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Mom Is Tired Of Ex Pretending To Be ‘Fun Parent’ While She Takes Care Of Everything, Exposes Him
One of the worst things about divorce is that the entire situation, when handled poorly, can put your kids in the middle. Ideally, what you want to avoid is fighting over your children even after you get joint custody. Making them choose between two people they love is unfair to them. Unfortunately, some parents do this. And in very insidious ways.
Redditor u/Vast-Lead-6027 finally had enough after her ex-husband told their kids that he pays for their home, even though he doesn’t even pay child support. Having had enough, the mom whipped out her budget spreadsheet to show her kids the truth. However, she wasn’t sure if that was the right approach, so she turned to the AITA online community to get their take on things. Bored Panda has reached out to u/Vast-Lead-6027 via Reddit, and we’ll update the article as soon as we hear back from her.
RELATED:
One mom became incredibly frustrated when she learned that her ex-husband has been lying about paying child support
Image credits: John Schnobrich (not the actual photo)
She revealed the truth to her kids, but later second-guessed her decision
Image credits: moolanomy (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Vast-Lead-6027
Image credits: Felipe Cespedes (not the actual photo)
The government can help if a parent refuses to pay child support
Image credits: Saúl Bucio (not the actual photo)
It hurts when you learn that your former partner has been lying to both of your children, trying to get them on their side (and possibly turning them against you). That is not a healthy or mature way of approaching things.
The situation escalated after the OP’s kids found out that their dad didn’t support them financially, at all. “The kids were upset about being lied to and the oldest got into an argument with him since she called to confirm. We got into an argument and he is calling me a jerk. My friends are split on this and I am wondering if I went too far,” the redditor wrote in her post which got over 17.2k upvotes on the AITA subreddit.
The vast majority of redditors were on the mom’s side. They pointed out that she did nothing wrong: her ex lied and was eventually confronted with the truth. Some internet users even praised the OP for introducing her teenage kids to budgeting and finances, two very important skills to develop early on in life.
In the United States, the federal and state governments don’t actually pay child support. However, they can help individuals collect it from parents who may be unwilling to pay. Child support orders are established by court rulings.
If you’re having trouble receiving child support, the first thing you should do is contact either your state or tribal child support agency and begin the process that way. Meanwhile, if the parent in question lives in another state in the US, you can try getting in touch with the Office of Child Support Enforcement (aka the OCSE) for assistance.
Child support is supposed to be all about the kids, not the parents
Image credits: Lukas (not the actual photo)
“I have never met a parent who felt like he or she was receiving sufficient child support. Likewise, most parents who pay child support feel that he or she is paying too much,” family law attorney Nicole Sodoma, the founder of Sodoma Law, told US News.
According to her, in most states, child support is calculated based on the parents’ gross incomes. If both parents work, the one who earns more will be paying at least some child support to the other.
“The state has specific guidelines on how much should be paid. They do this for the best interest of the child, so the child is protected and cared for,” explains divorce attorney Dori Shwirtz. “The two major factors that determine the amount are income and time-sharing, how much time each party spends with the child. Child support should be viewed solely through the lens of this is for your child. It’s there to serve your child’s needs. It’s not about the parents and their wants or needs.”
As we’ve explained on Bored Panda recently, divorce does not have to get messy. It’s perfectly possible to separate amicably, however, it requires that both partners act responsibly and empathetically, as well as take into account what’s best for their children.
For one, the divorcing couple has to strive to communicate without blaming each other. They should also never use their children as pawns in their divorce. It can also help if both exes enforce clear boundaries with one another. When things get rough, it’s fine to reach out to a therapist or other mediator to help smooth the entire process.
However, if your ex is trying to harm you financially and emotionally, the best way to respond is to protect yourself legally.
The post author shared some more background info
Most people stood in support of the mom
A few readers even shared their similar experiences
What do you think ?
Michelle C 2 years ago
My ex used to do that but instead of lying to my daughter who knows the truth he would tell our mutual friends. I even had one try to confront me while I was out saying that I wouldn't let him see her and he is going broke because of all the child support he was paying. What nobody knew is that first he lost custody because he didn't bother to show up to court because he was partying all night (his dealer informed me of this) so he has no rights outside of financial; second, I gave him plenty of times to visit and he would schedule dates and then not show up. Eventually my daughter got so tired of being disappointed and started refusing to see him; thirdly, he hadn't paid child support since she was 2. I ended up threatening him that if another person comes up to me with his b******t I will post on Facebook the actual documents showing child support balance he owes (at that time it was well over $30k) and it shows he hasn't made a payment in years. Worked...for a little bit
Gavin Johnson 2 years ago
When my ex-wife and I split we were pretty angry at each other, all sorts of financial wranglings but no infidelity. We had discussed what we had to organise in order for our daughter not to be any more disturbed by the split than was inevitable. We vowed that she would never be used as a weapon or an excuse to score points against each other. Mum and Dad had to both be adults and suck it up, we attended parents evenings together, we watched her at plays at school, we never discussed money in front of her and avoided dragging her into our adult world. Now 7 years later we are friendly enough, she’s got a new partner, decent chap, I’ve got a new partner and the family has expanded, there’s now 5 children, no ‘new’ ones just the ones we all brought to the relationships. It’s not always easy to put the children first but it’s very useful if you want them to see how adults should behave and to help them grow up to be decent, balanced humans.
nia not long 2 years ago
Thank you. There needs to be more parents like you two that put the child's wellbeing first.
Load More Replies...
Kitty White 2 years ago
That first comment from the family law attorney is pretty spot-on. On the advice of my therapist, I took my two young sons and moved 1,000 miles away from my ex, and closer to my family. I did need my ex’s permission- which I knew I’d get because he wasn’t interested in spending time with them when we lived in the same town. In our custody agreement, we did every-other Thanksgiving and Christmas, and they were supposed to spend every Spring Break and 6 weeks of the summer with him. One year, ex got the brilliant idea that he shouldn’t have to pay child support for those 6 summer weeks they visited him. It didn’t seem right to me, but I still got very nervous and called my lawyer. She actually laughed when I told her. She said I could either tell him to have his lawyer file a motion and waste his $$$, OR tell him I asked my bank if I could skip 6 weeks of mortgage payments because the kids would be living elsewhere, but they said “no.”
Alexandra 2 years ago
Ok, let's get the situation clear: dad tells his kids he pays for a lot of things and mom can prove to her children that this is not the case and that she is the one paying. End-result: dad is angry and OP wonders if what she did was right. Dear lady, your former spouse started this whole sordid affair by lying; you didn't. What you did was right and proper: there is nothing you have to blame yourself for. Your former spouse is a liar and that's a fact. That some of your friends do not want to acknowledge this tells you something about their loyalty.
Sonja 2 years ago
The 'nothing negative' strategy is again a originally good advice taken out of context. The full advice is to not air dirty laundry in front of the kids, but that's not the same as refuting the lies and wrongdoings that are still going on or taking the fall for the other person's misdeeds or making up lies to make them look better. It just means no dragging them through the mud and no malicious slander. It means not calling the other parents names or using expletives against them in front of the kids. So if the kids ask why the couple separated, saying: 'well, honey, daddy had an affair with another woman and it hurt me so much I couldn't stay with him any longer' is perfectly fair and honest. But saying: 'that son of a ****, couldn't stop himself from **** ****, I wish he'd ****. He's a stinking***** and a waste of oxygen and I really hope you won't turn out like that useless piece of *****. Is not ok. Also parents shouldn't proactively and constantly rant about the other's flaws.
Pudgy Panda 2 years ago
My husband’s ex used to tell his teenage kids that if they needed jeans, runners, etc. they were to ask him as she didn’t get any money from him. My stepson in particular was very sullen towards his Dad as he perceived him as not being willing to spend anything on him. I took him into our home office and showed him a stack of cashed cheques made out to his mother for substantial child support. That not only shut her bs down, it changed his relationship with his father for the better. Thirty six years later I’d do the same in a heartbeat.
Lise Brouillette 2 years ago
My late ex was the grand master pf the half truth. My daughter (then 12) once threw in my face, "You have more money than him, he TOLD me!" She wanted some trinket and I told her I couldn't afford it. "Yes", I answered, "technically, I MAKE more money than he does, since I work and he's on welfare, as is Mélanie, but I see he conveniently forgot to mention that my rent is twice his and that I'm all alone paying it, whereas HE's not... Not to mention that I have expenses he doesn't, since I AM working and he's not. - clothing, transportation, etc." My principle with not trashing the other parent stops when HE does it. Lies that are not refuted end up being believed. There is only so much anyone should travel on the higher road, especially when you're the only one on it. I'll not downright trash him, but I WILL refute the lies.
Michelle C 2 years ago
My ex used to do that but instead of lying to my daughter who knows the truth he would tell our mutual friends. I even had one try to confront me while I was out saying that I wouldn't let him see her and he is going broke because of all the child support he was paying. What nobody knew is that first he lost custody because he didn't bother to show up to court because he was partying all night (his dealer informed me of this) so he has no rights outside of financial; second, I gave him plenty of times to visit and he would schedule dates and then not show up. Eventually my daughter got so tired of being disappointed and started refusing to see him; thirdly, he hadn't paid child support since she was 2. I ended up threatening him that if another person comes up to me with his b******t I will post on Facebook the actual documents showing child support balance he owes (at that time it was well over $30k) and it shows he hasn't made a payment in years. Worked...for a little bit
Gavin Johnson 2 years ago
When my ex-wife and I split we were pretty angry at each other, all sorts of financial wranglings but no infidelity. We had discussed what we had to organise in order for our daughter not to be any more disturbed by the split than was inevitable. We vowed that she would never be used as a weapon or an excuse to score points against each other. Mum and Dad had to both be adults and suck it up, we attended parents evenings together, we watched her at plays at school, we never discussed money in front of her and avoided dragging her into our adult world. Now 7 years later we are friendly enough, she’s got a new partner, decent chap, I’ve got a new partner and the family has expanded, there’s now 5 children, no ‘new’ ones just the ones we all brought to the relationships. It’s not always easy to put the children first but it’s very useful if you want them to see how adults should behave and to help them grow up to be decent, balanced humans.
nia not long 2 years ago
Thank you. There needs to be more parents like you two that put the child's wellbeing first.
Load More Replies... Kitty White 2 years ago
That first comment from the family law attorney is pretty spot-on. On the advice of my therapist, I took my two young sons and moved 1,000 miles away from my ex, and closer to my family. I did need my ex’s permission- which I knew I’d get because he wasn’t interested in spending time with them when we lived in the same town. In our custody agreement, we did every-other Thanksgiving and Christmas, and they were supposed to spend every Spring Break and 6 weeks of the summer with him. One year, ex got the brilliant idea that he shouldn’t have to pay child support for those 6 summer weeks they visited him. It didn’t seem right to me, but I still got very nervous and called my lawyer. She actually laughed when I told her. She said I could either tell him to have his lawyer file a motion and waste his $$$, OR tell him I asked my bank if I could skip 6 weeks of mortgage payments because the kids would be living elsewhere, but they said “no.”
Alexandra 2 years ago
Ok, let's get the situation clear: dad tells his kids he pays for a lot of things and mom can prove to her children that this is not the case and that she is the one paying. End-result: dad is angry and OP wonders if what she did was right. Dear lady, your former spouse started this whole sordid affair by lying; you didn't. What you did was right and proper: there is nothing you have to blame yourself for. Your former spouse is a liar and that's a fact. That some of your friends do not want to acknowledge this tells you something about their loyalty.
Sonja 2 years ago
The 'nothing negative' strategy is again a originally good advice taken out of context. The full advice is to not air dirty laundry in front of the kids, but that's not the same as refuting the lies and wrongdoings that are still going on or taking the fall for the other person's misdeeds or making up lies to make them look better. It just means no dragging them through the mud and no malicious slander. It means not calling the other parents names or using expletives against them in front of the kids. So if the kids ask why the couple separated, saying: 'well, honey, daddy had an affair with another woman and it hurt me so much I couldn't stay with him any longer' is perfectly fair and honest. But saying: 'that son of a ****, couldn't stop himself from **** ****, I wish he'd ****. He's a stinking***** and a waste of oxygen and I really hope you won't turn out like that useless piece of *****. Is not ok. Also parents shouldn't proactively and constantly rant about the other's flaws.
Pudgy Panda 2 years ago
My husband’s ex used to tell his teenage kids that if they needed jeans, runners, etc. they were to ask him as she didn’t get any money from him. My stepson in particular was very sullen towards his Dad as he perceived him as not being willing to spend anything on him. I took him into our home office and showed him a stack of cashed cheques made out to his mother for substantial child support. That not only shut her bs down, it changed his relationship with his father for the better. Thirty six years later I’d do the same in a heartbeat.
Lise Brouillette 2 years ago
My late ex was the grand master pf the half truth. My daughter (then 12) once threw in my face, "You have more money than him, he TOLD me!" She wanted some trinket and I told her I couldn't afford it. "Yes", I answered, "technically, I MAKE more money than he does, since I work and he's on welfare, as is Mélanie, but I see he conveniently forgot to mention that my rent is twice his and that I'm all alone paying it, whereas HE's not... Not to mention that I have expenses he doesn't, since I AM working and he's not. - clothing, transportation, etc." My principle with not trashing the other parent stops when HE does it. Lies that are not refuted end up being believed. There is only so much anyone should travel on the higher road, especially when you're the only one on it. I'll not downright trash him, but I WILL refute the lies.
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