Mom Asks If She’s A Jerk For Giving Her Daughter An Ultimatum Because She Got A Tattoo, Gets A Reality Check
Getting your first tattoo is nerve-wracking. It’s impossible to know exactly how that needle will feel until it pierces your skin, and there’s always a fear in the back of your mind that the piece won’t turn out exactly how you pictured it. But even if the artwork is done perfectly, your loved ones might still have a hard time supporting your choice to get permanent ink.
One mother in particular, who describes herself as “very anti-tattoo,” decided that if her daughter is going to have body art, she won’t be allowed to show it at home. Below, you can find the full story that this mom shared on the “Am I the [Jerk]?” subreddit, as well as a conversation with blogger and mother Cheri Gregory.
This woman’s daughter respected her wishes and waited until finishing her undergraduate degree to get inked
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk (not the actual photo)
But now that she’s moved back home, her mom has decided to enforce new rules surrounding her tattoo
Image credits: Kampus Production (not the actual photo)
Image credits: throwawaymom2234
“It can feel like they’re rejecting everything she stands for, dismissing everything she ever tried to teach them”
Regardless of anyone’s personal feelings about tattoos, there’s no question that they’re incredibly common. According to Saved Tattoo, at least 35% of Americans have one or more tattoos, and about 9% of people in the US have at least 6 pieces of ink. They’re quite popular around the world as well, as EarthWeb reports that 48% of Italy’s population, 47% of residents in Sweden and 43% of people in Australia are tatted up as well. Women are slightly more likely to get some permanent body ink, with 59% of women around the globe having at least one tattoo, compared to only 41% of all men.
To learn more about what it’s like to be a parent whose child comes home with tattoos, we reached out to blogger and mother Cheri Gregory. When it comes to why parents sometimes have a hard time accepting their children’s tattoos, Cheri noted that “when a mother holds strong religious beliefs against tattoos but her children gets inked anyway, it can feel like they’re rejecting everything she stands for, dismissing everything she ever tried to teach them, and discarding everything she ever did for them.”
“I had no clue how much emotion and meaning tattoos could carry until my daughter got full sleeves,” Cheri told Bored Panda. “I’d spent my life trying to ‘keep up appearances’; when Annemarie got all that ink, I felt suddenly exposed. Living in a small conservative religious community, I dreaded how quickly ‘Have you seen Pastor Gregory’s daughter … ?’ would spread and how harshly my husband and I would be judged for her choices.”
We also asked Cheri if she believes parents should have a say in whether or not their adult children get tattoos. “I think it’s less about having ‘a say’ and more about having ongoing conversations about underlying values,” she shared. “When Annemarie got her tattoos, we were supporting her through college. I now recognize that part of my anger over her ink was because she’d spent hundreds of dollars on something I considered ‘frivolous,’ while I was forgoing new shoes in order to afford her college textbooks. If we’d been having ongoing conversations about financial responsibility, her tattoos would have signaled the need to renegotiate who was paying for what. (And I would have gone out and bought myself some new shoes!)”
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
“She sees her body as her canvas, and her ‘ink’ as another way of displaying her art”
Cheri also shared that she too asked her daughter to cover up her tattoos at first, so that she wouldn’t have to see them. “But no matter how many turtlenecks she wore, I still obsessed over them — lamenting that she’d gotten them, wondering what I’d done wrong as a mom, praying that she’d have them removed,” she admitted. “When I finally realized that covering things up doesn’t make them go away, I sought a counselor who could help me understand why my daughter’s tattoos bothered me so much.”
“At one point, Annemarie asked me, ‘Do you have any idea how hard it is that my own mother refuses to look at me if my tattoos are showing?’ That question broke my heart,” Cheri told Bored Panda. “I’d been raised by a legalistic mother, so I did know what it felt like to be on the receiving end of conditional, performance-based love. I decided that having a strong relationship with my daughter was more important to me than clinging to the belief that she was wrong and I was right. ‘I choose to become a mother who changes’ became my new mantra.”
“When I finally asked Annemarie to tell me about her tattoos, I was deeply moved by the stories she told me,” Cheri continued. “Her perspective is so different from the negative programming I grew up with regarding tattoos; she sees her body as her canvas, and her ‘ink’ as another way of displaying her art.”
Image credits: Antoni Shkraba (not the actual photo)
“Practice curiosity about why they chose to get tatted and what their tattoos mean to them”
Cheri’s advice for this particular mother on Reddit is: “First, don’t dump your immediate pain on your child. Process with someone who can help you gain perspective, like a therapist. Second, don’t let your strong reactions eclipse your love for your child. Prioritize your relationship. Third, don’t assume that you automatically know your child’s perspective. Practice curiosity about why they chose to get tatted and what their tattoos mean to them.”
And even though it’s been 8+ years since Cheri first saw her daughter’s tattoos, she says that she empathizes with the OP. “I can still feel my initial reactions: shock and shame, fear and anger,” she shared. “In hindsight, I can see how stuck in black-and-white thinking I was back then. Examining the inherent biases and underlying prejudices that drove my thoughts, feelings, and reactions has been hard… and incredibly worthwhile.”
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. How do you feel about tattoos? And do you think this mother was being unreasonable? Feel free to share, and then if you’re interested in reading another Bored Panda article featuring a tattoo that caused family drama, look no further than right here.
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
Readers were quick to give the mother a reality check, noting that her daughter is an adult with bodily autonomy
I think the one commenter was spot on. The message this woman gives is that her love of her daughter is conditional. And the condition she makes is arbitrary and cruel. She decides that having her way and making decisions about her daughter's body is more important to her than her daughter's wellbeing. And that she'll punish her daughter for liking things she doesn't like, using her needs against her to do so. That shows she doesn't love her daughter enough to respect her. This is not about anything illegal or seriously inconveniencing. This is not about something her daughter can just stop doing while she's at home. No matter how anyone thinks about tattoos, and I do believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion on this topic, it's still true that the tattoo is now part of her daughter and part of her expression of herself. And what this 'mom' is doing is telling her that just a bit of ink at her shoulder is enough to lose her moms acceptance despite anything else that she does.
Threatening to make your kids homeless is a d1ck move, end of conversation.
You're absolutely right. I ended up having to leave my parents' house during the pandemic even tho I didn't have a job. My brother, who had a place of his own, liked to visit every weekend. The problem was that he worked in a high school that wasn't closed, so there was a good chance of his bringing COVID home. Both my parents and I were high-risk for COVID, and my parents REFUSED to ask him not to visit. They effectively made me homeless; I had to move in with friends for a year until I could find a job. I have never forgiven them, and though I'm still in limited contact with them, our relationship will truly never be the same.
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My mom hated tattoos but it was always "I prefer you had none ..." Without real heat behind it. She even wrote her initial to use as a memorial tattoo when she was terminal ill because it was what I wanted. This mother however is a grade a a******
This lady is making an arbitrary rule and gatekeeping her financial support behind that dumb rule. This is a great way to lose contact with your kid as soon as they're no longer financially dependent on you.
Basically you gave her permission to get the tattoo. Just because you don't like her choice AS AN ADULT, you have no say in it. Now you are restricting her future and her psychological well-being, AFTER your basic consent. You ARE in the wrong. If your love for your daughter is dependent on your aversion of something as trivial as a tattoo, you are demonstrating YOU DON'T LOVE HER UNCONDITIONALLY.
She followed your rules and when she started becoming independent you decided to move the goal post. Personally I hate the idea of getting a tattoo for myself but if someone wants one get a good one.
When you, at 58, would rather teach your kid that it's still your house instead of a loving home than accept that your kid is an adult. That you'd rather have the kid be uncomfortably warm and set her back in life just because you're so close minded. That's just pathetic.
YTA. You're willing to take a sledgehammer to your relationship with your daughter over a butterfly tattoo? Seriously? She kept her part of the original bargain: as long as you were paying for school, no tattoo. Now that SHE'S paying for school, you're still trying to control her life? The first opportunity she has to move out on her own and cut you out of her life may be closer than you think. It may be your house and your rules, but interfering with someone's body autonomy is stepping wa-a-a-ay over the line, which is precisely what you are doing. Eventually your daughter will be on her own--with the tattoo. She may move away, get engaged, and married--while still bearing her tattoo. You may very well miss out on those special life events. But look at the bright side: at least you won't have to look at that tattoo.
And can you imagine if OP has a sleeveless wedding dress? Oh, the horror. Mom will just die of shame!
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The mom is TA and knows it. She's on Reddit, hoping someone will agree with her and reinforce her confirmation bias. That mom better think about when she is old and wants her daughter's help. It would be perfect karma if the daughter put her own non-negotiable conditions on that help. Ex: No, mom, you cannot live with me. You will go in the care home of my choice.
I will never understand parents who put their own preferences over their children’s happiness. My love for my kids will never be conditionally on them following some made up rule that realistically makes no difference to me. Are there things I’d rather my kids didn’t do? Sure, but I’ve raised them to be their own people, to prioritise their own happiness, that includes over mine. Being a decent human being and hoping I’ve raised them without f*****g them up is the best I can ever ask for. There comes a point you need to let your kids go and be the independent individuals you’ve spent their life teaching them to be.
Pump the brakes.... you want her to cover up at home because a butterfly tattoo is gross? You sound really controlling and abrasive. Your daughter is an adult. YOU are an adult. Act like it. If a tattoo is enough for you to throw her out, then be prepared to go NC. Once she doesn't need you, you will be of no use to her at all since you are so judgmental.
Years ago, my mom had a stupid fight with my brother. She gave him the "cold treatment" because she disapproved of his girlfriend. Two weeks later my brother was killed in a car accident. My mother still agonizes over the fact that her last words to her son were filled with bitterness. Life is short - love while you still can.
OP is doing an excellent job of ensuring her daughter will leave her alone for the rest of her life. Seriously, the whole "my house my rules" attitude only serves to push away your children once they're no longer financially dependent on you.
My body, my choice. No one gets to dictate what I wear, what tattoos I have (or indeed don’t have done), where I have piercings, how I cut my hair, how my beard looks, what shoes I wear. You do you, I’ll do me. If it offends you then just move out of the way I’m moving forward without you.
Lol "move out of the way" for a grown adult to move back home with mommy? Did you even read the story? Didnt say anywhere that the mom forbid daughter from getting tattoos or anything.. just doesnt want it in her own home? And moving back in with mommy isnt moving "forward without you" its moving backwards and needing mommy's help
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2 wrongs here, mother doesn't respect her daughter's body autonomy AND DD shouldn't be forced to do an unpaid internship! DD deserves much better!!
ESH.. not a fan of controlling parents, and not a fan of grown adults moving back home for free then complaining about stupid rules.. sounds like family therapy could do these 2 some good.
I had my own place and a daughter at 18 when I got my first tattoo. About a year later mom saw it sticking out of my shirt and freaked. (1998ish). Now, she loves all my daughter's tattoos and has agreed to go get a matching ghost tattoo with my daughter and I. We all love ghost stuff. People can change.
Also, do people read the info in between the actual aita article? Like the bored panda part? Just wondering. I don't.
Load More Replies... Everyone should be allowed to express themselves and show who they are
This could be me both my parents hate tattoos and I have a small butterfly on my shoulder but they just put up with it!
"no i have the rights to decide what you do with/to your body!!" stfu and sit down lady or you'll lose a daughter
My parents hate tattoos. I have 10. My brother has one. My partner (thier SIL) has 4. We are grown a*s adults and every single one of our tattoos are professionally done. But My parents are just like "your body" and don't really say much when I rock up at their house with new ink
YTA, lady. Take it from a fellow 58yo woman who dealt with a mother whose love was conditional on "her rules". I didn't grieve when my mother died. She was a controlling, selfish AH just like you. She loved me when I did what she wanted me to do, and criticized me when I lived my life the way I wanted. You have an amazing daughter who is working her åss off to make her life meaningful, and all you can do is shît on her because she's not exactly like you. She's not your mini-me; she's an individual with her own views and interests. Keep up your büllshit, and you'll lose her. Trust me on this.
I am not pro tattoo. But Revelations 19:16 says Jesus has one on his thigh! So it can’t be a bad thing. It is a matter of personal preference.
What a weird woman. Would the daughter have to wear a wig at home if she got a haircut the mum didn’t like?
My mom HATES tattoos and I have many of them, she was always very vocal about her dislike however she never once threatened me with homelessness if I got one. This is such a controlling thing and it is honestly a very c**p wituation for the daughter. She is putting conditions on her child and that's not ok.
This story seems to come more from the daughter pov than the mother just to make her look bad... I find it interesting that most people saying YTA side with most parents about "my house my rules" especially when dealing with grown adults moving back home.. why is the mom the villain? She is providing free room and only has the one rule. She has every right to not like tattoos just as much as you guys have the right to love them.. and the bs about loving a daughter unconditionally is applied wrong here.. she never said she didnt love her daughter.. she just hates tattoos.. daughter knew the rules and hid the fact she got one for half a year so she knew what problems this would make.. dont like the rules? then, as an adult, find other living arrangements. I mean seriously, who bitches about a "stupid rule" when getting a free place to stay? She isnt a child anymore.
Just because you have the right to make rules doesn't mean that the rules aren't d**k moves. And the OP DID follow the rules, she didn't get a tat while in undergrad. "she never said she didnt love her daughter.. she just hates tattoos.. " - yes apparently more than she loves the daughter. Real nice.
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Is the mother willing to be known as "the mother who was willing to make her daughter homeless over a butterfly tattoo on the shoulder"? I'm glad she had doubts about her rule. The story is over a year old, don't know the outcome. Maybe the daughter wore a a band aid over the tattoo.
People get upset over the dumbest things. I went to the bank the other day, and who helped me but a nice lady with tattoos on her arms. Tattoos are not that controversial anymore and frankly never should have been.
It's been a year since this attention seeking egocentric mom posted her story ... and she still gets what she wants.
NTA, your house your rules. I don’t personally agree with it, but me (nor her) have to agree with it…they’re your rules. And whether I (or anyone else) agree with it or not, mom has been pretty consistent with expectations on the tattoos.
I think the one commenter was spot on. The message this woman gives is that her love of her daughter is conditional. And the condition she makes is arbitrary and cruel. She decides that having her way and making decisions about her daughter's body is more important to her than her daughter's wellbeing. And that she'll punish her daughter for liking things she doesn't like, using her needs against her to do so. That shows she doesn't love her daughter enough to respect her. This is not about anything illegal or seriously inconveniencing. This is not about something her daughter can just stop doing while she's at home. No matter how anyone thinks about tattoos, and I do believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion on this topic, it's still true that the tattoo is now part of her daughter and part of her expression of herself. And what this 'mom' is doing is telling her that just a bit of ink at her shoulder is enough to lose her moms acceptance despite anything else that she does.
Threatening to make your kids homeless is a d1ck move, end of conversation.
You're absolutely right. I ended up having to leave my parents' house during the pandemic even tho I didn't have a job. My brother, who had a place of his own, liked to visit every weekend. The problem was that he worked in a high school that wasn't closed, so there was a good chance of his bringing COVID home. Both my parents and I were high-risk for COVID, and my parents REFUSED to ask him not to visit. They effectively made me homeless; I had to move in with friends for a year until I could find a job. I have never forgiven them, and though I'm still in limited contact with them, our relationship will truly never be the same.
Load More Replies... My mom hated tattoos but it was always "I prefer you had none ..." Without real heat behind it. She even wrote her initial to use as a memorial tattoo when she was terminal ill because it was what I wanted. This mother however is a grade a a******
This lady is making an arbitrary rule and gatekeeping her financial support behind that dumb rule. This is a great way to lose contact with your kid as soon as they're no longer financially dependent on you.
Basically you gave her permission to get the tattoo. Just because you don't like her choice AS AN ADULT, you have no say in it. Now you are restricting her future and her psychological well-being, AFTER your basic consent. You ARE in the wrong. If your love for your daughter is dependent on your aversion of something as trivial as a tattoo, you are demonstrating YOU DON'T LOVE HER UNCONDITIONALLY.
She followed your rules and when she started becoming independent you decided to move the goal post. Personally I hate the idea of getting a tattoo for myself but if someone wants one get a good one.
When you, at 58, would rather teach your kid that it's still your house instead of a loving home than accept that your kid is an adult. That you'd rather have the kid be uncomfortably warm and set her back in life just because you're so close minded. That's just pathetic.
YTA. You're willing to take a sledgehammer to your relationship with your daughter over a butterfly tattoo? Seriously? She kept her part of the original bargain: as long as you were paying for school, no tattoo. Now that SHE'S paying for school, you're still trying to control her life? The first opportunity she has to move out on her own and cut you out of her life may be closer than you think. It may be your house and your rules, but interfering with someone's body autonomy is stepping wa-a-a-ay over the line, which is precisely what you are doing. Eventually your daughter will be on her own--with the tattoo. She may move away, get engaged, and married--while still bearing her tattoo. You may very well miss out on those special life events. But look at the bright side: at least you won't have to look at that tattoo.
And can you imagine if OP has a sleeveless wedding dress? Oh, the horror. Mom will just die of shame!
Load More Replies... The mom is TA and knows it. She's on Reddit, hoping someone will agree with her and reinforce her confirmation bias. That mom better think about when she is old and wants her daughter's help. It would be perfect karma if the daughter put her own non-negotiable conditions on that help. Ex: No, mom, you cannot live with me. You will go in the care home of my choice.
I will never understand parents who put their own preferences over their children’s happiness. My love for my kids will never be conditionally on them following some made up rule that realistically makes no difference to me. Are there things I’d rather my kids didn’t do? Sure, but I’ve raised them to be their own people, to prioritise their own happiness, that includes over mine. Being a decent human being and hoping I’ve raised them without f*****g them up is the best I can ever ask for. There comes a point you need to let your kids go and be the independent individuals you’ve spent their life teaching them to be.
Pump the brakes.... you want her to cover up at home because a butterfly tattoo is gross? You sound really controlling and abrasive. Your daughter is an adult. YOU are an adult. Act like it. If a tattoo is enough for you to throw her out, then be prepared to go NC. Once she doesn't need you, you will be of no use to her at all since you are so judgmental.
Years ago, my mom had a stupid fight with my brother. She gave him the "cold treatment" because she disapproved of his girlfriend. Two weeks later my brother was killed in a car accident. My mother still agonizes over the fact that her last words to her son were filled with bitterness. Life is short - love while you still can.
OP is doing an excellent job of ensuring her daughter will leave her alone for the rest of her life. Seriously, the whole "my house my rules" attitude only serves to push away your children once they're no longer financially dependent on you.
My body, my choice. No one gets to dictate what I wear, what tattoos I have (or indeed don’t have done), where I have piercings, how I cut my hair, how my beard looks, what shoes I wear. You do you, I’ll do me. If it offends you then just move out of the way I’m moving forward without you.
Lol "move out of the way" for a grown adult to move back home with mommy? Did you even read the story? Didnt say anywhere that the mom forbid daughter from getting tattoos or anything.. just doesnt want it in her own home? And moving back in with mommy isnt moving "forward without you" its moving backwards and needing mommy's help
Load More Replies... 2 wrongs here, mother doesn't respect her daughter's body autonomy AND DD shouldn't be forced to do an unpaid internship! DD deserves much better!!
ESH.. not a fan of controlling parents, and not a fan of grown adults moving back home for free then complaining about stupid rules.. sounds like family therapy could do these 2 some good.
I had my own place and a daughter at 18 when I got my first tattoo. About a year later mom saw it sticking out of my shirt and freaked. (1998ish). Now, she loves all my daughter's tattoos and has agreed to go get a matching ghost tattoo with my daughter and I. We all love ghost stuff. People can change.
Also, do people read the info in between the actual aita article? Like the bored panda part? Just wondering. I don't.
Load More Replies... Everyone should be allowed to express themselves and show who they are
This could be me both my parents hate tattoos and I have a small butterfly on my shoulder but they just put up with it!
"no i have the rights to decide what you do with/to your body!!" stfu and sit down lady or you'll lose a daughter
My parents hate tattoos. I have 10. My brother has one. My partner (thier SIL) has 4. We are grown a*s adults and every single one of our tattoos are professionally done. But My parents are just like "your body" and don't really say much when I rock up at their house with new ink
YTA, lady. Take it from a fellow 58yo woman who dealt with a mother whose love was conditional on "her rules". I didn't grieve when my mother died. She was a controlling, selfish AH just like you. She loved me when I did what she wanted me to do, and criticized me when I lived my life the way I wanted. You have an amazing daughter who is working her åss off to make her life meaningful, and all you can do is shît on her because she's not exactly like you. She's not your mini-me; she's an individual with her own views and interests. Keep up your büllshit, and you'll lose her. Trust me on this.
I am not pro tattoo. But Revelations 19:16 says Jesus has one on his thigh! So it can’t be a bad thing. It is a matter of personal preference.
What a weird woman. Would the daughter have to wear a wig at home if she got a haircut the mum didn’t like?
My mom HATES tattoos and I have many of them, she was always very vocal about her dislike however she never once threatened me with homelessness if I got one. This is such a controlling thing and it is honestly a very c**p wituation for the daughter. She is putting conditions on her child and that's not ok.
This story seems to come more from the daughter pov than the mother just to make her look bad... I find it interesting that most people saying YTA side with most parents about "my house my rules" especially when dealing with grown adults moving back home.. why is the mom the villain? She is providing free room and only has the one rule. She has every right to not like tattoos just as much as you guys have the right to love them.. and the bs about loving a daughter unconditionally is applied wrong here.. she never said she didnt love her daughter.. she just hates tattoos.. daughter knew the rules and hid the fact she got one for half a year so she knew what problems this would make.. dont like the rules? then, as an adult, find other living arrangements. I mean seriously, who bitches about a "stupid rule" when getting a free place to stay? She isnt a child anymore.
Just because you have the right to make rules doesn't mean that the rules aren't d**k moves. And the OP DID follow the rules, she didn't get a tat while in undergrad. "she never said she didnt love her daughter.. she just hates tattoos.. " - yes apparently more than she loves the daughter. Real nice.
Load More Replies... Is the mother willing to be known as "the mother who was willing to make her daughter homeless over a butterfly tattoo on the shoulder"? I'm glad she had doubts about her rule. The story is over a year old, don't know the outcome. Maybe the daughter wore a a band aid over the tattoo.
People get upset over the dumbest things. I went to the bank the other day, and who helped me but a nice lady with tattoos on her arms. Tattoos are not that controversial anymore and frankly never should have been.
It's been a year since this attention seeking egocentric mom posted her story ... and she still gets what she wants.
NTA, your house your rules. I don’t personally agree with it, but me (nor her) have to agree with it…they’re your rules. And whether I (or anyone else) agree with it or not, mom has been pretty consistent with expectations on the tattoos.
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