50 Stories Of People Who Overlooked Red Flags So Big They Were Blinding

Flags come in all shapes and colors. And they all have their own meaning. White, for example, is an internationally recognized sign of truce or ceasefire. You raise it when you’re ready to surrender. And the act of surrendering often comes after a war you no longer want to fight.

Perhaps there wouldn’t have been a battle in the first place. Had you not galliantly galloped straight past that big, red flag you saw flying at the top of the hill a few days, weeks or months ago. Maybe if you turned around, and high-tailed your way out of there, you'd not now be searching for the strength to hoist the heavy white flag up between pieces of debris.

"There isn’t a universal list of red flags in a relationship because people may have red flags based on their own particular values, goals, or past experiences that let them know this relationship is not good for them. In the research, red flags are common indicators that have a high chance of leading to adverse mental, physical, or mental health outcomes," Professor Amber Vennum tells Bored Panda. Vennum is an expert when it comes to Couple and Family Therapy, and teaches about "red flags" regularly at Kansas State University.

"There are a lot of reasons people might miss red flags or dismiss them, including they are similar to dynamics they grew up with so those behaviors seem normalized to them even if they are harmful, there are constraints to leaving the relationship or benefits to keeping it that are perceived as outweighing the red flags (they need help with transportation, finances, childcare, etc.), hope the other person will change, and there are really strong chemical reactions that happen early in romantic relationships that make us more trusting and likely to miss red flags," says Vennum.

Sometimes we call minor flags 'yellow flags,' says Vennum. "They are behaviors that are a bit hurtful or don’t align perfectly with our values and goals, could potentially be worked on in the relationship, or were caused by a stressor outside the relationship."

Yellow flags are signs to slow down and assess the relationship before increasing commitment or involvement with another person, communicate clear relationship expectations, and develop mutual plans for making changes so they don’t become red flags down the road, she explains. "Every person needs to be clear on the behaviors they see as bottom lines in their relationships and what they can compromise on."

It’s not uncommon to ignore the warning signs at the beginning of a relationship. After all, many people put their best foot forward in the early days. Psychologists call this the “primacy effect.” We want to make a good first impression when we meet someone, because how else will we get a second date?

We present an idealized, irresistible image of ourselves. Or, put another way, we don't play all our cards at once. We don't reveal the not-so-nice characteristics hiding behind the mask. But it takes two to play the game of great disguise. The person sitting across from you is often also trying their best to impress....

When we make a snap assessment of another person based on first impressions, it can color all our future judgments, explains professor of psychology Lawrence Josephs. If the book has a great cover, there's a good chance you might continue reading.

So your date made a good impression. You guys hit it off and things are going great. But now the "confirmation bias" kicks in. "We selectively look for evidence of everything that confirms our first impressions. And if we have doubts, we get our friends to confirm and validate what we already believe about our new love interest," writes Josephs.

He says we selectively ignore anything that challenges our first impression and calls it into question. "That means we start to ignore the red flags. We start to make excuses for anything that doesn’t fit the idealized image of someone with whom we are beginning to fall in love."

Josephs explains that these cognitive biases are driven by what’s called “motivated perception.” Basically, we are highly motivated to believe in the idealized image we have formed of our dating partner. We're done eating ice cream alone on the couch, or taking our BFF as our plus-one. We want to share life with someone.

We want to love, and be loved in return, so we trick our minds into believing in the idealized image that our date put forward. Especially if it flatters our egos, says the expert. "Wishful thinking clouds our better judgment," he warns. Been there. Done that. Saw. And ignored the red flag(s).

Josephs says the issue isn't us not seeing the warning signs. But rather our ability to brush them off. Sweep them under the white carpet. He explains that a red flag is leakage of bad or toxic tendencies despite our date's efforts to put their best foot forward while hiding their capacity to break our hearts.

"We do notice this stuff despite the primacy effect, the confirmation bias, and motivated perception that help us tune this stuff out," the expert reveals. "The problem is that we all possess relationship beliefs that influence how we interpret the red flags that we can’t simply tune out because they are discrepant with the positive illusions we have developed about our romantic partners."

"Most relationship red flags are pretty obvious," adds Dr. Susan Biali Haas, an award-winning physician and life coach. "The moment of truth may pass across our ears, eyes or heart in a flash, but we usually notice it. It's what we or our psyche decide to do with this information that matters most."

Truth has an unmistakable ring to it, warns Haas. She adds that our instincts are rarely wrong and that we need to act on them more. Often, the discomfort or anxiety we feel in a relationship is our intuition trying to get our attention so that we can address an issue or remove ourselves from a situation.

Can a leopard change its spots? It depends on who you ask... "One relationship belief is that people are fixable. The assumption is that relationships are work and if you work on it, people can change," writes Josephs on the Psychology Today site.

"So, philanderers can become monogamists... narcissists can acquire empathy, addicts can go into recovery. Dating partners are diamonds in the rough and if you polish them enough, they will brightly shine to your liking."

But as some of us have found out, after ignoring the big, unhinged red flags flying in our face, that's not always the case. Often, the leopard's spots have been put there with a permanent marker that even a magic eraser cannot delete. Paint over them at your own peril.

Red flags are indicators of likely relationship problems to come, warns Josephs. And if we believe that we can successfully confront and fix those relationship problems as they arise, we ignore the red flags, wave right back at them, and continue on our merry way, hoping for the best. But here's the problem.

"That makes you vulnerable to discovering that the problems are much more serious than you thought and possibly beyond fixing. But now you might be stuck in a bad relationship that's not so easy to extricate yourself from because you're married, because you have kids, because you are financially and emotionally dependent, and you can't bear the thought of starting over," cautions the expert.

Not all red flags are a catastrophe, though. And the experts say the trick is to look at them mindfully. Is the red flag something you're willing to live with? Will it do more harm to you than good?

"The real question is whether you can still love this person despite their character flaws if their character flaws prove beyond fixing," says Josephs. "If the answer is yes, move forward. If the answer is no, move on."

Josephs' advice kinda reminds me of a quote I once read from Andrew Boyd, the author of Daily Afflictions: The Agony of Being Connected to Everything in the Universe:

"We're all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you've been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there's no right person, just different flavors of wrong," wrote Boyd. "Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn't until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we're ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you're looking for. You're looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: it's got to be the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, 'This is the problem I want to have.'

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.”