“AITA For Telling My Mom We Don’t View Her Eldest As Our Brother And To Stop Forcing Him On Us?”
Interview With Expert
There is probably no worse pain for parents than losing their child. It may feel like they will never be the same and there will always be emptiness inside. And while it’s important to remember them and keep the memory alive, unfortunately, forcing others won’t do any good.
This Reddit story may be an example about that – a guy shared that his parents’ first baby was stillborn. While it’s understandable that losing a child is painful, their living children felt uncomfortable with the constant inclusion of his photos.
More info: Reddit
Man shares that his parents had a stillborn baby before he and his siblings were born, but their late sibling has been included in every family portrait or mentioned in every big event
Image credits: shubham sharma (not the actual photo)
The brothers have tried telling their parents that they feel uncomfortable with the picture, they don’t feel attachment to him like their mom does, but everything just ended in arguments
Image credits: Lisa Fotios (not the actual photo)
However, the oldest brother is getting married and decided that he and his fiancee don’t want stillborn baby photos or essays
Image credits: u/Competitive_Sir5868
The whole situation caused family drama and the guy told his mom that he agreed with his brother as they have no connection to him and don’t see him as their brother
A few days ago, one Reddit user shared his story online, seeking some unbiased opinions on whether he was being a jerk for telling his mom that he and his brothers don’t view her eldest as their brother and she needs to stop forcing him on them. The post caught a lot of attention and collected over 8.2K upvotes and almost 1K comments.
The original poster (OP) shared that he is the youngest of his 3 brothers, but prior to his eldest brother, his parents had another baby that was stillborn. He added that his parents constantly talked about him, included his picture in family portraits and he was mentioned in every event. While it made the brothers uncomfortable, their mom kept insisting that he’s part of the family.
Now, the eldest brother is getting married and he and his fiancee have decided that they don’t want his parents’ stillborn baby’s picture there. He will be included in the program, but there will be no detailed essay. Understandably, his mom got very upset. She was venting to OP when he stated that they have no connection to him, it’s time to stop making everything about him and nobody views him as their brother.
The community members backed up the author and gave him the ‘Not the A-hole’ badge. “NTA. They absolutely need therapy, and they’re pushing away their living, breathing children,” one user wrote. “NTA. The wedding is about the bride and groom. Your mother needs to come to terms with the fact that in her lifetime, she had four children, but for yours, you’ve only ever had two brothers,” another added.
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk (not the actual photo)
“I imagine it’s hard to grieve someone you’ve never met, especially as a child with limited ability to conceptualize death and the devastation of losing a baby,” shared Nikki Sewell LCSW, LMSW, LISW with Bored Panda. “Instead, the child might grieve what could have been if things turned out differently, what would it have been like to have an older sibling? How would the parents be different had the death not happened?”
Now, speaking about healthy ways to honor the memories of a lost one, Nikki notes that we all grieve in our own ways but the theory of Continuing Bonds argues that death ends a life, but not a relationship, and that it is not always unhealthy for an ongoing attachment to continue after death.
She emphasized that keeping a loved one’s memories alive could mean remembering them on special days, such as birthdays, death anniversaries or holidays, lighting a candle in their honor on those days, sharing stories about them and looking at pictures of them. “But again, we all grieve in our own ways. And it is important that everyone’s wishes are honored, and sometimes that involves compromise if one family member wants to include the deceased in activities while another does not.”
Also, Nikki explained that there is normative grief and there is prolonged grief. “Most who have lost a loved one will return to a normal level of functioning within a few months to a year, at most. For a small cohort of grievers (research would tell us about 10%), they will carry their grief with them for years, which can impair their functioning at work, school, home, and in their relationships.”
She also added that the wedding is about the couple, embarking on a new and exciting journey together. “Just like the guest list and all the other details of the day, the couple should be able to choose who they want to include and how they want to include them. They’ve offered to include the deceased in a way they are comfortable with, perhaps on their wedding day, this compromise and their wishes could be honored.”
Image credits: Natalie Bond (not the actual photo)
“It would be appropriate to, for instance, wear a piece of jewelry representing this child—jewelry that could be seen in family wedding photos,” emphasized Deborah L. Davis, PhD, who is the author of Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby. “But given the adult children’s objections to what the bereaved parents have in mind (I’m guessing driven by the wishes of the heartbroken mother) would imply that the plans are intrusive, inappropriate, and steal the spotlight from the couple on their wedding day. Centering the loss and grief, not the celebration.”
She added that grief lingers, and it sounds like this wedding (and many other family events) triggers the grief that this baby James is not here, and this mother and father are bound and determined to include him, which is normal. “And it’s also normal for family members to be uncomfortable at first with the topic of stillbirth, death, and remembering and speaking of a baby who died, but over time, family members get used to the occasional reference and integrate the baby into the family.”
“But that this is ongoing, many years later and still this overbearing and intense, it sounds like there’s something stuck here—a trauma that one or both parents’ brains have not yet digested and filed into long-term memory,” Deborah shared. “A trauma that they continue to relive, a trauma that makes them spin out into thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that harm their relationships with others.
She notes that when someone is stuck in trauma, it’s important to understand that they are doing the best they can. And in order to do better, they need trauma-focused treatment.
Also, she noted that mom is likely worried that if she stops feeling upset or stops bringing up the baby at every turn, he’ll be forgotten. “So a short-term solution that could work for the wedding might be if the brothers suggest, when everyone’s brains are calm, which is always the best time to have challenging convos—‘Hey mom, we’ve been thinking about James, and how about this idea—you could wear your ‘James’ necklace so we can see it in the photos, and we’ll put a bouquet of baby’s breath at your table, so that you can feel assured that James is with you.’”
Finally, Deborah shared that her heart goes out to everyone in that family. “Even if the wedding problem is solved, it’s highly likely that the mother will still need and benefit from trauma-focused treatment. Her trauma is not something she can snap out of, no matter how much her family pleads or makes reasonable, rational requests.
“The traumatized brain cannot listen to reason or consider other people’s needs. It’s on fire and trying to protect her the only way it can. Her brain isn’t broken—it just needs a particular kind of tender, loving care to get her—and her life—back on track.”
And what do you think about this story? Share your thoughts below!
Redditors backed up the author and shared that his parents need therapy
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NTA. The dead baby photo IS morbid and the two very unfortunate parents need to seek grief counseling and celebrate their living children while they have the opportunities.
Be like putting dead nan in a wheelchair and taking her along to the wedding
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I was conceived as a direct result of a miscarriage. Whilst I sometimes wonder who they might have been, I don't consider them my sibling. It was very hard for my mother to go through, but she has never made that loss a burden for me to bear.
Same here, and my Mother has acted in a similar way to yours it seems.
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I imagine it's only a matter of time until she insists a grandkid be named James.
And the baby photo shoot with the live baby holding the morbid picture....
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That's some severe complicated grief. Ugh! I'm sorry your lives have been hijacked by your mother's inability to process in a healthy manner.
Prolonged grief can make one feel as if one hasn't contributed to the parent's happiness and that they'd gladly swap one for the person who died.
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My aunt miscarried a baby the same year that I was born. I have always wondered what it would have been like to grow up with a same age paternal cousin, but my family never really talked about them. These parents need grief counseling because the stillbirth is interfering in their relationship with their living children.
My friend in high school was a twin but the other twin was still born, and her parents had a giant professional photo of it in its baby clothes on their wall. It looked very dead
My SIL had a twin too, stillborn. My MIL lost so many babies, it's just said in passing. But the parents did bury all of them in a cemetery, which is normal. Only the first (my husband) and the last are not twins.
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I'm not a mental health professional, but I wonder if by doing this the parents aren't grieving, but instead just delaying it?
This probably isn't an option for this mom (not at this point, at least), but what about a locket? A beautiful locket with the baby's photo would be a way for the parents to be able to include the deceased, but privately and without anyone being uncomfortable, especially in family portraits and events.
My big sister died at 42 days old. My mother has her photo hanging on their main room and was upset when in a list of deceased family members she wasn't included (I think the aunt that made the list simply forgot). That. Nothing more. I was always called "the eldest" (il maggiore) of her sons and my sister "my only daughter". Sometimes my parents talk about her, I think less than one time at year, and recount how she died, but nothing more.
NTA. Mom and Dad have been stuck in the same place emotionally for 30 years. Grief therapy is long overdue; their unresolved grief should not be allowed to hijack other family events. It may be time to set some ironclad boundaries. Lily and Christopher should definitely stand their ground in regards to their wedding; after all, it's THEIR wedding, not James'. Also, the rest of the family needs to have a sitdown with the parents. It should be made clear that: 1) they need help to move on with their lives via counseling, 2) there will be no more inserting James into every single event, and 3) if the behavior continues, the memory of James may be all they'll have. This needs to be resolved long before any grandchildren come along. Mom and Dad may try force a grandson to take James' place in their lives.
I lost two children, but they were not stillborn; one (F) was 4 months. After I cried a lot, mainly because it was my last chance (a 6th pregnancy would have been dangerous in my case and my husband said no), the way I dealt with grief in the long run is that I couldn't hold babies (except mine), like colleagues coming over with their newborn, until my granddaughter was born. I consider myself healed.
I've known people who have had miscarriages/still births, friends and family members some more than once. My grandmother had 3 stillbirths and 3 live children. Of course it's hard to go through! She will talk about them, remember them fondly, and even has a few pictures of them but she's grieved them and continued with her life alongside her three living children. The pain may never go away but the parents of OP are taking things way too fair and it's not healthy. They are hanging on instead of letting go.
Nothing like carrying around a photo of a corpse to remind your children for their whole lives they'll never be as important as the dead one. Thats so much better than therapy.
Parents, this is a lesson on why you bear a responsibility to process your trauma so your children don't have to.
The parents are weasels. Trying to take your money for their poor planning is NOT your problem. Don't let them continue to treat you like you aren't important.
My friend's MIL lost a son in infancy. A tragedy, yes, but a long-ago, private one. At Every. Freaking. Event. she attends, she gets up, tells the story, and leads everyone in a hymn. My friend did NOT want this at her wedding. MC guarded the mic. She jumped up and managed to grab it and did it anyhow. She did it at her brother's retirement party. Other people's weddings. Other people's funerals. And she wonders why nobody invites her to things.
Before I or any of my siblings were born, my parents had what was essentially a stillbirth (the baby had a malformed heart, and was only alive for about 30 minutes). When each of us was old enough, my parents told us about our sibling. That was it, though. The first baby is never brought up in conversation unless it's specifically about that topic. No events, no birthdays, they aren't counted when we talk about how many siblings we have, they aren't counted when my parents talk about how many children they have. We never forget, though. The first baby's name was a strong contender on the list when we were thinking of names for my child. We ended up going a different way, though.
Definitely the parents need therapy. A relative of mine lost her little son suddenly at three. She had two other children, one born after she lost her son. She has always been very careful to ensure her living children’s lives weren’t blotted by the loss and while they knew about their late brother, it didn’t impact their happy childhood. I can’t imagine her doing something like this.
NTA. The dead baby photo IS morbid and the two very unfortunate parents need to seek grief counseling and celebrate their living children while they have the opportunities.
Be like putting dead nan in a wheelchair and taking her along to the wedding
Load More Replies... I was conceived as a direct result of a miscarriage. Whilst I sometimes wonder who they might have been, I don't consider them my sibling. It was very hard for my mother to go through, but she has never made that loss a burden for me to bear.
Same here, and my Mother has acted in a similar way to yours it seems.
Load More Replies... I imagine it's only a matter of time until she insists a grandkid be named James.
And the baby photo shoot with the live baby holding the morbid picture....
Load More Replies... That's some severe complicated grief. Ugh! I'm sorry your lives have been hijacked by your mother's inability to process in a healthy manner.
Prolonged grief can make one feel as if one hasn't contributed to the parent's happiness and that they'd gladly swap one for the person who died.
Load More Replies... My aunt miscarried a baby the same year that I was born. I have always wondered what it would have been like to grow up with a same age paternal cousin, but my family never really talked about them. These parents need grief counseling because the stillbirth is interfering in their relationship with their living children.
My friend in high school was a twin but the other twin was still born, and her parents had a giant professional photo of it in its baby clothes on their wall. It looked very dead
My SIL had a twin too, stillborn. My MIL lost so many babies, it's just said in passing. But the parents did bury all of them in a cemetery, which is normal. Only the first (my husband) and the last are not twins.
Load More Replies... I'm not a mental health professional, but I wonder if by doing this the parents aren't grieving, but instead just delaying it?
This probably isn't an option for this mom (not at this point, at least), but what about a locket? A beautiful locket with the baby's photo would be a way for the parents to be able to include the deceased, but privately and without anyone being uncomfortable, especially in family portraits and events.
My big sister died at 42 days old. My mother has her photo hanging on their main room and was upset when in a list of deceased family members she wasn't included (I think the aunt that made the list simply forgot). That. Nothing more. I was always called "the eldest" (il maggiore) of her sons and my sister "my only daughter". Sometimes my parents talk about her, I think less than one time at year, and recount how she died, but nothing more.
NTA. Mom and Dad have been stuck in the same place emotionally for 30 years. Grief therapy is long overdue; their unresolved grief should not be allowed to hijack other family events. It may be time to set some ironclad boundaries. Lily and Christopher should definitely stand their ground in regards to their wedding; after all, it's THEIR wedding, not James'. Also, the rest of the family needs to have a sitdown with the parents. It should be made clear that: 1) they need help to move on with their lives via counseling, 2) there will be no more inserting James into every single event, and 3) if the behavior continues, the memory of James may be all they'll have. This needs to be resolved long before any grandchildren come along. Mom and Dad may try force a grandson to take James' place in their lives.
I lost two children, but they were not stillborn; one (F) was 4 months. After I cried a lot, mainly because it was my last chance (a 6th pregnancy would have been dangerous in my case and my husband said no), the way I dealt with grief in the long run is that I couldn't hold babies (except mine), like colleagues coming over with their newborn, until my granddaughter was born. I consider myself healed.
I've known people who have had miscarriages/still births, friends and family members some more than once. My grandmother had 3 stillbirths and 3 live children. Of course it's hard to go through! She will talk about them, remember them fondly, and even has a few pictures of them but she's grieved them and continued with her life alongside her three living children. The pain may never go away but the parents of OP are taking things way too fair and it's not healthy. They are hanging on instead of letting go.
Nothing like carrying around a photo of a corpse to remind your children for their whole lives they'll never be as important as the dead one. Thats so much better than therapy.
Parents, this is a lesson on why you bear a responsibility to process your trauma so your children don't have to.
The parents are weasels. Trying to take your money for their poor planning is NOT your problem. Don't let them continue to treat you like you aren't important.
My friend's MIL lost a son in infancy. A tragedy, yes, but a long-ago, private one. At Every. Freaking. Event. she attends, she gets up, tells the story, and leads everyone in a hymn. My friend did NOT want this at her wedding. MC guarded the mic. She jumped up and managed to grab it and did it anyhow. She did it at her brother's retirement party. Other people's weddings. Other people's funerals. And she wonders why nobody invites her to things.
Before I or any of my siblings were born, my parents had what was essentially a stillbirth (the baby had a malformed heart, and was only alive for about 30 minutes). When each of us was old enough, my parents told us about our sibling. That was it, though. The first baby is never brought up in conversation unless it's specifically about that topic. No events, no birthdays, they aren't counted when we talk about how many siblings we have, they aren't counted when my parents talk about how many children they have. We never forget, though. The first baby's name was a strong contender on the list when we were thinking of names for my child. We ended up going a different way, though.
Definitely the parents need therapy. A relative of mine lost her little son suddenly at three. She had two other children, one born after she lost her son. She has always been very careful to ensure her living children’s lives weren’t blotted by the loss and while they knew about their late brother, it didn’t impact their happy childhood. I can’t imagine her doing something like this.
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