Funny Tweets That Have No Business Being So Spot-On

Crazy catz

Crazy catz

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I am so beyond jealous

I forget who had the "luxury bones" tweet about teeth, but...yes. That.

hear hear!

My kind of horse!

This, but for all women. We all need pockets! And considering phones are bigger than ever while pockets have either become half-sized or non-existent, this is wrong on every level.

I work in customer service, I can understand.

We had poor leaders and now the next four years we will have no leader, just people plundering the government funds for their own personal gain.

Learn from this cousin. She is wise.

And my grey hair

So true.

They saw the opportunity, they seized it, and it has indeed paid off..

My kind of grandmother. 💃🍷🎵

"Don't call it babysitting, they're your kids, it's called parenting." "What's the difference?" "You don't get paid!"

And a Philly Cheesesteak sandwich and a good beer! Then some ice cream.

ADHD be like :

Stop teaching me about myself!

At least one suspect eliminated, that alibi checks out!

And then...squirrel! Cute little fuzzbutt! Uh...what was I doing?

Sounds like a Tuesday

Put the salary in the job posting!

Only way I'm getting up at 5:00 AM is if my bed is on fire. And that's just long enough to put it out. Then it's back to sleep in my soggy bed.

It sounds like the dog is winning.. 😊

Literally my day in a nutshell

Yeh? That's just what 'Big Mint' wants you to think..

FoxEcoLimaIndiaCharlieIndiAlfa

FoxEcoLimaIndiaCharlieIndiAlfa

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This is me, I really hate being late. It legit physically bothers me, which is kinda funny because I have ADHD, but I was also in the military. I have 2 younger sisters, one who was born like 2 weeks after the due date and she's going to be late for her own funeral. My other sister was born right on her due date and she's usually right on time to things. If she had to work at 9am, she shows up right at 9am. I was born 3+ months early and I prefer to be early to things. I'm sure it's just a coincidence but I find it kinda funny.

Its not a saturday if you dont stay home.

"Hey, Mom! Didn't you see me? I was honking to get your attention!"

Yup. And god forbid you turn your head funny - say goodbye for looking around for a week.

MotherRobinson

MotherRobinson

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Yup, because with great power comes great responsibility.

Should always call when insurance is renewed. Elephant are the only company that's seen sense and put up their prices by £5-£10, which people won't bother calling to complain about; the ones who put it up 20-30% are always going to get complaints. One question - what on earth are you insuring that costs more than £600?

Someone has completely misunderstood the meaning of the F**k It 40s. You don't care, and you don't try to be weird. You embrace your weirdness and let your weird flag fly, as long as it's before 9 pm

I've done this. A new bottle of soap. The old one that would have lasted 2 weeks is gone in a day because I'm so excited to crack open the new scent.

Dad joke level: expert.

Yes! Give it a zippy bag design!

I don't like people and I don't want to clean up.

Not even my boss?

Wish I had been given these sage words of wisdom decades ago. Now I just want to live in a tiny cottage in the middle of the woods far enough that I don't see people but still within range to have groceries delivered.

My attitude after finding out I have a strong food sensitivity to caseins (protein found in all dairy products and a whole mess of other stuff).. had 8 cups of Greek yogurt in the fridge that were bought and paid for. NO WAY I'm throwing all that out over some silly allergy! 😂

Tangrams!!

Not overcooked, right?

Waiter: what kind? Me: yes

It's the little things.

And a large bowl of salty snacks accidentally lands on your lap.

How could you!?? Todd should never cook again.. ever

Some things never change. My mother said the same thing to me in like 1965 or 1966 when I was about 5 years old. That was back when Lucky Charms only had three kinds of marshmallows; hearts, moons, and clovers. And yiu can bet your sweet bippy I bought one of those bags of just the marshmallows when they started selling them. Excellent.

Yes they can and they do. And the Holy Spirit in the context of guacamole is called the avocado advocato. Pray for me.

It was via email but I wrote to someone after a ton of back and forth, This conversation is no longer productive. Here is my supervisor's information.

Feels like betrayal, right?

Just NOT burnt quesadilla!

I say that to my wife all the time.

Or the pain of finding out you're on your period on the second day of vacation.

could probrably go with that for 75%

I had a hard time just reading this

my life in a summary 😂

If you become a boat person, following the weather is 90% of your day.

Yup

I'm fine, everything is fine...how are you?

I have never seen wrinkled gouda.

How come he didn't have to run laps?

My body was not built for that c**p.

Before you go down to the floor, be sure you have a plan on how you are going to get back up.

Unfortunately, they probably still wouldn't get done...

Dear My Cat...if the sun isn't up, you don't need to be up. Just trust me on this one

We could build on this! I now want Star Trek bars as well. We can group everyone up by hobby, everyone gets genially sloshed surrounded by "their people", and all are happy.

well you didn't marry the dog

A friend advised me to wrap my important stuff (phone, money) in an apparently used baby diaper and leave it on my towel when at the beach!