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48 Legal Excuses So Ridiculous Even Lawyers Could Barely Believe Them
A courtroom is supposed to be an extremely professional place. Everyone must show the judge respect and be on their best behavior, or they could face serious legal ramifications. But if someone is not used to speaking politely or using their manners, they might not be able to do so even when their attorney tells them to.
Lawyers online have been recalling the most ridiculous and hilarious excuses they’ve ever heard people use to justify their behavior in the eyes of the law, so we’ve compiled a list of their wildest stories below. Enjoy reading about all of this courtroom drama, and be sure to upvote the tales that you can’t believe are true!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Buddy working graveyard shift at a gas station got robbed, police caught the guys. He had to testify as a witness, and I had to drive him to court. So I hung out in the courtroom during the trial.
One of the guys, acting as his own defence attorney, called the other guy to the stand and asked him, "when we robbed that gas station, was I there?"
The whole courtroom facepalmed.
RELATED:
#2
Yeah I deal cr*ck! So what? I'm not afraid to admit it!
(you might not want to lead with that at a bail hearing).
#3
My boss (an attorney) was watching a m****r trial. The defendant was on the stand and the prosecutor asked him if owned a .38. He replied 'yeah, but that's not the one I got him with.'.
Not all lawyers can be picky about what kinds of clients they take on. If they’re high-profile and charge hundreds per hour, they might be rejecting clients left and right. But a run-of-the-mill lawyer from your hometown representing clients who were caught driving drunk or blowing through a stop sign might not be turning anyone down.
That doesn’t mean that these lawyers really stand by everyone that they represent, though. Sometimes, they’re simply doing their job for a paycheck. According to White Collar Advice, some defense attorneys quietly turn against their clients if they’ve been working on the case for too long and have started to lose interest. This can also happen when their client makes poor decisions that make the case more difficult to win.
#4
I was on a jury for a case in which someone was being tried for a****lting a police officer. There was a chase, during which the cop slipped and broke his foot. After the suspect was caught, the officer told his partner he thought his foot was broken. The suspect then shouted, "F**K THAT FOOT" and stomped on the officer's broken foot.
His defense claimed that he simply slipped and landed on the cop's foot by accident, and his exclamation of "F**K THAT FOOT" was simply a "coincidence." This defense attorney also fell asleep during the trial and was literally snoring audibly until the judge stopped the trial to reprimand him.
#5
Trying to get out of paying his bill at a restaurant because he ordered a single beer, which altered his mental capacity thereby negating his capacity to enter into a binding contract when presented with his credit card receipt for signature.
#6
My friend's father is a defense attorney and one of his stories always made me laugh.
He was defending a man who had broken into a store, I think it was a convenience store. His plan was to sneak onto the roof of the building and break in through a trapdoor, or something. The roof was bad and so during his planned robbery he fell through the roof, landed on the counter in front of the woman who owned the store, and was promptly apprehended.
In court, the woman was asked to identify the man who had attempted to rob her store. She pointed directly to the suspect, saying it was him. Hearing this, the man jumps up and shouts, "Your honor, that's impossible! There's no way she could have seen it was me, I was covered in soot!"
He lost the case.
To avoid giving their attorney stories to tell like the ones featured on this list, the Law Offices of Erik L. Mullins shared some of the most common mistakes that clients tend to make in a courtroom. First, showing up underprepared or displaying inappropriate behavior in the courtroom can be detrimental to your case. Never interrupt the judge or anyone else, show any disrespect, or become distracted at any moment.
You also have to be prepared to give a consistent testimony without overreacting or showing too much emotion. Never ignore the legal advice that your lawyer has given you, and make sure that you show up dressed appropriately. And no matter how easy you think the case is to win, don’t make assumptions about the outcome before it’s over.
#7
A guy came into my office and asked me to sue the Sheriff and the Prosecutor in this small town for wrongful arrest and malicious prosecution, respectively. The reason he was arrested was because he is a convicted s*x offender and he went to a grade school to have lunch with his niece and nephew. He was arrested for being a registered s*x offender while "loitering in a community safety zone". He said that loitering was defined as "staying without a clear purpose" and his purpose was to have lunch with his niece and nephew. He was convicted and sent to jail, he appealed, lost the appeal, fled a civil lawsuit against the county, lost that, and wanted me to appeal the lawsuit.
#8
I had a guy call me to tell me he wasn't going to be in court because he was getting his hair cut. I asked him if he was serious - he said yes. I told him he was going to have an order for his arrest out if he didn't appear. He hung up.
#9
On two seperate occasions I have dealt with people involved in an a*****t who, having thrown the first punch, said that they 'hit him back first'.
Are you enjoying these wild stories about courtroom drama, pandas? Keep upvoting the ones that you can’t believe are true, and let us know in the comments below what the craziest thing you’ve ever witnessed in a courtroom was. Then, if you’d like to check out another article from Bored Panda featuring similar stories, look no further than right here!
#10
I was charged with a***ulting a police officer.
Without a warrant the police, who had been called to my neighbor's house, broke into my house while I was sleeping. They handcuffed me, beat me and pushed me head first down a flight of stairs (still cuffed).
I was charged because the cop who pushed me down the stairs injured himself in the process.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 12 hours ago
OP said on Reddit: "The charge was obviously tossed out. My bailbondsman heavily implied that the cops charge fake felonies like this all the time. Promotions are based on felony arrests (not convictions) and they get a cut of the bond. $50,000 bond, you pay the bondsman $5k to avoid rotting in jail for a month awaiting trial. He kicks back 25% to the cops. $1250 isnt bad for a few hours of work. This is part of why excessive bonds are unconstitutional."
#11
Not a lawyer or judge, but some girl's dad tried to sue my younger sister (who was about 12 at the time) for accidentally hitting a tennis ball at the girl's face while playing tennis, from the opposite side of the court. It was so ridiculous that the media found out and we were all over the news, even the Premier made a speech about us. It turned into a huge debate, i.e. how are our children supposed to play proper sports/have fun if everyone's just going to go around suing each other over a tiny injury!?!?
#12
Standard "not a lawyer but"
my lawyer who was defending me for a speeding ticket (family friend) gave me the option to stay with him and watch his defense of his second case because he said it would be a good one.
My lawyer buddy was defending a man who was brought up on his 6th DUI charge. Now, the lawyer explained to me that there is no way the he could win this case because lets face it, the judge does not really have sympathy on the 6th go around. The lawyer's hand was forced, and he decided to have a bit of fun with it.
His opening statement:
"We are hear due to Mr. XXX's 6th dui charge, and I think we can all look around this room, and deep down at ourselves and ask "who hasn't been there?"
The judge thought it was pretty funny, but the prosecution was reaaaaaaallly pissed off.
#13
Guy suing his employer for an injury at work that he 100% caused, just because it happened at work.
#14
I am not a lawyer, but I once sat in court for a probation violation hearing where I watched someone try to justify failing a UA for c*****e.
His defense? "I wasn't using c*****e, your honor. I was just rocking it up to sell. That's how it got in my system."
Instead of just admitting he had a problem with c*ke and going to treatment, he blatantly admitted to manufacturing/distributing cr*ck c*****e.
He went back to prison.
I also once saw a PV hearing where a guy had gotten a violation for missing his appointment with his probation officer. His excuse? He was an illegal immigrant and had been deported and therefore unable to attend. (It checked out. He also went back to prison, though.)
#15
I am a law student and I spent the summer interning with a small town prosecutor. There were some gems. One woman's defense for kicking an old man on the bus was that it was self-defense because he invaded her "spiritual v****a" by sitting on the bus.
There was another repeat offender that I will call Mr. Jones. Mr. Jones is a mean old man that lives up in the hills and refuses to pay taxes, among other illegal acts, because he claims that his land is a sovereign nation called "Jonesville." Every time he gets arrested for letting his horses run free (a crime in my state), building a fence across a public road, threatening passersby with a g*n, etc., he handwrites "briefs" to the court on
Republic of Jonesville stationery. Each one is a rambling manifesto about how he isn't subject to state law, and how the prosecutors have it out for old Mr. Jones. There is a filing cabinet measuring about 5'x3'x3' in the prosecutors office filled with this man's incoherent chicken scratch writing. For the record, this kind of defense doesn't work. It's the legal equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and yelling "la la la la la la la!" Then the judge promptly says guilty and sentences you to anger management classes.
#16
I work for car insurance. Someone hit a parked car and tried to tell me it wasn't their fault..... The car is parked sir, it was a bright day and in a parking lot. "Well yeah, but it was in my way".
#17
Pretty much all sovereign citizens arguments - American law doesn't run on the "open sesame" principle where a few magic words will open legal backdoors - but the best was a client electing to go pro se and claimed immunity via a Native American treaty, although the treaty had expired in the 1870s, he wasn't a Native American (he said he was adopted in jail by someone of that tribe), and the treaty's terms didn't grant him immunity anyway. His argument failed and he's looking at 150 years just in enhancements for 12 armed robberies and a bunch of a***ults with no good defense on the facts.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 12 hours ago
Pro se = legalese for representing one's own self in a court case without a lawyer XD
#18
Completely not what you're looking for, but I love telling this story
A couple years ago I saw a purse snatching on a Friday night in the east village. The east village is busy as hell on a Friday night and there were a good six guys (myself included) ready to tackle this guy. No idea what he was thinking, but someone tackles him.
The guy gets up, throws the purse down and says "It wasn't me. It wasn't even me."
Literally right after we all watched it happen and the guy get tackled.
What a moron.
#19
My grandpa is a lawyer. He once took a case from a woman who sued someone for calling her ugly.
I can't even begin to imagine what led her to believe she would win that one.
#20
I was once on a jury for a criminal case. Dude was caught manufacturing & selling d***s out of a property on "Shirley Street." He was obviously trying to prove that he did not own the property, however had SHIRLEY tattoo'd on one forearm and STREET on the other.
He lost.
#21
Guy in Traffic court:
In the case of speeding, how do you plea?
I refuse to plea!
What do you mean?
Texas driver's code of conduct is not a legislative law of the land, its a contractual agreement that does not apply to me for I am not a driver as defined by the state of texas as " a person who operates a motor vehicle in a commercial capacity" I am a traveller operating my private conveyance on public road and I do not need your permission to do so, nor am I subject to you commercial code of conduct.
Judge: ordinarily you'd be correct, however, YOU HAVE a drivers license and in that "voluntary contract" you agreed to abide by our codes and policies and be subject to our jurisdiction, and since you offer no evidence in you defense and instead want to argue legal semantics, I find you guilt in the amount of $255
thank you your honor, may i discharge my debt to the state with yet another obligation?
I beg your pardon?
can I pay you with an I.O.U, or script drawn upon a private bank?
No!
thank you your honor, then what am I to pay you with?
cash, you get it at the bank.
I'm very sorry your honor, but I've been to the bank. And they don't have dollar bills. All they have are Federal Reserve notes, which legally are instruments of debt and carry with it an equity attachment. since I cant discharge my debt to the state with yet another paper obligation, what am I to pay you with? Gold and silver?
YOU CAN PAY ME WITH EITHER!
thank you your honor, can you please explain to the court how 1 is equal to 38?
I beg your pardon?
well you see, your honor, it takes 38 as these green dollars to buy one of these silver dollars, and you said that I can discharge my debt to the state with 255 of either. So can you please explain for the court record, and my benefit, how you consider the two are equal?
The judge stands up and bangs the gavel and yells " you go sit down with the prosecutor and whatever he comes up with.... IM GONNA SIGN!".
#22
Being eligible for a refund because the private st***per a guy had ordered wasn't hot enough.
Kelly Scott 1 hour ago (edited)
Well, now we know why BP is going to a paid site and pushing ads all over the place. It comes down to the fact that they are officially stupid. If you continually blot out words, people don't read your content and they don't see your ads. Normal websites would go "hmmmm" and quit blotting out content. But not BP. They continue to blot out content, people quit reading and looking at ads, so now what do they do? They start charging people to read their content. Which just goes to prove that greedy, stupid CEOs come from everywhere. Will the last person leaving BP please remember to turn off the lights.
#23
A woman cold-called me and wanted to sue the Los Angeles Times for an article that ran 22 years ago. The article was about homeless people in Los Angeles. It did not name her, or show her picture, but she said people could tell that it was talking about her, and that it was harmful to her reputation.
#24
A woman was going to take a course to obtain career skills. Her instructor died, and she did not take the course. Then, she was hurt in a rollerblading accident and later tried to claim loss of income for the job she would have had, if she had taken the course, and successfully gotten the job.
#25
During a work comp hearing for a former employee he said he was leaning back in his chair and hit his forehead on his desk.
Judge said "you know that is physically impossible".
Employee said, "no it isn't, look I have a bump right here.
We won.
#26
Ooh, easy. I had a 17 million dollar deal that had been pending for months. Day it's supposed finance, someone finds a $0.04 cent discrepancy between two documents. Easy fix, right?
Apparently not. The billable hours that the attorneys justified emailing, calling, and ranting about those $0.04 are easily the dumbest thing I've seen anyone legally justify.
#27
My friend's dad sued a dentist. The dentist took the stand and proudly said "I've been practising dentistry for 25 years."
My friend's dad couldn't resist, "Practising for 25 years, and you still can't do it right.".
#28
Not me, not even a lawyer, but a friend of mine who was working at the public defender's office while in law school. He was tasked with coming up with *something* to give a client a good faith defense. The problem being that the accused was caught on video beating a corrections officer nearly to d***h and permanently blinding the C.O. in one eye. D**d to rights.
The D.A. decided to throw the book at the guy and charged the defendant with "Riot in a penal institution." After duly checking the chain of evidence (all in order) and making sure there wasn't even the barest hint that the defendant had reason to believe he was defending himself (there wasn't) buddy thought, "Well... it's just one guy? Is that *really* a riot?" But yes, one person can indeed be a riot.
But you see... a county jail, in the statute of that state, is not considered a penal institution. So the dumbest thing he's ever seen someone try to get away with in a courtroom was something he himself did. When the date of the trial came, he and the public defender stood up and demanded that the charges be dropped.
The D.A. and the very visibly crippled for life C.O. contained their incredulous outbursts of outrage and the judge asks why. "Your Honor... the jail is not a penal institution."
My friend says what followed was an hour-long "IN MY CHAMBERS! NOW!" session where both prosecution and defense were given a thorough a*s-reaming by the judge for the gross miscarriage of justice... but the charges were dropped.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 12 hours ago
OP says on Reddit that the guy "Got off completely, despite being caught on video." OP's friend was completely factually/legally correct, and as a lawyer he would have been remiss in his duty to his client and remiss to his oaths as a lawyer to ignore this, but man, it sure still feels shítty that the guy got off completely. But it's on the prosecution for fúcking up and levying charges that could not stick.
#29
In a New Zealand case for discrimination, a judge found that the law only allowing straight people to marry was not discriminatory to the lesbian couples who bought the case. Why? Because two people of the opposite s*x (i.e. two men) couldn't marry so it wasn't discriminatory on grounds of gender, and (this is my favourite bit) because two straight woman couldn't marry each other either it wasn't discriminatory on grounds of s*xuality.
Something tells me the judge may have had his own agenda...
#30
Guy in prison filed suit against the Sheriff's Department for violation of the 1983 Civil Rights Act because the prison served him warm kool-aid.
#31
I thought of one more. I don't know if it actually got to court.
Guy doesn't want to drill a hole in his nice car to affix his front license plate, and he doesn't want to put it in the "approved" location in the windshield. Instead, he rubber-banded it to the passenger's sun visor.
He got pulled over, told the cop he had never heard of that requirement, and got a warning to put the plate in an approved place.
Three months later, he got pulled over, told the cop he had never heard of that requirement, the cop ran his record and found the warning, and wrote him a ticket.
He asked me if I knew a lawyer who would "guarantee that he could get [him] off.".
#32
A friend's uncle had his house broken into, and he ended up beating up the intruder. Later in court they asked him if he felt in danger, to which he replied "nah, I knew I could take him".
He was eventually convinced to reply "yes, I felt my life threatened" so he wouldn't get in trouble.
Andrew Keir 7 hours ago
In fairness, if he hadn't fought (back), he might well have been hurt.
#33
I once worked on a case where the mother kicked one of the kids out of her house, but still wouldn't consent to my client (the father) having custody.
(This same case also involved my go-to story for these threads, where the other lawyer took a cell phone call right while he was in the middle of making his closing argument to the judge.).
#34
I was in a courtroom waiting for my case to be called, but had to wait for a small claims trial to wrap up. A guy sued a restaurant because the restaurant charged him $7 for a sandwich that was $5 during early bird special hours. The guy stated he ordered the sandwich at noon, but the early bird prices were from 4-6 p.m. The judge asked why he thought he should get the sandwich for $5 when it wasn't during early bird hours. The guy said it was earlier than early bird, so they should honor that price. What a great freaking use of judicial time and resources.
Andrew Keir 7 hours ago
Due process , I suppose. Only the Judge should be empowered to decide that a claim is worthless - but - Court fees? Defence fees? An expensive sandwich.
#35
I was in a court room watching a public defender defend her client.
The dude was in jail for other crimes, but was in court that day for trespassing. The poor public defender had to try and defend this guy, as he had pleaded not guilty.
Her argument was that the arresting officer had no idea whether or not the man was literate, therefor he shouldn't have arrested the man as it was possible the man couldn't read the trespassing signs.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 12 hours ago
Pretty sure this one would fall under the "Ignorantia juris non excusat" doctrine: "ignorance of the law is no excuse." You cannot avoid punishment for an illegal act by claiming to not know the act was illegal.
#36
The woman who claimed that the injury my client caused made it impossible for her to fulfill her dream of going to medical school and becoming a physician, thus causing her tremendous loss of income. She decided on going to medical school because her middle initials were M.D. Of course, since she dropped out of high school in the 9th grade, after failing all her classes, she had to get her GED before attending college and before applying to medical school.
#37
I was observing a court case while an intern and I witnessed a public defense attorney whip out stuffed animals and make a baffling, nonsensical defense of her client while playing with them. I couldn't follow w*f she was saying, but at one point she had a pink elephant chasing the aqua bear....it was ridiculous.
#38
A woman said she wasn't guilty of driving with a suspended license because witchcraft made her drive. She also said she didn't need a public defender because God was her lawyer.
Andrew Keir 7 hours ago
Any particular god? "Thou shalt not put thy god to the trial " ... I doubt that any of them have passed State Bar exams
#39
I did an internship thingy (I thinnk thats the word, not sure) at a court when in school, and some 17 year old girl st**bed and sl*shed her boyfriend 13 f*****g times (he survived, I don't know how, especially not after I've seen the pictures of the injuries) because he didn't want to go buy cigarettes. She used this as a legit argument, and kept saying things like "If he doesnt do what I want I should be allowed to punish him for it".
#40
IANAL, but I have spent a fair amount of time watching "Judge Judy" and "The People's Court."
The dumbest plaintiff I ever saw was one who scraped her car against a parked RV and then sued the owner of the RV.
She even said, "I told him he shouldn't park his RV there! I told him if he parked it there, I might run into it, and I was right!"
Plaintiff thought the RV was too wide, and shouldn't be allowed on a residential street, but in fact it was within the legal limit and was legally parked.
The judge found for the defendant. He said: "If you know a hazard is there, and you don't avoid it, that is the definition of negligence.".
#41
IANALY, but someone did try to justify speeding (80 in a 40) because it was pouring rain and he wanted to outrun the storm.
#42
I once had to sue my former roommate for $1200 for not paying the last month of the lease's rent and the bills from the last two months. She tried to say that she slid the money in cash under my bedroom door.
She also tried to counter sue for her portion of the down payment. we didn't get the down payment back and I had actually spent a few hundred doing repairs to things she had damaged. All of which i had photo proof and receipts.
#43
Having tens of thousands of dollars, CASH, at home while claiming state benefits AND working under the table for cash. "But they (the State) GAVE me the money."
And any of the other reasons I hear for driving drunk, beating a wife/gf/former life partner, failing to pay fines, etc. I can't afford to pay my fines but I just bought a horse and horse trailer....
#44
This court uses a flag with gold fringe.
Gold fringe means this court is international.
An international court needs to enforce maritime law.
Under maritime law, I am a vessel.
The woman declared herself to be a boat.
#45
Got called in for jury duty one time. There was a couple dozen of us in the trial room being vetted to choose 12 of us for the case. They come up to one kid, had to have been just 18 years old. The prosecutor is going through the same questions she'd asked everyone else, then she comes up with an unexpected question.
> Do you recall what you placed on your jury summons form for your occupation?
He replied that he didn't recall. Turns out that he put "Pimp" as his occupation. She raked him over the coals about it, talking about how it was perjury to falsify the the information. Talked about the fines and jail time he could face, the whole nine yards She closed with:
> Therefore I wish to dismiss Fred Smith from this jury. He either knowingly perjured himself on the juror forms, or is engaged felonious activities by coordinating p**********n which is illegal in this state.
The kid was either very dumb, or had some pretty large jewels in order to do that. He's lucky he didn't end with a fine or something, or maybe he did after the fact. Ultimately 12 jurors were selected before my number was called, and I decided to go back to work rather than sit and watch the case.
#46
Prisoner tried to claim it was cruel and unusual punishment for a guard to take his highlighter.
#47
"Sentenced to 20 years in a federal penitentiary."
"But wait, you haven't heard my reason for doing it yet."
"Sigh...Ok, why did you do it?"
"Because I felt like it.".
#48
I can have visitors in my home twice a month. Anything more than twice a month is a violation of the County Zoning code. This rule does not apply, say, to people getting together to watch football games on TV every Sunday, but it applies to me.
What do you think ?
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