8 Unedited Photos And Stories About Body Insecurities

I get bullied about my nose a lot, I keep getting comments saying “If you get a nose job, you would look much better.”. I used to be insecure about my nose when I was younger until I watched an episode of the Tyra Banks Show back in grade 7. It literally changed my life and the way I look at myself and people. The title of the episode was “Rock your Ugly” which means that specific thing that you’re insecure about, is the one thing that makes you unique, celebrate it, rock it and be proud of it, because every single one of us has an insecurity, if we keep trying to change and hide it, we will all end up looking the same.

Well, I can’t hate anything I have, because it is a part of me, but what I do is I try to play around with what I wear to serve that certain area. Sometimes it’s more than one thing, but I can’t actually pick one because they’re all kind of equal. First, it would be my chest area. I know it would be silly for me to obsess over something like that as it’s just a body image, which with time I learned. But when I didn’t know better, it used to bother me a lot, and I come from a family where the women have a generous bust. That’s 9 women including my sisters and cousins, but I felt like they were too small. And when I used to be shy and shrug my shoulders it would be more noticeable and it made me feel more like a boy because I didn’t have that feminine part of me that says “hey I’m here”. It felt more like there was nothing there, which also affected my relationship being closer to boys than girls. I would say boys viewed me as a boy, but I believe it’s because I viewed myself this way, they felt it. One thing that bothered me as I was growing up, was my arm as well. When I was 11 months old I was sleeping near my older sister, about 7 years older than me, my brother had a fever, so my mom was with him all night. I fell off the bed and it was wintertime, and my arm was resting in between the spaces of the winter heater. It took time for mom to wake up and come to me and that’s why my arm was burnt. I remember wearing long sleeves, and half sleeves in the summer to hide it, and I would worry about the perception people would have when they see my arm because I’ve had kids get freaked out when they see it. But I also remember the last time that it actually bothered me. It was also the experience that led me to get over it. I was about 12 and was wearing a jeans jacket in the middle of the summer like I always did, but my sister told me that if I wanted to join her and her friends, I have to leave the jacket at home. I felt pressured at that moment but knew that having my sister beside made me feel safe. I then started building the confidence and accepted that it was fine, even my family would remind me that if I ever want to remove the burn marks, I can go for the surgery. Funny thing is that everyone who meets me finds it hard to asks me about my arm, but the reality is that it’s actually the last thing that bothers me now, and it probably masks the fact that I have other insecurities about my body. To be honest, nothing bothers as the fear of gaining back the weight I’ve lost, and it’s part of my motivation to stay active and watch my food. To some people I wasn’t fat, to others “I gained weight” and was “losing my figure”, but it’s what people say that sometimes get to you. But that was a tough journey for me because, besides what I was hearing from the people around me and my family, and sometimes jokes go a little too far, I figured out that I wasn’t gaining weight because I was just eating, especially since I had stopped junk food for 6 months before I’ve reached that stage. I realized that I was gaining it because of complications in my stomach, and once I had understood that I started losing weight because I was helping my body by stopping the food that wasn’t properly digesting in my stomach. But now I’m just left with some loose wiggly thighs and other parts of my body. My sister actually played a big part in me becoming comfortable with my body. I used to wear shorts to all-girls pool parties to hide, and she was always pushing me to lose the shorts, and eventually, that time came, as I grew older and started accepting that part of me. It just shows you that being in a different environment and around people that love you really changes your perspective on life.

When I was a child, I fell off the top bunk of my bed and broke my chin. I didn’t have the ability to communicate how much pain I was into my parents at the time, so it took them a while to actually take me to a hospital. I come from a small town in Egypt where the medical facilities aren’t that great, so the doctor just patched me up and sent me home without any regard for long term consequences. As I grew older, my face started to grow towards one side and my chin started to go off-center. And it’s not a slight deviation, it was clearly visible, like, you can’t miss it. It was frustrating growing up, not only because my face started to get deformed but also because all my family had really beautiful sharp jawlines. This deformation in my face started to really impact my confidence. Till now I choose which side to take photos from and if I really like a person I’ll sit on my prettier side while we’re having a conversation. I’ve actually never spoken about this to anyone who isn’t super close to me, so I’m hoping that by putting this story out there it’ll bring me to get over it. Because I really do want to get over it. In the past whenever I would tell anyone about it, I would feel really uncomfortable around that person and kind of distance myself from them because now “they know”. These days it’s actually not that obvious anymore, because I had fillers done a few years ago. You really have to concentrate to see it and if I don’t tell you about it then you probably would never notice. The fillers are just a quick fix and not a permanent solution. There’s a surgery that I could do but it’s quite major, expensive, and would cause a lot of bruising. The recovery time is really long and I’m just not in a point in my life where I’m ready to do that. You know when I talk about my chin, I think about people who are dying and starving in the world and it makes me feel so silly. But then I get even more insecure about it because I can’t talk about it in fear of people judging me for this little thing. But to me, it’s actually not little. It’s like when a child loses his teddy bear. It’s quite a big deal for the child but it’s insignificant the rest of the world. So, maybe I’ll get the surgery done when I retire or something, or maybe I won’t. I have no idea. Maybe I’ll be at peace with it one day and see myself as a beautiful woman.

I had a lot of physical insecurities growing up like thinking that I have a big nose or I was too dark. And then I hit puberty and I started getting body hair and zits and I saw people on TV and their skin and body were flawless. Then around 2005, I realized that my hair started thinning out and now I had a brand new thing I had to be conscious about. My hair was thinning out pretty slowly so it wasn’t too noticeable until a few years (thats what I think anyway). My hair or hairstyle was a huge part of my image and I always stressed out about my identity if I had to cut all my hair off. So I kind of kept the hair going for as long as I could. And then when I realized my hairline was going back to the back of your ears, I was like, “God, I don’t want to be one of those people who hold on to whatever hair they have left with this big bald spot on the top of their head!”. One day I woke up and decided that today was the day I was going to shave it all off. When I went to the barber and did the deed it was very liberating, I wasn’t going to let something like my hair (or the lack of) define who I am as a whole. Having to also deal with a skin condition called Seborrheic Dermatitis (a skin condition that causes dandruff-like spots to appear on your body especially the scalp. There is no cure for it) was and at times still is really stressful and the ironic part is that being stressed out makes the condition worse. I was always worried that people would see it and be disgusted by it. And now that my head is bald it is even more prominent, so at first, I was wearing caps and hats to hide the condition and it is something that I think about and stressed about on the daily. And It happens out of nowhere. Like when I’m on holiday my head would be perfect, then as soon as I come back to Dubai and I have to stress about the rent and my music it comes back full blast. So that really bothered me. I think at one point I was like, “I don’t want to go out because people might even see these blemishes think what kind of disease does he have?” But now I’m coming to terms with it. Its a process and I am beginning to control it, trying to live a healthy lifestyle, trying not to stress out too much, not caring too much what people think. I think sometimes we place such a huge burden on ourselves to look a certain way, be physically perfect in every way. And in this day and age we live in it is even more amplified. We place too much unrealistic importance on having distorted perfect physical attributes and we forget that the most important part is loving ourselves, all our perfect imperfections included, loving who you are as a human being and treating others the same way you want to be treated. Love yourself.

So I just gave birth. And of course I gained weight and I’m not the same size. During my first month after childbirth, I didn’t eat anything. I was on water and juice only and lost 15 kg. I was so scared. The stretch marks drama and oversized outfits got me depressed till about last month when I realized it doesn't matter. I stopped dieting and wore my loose clothes and embraced the fact that I just gave birth four months ago. Now I eat everything.

I never really had two different personas growing up. I kind of knew I was more in touch with my true self. It was clear early on when I started doing music and I knew l that I didn’t want anything to do with a job even to the point that I didn’t end up going to university, but then I had to find random jobs. The first thing I did was promoting cat food wearing a Garfield costume. And I guess a year or two down the line when my mother had cancer I was in a situation where I had to pay rent. I was 18/19 and I couldn’t afford rent other than a living room in someone else’s apartment. I remember that the rent was about 2000 dirhams a month. In the beginning, I was managing that amount from odd jobs I was doing like promoting products and working in a cinema. Then, of course, the seasons slowed down and I needed to sustain my mother to the point where she needed to have medical insurance because there was no way we were going to cover the bills. So that made me decide to take on a full-time job. That’s when the second persona began forming. I was in this office during the day becoming this corporate person because of the money but every single night I would transform into this other person where it’s all about the music; playing shows and pushing the band forward. And that was a very strong driver in who I was or who I am. And even today, when I would go into meetings or meet people the first thing they would say is “hey, what’s happening with Juliana Down?”. It’s actually becoming more of a burden to answer that question. Maybe because I feel like it’s a bit of a failure. Going back to the house story, I think the first time I started wearing my hat, how it was when we were touring in Spain and the UK. It developed into is becoming this other persona. So if I had corporate meetings I’d be in a suit without a hat but then going into like meetings with the band I would stop at a petrol station, change into my like band attire and the hat. I wouldn’t let anybody who knew me from the band world to see me in a suit. Even people who are close to me, for example, Karen, she’s not seen me in a suit. We were dealing with Audi for three years and we weren’t even together. So there was that sort of persona that I’ve managed to create to the point that people thought I was a full-time musician, and that was what I wanted. It was the kind of life that I was after. Anyway. Um, yeah, that interest kind of developed into more of the insecurity. Not so much that I don’t like the way my head looks or like my face looks or whatever. It’s a personality thing. There’s also the fact that I have no hair. I started losing my hair when I was about 18 so I decided to shave it off. It’s funny because when I go into a meeting without a hat now I feel I could look aggressive. Just because of the bald head. So that hat is kind of a barrier to tone me down as well. I feel like when I’m wearing the hat it’s the creative personality, the personality I want to be at, it’s not the guy in a suit. And it’s not about the hat itself, it’s the character who I was representing wearing the hat. The hat represented everything that is not corporate. It represented the creative life, the music and everything else that I was pursuing. So when I left insurance, I threw away every suit I owned and said to my self that for the next couple of years, whatever it is, I’m going to be working hard and try my best to be more successful wearing a t-shirt. Fast forward two years later, I think we’re doing okay.

I grew up as an only child with my dad and we had the occasional GF and sister come through. Yeah. My mom and I were separated when I was about five and I didn’t see her until I was 16. My dad was extremely strict. I was never allowed to do my eyebrows in school. All the girls got to do their hair and makeup and shave their arms and legs and go out. I was like the hairy, ugly, Harry Potter looking kid that everyone made fun of. None of the boys liked me. When I was in the 8th grade one boy said he liked me and made me believe him then later I found out that all my classmates were in on it and would make fun of me behind my back. So I developed this complex in my head that I’m ugly for a very long time. They didn’t know how abusive my household was or how my dad shaved off my eyebrow once because I tweezed them a little. Then when I grew older and I moved to St Mary’s on my last few years, I turned into the bully and always tried to be the “popular kid”. When I was 16 the headmistress noticed that I was disturbed and had a chat with me. I said that I wanted my mom and she made it a point to find her. My mom came to school and we planned my escape from my dad. I packed a garbage bag full of my books only and hid in a municipality dumpster in AL Khan till my mom and stepdad drove by and picked me up. She took me in with her husband and my two new stepbrothers literally did like this whole makeover for me. At that point my body was fine, but I still felt ugly. So I started to eat and I got really fat. I didn’t care how I looked. I was upset and angry all the time. I always felt that if I don’t have a boyfriend, I’m classified as ugly. So if a man doesn’t love me and I’m alone and I go out, I have no one to give me attention. So I needed to always have a boyfriend so that I can always feel secure with that person who thinks I’m pretty. I haven’t been single since I was 15. I’ve always, always had a boyfriend and they were all longterm; six years, four years, etc. And then I get stuck in it because I feel that he’s the only person that thinks I’m pretty. When I go out and I see girls I feel like I don’t fit in. They say hi and all, nothing’s wrong but in my head, I think these girls have their own groups and I don’t fit in. And like they all take photos of themselves, and she’s an influencer and she’s this and she’s that. And then I come home and I’m like, “should I get my nose done?” Like what do I need to do to be able to be one of those girls that go out and everyone finds pretty and wants to hang out with? I recently got a comment that I had a hairy face and so I went and I spent almost 10,000 dirhams on laser hair removal in the past 6 or 7 months with all these sessions I could’ve invested that money in my company. I could have done something else with it. It’s like that for me. If someone drops a comment like, “oh you look like you gained some weight” then I go into immediate starvation mode. But recently, I met a few new people in my life that have helped me see myself as a beautiful woman, and that’s the mindset that I’m growing into. Now I don’t mind someone taking a picture of my profile and seeing my big nose. What’s going to happen? Nothing. This is my nose. Photoshop won’t make me more beautiful. You’re still going to see me in real life. I going to look left and right and you’re going to see my nose. I can’t have a Photoshop filter on me all day, so why would I hide it? I used to always wear pants with a jacket tied around my waist. Now I’m like, who cares? I go out and get comments like “you gained weight.” I’m like “yeah, I did.” Or if there’s a photo of me with no makeup on, they’re like “oh, you look tired.” I’m like “no, I just didn’t put any makeup on.” Just because I didn’t put makeup on doesn’t mean I’m exhausted. This is my face! I mean don’t get me wrong, I don’t attempt to look worse, I do put some effort to look nice, I am a girl, after all, I just don’t let it get in my head. Everyone has their insecurities, but I think it got to a point where it depressed me. I was so close to getting a nose job then I decided that I’m going to accept myself for who I am. I also made the decision that I’m going to get rid of the idea that I need a man in my life to feel validated all the time. I’m quite exhausting as a girlfriend. I needed constant validation like “I love you, you’re beautiful” and all that. But now I’m starting to scale it back and talk to myself more and not put on so much make up. I actually threw away all my makeup. I only have four things I put on my face all the time.