I would not have the spine to pull this. Absolute LEGEND.
People are commenting and forgetting that this is not OP's fault. This was something he was forced in to doing, and now they're shocked he did as they told him?? My own mother kicked me out at 17 (when I started uni) and I had to move back home at various times due to poor health, and every single moment of that time she made it very clear that she wanted me gone, and hated me being there "because you're an adult". I ended up moving to another city with work, and have since moved back, but have banned her from visiting my flat because every time she was there she would criticise every about my home, food, clothes, etc and I got sick of it. I barely talk to her (as little as I possibly can) and now she acts all angry because I don't. I reacted to how I was treated, because when I tried to seek support and comfort I was rejected. There comes a time when you realise you can only survive by putting yourself and your own happiness first, and I am astounded she thinks she's blameless. NTA
They want to be involved in the wedding? LMAO More likely they are ashamed the relatives are asking them things and they have no idea what's going on. NTA. No apology detected.
Op, I wouldn't have even bothered inviting them. You made yourself a good life on your own so just enjoy it. Leave all the emotional baggage in the past
I can't even with this. My brother-in-law is a single dad to a daughter who is now 19, and his daughter's mother only ever paid child support for 2 years when she was in high school (BIL has had custody since daughter was 2, so that's about 13 years where he paid for everything himself). And even now that she's an adult with a job, she still lives at home (in as much as a young working adult with a boyfriend is ever home, anyway) and doesn't pay him rent. The reasoning was, well, the room is there anyway. Hell, when I myself was 19, I remember my dad being like, you know you could move back in any time if you wanted to (he was absolutely not prepared to be an empty-nester). I was so confused, since I was basically living with my then-boyfriend (now-husband) in his house that he owned, but now that I'm a parent I definitely understand. My TL;DR - don't have a bunch of kids if you can't be bothered to provide even emotional support through the hardest transition period of their life.
This is ridiculous. I hope your finances takes head to your childish behavior. Please seek therapy before bring children into this world, especially if you haven't done either. Your behavior is a clear example of the mistakes they have made as parents.
I think he’s completely in the right, but if he had a good relationship with them before he turned 18, he may want to think about reconciling with them now he’s an adult. In a way he has made the first step - he invited them to his wedding. If the parents want to mend the relationship they should go and be nice and start thawing the ice. He does note that they had saved money for him for his education, so it’s not as though they completely abandoned him, even though what they did was harsh and he did well to stick with his education anyway. I can see factors on both sides. I hope he ultimately chooses to do what makes him happiest, whatever he decides in the long run. As an oldest child myself who experienced a distinctly lesser version of this, I also didn’t have much of a relationship with my parents in my 20s, but have since become good friends with them and I’m glad of it. There comes a point when you realise they’re just human beings doing the best they can, and mine did mean well
That's life. It happens. Get over it. Why did anyone bother to write that down?
I understand where the OP is coming from but just be glad that your parents gave you money for your education coz others are not given a penny at all. Because of what your parents did, you become more resilient and responsible for yourself. Now talking about your parents, they are not the best parents out there and demanding more from you is an insult. If they want to come to your wedding, then great! If not, then so be it. Since you grew up away from them and able to stand up on your own, then what you need to focus on is your own happiness with your soon to be wife. Like you said, a call from here and there is good enough. Maybe things will be better in time but you are not force to rekindle with them. At the end of the day, it’s really up to you how you feel about your parents and your siblings. What will makes you happy and have inner peace is what’s most important for your right now.
So I hope he is ready to receive the same harshness of judgement if he screws up with his own kids. Reading between the lines, the parents had to ration to be able to support all of their kids, couldn't do so equally and handled their firstborn really badly. The 16 year grudge is not healthy and he would feel better if he could move past it.
Nooooooooooooooooo. Parents that mess up earlier try to make it better later, in whatever way they can. These Parents did not and demanded even more from him (wanted to be part of the wedding instead of just invited, THAT'S entitlement).
Load More Replies... Most definitely NTA. Wtf kind of parents are they? Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! I wish you and your fiance all the best!
The kind that didn't kick him out penniless and gave him money for college. Rent is the least to ask of an 18 year old with a job and partially paid for tuition. Not everyone's family can afford to give their kids even that.
Load More Replies... This is why people should need a license to fukim breed, so much abuse neglect favoritism so much horror and what has been done? More unwanted babies in poverty, parents are worthless if they can't financially support them thru out their school tuition etc,..
Entitled, jealous, vindictive, resentful, petty. No one owes/owed him anything after he turned 18. But they still gave him money. And he doesn't appreciate it, he compares it to the perception that his sibling got more than he did and complains that he didn't get enough. But in the post he said that what they got was the ability to live at home. He had that and chose to move out. He also chose to keep them at a distance because "he was busy". Sounds like a supportive family, but he wants to be the victim where there is no victim.
Be thankful they gave you the money they saved you thankless a*****e. Some kids don't even get that.
The point of comparison isn’t “What do other kids get?” It’s “What did my siblings get?” If I threw human excrement at your home, it’s unlikely that a court would side with me after I explained that I threw my rocks at other people’s home which were covered in human excrement. It even more unlikely that the court would call you a “thankless arsehole” for the lack of rocks inside the excrement.
Load More Replies... Parents should be happy. One less rugrat to deal with. I wonder how far the son would have made it without his "parents money" and the independence and freedom they bestowed upon him. What a loser.
the only I like to add while I understood your hurt remember they will not be with you forever.Do you really want that paper be the last thing they see.You will probably make mistakes when you become a parent.Different mistakes of course.Please forgive them.But then let them know I love you but I am very independent and don't need help with my wedding planes.I love for you to come to my wedding and meet my future wife.
Don't guilt people please. I have trauma from seeing one of mine die and even I don't say this (what you said) to others, unless I know for sure they're on good terms and even then I don't invalidate and more encourage ILYs to be said if they feel up to. Why? Because sometimes families suck. Sometimes they're abusive or toxic. Sometimes its worth it to be NC. OP should only forgive for themselves, when they feel ready to. Not because death will one day be a thing. That will come at any time, it is the only uncertainty we have that is a certainty in life. If your family is not toxic or you regret not speaking to them bc a passing happened then that is your right. But OP is not you. Neither is their family.
Load More Replies... This sounds so UNGRATEFUL. Look around you. Like they worked and saved up for college. I applaud them for that some. Just think how them giving you money for college HELPED YOU LIFE. Just think how you would have been without that START in life. And these comments are ridiculous!!! Send them a bill ? Unbelievable?!! They should send you a bill for the same for the 18 years they provided for you. Be GRATEFUL for what you had. They provided for you. There was no abuse in the home or drugs. You ate food went to school the doctors had a stable roof over your head. Some children have none of that. You grew up in a two family home. All those things are blessings. Living in the world we live in now. There are horrible parents who don’t do anything for the children. Shame on you for being UNGRATEFUL! Parents are living check to check and can’t afford to send children to COLLEGE. GROW UP AND BE A MAN.
You are 100% correct! These other people commenting are unbelievably entitled.. it’s bizarre and pathetic. No one is owed anything in this life, be grateful you have a mind: to think!
Load More Replies... Beautifully argued, Sally. An expansive, thoughtful post, which explains your rationale in full. I feel enriched.
Load More Replies... “I'm sure your siblings were given similar choices”. You make a very good point. Obviously, it’s possible that you’re making this up, that you have no evidence for it, and that your entire post therefore falls apart. But if you could provide any evidence for the siblings being given similar choices, I’d love to hear it.
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