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After Losing My Child At Birth, I Decided To Break The Taboo Around Child-Loss And Grief
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After Losing My Child At Birth, I Decided To Break The Taboo Around Child-Loss And Grief

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After our son Phoenix died during labour, I began to document the relationship between him and his two living brothers through beautiful images created in photoshop, allowing my imagination to be brought to life.

Anyone who has lost a child knows, it leaves an indelible imprint on your life from that moment on. My life was split into the before and after, and in the loss community, there is a lot of talk about the ‘new normal’ because there is simply no going back to the person you used to be after losing a child.

More info: thevisualstoryteller.co.uk | Facebook | Instagram

Shattered

I added a nod to Phoenix in photos, from our living sons besotted with a jar of glowing butterflies, to a teddy bear being sent to heaven on his birthday. These images helped make me feel like in some small way, he was still a part of our family, and showed the rest of the world, that he would never be forgotten.

Broken

When invited to take part in The traveling dress project, I realized it was the perfect opportunity to do a project on grief that would speak to a wider audience.

My son

I was on a retreat with other photographers at a beautiful old English stately home called Rooksbury Manor in Portsmouth England. The light-infused orangery filled me with inspiration and provided beautiful back-light and reflections.

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If only…

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I was aware that child-loss and grief sound like morbid topics, but I wanted the imagery to be beautiful, and help break the taboo. So many people have reached out to me over the years as I talk openly about our son, the love we have for him, and how they have been able to open up about their own experiences of loss and grief because of my honesty.

We love you, brother

By creating beautiful art and imagery that people can relate to I hope viewers will feel a kinship, a shared connection that may make them feel less lonely and isolated, and even give some the power to talk about something they may have bottled up inside. I’m not sure if I’ve achieved that, but hopefully, some people will relate to the feelings I’ve tried to convey.

The oppressive mist

I was surprised and honored after being contacted by an American author who wanted to use one of my personal images, a composite created for Phoenix’s 3rd birthday, for an upcoming book on bereavement and memory through photography. I think this shows the power that photography, and social media, can have. That someone I have never met, who lives on the other side of the Atlantic, has not only seen and been touched by my image but wants to share it to convey the feeling to others.

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Birthday in the Sky

Whether you have experienced a personal loss or not, I hope you feel something when you see my images, and maybe in the future, you will be able to talk more openly to people you know about it, rather than trying to hide from a painful subject.

Lost

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I now take commissions to create similar works of art, shadow photos, and storytelling images that bridge reality and the imagination for people from my Hertfordshire based studio. I hope that they will feel as strong a connection to the images I create from their own stories as I do from mine.

Family

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veni_vidi_vicky avatar
Vicky Zar
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The last one reminds me of this beautifull statue "the child that was never born". I lost a child too. My first. She died 2 weeks before her due date. You are right. It will never be like before, I will never be like before. Its a devastating experience.

monika-georgieva-378 avatar
Monika Georgieva
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sorry if you find my comment irrelevant, but the article really touched me. I'm really sorry for what you've been through. I try to look philosophically on such events and on life to comfort my feelings a bit with a reason. There's a belief some new age theories propose that we as souls decide before coming to Earth how to come and how to go. According to it the child's soul has agreed with the parent's soul when to come and go in order to help the parents learn things and so on. I used to comfort myself and believe in this after things happened in my life. My best friend and also uncle committed suicide. I remember the unbearable pain of my grandparents, losing their son after so many memories and my mom, losing her brother. Shortly after he came in a dream asking how's family doing and insisting I tell them to not worry and that he's ok. These days they talk calmly and openly about it, but still... they're not the same people anymore

au-coin-de-la-page avatar
Linouchka 99
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm wondering about this topic. I've read many testimonials from parents telling stories about their very young kids telling them where they came from, how they chose them as their parents from above, how it was before their birth, where they were, etc etc. So, I'm now questioning the old saying that no kid choses to be born... Another thing I'm wondering about is this : I had an abortion 12 years ago (reasons are irrelevant), and now I just had a baby that's a few days old. I wonder if my son is the same soul that I did not allow to be born twelve years ago and came back to us, or if he's another one... Actually, I became pregnant just a few weeks after I asked this one child for forgiveness for not letting it be born, and begging it to come back to us (we were trying to conceive for almost five years at that time), and so I felt like the forgiveness was given and the child was the same. But I don't know for sure... What do you think ?

Load More Replies...
puggyparty101 avatar
PAN-cake ;)
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mom had a miscarriage. I was supposed to have an older sister. She doesnt talk about it and im scared of making her sad.

alanatrevino1 avatar
dogsandcellos
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mother didn't have a miscarriage, but she delivered the baby months too early, and he died the day after his birth. I was supposed to have another older brother. I know how it feels to grieve over someone you never meant.

Load More Replies...
s2051227 avatar
Ruth Toyoshima
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It’s so beautiful. Having lost a baby 6 days after birth, you never really recover from the loss. You have captured the heartbreak so intensely

joannelewis avatar
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm so sorry for your devastating loss, thank you for saying that I captured the emotions x

Load More Replies...
nadineg avatar
Nadine Elizabeth Gibbons
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Joanne, my deepest sympathy to you and your extended family, so many people do not realise the reverberations of a still birth, in my case our daughter's death caused her 15 year old brother to go off the rails for 2 years - so much so I feared I would bury him too, and her younger brother - aged 5 at the time of her birth manifested anxiety and depression in his teens and still has trouble. You may think that well, maybe both boys were headed that way anyway, but my eldest had so looked forward to the arrival of his sister that he had told friends at school, and when she died, I received the most amazing phone calls from his friends calling to offer us sympathy. Teens actually do get it. In the same kindy class as my 5 year old, there was another family just like us, but they chose not to try for another child. Choosing to have another child was the hardest best thing I ever did for 2 years later we brought our last child into the world. Thank you for your art.

joannelewis avatar
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Wow Nadine, thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for the effect it had on your boys. My eldest was 2.5 when we lost Phoenix, He met him and cuddled him and talks of him often. We did go through a phase a few years ago when he began to really ponder about death and why phoenix had to die... it was heartbreaking and used to set me off that he too was so affected. I hope that your family all found a way out of the darkness xxx

Load More Replies...
jmchoto avatar
Jo Choto
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There is nothing more terrible or heartbreaking in this whole world than losing a child. My heart goes out to you. It's important that people continue to speak about the children they have lost, because they are as important and as loved as the children who live.

joannelewis avatar
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I wish everyone believed the children we can't see are as important as those we can x

Load More Replies...
sarahbb avatar
Sarah Brinsfield
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm sorry for your loss and what you went through and continue to endure. Thank you for posting this beautiful yet painful part of your life.

mgutierrez137 avatar
Mad Haberdasheress
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I lost my sweet little girl at birth also, three years ago on Saturday. I also have two happy, healthy sons who both grieved the loss with me and celebrate their little sister with me now. It changed me forever but it also inspired me to grow in ways I never would have otherwise. All of my love and good feelings for you!

saranicole avatar
Sara Nicole
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Thank you for sharing these images you work it's beautiful . And to the mother , is very brave bringing these taboo AND IT'S VERY INSPIRING TO EVERY PERSON THAT HAVE LOST SOMEONE..

joannelewis avatar
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Thank you. I'm sorry for the loss of your brother and how it affected you... We try to be very open in our family and my boys talk about there brother a lot and include him in stories and games, but I always wonder what affect this may have on them as they grow.

Load More Replies...
saranicole avatar
Sara Nicole
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It´s so powerful seeing these images .. I'm not a mother , but I lost a brother when my mum was pregnant with 6 months . I never had meet him of course , but I felt very sad because I was expecting a little brother that I wanted to much . Bu parents didn´t talk to much about that .. and since then I develop a very strong connection with every child I knew to hide the pain I was feeling of not having something that I expected so much . Now after 13 years , I know how important was to my parents talk about that , even if I was a child. I know my parents were very sad , but I was as well . The abortion taboo it's something human should talk about more .. Of course we don'r understand why a born child , dies right after ( I mean where is the thing we are all have a mission here on earth ? It's death is something that scares a lot of people ...but is should´t .. after all we just spiritual beings having a human experiences . And for some of us , it it´s soon that we expect .

alessioangiolillo avatar
Ale_Vidal23
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

oh man... i cannot even imagine how this must feel... keeping the baby in memory like that is so wholesome, yet it breaks my heart.. i'm really sorry..

vsswift avatar
Victoria Swift
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ugh. I am pregnant and it started off as twins. One didn't make it. I had to watch on the ultrasound each time I got a checkup as it slowly disappeared. Worst feeling ever. Unless you live it, people don't realize how it impacts you. Thanks for talking about this. Honestly, I feel like current culture tries to pressure us not to mourn miscarriages and stillborns openly because then it acknowledges the mother/unborn child bond that exists. The pro-choice movement is almost militant about claiming their is no bond and it doesn't effect the woman. In doing so it completely undermines and delegitamizes OUR experience and grief. It's cruel.

sergfer12 avatar
Sergio Fernández
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I feel your loss but ..https://www.jw.org/en/publications/videos/intros-for-the-ministry/is-there-hope-for-the-dead-intro/

hrr311 avatar
Helena R
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When I worked in the microbiology dept of my local hospital I got a true sense of how often this actually occurs. I think the worst part was that when I came to have my own child, and at antenatal class they asked about our fears of childbirth. I raised my hand and said my biggest fear was stillbirth or neonatal death. The midwife would not discuss it in the class and told me if I wanted to talk about it I'd have to wait until everyone else had gone

shireen_2 avatar
joannelewis avatar
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Well, That was not my original title... but... In my case, and that of many of my friends, people didn't seem to know how to talk to me, to the extent that I witnessed someone crossing the road when they saw me, and being shunned from my main group of friends who over time completely excluded me... People feel sorry for you and also unable to relate. I only have a few friends left from before we lost Phoenix, and I was left feeling hurt, lonely and abandoned. People who I have met since my loss have been far more open and understanding, possibly because they didn't know me before and how it changed me?

Load More Replies...
veni_vidi_vicky avatar
Vicky Zar
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The last one reminds me of this beautifull statue "the child that was never born". I lost a child too. My first. She died 2 weeks before her due date. You are right. It will never be like before, I will never be like before. Its a devastating experience.

monika-georgieva-378 avatar
Monika Georgieva
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sorry if you find my comment irrelevant, but the article really touched me. I'm really sorry for what you've been through. I try to look philosophically on such events and on life to comfort my feelings a bit with a reason. There's a belief some new age theories propose that we as souls decide before coming to Earth how to come and how to go. According to it the child's soul has agreed with the parent's soul when to come and go in order to help the parents learn things and so on. I used to comfort myself and believe in this after things happened in my life. My best friend and also uncle committed suicide. I remember the unbearable pain of my grandparents, losing their son after so many memories and my mom, losing her brother. Shortly after he came in a dream asking how's family doing and insisting I tell them to not worry and that he's ok. These days they talk calmly and openly about it, but still... they're not the same people anymore

au-coin-de-la-page avatar
Linouchka 99
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm wondering about this topic. I've read many testimonials from parents telling stories about their very young kids telling them where they came from, how they chose them as their parents from above, how it was before their birth, where they were, etc etc. So, I'm now questioning the old saying that no kid choses to be born... Another thing I'm wondering about is this : I had an abortion 12 years ago (reasons are irrelevant), and now I just had a baby that's a few days old. I wonder if my son is the same soul that I did not allow to be born twelve years ago and came back to us, or if he's another one... Actually, I became pregnant just a few weeks after I asked this one child for forgiveness for not letting it be born, and begging it to come back to us (we were trying to conceive for almost five years at that time), and so I felt like the forgiveness was given and the child was the same. But I don't know for sure... What do you think ?

Load More Replies...
puggyparty101 avatar
PAN-cake ;)
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mom had a miscarriage. I was supposed to have an older sister. She doesnt talk about it and im scared of making her sad.

alanatrevino1 avatar
dogsandcellos
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mother didn't have a miscarriage, but she delivered the baby months too early, and he died the day after his birth. I was supposed to have another older brother. I know how it feels to grieve over someone you never meant.

Load More Replies...
s2051227 avatar
Ruth Toyoshima
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It’s so beautiful. Having lost a baby 6 days after birth, you never really recover from the loss. You have captured the heartbreak so intensely

joannelewis avatar
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm so sorry for your devastating loss, thank you for saying that I captured the emotions x

Load More Replies...
nadineg avatar
Nadine Elizabeth Gibbons
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Joanne, my deepest sympathy to you and your extended family, so many people do not realise the reverberations of a still birth, in my case our daughter's death caused her 15 year old brother to go off the rails for 2 years - so much so I feared I would bury him too, and her younger brother - aged 5 at the time of her birth manifested anxiety and depression in his teens and still has trouble. You may think that well, maybe both boys were headed that way anyway, but my eldest had so looked forward to the arrival of his sister that he had told friends at school, and when she died, I received the most amazing phone calls from his friends calling to offer us sympathy. Teens actually do get it. In the same kindy class as my 5 year old, there was another family just like us, but they chose not to try for another child. Choosing to have another child was the hardest best thing I ever did for 2 years later we brought our last child into the world. Thank you for your art.

joannelewis avatar
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Wow Nadine, thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for the effect it had on your boys. My eldest was 2.5 when we lost Phoenix, He met him and cuddled him and talks of him often. We did go through a phase a few years ago when he began to really ponder about death and why phoenix had to die... it was heartbreaking and used to set me off that he too was so affected. I hope that your family all found a way out of the darkness xxx

Load More Replies...
jmchoto avatar
Jo Choto
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There is nothing more terrible or heartbreaking in this whole world than losing a child. My heart goes out to you. It's important that people continue to speak about the children they have lost, because they are as important and as loved as the children who live.

joannelewis avatar
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I wish everyone believed the children we can't see are as important as those we can x

Load More Replies...
sarahbb avatar
Sarah Brinsfield
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm sorry for your loss and what you went through and continue to endure. Thank you for posting this beautiful yet painful part of your life.

mgutierrez137 avatar
Mad Haberdasheress
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I lost my sweet little girl at birth also, three years ago on Saturday. I also have two happy, healthy sons who both grieved the loss with me and celebrate their little sister with me now. It changed me forever but it also inspired me to grow in ways I never would have otherwise. All of my love and good feelings for you!

saranicole avatar
Sara Nicole
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Thank you for sharing these images you work it's beautiful . And to the mother , is very brave bringing these taboo AND IT'S VERY INSPIRING TO EVERY PERSON THAT HAVE LOST SOMEONE..

joannelewis avatar
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Thank you. I'm sorry for the loss of your brother and how it affected you... We try to be very open in our family and my boys talk about there brother a lot and include him in stories and games, but I always wonder what affect this may have on them as they grow.

Load More Replies...
saranicole avatar
Sara Nicole
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It´s so powerful seeing these images .. I'm not a mother , but I lost a brother when my mum was pregnant with 6 months . I never had meet him of course , but I felt very sad because I was expecting a little brother that I wanted to much . Bu parents didn´t talk to much about that .. and since then I develop a very strong connection with every child I knew to hide the pain I was feeling of not having something that I expected so much . Now after 13 years , I know how important was to my parents talk about that , even if I was a child. I know my parents were very sad , but I was as well . The abortion taboo it's something human should talk about more .. Of course we don'r understand why a born child , dies right after ( I mean where is the thing we are all have a mission here on earth ? It's death is something that scares a lot of people ...but is should´t .. after all we just spiritual beings having a human experiences . And for some of us , it it´s soon that we expect .

alessioangiolillo avatar
Ale_Vidal23
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

oh man... i cannot even imagine how this must feel... keeping the baby in memory like that is so wholesome, yet it breaks my heart.. i'm really sorry..

vsswift avatar
Victoria Swift
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ugh. I am pregnant and it started off as twins. One didn't make it. I had to watch on the ultrasound each time I got a checkup as it slowly disappeared. Worst feeling ever. Unless you live it, people don't realize how it impacts you. Thanks for talking about this. Honestly, I feel like current culture tries to pressure us not to mourn miscarriages and stillborns openly because then it acknowledges the mother/unborn child bond that exists. The pro-choice movement is almost militant about claiming their is no bond and it doesn't effect the woman. In doing so it completely undermines and delegitamizes OUR experience and grief. It's cruel.

sergfer12 avatar
Sergio Fernández
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I feel your loss but ..https://www.jw.org/en/publications/videos/intros-for-the-ministry/is-there-hope-for-the-dead-intro/

hrr311 avatar
Helena R
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When I worked in the microbiology dept of my local hospital I got a true sense of how often this actually occurs. I think the worst part was that when I came to have my own child, and at antenatal class they asked about our fears of childbirth. I raised my hand and said my biggest fear was stillbirth or neonatal death. The midwife would not discuss it in the class and told me if I wanted to talk about it I'd have to wait until everyone else had gone

shireen_2 avatar
joannelewis avatar
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Well, That was not my original title... but... In my case, and that of many of my friends, people didn't seem to know how to talk to me, to the extent that I witnessed someone crossing the road when they saw me, and being shunned from my main group of friends who over time completely excluded me... People feel sorry for you and also unable to relate. I only have a few friends left from before we lost Phoenix, and I was left feeling hurt, lonely and abandoned. People who I have met since my loss have been far more open and understanding, possibly because they didn't know me before and how it changed me?

Load More Replies...
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