Woman Asks Other Women How They Deal With Not Being ‘Pretty’, And This Man’s Reply Gets Most Upvotes
The subreddit AskWomen describes itself as a place dedicated to asking women questions about their thoughts, lives, and experiences; providing a place where all women can comfortably and candidly share their responses in a non-judgmental space.
One woman decided to open up about her jealousy about women who are born beautiful; she believes that she herself is an ‘ugly girl’ and never will be beautiful. Her feelings about her own appearance affect her daily life, blaming her ‘ugliness’ on everything negative that happens to her, even though she knows she is a good person. Curious to know how other ‘ugly people’ deal with not being pretty, she went on to ask for life tips: “How do you deal with not being attractive to most men? How do you accept how you look and learn to love yourself, regardless?” (Facebook cover image: emifasho)
Image credits:j bizzie
The post attracted tons of comments offering all kinds of insightful life advice and experiences. One really stood out, however, and it was written from a man’s perspective. The former Marine, who sustained severe injuries after his helicopter got shot down over Iraq, felt let down by Veterans Affairs in his area and had to rely on family and friends for support when times were tough. He knows how it feels to struggle with body issues and gives support whenever he can.
“It’s from the heart. It was written in one sitting at a coffee shop before work,” he told Bored Panda. “It sort of poured out of me, and it’s as honest as I know how to be. I still believe it, years after writing it.”
“I’m not known for giving good advice in matters of love. I’m a big former Marine who teaches Krav Maga in his spare time. I do EMS in the ghetto. I have a terribly dark, sarcastic sense of humor – the kind that really offends people who haven’t seen what I’ve seen, been where I’ve been. Soccer moms think I’m a monster, and coroners invite me to their holiday parties. I’d imagine a lot of people would be shocked to know I wrote that response, that I think and feel those things.”
“I am one of those people that folks seem to confide in, though. Maybe they know they aren’t going to shock me, and I’ll give honest advice if they ask. I’m also very respectful of people’s privacy. I think I was driven to respond to her because I saw some parallels in our experiences that might not be obvious to her, or to the casual reader. We’re also inherently different enough that my perspective might benefit her, perhaps give her a new way to look in how to find love.”
“I really hope she’s happy and falling in love these days, doing good stuff with people who love her.”
Here’s what people had to say about it
748Kviews
Share on FacebookWhat he said was truly beautiful. But I think her real problem is not seeking for love from a man as much as seeking approval from society. Aesthetics... they do matter.
I feel like the same thing applies to 'Be yourself'. There's a limit to how much of 'yourself' you can be. You still have to comply to societies unwritten rules, or risk not being accepted, and not forming connections. And there is no getting around that, it's just the way it is.
Load More Replies...In order to become friends with such a man, he would have to be open to talking to you in the first place. As an unattractive middle aged woman, I find people have no interest in talking to me, even though I'm a happy, fun person. I do understand how that girl feels. Can't help wondering what it's like to be beautiful. Society seems to heap so much privilege and opportunity on the attractive people.
Trust me, Im young unattractive woman and people have no desire to talk to me either. Hoped that with age Im gonna care less but even though Im not thinking about it as often, it still hurts. Always being overlooked, ignored, the one which doesn´t get invited anywhere...
Load More Replies...I'm not good looking, but that doesn't bother me. I don't seek an external locus of validation. Perhaps it's easier being on the spectrum, but it seems rational to me - I am responsible for who I am and how I allow myself to feel about who I am, and anyone who has a problem with it probably isn't worth the bother of my attention anyway so that bother automatically falls away. I am who I am, and that's OK, and I don't need to be anyone else or approved of by anyone else. My friends and family love me and that's enough.
I think it also depends on how ugly you are. If you’re quite unattractive, it makes sense that at some point you just let it go and just be happy being yourself. If you’re more middle of the road, and you’re cute in certain lights but could never stack up to an actually beautiful person, then it’s gonna be harder. Because you’ll be constantly compared to beautiful people, and expected to try and measure up. Whereas someone who objectively looks bad won’t be held to that standard. People will try to find other kinds of good in you.
Load More Replies...As an older woman, most men my age won't even look at me they are only interested in younger women. I'm not bad looking and keep myself in better shape than most men my age (double standard), but it doesn't seem to matter. I stopped trying a few years ago.
Well.... that guy's speech was nice but... Ff somebody loves you regardless of your looks, good! However, how are you going to show your special sides when people are avoiding you because you're not attractive? When it's love, it's colorful and full of rainbows and unicorns...but... this is reality. I'm not trying to be negative here but this woman, just like most people, is struggling how to find that specific kind of love for herself which is fully hindered by society's standards and not even her can escape it. Most humans are like walking cancer.
Once i fell in love with a colleague thanks to her absolutely awkward laugh, she was adorable! She was happy with her bf so i kept my distance but boy if she wasn't beautiful in my eyes, but everyone else considered her kind of "mhe".
Then you are exactly the kind of man who will make someone very happy. This is one of the nicest comments I have read on Bored Panda. It should be a short story, I would read it.
Load More Replies...He's not a lady who doesn't feel pretty and his answer was so much better. Beauty fades in time and yet that same time can soften features on someone who less meets the so called 'standards of beauty' that people think are so important. If looks mattered that much why do so many people get married or have strong, committed relationships? They're not all good lookers. Personality - that matters.
Load More Replies...I was shopping the other day, and it dawned on me that most people are unattractive and always will be, no matter how much paint and plaster they apply. And the pretty ones get old, their husbands still cheat etc. This "beauty" goal is a farce. Humans are ugly looking. But we are beautifully complex creatures just looking to reduce rejection in whatever way we can. Rejection is at the core of this sorrow. So if you can be anything, and you can - be kind, be accepting, since this is what all people crave, including yourself. When your aspirations change from craving beauty and avoiding rejection to giving out goodness, then your worries will change with them. The injustices of life cannot change who you choose to be. Being truly loved also helps.
Thanks for your post LtB, especially the line "be kind, be accepting, since this is what all people crave, including yourself." Very true! :-)
Load More Replies...My husband (48) hates his greying hair, he thinks it makes him look "Old". To me (49), he looks the same as he did when we first met as teenagers :)
A man once told me that men only notice how you look for the first few minutes. After that they only notice and afterwards remember how they feel when they are with you. I have lived a long life since and have found this to be true. I have unfortunately also understood that women are much more critical of each other’s appearance than men are of women’s appearance. The most hurtful personal comments that we’re made to me in my long life always came from other women. Girls are not always very nice to each other.
Boys and men say (and do) incredibly hurtful things to women they deem to be unattractive. Have you been on the Internet?
Load More Replies...Honestly what changed my whole perspective on beauty/attractiveness is something my grandmother said. I guess I was down because I was being bullied for my looks or something (this was five years ago, I struggle to remember). She was quiet for a long time, and then she asked me who I looked up to. I told her Mother Theresa. She then asked me whether she was pretty or not in her younger years. I couldn't answer that question, because I had never even noticed or cared. She then said something along the lines of this: "Be known for your kindness and actions, (my real name). Not your looks. No one really cares what the most influential, caring people look like, honey. Someday we will all be ugly and old, anyways. Don't waste your young years like I did back in the older times." (paraphrased) And though I sometimes struggle with self-esteem, that is something that has helped me a lot and kind of motivated to me to suck it up and be a better person, for lack of better words.
Mother Theresa intentionally withheld medications from people because she thought it brought them closer to religious characters. She didn’t care about healing anyone. She created hospices (place you go to die) in order to get more catholic followers. She was not beautiful inside or out. And most people aren’t as influential as her anyway. You’re just creating another impossible standard to live up to. Be a good person because it’s the right thing to do, not to make yourself feel better about looks.
Load More Replies...I've been unattractive my whole life. I married the first man who showed serious interest in me, and lived to regret it. I keep hearing all the time how a woman should just be herself, and a real man will be drawn to her. I'm almost 50, and I'm still waiting.
I totally feel her. She wasn't really mean of seeking love or attraction for man. I do always hate my appearance since I started to expose myself with various people. Most people tend to compare me with my friends or family member (especially female). That is one of the reason why I'm so depressed. I hate myself more as I heard people talking about me. And even more hate like about to kill myself as I was a shameful person among my friends (I once heard someone say so). I don't mean to be ungrateful about myself. But, the society never be enough with how I look like. Even some will say just be yourself. But,do all of them will accept me? How I look like or how I act? Life is totally unfair. I was bullied before because of my appearance and guess what.? Those who bullied me nowadays has better life. Instead, my life are getting worse. The depression never stop me from hurting myself. And my hate towards myself never be stop. I even wish that I'll be vanishe
Speak to someone - a pastor, therapist or friend who can help you to get a new perspective and perhaps some advice on how to heal. Rejection hurts as painfully as a physical wound or grief, and needs work to heal. It can cause you to spiral into self hating thoughts which relive the rejection event, keeping the wound from healing. You may need medication to help break free from this pattern. I found my god to be my source of love and healing from rejection, but you might find another way (art, therapy, new friendships). Rejection pain can cause depression because it takes the longest time to resolve of all the pains and so is emotionally exhausting. Depression is deadly so it is something worth fixing - I wish you well in your fightxx
Load More Replies...All women need to understand that you don't need to be gorgeous in order to be seen as beautiful. Confidence, a good heart and kindness will always shine trough, and there is nothing sexier that that.
That only works for average looking people. Ugly is ugly. It's not just "not gorgeous", it's actually ugly.
Load More Replies...I was talking to an old woman on the bus, and she was really nice. And suddenly, I think that wrinkles are really beautiful. It doesn´t have to be romantic or sexual. The moment we like someone, we start finding their appearance beautiful.
If you're ugly, or even average-looking, combined with being awkward, hated ethnicity, etc. - then you'll be treated much worse. I'm regularly given dirty looks in public (mostly from men), and treated as subhuman. I get condescending treatment everywhere - even from therapists and others whose jobs are to be kind and non-judgmental to everyone. Places of worship - I'm judged and ignored as harshly as everywhere else - in direct opposition to the kindness and tolerance they claim at those places. Common courtesy is completely lost when it comes to me. I'm more invisible than invisible. No one remembers my name, even after I say it multiple times. You instantly remember the name of someone you're attracted to - you'll never remember or appreciate anything about someone you think is ugly. For people who are not only ugly, but also seen as awkward, uncool, unwanted ethnicity, etc - we have the worse lives in the universe. Nothing ever works out.
It's harder too as a woman ages. I'm not bad looking for my age but I doubt any man my age would be interested in a woman his age. Most men want to date younger women. At least that has been my experience.
Modern women in their 20s spend their days having "fun" and monkey branching from one alpha male to another, then when they get into their 30s and want to settle down and have a family they are surprised to see that those alphas are not interested in them anymore and are going for 20 something women. Then if they dont secure anyone or if they get divorced in their 30s they get into their 40s and find that they have even less options if any. Women need to use their youth and beauty to settle down with a man and have a family instead of thinking "they can always do better". Sorry to say this ladies but you are born rich and lose your wealth as you get older, men are born poor and accumulate wealth as they age (if they have a good head on their shoulders).
Load More Replies...Every time my partner looks at me I see that filter switch in his eyes, it's how I know he loves me it was also how I knew he had fallen in love with me before he told me. I still get butterflies and my heart skips a beat every time I see him as well even after all these years.
I've never been beautiful . . . BUT . . . I'll be smart and funny all my life! Do you even wanna hang with people who are only interested in looks? Collect interesting people around you and you will never be lonely. Beauty only lasts a few years (they better marry young) and a great dress or lots of makeup last even less. You have a life!
Lol I'd hang with you any day purely from great wit!! Much better than looks anyday
Load More Replies...He described the process of growing familiar with someone’s features, coming to like them, and then taking a turn down the alley of limerence (infatuation). Not a bad description. Here’s another thing to consider: lack of conventional beauty doesn’t mean there aren’t other compelling qualities. I’ve noticed the most beautiful people don’t necessarily have the best minds or personalities. People are treated differently when conventionally beautiful. They often get preferential treatment and don’t necessarily develop the best social skills, empathy & thoughtfulness, as a result of less effort needed to get by. It’s somewhat true that some struggle can build character (only some; too much struggle results in developing compensatory behaviors that cause problems of their own). While conventional beauty can be exciting, I’ve rarely met such people who also have great minds & personalities. I’ll take an average body with a great mind any day.
Some day Bored Panda’s web master really needs to learn how to allow us to use paragraphs.
Load More Replies...My FB friends constantly post photos of their attractive children and people all comment "Lovely", "Gorgeous", "Stunning" and it irks me. One particular girl is very pretty but is also very accomplished and you don't hear about the accomplishments, you just see photos of the "pretty". I think its sad. And one family has two daughters and constantly refers to one as "the pretty one" (the other one is nice looking too) and that drives me crazy! Pretty is simply winning the genetic lottery and has nothing to do with character or achievement. I've also known people who were very attractive in their youth who have aged "poorly" and they still act like everyone hangs on their every word and they are automatically adored...and they're not. I call this "When pretty gets old syndrome". I know it sounds hollow, but I wouldn't want to be pretty. As a man, I can honestly tell you that pretty might catch a man but it won't keep a man.
He’s right but that didn’t answer her question. She wants to deal with being unattractive, not find love and acceptance from her lover. My advice would be to stay off social media. But even then, you’ll encounter unfairly beautiful women in real life. The honest answer is there’s really nothing you can do other than pretend it doesn’t bother you until it actually stops bothering you, get plastic surgery, or everything short of it (gym, makeup, clothes, dentist, haircare).
Deff stay off social media agreed!! And yes it bothers her so much at least get some therapy to see she probably has sooo much more than a supposive "pretty girl"
Load More Replies...So he tells a woman who is unconfident about her looks how he fell in love with a girls nose and breasts... very helpful for a person with probably a crooked nose and size zero breasts. He basically just describes what it's like to fall in love with somebody. And it's a fact that this also depends on looks. It's also b******t that this "love at first sight" head over heels crush phenomenon automatically leads to lifelong happy relationships and elderly people being married for 50 years. The majority of people you fall in love with – exactly like that dude described – will break your heart sooner or later and most couples who live in long lasting marriage or relationship can tell you that their "secret" to staying together is mostly a matter of endurance, tolerance, will, compromise and forgiveness rather than having a simple crush.
I'm 36 and am entirely invisible to men and I have been my entire life. Does it suck? , yep sure does, but thank God I see value in myself beyond my physical body, otherwise I may not be here. I hope she finds her value.
I think it all boils down to your confidence level, and what you believe from things like the media (Victoria Secret models, etc.). It's ingrained in us to WANT to be thinner, prettier. I've never been categorized as pretty or beautiful. but my confidence, self-image (as i got older) and sense of humor made me more attractive to people than i thought i was. now (lol), i'm in the frumpy category, but i'm good with it because i gave up trying to be something i'm not and learned to love me for what i am. You just have to take that step & change your mind-set; forget about what society thinks is the perfect woman! you really do need to learn to love yourself before you can expect someone to love you for who you are. And i love reading stuff like this from the guys--it's awesome when they are confident enough to share their inner thoughts like what that guy posted!
this is extremely rare, men go for looks at first, they are just wired that way, they are visual whereas women are more about how someone makes them feel.
I feel like I could have written the reddit post. I usually get told you need to love yourself, and you'll meet someone. I'm not saying it doesn't help because I've seen it with my own friends and family. However, when you grow up with everyone, including your own mother telling you that you're ugly, it is a struggle. I do a lot of travelling as well, and anywhere I've been, I've had at least someone make a comment on my face. Every single date I've ever been on, the guy doesn't ask for a second date because I am too ugly (they've confirmed this because I ask) and I've just been rejected again for being too ugly. I am going to be 33 soon, and I've never had a relationship. I always hoped the older I get, the less people care about appearances but I've found this to be untrue. Everyone was wrong about that, because people used to tell me when I was younger that the older you get, the less people care about appearances but in my case, it's not true.
Also, I know plenty of people who absolutely do not love themselves, and they're in relationships and they're attractive. So it's not just about self-love. Maybe if I'd grown up in a confident environment (since I do know personality matters) I would have had a better chance, but as of right now, I feel too nervous to even leave my house because I feel too ugly, oh and I went grocery shopping today and a couple walked past me and the girl said: "Oh my god ew, did you see that woman's face?" as soon as they passed. Situations like that are why I am nervous to go out in public. I get sick of hearing how ugly I am, especially since I take care of myself. I'm very well groomed and healthy. I look like a man though.
Load More Replies...Still being young and slender, before going out in my yoga pants, I tie a long jacket around my waist to cover up what would otherwise be revealed. I do this for the love of other women and their men whose eyes I would rather have on one another, rather than on my behind. Do unto others, you know?
To the OP, you're not alone, and it's not only women. I'm an older guy [65], and have been so insecure about my appearance [call it ugliness if you want], that I've been by myself for 20+ years. I don't have the looks, but I do have the heart, even if it is broken. Nothing anyone could possibly change anything for me this late in life. I've lived alone, and I'll die alone.... Looking forward to not waking up anymore.
moved even beyond tears by all precise & nuanced resonance of the underlying meanings & significance of this traumatized marine & man who so ably captures the subtle mysterious ways in which men & women truly do fall in love. even to those of us who have been through dark past experiences &/or are disable (myself), it can & does still happen - thankfully! sometimes it's the only thing that keeps us going. thank you sir for this beautiful, shining example of just how important it is to remind & encourage others that one is not seen only as just a summation of our features. the vital step or part, i believe most often overlooked or deemed unimportant, is really taking time to get to know & enjoy or not the other person.
I would've been described as very cute...never mind that all I could think of was the terrible 2 front broken teeth I had ( that my widowed mom couldn't afford to fix), so I always hid my smile with my hands & actually hid from people ! I still have the same problem today at age 71 !! Sometimes we need to find peace with ourselves & LIVE !!!
I really and truly have never met a physically ugly person - man or woman. I've met people who are not "perfect", and can still find them attractive. I kind of understand what the man is saying - it's a package deal with people. What makes you YOU is so many thing. Some of the most unattractive people I've met have been classically beautiful - but have zero personality. Might be fine for some, but not for me. Lots of shallow people out there who are missing out. Their loss, but it still can hurt.
My husband was in no way shape or form my teenage idea of the perfect guy. I wanted blonde, skinny, hairless and tan. He's short, dark hair, hairy and pale. What was so attractive? The fact that he treated me with style and grace. We talked as though best friends our whole lives. There was never any awkwardness or uncomfortable moments when we were together. We just clicked. We were married after knowing each other for only 7 weeks. We just celebrated 28 years of marriage. My only regret is that one day..one of us will pass away. And I can't bear the idea of one of us having to endure the pain of not being with the other.
Oh my god!!!! How freaking beautiful...and it's true. If someone is only interested in your physical beauty...watch out. If god forbid...something happens that marrs or defaces that appearance, that person will not be sticking around. Personally...I've always been more attracted to a person's intelligence, kindness and humility over their physical appearance. If that person also happens to be quirky and different from the norm...it's a huge plus. I've known beautiful women who I couldn't stand to be around or even look at because their personalities sucked.. or they're stupid, vain, ignorant. Find someone who adores you for all that you are and are not...you've got a keeper!
It's funny you should say that James. I heard how one woman was rear ended in a car accident sending the tailgate of her truck up into the cab causing her to be paralyzed from the waist down. Her husband came into her hospital room, shook his head and said "I can't deal with this" and left. She never saw him again. Now she's a strong business woman that met the man of her dreams. Maybe the accident was a blessing in disguise..helped her to see the first husband for what he was..a coward that didn't take the vows "in sickness and in health" seriously. Glad she found true love.
Load More Replies...THEN she softened and said, "the thing you get to take credit is for what you create in HERE (pointed to my head) and what you do in HERE (pointed to my heart).. this is where real beauty and magic comes from",.... AND THAT, has kept me in my life, whatever scale I feel I'm in among whatever room I'm in , completely in tune and in check with where my "pretty" and "ugly" feelings belong. They are arbitrarily attachments to somewhat of a lottery.. I DO take credit for the shape I'm in, how I keep the "machine running" and how I dress it... and those elements too help a LOT with presenting your lottery ticket of genes... and after that CONFIDENCE from within. Till I was in grade 11, I lived thinking I was the awkward european tall girl .. and I didn't care. I felt like I had things to learn and grow in my head and my heart.. and sure enough, my favorite compliments are always that my "insides" are attractive to people. Those are the compliments that stick more than "you're hot"
That beauty thing is...complicated. What that guy said was undoubtedly wonderful and very heart warming but I must say I can't fully agree with it. A guy(or a girl, but I feel as though the double standards are kinda tilted in guys' honour there, with girls putting a lot more effort into being attractive) can definitely fall for a girl(a guy) who is not beautiful by the common standards and this girl will very likely be the most beautiful for them, but...that means that this girl somehow caught they attention enough for them to even begin to notice all the small wonderful things about her or even have that personality 'click'. Maybe it was the circumstances turning that way that they had a lot of exposure to each other(work/study together, or perhaps some stressful experience bonding or Idk). Maybe it was the magic of the internet where you get to know and possibly like the person before you even know what they look like.
Maybe it was the guy being extremely attentive and noticing her inner beauty no matter her looks...or, in absolute most of the cases, maybe she caught his attention visually. Either by confining to society's/that guy's standards of beauty or by having that air of passion and life about her that makes any woman look beautiful(not something insecure people will have). Beauty is not enough to build a lasting relationship on, but it will certainly help get you started. It took me a while to be able to honestly admit that.
Load More Replies...We need to find a way to fight back against advertising. They have implanted ideas into everyone's heads about what is right and wrong. And they've been doing it since the first ad agency. We go right along with it. We are brainwashed.
Nobody is perfect and hell yeah if you'll think you're ugly then everyone will fell the same....be confident in what you wear and a change your thinking...think you're attractive and people fell the same.. I myself a 5.6ft , thin , no beard, no muscles is being sent to the meetings with client because of my personality .... it is all about the +ve and -ve energy your mind releases makes you who you really are..always remember, personality is not what you look like, it comes from within
I don't think so, Sarah Jessica Parker thinks she's attractive and she looks like a shaved camel.
Load More Replies...This response was beautifully worded, but my feeling is that finding the right man isn't really her issue. There will probably be a person out there who does fall for her - but she will never experience the pleasure of knowing that her appearance is striking, that people in general enjoy looking at her. I have spent my entire life aware that I am not pretty. (I am 68.) I have always tried to make the most of what I have, but even now I wonder what my life might have been like if I had been more attractive.
Believe me as beautiful life is not always easier. If sometimes it's much harder!!
Load More Replies...I always think of that Twilight Zone episode, eye of the beholder, when I feel ugly. It is on Netflix if you have not seen it
The beautiful woman is hideous to the hideous " normal" people. That episode cut me deeply. I have 3 beautiful sisters and I was always the unattractive strange girl.
Load More Replies...That lady IS beautiful. Beauty means different things to different people in different places. To some, it may be blonde hair, blue eyes, and tan skin, while to others it could mean black hair and pale skin. Yet others like brown hair with hazel eyes, red hair with brown eyes, and so many other combinations. But to accept yourself, what's working for me is this: "Why do I care about this person's opinion?" Why do you care about how the average man sees you? You're looking for someone as EXTRAORDINARY as you, right? It's working for me, at least. Oh, and I really liked what that guy said. It's helped me to figure out the mystery that's been plaguing me for a long time a bit better.
Wow, I rarely comment on what I read, but this left me crying. I'm crying for a love I'm pretty sure I'm never going to experience.
When you're told multiple times that you're fat and ugly, you start to believe it.
Coming from a perspective of someone who has been considered good looking all her life. It doesn't matter. Do you know who I'm jealous of? That couple most people will make fun of, because they're not society's ideal of good looking. Why? Because they know that the other person loves them for them, and not just because of what they look like. You get treated like you don't have a brain, or are incompetent because you're pretty.
That man said, what a lot of men want to say, but can't find the words.
This isn't the whole story though. A man won't be interested in getting to know a woman he isn't attracted to. So while someone might become MORE beautiful to you as you get to know them and fall in love, to act like looks don't matter because of that...is kind of naive. Obviously you don't have to be a supermodel to find love or we'd all be screwed, but let's not act like unattractive people, especially women, don't face many challenges. And let's not forget that old couples like the one described here aren't that common. Many people, sadly, don't even really see their spouses at that point. The wife is just a walking, breathing appliance that cooks dinner.
Many of the women in my social group are not what would typically be called "pretty" or "attractive" (which really are not the same thing). But we're open to friendship and enjoy similar activities, so we have social lives. If you wilt because of your own feelings of inadequacy, it's on you. Look for people who enjoy activities you enjoy - like Meetup.com - and go in with a sense of confidence. You'll find people to whom the superficial does not matter.
I suppose you could liken it to a car in a showroom, whilst you may not like the whole initially, you like the rear lights, the dash, the steering wheel, the smell of the upholstery, you keep seeing things you do like and stop noticing the things which at first glance were not as nice. Simplistic yes, of course it is, but what about women, I think they must do this with men all their lives, how else would an old fat fart like me have a woman who loves me. Human nature is what makes others attractive, not how they look.
What wouldn't any of us give to find that companion? The one worth waiting for? Unfortunately, that's not how it works. I'm friendly, funny, entertaining and maybe a 6 on the cute scale. Ask me how many guys EVER look at me with that kind of attitude? I'm not bitter, I'm not whining, I'm saying...in a perfect world this might happen. In reality, we get real good at being everyone's friend.
Savage Henry's way is the one most likely to succeed, as it parallels the advice in the great Dusty Springfield's --"Wishin' and Hopin'." That song advises "wear your hair just for him, do the things he likes to do," which means "find ways to make him important to you (ask his opinion on things) and try to become important to him" (learn about his favorite teams; his career ambitions?, etc.). The more you participate in his life, the more he'll participate in yours. All this starts in little ways, but they add up. See the movie "Funny Girl": Men like funny women (haven't you noticed that many plain men compensate with humor)? Be a Boy Scout--kind, considerate, trustworthy and brave (I'm sure the Girl Scouts have the same creeds.) Now find a mirror. Maybe you're a bit plain, even quite plain, but you are not ugly unless you scare horses, cause miscarriages and stop clocks. Saying you're ugly isn't "facing facts." It's attacking yourself. Stop that right now.
When someone is in love feelings of disgust is overrided. My boyfriend is absolutely positively handsome and even if his face got ran over by a car and he somehow survived I would still call it that and kiss it all over. ^^
She has bought into all the magazines models, super stars with a giazillion plastic surgeries. I am not considered pretty, by any means. My personality and humor is what makes me attractive, as well as my attitude towards life....
Exactly!! Like who makes beautiful or attractive attractive.. believe in yourself if high schools over.. hell we all went through it even of we WERE attractive we weren't ATTRACTIVE enough.. but we moved on and life goes on!
Load More Replies...She's wasting her time trying to be pretty to MOST men. You're either YOU and pretty to the one you care about (yes, you have to find him first, and you won't do it on social media), or you're just a cliche to be passed around.
The more you know someone, the less aesthetics matter. I had a roommate (45 years ago) who was a 9/10; she was as dumb as a box of rocks, she couldn't carry on a conversation if her life depended upon it, and when she married, she screwed around the entire time. The surface is nice, but the person beneath it is what matters.
I had a roommate who was a 9/10; nice to look at, but a terrible person. She couldn't carry on a conversation if her life depended upon it, and once she finally married, she was unfaithful for her entire marriage. She and I are both in our 70's, and she's still scamming and f**king her way through life. I, on the other hand, am not a gorgeous woman, but I have my own life and at peace with where I am. She will never be there. Like my now-deceased mom used to say "Kissing don't last, good cooking do". Yeah, she was a hillbilly!
I think what was written is beautiful and right on the money. Men are very often criticised for being too biological in their patterns of behaviour especially around women, I think they are right to say we men are attracted to beauty. We are sexual animals after all and our behaviour, luckily has been modified within our societies expectations. Most men are by and large respectful of women and bring security and happiness to relationships. There are exceptions. I am a male not particularly good looking yet athletic and funny. I have had my unfairshare of negative comments directed toward me by both men and women. These actions, I put down to competition. People competing for status, jobs, partners and possessions. We all must develop resilience to this, yep it hurts but in the end it is only a persons opinion expressed in a moment. I love a chat and have spoken to many people around the world. What i have found is that most people are the same. So relax and enjoy your own company. s
Some people get lucky. Some do not. I'm relatively attractive (not the glam type, but definitely okay looking), and I have not been lucky. Many less attractive women have been more lucky - not in getting 'male attention', but in meeting someone to love and be loved by. Meeting that special someone who 'gets' you and wants to be with you takes a whole lot of luck that not all of us have been fortunate to have.
Sixteen years ago, after three weeks of dating, my boyfriend, out of nowhere, said "I love you" and I found myself replying "I love you too" even though he had taken me completely by surprise. So I got even the following weekend by asking him to marry me. He damn near fell off the couch (we were just sitting in his living room chatting) but once that passed he said "yes" as soon as he caught his breath. We were married a couple months later. This was back in 2002 and we will celebrate our sixteenth anniversary next month.
IF you act confidently, believe that you are beautiful, popular and the leader of a group. You will be seen as that. If you behave like you are worth diamonds, like you have so many lovers that you are tired of them all, like you are so funny and gorgeous everybody want’s you in their party. THATS WHAT YOU WILL BECOME! Beause people se you through yourself - that’s the best way I can explain it. Even if you look like a pig but you are confident and like yourself, dear to speak to the opposite sex or who ever you like to speak to people will look at you in a whole different way! than if you walk around telling yourself that you are ugly, you won’t get more friends and nobody wants you as their partner. SADLY YOU MAKE SURE IT STAYS THAT WAY THEN.There are so many famous singers and actors that do not fit in society’s way of looking beautiful, but we don’t care 🤷♀️ because they are famous and adored ( confident and believe in themselves) so we just accept that they look awesome and agrees.
It's ironic that beauty in the eye of the beholder is also relative to culture and your developmental phase. I think what your parents tell you to help you deal with ANY kind of comment on your appearance is KEY. Because whether you get told by some other kid (or adult) that you are pretty and ugly, you will have your parent/s interaction with those terms to guid how much they matter. I was awkward tall giraffe, I would say I looked like a boy for much of my childhood... then one day, in grade four, a teacher told me I was pretty. I was ecstatic because I had heard this word used by then to refer to people and things I too found aesthetically pleasing. I came home and said "Mom! Guess what? Someone called me pretty.!" and she sat me down and very sternly said, "So what? What you look like is a lottery you owe FULLY to your ancestors, you got your looks from me and your father and we in turn got them from our parents so no one really gets to OWN the credit for their looks. " pt2
Why on earth are some people making this a gender issue. For goodness' sake.
What a sweet man. Wonder who told her she wasn't that made her feel that way?
+1 Guy here. My partner is lovely to me, as whats inside her can not be replicated. I was once asked by a female that I thought was a good friend " Why do some guys go out with such ugly women?" She thought she was something special, and when I heard she was running me down to my partner, she suddenly became just an acquaintance. 'probably not evolved enough for true friendship'.
I *AM* ugly. Always been, always will be. Ugly enough for my husband to think I'm not attractive. I'm not smart either, so I try compensating by being nice. I know that it works, I have friends and, as mentioned, a husband. But I'm always aware that I'm lacking, and that's exhausting.
I think the man who wrote that is beautiful, no matter how he looks. None of us can see ourselves as others see us...I have friends who think they are ugly and they are so wrong, the face you see frozen in a picture can't begin to convey how lovely someone can look when they are talking or laughing.
Years back, one of my sisters asked me if she was beautiful. I had to think for a few seconds, then said, "You're striking looking, and sometimes that's more important than being beautiful." She seemed satisfied with that. She later fell in love with Canada's north -- and the lovely Northerner who lured her there.
Years back, one of my sisters asked me if she was beautiful. I had to think for a few seconds, then said, "You're striking looking, and sometimes that's more important than being beautiful." I don't know what her husband thinks, but he's certainly happy they met!
What do you say? WHAT. DO.You SAY? The words from this man are echoing around the globe, only within the heads of those who really, REALLY needed to hear it. Wish I could make him dinner...
for me accepting that I don't owe it to anyone to be pretty helped quite a bit
Beauty comes from within. When you believe you are beautiful, you are--even if the way your features were put together isn't aesthetically in alignment with the traditional concept of beauty. People who radiate confidence are more beautiful than those who don't. People who radiate love, compassion, and connection are beautiful. People filled with hatred for others or for themselves look ugly, even if their features knit together well. This woman needs to learn to love herself. When she does that, she'll radiate that into the world and others will respond in kind.
you mean well but that's nonsense. Lots of ugly people think they're beautiful and they're not fooling anybody but themselves.
Load More Replies...This man seems wise as well as prolific, he should write books. His thoughts are something I was craving as I read along.
If you ever met me in person, you'd think, "How does that grabasstic douchebag remember to tie his boots in the morning?". I do appreciate the compliment, though!
Load More Replies...I've seen a few comments saying that the guy didn't answer the OP, but in a roundabout way, he did. Sure, he went into overdrive a little bit, but I think what you're asking for is a closing remark like "In short, when you're with the right people, be they friends, or a boyfriend, they won't care how you look, because your infectious personality will have won them over, and that's what they like about you, and it's what they miss when you're not around. If the people you're trying to mingle with only care about appearances, don't bother with them. They're usually only nice on the outside, and aren't worth the trouble."
You nailed it! Her comment seemed to (without explicitly mentioning so) be about acceptance - that of others, and of herself. She also wants to be accepted by others in a very specific way. I hope she found it.
Load More Replies...I'm going to repeat something I said in a different thread, because I think it's just as relevant to this one: There is "objective beauty" which is whatever society is currently trying to tell you you should be. (This changes over time.) And then there's what really matters - subjective beauty. Everyone has different qualities that they find personally attractive, and this changes over time, too. It is extremely likely that no matter what you look like, some moderate percentage of the population will find you somewhat attractive and some of those will find you simply stunning. And if someone gets to know you and falls in love, none of that will matter: no one else will be able to compete. So just stop worrying about whether YOU find you attractive. You're not the person who needs to be impressed. Just go find someone who likes you. They're out there, and you're bound to run across one of them eventually.
That doesn't address the fear that people in her everyday life are reacting to her based on her looks, and I guess I don't know a lot about that. I'm not objectively pretty. I'm also extremely geeky (and dress the part), I never wear make-up, I have the bushiest eyebrows that I don't pluck - but I've never felt I'm being treated poorly for it. So it doesn't seem likely that that's what's going on here... but I'm not in her shoes, I don't know. I do think she has to find a way to live as though it's *not* true, because constantly fearing it is not healthy. I wish her luck.
Load More Replies...Sexuality is more of a scope I think, this allows a lot of versatility to who we find attractive and although there are still 'standards' of beauty I think the variety of people, types, wants, needs and desires trump those standards.
I'm an elderly woman (70), one who was very cute from birth through about 3 years old, and then gradually became...homely, to put it nicely....and boys would be horribly mean about it. I did marry a man when I was 20 and he was 23, even though I wasn't at all pretty. His exceedingly unkind mother said, about 3 months after we married, that she wished "R could have married S. She was a lot prettier than you, and she was a good drinking and smoking buddy for me. I wish she hadn't married that other guy! R only married you because he was hurt and lonely, and wanted to get back at S." Yeah. He basically confirmed that over the course of our nine years of marriage. Second husband---only married me because he wanted to make his girlfriend of 11 years jealous enough to marry him (didn't know about her at the time, but she didn't marry him after our very brief one month "marriage." One major reason he stated for divorcing me..."You're just too homely for any man to ever want you."
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Hate to break it to you, ladies, but I've seen that post copied multiple times by different men, so for all we know he may not even be the original poster.
Sorry to burst your bubbles, ladies, but I've seen that post copied multiple times by other men, so for all we know, he may not even be the original poster.
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I am ugly on the inside and out. I don't mean that I am evil or unkind, quite the opposite. But I have no charm or endearing personality. Life is very lonely and for most of my life I have been alone. I have wonderful parents and siblings and am truly blessed. But I have never had someone fall in love with me, or make a connection with. So very, very sad.
Please, I have seen people copy/paste that very same comment several times in different forums. How do we know that he said it first?
Please, I've seen people copy/paste that several times in different forums. How do we know he's the one who said it first?
This is exactly what I was thinking as I read this. I'm in my 20s and average looking, and men are sometimes interested in me. But to act like looks don't matter because a man falls in love with a woman's unique features as he gets to know her...that's just...not quite right. He still has to find her attractive or he won't be interested in getting to know her better.
I just want to say Thank you I loved what you said, now dont get me wrong i was always quite beautiful and i suppose i still am but as I age I harshly judge myself and so therefore toolkit upon myself to read this article and I actually sent it to 3 of my bestfriends just because I wanted them to see from a mans perspective what he thought.q
I’m considered “attractive” or whatever you want to call it. However, after recently becoming sick and getting a chronic diagnosis- let me tell you i would trade every discount, line jump, free drink, free meal, whatever, all of it in a heartbeat to be back at my old physical capabilities. Please realize your looks do not define you or your quality of life. Do not let that be an excuse to accept unhappiness, it is nothing at the end of the day.
Still being slender and young, before going out, I tie a long jacket around my waist to cover up what my yoga pants would otherwise reveal. I do this for the love of other women and their men, whose eyes I'd rather have on each other, than on my behind. Do unto others, you know?
I can't here how I look I get mistaken to nothing like the personality I am life's been hard & I've not weathered it well unfortunately same really because I'm quite sensitive being very respectful of others feelings & been known to give my thing I hold dear to be kind to people I'm not sure if I'm gullabe or stupid at times with the value of a non person & looks of a total arsehole life's quite harsh at times but it's better than nothing appreciated what goes send my way I get to tell the tail even they some times my life's so fantastical I'd not believe it myself if I hadn't been there lol
It explains too, why when you look back on a failed relationship you no longer feel attracted
That describes my fiancé before she passed away from complications of cancer and cushing's ... the few weeks before she died, she bigger than when I first met her ... her hair was just growing back, but was still shedding ... she had a colostomy bag and could bare talk ... however, she still looked as beautiful to me as the day I met her ... it is like there's a filter there that let's us just ignore or not emphasize the "negative" and accentuates the "positive" ...
Looks do matter when it comes to getting a job/getting a raise/getting a role/being treated more nicely than the rest of the crowd, so called "preferential treatment. True. But when it comes to being happy, there is no correlation - the most beautiful girl in my high school committed a suicide (broken heart), the best looking colleague never got married... Of course it's better to be beautiful! But since we don't have much choice here - I'm tall and big (I hate the f-word... Ok, I'm also fat), wear glasses and most men in this country look straight through me - let's at least try to be happy. Tough, I know.
Since he does EMS I'm guessing this poet was a Corpsman (highly trained Marine medic). He's part of a rarified group of poetic medics that includes Allen Ginsberg, Ernest Hemingway, Walt Whitman, e.e.cummings, Gertrude Stein (and me). Also a visual visionary named Walt Disney.
it's partly Walt Disney's fault that we are conditioned to judge women by looks in the first place!!
Load More Replies...I've been married to the man that walked into my life like and old time movie were true rlove come in with the with as he walk through the doors . I agree it does something to the mine I've been told I was not pretty for my whole life but this man thinks I beautiful and I side and out, so don't give up.
It is true, but the flash to bang can also be compressed into a short time and sometimes you don't need to have even met for it to have started ))
Just read the book Eleanor and Park. It's almost the same but more detailed and uh, romantic
I agree. You feel the vibe and that generates your feelings about the look.
I'd probably get a million downvotes but I'm gonna say it, because I don't really care what strangers think of me: I think that this woman and really, anyone who goes to ridiculous extents just to be accepted by society(forcing oneself to smoke or take drugs just because everyone else in the company does it, for example) is completely vacuous. There are so much more important things than being liked by a bunch of people that won't even remember you tomorrow and people lasting their life in efforts to become "pretty" or maintain their "prettiness" and always looking in the mirror are one of the chief reasons the society is going downhill. Honestly, suppress your instincts and start using that brain! It evolved for millions of years to be used!
I honestly feel that a huge component in both how you perceive your own attractiveness and how attractive you actually are to others comes from within. I'm an only child, and was brought up by smart, confident people, to be smart and confident. I have bad skin and never wear even a little makeup, I slouch, I sometimes look as tired as I chronically am, and I'm usually rocking a 4-6 on the pain scale. Am I ugly? Nope. Am I even unattractive? Not even a little. I think everyone has the capacity to be as beautiful as they want to be, but it can't all come from hair and skin and clothes and jewelry. Those things can help, because aesthetically most people do have things that look flattering on them, accentuate certain features, etc., but beauty isn't 100% about hitting all the checkmarks for what the media has told us is attractive.
Been with three beautiful girls in my life: – The first cheated on me with a friend, still wearing the jewelery I had given her for anniversary. – The second always played power games on me and craved sexual dominance all the time when I just wanted innocent love. – The third dumped me by text message on my birthday, explaining that "she needs to find her own way out of her debts and her deadend job, rather than just moving in with a man who gives her everything without her having to make an effort. That would be too easy." Been with three less attractive girls in my life: – The first one had a kind heart and a good personality, but she was overweight, had depression, lost her job and made my lose my face, because she appeared at offical events in a greasy hoodie and baggy pants. – The second one turned mortally ill after 8 years of happy relationship. – The third one was so jealous that she falsely accused me of cheating everytime I just wanted to hang out with my pals.
No matter how beautiful a woman is, her good looks will fade away, just like those beautiful flowers. It is important for every girl to use what to attract a man. If you are using your beautiful looks, finally you may lose both the beauty and the man. But if you use your good personality, like kindness, inner peace, it is better. Your personality is inside, it is very difficult for others to find out, so you must be patient, always be a good girl, I am sure you will attract the same good man for yourself.
Any man who uses the term "mansplaining" is already owned by the feminists.
Don't sweat it. All the pretty girls are divorced. You can't rely on good looks for a good marriage
if women want to find true love, then looks dont matter - their one true love loves them no matter what they look like
As a photographer this topic naturally is part of my everyday work. There is a big misunderstanding when it comes to beauty. Most people think it's the body only. When I say a beautiful person I'm talking about the soul. If you are happy with yourself you are beautiful and that can be seen on the pictures. I had a lot of models with beautiful bodies but they were not looking good on the pictures because one could see they lack strength, are carried away by personal problems that occupies them and that's perfectly ok they need there time to find themselves. This process is the hardest thing to do in life and so often we look for others to take this burden off from us and this is what is driving people away. You want to be beautiful? Learn to love yourself. If you don't make your happiness dependent on being loved by somebody that then is the point when you not only will be most attractive to others but also allow them to enter your life.
if you are a good person inside you are also a beautiful person on the outside you just have to get to love yourself!!!
I don't wear makeup, I've had my teeth straightened with braces for seven years (I had an underbite) till days on end, I'm average chubby. Not morbidly obese but doctors consider that I am. Which I'm ok, I like my size yet I'm self conscious of how people look at me. I worry a lot about my fat belly. (Not pregnant) I'm not pretty, I'm just really a duplicate body and face of my grandma (believe me, I have her old picture looking like exactly like me as a teen) and I really enjoy who I am. Barely touching make up or something with surgery. I'm happy of who I am but many men... that I've met. Wants to change all that until I met my best friend. Who constantly berates me to do squats because he wants me to appreciate my body in a healthy state. He loves my love handles, my appearance, my quirkinesses. He would constantly be worried about me. That's what I like about him.
There is always someone who will find offense with anything, read his comment in context "female, acquaintance" as opposed to a woman he wants a relationship/sex with.
Load More Replies...I think her point was that even in make-up and nice clothes she still does not feel as pretty as other women, if I'm reading your comment correct you're saying that you don't get to dress nice at school.
Load More Replies...What he said was truly beautiful. But I think her real problem is not seeking for love from a man as much as seeking approval from society. Aesthetics... they do matter.
I feel like the same thing applies to 'Be yourself'. There's a limit to how much of 'yourself' you can be. You still have to comply to societies unwritten rules, or risk not being accepted, and not forming connections. And there is no getting around that, it's just the way it is.
Load More Replies...In order to become friends with such a man, he would have to be open to talking to you in the first place. As an unattractive middle aged woman, I find people have no interest in talking to me, even though I'm a happy, fun person. I do understand how that girl feels. Can't help wondering what it's like to be beautiful. Society seems to heap so much privilege and opportunity on the attractive people.
Trust me, Im young unattractive woman and people have no desire to talk to me either. Hoped that with age Im gonna care less but even though Im not thinking about it as often, it still hurts. Always being overlooked, ignored, the one which doesn´t get invited anywhere...
Load More Replies...I'm not good looking, but that doesn't bother me. I don't seek an external locus of validation. Perhaps it's easier being on the spectrum, but it seems rational to me - I am responsible for who I am and how I allow myself to feel about who I am, and anyone who has a problem with it probably isn't worth the bother of my attention anyway so that bother automatically falls away. I am who I am, and that's OK, and I don't need to be anyone else or approved of by anyone else. My friends and family love me and that's enough.
I think it also depends on how ugly you are. If you’re quite unattractive, it makes sense that at some point you just let it go and just be happy being yourself. If you’re more middle of the road, and you’re cute in certain lights but could never stack up to an actually beautiful person, then it’s gonna be harder. Because you’ll be constantly compared to beautiful people, and expected to try and measure up. Whereas someone who objectively looks bad won’t be held to that standard. People will try to find other kinds of good in you.
Load More Replies...As an older woman, most men my age won't even look at me they are only interested in younger women. I'm not bad looking and keep myself in better shape than most men my age (double standard), but it doesn't seem to matter. I stopped trying a few years ago.
Well.... that guy's speech was nice but... Ff somebody loves you regardless of your looks, good! However, how are you going to show your special sides when people are avoiding you because you're not attractive? When it's love, it's colorful and full of rainbows and unicorns...but... this is reality. I'm not trying to be negative here but this woman, just like most people, is struggling how to find that specific kind of love for herself which is fully hindered by society's standards and not even her can escape it. Most humans are like walking cancer.
Once i fell in love with a colleague thanks to her absolutely awkward laugh, she was adorable! She was happy with her bf so i kept my distance but boy if she wasn't beautiful in my eyes, but everyone else considered her kind of "mhe".
Then you are exactly the kind of man who will make someone very happy. This is one of the nicest comments I have read on Bored Panda. It should be a short story, I would read it.
Load More Replies...He's not a lady who doesn't feel pretty and his answer was so much better. Beauty fades in time and yet that same time can soften features on someone who less meets the so called 'standards of beauty' that people think are so important. If looks mattered that much why do so many people get married or have strong, committed relationships? They're not all good lookers. Personality - that matters.
Load More Replies...I was shopping the other day, and it dawned on me that most people are unattractive and always will be, no matter how much paint and plaster they apply. And the pretty ones get old, their husbands still cheat etc. This "beauty" goal is a farce. Humans are ugly looking. But we are beautifully complex creatures just looking to reduce rejection in whatever way we can. Rejection is at the core of this sorrow. So if you can be anything, and you can - be kind, be accepting, since this is what all people crave, including yourself. When your aspirations change from craving beauty and avoiding rejection to giving out goodness, then your worries will change with them. The injustices of life cannot change who you choose to be. Being truly loved also helps.
Thanks for your post LtB, especially the line "be kind, be accepting, since this is what all people crave, including yourself." Very true! :-)
Load More Replies...My husband (48) hates his greying hair, he thinks it makes him look "Old". To me (49), he looks the same as he did when we first met as teenagers :)
A man once told me that men only notice how you look for the first few minutes. After that they only notice and afterwards remember how they feel when they are with you. I have lived a long life since and have found this to be true. I have unfortunately also understood that women are much more critical of each other’s appearance than men are of women’s appearance. The most hurtful personal comments that we’re made to me in my long life always came from other women. Girls are not always very nice to each other.
Boys and men say (and do) incredibly hurtful things to women they deem to be unattractive. Have you been on the Internet?
Load More Replies...Honestly what changed my whole perspective on beauty/attractiveness is something my grandmother said. I guess I was down because I was being bullied for my looks or something (this was five years ago, I struggle to remember). She was quiet for a long time, and then she asked me who I looked up to. I told her Mother Theresa. She then asked me whether she was pretty or not in her younger years. I couldn't answer that question, because I had never even noticed or cared. She then said something along the lines of this: "Be known for your kindness and actions, (my real name). Not your looks. No one really cares what the most influential, caring people look like, honey. Someday we will all be ugly and old, anyways. Don't waste your young years like I did back in the older times." (paraphrased) And though I sometimes struggle with self-esteem, that is something that has helped me a lot and kind of motivated to me to suck it up and be a better person, for lack of better words.
Mother Theresa intentionally withheld medications from people because she thought it brought them closer to religious characters. She didn’t care about healing anyone. She created hospices (place you go to die) in order to get more catholic followers. She was not beautiful inside or out. And most people aren’t as influential as her anyway. You’re just creating another impossible standard to live up to. Be a good person because it’s the right thing to do, not to make yourself feel better about looks.
Load More Replies...I've been unattractive my whole life. I married the first man who showed serious interest in me, and lived to regret it. I keep hearing all the time how a woman should just be herself, and a real man will be drawn to her. I'm almost 50, and I'm still waiting.
I totally feel her. She wasn't really mean of seeking love or attraction for man. I do always hate my appearance since I started to expose myself with various people. Most people tend to compare me with my friends or family member (especially female). That is one of the reason why I'm so depressed. I hate myself more as I heard people talking about me. And even more hate like about to kill myself as I was a shameful person among my friends (I once heard someone say so). I don't mean to be ungrateful about myself. But, the society never be enough with how I look like. Even some will say just be yourself. But,do all of them will accept me? How I look like or how I act? Life is totally unfair. I was bullied before because of my appearance and guess what.? Those who bullied me nowadays has better life. Instead, my life are getting worse. The depression never stop me from hurting myself. And my hate towards myself never be stop. I even wish that I'll be vanishe
Speak to someone - a pastor, therapist or friend who can help you to get a new perspective and perhaps some advice on how to heal. Rejection hurts as painfully as a physical wound or grief, and needs work to heal. It can cause you to spiral into self hating thoughts which relive the rejection event, keeping the wound from healing. You may need medication to help break free from this pattern. I found my god to be my source of love and healing from rejection, but you might find another way (art, therapy, new friendships). Rejection pain can cause depression because it takes the longest time to resolve of all the pains and so is emotionally exhausting. Depression is deadly so it is something worth fixing - I wish you well in your fightxx
Load More Replies...All women need to understand that you don't need to be gorgeous in order to be seen as beautiful. Confidence, a good heart and kindness will always shine trough, and there is nothing sexier that that.
That only works for average looking people. Ugly is ugly. It's not just "not gorgeous", it's actually ugly.
Load More Replies...I was talking to an old woman on the bus, and she was really nice. And suddenly, I think that wrinkles are really beautiful. It doesn´t have to be romantic or sexual. The moment we like someone, we start finding their appearance beautiful.
If you're ugly, or even average-looking, combined with being awkward, hated ethnicity, etc. - then you'll be treated much worse. I'm regularly given dirty looks in public (mostly from men), and treated as subhuman. I get condescending treatment everywhere - even from therapists and others whose jobs are to be kind and non-judgmental to everyone. Places of worship - I'm judged and ignored as harshly as everywhere else - in direct opposition to the kindness and tolerance they claim at those places. Common courtesy is completely lost when it comes to me. I'm more invisible than invisible. No one remembers my name, even after I say it multiple times. You instantly remember the name of someone you're attracted to - you'll never remember or appreciate anything about someone you think is ugly. For people who are not only ugly, but also seen as awkward, uncool, unwanted ethnicity, etc - we have the worse lives in the universe. Nothing ever works out.
It's harder too as a woman ages. I'm not bad looking for my age but I doubt any man my age would be interested in a woman his age. Most men want to date younger women. At least that has been my experience.
Modern women in their 20s spend their days having "fun" and monkey branching from one alpha male to another, then when they get into their 30s and want to settle down and have a family they are surprised to see that those alphas are not interested in them anymore and are going for 20 something women. Then if they dont secure anyone or if they get divorced in their 30s they get into their 40s and find that they have even less options if any. Women need to use their youth and beauty to settle down with a man and have a family instead of thinking "they can always do better". Sorry to say this ladies but you are born rich and lose your wealth as you get older, men are born poor and accumulate wealth as they age (if they have a good head on their shoulders).
Load More Replies...Every time my partner looks at me I see that filter switch in his eyes, it's how I know he loves me it was also how I knew he had fallen in love with me before he told me. I still get butterflies and my heart skips a beat every time I see him as well even after all these years.
I've never been beautiful . . . BUT . . . I'll be smart and funny all my life! Do you even wanna hang with people who are only interested in looks? Collect interesting people around you and you will never be lonely. Beauty only lasts a few years (they better marry young) and a great dress or lots of makeup last even less. You have a life!
Lol I'd hang with you any day purely from great wit!! Much better than looks anyday
Load More Replies...He described the process of growing familiar with someone’s features, coming to like them, and then taking a turn down the alley of limerence (infatuation). Not a bad description. Here’s another thing to consider: lack of conventional beauty doesn’t mean there aren’t other compelling qualities. I’ve noticed the most beautiful people don’t necessarily have the best minds or personalities. People are treated differently when conventionally beautiful. They often get preferential treatment and don’t necessarily develop the best social skills, empathy & thoughtfulness, as a result of less effort needed to get by. It’s somewhat true that some struggle can build character (only some; too much struggle results in developing compensatory behaviors that cause problems of their own). While conventional beauty can be exciting, I’ve rarely met such people who also have great minds & personalities. I’ll take an average body with a great mind any day.
Some day Bored Panda’s web master really needs to learn how to allow us to use paragraphs.
Load More Replies...My FB friends constantly post photos of their attractive children and people all comment "Lovely", "Gorgeous", "Stunning" and it irks me. One particular girl is very pretty but is also very accomplished and you don't hear about the accomplishments, you just see photos of the "pretty". I think its sad. And one family has two daughters and constantly refers to one as "the pretty one" (the other one is nice looking too) and that drives me crazy! Pretty is simply winning the genetic lottery and has nothing to do with character or achievement. I've also known people who were very attractive in their youth who have aged "poorly" and they still act like everyone hangs on their every word and they are automatically adored...and they're not. I call this "When pretty gets old syndrome". I know it sounds hollow, but I wouldn't want to be pretty. As a man, I can honestly tell you that pretty might catch a man but it won't keep a man.
He’s right but that didn’t answer her question. She wants to deal with being unattractive, not find love and acceptance from her lover. My advice would be to stay off social media. But even then, you’ll encounter unfairly beautiful women in real life. The honest answer is there’s really nothing you can do other than pretend it doesn’t bother you until it actually stops bothering you, get plastic surgery, or everything short of it (gym, makeup, clothes, dentist, haircare).
Deff stay off social media agreed!! And yes it bothers her so much at least get some therapy to see she probably has sooo much more than a supposive "pretty girl"
Load More Replies...So he tells a woman who is unconfident about her looks how he fell in love with a girls nose and breasts... very helpful for a person with probably a crooked nose and size zero breasts. He basically just describes what it's like to fall in love with somebody. And it's a fact that this also depends on looks. It's also b******t that this "love at first sight" head over heels crush phenomenon automatically leads to lifelong happy relationships and elderly people being married for 50 years. The majority of people you fall in love with – exactly like that dude described – will break your heart sooner or later and most couples who live in long lasting marriage or relationship can tell you that their "secret" to staying together is mostly a matter of endurance, tolerance, will, compromise and forgiveness rather than having a simple crush.
I'm 36 and am entirely invisible to men and I have been my entire life. Does it suck? , yep sure does, but thank God I see value in myself beyond my physical body, otherwise I may not be here. I hope she finds her value.
I think it all boils down to your confidence level, and what you believe from things like the media (Victoria Secret models, etc.). It's ingrained in us to WANT to be thinner, prettier. I've never been categorized as pretty or beautiful. but my confidence, self-image (as i got older) and sense of humor made me more attractive to people than i thought i was. now (lol), i'm in the frumpy category, but i'm good with it because i gave up trying to be something i'm not and learned to love me for what i am. You just have to take that step & change your mind-set; forget about what society thinks is the perfect woman! you really do need to learn to love yourself before you can expect someone to love you for who you are. And i love reading stuff like this from the guys--it's awesome when they are confident enough to share their inner thoughts like what that guy posted!
this is extremely rare, men go for looks at first, they are just wired that way, they are visual whereas women are more about how someone makes them feel.
I feel like I could have written the reddit post. I usually get told you need to love yourself, and you'll meet someone. I'm not saying it doesn't help because I've seen it with my own friends and family. However, when you grow up with everyone, including your own mother telling you that you're ugly, it is a struggle. I do a lot of travelling as well, and anywhere I've been, I've had at least someone make a comment on my face. Every single date I've ever been on, the guy doesn't ask for a second date because I am too ugly (they've confirmed this because I ask) and I've just been rejected again for being too ugly. I am going to be 33 soon, and I've never had a relationship. I always hoped the older I get, the less people care about appearances but I've found this to be untrue. Everyone was wrong about that, because people used to tell me when I was younger that the older you get, the less people care about appearances but in my case, it's not true.
Also, I know plenty of people who absolutely do not love themselves, and they're in relationships and they're attractive. So it's not just about self-love. Maybe if I'd grown up in a confident environment (since I do know personality matters) I would have had a better chance, but as of right now, I feel too nervous to even leave my house because I feel too ugly, oh and I went grocery shopping today and a couple walked past me and the girl said: "Oh my god ew, did you see that woman's face?" as soon as they passed. Situations like that are why I am nervous to go out in public. I get sick of hearing how ugly I am, especially since I take care of myself. I'm very well groomed and healthy. I look like a man though.
Load More Replies...Still being young and slender, before going out in my yoga pants, I tie a long jacket around my waist to cover up what would otherwise be revealed. I do this for the love of other women and their men whose eyes I would rather have on one another, rather than on my behind. Do unto others, you know?
To the OP, you're not alone, and it's not only women. I'm an older guy [65], and have been so insecure about my appearance [call it ugliness if you want], that I've been by myself for 20+ years. I don't have the looks, but I do have the heart, even if it is broken. Nothing anyone could possibly change anything for me this late in life. I've lived alone, and I'll die alone.... Looking forward to not waking up anymore.
moved even beyond tears by all precise & nuanced resonance of the underlying meanings & significance of this traumatized marine & man who so ably captures the subtle mysterious ways in which men & women truly do fall in love. even to those of us who have been through dark past experiences &/or are disable (myself), it can & does still happen - thankfully! sometimes it's the only thing that keeps us going. thank you sir for this beautiful, shining example of just how important it is to remind & encourage others that one is not seen only as just a summation of our features. the vital step or part, i believe most often overlooked or deemed unimportant, is really taking time to get to know & enjoy or not the other person.
I would've been described as very cute...never mind that all I could think of was the terrible 2 front broken teeth I had ( that my widowed mom couldn't afford to fix), so I always hid my smile with my hands & actually hid from people ! I still have the same problem today at age 71 !! Sometimes we need to find peace with ourselves & LIVE !!!
I really and truly have never met a physically ugly person - man or woman. I've met people who are not "perfect", and can still find them attractive. I kind of understand what the man is saying - it's a package deal with people. What makes you YOU is so many thing. Some of the most unattractive people I've met have been classically beautiful - but have zero personality. Might be fine for some, but not for me. Lots of shallow people out there who are missing out. Their loss, but it still can hurt.
My husband was in no way shape or form my teenage idea of the perfect guy. I wanted blonde, skinny, hairless and tan. He's short, dark hair, hairy and pale. What was so attractive? The fact that he treated me with style and grace. We talked as though best friends our whole lives. There was never any awkwardness or uncomfortable moments when we were together. We just clicked. We were married after knowing each other for only 7 weeks. We just celebrated 28 years of marriage. My only regret is that one day..one of us will pass away. And I can't bear the idea of one of us having to endure the pain of not being with the other.
Oh my god!!!! How freaking beautiful...and it's true. If someone is only interested in your physical beauty...watch out. If god forbid...something happens that marrs or defaces that appearance, that person will not be sticking around. Personally...I've always been more attracted to a person's intelligence, kindness and humility over their physical appearance. If that person also happens to be quirky and different from the norm...it's a huge plus. I've known beautiful women who I couldn't stand to be around or even look at because their personalities sucked.. or they're stupid, vain, ignorant. Find someone who adores you for all that you are and are not...you've got a keeper!
It's funny you should say that James. I heard how one woman was rear ended in a car accident sending the tailgate of her truck up into the cab causing her to be paralyzed from the waist down. Her husband came into her hospital room, shook his head and said "I can't deal with this" and left. She never saw him again. Now she's a strong business woman that met the man of her dreams. Maybe the accident was a blessing in disguise..helped her to see the first husband for what he was..a coward that didn't take the vows "in sickness and in health" seriously. Glad she found true love.
Load More Replies...THEN she softened and said, "the thing you get to take credit is for what you create in HERE (pointed to my head) and what you do in HERE (pointed to my heart).. this is where real beauty and magic comes from",.... AND THAT, has kept me in my life, whatever scale I feel I'm in among whatever room I'm in , completely in tune and in check with where my "pretty" and "ugly" feelings belong. They are arbitrarily attachments to somewhat of a lottery.. I DO take credit for the shape I'm in, how I keep the "machine running" and how I dress it... and those elements too help a LOT with presenting your lottery ticket of genes... and after that CONFIDENCE from within. Till I was in grade 11, I lived thinking I was the awkward european tall girl .. and I didn't care. I felt like I had things to learn and grow in my head and my heart.. and sure enough, my favorite compliments are always that my "insides" are attractive to people. Those are the compliments that stick more than "you're hot"
That beauty thing is...complicated. What that guy said was undoubtedly wonderful and very heart warming but I must say I can't fully agree with it. A guy(or a girl, but I feel as though the double standards are kinda tilted in guys' honour there, with girls putting a lot more effort into being attractive) can definitely fall for a girl(a guy) who is not beautiful by the common standards and this girl will very likely be the most beautiful for them, but...that means that this girl somehow caught they attention enough for them to even begin to notice all the small wonderful things about her or even have that personality 'click'. Maybe it was the circumstances turning that way that they had a lot of exposure to each other(work/study together, or perhaps some stressful experience bonding or Idk). Maybe it was the magic of the internet where you get to know and possibly like the person before you even know what they look like.
Maybe it was the guy being extremely attentive and noticing her inner beauty no matter her looks...or, in absolute most of the cases, maybe she caught his attention visually. Either by confining to society's/that guy's standards of beauty or by having that air of passion and life about her that makes any woman look beautiful(not something insecure people will have). Beauty is not enough to build a lasting relationship on, but it will certainly help get you started. It took me a while to be able to honestly admit that.
Load More Replies...We need to find a way to fight back against advertising. They have implanted ideas into everyone's heads about what is right and wrong. And they've been doing it since the first ad agency. We go right along with it. We are brainwashed.
Nobody is perfect and hell yeah if you'll think you're ugly then everyone will fell the same....be confident in what you wear and a change your thinking...think you're attractive and people fell the same.. I myself a 5.6ft , thin , no beard, no muscles is being sent to the meetings with client because of my personality .... it is all about the +ve and -ve energy your mind releases makes you who you really are..always remember, personality is not what you look like, it comes from within
I don't think so, Sarah Jessica Parker thinks she's attractive and she looks like a shaved camel.
Load More Replies...This response was beautifully worded, but my feeling is that finding the right man isn't really her issue. There will probably be a person out there who does fall for her - but she will never experience the pleasure of knowing that her appearance is striking, that people in general enjoy looking at her. I have spent my entire life aware that I am not pretty. (I am 68.) I have always tried to make the most of what I have, but even now I wonder what my life might have been like if I had been more attractive.
Believe me as beautiful life is not always easier. If sometimes it's much harder!!
Load More Replies...I always think of that Twilight Zone episode, eye of the beholder, when I feel ugly. It is on Netflix if you have not seen it
The beautiful woman is hideous to the hideous " normal" people. That episode cut me deeply. I have 3 beautiful sisters and I was always the unattractive strange girl.
Load More Replies...That lady IS beautiful. Beauty means different things to different people in different places. To some, it may be blonde hair, blue eyes, and tan skin, while to others it could mean black hair and pale skin. Yet others like brown hair with hazel eyes, red hair with brown eyes, and so many other combinations. But to accept yourself, what's working for me is this: "Why do I care about this person's opinion?" Why do you care about how the average man sees you? You're looking for someone as EXTRAORDINARY as you, right? It's working for me, at least. Oh, and I really liked what that guy said. It's helped me to figure out the mystery that's been plaguing me for a long time a bit better.
Wow, I rarely comment on what I read, but this left me crying. I'm crying for a love I'm pretty sure I'm never going to experience.
When you're told multiple times that you're fat and ugly, you start to believe it.
Coming from a perspective of someone who has been considered good looking all her life. It doesn't matter. Do you know who I'm jealous of? That couple most people will make fun of, because they're not society's ideal of good looking. Why? Because they know that the other person loves them for them, and not just because of what they look like. You get treated like you don't have a brain, or are incompetent because you're pretty.
That man said, what a lot of men want to say, but can't find the words.
This isn't the whole story though. A man won't be interested in getting to know a woman he isn't attracted to. So while someone might become MORE beautiful to you as you get to know them and fall in love, to act like looks don't matter because of that...is kind of naive. Obviously you don't have to be a supermodel to find love or we'd all be screwed, but let's not act like unattractive people, especially women, don't face many challenges. And let's not forget that old couples like the one described here aren't that common. Many people, sadly, don't even really see their spouses at that point. The wife is just a walking, breathing appliance that cooks dinner.
Many of the women in my social group are not what would typically be called "pretty" or "attractive" (which really are not the same thing). But we're open to friendship and enjoy similar activities, so we have social lives. If you wilt because of your own feelings of inadequacy, it's on you. Look for people who enjoy activities you enjoy - like Meetup.com - and go in with a sense of confidence. You'll find people to whom the superficial does not matter.
I suppose you could liken it to a car in a showroom, whilst you may not like the whole initially, you like the rear lights, the dash, the steering wheel, the smell of the upholstery, you keep seeing things you do like and stop noticing the things which at first glance were not as nice. Simplistic yes, of course it is, but what about women, I think they must do this with men all their lives, how else would an old fat fart like me have a woman who loves me. Human nature is what makes others attractive, not how they look.
What wouldn't any of us give to find that companion? The one worth waiting for? Unfortunately, that's not how it works. I'm friendly, funny, entertaining and maybe a 6 on the cute scale. Ask me how many guys EVER look at me with that kind of attitude? I'm not bitter, I'm not whining, I'm saying...in a perfect world this might happen. In reality, we get real good at being everyone's friend.
Savage Henry's way is the one most likely to succeed, as it parallels the advice in the great Dusty Springfield's --"Wishin' and Hopin'." That song advises "wear your hair just for him, do the things he likes to do," which means "find ways to make him important to you (ask his opinion on things) and try to become important to him" (learn about his favorite teams; his career ambitions?, etc.). The more you participate in his life, the more he'll participate in yours. All this starts in little ways, but they add up. See the movie "Funny Girl": Men like funny women (haven't you noticed that many plain men compensate with humor)? Be a Boy Scout--kind, considerate, trustworthy and brave (I'm sure the Girl Scouts have the same creeds.) Now find a mirror. Maybe you're a bit plain, even quite plain, but you are not ugly unless you scare horses, cause miscarriages and stop clocks. Saying you're ugly isn't "facing facts." It's attacking yourself. Stop that right now.
When someone is in love feelings of disgust is overrided. My boyfriend is absolutely positively handsome and even if his face got ran over by a car and he somehow survived I would still call it that and kiss it all over. ^^
She has bought into all the magazines models, super stars with a giazillion plastic surgeries. I am not considered pretty, by any means. My personality and humor is what makes me attractive, as well as my attitude towards life....
Exactly!! Like who makes beautiful or attractive attractive.. believe in yourself if high schools over.. hell we all went through it even of we WERE attractive we weren't ATTRACTIVE enough.. but we moved on and life goes on!
Load More Replies...She's wasting her time trying to be pretty to MOST men. You're either YOU and pretty to the one you care about (yes, you have to find him first, and you won't do it on social media), or you're just a cliche to be passed around.
The more you know someone, the less aesthetics matter. I had a roommate (45 years ago) who was a 9/10; she was as dumb as a box of rocks, she couldn't carry on a conversation if her life depended upon it, and when she married, she screwed around the entire time. The surface is nice, but the person beneath it is what matters.
I had a roommate who was a 9/10; nice to look at, but a terrible person. She couldn't carry on a conversation if her life depended upon it, and once she finally married, she was unfaithful for her entire marriage. She and I are both in our 70's, and she's still scamming and f**king her way through life. I, on the other hand, am not a gorgeous woman, but I have my own life and at peace with where I am. She will never be there. Like my now-deceased mom used to say "Kissing don't last, good cooking do". Yeah, she was a hillbilly!
I think what was written is beautiful and right on the money. Men are very often criticised for being too biological in their patterns of behaviour especially around women, I think they are right to say we men are attracted to beauty. We are sexual animals after all and our behaviour, luckily has been modified within our societies expectations. Most men are by and large respectful of women and bring security and happiness to relationships. There are exceptions. I am a male not particularly good looking yet athletic and funny. I have had my unfairshare of negative comments directed toward me by both men and women. These actions, I put down to competition. People competing for status, jobs, partners and possessions. We all must develop resilience to this, yep it hurts but in the end it is only a persons opinion expressed in a moment. I love a chat and have spoken to many people around the world. What i have found is that most people are the same. So relax and enjoy your own company. s
Some people get lucky. Some do not. I'm relatively attractive (not the glam type, but definitely okay looking), and I have not been lucky. Many less attractive women have been more lucky - not in getting 'male attention', but in meeting someone to love and be loved by. Meeting that special someone who 'gets' you and wants to be with you takes a whole lot of luck that not all of us have been fortunate to have.
Sixteen years ago, after three weeks of dating, my boyfriend, out of nowhere, said "I love you" and I found myself replying "I love you too" even though he had taken me completely by surprise. So I got even the following weekend by asking him to marry me. He damn near fell off the couch (we were just sitting in his living room chatting) but once that passed he said "yes" as soon as he caught his breath. We were married a couple months later. This was back in 2002 and we will celebrate our sixteenth anniversary next month.
IF you act confidently, believe that you are beautiful, popular and the leader of a group. You will be seen as that. If you behave like you are worth diamonds, like you have so many lovers that you are tired of them all, like you are so funny and gorgeous everybody want’s you in their party. THATS WHAT YOU WILL BECOME! Beause people se you through yourself - that’s the best way I can explain it. Even if you look like a pig but you are confident and like yourself, dear to speak to the opposite sex or who ever you like to speak to people will look at you in a whole different way! than if you walk around telling yourself that you are ugly, you won’t get more friends and nobody wants you as their partner. SADLY YOU MAKE SURE IT STAYS THAT WAY THEN.There are so many famous singers and actors that do not fit in society’s way of looking beautiful, but we don’t care 🤷♀️ because they are famous and adored ( confident and believe in themselves) so we just accept that they look awesome and agrees.
It's ironic that beauty in the eye of the beholder is also relative to culture and your developmental phase. I think what your parents tell you to help you deal with ANY kind of comment on your appearance is KEY. Because whether you get told by some other kid (or adult) that you are pretty and ugly, you will have your parent/s interaction with those terms to guid how much they matter. I was awkward tall giraffe, I would say I looked like a boy for much of my childhood... then one day, in grade four, a teacher told me I was pretty. I was ecstatic because I had heard this word used by then to refer to people and things I too found aesthetically pleasing. I came home and said "Mom! Guess what? Someone called me pretty.!" and she sat me down and very sternly said, "So what? What you look like is a lottery you owe FULLY to your ancestors, you got your looks from me and your father and we in turn got them from our parents so no one really gets to OWN the credit for their looks. " pt2
Why on earth are some people making this a gender issue. For goodness' sake.
What a sweet man. Wonder who told her she wasn't that made her feel that way?
+1 Guy here. My partner is lovely to me, as whats inside her can not be replicated. I was once asked by a female that I thought was a good friend " Why do some guys go out with such ugly women?" She thought she was something special, and when I heard she was running me down to my partner, she suddenly became just an acquaintance. 'probably not evolved enough for true friendship'.
I *AM* ugly. Always been, always will be. Ugly enough for my husband to think I'm not attractive. I'm not smart either, so I try compensating by being nice. I know that it works, I have friends and, as mentioned, a husband. But I'm always aware that I'm lacking, and that's exhausting.
I think the man who wrote that is beautiful, no matter how he looks. None of us can see ourselves as others see us...I have friends who think they are ugly and they are so wrong, the face you see frozen in a picture can't begin to convey how lovely someone can look when they are talking or laughing.
Years back, one of my sisters asked me if she was beautiful. I had to think for a few seconds, then said, "You're striking looking, and sometimes that's more important than being beautiful." She seemed satisfied with that. She later fell in love with Canada's north -- and the lovely Northerner who lured her there.
Years back, one of my sisters asked me if she was beautiful. I had to think for a few seconds, then said, "You're striking looking, and sometimes that's more important than being beautiful." I don't know what her husband thinks, but he's certainly happy they met!
What do you say? WHAT. DO.You SAY? The words from this man are echoing around the globe, only within the heads of those who really, REALLY needed to hear it. Wish I could make him dinner...
for me accepting that I don't owe it to anyone to be pretty helped quite a bit
Beauty comes from within. When you believe you are beautiful, you are--even if the way your features were put together isn't aesthetically in alignment with the traditional concept of beauty. People who radiate confidence are more beautiful than those who don't. People who radiate love, compassion, and connection are beautiful. People filled with hatred for others or for themselves look ugly, even if their features knit together well. This woman needs to learn to love herself. When she does that, she'll radiate that into the world and others will respond in kind.
you mean well but that's nonsense. Lots of ugly people think they're beautiful and they're not fooling anybody but themselves.
Load More Replies...This man seems wise as well as prolific, he should write books. His thoughts are something I was craving as I read along.
If you ever met me in person, you'd think, "How does that grabasstic douchebag remember to tie his boots in the morning?". I do appreciate the compliment, though!
Load More Replies...I've seen a few comments saying that the guy didn't answer the OP, but in a roundabout way, he did. Sure, he went into overdrive a little bit, but I think what you're asking for is a closing remark like "In short, when you're with the right people, be they friends, or a boyfriend, they won't care how you look, because your infectious personality will have won them over, and that's what they like about you, and it's what they miss when you're not around. If the people you're trying to mingle with only care about appearances, don't bother with them. They're usually only nice on the outside, and aren't worth the trouble."
You nailed it! Her comment seemed to (without explicitly mentioning so) be about acceptance - that of others, and of herself. She also wants to be accepted by others in a very specific way. I hope she found it.
Load More Replies...I'm going to repeat something I said in a different thread, because I think it's just as relevant to this one: There is "objective beauty" which is whatever society is currently trying to tell you you should be. (This changes over time.) And then there's what really matters - subjective beauty. Everyone has different qualities that they find personally attractive, and this changes over time, too. It is extremely likely that no matter what you look like, some moderate percentage of the population will find you somewhat attractive and some of those will find you simply stunning. And if someone gets to know you and falls in love, none of that will matter: no one else will be able to compete. So just stop worrying about whether YOU find you attractive. You're not the person who needs to be impressed. Just go find someone who likes you. They're out there, and you're bound to run across one of them eventually.
That doesn't address the fear that people in her everyday life are reacting to her based on her looks, and I guess I don't know a lot about that. I'm not objectively pretty. I'm also extremely geeky (and dress the part), I never wear make-up, I have the bushiest eyebrows that I don't pluck - but I've never felt I'm being treated poorly for it. So it doesn't seem likely that that's what's going on here... but I'm not in her shoes, I don't know. I do think she has to find a way to live as though it's *not* true, because constantly fearing it is not healthy. I wish her luck.
Load More Replies...Sexuality is more of a scope I think, this allows a lot of versatility to who we find attractive and although there are still 'standards' of beauty I think the variety of people, types, wants, needs and desires trump those standards.
I'm an elderly woman (70), one who was very cute from birth through about 3 years old, and then gradually became...homely, to put it nicely....and boys would be horribly mean about it. I did marry a man when I was 20 and he was 23, even though I wasn't at all pretty. His exceedingly unkind mother said, about 3 months after we married, that she wished "R could have married S. She was a lot prettier than you, and she was a good drinking and smoking buddy for me. I wish she hadn't married that other guy! R only married you because he was hurt and lonely, and wanted to get back at S." Yeah. He basically confirmed that over the course of our nine years of marriage. Second husband---only married me because he wanted to make his girlfriend of 11 years jealous enough to marry him (didn't know about her at the time, but she didn't marry him after our very brief one month "marriage." One major reason he stated for divorcing me..."You're just too homely for any man to ever want you."
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Hate to break it to you, ladies, but I've seen that post copied multiple times by different men, so for all we know he may not even be the original poster.
Sorry to burst your bubbles, ladies, but I've seen that post copied multiple times by other men, so for all we know, he may not even be the original poster.
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I am ugly on the inside and out. I don't mean that I am evil or unkind, quite the opposite. But I have no charm or endearing personality. Life is very lonely and for most of my life I have been alone. I have wonderful parents and siblings and am truly blessed. But I have never had someone fall in love with me, or make a connection with. So very, very sad.
Please, I have seen people copy/paste that very same comment several times in different forums. How do we know that he said it first?
Please, I've seen people copy/paste that several times in different forums. How do we know he's the one who said it first?
This is exactly what I was thinking as I read this. I'm in my 20s and average looking, and men are sometimes interested in me. But to act like looks don't matter because a man falls in love with a woman's unique features as he gets to know her...that's just...not quite right. He still has to find her attractive or he won't be interested in getting to know her better.
I just want to say Thank you I loved what you said, now dont get me wrong i was always quite beautiful and i suppose i still am but as I age I harshly judge myself and so therefore toolkit upon myself to read this article and I actually sent it to 3 of my bestfriends just because I wanted them to see from a mans perspective what he thought.q
I’m considered “attractive” or whatever you want to call it. However, after recently becoming sick and getting a chronic diagnosis- let me tell you i would trade every discount, line jump, free drink, free meal, whatever, all of it in a heartbeat to be back at my old physical capabilities. Please realize your looks do not define you or your quality of life. Do not let that be an excuse to accept unhappiness, it is nothing at the end of the day.
Still being slender and young, before going out, I tie a long jacket around my waist to cover up what my yoga pants would otherwise reveal. I do this for the love of other women and their men, whose eyes I'd rather have on each other, than on my behind. Do unto others, you know?
I can't here how I look I get mistaken to nothing like the personality I am life's been hard & I've not weathered it well unfortunately same really because I'm quite sensitive being very respectful of others feelings & been known to give my thing I hold dear to be kind to people I'm not sure if I'm gullabe or stupid at times with the value of a non person & looks of a total arsehole life's quite harsh at times but it's better than nothing appreciated what goes send my way I get to tell the tail even they some times my life's so fantastical I'd not believe it myself if I hadn't been there lol
It explains too, why when you look back on a failed relationship you no longer feel attracted
That describes my fiancé before she passed away from complications of cancer and cushing's ... the few weeks before she died, she bigger than when I first met her ... her hair was just growing back, but was still shedding ... she had a colostomy bag and could bare talk ... however, she still looked as beautiful to me as the day I met her ... it is like there's a filter there that let's us just ignore or not emphasize the "negative" and accentuates the "positive" ...
Looks do matter when it comes to getting a job/getting a raise/getting a role/being treated more nicely than the rest of the crowd, so called "preferential treatment. True. But when it comes to being happy, there is no correlation - the most beautiful girl in my high school committed a suicide (broken heart), the best looking colleague never got married... Of course it's better to be beautiful! But since we don't have much choice here - I'm tall and big (I hate the f-word... Ok, I'm also fat), wear glasses and most men in this country look straight through me - let's at least try to be happy. Tough, I know.
Since he does EMS I'm guessing this poet was a Corpsman (highly trained Marine medic). He's part of a rarified group of poetic medics that includes Allen Ginsberg, Ernest Hemingway, Walt Whitman, e.e.cummings, Gertrude Stein (and me). Also a visual visionary named Walt Disney.
it's partly Walt Disney's fault that we are conditioned to judge women by looks in the first place!!
Load More Replies...I've been married to the man that walked into my life like and old time movie were true rlove come in with the with as he walk through the doors . I agree it does something to the mine I've been told I was not pretty for my whole life but this man thinks I beautiful and I side and out, so don't give up.
It is true, but the flash to bang can also be compressed into a short time and sometimes you don't need to have even met for it to have started ))
Just read the book Eleanor and Park. It's almost the same but more detailed and uh, romantic
I agree. You feel the vibe and that generates your feelings about the look.
I'd probably get a million downvotes but I'm gonna say it, because I don't really care what strangers think of me: I think that this woman and really, anyone who goes to ridiculous extents just to be accepted by society(forcing oneself to smoke or take drugs just because everyone else in the company does it, for example) is completely vacuous. There are so much more important things than being liked by a bunch of people that won't even remember you tomorrow and people lasting their life in efforts to become "pretty" or maintain their "prettiness" and always looking in the mirror are one of the chief reasons the society is going downhill. Honestly, suppress your instincts and start using that brain! It evolved for millions of years to be used!
I honestly feel that a huge component in both how you perceive your own attractiveness and how attractive you actually are to others comes from within. I'm an only child, and was brought up by smart, confident people, to be smart and confident. I have bad skin and never wear even a little makeup, I slouch, I sometimes look as tired as I chronically am, and I'm usually rocking a 4-6 on the pain scale. Am I ugly? Nope. Am I even unattractive? Not even a little. I think everyone has the capacity to be as beautiful as they want to be, but it can't all come from hair and skin and clothes and jewelry. Those things can help, because aesthetically most people do have things that look flattering on them, accentuate certain features, etc., but beauty isn't 100% about hitting all the checkmarks for what the media has told us is attractive.
Been with three beautiful girls in my life: – The first cheated on me with a friend, still wearing the jewelery I had given her for anniversary. – The second always played power games on me and craved sexual dominance all the time when I just wanted innocent love. – The third dumped me by text message on my birthday, explaining that "she needs to find her own way out of her debts and her deadend job, rather than just moving in with a man who gives her everything without her having to make an effort. That would be too easy." Been with three less attractive girls in my life: – The first one had a kind heart and a good personality, but she was overweight, had depression, lost her job and made my lose my face, because she appeared at offical events in a greasy hoodie and baggy pants. – The second one turned mortally ill after 8 years of happy relationship. – The third one was so jealous that she falsely accused me of cheating everytime I just wanted to hang out with my pals.
No matter how beautiful a woman is, her good looks will fade away, just like those beautiful flowers. It is important for every girl to use what to attract a man. If you are using your beautiful looks, finally you may lose both the beauty and the man. But if you use your good personality, like kindness, inner peace, it is better. Your personality is inside, it is very difficult for others to find out, so you must be patient, always be a good girl, I am sure you will attract the same good man for yourself.
Any man who uses the term "mansplaining" is already owned by the feminists.
Don't sweat it. All the pretty girls are divorced. You can't rely on good looks for a good marriage
if women want to find true love, then looks dont matter - their one true love loves them no matter what they look like
As a photographer this topic naturally is part of my everyday work. There is a big misunderstanding when it comes to beauty. Most people think it's the body only. When I say a beautiful person I'm talking about the soul. If you are happy with yourself you are beautiful and that can be seen on the pictures. I had a lot of models with beautiful bodies but they were not looking good on the pictures because one could see they lack strength, are carried away by personal problems that occupies them and that's perfectly ok they need there time to find themselves. This process is the hardest thing to do in life and so often we look for others to take this burden off from us and this is what is driving people away. You want to be beautiful? Learn to love yourself. If you don't make your happiness dependent on being loved by somebody that then is the point when you not only will be most attractive to others but also allow them to enter your life.
if you are a good person inside you are also a beautiful person on the outside you just have to get to love yourself!!!
I don't wear makeup, I've had my teeth straightened with braces for seven years (I had an underbite) till days on end, I'm average chubby. Not morbidly obese but doctors consider that I am. Which I'm ok, I like my size yet I'm self conscious of how people look at me. I worry a lot about my fat belly. (Not pregnant) I'm not pretty, I'm just really a duplicate body and face of my grandma (believe me, I have her old picture looking like exactly like me as a teen) and I really enjoy who I am. Barely touching make up or something with surgery. I'm happy of who I am but many men... that I've met. Wants to change all that until I met my best friend. Who constantly berates me to do squats because he wants me to appreciate my body in a healthy state. He loves my love handles, my appearance, my quirkinesses. He would constantly be worried about me. That's what I like about him.
There is always someone who will find offense with anything, read his comment in context "female, acquaintance" as opposed to a woman he wants a relationship/sex with.
Load More Replies...I think her point was that even in make-up and nice clothes she still does not feel as pretty as other women, if I'm reading your comment correct you're saying that you don't get to dress nice at school.
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