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Toxic Relationships That Could Have Been Avoided Had People Not Ignored These 30 Red Flags
Interview With Expert
It’s easy to have rose-colored glasses on at the start of a new relationship. You may be optimistic about the possibility of falling in love, and everything your new partner does probably seems charming at first. He always opens the door for me! Or she always surprises me with a sweet treat when I come over! But it’s important to notice the not-so-great aspects of your relationship as well, or you might find yourself filled with regret in the future.
Redditors have recently been discussing red flags that they wish they hadn’t ignored in previous, toxic relationships, so we’ve gathered some of their thoughts below. Keep reading to also find a conversation with Relationship Therapist and Life Coach Nia Williams, and be sure to upvote the replies that resonate with you!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
She never was wrong, nor did she apologize. She would say that I was yelling (when I wasn’t). She would say I had said hurtful things and that I “don’t even realize what I’m saying”.
I ended up seeing a psychiatrist at her suggestion and was put on medication for 7 years (still together with her). I then was hospitalized on psychiatric hold when I mentioned to my psychiatrist that I felt like ending it all because clearly I was hurting someone I loved emotionally and never realized it.
When I got out, someone mentioned I was being gaslit.
We broke up 7 years ago and I am no longer on medication and in a happy relationship with a beautiful son.
I feel like a fool for not realizing that she was doing that.
Sharing this is an embarrassment, I might end up deleting it. I’m just keeping it here in hopes that it might help someone.
Edit: *I always thought I was alone until today. I am overwhelmed. Thank you for all the kind words and I do have quite a few DMs to respond to, so please bear with me. If my experience sounds familiar, please seek support from someone outside of your relationship and unbiased to your situation. You’re not crazy and it’s not always your fault.*.
Chintan Shah 1 year ago
This was me in my marriage. It took me 5 years to figure it out. But when I left, I never looked back. I realized leaving her was the absolute best possible thing for my life. I don't know you, but if you're reading this and this makes you feel a certain type of way, please talk to a therapist. Attend couples therapy to try to communicate with your partner. If your partner cares about you as much as you care about them, they will willingly listen to your concerns and want to find a path out of this. If they are not willing to engage.. just know that there are definitely people out there who care for you and love you. You're not the problem.
RELATED:
#2
Me. I was the first red flag. I was a terrible person who took a wonderful woman and f*****g ruined her. Her personality was wonderful and driven. And I made her nearly codependent on me. And the cycle reversed back to me. I needed mental health and she was so dependent on me that I had no help for my needs.
I ruined her, which almost k*lled me. We divorced and are both much happier, healthier, and friendlier. She has regained most of what I ruined.
And i became humbled and less of a trash bag of a person.
Broadredpanda 1 year ago
10 out of 10 for admitting this, and turn it around to become a better person!
#3
Negative negative negative. There was not one positive comment when he came home most days. It was everyone else’s fault but him. Edit: I left him two weeks ago. Air mattress but me and the kitties are safe.
To learn more about the red flags that we shouldn't be ignoring, we got in touch with Relationship Therapist and Life Coach Nia Williams from Miss Date Doctor. Nia was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and discuss how we can determine whether something is really a red flag or if it's harmless.
"Red flags are behaviors, attitudes, or habits that may signal larger problems down the road and signify if you date this person you are heading for big trouble. Research at Miss Date Doctor suggests that red flags, if unaddressed, can compromise long-term relationship satisfaction. However, not all red flags are absolute deal-breakers," Nia noted.
#4
When I realised how excited I was for the days when he was at work, and I was at home. Only happened a few times a week. But I should have realised the change in my energy and mood the moment I heard the car pull up.
#5
Critiquing my proudest achievements or appearance. Then instantly love-bombing me the day afterwards.
The contrast you get from feeling so low to feeling so high feels INCREDIBLE, and that's what makes this type of situation dangerous.
Edit: I'm happy to see that this comment is picking up steam, and that it might either serve as a warning to those in the dating scene or a call to action to leave such a relationship if there's no signs of hope.
#6
Sentences starting with “I let you”. F****n run if you hear that ever.
Uncommon Sense 1 year ago
Slight caveat: "I'll let you cook kippers provided I am away from the house for a week and fully fumigate it by the time I get back." I don't think that's unreasonable.
"To assess if a red flag is serious, consider the following points: patterns versus isolated incidents," Nia says. "A pattern of negative behavior (e.g., frequent dishonesty or a lack of respect) is often more concerning than one-time incidents, as it’s predictive of future conflicts. A University of Denver study found that partners who frequently ignored or dismissed each other's feelings were more likely to experience long-term issues."
It's also important to consider intention and growth. "Sometimes, a 'red flag' may stem from a personality trait rather than ill intent. For example, a partner might struggle with expressing emotions because they grew up in an emotionally restrictive environment," the therapist explained. "If they show a willingness to work on these issues, this red flag may not be fatal to the relationship."
#7
The first punch to the face. Thought it was normal for girls to do that when upset. Only took me 8 years to understand it wasn't ok.
#8
He was an influencer and posted a video montage of our camping trip that didn't show any evidence that I was there, it looked like he'd gone camping alone. I had planned the whole thing, driven the whole time, and prepared all the food.
#9
Not being able to figure out what I did to make him mad. It was unavoidable.
Nia also noted that there are different types of red flags to consider. "Not all red flags are the same. Common ones that tend not to ruin a relationship include introversion/extroversion differences, taste in hobbies, or even mild jealousy (as long as it doesn’t escalate into controlling behavior). These differences can be healthy when both partners communicate and compromise."
"However, certain red flags, such as lack of empathy, chronic dishonesty, or manipulation, are highly correlated with toxic relationships," the expert says. "The Gottman Institute’s research indicates that 'contempt' is the number one predictor of divorce, making disrespect and cruelty major red flags."
#10
The constant ‘jokes’ that were actually just hurtful comments disguised as humor. Brushing them off early on set the tone for disrespect to be normalized.
#11
How they talk about the people in their life. Avoid people who blame others for their life. If you don't, you're going to be the next one in the receiving end of that blame.
Jenna Kay 1 year ago (edited)
My MIL was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder a year ago, at the retirement home, where she is an 86 year old abusive tyrant. The things she has said over the years about everyone she knows are just ... even her grandchildren are a disappointment to her. Everyone EXCEPT my daughter, the one person she loves, and the one person she isn't actually related to, as my daughter is her step-grandchild.
#12
He strangled me, quickly, out of the blue for smiling at my phone. I had been texting another female coworker, who he knew I considered a friend at the time. I wish I had ran then.
Wonderful 1 year ago
I dated a guy for 2 weeks and one night he grabbed me by the neck and pushed me into the wall while he stood over me. I could tell that he liked that he scared me. Once I got home that night I called him and broke up with him. I was scared to do it in person. Best decision ever.
So what should you do if you notice a red flag in your partner? "Addressing a red flag is often better than ignoring it, as early, open communication allows both partners to assess their compatibility and willingness to work on issues," Nia shared.
"Here are some recommended steps: Start with empathy and curiosity. Approach the conversation with a genuine curiosity to understand their behavior, rather than with accusations," the therapist says. "This can reveal whether the red flag is a result of deeper, workable issues. A study from the American Psychological Association found that couples who engaged in calm, empathetic communication reported greater satisfaction and fewer long-term conflicts."
#13
If your significant other wants to limit your interactions with ANYONE OR ANYTHING, run. Please. Run away from that.
Your partner should want to experience life WITH you, which includes experiencing HOW you live and interact with everything. You have your own life, and it has to involve more than only one other person.
#14
Making changes to myself to suit my partner's wants and moods without any regard to whether they were positively or negatively impacting my life.
"Disembodied voice" 1 year ago
I can definitely understand that, I didn't like who I was around my ex.
#15
First red flag was on our fourth date. We met up with some friends of mine and had a few drinks while we chatted. During this time, my car had gotten towed (I drove). I didn’t live more than a mile and change away, and on the walk home he completely tore into me verbally about what gross s**ts my friend and I both were for being sexually active before either of us were 18 (this was a very brief topic of conversation, I do not remember why). He berated me until we got back to my place and I, a young 20 something, had enough and burst into tears. He didn’t have a car at the time and I didn’t have enough money or the means to get my car back from the tow, so I also didn’t have enough for him to uber home.
So once I was in tears, it was like a switch flipped and he instantly went to comfort me like he wasn’t the reason I was so upset. It was the start of many years of emotional abuse and I wish I had ended things between us that night and saved so much psychological turmoil.
Nia also recommends observing your partner's reaction. "How a partner responds to being confronted with their red flag is very telling," she shared. "If they show accountability and a willingness to understand your perspective, it indicates a growth mindset. On the other hand, dismissiveness, defensiveness, or gaslighting (attempting to make you feel like your concerns are invalid) are significant red flags themselves."
#16
She was always angry with me about something. Some way that she felt mistreated, unseen, etc. It was so consistent that I realized it had nothing to do with me. She just needed someone to be the target of her anger, and I wasn't interested in being that someone. We were young. Hope she's doing better now.
#17
I was 17 and he was 35, i was so thrilled to be seen as “more mature for my age” which is something you should beware of if it comes from someone older than you who’s not your family, now that i think about it. he gaslit me into thinking i was in a relationship with him but that he wasn’t in a relationship with me. this was obviously just a way to have intercourse with other women (but a stupid teenager i didn’t even think he would do something like that). then he started asking me to watch me having intercourse with other men and occasionally take videos of that. that was my first “relationship” so i thought this was normal. had go through therapy and everything else.
Nanny to 3 rescue Greyhounds 1 year ago
I was 15 and he was 35. I was in an abusive foster home. Never loved never had birthday or Xmas presents. Clothes were from people giving them us or second hand stalls. SA from lodger when I was 6yrs old. I am talking late 70s to 80s. He knew and over time he made me think he was the only person who loved me. I had cuddles from him I had never had. I had attention which I never had. He told me wonderful things about how beautiful etc I was. He was the only person who would take care of me. I used to go to his house and he would do what grown men do to women. When I was 16 I ran away from the abuse and moved in with him. No cared. Then it all changed, he wouldn't let me go out on my own, he said it was dangerous. I had to wear the series clothes when I did so he could brag to his mates. I was groomed to be the piece of meat to be shared between him and his friend. No one cared no one came to rescue me. He would lock me in the house when he worked. 59 yrs old and dama
#18
He was completely unable to stop his ex wife from triangulating herself into our relationship every opportunity she had under the guise of “best friend” and “an abundance of love”.
I’m talking like, trying to have a nice group dinner at the 2 month mark and she suddenly demands we talk about engagement rings and whether or not we’re aligned on having kids.
Lots of weird and invasive trespassing, repeated provocation and baiting behaviors, minimization, gaslighting, etc. He enabled it all by taking a passive backseat to it all and only gave placating words with no actions.
Of course, it got waaaaaay worse and eventually I understood there was a horrible codependent dynamic between the two of them and lots of crazy making behaviors that brought about the worst chapter of my whole adult life.
I made the mistake of reacting with grace and compassion, but I should have run at the 1st WTF moment. I needed to turn that compassion to myself first and foremost. Lesson learned.
Next, the expert says it's important to assess your own limits. "Some red flags may be personally intolerable for one person but manageable for another. If the issue crosses a non-negotiable boundary (like values around honesty or respect), it might be better to end the relationship early rather than investing emotional energy into trying to change your partner," Nia shared.
#19
When I told her "Sometimes it seems like you don't care about how I feel, you just want what you want" and she started crying and yelling instead of taking about things. .
#20
"All my exes are narcissists," she said to me early on...
Felt like that was perhaps bad luck for her? Turns out it was most likely her being the narcissist in her past relationships, based on what I experienced. Taught me what to look out for and avoid, so wasn't a complete all for nothing situation.
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 year ago
I think sometimes we have to experience something bad to learn a specific lesson. If we learn from it, then we can grow and mature. If we don't, we will continue to make the same mistakes
But if you've been in a situation like this before, you can use your experience to help form healthier relationships in the future. "Getting out of a toxic relationship often offers valuable insights into which red flags to be vigilant about," Nia says.
"Here are strategies to increase awareness and avoid repeating unhealthy patterns: Reflect on past relationships. Identify specific behaviors in past partners that led to distress or toxicity," the therapist shared. "This could be lack of respect, emotional manipulation, or any other red flags that compromised your well-being. Many people who leave toxic relationships benefit from writing down and analyzing these red flags to stay mindful of them in future connections."
#22
Aggressive or emphatic reactions to truly benign things. If you notice they can’t keep their cool for absolute non-problems, real problems will have them blowing their gaskets.
#24
He held me by the neck against the bar and screamed in my ear because I waved hello to a male coworker from across the restaurant
Nia also recommends focusing on green flags in future relationships. "A healthy relationship involves mutual respect, trust, open communication, and empathy. Look for a partner who demonstrates accountability, actively listens, and respects your individuality. Positive psychology research shows that partners with these traits have stronger, more resilient relationships."
And always remember to trust your gut. "Research shows that people are often aware of red flags early in a relationship but may dismiss or rationalize them. Studies on the 'halo effect' demonstrate that we sometimes overlook red flags due to attraction, which can impair judgment," Nia shared. "Practicing mindfulness can help you stay connected to your instincts and notice when something doesn’t feel right."
#26
He got mad over something trivial because he was overwhelmed, and he punched the wall and, for lack of a better word, roared. 15 years later I was living in a DV shelter with our two sons.
#27
Not apologising. Ever. I either had to accept she was right or “get over it”.
And when looking for a partner, take your time. "The early stages of dating are essential for observing red and green flags. Taking time to assess your partner without rushing into a commitment allows you to evaluate compatibility and recognize any concerning patterns," Nia shared. "According to Dr. John Gottman’s studies, couples who slowly build a foundation of trust and friendship are more likely to have successful relationships."
#28
I was always put on the back burner.
She never put me first, and always seemed to care more about other people's problems and feelings way more than mine.
#29
She was super sweet for the first 4-6 months, by then she had her hooks in me and her true narcissistic self began to emerge. Man if I had split right there, I would’ve saved myself sooooo much pain and misery.
Finally, Nia says that recognizing and addressing red flags is a skill that develops over time. "People often carry emotional scars from past relationships, but by understanding red flags, we gain tools for building healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future," she explained. "If you ignore red flags, it can destroy your self-esteem when you have a series of negative relationships. Try to keep an eye out for red flags to protect your heart and your mental health also."
#30
Telling me he loved me within two weeks of meeting me. Full love-bombing. He turned out to be a massive manipulator, who put me through hell. The 2.5 years I spent with him (1.5 of those wanting to leave) are the only I've ever regretted.
#31
She lied. I could tell when she lied. I always had a fairly good b******t detector, and she was into me and thought that lying to others helped prove she was smart enough for me. For whatever reason, I thought it was kind of cute and free spirited. I thought she'd never lie to me.
At first she never lied to me. Id watch her lie to everyone else, and slowly tried to help her see that all it did was make her life more difficult. She was trying to change. We were working on it.
Then she never lied about important things to me. We were working on it, she wanted to get better.
Then she betrayed me, and when confronted with a heads up that I knew what was going on - she lied about it each and every step of the way while I kept incrementally showing more proof of exactly what I knew happened.
So - when people show you who they are - believe them.
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 year ago
Two things I refuse to tolerate under ANY circumstances: don't steal from me. If you ask, more than likely I'll just give it to you. But once you steal, that's it, no forgiveness. Secondly, never, and I mean, NEVER lie to me. If you don't want to talk about something right now, say so. Explain why if you can. Lie to me and I'll never trust you again.
#32
He was bragging about how he could manipulate his ex to do whatever he wanted. He’d pick fights with her and blame her for it until she would do things for him then he’d be nice again. I thought she was just dumb and/or a patsy, but he was so good at manipulation it was scary.
He used to pick a fight with me every Friday when I got home from work for the weekend. Then he’d feel justified in going out partying all weekend and being unfaithful while I was home in emotional ruin. Got to the point I would have panic attacks every Friday and loathe the weekend.
Crouching hippo hidden panda 1 year ago
He clearly told her who he was but she chose to be a “pick me”
#33
He beat his dog for getting into the trashcan.
#34
Her getting offended by completely innocuous stuff, and my having to constantly apologize for my wording because of it.
#35
I'm going to answer as the flag.... I lived with my parents much longer than I should have, I worked a dead end job and didn't attempt to improve it and began drinking, it was a massive wake up call when they left me. They don't know they turned my life around.
#36
"I'm not going to stop visiting with (the person I left to be with you) - I don't stop being friends with someone just because we've broken up!" Proceeded to gaslight my 'insecurities' and had excuses to see or talk to the ex nearly every day.
I was so naive.
Na Schi 1 year ago
I totally get it! But I guess it so much depends on the (vile) nature of the person. As me and my first (real), several years lasting relationship also stayed all the time on amicable terms after we've broken off. Though this solely included respect to each other and not physical attraction. It's still nice to call this person a good friend although I'm being in a happy relationship of 20 years (and counting 😊).
#37
Their use of alcohol to cope rather than addressing the actual problems in a healthy manner.
#38
Getting calls and texts in the middle of the nite, demanding I come over.
Then stacking furniture to block the front door, to prevent me from leaving while I slept.
The sex was amazing, I think that’s why I ignored the early signs of insanity. But when she tried to spike my drink one nite, I called it quits.
It was honestly fun while it lasted, but I was on edge, thinking I might wake up with my throat cut or something.
Aboredpanda 1 year ago
EARLY signs of insanity? That sounds like full on insanity straight away, but this person was too excited by sex to care.
#40
I met this person shortly after they broke up with somebody. I didn’t know at the time.
After dating for a week or two, they told me they hooked up with their ex, but it was a mistake that would never happen again….
That was the first and last time I’ll ever hear that statement and give a second chance. .
Donna Peluda 1 year ago
Something similar happened to me, I didn't know her ex, at least I thought I didn't. Also he wasn't her ex , they were still going out when she was sleeping with me. Turned out that he played in a band and I'd jammed with him a few times.
#42
After I was diagnosed with testicular cancer, she got drunk with her best friend and planned a trip for the two of them (not me) over New Year's Eve. I told her how upset it made me, and she turned around and did the same thing again on Valentine's Day.
#43
I went to take a shower, it took an hour, as "shower" for me is also code word for toilet, teeth and skincare. I went downstairs to make a sandwich, he told me to text him right when I came out the shower but my hands were wet and by the time I was downstairs they were dry. It was only 30 extra seconds. When I texted him he scolded at me for texting him downstairs, even though I told him that it doesn't make a difference. He then scolded me for taking an hour, which is normal for me. He said I probably was cheating as he saw in his p**n about girls saying they're gonna shower but actually "being in the shower with another dude". I was 13 and homeschooled. I shouldve left at that moment.
#44
Her family telling me to go find a quality woman.
BookFanatic 1 year ago
Similar. My ex's mom asked me why on earth I didn't break up with him sooner.
#45
When i caught her coming out of a bedroom the morning after a party we attended on her turf, two weeks into the relationship. She was in there with a guy who was "that guy" early on in our relationship.
She managed to gaslight me into believing that nothing happened in there with him. Even got me to apologise to him for calling it out.
A few years later I found out she'd f**ked the guy that night. I was downstairs sleeping on the sofa.
#46
She told me she cheated on her ex by banging his friend on the couch right next to him while her bf at the time was passed out drunk.. and laughed about it after telling me.
#47
At this time we were dating for a few weeks. He left me in his apartment to go delivered a package to his boss. Meanwhile his roomate ask me if I want mcdonalds and I said yes. I asked for a small hamburguer and fries for this guy since I knew he didnt like mcdonalds.
We had agree on making hot dogs so when he came back I looked at him feeling a bit bad while eating the hamburguer but he laughed. Anyway I had made him the hot dogs and we ate together. He said it was okay.
Then we were alone in his room he hug me but very tigh and start to hurt. He told me angry but calm that I should never do someting like that again. Not doing what I had promise. I said sorry but he keep hugging. And them he told me he would be really angry next time.
Now I understand that he would always get to passive agresive or violently with any thing I would do wrong.
PunnyPanda 1 year ago
Even if English isn't her first language, I absolutely understand what she means... Passive punishment that's a thinly veiled threat of violence is a terrifying form of abuse, especially over something innocuous (covering a negative post).
#48
Whenever he got drunk enough he would get overly emotional. And it wasn’t an “I love you” type of emotional, it was a “I hate myself and am angry/sad at myself” that spiraled into those feeling being directed at his friends or me.
I should have left when it became a pattern for him to get that drunk each night I was with him. But it took him getting physical with me to actually get out. I should have left sooner.
PunnyPanda 1 year ago
Consistently shifting into a different personality when they drink is a major red flag for me. Generally people just become an exaggerated version of themselves, but if alcohol causes them to suddenly start behaving out of character, even if it's not necessarily negative, I've found that usually means there's a ton of repressed issues lurking in the background...
#49
Was in a relationship with an obsessive and jealous person. The mood swings were a good giveaway, went from very happy to very sad...............very quickly!
#50
He was completely emotionally unavailable and grew distant over time.
Then he went toxic, and I kept excusing it with "he's just struggling! He's depressed!"
Small moments of love. Then it was a situationship, followed by me being taken advantage of and discarded.
Fast forward, he's a fearful avoidant. NEVER date those. They're inconsistent, and that's the worst of it all.
#51
To be fair, we were both a mess. Neither one of us could break up with the other despite things being not great. So we rode that dumpster fire straight into the ground, to the detriment of both of our health. I'm just glad we each moved on to better things lol.
#53
Always having to smooth over their emotional outbursts to others. Whether they were drunk or sober, they did not care about the consequences, even if it meant I was friends with the other person. There was one time I purposefully pushed one of my exes friends’ buttons to see how he’d react and he acted like I was a horrible person with no manners. So not only infuriating but hypocritical. Also, small talk. They never went out of their way to do normal and expected social courtesies like introducing themselves to people close to me and being normal in doing so. I was always on edge they were going to say something bad or inappropriate. Out of all of the s****y things that occurred in that relationship, the points I make above are what still baffle me to this day about how a grown man could act that way and still traverse through society with a chip on his shoulder.
#54
Little white lies.
#55
Mine was on our 2nd or 3rd date. She told me she washes her shoes every weekend. I said that sounded crazy. She stone faced and murmured, 'Don't ever call me crazy.' But she said it like she was a ventriloquist. He lips never moved.
Black Cat 1 year ago
Calling someone's quirks crazy is pretty rude. Wheres the harm in her washing her shoes every weekend. The bigger red flag is him labelling her as crazy just because she does something he doesnt understand or is a bit unusual. There was a time when people would regularly polish their work shoes of a Sunday.
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What do you think ?
Black Cat 1 year ago
Glad I'm single, too many trust issues to ever get into another relationship. Humans are crazy.
Ace 1 year ago
You really should not read stuff like this and believe that it's representative of people as a whole. Being in a relationship does not mean that any of these bad things are going to happen.
Load More Replies...
Ellinor 1 year ago
We were very different and had very different lives (I was poor and in an art school and he was rich in a scientific school). During our whole relationship he didn't cared about what was making me uncomfortable and pushed me to do things I didn't wanted to do, like meeting his whole family at once or putting a swimsuit at his birthday party when he knew I hated my body. He also didn't cared about art, was always mocking what I liked... What made me break-up was when we both agreed to be in an open relationship, but when I had a chance with a guy and told him, he said that he would be devastated and feel unloved if I saw other people, but that I could do whatever I wanted, but that if I did I would hurt him forever. That was the last straw for me.
Tobias Reaper 1 year ago
not me but my friend whenever she tried to talk about how she was feeling or about how he was feeling he would get angry an walk away. Would also get angry at her for being upset was emotionally unavailable.
Black Cat 1 year ago
Glad I'm single, too many trust issues to ever get into another relationship. Humans are crazy.
Ace 1 year ago
You really should not read stuff like this and believe that it's representative of people as a whole. Being in a relationship does not mean that any of these bad things are going to happen.
Load More Replies... Ellinor 1 year ago
We were very different and had very different lives (I was poor and in an art school and he was rich in a scientific school). During our whole relationship he didn't cared about what was making me uncomfortable and pushed me to do things I didn't wanted to do, like meeting his whole family at once or putting a swimsuit at his birthday party when he knew I hated my body. He also didn't cared about art, was always mocking what I liked... What made me break-up was when we both agreed to be in an open relationship, but when I had a chance with a guy and told him, he said that he would be devastated and feel unloved if I saw other people, but that I could do whatever I wanted, but that if I did I would hurt him forever. That was the last straw for me.
Tobias Reaper 1 year ago
not me but my friend whenever she tried to talk about how she was feeling or about how he was feeling he would get angry an walk away. Would also get angry at her for being upset was emotionally unavailable.
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