“My Husband Wants Us To Punish Layla”: Parents Disagree Over Whether To Punish 7 Y.O. For “Cheating On Boyfriend”
Childhood relationships are super cute. They are very shy and excited about their new “boyfriend” or “girlfriend.” It helps them learn more about close relationships and friendships without risk. It also has many lessons about treating others kindly, not sharing their secrets, leaving them behind or otherwise hurting them.
But what if the kids do hurt each other? Should parents step in and teach them a lesson, punishing them, or should they let the kids figure it out? Reddit mom u/EfficientAd4006 shares her kid’s story about “cheating” in a relationship and how she and her husband disagree about the consequences of this.
More info: Reddit
Hearing that your primary school age child has a girlfriend or boyfriend may be surprising, but it’s cute and a good learning experience for them
Image credits: Lara604 (not the actual photo)
A mom wants to know if she’s wrong to not punish her 7 Y.O. for “cheating” on her boyfriend, i.e. holding hands and giving gifts to another kid too
Image credits: EfficientAd4006
OP’s husband wanted to punish Layla, to which the mom refused, thinking it isn’t that serious, but the father said that she was “raising a cheater”
The Original Poster (OP) begins the story by saying that she has a 7-year-old daughter named Layla with her husband. Layla got her first boyfriend, named Lucas, several months ago. As they are 7, their relationship is limited to holding hands and giving cute gifts to each other such as drawings of hearts for Valentine’s Day.
The trouble arose when Layla was spotted holding hands with another boy, who also sent her Valentine’s day cards. Lucas was upset by this, and Layla and her family were informed about this by the “boyfriend’s” parents, informing them that Lucas wouldn’t be coming over during the weekend because he was mad at Layla.
This sparked a conflict between the parents because the dad wants to punish Layla and have a serious conversation with her about being faithful. The mom thought that he was kidding at first, but was surprised to find that he was actually serious. The father says that Layla cheated on Lucas and that OP should do something about it for some reason.
The mom dug her heels in, saying that she refuses to discipline her as Layla is 7, not a cheater, and that it’s not that serious. The husband then escalated, accusing her of “raising a cheater” and encouraging Layla’s behavior. At this point, the mom wanted some more input on the situation and asked the internet whether she was a jerk for not disciplining Layla in this case.
Image credits: B&M Stores (not the actual photo)
For this article, Bored Panda got in touch with Dr. Emily Edlynn to ask for advice for parents who find themselves in similar situations. Emily has a Master’s and Doctorate degree in clinical psychology. She has a small private practice with children, teenagers, and adults, specializing in health psychology, striving to help modern families find calm in the chaos of modern parenting.
You can read more about her on her website, where you can also preorder her book about autonomy-supportive parenting strategies.
When asked whether parents should encourage or discourage their children from getting into play relationships, Emily suggested that parents stay open to their kids exploring play relationships. As each child will approach this differently, it’s important to accept children’s curiosity and interests, as it allows them to develop naturally instead of them feeling pressure to act one way or another.
If you were wondering what you should talk to your child about when you see them exploring relationships, Dr. Emily has you covered. You should bring up the importance of consent and communicate to them that they should always have a choice and give a choice when it comes to physical interactions.
For example, ensure that the child wants to hold hands with another child and they aren’t just doing it “to be nice.” If a child wants to hold hands with another child, teach them to ensure that the other person is okay with it by asking, “is it okay if I hold your hand?” These lessons, at an early age, lay down a solid foundation for a child having agency over their own body and respecting the agency of others at the same time.
As for the emotional part of children’s first crushes, a parent can show curiosity about their child’s experience and understanding of the relationship by asking open-ended questions like “what does it mean if you hold hands with someone else?” If they use the words “girlfriend” or “boyfriend,” ask, “how is that different from your other friends?”
The answers from the child’s perspective are important because adults have more sophisticated understandings of relationships that children aren’t ready for. It’s best to see them described by the child, with their terms.
Finally, if parents disagree about their children’s relationships, they should do it in private, away from their child, Dr. Emily says. It’s also important to consider that we bring our own emotions and unresolved issues into parenting, so it’s important to be open about what may be emotionally triggering in a parenting situation.
Image credits: Janine (not the actual photo)
Children getting into relationships is good for them as it is very educational, helping them see what people are like, what they like, and learning not to hurt others with inconsiderate behavior. But what are the things that you should look out for? What is an appropriate age for your kids to start having playdates, and when should you have a serious conversation about it with them? An article by PureWow dives into this issue.
After being asked when it is too early for a child to start dating, the experts say that our definitions of “boyfriend’ or “girlfriend” may have a different meaning to us than to our children. People define these concepts differently at every stage of life, so you should both clearly communicate what you mean. Alas, there is no specific age when kids should start having relationships, as it varies highly depending on the child’s maturity.
If your child comes back from school with a new “significant other” and they tell you that they’ve kissed, you shouldn’t be alarmed. It’s important to understand that from the kid’s perspective, the kiss was not malicious or sexual. These relationships and actions are far more innocent and less serious than we consider them to be. This could also be a good moment for you to talk about boundaries, consent and other topics related to relationships.
Finally, how should you decide when your child is old enough to date? You should weigh whether they are mature enough for it. Do they understand what a relationship is? How to handle themselves and others, and how to set boundaries? There is no one solution for every child, and you should take your child’s maturity and feelings into consideration first and foremost.
The post collected more than 27 thousand upvotes and almost 3 thousand comments in less than 4 days. The thread was soon locked by the moderators, as the discussion must’ve gotten too heated for the subreddit. The commenters decided that OP was not the jerk, with most commenting on the strangeness of the father’s views.
The commenters were stunned by this situation, backing OP up, but suggesting that it would be worthwhile to talk about boundaries and feelings with the daughter
41Kviews
Share on FacebookFor everyone saying mom should talk to Layla about why Lucas had his feelings hurt, just make sure Layla also knows she is not responsible for making Lucas happy. It's possible Layla didn't even know they were in a "relationship" and was just being friendly.
@Squirrelly Panda: this was exactly my thought. Tell the little girl about hurt feelings but make it absolutely clear that she is not the source for somebody else's happiness. Especially in this case, as I've the strong feeling that the father (if having a boy instead of a daughter) would have cheered that "his little lad has more than one admirer"!
Load More Replies...I work with kids under 10. They are bothered when they are pressured to have 'crushes' or are teased about having a 'crush'. They feel pressured to stop being a kid and to embrace adult-like relationships they don't understand and don't feel ready for. So, we have decided that a KID CRUSH is a thing. It isn't like a Teen Crush where you want to hug and smooch and stare dreamily into someone's eyes. A Kid Crush is a strong interest in another kid (gender doesn't matter) because they are so cool and interesting. They are a best friend in the making. A Kid Crush is someone you really want to play with, show your collections to, and invite to every fun event because you just enjoy their company so much. And that is perfectly normal and actually worth encouraging. So, I teach my kids to identify and advocate for Kid Crushes and to shut down those meanies who try to push teen crushes onto them.
as someone with an aroace best friend, she didn't understand crushes, and thought what you call "kid crushes" were normal crushes. We now refer to them as squishes, because we all see someone and are like OMG I WANT TO BE FRIENDS plus it gives it a cute name lol.
Load More Replies...There are so many comments about how it's not cheating because they're 7. All make a good point but miss the really creepy part of this: In what world would it be the parents' job to punish their children for how they behave in a relationship?! This screems the idea that a daughter is owned by her father until she's owned by a man. I would not want to raise a child with this man.
Right?! And maybe Lucas’ parents need to teach him how to talk about feeling hurt about something.
Load More Replies...I'm tired of these types of straight people BS 😒🙄 Geez. The kid is 7 ffs. Yikes
I don't get it, "it's the mother's job" to intervene? Anyway, obviously the boy is already punishing her by not coming to playdate so that's taken care of. What a weirdo.
No, Layla doesn't need talking to about Lucas' feelings -- she's not his property, and his feelings are HIS responsibility, not hers.
No. Explaining why he feels hurt is the best course. But to act like it doesn't concern the daughter that the other kids feelings were hurt is just b******t.
Load More Replies...I think something's wrong with the father for framing a 7-year-old friendship in these terms. 7-year-olds are not capable of making decisions to be in a committed relationship, and why he would even use that language for his very young daughter's friendships is beyond me. It feels gross. You can explain to her why her friend is upset but by no means does she need to alter her behavior or apologize. This dad sounds like he needs help. I worry about this girl as she gets older. When she gives Valentine's cards to all her classmates does he considering that cheating too?
When I was a kid, we were told that if we gave one kid in class a Valentine, we HAD to give them to everyone, so no one would feel excluded.
Load More Replies...No. She’s a 7 year old girl. She can hold hands with whoever she feels like in the moment. She’s not betrothed and has no obligation, and certainly none that she’s been party to. Lucas feels unhappy cos he feels possessive. He’s also 7, and can’t be blamed, but it could be a really good start of s conversation about feelings with him -lord knows that boys get precious little discussion about that as it is. In any case Lucas’ feelings are not her responsibility
My 6yo son and 6yo nephew have been arguing over who gets to marry their Nana, but constantly remind me and my sister they'll always be our boyfriends. LOL kids are weird. I had me first boyfriend in 1st grade, his name was Winston and we ate fog together. That was the basis of our entire relationship. We liked to eat fog. My 3rd grade boyfriend wanted me to join him in the Power Rangers. We were gonna help save the world, but he was kinda gross and played with his snot after blowing his nose. That relationship was short lived. Kids don't understand the complexities of adult relationships. All they put together is the person makes them happy and (presumably) the adults in their life, and/or tv, show them that when you are happy with someone you hold their hands, give em valentine's, eat fog, share the brownie from your lunch, etc.
my first boyfriend was when I was in preschool lol. I even slept over at his house a few times. We're still friends too
Load More Replies...While I don't think it's serious enough to have to punish a 7 year old for this. The parents should teach her what it means when Lucas is upset that she's playing with another boy. I don't like kids saying "boyfriend/girlfriend" in the beginning. But I think it's a teeny intro for kids to understand others' feelings.
my sister is also 7, last year she said "Luca is my boyfriend" but she never even talked to him a day in her life, i said "you should talk to him since ur dating " and she said "well, hes kinda mean" and i said "i dont think you should date a mean person" and my parents told me to shut up and let her think what she wants, am i truly the a**hole?
Not at all Ashen, as far as I think, you did right. "i dont think you should date a mean person" should be imprinted in many poeple's mind. Good for you.
Load More Replies...Are the straights okay? They are seven, it's obviously just a game for them. And they are playing all those "relationship" and "wedding" games only because adults impose those concepts on them
Of course she's not a 'cheater' - she's a child but I would talk to her about why Lucas feels upset. A teachable moment, if you ask me.
7 year olds don't have boyfriends and girlfriends. They have carpet time and play buddies of the opposite sex they may have a crush on, but that's it. It lasts until one of them gets sick of the other, which is a week tops.
i had a preschool boyfriend and i got married in second grade to two different people. i didn't even like them i just liked the idea of it lmao
The bottom of the barrel must be pristine from scrapping. The husband is an idiot and child abuser.
Well, to the 7 year olds themselves, this was very serious, and they were in a "real" relationship, which they had mutually agreed on and publicly announced. The adults should take it as seriously as the kids, rather than hand-wavy rewriting it as fake or meaningless because of their age. As such, yes, Layla did cheat because she wanted extra attention and presents. The parents should speak with her about how her behavior is harmful and disappointing and have her apologize to Lucas. They should also say she cannot be in relationships until she is more mature, though whether they frame that as "punishment" or not is up to them.
So...by this dude's logic I was a cheating tramp for giving all my classmates valentines as a kid?
They don't even really have boyfriends and girlfriends this is dumb. That's say that but it means nothing to them
Seriously? A 7 year old is a 'cheater'? How absolutely bloody ridiculous. She is going to love lots of people all at the same time. If she's in a 'relationship' at the age of 7 then shame on her and the boys parents
Husband is way off base and needs therapy and needs to read books on child development and psychology. He is projecting on his daughter at best. At worst he's a big fat misogynistic sexist. Layla did nothing wrong.
I can't believe what I'm reading???? This has to be in America! OMG that husband/dad has to be an absolute nightmare to live with!!! He's disgusting if he wants her to be punished and is probably not being nice to his daughter either. I can't cope with this madness. HOLDING HANDS IS CHEATING AT THE AGE OF 7 Get a life Dad
"That behavior" is normal child behavior. A 7 year old has no idea what being a boyfriend or girlfriend means. Stop projecting your own c**p onto children.
Load More Replies...For everyone saying mom should talk to Layla about why Lucas had his feelings hurt, just make sure Layla also knows she is not responsible for making Lucas happy. It's possible Layla didn't even know they were in a "relationship" and was just being friendly.
@Squirrelly Panda: this was exactly my thought. Tell the little girl about hurt feelings but make it absolutely clear that she is not the source for somebody else's happiness. Especially in this case, as I've the strong feeling that the father (if having a boy instead of a daughter) would have cheered that "his little lad has more than one admirer"!
Load More Replies...I work with kids under 10. They are bothered when they are pressured to have 'crushes' or are teased about having a 'crush'. They feel pressured to stop being a kid and to embrace adult-like relationships they don't understand and don't feel ready for. So, we have decided that a KID CRUSH is a thing. It isn't like a Teen Crush where you want to hug and smooch and stare dreamily into someone's eyes. A Kid Crush is a strong interest in another kid (gender doesn't matter) because they are so cool and interesting. They are a best friend in the making. A Kid Crush is someone you really want to play with, show your collections to, and invite to every fun event because you just enjoy their company so much. And that is perfectly normal and actually worth encouraging. So, I teach my kids to identify and advocate for Kid Crushes and to shut down those meanies who try to push teen crushes onto them.
as someone with an aroace best friend, she didn't understand crushes, and thought what you call "kid crushes" were normal crushes. We now refer to them as squishes, because we all see someone and are like OMG I WANT TO BE FRIENDS plus it gives it a cute name lol.
Load More Replies...There are so many comments about how it's not cheating because they're 7. All make a good point but miss the really creepy part of this: In what world would it be the parents' job to punish their children for how they behave in a relationship?! This screems the idea that a daughter is owned by her father until she's owned by a man. I would not want to raise a child with this man.
Right?! And maybe Lucas’ parents need to teach him how to talk about feeling hurt about something.
Load More Replies...I'm tired of these types of straight people BS 😒🙄 Geez. The kid is 7 ffs. Yikes
I don't get it, "it's the mother's job" to intervene? Anyway, obviously the boy is already punishing her by not coming to playdate so that's taken care of. What a weirdo.
No, Layla doesn't need talking to about Lucas' feelings -- she's not his property, and his feelings are HIS responsibility, not hers.
No. Explaining why he feels hurt is the best course. But to act like it doesn't concern the daughter that the other kids feelings were hurt is just b******t.
Load More Replies...I think something's wrong with the father for framing a 7-year-old friendship in these terms. 7-year-olds are not capable of making decisions to be in a committed relationship, and why he would even use that language for his very young daughter's friendships is beyond me. It feels gross. You can explain to her why her friend is upset but by no means does she need to alter her behavior or apologize. This dad sounds like he needs help. I worry about this girl as she gets older. When she gives Valentine's cards to all her classmates does he considering that cheating too?
When I was a kid, we were told that if we gave one kid in class a Valentine, we HAD to give them to everyone, so no one would feel excluded.
Load More Replies...No. She’s a 7 year old girl. She can hold hands with whoever she feels like in the moment. She’s not betrothed and has no obligation, and certainly none that she’s been party to. Lucas feels unhappy cos he feels possessive. He’s also 7, and can’t be blamed, but it could be a really good start of s conversation about feelings with him -lord knows that boys get precious little discussion about that as it is. In any case Lucas’ feelings are not her responsibility
My 6yo son and 6yo nephew have been arguing over who gets to marry their Nana, but constantly remind me and my sister they'll always be our boyfriends. LOL kids are weird. I had me first boyfriend in 1st grade, his name was Winston and we ate fog together. That was the basis of our entire relationship. We liked to eat fog. My 3rd grade boyfriend wanted me to join him in the Power Rangers. We were gonna help save the world, but he was kinda gross and played with his snot after blowing his nose. That relationship was short lived. Kids don't understand the complexities of adult relationships. All they put together is the person makes them happy and (presumably) the adults in their life, and/or tv, show them that when you are happy with someone you hold their hands, give em valentine's, eat fog, share the brownie from your lunch, etc.
my first boyfriend was when I was in preschool lol. I even slept over at his house a few times. We're still friends too
Load More Replies...While I don't think it's serious enough to have to punish a 7 year old for this. The parents should teach her what it means when Lucas is upset that she's playing with another boy. I don't like kids saying "boyfriend/girlfriend" in the beginning. But I think it's a teeny intro for kids to understand others' feelings.
my sister is also 7, last year she said "Luca is my boyfriend" but she never even talked to him a day in her life, i said "you should talk to him since ur dating " and she said "well, hes kinda mean" and i said "i dont think you should date a mean person" and my parents told me to shut up and let her think what she wants, am i truly the a**hole?
Not at all Ashen, as far as I think, you did right. "i dont think you should date a mean person" should be imprinted in many poeple's mind. Good for you.
Load More Replies...Are the straights okay? They are seven, it's obviously just a game for them. And they are playing all those "relationship" and "wedding" games only because adults impose those concepts on them
Of course she's not a 'cheater' - she's a child but I would talk to her about why Lucas feels upset. A teachable moment, if you ask me.
7 year olds don't have boyfriends and girlfriends. They have carpet time and play buddies of the opposite sex they may have a crush on, but that's it. It lasts until one of them gets sick of the other, which is a week tops.
i had a preschool boyfriend and i got married in second grade to two different people. i didn't even like them i just liked the idea of it lmao
The bottom of the barrel must be pristine from scrapping. The husband is an idiot and child abuser.
Well, to the 7 year olds themselves, this was very serious, and they were in a "real" relationship, which they had mutually agreed on and publicly announced. The adults should take it as seriously as the kids, rather than hand-wavy rewriting it as fake or meaningless because of their age. As such, yes, Layla did cheat because she wanted extra attention and presents. The parents should speak with her about how her behavior is harmful and disappointing and have her apologize to Lucas. They should also say she cannot be in relationships until she is more mature, though whether they frame that as "punishment" or not is up to them.
So...by this dude's logic I was a cheating tramp for giving all my classmates valentines as a kid?
They don't even really have boyfriends and girlfriends this is dumb. That's say that but it means nothing to them
Seriously? A 7 year old is a 'cheater'? How absolutely bloody ridiculous. She is going to love lots of people all at the same time. If she's in a 'relationship' at the age of 7 then shame on her and the boys parents
Husband is way off base and needs therapy and needs to read books on child development and psychology. He is projecting on his daughter at best. At worst he's a big fat misogynistic sexist. Layla did nothing wrong.
I can't believe what I'm reading???? This has to be in America! OMG that husband/dad has to be an absolute nightmare to live with!!! He's disgusting if he wants her to be punished and is probably not being nice to his daughter either. I can't cope with this madness. HOLDING HANDS IS CHEATING AT THE AGE OF 7 Get a life Dad
"That behavior" is normal child behavior. A 7 year old has no idea what being a boyfriend or girlfriend means. Stop projecting your own c**p onto children.
Load More Replies...
28
68