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Mom Excludes Her Black Stepdaughter From A Christmas Family Pic, Is Surprised By People Calling Her Racist
Recently, a story posted on r/AITA received quite a backlash from people. The post comes from a 32-year-old mom of 4 kids, one of which is her husband’s daughter from a previous marriage.
“I am 32F, my husband Jack is 36M. We have Lydia, Carol and Solomon together. Jack has Enephrine from a different marriage.” For the last week of summer before the kids started school, the family went on vacation. Mom said she wanted to take Christmas card photos while they were away since it’s “a common theme in her family.”
“Here’s the problem,” wrote mom. She continued: “Jack is white, but Enephrine’s mom is black and she turned out looking very, very much like her.” It turned out, the woman didn’t want Enephrine in the family photograph because, in her own words, her parents are pretty racist and would make a fuss about it.
As you can imagine, this didn’t go well with the people in the r/AITA community. Not only was the woman dubbed an a-hole, she received tons of backlash for, well, being awfully racist.
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One woman has recently shared a story about how she didn’t want her stepdaughter in a family photo because she feared her racist parents would make a fuss out of it
Image credits: Chris Benson (not the actual photo)
This is the post she shared on r/AITA where people in the community immediately detected mom’s racism
Multiracial Americans make up a growing demographic, estimated at 9 million in the last census. The number of Americans who identify as multiracial is growing at three times faster than the normal population, according to the Pew Research Center. Sadly, just like virtually every person of color, multiracial people have encountered racism at some point in their lives.
What’s even more disturbing is that racial prejudice between family members is not an uncommon occurrence. According to this 2015 Pew study, a vast majority of multiracial people, 90%, say they have not been mistreated by a relative or extended family member because of their mixed-race background.
What makes it even more problematic is that being in denial about systemic racism is often deeply embedded into families and their members. In some families, racial background becomes a taboo they refuse to talk about, silencing their heritage, which is often just as painful as racism itself.
People dubbed mom the a-hole and said she’s a racist herself
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Trillian 4 years ago
Exactly. She said there was limited contact and they never met the girl. So how would anything they said when getting a card would even get back to her?
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8Yorkies-and-63cats 4 years ago
Exactly THIS. Most atrocities in history were allowed to happen and to continue happening because of accommodating people, people who did not want to "rock the boat".
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Andy Acceber 4 years ago
Yep, asshole. More importantly, as the child is 8, you're the bridge between her and her step-grandparents. Don't let their slurs get to her. Don't let her ever hear them. Sever that connection and protect your stepdaughter just like you would if your parents were coming after your bio-kids. (Also, Dad is an asshole for telling the 8 year-old this. Unless she specifically asked why she was excluded, this isn't something you offload onto a child because you're mad at Stepmom.)
Stephanie IV 4 years ago
The dad’s reaction needs to be addressed too! OP might have married someone just as self righteous and authoritative as her parents. Not good.
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Dasha Slepenkina 4 years ago (edited)
ESH. The parents, being racist, obviously suck. The OP, having made a terrible decision that will probably harm this child for life, sucks. The father, who TOLD the child that her stepmother did not want her in the picture because the child is black, sucks. This last one really bothers me as well because the OP says that the child did not notice at first why she was excluded and was made to eventually feel included, but the father made SURE she knew, just to get back at the OP. He's using the poor girl as a p awn (not sure why that word gets bleeped out if I type it all in one go) in his own anger - and however justified his feelings are, that's just wrong. That whole family needs to sit down, admit their wrongdoings, and do MUCH better in the future by that little girl.
Carolus Maxima 4 years ago
I'd disagree about the Dad being an AH. The girl is probably being treated differently by the stepmom outside of this one incident. She'll start recognizing the other times she's been excluded and will know why. It's better for the kid in the long run. She'll learn how to establish boundaries with the stepmom so that she won't be hurt in the future. It's a painful lesson, but one better learned sooner than later.
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Carol Emory 4 years ago
Sorry, but if your parents are offended because you have a step-daughter that's black, maybe you should remove your parents from the picture. How dare you make a child feel less than worthy because of the color of her skin! She's at an age where she's very impressionable and you just slapped her in the face with racism. Your role as step-mom is to love and protect her unconditionally...even from your own parents if necessary.
Jerry Mathers 4 years ago
I think she was trying to come from a good place but I think lost perspective on this. She allowed her behavior to be dictated by people that, by her own admission, she isn't close with and whose values she didn't share. And what she inadvertently traded was protecting her step daughter. Conflict isn't always to be avoided. I think she could make this right by deleting the ones without the step-daughter, apologizing, sending the whole family photo, and being prepared to cut ties with the racist parents. She needs to show the step-daughter she has her back and will burn anyone down that comes after her on the basis of color.
Ozacoter 4 years ago
I agree. I think that she ment well and she genuinely wanted to shield her step daughter. But definitely she should not have done this. She should tell her parents to stfo or they wont see any of the grandkids. Not only for the poor girl but also the others kids. You dont want their disgusting ideas to be heard by them!
Load More Replies...
Canadian in Cornwall 4 years ago
she's DEFINITELY the asshole ! Racist much? Imagine cow-towing to her racist parents instead of supporting that dear little girl! Just disgusting !!
Debbie Barnes 4 years ago (edited)
To be honest, I wouldn't even bother sending them a card. Children pick up when they're not as accepted as their brothers and sisters (speaking from experience), and so to even consider excluding her from a 'family' photo would really hurt her for many years to come. If you love a child and you're not racist, why would you even consider excluding her?
Walking On Sunshine 4 years ago
Man. That's bad. F*ck a racist. Can you imagine hurting this poor baby girls feelings because you want to protect the scummy racist? OP is just as bad. My kids didn't even know what the N-word was until they went to daycare. That lasted about three weeks.
Katchen 4 years ago
I’m so sorry that your kids learned the n-word at daycare!!! My kid learned the n-word from John Lewis’s comic book, March. We read it together so he could understand what it’s all about.
Load More Replies...
Trillian 4 years ago
Exactly. She said there was limited contact and they never met the girl. So how would anything they said when getting a card would even get back to her?
Load More Replies... 8Yorkies-and-63cats 4 years ago
Exactly THIS. Most atrocities in history were allowed to happen and to continue happening because of accommodating people, people who did not want to "rock the boat".
Load More Replies... Andy Acceber 4 years ago
Yep, asshole. More importantly, as the child is 8, you're the bridge between her and her step-grandparents. Don't let their slurs get to her. Don't let her ever hear them. Sever that connection and protect your stepdaughter just like you would if your parents were coming after your bio-kids. (Also, Dad is an asshole for telling the 8 year-old this. Unless she specifically asked why she was excluded, this isn't something you offload onto a child because you're mad at Stepmom.)
Stephanie IV 4 years ago
The dad’s reaction needs to be addressed too! OP might have married someone just as self righteous and authoritative as her parents. Not good.
Load More Replies... Dasha Slepenkina 4 years ago (edited)
ESH. The parents, being racist, obviously suck. The OP, having made a terrible decision that will probably harm this child for life, sucks. The father, who TOLD the child that her stepmother did not want her in the picture because the child is black, sucks. This last one really bothers me as well because the OP says that the child did not notice at first why she was excluded and was made to eventually feel included, but the father made SURE she knew, just to get back at the OP. He's using the poor girl as a p awn (not sure why that word gets bleeped out if I type it all in one go) in his own anger - and however justified his feelings are, that's just wrong. That whole family needs to sit down, admit their wrongdoings, and do MUCH better in the future by that little girl.
Carolus Maxima 4 years ago
I'd disagree about the Dad being an AH. The girl is probably being treated differently by the stepmom outside of this one incident. She'll start recognizing the other times she's been excluded and will know why. It's better for the kid in the long run. She'll learn how to establish boundaries with the stepmom so that she won't be hurt in the future. It's a painful lesson, but one better learned sooner than later.
Load More Replies... Carol Emory 4 years ago
Sorry, but if your parents are offended because you have a step-daughter that's black, maybe you should remove your parents from the picture. How dare you make a child feel less than worthy because of the color of her skin! She's at an age where she's very impressionable and you just slapped her in the face with racism. Your role as step-mom is to love and protect her unconditionally...even from your own parents if necessary.
Jerry Mathers 4 years ago
I think she was trying to come from a good place but I think lost perspective on this. She allowed her behavior to be dictated by people that, by her own admission, she isn't close with and whose values she didn't share. And what she inadvertently traded was protecting her step daughter. Conflict isn't always to be avoided. I think she could make this right by deleting the ones without the step-daughter, apologizing, sending the whole family photo, and being prepared to cut ties with the racist parents. She needs to show the step-daughter she has her back and will burn anyone down that comes after her on the basis of color.
Ozacoter 4 years ago
I agree. I think that she ment well and she genuinely wanted to shield her step daughter. But definitely she should not have done this. She should tell her parents to stfo or they wont see any of the grandkids. Not only for the poor girl but also the others kids. You dont want their disgusting ideas to be heard by them!
Load More Replies... Canadian in Cornwall 4 years ago
she's DEFINITELY the asshole ! Racist much? Imagine cow-towing to her racist parents instead of supporting that dear little girl! Just disgusting !!
Debbie Barnes 4 years ago (edited)
To be honest, I wouldn't even bother sending them a card. Children pick up when they're not as accepted as their brothers and sisters (speaking from experience), and so to even consider excluding her from a 'family' photo would really hurt her for many years to come. If you love a child and you're not racist, why would you even consider excluding her?
Walking On Sunshine 4 years ago
Man. That's bad. F*ck a racist. Can you imagine hurting this poor baby girls feelings because you want to protect the scummy racist? OP is just as bad. My kids didn't even know what the N-word was until they went to daycare. That lasted about three weeks.
Katchen 4 years ago
I’m so sorry that your kids learned the n-word at daycare!!! My kid learned the n-word from John Lewis’s comic book, March. We read it together so he could understand what it’s all about.
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