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Parents Demand 18-Year-Old Son Start Acting Like An Adult, He Goes No-Contact And Offers To Sell Parents His Forgiveness 16 Years Later
What do our parents owe us, and what do children owe their parents? These questions are at the core of one user’s story on the AITA subreddit.
Not every family can provide for its children in the same way, and most of us understand that. What most people have come to expect, however, is that they and their siblings are treated as equals when it comes to receiving financial, emotional, and other types of support from their parents.
In the following story, however, that’s not what happened. Read on to see why the author of the Reddit post felt that he’d been treated unfairly and how he responded. Then, we’ll see whether Reddit thinks he went too far.
RELATED:
This man doesn’t think he owes his parents his time because they cut him off but spoiled his siblings
Image credits: Christian Dubovan (not the actual image)
He told his story to hear whether he was right to ask his parents to pay for his forgiveness
Image credits: micheile henderson (not the actual image)
Image credits: Kampus Production (not the actual image)
Image credits: Professional_Rub4448
Some questioned his actions, but many thought he was in the right for standing up to his parents
The bonds between children and parents are deep and complex, and they change as they both grow older. In most cultures around the world, people understand that children and parents can owe one another a great deal, but the nature of that relationship is for each and every one of us to decide.
So when this man was cut off to fend for himself at 18 while his younger siblings enjoyed total financial support, most commenters agreed that he had the right to feel resentment. He had, for better or worse, been forced to struggle while his siblings enjoyed relative luxury.
Parental favoritism like this can lead to psychological issues for offspring who feel like they’ve been unfairly treated. A study performed by researchers in Hong Kong and California indicated the following: “Adolescents who believe that their parents treat them differently from their siblings have poorer psychosocial well-being than otherwise. This phenomenon, which is known as parental differential treatment or PDT, occurs in up to 65% of families.”
For most, the question of whether the post author was wrong came down to whether or not his response was appropriate
Comments defending the author’s parents generally also acknowledged that he had been treated unfairly. However, those commenters also emphasized the importance of the cause for the author’s unfair treatment. According to him, his parents claimed that their unequal treatment had been because his parents realized their mistake and tried to compensate for it with his siblings. This did little to solve his resentment, however.
What’s important is that wherever your opinion falls, this was a difficult situation for everyone involved. The author’s parents wanted to correct their mistakes and reconnect with their child, while the post’s author wanted some sort of acknowledgement of the difficulties his parents had put him through. We’d love to hear your take in the comments – do you think the author was right or wrong to act the way he did?
Some commenters weren’t sure that “selling his forgiveness” was the right thing to call it
Most agreed that the OP was not in the wrong here
Others could see the parents’ side, thinking they had acted unfairly because they sought to correct their mistakes
What do you think ?
Sonja 2 years ago
What people ignore here is that OP was civil at first and invited them to the wedding. But his entitled parents demanded that he treated them to more. They wanted to be part of the wedding and being allowed to be involved after they've chosen to not be involved all those years in between. That's why OP is NTA. Hi parents demanded rent. They demanded he gets through school all on his own. Yes they gave him some money but they refused to give him emotional support. Then they turned around and gave his YOUNGER siblings money, let them live there rent free AND supported them. They didn't bother too keep contact in between, they didn't bother to give emotional support. But now, without any mention of them ever trying to mend bridges, they demand that OP behaves as if all of that never happened and let them play supportive parents. They're delusional. They should have just accepted the invitation and come to the wedding. OP had thrown them and olive branch, but they demanded the whole tree
The Last Silent Tiger 2 years ago
The one YTA reply: "Sounds like you started treating them like landlords..." Um actually, the Parents are the ones who wanted to be treated like landlords. OP was maliciously complying.
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Karl 2 years ago
This resonates with me. I wasn’t the best academically while both my siblings found school pretty easy so when I got less than impressive exam results I was told that I should get a job. The only job I could get was low-paid catering work and I gave half my weekly wage to my mother. I went to night class and re-sat my exams getting good enough grades to go to Uni. I moved out, studied and worked throughout my time there - almost trying to compensate for my earlier failure in their eyes. My academically gifted siblings both got good degrees but still lived at home, rent free being financially supported by my parents. This still goes on today and, while I’ve been fully independent for decades, I do occasionally feel a twinge of resentment that the same expectations were not asked of them. Phone calls aside I haven’t seen any of them for years. Perhaps that’s for the best.
María Hermida 2 years ago
To be honest, you have to do what's best for you. If they were not supportive when you needed them, there's no reason to try to keep a relationship with people who don't care about you. Anybody can have children, but not everybody can be a good parent.
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María Hermida 2 years ago
What people don't seem to understand is that nobody is obliged to forgive you. Even if you apologise. This looks like a toxic relationship, but the parents can't expect to be involved in their son's life because they feel like it, after 16 years of virtually no contact. They may have had their reasons, but they sound like real a******s.
MezzoPiano 2 years ago
While it is true that nobody is obligated to forgive, holding on to a grudge is incredibly destructive for the person holding the grudge. I would hope that people who cannot forgive out of love or care for the other person can do it out of love and care for themselves.
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CatLady 2 years ago
The people who are saying "he worked and turned out fine" don't understand poverty trauma. It causes long-term psychological damage to be constantly fearful about if you're going to get the next bill paid. Working yourself into exhaustion whilst going to school can also cause psychological damage, because you don't get the down time your mind and body require to rest and restore. As much as A**l Musk insists on a billionaire mindset, very few people can go for 18 hours a day every day. We aren't built for it. OP knows his parents could have made things easier for him (like letting him live at home for free) but they chose not to. That's a Boomer attitude of "I suffered, so you should too." It's the worst thing parents can do to their kids. Most people can't just let go of that kind of hurt. Good on him for getting a scholarship, moving away, and building a life, but I see entirely why he doesn't want his family to be much a part of it.
Beachbum 2 years ago
He wasn’t in poverty. His parents gave him money and he didn’t ask for help. You know, living frugally is not poverty.
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bruce wayne's girlfriend 2 years ago
wtaf is wrong with people calling him an ah???? NTA all the way. He has every right to do what he did.
Skylar Jaxx 2 years ago
NW his parents were f****d up. They charged him rent giving his a more financial headache while trying to make us future better. I'm sure his parents paid for the siblings education as well as housing. Meaning he got to hear about them coasting by while he was struggling. Surprised they were invited to the wedding at all.
Julie Cagnina 2 years ago
Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think this is a golden child scenario... op wasn't kicked out, he left because he was offended when his parents charged him rent. After he left he went minimal contact and apparently held a decades long grudge. If I had to see it from the parents perspective, a lesson on responsibility before their first born went to school went horribly wrong. They essentially lost their kid over something petty and stupid. They didn't do it with the other kids because they were afraid the same thing would happen again. (Probably overcompensated too, since now they're struggling) Its a very common tactic in certain circles to charge your kids rent when they're out of highschool, hold onto the money, and present it to the kid on the first day of uni or moving out as a reward. Some parent sprinkle some extra cash in there as well. I don't know if that was their intention, but if it was, could you imagine loosing your kid over it?
Ron Baza 2 years ago
“They essentially lost their kid over something petty and stupid. They didn't do it with the other kids because they were afraid the same thing would happen again. They also chose to let their eldest child go virtually NC because although they realised they’d done something petty and stupid, they would rather lose the love of their firstborn child than admit that they were wrong.” I mean, it’s an argument of sorts, I suppose.
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Kimberly Wiltshire 2 years ago
There is a very common family structure where one child is grossly unfavored by the parents, where as the other or others are clearly the golden child/children. Sounds like there is more to this that has gone on over the years. So probably NTA as some of you suggest. Coming from a very toxic family I know exactly how.these conversations go down. It's never just a simole sorry, always a but involved.
Frances M 2 years ago
I’m highly confused. First child - here’s money towards college and please start paying rent as you’re 18 and you had to move out because you went to college in a different city anyway. Later siblings - here’s money towards college and we don’t know what the talks about rent were or how old they were when they started college. 18 in May vs 18 in September may have impacted, also the amount of money needed to pay for the college courses themselves for each kid. It may be that the money given to each child is the same overall, and we have no way of knowing from the information given to us.
Susie Evans 2 years ago
You are so right Frances. All we know is the OP's narrative, what he personally chose to share with us. For all we know his parents might not have spent any more on his younger siblings education then they did on his. And while they chose to live at home he opted to attend University in some distant location and chose to have very limited contact with his parents. He also talks about both sides of his mouth. Out of the one side he says that he doesn't want their money. Out of the other side he suggests to us that his forgiveness is for sale with his admission that he sent them an itemized list of how much it would cost them. This was done against his fiancee's advice, BTW. I'll bet the wedding invitation to his parents was more her idea than his. I might be having second thoughts about marrying him if I were her.
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Jael Patterson 2 years ago
I'm very confused by this post. OP says he was expected to be independent but then says his parents gave him a significant sum of money they had saved for him. We don't have any idea of what his rent had cost at that time or what the actual arrangements the parents had with the younger siblings. The family estrangement seems rooted in something else not mentioned in this post. The fact he would send his parents an itemized list of bills seems unhinged.
MezzoPiano 2 years ago
There is a whole lot of info missing from this story, which makes it really difficult to parse out what's actually going on here.
Load More Replies... Sonja 2 years ago
What people ignore here is that OP was civil at first and invited them to the wedding. But his entitled parents demanded that he treated them to more. They wanted to be part of the wedding and being allowed to be involved after they've chosen to not be involved all those years in between. That's why OP is NTA. Hi parents demanded rent. They demanded he gets through school all on his own. Yes they gave him some money but they refused to give him emotional support. Then they turned around and gave his YOUNGER siblings money, let them live there rent free AND supported them. They didn't bother too keep contact in between, they didn't bother to give emotional support. But now, without any mention of them ever trying to mend bridges, they demand that OP behaves as if all of that never happened and let them play supportive parents. They're delusional. They should have just accepted the invitation and come to the wedding. OP had thrown them and olive branch, but they demanded the whole tree
The Last Silent Tiger 2 years ago
The one YTA reply: "Sounds like you started treating them like landlords..." Um actually, the Parents are the ones who wanted to be treated like landlords. OP was maliciously complying.
Load More Replies... Karl 2 years ago
This resonates with me. I wasn’t the best academically while both my siblings found school pretty easy so when I got less than impressive exam results I was told that I should get a job. The only job I could get was low-paid catering work and I gave half my weekly wage to my mother. I went to night class and re-sat my exams getting good enough grades to go to Uni. I moved out, studied and worked throughout my time there - almost trying to compensate for my earlier failure in their eyes. My academically gifted siblings both got good degrees but still lived at home, rent free being financially supported by my parents. This still goes on today and, while I’ve been fully independent for decades, I do occasionally feel a twinge of resentment that the same expectations were not asked of them. Phone calls aside I haven’t seen any of them for years. Perhaps that’s for the best.
María Hermida 2 years ago
To be honest, you have to do what's best for you. If they were not supportive when you needed them, there's no reason to try to keep a relationship with people who don't care about you. Anybody can have children, but not everybody can be a good parent.
Load More Replies... María Hermida 2 years ago
What people don't seem to understand is that nobody is obliged to forgive you. Even if you apologise. This looks like a toxic relationship, but the parents can't expect to be involved in their son's life because they feel like it, after 16 years of virtually no contact. They may have had their reasons, but they sound like real a******s.
MezzoPiano 2 years ago
While it is true that nobody is obligated to forgive, holding on to a grudge is incredibly destructive for the person holding the grudge. I would hope that people who cannot forgive out of love or care for the other person can do it out of love and care for themselves.
Load More Replies... CatLady 2 years ago
The people who are saying "he worked and turned out fine" don't understand poverty trauma. It causes long-term psychological damage to be constantly fearful about if you're going to get the next bill paid. Working yourself into exhaustion whilst going to school can also cause psychological damage, because you don't get the down time your mind and body require to rest and restore. As much as A**l Musk insists on a billionaire mindset, very few people can go for 18 hours a day every day. We aren't built for it. OP knows his parents could have made things easier for him (like letting him live at home for free) but they chose not to. That's a Boomer attitude of "I suffered, so you should too." It's the worst thing parents can do to their kids. Most people can't just let go of that kind of hurt. Good on him for getting a scholarship, moving away, and building a life, but I see entirely why he doesn't want his family to be much a part of it.
Beachbum 2 years ago
He wasn’t in poverty. His parents gave him money and he didn’t ask for help. You know, living frugally is not poverty.
Load More Replies... bruce wayne's girlfriend 2 years ago
wtaf is wrong with people calling him an ah???? NTA all the way. He has every right to do what he did.
Skylar Jaxx 2 years ago
NW his parents were f****d up. They charged him rent giving his a more financial headache while trying to make us future better. I'm sure his parents paid for the siblings education as well as housing. Meaning he got to hear about them coasting by while he was struggling. Surprised they were invited to the wedding at all.
Julie Cagnina 2 years ago
Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think this is a golden child scenario... op wasn't kicked out, he left because he was offended when his parents charged him rent. After he left he went minimal contact and apparently held a decades long grudge. If I had to see it from the parents perspective, a lesson on responsibility before their first born went to school went horribly wrong. They essentially lost their kid over something petty and stupid. They didn't do it with the other kids because they were afraid the same thing would happen again. (Probably overcompensated too, since now they're struggling) Its a very common tactic in certain circles to charge your kids rent when they're out of highschool, hold onto the money, and present it to the kid on the first day of uni or moving out as a reward. Some parent sprinkle some extra cash in there as well. I don't know if that was their intention, but if it was, could you imagine loosing your kid over it?
Ron Baza 2 years ago
“They essentially lost their kid over something petty and stupid. They didn't do it with the other kids because they were afraid the same thing would happen again. They also chose to let their eldest child go virtually NC because although they realised they’d done something petty and stupid, they would rather lose the love of their firstborn child than admit that they were wrong.” I mean, it’s an argument of sorts, I suppose.
Load More Replies... Kimberly Wiltshire 2 years ago
There is a very common family structure where one child is grossly unfavored by the parents, where as the other or others are clearly the golden child/children. Sounds like there is more to this that has gone on over the years. So probably NTA as some of you suggest. Coming from a very toxic family I know exactly how.these conversations go down. It's never just a simole sorry, always a but involved.
Frances M 2 years ago
I’m highly confused. First child - here’s money towards college and please start paying rent as you’re 18 and you had to move out because you went to college in a different city anyway. Later siblings - here’s money towards college and we don’t know what the talks about rent were or how old they were when they started college. 18 in May vs 18 in September may have impacted, also the amount of money needed to pay for the college courses themselves for each kid. It may be that the money given to each child is the same overall, and we have no way of knowing from the information given to us.
Susie Evans 2 years ago
You are so right Frances. All we know is the OP's narrative, what he personally chose to share with us. For all we know his parents might not have spent any more on his younger siblings education then they did on his. And while they chose to live at home he opted to attend University in some distant location and chose to have very limited contact with his parents. He also talks about both sides of his mouth. Out of the one side he says that he doesn't want their money. Out of the other side he suggests to us that his forgiveness is for sale with his admission that he sent them an itemized list of how much it would cost them. This was done against his fiancee's advice, BTW. I'll bet the wedding invitation to his parents was more her idea than his. I might be having second thoughts about marrying him if I were her.
Load More Replies... Jael Patterson 2 years ago
I'm very confused by this post. OP says he was expected to be independent but then says his parents gave him a significant sum of money they had saved for him. We don't have any idea of what his rent had cost at that time or what the actual arrangements the parents had with the younger siblings. The family estrangement seems rooted in something else not mentioned in this post. The fact he would send his parents an itemized list of bills seems unhinged.
MezzoPiano 2 years ago
There is a whole lot of info missing from this story, which makes it really difficult to parse out what's actually going on here.
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