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“But It’s Every Day”: 59 Micro-Aggressions That Are So Micro People Feel They Can’t Call Them Out
A microaggression is a brief, seemingly normal encounter that is still designed to make someone feel bad. After all, it’s not really a good image to engage in overt aggression. Examples include things like nagging or disparaging comments.
Someone asked “What micro aggression was so micro, you'd look crazy for pointing it out?” and netizens cracked their knuckles and shared their stories. Get comfortable as you scroll through, upvote your favorites and be sure to add your own experiences to the comments section down below.
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#1
When my aunt didn't invite me to my grandparents' birthday and only invited her son because her son has kids "and the grandparents love seeing the little children."
I'm infertile. I've been trying to have kids for years plus now I'm excluded from family events because of it?
Louisa johnson 1 month ago
Oh god that’s awful. What a nasty woman. I’m so sorry that OP has to deal with this pain
RELATED:
#2
There's a certain way someone asks how my cats are, difficult to describe. But I immediately understand that this person thinks a man owning not just one but multiple cats is ridiculous.
Edit: I have been shamed! Please accept my apologies with the cat tax.
Charlie the Cat 1 month ago
I'm a man. I unashamedly own 2 cats. Sorry let me rephrase that. I am owned by 2 cats.
#4
When someone is perfectly warm and chatty with everyone else, then suddenly gets weirdly flat, formal, or distant with you specifically.
If you call it out, it sounds petty because nothing huge happened. But you can absolutely feel the difference when someone is giving you the human equivalent of “corporate email tone” in a casual room.
#5
I was comforting my friend when she was talking about her insecurities, by saying that all of us had insecurities, myself included. She responded by saying "Your nose, right?". Guess who couldn't forget that comment even years later?
#6
In 2020 I was calling a coworker a lot at a new job. When we finally met in person, she saw me and stopped in her tracks before saying, “you didn’t sound like you used a cane over the phone.” Am I supposed to announce that before my salutation? I was working at a regional center for individuals with developmental disabilities at the time. These people worked with the disabled and I have never faced more stupid comments about my disability in my life.
#7
My last boss would cheerfully greet everyone in our department but me. I was the only one who noticed and if I had brought it up I would have looked nuts. The only time she ever talked to me was to correct something she thought I did wrong or if she wanted me to do something. Best day at this job was watching her "Accept another position." I am so glad she is at some other university inflicting herself on someone else.
Edit: Seems like this is a pretty big problem for a lot of people! I hope you all find a place that appreciates you and treats you the way you deserve to be treated. .
#8
As a disabled person, when people tell me I'm lucky that I get to rest all day (when I don't have a choice in the matter) .
#9
One of my coworkers, anytime he sees me heading for the coffee machine, *rushes* to start using it before I can so I have to wait several minutes before I can use it
it sounds like I'm reading too far into it, and that we both just wanted coffee, but it's *every day* and he always has a snide comment to go with it ("gotta be quicker than that" was the most recent one).
#10
I saw in a personal finance sub someone post about buying a house post divorce and a majority of the comments were about grieving the marriage and waiting. This person is a woman and makes good money, shared their income and can afford it.
I’ve never seen a man post about divorce and a majority of the comments are about getting therapy, and taking a cooling off period or about feelings. The replies are typically about the financial advice they asked about.
#11
I will sign off an email with "Regards," instead of "Best regards," if I am annoyed.
#12
Contrarianism to only your ideas or attaching an addendum to everything you say.
#13
When I was around 13, my brother and I were getting a haircut, our hairdresser said that my brother would do well with girls because he was good looking and I would do well because I am funny. She was spot on but I still think about it
#14
People often leave open train seats next to me on packed trains. I'm a minority in the country I live.
It happens enough that I know it's purposeful, especially the times a seat somewhere else will open and the person beside me scrambled to get the new seat, despite it also being next to someone and not a better seat, but if I told anyone that saw it happen once or twice it's easy to pass off as "they don't want to sit, it has nothing to do with you".
#15
I went to a Krispy Kreme with a coupon and ended up with a dozen of cheap fresh donuts. I ran into my neighbor while walking in to the hallway. I asked her if she wanted one. She said "no thanks, gotta stay thin for my job" and then stared me up and down before walking out the exit to the parking lot. You'd think I weighed 500 pounds with that glance. (I'm also a woman and weigh roughly 150. She appears to be around 120. It felt to be a bit of a slight on my weight but whatever, I'd rather enjoy a donut than think stressfully about every treat I want to indulge in. Some of those donuts went stale, dammit, I was just trying to avoid food waste.) .
#16
"I wish I could stay home all day and knit," said by my husband's friend's wife, eighteen years ago. I've never forgotten it, and I dreaded talking to her at my husband's funeral a few months ago, because of it. I wasn't just sitting around, I was raising my daughter, running household errands, cleaning, and cooking meals. Knitting was how I stayed calm and relaxed.
#17
For about a 10 year stretch, it seemed like everyone I met would ask me how many children I have, and then when I told them I didn't have any, they would get this sad look on their face, and then they would get really awkward as if they had made me admit some great shame and now they are embarrassed about it. It was so weird.
I didn't really care that people made the assumption, but that combined with their reaction was so uncomfortable and got old really fast.
What's really weird is at some point people just stopped assuming that, and now people don't even ask me if I have children. I think societal standards about appropriate questions of strangers have really changed.
DawnoftheDead 1 month ago
Or she is 10 years older and people either think she has older kids, or is too old to have babies
#18
I'm not sure if this fits. Long ago, a girl in one of my high school classes turned to me and said:
"You look like that blond girl on 90210."
I was shocked she said that, as I have always been average looking. I'm sure I started smiling & thanked her for the compliment. It really made my day for a fraction of a second.
Then she said, "Oh. Not the pretty one."
I wanted to sink through the floor.
#19
Too many compliments. I face it a lot as an Autistic person. A few compliments are fine, but sometimes someone gives enough compliments that it's like, okay you're laying it on too thick now, you're acting like I'm a child or someone who constantly needs their ego boosted. I don't. These are usually the same people who get mad at me when I'm struggling.
#20
My partner’s mother loves to ask me how old my cats are, followed up by “how long do cats usually live?.” or she’ll comment that one of them is looking a lot older.
She plays it off like she’s just innocently asking about my cats. When my partner confronts her, she victimizes herself. “What? I didn’t mean it like that at all, oh you must think I’m so awful.”
Needless to say, I avoid all unnecessary interactions with her.
#21
Being in a conversation with male and female colleagues, and every time you're talking, if a man pipes up, everyone turns to him whether he's interrupting you or he-peating whatever you just said.
VisuallyChallengedPew 1 month ago
This is first time I've heard the expression "he-peating". Well done to whoever came up with that one. I understood exactly what phenomenon it was referring to.
#22
I knew an older lady who would say "Well, we didn't all get to go to university!" in this particular tone...but always in response to things that I learned in public school.
Examples include being able to multiply 8x6 in my head, knowing that the word "phony" is used frequently in Catcher in the Rye, and looking on the official Elections Canada website to see where to vote.
Lady Gypsy Rain 1 month ago
I think I’d have to eventually respond with, “hmmm. You mean the things they taught us in primary school?”
#23
My colleague is a veteran and he refers to the other veterans on our team as "Brother." I am also a veteran, and he has no way to refer to me in such a manner since I'm not a man. He does it to vets from different service branches too, so it isn't just the Army vets he says it to. It is such a little thing, the only ones who have clocked him saying it are me and the other woman on the team in these meetings.
Lyone Fein 1 month ago
There are options, of course, like “sister”. Or just calling her by her rank(sarge).
#24
Years ago I was at Thanksgiving with my boyfriend at the time's family.
The turkey platter was too heavy to really pass around, so plates were getting passed around. His grandma started to put a whole turkey leg on my plate, then asked whose plate it was. When she found out mine she put the leg back and put some scraps on the plate.
I can't remember if this was one or two years after she sat me and him at the "kids table" alone, while the actual children were at the main table.
#26
Someone at work will not stop parking their shoes in front of my locker so I can’t open it without moving them. Perfectly lined up and clearly deliberate. It’s cause it’s right in front of the bench. But like? You have your own locker, there’s ten shoe racks, a shoe mat under the bench, and now they’re in the middle of the very narrow isle. wth. It’s been months of me having to move someone’s smelly hospital shoes. It’s so minor and frustrating.
Another one is when some random person kicks someone’s else’s shoes in as far a different directions as possible. It’s so rude.
Lady Gypsy Rain 1 month ago
Funny how the thing they find maddening, they also don’t like the quick and hands free approach to moving the problem
#27
“My mom said you were really ugly, but I stuck up for you and told her she was being mean.”.
#28
There are many gendered examples that some would call “flirtation” but that, on the receiving end, leave a person feeling like a piece of meat or dirty. Looks, comments on one’s body, touching that doesn’t quite cross the line, for instance. Any one of these things, by themselves, don’t seem worth mentioning. But over a lifetime they add up, and they define a subordinate position for the person experiencing them.
#29
I'm of Asian heritage and my ex's aunt visited the country of my heritage and called the clothes people were wearing "costumes".
PeachPossum 1 month ago
The word costume in English can mean the traditional dress of a country or culture.
#30
Being asked where you are from. As an immigrant who's been a citizen for decades... Any single one of those questions is innocent, but when you get asked that same question several times a week by randos for half of your life, it really wears on you. It's basically being reminded that you will always be an outsider. .
TheElderNom 1 month ago (edited)
I once asked a dark skinned coworker where he was from. (We live in Sweden so being light skinned is still the most common. "My parents are from Kenya, but I'm born in Sweden." "Oh, that's cool but where in Sweden. I recognise your accent but I can't place it and it's annoying me." "Oh... Um.. Eskilstuna." "Thank you!" He did look at me quite weirdly but since I'm dense it took me far too long to recognise it and at that point he'd switched jobs.
#31
When I’m clearly expected to do something, it’s on my list to do, and I’m the only one who has done work on the assignment, the question “have we done this yet?” This is my most recent pet peeve.
No, *we* have not done anything. *I* wrote something, revised it, and did everything including adding *your* signature.
Another that makes me feel crazy is when people remove niceties from an email. “Hi Name,” becomes “Name:” .
#32
Someone said "no offense" before a totally normal sentence, still thought about it for days.
#33
Sometimes it's just a look in the other direction while you're talking.
Chaotic Good 1 month ago
ADHD here; I'm sorry, but something moved into my field of vision, and I had to inventory it. I'm still listening.
#34
My mom has this nasty habit of sweetly asking: can I ask you a question and you promise you won't get mad?
1) She knows it's going to infuriate me
2) if I tell her no, she is going to ask anyway.
No matter what she has "politely started an argument.
Multa Nocte (she/her 8647) 1 month ago (edited)
For those in a similar situation, this is something to initially bring up at another time and explain why it is offensive and manipulative and say you will no longer stand for it. After the initial discussion, get up and walk away when they do this. Even for such a passive-aggressive person, they will finally figure it out.
#35
New sister in law consistently passively aggressively pointing out things she doesn't like about me.
I have autism among other things.
Certain quotes:
"Oh you're a little bit OBESSED over that aren't you?"
"Have you taken your medication today?"
"Can you make the pie you're making healthy?"
"I think you need to stop talking," and immediately picks off when I stopped.
"You KNOW what black tie is don't YOU?"
And a myriad of others. Lord give me strength.
#36
I had a coworker who would wait until I went home every evening and move the alphabet magnets on my whiteboard. It was never anything important, just a letter out of place. But it was so obvious! I saw it as soon as I came in! It drove me nuts!
And I looked like a lunatic telling my principal that coworker was messing with my letters.
KatWitch57 1 month ago
I'd rearrange the letters to read "I know who you are, and where you live".
#37
People who emphasize their Doctorate status.
When unruly customers call and reiterate it's DOCTOR Jane Doe.
Me: "Jane, if you click on the details it clearly states what's required."
Them: It's DOCTOR Jane Doe.
Me "will there be anything else we can assist you with today Jane?"
Like no, your doctorate in literature has ZERO impact on this conversation. STFU!
#38
People casually but repeatedly bringing up your age or your relationship status.
Multa Nocte (she/her 8647) 1 month ago (edited)
Again, for people in this sort of situation, this can generally be dealt with by asking why they are so concerned about your personal life, tell them you no longer want to hear it and will no longer entertain it, and then get up and walk away when it happens the next time. Don't do it angrily, just smile, turn around, and walk away. If anyone is in the area that this person can use to act like they are offended for "asking a simple question," smile and say "This person does this to get a rise out and me and I told them I won't deal with it any longer."
#39
My grandma (a white woman) would gush over my sister who is white. I’m more Native American passing. Granted, my sister is tall, blonde and very pretty. One time we came to my grandma’s house and my sister walked in and my grandma immediately said “oh -sister-, you’re so beautiful, you could be a model.” When I walked in she said “you’re cute too.”.
Multa Nocte (she/her 8647) 1 month ago
Sadly, "pretty privilege" is a thing, even in families.
#40
Being the only guy addressed as "bud" in a group of men.
"Okay, bud". "Thanks, bud.".
#41
Had a barista who looked like she as having a bad day. I made sure I had my full order ready and spoke clearly and enunciated to try and help her out. She continued to have a sour face and asked my name. I told her, loud and clear, "It's Joanna". She sorta rolled her eyes at me and made a face, which was weird. I tipped her well regardless. I know working retail sucks.
Time goes by and my order hasn't come up. Everyone that came after me had their drinks. All of a sudden I hear someone loudly call, "Joe! JOE! JOE!" And it dawns on me... I'm Joe. Embarrassed I go get my order, because it's clear they thought I just wasn't paying attention. I thought about telling them, "Hey, the original Barista shortened my name so I didn't recognize it", but knew they'd think I was weird. I've been "Anna" or "Joanne" on coffee and it never bothered me.
But when I looked back and remembered the fact she had rolled her eyes at me when I said my name, I realized she was annoyed at me that I had a "long" name. And then shortened it. Super weird micro aggression, but not one that deserved bringing up to the staff. Still leaves me weirded out whenever I think about it.
JB 1 month ago (edited)
Same story from the barista’s POV: “I’m having a bad day. This woman comes in with a list of things to order and proceeds to talk at me as if I’m deaf or stupid. She’s obviously putting extra effort into speaking oh so clearly and e.nun.ciAting so the dumb, minimum wage, pleb taking her order doesn’t get it wrong. Wrote her name, which she practically shouted at me when I asked - “It’s Joanna!”, as Jo. Hope the haughty bıtch’s coffee was cold by the time she figured it out.” Is it still a micro aggression? Yep, but OP is quite possibly wrong that her name was shortened because it is “long”.
#42
I have a neighbor I see e v e r y t I m e I step out the house . Does not matter the time 4am or 10pm it’s too much of a coincidence. I felt crazy because I noticed they kept their window shades constantly open looking into my apt. It wasnt until I put curtains that I felt better but yet I see them everytime I step out. Most times I have to wait them out because I don’t want to greet them.
#43
When people jokingly say the reverse of some obvious thing about your appearance.
Like, if you are old, they say “Well, young man, what will it be?”
Or, if you are tall, “What’s up, Shorty?”
Or (dangerous territory) “Hey, Skinny!”.
#44
I have no learning disabilities or neurodivergence of any kind but I am always labeled neurodivergent (specifically autism) by my peers because I am trans.
I have taken all of their “quizzes” and surveys and they always come up with nothing. Sorry guys, being queer is not a mental illness.
#45
Noticed this real weird one while I was in a wheelchair.
I'm going down one side of a grocery store aisle, somebody is travelling the opposite direction on the other side. Neither of us is in each other's way, we're just proceeding on our path without disturbing each other. About 50% of the time, the other person would apologise as they passed me.
Like... are you sorry you have to pass me? Sorry I'm in a wheelchair? What exactly are you apologising for?
#46
The singular Pride-themed thing I regularly carry is a rainbow wallet. A cashier looked at it silently for several seconds as I looked for the needed bills and then said “Merry Christmas.” I said thank you, you too because asking him if he thought that I would be one of those War on Christmas people would have been absurd and also because I was thankful for the holiday cheer.
#47
I had signed up for a swing dance class. Arrived early to get signed in. A small line had already formed and I was third from the end behind a couple. The assistant instructor worked her way down the line asking each person their info and crossing their name off the attendance list. She went by me, signed in the couple, turned to walk into the studio, turned back and asked if I was part of the class. I had been waiting patiently in line, watching the whole process. I said yes and she signed me in.
Everyone in that class was a white or asian yuppy. I was the only brown in the class. The instructor spent the first 5 minutes talking about the history of swing, how it's a black American and African creation and how they think it's very important to respect the roots of the form rather than appropriate and divest it of its context.
I have endless microagression anecdotes, as a minority in a western city. They happen to me every time I leave the house, every sidewalk, every room. It's the reason I'm very shy and introverted and don't go out or interact much. If I get snappy, or make a fuss, It's all plausibly deniable and I'm the bad guy.
#48
Bestie, when people say “you look tired” like, thanks for the reminder, 2000s vibes.
#49
When you’re a different culture/ethnicity and they have to tell you every person they know of that culture/ethnicity.
“Our doctor is also X!”
Great! .
#50
I was part of a panel doing an interview for a finance position. The applicant said he would “dumb it down” so we could understand it. He did not get the job.
#51
When someone compliments or agrees with you, but precedes it with the word “actually.” “That’s actually a very good idea.”.
#52
"Hey, you look good *today*."
"I'm sure *someone* here will want to get pedantic and fact check what I'm about to share, but ...".
#53
I’m a trans woman. One time, I was about to order a burrito, and the guy working there said “Let me guess, vegetarian?”
It didn’t help that he was right.
#54
My roommate likes to leave 1 or 2 seconds on the microwave oven. I started leaving it open after I done with it. If he ever says anything about leaving it open, I'll just say, "Not me. Must be the same ahole who leaves 1 second on it when they're done.".
Elladine DesIsles 1 month ago
Maybe, they are trying not to annoy you with the loud beep/chime/alarm sound it makes when it reaches zero, especially if they use it at night or when you are sleeping, studying, etc? Or maybe they are sensitive to that sound and more comfortable avoiding it? Adding a second or two to the time you needed isn't going to ruin your food (unless it is popcorn, but what are the chances microwave popcorn was going to turn out well anyway?).
#55
Everyone in my life telling me how "amazing" and "incredible" I look now after losing 85 lbs just makes me realize they thought I looked like a fat piece of trash before.
Multa Nocte (she/her 8647) 1 month ago
This is just self-pity. An 85 pound weight loss is noticeable and people are trying to give this person a compliment because most (not all) people enjoy hearing something positive when they have lost weight. When you are overweight you spend your life with veiled (or open) insults about your looks, and most of us appreciate hearing a positive, even if it is wrapped in society's judgements about body weight.
#56
There was a while where I was traveling internationally a lot for work and one time at customs a guy looked at my passport and just went ‘oh…how nice’ in a way that clearly sounded like he didn’t think it was nice. Then he made me take my glasses off, put them back on, and take them off again. At 3 am in the country.
Ace 1 month ago
Customs officers sometimes employ such tactics to help highlight nervous people who might be trying to hide something. I once had one, at SF airport, suggest that I was a d**g dealer after I told him I was travelling on business, in the Pharmaceuticl industry. He was smiling, being very nice, and I'm 95% sure he was genuinely just making a joke, but I still made sure not to actually agree with him 😕
#57
I was a foreign student studying uni abroad and always heard "wow your English is so good" from everyone, and from some of them more than once.
#58
Calling someone 'champ'.... I don't know if my new boss knew what he was saying when he called a co-worker that name in our workplace group Whatsapp but oof! the reverberations.
#59
As a food/customer service worker, when boomers go out of their way to tell me how good of a job I'm doing.
Old man a few days ago couldn't go more than five seconds without saying "youre so good at this!"
I'm just making a sandwich, man. I'm here physically but mentally I'm on autopilot.
Multa Nocte (she/her 8647) 1 month ago
Unless there is a condescending tone with this, this person is just looking to be offended.
What do you think ?
Chilli 1 month ago
The first thing my friend said after not seeing me for two months: "Oh wow, your acne looks MUCH better!" I had never brought up my acne to her.
Becky Samuel 1 month ago
You may need to go and work out what a microagression is, because many of these certainly are. I agree that some of them are a stretch, and quite a few others are people with massive chips on their shoulders reading way too much into things and getting themselves upset over nothing.
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Chilli 1 month ago
The first thing my friend said after not seeing me for two months: "Oh wow, your acne looks MUCH better!" I had never brought up my acne to her.
Becky Samuel 1 month ago
You may need to go and work out what a microagression is, because many of these certainly are. I agree that some of them are a stretch, and quite a few others are people with massive chips on their shoulders reading way too much into things and getting themselves upset over nothing.
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