Mother-In-Law Throws Away Meals Her Granddaughter Brings That Her Dad Made Using Her Late Mom’s Recipes, Family Feud Ensues
How do you recover from losing a significant other? If you’re a mature adult, you probably have some idea on how to do that. But what do you do if there’s a kid involved? How do you help your offspring deal with the loss of a parent?
While there are many ways to do it, this parent took it to the next level, and everything was fine and dandy until the in-laws got involved and started deconstructing the healing process.
More info: Reddit
Having a picky eater in the family sounds like a minor challenge, but family can make it worse
Image credits: Cory Doctorow
So, Reddit user u/0gravity0respect is a widower and also a father of a lovely 6-year-old daughter. Having recently lost a mother, and being a picky eater, the daughter does make meal time a bit difficult. But the dad is taking it like a champ and is actually trying to learn all the recipes his wife used to prepare. Yes, this does mean that she doesn’t really eat anything other what her mom used to make.
As you would have expected, the in-laws, the wife’s biological parents, got involved and started helping out by taking care of the kid while the dad gets some work done and whatnot. So, he would drop his daughter off at the in-laws’, along with all of the meals he prepared for her.
This dad asked internauts to find out if he was wrong to stop dropping off his 6-year-old at the in-laws’ after they had deliberately begun throwing out her food
Image credits: 0gravity0respect
The in-laws, specifically, the mother, wasn’t all too happy about this as she thought the kid needs to start eating more varied food. The dad explained that he is painstakingly learning new dishes as fast as he can to expand the assortment to compensate for it.
But, one day, the dad found out that the mother in law had taken on a more active approach and effectively begun throwing away all of the food the daughter had with her after getting dropped off at their house. And since she simply refuses to eat whatever the mother in law offers her, she ends up settling for snacks and that just that.
Image credits: 0gravity0respect
So, of course the dad is furious about it, not only because perfectly good food is being thrown out into the trash—food that he worked hard to provide—but also because this is anything but productive in helping the 6-year-old.
In response to this, he decided that they’re not fit for taking care of the kid, and instead turned to his sister to look after her while he works. The in-laws were, of course, deeply offended by this, saying he overreacted and took a very cruel step.
The father-in-law did suggest backing away from his decision and continuing bringing the daughter over—he would convince the Mrs to back away with her decisions as well—but the dad wasn’t having any of it. And so he turned to the AITA community for some perspective on who’s wrong here.
The community ruled that the dad is not the a-hole, and in fact rallied behind him, showing him support and giving advice
Over 18,300 upvotes and 90 plus Reddit awards later, the internet ruled that the dad is by no means wrong here, pointing fingers at the mother-in-law who was the cruel one.
Some gave a spot-on remark that you won’t fix picky eating by letting a kid starve, and that might beget even more problems, like eating disorders. Others were baffled by the fact that she was throwing away perfectly good food, let alone dishes of sentimental value.
Yet others expressed their support for the dad, saying he’s doing more than an amazing job in taking care of a kid who has been going through a lot as it is, and gave some suggestions on how to help (or at least try) diversify the food.
You can read the whole post in context here. But before you run off, we have other Am I The A-Hole posts here, and you are always welcome to share your thoughts on these situations in the comment section below!
It seems like Dad and Daughter have worked out an arrangement where she eats what he makes and they both get to bond over remembering a loved one. I don't see how interfering with that can possibly be helpful. They are both sad and need comfort.
I wrote this up because I saw Rissie comment. - I too struggle with eating disorders and fought obesity and won. I had an emotionally unavailable mom who didn't have *time* for me and tossed candy bars in my lap as she selfishly left me and eventually committed suicide. She didn't *care.* Food equals love (we are born into this world with our mothers feeding us).. so I ate a lot to find that love. I was always alone. This Dad may not give the kid a balanced diet of nutrients due to being picky.. but he's giving her *love* and cares deeply for her. We pick up eating addictions because we weren't given what we needed as kids which was love, care and time. This Dad is providing all that and more. The mom just passed. It takes time to heal and grow and which case her menu of likes will expand. Her Dad is being both parents. He's providing her the love she's missing from the mom. He's there for her. Which will probably make her feel less abandoned by her mothers death. The kid is already resilient as she survived a mothers passing. I have Borderline Personality. I didn't have anything in my childhood. No love. Nothing. And I can say this is a good dad. Being attuned to your childs needs is most important.. otherwise the child has to attune to you which becomes Complex PTSD and possibly a personality disorder if you have the genetic makeup for one. This Dad's actions are everything. It's not about the actual food as much as it is about what he's providing and showing her. *LOVE*
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Step 1: survive life-shattering event in whatever way possible. Step 326: introduce new foods to the small child whose world has been shattered and put back together with whatever tape and bubble gum you had on hand.
Exactly. As much as I would be a very strict mother and I dont believe in spoiling children she just lost her mother. What kind of monster does not feel pity for that poor child? She will elarn to eat more eventually. But now she needs to heal.
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As a 65-year-old picky eater, what I do know is that picky eaters tend to be super-smellers and/or super-tasters (I’m both), which sounds like it would be good thing but isn’t. What it means is that what you taste as a delicious serving of brussel sprouts to me smells and tastes something that came out of a garbage can and will likely make me vomit. My mother always made me, my sister and brothers take a small helping of things we didn’t like with the idea that it would help us avoid awkward situations when we were guests somewhere, which sounds like a great idea in theory, but once I was on my own, I decided I would never again eat anything I don’t like. I understand worrying about nutritional needs, but would highly recommend giving your children fortified vitamins rather than forcing them to eat foods they don’t like. They may find later on in life that they’re willing to give something a go if they weren’t *forced* to eat it as a child.
I'm 29, I lost my pops last year. He was THE BEST COOK. his recipes came from my grandma (my bf) who passed away when I was 9.. she was the glue to our family n after she passed we all felt lost because she was so secretive about her recipes except for around me n my dad. (We were the only ones who actually showed interest in cooking) so him n I worked so hard to get her recipes right n we got pretty damn close. N then when he passed last year, it fell to me for my brothers n I, everytime I'm missing my dad I pull out the recipes n pick one that reminds me of a good time. Pot roast, 12th bday... chicken roll ups. Xmas 10yo. etc. n it's the 1 thing I have that makes me feel like he's still here. Every year on his bday I cook a GIGANTIC meal for my bros, their gfs n my husband just like he would n it's a very cathartic thing for all of us. It's like therapy. Ya know!? So to throw out food that brings her closer to her mother is absolutely f****d up on every level. NTA!
I'm sorry for your loss Imogene. And yes, food brings back memories and I love what you do to keep these lovely memories alive. Hugs.
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I'm just floored by the fact that MIL cannot appreciate that the food is made from HER OWN DAUGHTER'S recipes! MIL is a stone cold b*tch. OP needs to make sure he has paperwork set up for his sister to be guardian if anything happens to him!
Grandma is grieving too. She lost her daughter. She's probably being irrational because of her own grief. When my mom died, my grandma and aunt couldn't be around me for a while because I reminded them too much of my mom (their daughter and sister respectively). Having her granddaughter eat and talk about her daughter's food could be triggering her. Grief makes us do strange things.
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So it's better to have her eat snacks than food she will actually eat? The last straw was the MIL telling him that he wasn't raising the child properly! He's feeding her the same food as the mother was! NTA!
It really sounds like she wants to feel like the hero and is mad the dad is a good parent so she can’t swoop in and save the day. She’s letting her granddaughter go hungry and survive on junk food bc she’s mad that the dad doesn’t look bad enough to make MIL look good. She’s mad his parenting makes her look bad, which it does because she’s not a good caregiver.
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WTF. You would think MIL likes that OP is carrying on and learning dishes her daughter made!
RIGHT!!! If I passed away and left my partner and our kids, my parents would be so grateful my partner would learn my recipes to connect my kids to their parent. And my parents would be so happy to hear my partner was honoring their dead child. I can’t believe this MIL is so ungrateful to have a son in law who honors his late wife everyday by providing for their young daughter with meals to comfort her and remind her of mom. This man is exactly the dad his little girl deserves.
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My daughter went through a picky stage. So I made what she would eat. You don't food shame kids or force feed them that's how they get horrible issues w food.
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The father is totally in the right here! As a parent of a grown picky eater and a grandparent, I'm there to love them and find out what they do like and provide that! It is my job to just love them and keep my opinions to myself. If I lost my daughter I would be devastated! I would also be completely honored that she had a husbhat loved her and their daughter so much that he took the time to learn the recipes for his little girl! That's a great son in law!
I am sad that my mom wrote her recipes down in code because she didn't want us to know them. That was her way of getting us to come home to eat a good meal lol. My brother just threw it away. I have nothing but memories to remember her by.
Load More Replies... Jesus f**k. MIL is: * throwing away perfectly good food that her dead daughter’s husband made * from recipes developed from the aforementioned dead daughter * for a grieving 6yo who just lost her mother. And MIL is shocked and angry the 6yo wants something to bring yer closer to her mother?!?! She’s angry at her son in law for preparing home-cooked meals to remind the girl of her mom and comfort her in her grief?!?! Her response is to literally trash the girl’s memories of her mom, then berate her dad for not forcing the girl to eat MIL’s cooking because it’ll “spoil” her. You know what, a child who just lost a mom deserves some special treatment for awhile. What she does not deserve is being told snacks are better for her than the home cooking her dad made. Honestly, it sounds like the MIL is mad that the girl’s dad is a good parent too, and wants him to be a bad father so she can swoop in and save the day. It sounds like she needs to feel like the hero in this girl’s life.
That is certainly a possibility. He needs to thank her for looking after the kid, but to butt out of the parenting.
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What is crazy is that someone who just lost their Daughter you would think would be more compassionate to their daughters child ??
She may not have the capacity to extend compassion while trying to survive her own grief. It's a terrible journey, and most of us don't handle it well.
Load More Replies... I am truly puzzled as to why mother-in-law was so crotchety, especially since the deceased was her own daughter. Is MIL unable to cope with the reminder? I suspect, not so much the death, as the past life, is the issue. I suspect the deceased recoiled from the ways of her mother, as it is indeed unusual for a woman not to use at least some of her mother's recipes. I suspect that even her choice of husband was not approved. MIL seems like one of those people who, if she cannot crush her own daughter to her wishes, she will crush the granddaughter. FIL took a chance broaching a compromise, likely a rare time he has not caved in to his witch of a wife. I doubt his fortitude to adhere to his promise, once the child was in his shrew's clutches. Father obviously loved his wife, and together, they loved their daughter. This love and legacy are the therapy for coping, and indeed, are an amazing way for the deceased to comfort the bereaved. MIL needs therapy, badly. FIL needs a support group.
Had MIL asked who's recipe is in the food. Should have changed the issue to "my daughter's recipe" is what I am throwing away. She is "Throwing away" her grand daughter's love of her daughter. MIL is wrong.
To the person who said you should offer Mil your wife's recipes idk...why should he do that when he actually brings the food already. If his daughter already likes and accepts the food he makes then its settled. Thats like any other parent who sends food for their child. The MIL has no right to throw away good food. At least she should discuss or suggest alternatives sometimes. But since the child already eats what she is given at home..case closed. In the case of cutting them all off, Op should leave it like that for a bit until he makes his feelings known that the child is to eat what he brings there. Its his right...his child. Maybe at some point he should take the child back to see MIL but be sure to feed her 1st.
Maybe the MIL is angry because she never got a chance to know any of her now deceased daughters recipes, and since she is also grieving(and some people act out with anger towards the ones they love the most when they grieve) then what if that was just always something that the MIL always wanted to do with her daughter and now she thinks that she has lost that chance completely. But..since the dad knows all of the recipes, and the granddaughter clearly loves all of her family members and needs all her loved ones to be able to heal. Maybe a great way for the dad and the MIL to be able to come together again would be if the dad had like a few days free from work and had the in-laws come over to his house or have them go to the in-laws house(whatever is easier/best)..and the dad can have like a cooking day with the MIL, by showing her how/what all he does/cooks and the granddaughter can be their to "assist/taste test everything"
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So I'm probably gonna get hate for this, but It seems there's something few are taking into consideration... Dad is definitely NTA but I don't know if I can fully be against the MIL either. If I'm to understand, the loss of his wife was recent. Which MIL just lost her daughter and it would make sense that she's transferring that maternal loss onto her granddaughter instead. In turn, she's overbearing and over parenting where she shouldn't be. I'm not saying she was in the right by any means. What she did was wrong and definitely needs to be talked over and discouraged, but I wouldn't go as far as to say she's a sociopath or doesn't care about her grandchild. She's likely grieving herself and not thinking clearly. I can understand not letting her babysit anymore, but I don't think she should have visitation taken away entirely...
A response like this thread makes me angry to no end. Me and my sisters were treated terribly by my dad and grandmother during their grieving time. You and Ms. Carr's replies were the template they used to dismiss our emotional struggles. It was particularly terrible with my dad because it was our mom who died. His response was to treat the children she loved like garbage. The only time his family stepped in was when he tried to beat and choke my sister in front of them. For no reason other than being in a bad mood. Same with my grandma. "It's not her fault. She can't help it." It was one of the most emotionally scarring time in my life. Made worse by those who refuse to let us be upset. MIL has a husband and son as immediate family. The granddaughter only has her dad. As a "mature" adult with more mastery over her emotions than a child, yes, her struggles take a backseat. How does "maternal loss" translate to a scenario of spite? Because that's what this really is.
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My now 28 y.o. Daughter ate blueberry Nutrigrain bars and "hot tea" (warm milk) for breakfast for about...4 years I think. She was a very picky eater with a poor appetite and high energy. Skinny little thing. My pediatrician said not to worry, she will eat when she's hungry. And so she has. Anyway, the OP is definitely NTA.
People are always surprising me with the stupid things they do ! She should be so proud of you !
Would that woman have so much disrespect for her own daughter who passed to pull this on a child who deals with her passing by having her brand of comfort food? Kudos to Dad for learning how to make this stuff for his little girl. MIL definitely TA.
Some people are missing the point. This child is 6 years old and routine is so important in her development especially after the passing of her mother at such a young age. They barely understand the concept. The in laws appear to be forming a break a break in the relationship between their granddaughter & her father in her time of dealing the grief of the loss of her mother. This is definitely not about food. Especially when she is only eating snacks at the grandparents. It is about them seizing control of their daughter's daughter & putting s wedge between het & her father. This is not only inacceptable but if their is a sanction for grandparentsl rights, they could certainly loose them in this situation.
6 years old and no mum. So sad. I agree Granny is being a bully. She already lost her mom and now she's got someone who was supposed to love her being nasty to her? Bravo for Dad protecting his daughter. You'd think the mother-in-law will be a little more understanding. If food diversity is such a big deal then why can't the little girl enjoy the recipes from home with a side dish from Grandma added? One thing it doesn't make specific is how long it's been since the little girl lost her mom. If she's being picky just a few months after mom's passing who cares but if it's been going on for a couple of years then maybe there is a problem and counseling might help. Although I'd suggest counseling to get over what happened with the grandmother
Honestly, Grandma needs to see sense. Her program of getting the kid to eat what she wants obviously isn't working, and she needs to realize that maybe it's too soon and the kid is too young and too recently bereaved to have change forced on her. So IMHO both Dad and Grandma need to unbend a bit, Grandma needs to allow the kid some time to eat the things that remind her of her mother, and Dad needs to make sure his daughter has a relationship with her maternal relatives. Maybe just not at mealtime.
No, Dad is doing fine. Grandma is the one who needs to pull the stick out of her a$$. Her attitude is only going to cause the little girl to have worse food issues if she's allowed to babysit anymore. Dad shouldn't cut them off completely, just from the 3x per week childcare, and only allow them to see her when he is there, either at his house or theirs.
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Wife/Mother/Daughter is dead. This isn't about meals or snacks. This is about how each of you are coping with this terrible loss. You need the support and respid grandparents and the other family provide. Your daughter needs all the love from you and her extended family. Your mother-in-law is old-school and isn't accustomed to catering to a child's whims. And you knew this probably for the last 6 years. Take your daughter to her pediatrician to make sure she's healthy and since you seem to not know how to cook. And get grieving and parenting counseling. None of you are dealing with this appropriately.
The baby is grieving. And while I understand the in laws are too, throwing away good food so that the child eats their food is wrong on so many levels. Dad is beyond in justified to not allow her over there right now. You don't starve a child because they won't eat your food.
Wait, what? Isn't the food the mother in law is throwing away based on the cooking and therefore memories of her own daughter? This is so many levels of sick in the head by the mother in law. She is disrespecting the love and grief of her grand daughter toward her own daughter.
Wait - your DEAD WIFE'S recipes? So... her mother? What heartless, cruel and wasteful witch.
So the mil is throwing away her late dughters food and she justifies it by saying you're spoiling the child? B!@CH plz. Are you not still grieving for your daughter too, wheres the sympathy? Eat it with her and share memories of your daughter with your grand daughter. Did you not teach your late daughter how to cook to begin with?
My little daughter is a picky eater and that is NOT the way to do it. They will all eat more variety as they get older. Forcing never helps, especially since it's also trauma-related here. Also it's not the result of bad parenting, her older brother is and always has been a great eater. Kids are different.
I'm so confused. If it's his mother-in-law then it's his late wife's mother correct? Her own daughter is dead and this is how she helps a grieving 6 year old granddaughter? I mean there's zero empathy here and makes me wonder what the relationship between his wife and mother-in-law was like before she died.
I'm suspecting the late mom/daughter was a much better cook than her mother, and there's some jealousy in play.
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I worry a little deeper into it. Did mil have jealousy issues toward her daughter..The father needs paperwork on who cares for child if God forbid he became unable. Unless he does she might be given to these people.
I agree with all of these things! However, just playing devil's advocate, the grandmother just lost her daughter. She might be grieving for her daughter. That might be how she parented her daughter, and is quite possibly trying to get her daughter back through her granddaughter. That doesn't mean that this is okay, but the grandmother probably has very real grief too! (Which doesn't excuse her actions)
If dad is making homemade meals of the same type as his wife did AND he's expanding the menu every week or so, then the kid is getting her nutritional needs met. G'ma needs to STFU and STFD. She could always offer something IN ADDITION TO what dad sent. Let the kid do her thing.
Parents are responsible for their kids. If this dad sends food then the child should eat it This baby is 6 yrs old. No eating disorder that's just how some young kids are. Im a parent and my kid eats what i provide and i don't argue with anyone about my child. This dad is doing an excellent job.!!!
What perplexes me is she is throwing away food from recipes her own daughter used. Where did these recipes come from? A vacuum? I have NEVER met a good cook who did not include recipes taught to her by her own mother. Why throw away foods prepared the way her daughter prepared them in favor of ones the MIL is making herself? That just seems wasteful and petty.
Most American children live off of McDonald's. Her picky home cooked food is probably better anyhow.
I'm not even sure why this question would be asked. It is blatantly wrong for the MIL to throw away food that he put much time and effort into making. The trauma endured by OP and child are heartbreaking and that behavior is inexcusable. The only way I can see this relationship getting on the right track to being civil is if she apologized sincerely and said her actions were because it was too painful for her to be reminded of her daughter more than she already is by seeing her in the food. People respond to trauma and loss differently. Families even split over it, and she might have done it.
This seems a bit weird because if she's the mil then the man's wife was her daughter. So she must be grieving too. Maybe this is a strange way of dealing with her grief.
I do understand the opinion of the Mil but for the love of God, you can't just throw away perfectly decent meals and let your granddaughter eat only snacks! What kind of BS powerplay is that?
I agree with dad. MIL is way overstepping. However I don't know that taking away her grandparents is the answer. She doesn't need to lose more people that she probably loves. Try to work this out with your MIL even if they can only see here if it is for short periods where they come over or a meal is not involved. Also talked to the daughter and see how she feels.
I think you should allow the grand parents to see your daughter but only under your supervision. They cannot be trusted to feed her properly. Btw, the mil is really thinking it through. What she should have done is served the food you cooked but have a dish of her own that’s appealing and say “Would you like to try a spoonful of this? It was your mommy’s favorite when she was your age.” Gradually introduce new foods with no pressure.
Grandma isn't thinking clearly...she just lost her daughter. She's grieving too.
Load More Replies... I'd give it another try based on FILs promise and ask the kid whether they kept their promise or not.
You can't put the child in the middle like that, it's not fair at all. The grown ups need to act like adults and sort it out between themselves without priming a 6 year old for information. MIL needs to get a grip and be told what's what. Yes, she is grieving her daughter but she must know that what she's doing is wrong.
Load More Replies... You are definitely NTA. That being said, your MIL is probably still grieving the loss, too, and hasn’t acknowledged her pain and anger. People who feel like they have no power or control (she couldn’t prevent her daughter’s death), look for it elsewhere. Controlling what the granddaughter eats is her way of having control over anything connected to the daughter she lost.
Some kids have a food issue called "restrictive and avoidance food intake disorder " That means they physically will let themselves starve if not given "preferred foods". Sounds like these grandparents would clearly let that happen if not for snack food.
Although I agree the kid was spoiled in being allowed to control the menu, right after her mom's death is NOT The time to try & fix it! That horse is clearly out of the barn already & doing something drastic during such emotional upheaval is def an AH move. I think it's great the Dad went to so much trouble to keep some familiarity & comfort going for his daughter. She will remember this all her life, I'm willing to bet. He can tackle the food issues once things have settled down a bit. I don't think cutting the family off entirely is a good plan either however. This kid needs all the support she can get. Maybe just limiting it to one day a week to get his point across now that his sis had picked up the slack would be a good start ? Esp since FIL seems to get it & is willing to put MIL in her place
Had similar problem with my in-laws. No more babysitting for them!!!! Instead we made sure they had short visits. ( A couple hours) didn't totally break them off for the kids sake
Anybody who throws out food is the biggest entitled piece of absolute garbage on this earth and they can never be right about anything periodt. Rant over.
As a former mildly picky eater, I hate picky eaters. I agree with a comment further down in the thread, that baring physical or mental issues, picky eaters are not born, they are made. My son is a picky eater, and he ate everything under the sun until his father started seeing him. At his house they would only eat fast food, no one cooked. Pizza, chicken nuggets, mac n cheese, ect. And they started feeding himnthis when he was a year ½. Yo this day he will say he doesn't like something before he even tries it. It's been hard, but the father is no contact now, so I've been slowly trying to erase those bad habits. That being said, the OP would 200% be NTA if his daughter WASN'T a picky eater before her mom's passing, but she was. In knowing that, I give a firm ESH. MIL sucks for foodwaste, and yes, the daughter is grieving, but she sounds like a spoiled brat.
I'm sorry all of you are going through such a painful time. As a Grandma, a mother of a daughter, (I'm old school waste not want not) MIL your Granddaughter is the most precious gift your daughter could ever give, thank the God above your SIL is even trying to keep you in the child's life. To FIL good of you to try to make amends to this hurtful situation. This young girl has lost her mom , SIL lost his wife , FIL MIL lost a daughter please come together respect the loved one you lost strengthen this family bond. Everyone needs everyone's support and love. Perhaps FIL MIL can visit sister during lunch time share in the amazing recipes their daughter created. Many family recipes have been passed down we add our own twist to them. Perhaps sister can watch neice until lunch is over and FIL MIL can watch Granddaughter until SIL is off work. MIL I know you may be thinking you're helping as one MIL to another you are not. FAMILY FIRST.
Recovering from the lost of a loved one, Especially a Mother, is a difficult process. The process is different for everyone. I understand what the mother-n-law is saying. Which is a valid point. You can't do this forever.. But at the same time, you wean the process as opposed to abruptly diminishing it.
I am baffled by the MIL actions. That was HER daughter she lost! And this is the way she reacts?!?! And day in and day out throwing food away?!?! Why didn't she say something about the food from day 1? Food is expensive enough. Clearly doing things behind your back and wanting to run the show. Is the ulterior motive here to start running the granddaughters life as if she were her own because she lost her daughter? This woman is a sociopath or is grieving in a malicious manner. Dad put your foot down, set the rooms, and clearly state this is your child not hers. Sometimes you have to saying it bluntly for them to understand. I lost my husband a year ago with 4 kids. After almost a year I had to have the talk with the MIL and we actually have gotten closer since. Good luck and stand your ground.
Really?.all.the gungry kids in this world ...we can afford to be picky as we have choices...poor people rarely have choice. That being said she is six she does not decide whT she will eat..parents do. I give my daughter food if she doesn't eat it that is on her...when she gets hungry enough she would eat. But you all sound like sissies catering to a six year old lole she is your mother. Granted her mother died but life still goes on
I agree let the daughter eat as she wishes. The MIL could do activities with the child including teaching her to cook. With out guilt the child could enjoy the food from home. Then later the MIL could have a special little meal of what they cooked together as an activity. Let the little girl have her mothers food and special cooking and eating with MIL. Let her have the best of both these loving caring women in her life..
That's like throwing away perfectly good lunches a parent packed for their child to eat at school.theres no difference,if there is it'd just the in laws knowing the sentiment value of the act and felt like the daughter was getting spoiled when in reality she was just still getting fortunately what she always had,the mother passing and no more of her meals until her father started to provide again was the temporary problem.those grandparents r jerks and kudos to Dad for standing for what he believed in even if it cost him some free babysitters and not selling out🍎
She doesn't respect him as a parent, who knows what else she does he doesn't approve of. And all 6 years old are sort of picky eaters, it eventually will go away. If eating her mom's recipes comforts her and preparing the meals comforts the father what could possibly be wrong about it.
To remember a parent by making her mom’s recipes is a sign of love and caring. Tying to come to terms with loss varies from person to person. Mother in law should be ashamed of herself. I would only allow short visits, not a full day…that would be after trying to reason with MIL.
Having a picky eater myself as well as being a single parent I can definitely understand how you feel. You are absolutely right and your MIL is wrong. The key isn't to force the child to eat what she doesn't like but to find ways to introduce new things to her. For example, mine hates veggies with a passion including the basics (onions, tomatoes and bell peppers) . Of course that is typical for a child. If he sees anything that looks like a vegetable in his dish he will stop eating. So I will blend them to a puree and incorporate them in my dishes. Try to make simple dishes with simple seasonings. Also get her involved in choosing what she will eat. Sit with her and do a meal plan. Then have her help in the kitchen with small things. Soon you'll see she'll become more adventurous in what she eats. And don't let anyone tell you you are raising her wrong. You are doing an awesome job!!!
I’m confused about something. Isn’t it MIL’s daughter who passed away? Shouldn’t she be thrilled her daughter’s recipes are being kept alive…unless she has some weird competitiveness with her own (deceased) daughter. Gross.
While I do believe that was AH move by grandma, I think if dad steps back a sec to process maybe a different perspective. I'm assuming that MIL means this is his deceased wife's mother which means, 'her' daughter is the one that's dead... So maybe she's trying to deal with her grief as well. Although her method was irrational and incorrect, that very meal that I'm sure she knew her daughter made for her own child, could in fact be a grief trigger. So maybe, cooling off then attempting a conversation could remedy this. I would hate for a relationship rift to occur over what is possibly a misunderstanding.
Lol most children refuse to eat anything but chicken nuggets and shes spoiled for eating daddys healthy home cooking? Honestly it sounds like a great way for both of them to bond and cope over the death of a loved one, but some people will get jealous of anyone, even their dead children.....
You are trying to support your child in eating food that feels safe and comfortable for her after you have both been through a terrible, traumatic experience. Never, ever trust people who go behind your back, lie to you, criticize you and then complain about the consequences of that. If she's admitting to bullying your daughter like this, what else is she doing that you don't know about? Your daughter needs unconditional love and support and over time she will expand her diet, but now is not the time and MIL is sure as heck not the way.
He's being a great father by learning to cook his late wife's recipes for their daughter. Being able to eat those meals may make the child feel a connection to her late mother that helps ease her grief. Forcing picky eaters to eat different meals will probably backfire. If MIL wanted to help her grand daughter, she would let her eat the food she brings and offer her a tiny amount of something new once in a while. If the grand daughter refused the new food, MIL shouldn't make a big deal of it. I suspect most kids who are picky eaters outgrow it as long as other people don't turn it into a battle. If anything, MIL was making her grand daughter become stubborn about being a picky eater. Her father did the right thing by not having MIL take care of his daughter. behaandshwabullying and showed
It's interesting that MIL can't connect that her daughter's death had a profound effect on her daughter's daughter. Kids also don't have the same sense of taste we adults do. What we disliked as a kid may taste great later. The father, who lost his lover and friend is also missing her. I think he's doing a great job and is NTA. He's the first man his daughter will fall in love with and sets the bar for the man she chooses for her own.
This is about women and their recipes and nothing else... So possibly the daughter didn't make those recipes that she got her mother exactly the way her mommy used to do And now granny gets offended that her daughter's daughter won't touch her food but cant blame a dead daughter... Women and their recipes smh
You all baffle me. There's no way in the world my parents would ever over step their boundaries and tell my grandparents what they can and cannot feed me in their own home. Many of you forget that it takes a village to raise a child. Children are resilient. His daughter is not the first or the last to be a picky eater. Many of you are giving him false hope that he is doing the best thing for his child. He is setting himself and his child up for failure. He will need them before they need him. I hope they continue to be there to welcome him and their otherwise lovely grandchild with open arms. His sister is going to reach her breaking point, then what. What happens when he get sick or need to travel, will she just starve then? There's real problems in the world. Let the child grow up.
so, because "iT tAkeS a vILlAge To rAisE A chILD" Its ok to throw away food someone else made, whine that the child is hungry and won't eat, and then get angry at her dad after her mom died and she wants moms food?
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This behavior from the in laws seems like it's been closeted and only came to light once the wife died. If they are questioning his abilities to parent, I'm sure they questioned their daughter about his abilities to be a husband. Now that the daughter/wife is gone, their feelings for him have surfaced. These are the types of people that would take him to court for visitation, since they're already questioning his parenting skills. If the in laws are like this with food, imagine how they'll act if he gets remarried. He's in for a load of problems.
Normally I'd say the MIL has a point even tho I don't agree with her actions, she's overstepping. If you have a picky eater, you serve them what they should eat anyway. If they don't, that's their choice. Eventually they WILL eat what you serve them. Still he is the father and she has no right meddling, especially not throwing away already made food, that's really fakking dickish. This is a special case tho. There is trauma and sentimental value involved, I have no experience with this particular situation so I really don't know what to do with a picky eater in this situation. It's best to just leave it to the father. He knows the child better than anyone.
No they won't, no matter if they experienced a trauma or not. A picky eater will go hungry, or eventually sneak the things they want to eat. Then they end up with an eating disorder and all sorts of relationship issues. You feed the picky eater what they will eat, give opportunity and encouragement to try new things, give vitamins if they need them, demonstrate healthy eating habits and attitudes about food. Invite them to participate in cooking. The old 'if they get hungry enough they'll eat it" could be interpreted as "I'm willing to starve my children to make a point".
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But when she's not at home, and not with her dad, she can eat other things and become more resilient. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about having safe moments and bonding. But food should also be considered functional to not develop a strange relationship with it. When she's outside her home, she does not need comfort food accompanying her her whole life. I do also think that the grandparents should provide her with some of the foods she does love, but also take the opportunity of different surroundings to try new things. All these people seem like stubborn idiots only seeing one correct way. Dad is not doing what's best for his kid, grandparents aren't either.
The thing that's a little off about this story is why doesn't MIL or FIL know her daughters recipes, often times favorite recipes are passed down. And even if they aren't family recipes, they were those of their daughter. Why no sentimentality from MIL over something special to her daughter?
Yeah, I was also a picky eater in early childhood, though I started eating more things after 5-6 years of age, and by teenage, i usually ate most of the food my mother cooked, while my sister developed into a picky eater after I grew out of it, so it depends on children too. My sister isn't scared of any scolding 😂
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MIL is definitely the AH in this situation, but I would hesitate to not let the child see her grandmother any more at all. I would call her up, say we're coming over for an hour to visit - put the kettle on, and keep your visits short and sweet. Then the family can't grumble that grannie doesn't see her girl. Just make sure he isn't left alone there.
NTA, however....everyone seems to be ignoring the fact that the grandma is grieving too. She lost her daughter. No mother should ever outlive their child. She's probably acting irrationally out of her own grief. It's possible she's even being triggered by having her daughter's recipes in her home. The little girl is probably talking about how that's mommy's food. Dad is absolutely doing the right thing by making his wife's food for his daughter and meeting her where she is in her grief. Now is NOT the time to deal with her picky eating. She's just trying to survive. However, grandma's just trying to survive too, and I think that cutting off her access to her granddaughter might cause irreparable damage for this family. They've already lost enough. I'm sure there's a way to talk this through, though it may involve some family/grief therapy.
I agree with the MIL that the granddaughter should be fed a wider variety of food because exposure is what makes people comfortable broadening their culinary horizons and helps them to mature their palate. This can help make someone more cultured as well as improve their health throughout their life. However, it is very wasteful to throw out perfectly good food and goes against the parents wishes. I think they should come up with a compromise such as sending the daughter a smaller portion and saying she gets to eat her favorite food that her mom used make if she tries grandma's food first.
Yes, the daughter should eat more. However, now is not the time. Her whole world has been turned upside down by the loss of her mom. When a kid's world is a mess, they grab onto one thing they can control. Some revert in toilet training, or sleeping...this one is refusing to eat anything but her dead mom's food. It make sense, and it's good to let her have that control for a while as she processes her grief. She'll get past this stage when she's ready.
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I was an enormously picky eater as a child. To see me now, you would never believe it, because I eat or try (almost) anything. My mom was wonderful enough never to force me to eat things I hated, and made the things I should eat (like green vegetables) more palatable by putting apple sauce (something I loved) on them. My worst experiences were when I was "forced" to eat things (by others) I didn't want to eat. At a camp, I couldn't leave the table until I ate the plum that was part of the meal. I sat there for hours crying, and never tried a plum or canned fruit until decades later. Introducing foods to try as early in life as possible may help, but picky eating is challenging, and "forcing" rarely works.
It was traumatizing wasn't it?! I had the same thing with tuna fish, still can't get near it or anything similar. What point do or value do these adults think they are instilling? Adults are tyrants? Kids ownership over their own body excludes food and bathroom breaks? Crying will not be responded to with empathy and care from trusted adults?
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wtf that MIL is way out of line. As a mother of a VERY picky eater i understand his struggle all too well. Eventually your child will eat better but until then just do what works, what matters is they eat something/anything! To throw your lovingly made food out behind your back is sneaky as heck. I wouldn't let her sit kid anymore either
When my cousin was small she suffered from undiagnosed Anxiety Disorder and as a way to control her world she would only eat baccon and French fries. It took a long time a lot of love and support, and an eventual diagnosis of anxiety disorder, but now as an adult she eats a wide variety of foods. Let the poor baby be as long as she is healthy, who cares.
It's not about the food, it's about her connection to her mum that she's sadly lost. How the grandmother can't see that is beyond me.
She probably can't see past her own grief for her dead daughter.
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Besides it's not like she's only eating McDonald's only she only eats her mother recipes only it's understandable plus she is 5 years old and grieving that pain never goes away justook at me am 36 and I still have depression was diagnosed with it at 9 after my sister death and on top of other deaths in the family it's worst yeah I knew someone that only eats McDonald's nothing else everyday 3x a day for 22 years plus he was allowed to play 18+ games as soon as he was able to play video games as a toddler do to his mother didn't understand what game ratings was for so a 3 year old played jaws and Duke nekum he was what the definition of spoiled is
Why does this sound like something my own maternal grandmother would do? Oh yeah cause she has! (Not a dead love ones food but food in general) she's a bit of a narc. She kicked my slightly disabled aunt on the streets because she was getting married. Then bad mouthed the man even after he died of a heart attack! Then forced her to move in with her. Then forced her to move back to her own home and forced her to take her other sister and disabled niece in. My aunt had not really had a chance to grieve.
Your MIL is a control freak. You did the right thing. You should arrange two or three hour visitation with those grandparents just like once a month that is not during a mealtime but that's IT!!! They are not fit to care for a 6 year old.
This is his child, and grandparents do not have legal rights. The child is grieving and picky eating is rarely forever. I'd be a lot less nice if I were in this father's shoes, and MIL/FIL would be unable to reach me at all. How dare they try to dictate this child's grieving process, and if the child is getting proper nutrition, who cares if she eats the same few dishes all the time. Add onto that the father's grief over losing his wife, the struggles of being a single parent, and learning to cook. These grandparents are absolutely the A in this case.
Sounds like a good indicator of what is yet to come. Move away as far as you can and start a new life with your daughter from scratch. It sounds extreme but I think it will circumvent a major future problem not to mention the mental health for your daughter. Your mental health is important too.
Honestly, this sounds almost like an autism based reaction to grief. And MIL's interference would only go down the eating disorder road. Good on you OP for standing up for your daughter.
I believe the MIL is totally in the wrong here very wrong. I mean why didn't she talk to you about her concerns? And why make such a huge dramatic display for her granddaughter? Really not very mature of her and not very empathic to anyone . But I think maybe she has some unresolved ed anger from possibly her grief of losing her daughter? I wouldn't make it worse by cutting her off from her granddaughter. How is their relationship otherwise? If they have a good relationship otherwise it maybe in everyone's best interest not to further dramatize this and potentially traumatize anyone. What was the late wife's relationship with her parents like were there other issues about her acting like this about their parenting ? So many factors other than just this that need to be considered before one flys off the handle here taking some middle ground stance is usually qhats best nd teaches the child to be kind and tolerant but firm about things that are important right? Counseling may help
I do believe what the mother in law has done here from a parental standpoint is truly wicked and constitutes her losing unsupervised visits with the kid until she gets some therapy for sure but people forget she lost someone too and everyone deals with death very differently. Some people can become very toxic for a period of time. I don’t know what I would do if my daughter died regardless of age or how many kids you have. Final note she’s Grandma not Mother In Law and any parent with kids involved knows that and that it takes a village to raise a child not one. Keep your guard up don’t give up entirely on grandma she’s hurting too.
It seems to me she needs to realize she has a that she needed and wanted a d start a ting like a loving mother and grandmother. People will not allow shelfish person to act in such a way she needs to be banded. From the ones shs says she loves to stand up and grow up or stay away and stop. Causing more pain needy
I remember the episode of Leverage in which a man would always come to the bar, order chicken parm and send it back without eating any. He later revealed that his wife made chicken parm for him because it was his favorite and, after she passed away, he can't bring himself to eat it. So the crew got together to find him a new favorite dish cooking him everything on the menu. Maybe the daughter just needs a new favorite dish.
as a kid who had food trauma, please understand that a "picky eater" may have underlying problems. I just found out that I'm autistic, and confirmed my suspicions that I've always had "sensory processing disorder" (I'm an Avoider) and there are foods I *CANNOT* eat because of smell, taste, and texture. I'm frustrated that the in-laws are undermining your efforts to help your daughter, too.
We all know what an orphan is but how do you call someone that's lost a grandmother ?
He's NTA, nor does ESH. Not only is this grandmother completely out of line, and demonstrating that throwing away perfectly good food is a-okay, but these are her daughter's recipes! Was grandma like this when her daughter was alive? Did they have a strained relationship? (Wouldn't be surprised.) Why is she disrespecting her daughter and her memory in front of *her* only child? I want to know why, but it doesn't help the situation, and I want that poor little girl to hang onto whatever is giving her peace, even if it means no grandparents. I agree with dad taking her out of that woman's sphere of influence because if she's throwing away good food, she's most likely not at all healthy in their interactions, either.
If the father is the stand up father he says he is, then I wouldn't let them visit with her alone. It sounds like they have no respect for either the granddaughter or her dad. However, if he really wants to be a good guy/dad/SIL he might think about only allowing visits but only when dad or someone like his sister(?) is present and on times that are accommodating to the dads schedule. That way the little one doesn't lose more family, she is protected from being mistreated and from the sound of how the in laws are, most likely nothing would eat at the MIL more than being politely monitored. We can sometimes be blinded by what we think is right and no matter what kind of family it is. She will only see it as losing more family. I was an extremely picky eater and my mom was my world too. Now I eat a wide variety of foods. When I have to make life altering decisions for people I always try to imagine seeing it from the eyes of the person who's life is being altered first. Just my opinion
Both IL and father have something for them and against them. Let's look at a 6 year old. 6 year olds are always "picky". It's a phase. I was picky when I was 6. You were picky at 6. Every 6 yo is. And if you don't break through that they'll still be picky at 12 and picky as adults. Children have to learn to appreciate whatever they are given. In this case there is a grieving process also going on. Extra challenge. The food brings comfort. But it doesn't help in developing a wider taste range. I think the MIL is wrong to throw the food away and the dad hearing this from his own kid. Instead she should have just talked about it with the dad, and tell him he can cook the mother's recipes at other days in the week (because it is important for the grieving process) but as the child is with the in-laws will eat what the MIL prepares to develop wider taste. Let the child both grief AND develop. Neither should be hindered. Both dad and MIL are the assholes.
That was their daughter that died and this guy will not work with the in laws for a solution? That is wrong and cruel.Yes, the MIL was wrong but work something out like an adult. These commenters apparently are selfish jerks.
But he did, if you would stop speculating and actually look into the story completely. He said he would feed her first and then take her to the grandparents' house.
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He should have just stopped the visits and sorted himself out without iving feedback. It would have been easier and ensured they only see the chid when he's around to supervise the meals period. Sometimes we complicate parenting by inviting too many players into the picture. Kids need one person making decisions in the absence of two parents... Create boy diaries from them, reduce time spent with them and have a healthy environment with your child. God knows what else they're undoing.
This MIL is also grieving. She has lost her daughter and it sounds like she's trying to fill that loss by forging a bond with her granddaughter that feels special and unique to her. It's unhealthy grieving, to be sure, and she's absolutely in the wrong here. But it doesn't sound like she's cruel or a monster. Everybody here could benefit from some family therapy.
Exactly. Too few people are acknowledging grandma's grief here.
Load More Replies... in attempts to see the other point of view, The Mother in law just lost her Daughter and watching her Daughter eat her cooking could have been a loving memory she had with her daughter and thought seeing her Granddaughter ding the same could be a bonding and healing method for her, which could explain why she really is upset about the Father prepping food for her instead
It could also be painful for her to have her daughter's food in her house and have the granddaughter talking about mommy's recipes. Grief is weird.
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F**k em, I'd cut ties. When you've got a MIL like that they never change and it's not worth the hassle.
Kids with sensory challenges (issues) are NOT picky eaters! That has to be one of my biggest pet peeves about people who plainly don't understand kids with FASD, ADHD, ASD, Asperger's.
Idk what you mean. They absolutely can be picky eaters. My husband, as a child, would only eat rice and gravy for YEARS. He eventually grew out of it but if that is not picky idk what is. I have a coworker with a girl who would not eat anything, only drink. She is capable of eating food but she won't eat. They're considering putting a tube in. Is it just the term picky you don't like? Or, are you suggesting that these types of behaviors are not common for people on the spectrum?
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I'm so sorry for the loss and grief you and your daughter are going thru. 💔 You're doing the right thing by not leaving your daughter with the in law's. Your daughter needs love, support and compassion right now. You're a great dad for taking the time to learn to cook your wife's recipes for her. God Bless you both with strength and comfort!
Grandma is also grieving and needs just as much support, love, and compassion. She lost her daughter.
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Nta, but in the interest of peace I would give her another chance. She can offer the kid both options. She's only six, sooner or later she'll eat something else.
NTA. You don't owe them a GD thing. And who tf THROWS AWAY perfectly good food (instead of outright stealing it or just eating it themselves)?!?! Monsters, that's who.
If you're truly hungry, you'll eat what's presented. Part of enjoying life is enjoying all food, not just turning up your nose over an ingredient.
Spoken like someone with no experience caring for children.
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This is only about control. Both the child and the grandmother are dueling over control of the child's life. This started when her mother was alive. It has gotten worse since the Mom died. It will not get "better." If you want the child to eat, feed her what she will eat. If you want to make this a long term problem fight with her about it. It isn't worth the effort. As long as the kid is eating, let it go. Don't fight over WHAT she is eating. Just make sure she is eating.
Ah! I see we have someone in the crowd who knew the family personally!
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NTA. Mom died. Your daughter doesn't have mom anymore... this is very likely part of a process for grieving that your very young daughter is trying to figure out... MIL is being abusive. They probably both could benefit from counseling tho, as it sounds like MIL doesn't know how to cope, and is taking it out on you.... your daughter would benefit from counseling by quantifying her emotions and understanding them. It helps to vent to someone who isn't also traumatized by the same event (like a parent/spouse), bc children often don't want to add to a parent's suffering, and clam up rather than communicate... then you start to see behavioral manifestations commonly. Being picky is something that provides her control; MIL is adding to trauma.
Grandparents are the worst I should know mine messed me up I always been a picky eater and no things to them I can no longer enjoy foods I used to enjoy eating without wanting to puke after all the messed up stories they made up while I was earting said food l get physical ill and sick to my stomach if any foods has bones and skin still on it same candy makes me gag do to the lies they told me they told me gummy worms were made from the blood and guts of worms like what is used as fishing bait and which animals the food is made from they purposely made it wrong so it was nasty
Sorry, enough with this nonsense. Kids in poverty stricken, war-torn, natural disaster ravaged countries lose parents all the time. Who holds their hands while they process it. This is why kids are growing up unable to cope with life's problems. Stop mollycuddling children. Kids who face issues heads on become resilient adults. Leave her without food for 8 hours, trust me - she'll eat what the hell you put in front of her. Flipping nonsense.
So grandma should starve her granddaughter throw away and waste perfectly good food because starving children on the other side of the world don't have parents? makes perfect sense/s
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The father's first mistake was trying to program the in laws. Seriously, take a break and stop trying to control things you can't... or, keep trying to control things and give yourself fits when reality smacks you in the kisser.
No way, Jose. The in-laws were trying to reprogram something that was under control. They need the break, and the child's father gave it to them.
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As a non-neurotypical "picky eater" kid, I to this day (almost 30) through throw up food if it sets off one of my sensory issues (taste, smell, texture). I'm more adventurous and willing to try things now but it's still an issue and a lot of things I simply cannot eat. My parents were just like you, so I would literally never eat at home and only be able to eat at school. I was malnourished which led to height-stunting (I'm not even 5 feet tall). You are a dumpster fire of a person with no empathy.
Load More Replies... It seems like Dad and Daughter have worked out an arrangement where she eats what he makes and they both get to bond over remembering a loved one. I don't see how interfering with that can possibly be helpful. They are both sad and need comfort.
I wrote this up because I saw Rissie comment. - I too struggle with eating disorders and fought obesity and won. I had an emotionally unavailable mom who didn't have *time* for me and tossed candy bars in my lap as she selfishly left me and eventually committed suicide. She didn't *care.* Food equals love (we are born into this world with our mothers feeding us).. so I ate a lot to find that love. I was always alone. This Dad may not give the kid a balanced diet of nutrients due to being picky.. but he's giving her *love* and cares deeply for her. We pick up eating addictions because we weren't given what we needed as kids which was love, care and time. This Dad is providing all that and more. The mom just passed. It takes time to heal and grow and which case her menu of likes will expand. Her Dad is being both parents. He's providing her the love she's missing from the mom. He's there for her. Which will probably make her feel less abandoned by her mothers death. The kid is already resilient as she survived a mothers passing. I have Borderline Personality. I didn't have anything in my childhood. No love. Nothing. And I can say this is a good dad. Being attuned to your childs needs is most important.. otherwise the child has to attune to you which becomes Complex PTSD and possibly a personality disorder if you have the genetic makeup for one. This Dad's actions are everything. It's not about the actual food as much as it is about what he's providing and showing her. *LOVE*
Load More Replies... Step 1: survive life-shattering event in whatever way possible. Step 326: introduce new foods to the small child whose world has been shattered and put back together with whatever tape and bubble gum you had on hand.
Exactly. As much as I would be a very strict mother and I dont believe in spoiling children she just lost her mother. What kind of monster does not feel pity for that poor child? She will elarn to eat more eventually. But now she needs to heal.
Load More Replies... As a 65-year-old picky eater, what I do know is that picky eaters tend to be super-smellers and/or super-tasters (I’m both), which sounds like it would be good thing but isn’t. What it means is that what you taste as a delicious serving of brussel sprouts to me smells and tastes something that came out of a garbage can and will likely make me vomit. My mother always made me, my sister and brothers take a small helping of things we didn’t like with the idea that it would help us avoid awkward situations when we were guests somewhere, which sounds like a great idea in theory, but once I was on my own, I decided I would never again eat anything I don’t like. I understand worrying about nutritional needs, but would highly recommend giving your children fortified vitamins rather than forcing them to eat foods they don’t like. They may find later on in life that they’re willing to give something a go if they weren’t *forced* to eat it as a child.
I'm 29, I lost my pops last year. He was THE BEST COOK. his recipes came from my grandma (my bf) who passed away when I was 9.. she was the glue to our family n after she passed we all felt lost because she was so secretive about her recipes except for around me n my dad. (We were the only ones who actually showed interest in cooking) so him n I worked so hard to get her recipes right n we got pretty damn close. N then when he passed last year, it fell to me for my brothers n I, everytime I'm missing my dad I pull out the recipes n pick one that reminds me of a good time. Pot roast, 12th bday... chicken roll ups. Xmas 10yo. etc. n it's the 1 thing I have that makes me feel like he's still here. Every year on his bday I cook a GIGANTIC meal for my bros, their gfs n my husband just like he would n it's a very cathartic thing for all of us. It's like therapy. Ya know!? So to throw out food that brings her closer to her mother is absolutely f****d up on every level. NTA!
I'm sorry for your loss Imogene. And yes, food brings back memories and I love what you do to keep these lovely memories alive. Hugs.
Load More Replies... I'm just floored by the fact that MIL cannot appreciate that the food is made from HER OWN DAUGHTER'S recipes! MIL is a stone cold b*tch. OP needs to make sure he has paperwork set up for his sister to be guardian if anything happens to him!
Grandma is grieving too. She lost her daughter. She's probably being irrational because of her own grief. When my mom died, my grandma and aunt couldn't be around me for a while because I reminded them too much of my mom (their daughter and sister respectively). Having her granddaughter eat and talk about her daughter's food could be triggering her. Grief makes us do strange things.
Load More Replies... So it's better to have her eat snacks than food she will actually eat? The last straw was the MIL telling him that he wasn't raising the child properly! He's feeding her the same food as the mother was! NTA!
It really sounds like she wants to feel like the hero and is mad the dad is a good parent so she can’t swoop in and save the day. She’s letting her granddaughter go hungry and survive on junk food bc she’s mad that the dad doesn’t look bad enough to make MIL look good. She’s mad his parenting makes her look bad, which it does because she’s not a good caregiver.
Load More Replies... WTF. You would think MIL likes that OP is carrying on and learning dishes her daughter made!
RIGHT!!! If I passed away and left my partner and our kids, my parents would be so grateful my partner would learn my recipes to connect my kids to their parent. And my parents would be so happy to hear my partner was honoring their dead child. I can’t believe this MIL is so ungrateful to have a son in law who honors his late wife everyday by providing for their young daughter with meals to comfort her and remind her of mom. This man is exactly the dad his little girl deserves.
Load More Replies... My daughter went through a picky stage. So I made what she would eat. You don't food shame kids or force feed them that's how they get horrible issues w food.
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Load More Replies... The father is totally in the right here! As a parent of a grown picky eater and a grandparent, I'm there to love them and find out what they do like and provide that! It is my job to just love them and keep my opinions to myself. If I lost my daughter I would be devastated! I would also be completely honored that she had a husbhat loved her and their daughter so much that he took the time to learn the recipes for his little girl! That's a great son in law!
I am sad that my mom wrote her recipes down in code because she didn't want us to know them. That was her way of getting us to come home to eat a good meal lol. My brother just threw it away. I have nothing but memories to remember her by.
Load More Replies... Jesus f**k. MIL is: * throwing away perfectly good food that her dead daughter’s husband made * from recipes developed from the aforementioned dead daughter * for a grieving 6yo who just lost her mother. And MIL is shocked and angry the 6yo wants something to bring yer closer to her mother?!?! She’s angry at her son in law for preparing home-cooked meals to remind the girl of her mom and comfort her in her grief?!?! Her response is to literally trash the girl’s memories of her mom, then berate her dad for not forcing the girl to eat MIL’s cooking because it’ll “spoil” her. You know what, a child who just lost a mom deserves some special treatment for awhile. What she does not deserve is being told snacks are better for her than the home cooking her dad made. Honestly, it sounds like the MIL is mad that the girl’s dad is a good parent too, and wants him to be a bad father so she can swoop in and save the day. It sounds like she needs to feel like the hero in this girl’s life.
That is certainly a possibility. He needs to thank her for looking after the kid, but to butt out of the parenting.
Load More Replies... What is crazy is that someone who just lost their Daughter you would think would be more compassionate to their daughters child ??
She may not have the capacity to extend compassion while trying to survive her own grief. It's a terrible journey, and most of us don't handle it well.
Load More Replies... I am truly puzzled as to why mother-in-law was so crotchety, especially since the deceased was her own daughter. Is MIL unable to cope with the reminder? I suspect, not so much the death, as the past life, is the issue. I suspect the deceased recoiled from the ways of her mother, as it is indeed unusual for a woman not to use at least some of her mother's recipes. I suspect that even her choice of husband was not approved. MIL seems like one of those people who, if she cannot crush her own daughter to her wishes, she will crush the granddaughter. FIL took a chance broaching a compromise, likely a rare time he has not caved in to his witch of a wife. I doubt his fortitude to adhere to his promise, once the child was in his shrew's clutches. Father obviously loved his wife, and together, they loved their daughter. This love and legacy are the therapy for coping, and indeed, are an amazing way for the deceased to comfort the bereaved. MIL needs therapy, badly. FIL needs a support group.
Had MIL asked who's recipe is in the food. Should have changed the issue to "my daughter's recipe" is what I am throwing away. She is "Throwing away" her grand daughter's love of her daughter. MIL is wrong.
To the person who said you should offer Mil your wife's recipes idk...why should he do that when he actually brings the food already. If his daughter already likes and accepts the food he makes then its settled. Thats like any other parent who sends food for their child. The MIL has no right to throw away good food. At least she should discuss or suggest alternatives sometimes. But since the child already eats what she is given at home..case closed. In the case of cutting them all off, Op should leave it like that for a bit until he makes his feelings known that the child is to eat what he brings there. Its his right...his child. Maybe at some point he should take the child back to see MIL but be sure to feed her 1st.
Maybe the MIL is angry because she never got a chance to know any of her now deceased daughters recipes, and since she is also grieving(and some people act out with anger towards the ones they love the most when they grieve) then what if that was just always something that the MIL always wanted to do with her daughter and now she thinks that she has lost that chance completely. But..since the dad knows all of the recipes, and the granddaughter clearly loves all of her family members and needs all her loved ones to be able to heal. Maybe a great way for the dad and the MIL to be able to come together again would be if the dad had like a few days free from work and had the in-laws come over to his house or have them go to the in-laws house(whatever is easier/best)..and the dad can have like a cooking day with the MIL, by showing her how/what all he does/cooks and the granddaughter can be their to "assist/taste test everything"
Load More Replies... So I'm probably gonna get hate for this, but It seems there's something few are taking into consideration... Dad is definitely NTA but I don't know if I can fully be against the MIL either. If I'm to understand, the loss of his wife was recent. Which MIL just lost her daughter and it would make sense that she's transferring that maternal loss onto her granddaughter instead. In turn, she's overbearing and over parenting where she shouldn't be. I'm not saying she was in the right by any means. What she did was wrong and definitely needs to be talked over and discouraged, but I wouldn't go as far as to say she's a sociopath or doesn't care about her grandchild. She's likely grieving herself and not thinking clearly. I can understand not letting her babysit anymore, but I don't think she should have visitation taken away entirely...
A response like this thread makes me angry to no end. Me and my sisters were treated terribly by my dad and grandmother during their grieving time. You and Ms. Carr's replies were the template they used to dismiss our emotional struggles. It was particularly terrible with my dad because it was our mom who died. His response was to treat the children she loved like garbage. The only time his family stepped in was when he tried to beat and choke my sister in front of them. For no reason other than being in a bad mood. Same with my grandma. "It's not her fault. She can't help it." It was one of the most emotionally scarring time in my life. Made worse by those who refuse to let us be upset. MIL has a husband and son as immediate family. The granddaughter only has her dad. As a "mature" adult with more mastery over her emotions than a child, yes, her struggles take a backseat. How does "maternal loss" translate to a scenario of spite? Because that's what this really is.
Load More Replies... My now 28 y.o. Daughter ate blueberry Nutrigrain bars and "hot tea" (warm milk) for breakfast for about...4 years I think. She was a very picky eater with a poor appetite and high energy. Skinny little thing. My pediatrician said not to worry, she will eat when she's hungry. And so she has. Anyway, the OP is definitely NTA.
People are always surprising me with the stupid things they do ! She should be so proud of you !
Would that woman have so much disrespect for her own daughter who passed to pull this on a child who deals with her passing by having her brand of comfort food? Kudos to Dad for learning how to make this stuff for his little girl. MIL definitely TA.
Some people are missing the point. This child is 6 years old and routine is so important in her development especially after the passing of her mother at such a young age. They barely understand the concept. The in laws appear to be forming a break a break in the relationship between their granddaughter & her father in her time of dealing the grief of the loss of her mother. This is definitely not about food. Especially when she is only eating snacks at the grandparents. It is about them seizing control of their daughter's daughter & putting s wedge between het & her father. This is not only inacceptable but if their is a sanction for grandparentsl rights, they could certainly loose them in this situation.
6 years old and no mum. So sad. I agree Granny is being a bully. She already lost her mom and now she's got someone who was supposed to love her being nasty to her? Bravo for Dad protecting his daughter. You'd think the mother-in-law will be a little more understanding. If food diversity is such a big deal then why can't the little girl enjoy the recipes from home with a side dish from Grandma added? One thing it doesn't make specific is how long it's been since the little girl lost her mom. If she's being picky just a few months after mom's passing who cares but if it's been going on for a couple of years then maybe there is a problem and counseling might help. Although I'd suggest counseling to get over what happened with the grandmother
Honestly, Grandma needs to see sense. Her program of getting the kid to eat what she wants obviously isn't working, and she needs to realize that maybe it's too soon and the kid is too young and too recently bereaved to have change forced on her. So IMHO both Dad and Grandma need to unbend a bit, Grandma needs to allow the kid some time to eat the things that remind her of her mother, and Dad needs to make sure his daughter has a relationship with her maternal relatives. Maybe just not at mealtime.
No, Dad is doing fine. Grandma is the one who needs to pull the stick out of her a$$. Her attitude is only going to cause the little girl to have worse food issues if she's allowed to babysit anymore. Dad shouldn't cut them off completely, just from the 3x per week childcare, and only allow them to see her when he is there, either at his house or theirs.
Load More Replies... Wife/Mother/Daughter is dead. This isn't about meals or snacks. This is about how each of you are coping with this terrible loss. You need the support and respid grandparents and the other family provide. Your daughter needs all the love from you and her extended family. Your mother-in-law is old-school and isn't accustomed to catering to a child's whims. And you knew this probably for the last 6 years. Take your daughter to her pediatrician to make sure she's healthy and since you seem to not know how to cook. And get grieving and parenting counseling. None of you are dealing with this appropriately.
The baby is grieving. And while I understand the in laws are too, throwing away good food so that the child eats their food is wrong on so many levels. Dad is beyond in justified to not allow her over there right now. You don't starve a child because they won't eat your food.
Wait, what? Isn't the food the mother in law is throwing away based on the cooking and therefore memories of her own daughter? This is so many levels of sick in the head by the mother in law. She is disrespecting the love and grief of her grand daughter toward her own daughter.
Wait - your DEAD WIFE'S recipes? So... her mother? What heartless, cruel and wasteful witch.
So the mil is throwing away her late dughters food and she justifies it by saying you're spoiling the child? B!@CH plz. Are you not still grieving for your daughter too, wheres the sympathy? Eat it with her and share memories of your daughter with your grand daughter. Did you not teach your late daughter how to cook to begin with?
My little daughter is a picky eater and that is NOT the way to do it. They will all eat more variety as they get older. Forcing never helps, especially since it's also trauma-related here. Also it's not the result of bad parenting, her older brother is and always has been a great eater. Kids are different.
I'm so confused. If it's his mother-in-law then it's his late wife's mother correct? Her own daughter is dead and this is how she helps a grieving 6 year old granddaughter? I mean there's zero empathy here and makes me wonder what the relationship between his wife and mother-in-law was like before she died.
I'm suspecting the late mom/daughter was a much better cook than her mother, and there's some jealousy in play.
Load More Replies... I worry a little deeper into it. Did mil have jealousy issues toward her daughter..The father needs paperwork on who cares for child if God forbid he became unable. Unless he does she might be given to these people.
I agree with all of these things! However, just playing devil's advocate, the grandmother just lost her daughter. She might be grieving for her daughter. That might be how she parented her daughter, and is quite possibly trying to get her daughter back through her granddaughter. That doesn't mean that this is okay, but the grandmother probably has very real grief too! (Which doesn't excuse her actions)
If dad is making homemade meals of the same type as his wife did AND he's expanding the menu every week or so, then the kid is getting her nutritional needs met. G'ma needs to STFU and STFD. She could always offer something IN ADDITION TO what dad sent. Let the kid do her thing.
Parents are responsible for their kids. If this dad sends food then the child should eat it This baby is 6 yrs old. No eating disorder that's just how some young kids are. Im a parent and my kid eats what i provide and i don't argue with anyone about my child. This dad is doing an excellent job.!!!
What perplexes me is she is throwing away food from recipes her own daughter used. Where did these recipes come from? A vacuum? I have NEVER met a good cook who did not include recipes taught to her by her own mother. Why throw away foods prepared the way her daughter prepared them in favor of ones the MIL is making herself? That just seems wasteful and petty.
Most American children live off of McDonald's. Her picky home cooked food is probably better anyhow.
I'm not even sure why this question would be asked. It is blatantly wrong for the MIL to throw away food that he put much time and effort into making. The trauma endured by OP and child are heartbreaking and that behavior is inexcusable. The only way I can see this relationship getting on the right track to being civil is if she apologized sincerely and said her actions were because it was too painful for her to be reminded of her daughter more than she already is by seeing her in the food. People respond to trauma and loss differently. Families even split over it, and she might have done it.
This seems a bit weird because if she's the mil then the man's wife was her daughter. So she must be grieving too. Maybe this is a strange way of dealing with her grief.
I do understand the opinion of the Mil but for the love of God, you can't just throw away perfectly decent meals and let your granddaughter eat only snacks! What kind of BS powerplay is that?
I agree with dad. MIL is way overstepping. However I don't know that taking away her grandparents is the answer. She doesn't need to lose more people that she probably loves. Try to work this out with your MIL even if they can only see here if it is for short periods where they come over or a meal is not involved. Also talked to the daughter and see how she feels.
I think you should allow the grand parents to see your daughter but only under your supervision. They cannot be trusted to feed her properly. Btw, the mil is really thinking it through. What she should have done is served the food you cooked but have a dish of her own that’s appealing and say “Would you like to try a spoonful of this? It was your mommy’s favorite when she was your age.” Gradually introduce new foods with no pressure.
Grandma isn't thinking clearly...she just lost her daughter. She's grieving too.
Load More Replies... I'd give it another try based on FILs promise and ask the kid whether they kept their promise or not.
You can't put the child in the middle like that, it's not fair at all. The grown ups need to act like adults and sort it out between themselves without priming a 6 year old for information. MIL needs to get a grip and be told what's what. Yes, she is grieving her daughter but she must know that what she's doing is wrong.
Load More Replies... You are definitely NTA. That being said, your MIL is probably still grieving the loss, too, and hasn’t acknowledged her pain and anger. People who feel like they have no power or control (she couldn’t prevent her daughter’s death), look for it elsewhere. Controlling what the granddaughter eats is her way of having control over anything connected to the daughter she lost.
Some kids have a food issue called "restrictive and avoidance food intake disorder " That means they physically will let themselves starve if not given "preferred foods". Sounds like these grandparents would clearly let that happen if not for snack food.
Although I agree the kid was spoiled in being allowed to control the menu, right after her mom's death is NOT The time to try & fix it! That horse is clearly out of the barn already & doing something drastic during such emotional upheaval is def an AH move. I think it's great the Dad went to so much trouble to keep some familiarity & comfort going for his daughter. She will remember this all her life, I'm willing to bet. He can tackle the food issues once things have settled down a bit. I don't think cutting the family off entirely is a good plan either however. This kid needs all the support she can get. Maybe just limiting it to one day a week to get his point across now that his sis had picked up the slack would be a good start ? Esp since FIL seems to get it & is willing to put MIL in her place
Had similar problem with my in-laws. No more babysitting for them!!!! Instead we made sure they had short visits. ( A couple hours) didn't totally break them off for the kids sake
Anybody who throws out food is the biggest entitled piece of absolute garbage on this earth and they can never be right about anything periodt. Rant over.
As a former mildly picky eater, I hate picky eaters. I agree with a comment further down in the thread, that baring physical or mental issues, picky eaters are not born, they are made. My son is a picky eater, and he ate everything under the sun until his father started seeing him. At his house they would only eat fast food, no one cooked. Pizza, chicken nuggets, mac n cheese, ect. And they started feeding himnthis when he was a year ½. Yo this day he will say he doesn't like something before he even tries it. It's been hard, but the father is no contact now, so I've been slowly trying to erase those bad habits. That being said, the OP would 200% be NTA if his daughter WASN'T a picky eater before her mom's passing, but she was. In knowing that, I give a firm ESH. MIL sucks for foodwaste, and yes, the daughter is grieving, but she sounds like a spoiled brat.
I'm sorry all of you are going through such a painful time. As a Grandma, a mother of a daughter, (I'm old school waste not want not) MIL your Granddaughter is the most precious gift your daughter could ever give, thank the God above your SIL is even trying to keep you in the child's life. To FIL good of you to try to make amends to this hurtful situation. This young girl has lost her mom , SIL lost his wife , FIL MIL lost a daughter please come together respect the loved one you lost strengthen this family bond. Everyone needs everyone's support and love. Perhaps FIL MIL can visit sister during lunch time share in the amazing recipes their daughter created. Many family recipes have been passed down we add our own twist to them. Perhaps sister can watch neice until lunch is over and FIL MIL can watch Granddaughter until SIL is off work. MIL I know you may be thinking you're helping as one MIL to another you are not. FAMILY FIRST.
Recovering from the lost of a loved one, Especially a Mother, is a difficult process. The process is different for everyone. I understand what the mother-n-law is saying. Which is a valid point. You can't do this forever.. But at the same time, you wean the process as opposed to abruptly diminishing it.
I am baffled by the MIL actions. That was HER daughter she lost! And this is the way she reacts?!?! And day in and day out throwing food away?!?! Why didn't she say something about the food from day 1? Food is expensive enough. Clearly doing things behind your back and wanting to run the show. Is the ulterior motive here to start running the granddaughters life as if she were her own because she lost her daughter? This woman is a sociopath or is grieving in a malicious manner. Dad put your foot down, set the rooms, and clearly state this is your child not hers. Sometimes you have to saying it bluntly for them to understand. I lost my husband a year ago with 4 kids. After almost a year I had to have the talk with the MIL and we actually have gotten closer since. Good luck and stand your ground.
Really?.all.the gungry kids in this world ...we can afford to be picky as we have choices...poor people rarely have choice. That being said she is six she does not decide whT she will eat..parents do. I give my daughter food if she doesn't eat it that is on her...when she gets hungry enough she would eat. But you all sound like sissies catering to a six year old lole she is your mother. Granted her mother died but life still goes on
I agree let the daughter eat as she wishes. The MIL could do activities with the child including teaching her to cook. With out guilt the child could enjoy the food from home. Then later the MIL could have a special little meal of what they cooked together as an activity. Let the little girl have her mothers food and special cooking and eating with MIL. Let her have the best of both these loving caring women in her life..
That's like throwing away perfectly good lunches a parent packed for their child to eat at school.theres no difference,if there is it'd just the in laws knowing the sentiment value of the act and felt like the daughter was getting spoiled when in reality she was just still getting fortunately what she always had,the mother passing and no more of her meals until her father started to provide again was the temporary problem.those grandparents r jerks and kudos to Dad for standing for what he believed in even if it cost him some free babysitters and not selling out🍎
She doesn't respect him as a parent, who knows what else she does he doesn't approve of. And all 6 years old are sort of picky eaters, it eventually will go away. If eating her mom's recipes comforts her and preparing the meals comforts the father what could possibly be wrong about it.
To remember a parent by making her mom’s recipes is a sign of love and caring. Tying to come to terms with loss varies from person to person. Mother in law should be ashamed of herself. I would only allow short visits, not a full day…that would be after trying to reason with MIL.
Having a picky eater myself as well as being a single parent I can definitely understand how you feel. You are absolutely right and your MIL is wrong. The key isn't to force the child to eat what she doesn't like but to find ways to introduce new things to her. For example, mine hates veggies with a passion including the basics (onions, tomatoes and bell peppers) . Of course that is typical for a child. If he sees anything that looks like a vegetable in his dish he will stop eating. So I will blend them to a puree and incorporate them in my dishes. Try to make simple dishes with simple seasonings. Also get her involved in choosing what she will eat. Sit with her and do a meal plan. Then have her help in the kitchen with small things. Soon you'll see she'll become more adventurous in what she eats. And don't let anyone tell you you are raising her wrong. You are doing an awesome job!!!
I’m confused about something. Isn’t it MIL’s daughter who passed away? Shouldn’t she be thrilled her daughter’s recipes are being kept alive…unless she has some weird competitiveness with her own (deceased) daughter. Gross.
While I do believe that was AH move by grandma, I think if dad steps back a sec to process maybe a different perspective. I'm assuming that MIL means this is his deceased wife's mother which means, 'her' daughter is the one that's dead... So maybe she's trying to deal with her grief as well. Although her method was irrational and incorrect, that very meal that I'm sure she knew her daughter made for her own child, could in fact be a grief trigger. So maybe, cooling off then attempting a conversation could remedy this. I would hate for a relationship rift to occur over what is possibly a misunderstanding.
Lol most children refuse to eat anything but chicken nuggets and shes spoiled for eating daddys healthy home cooking? Honestly it sounds like a great way for both of them to bond and cope over the death of a loved one, but some people will get jealous of anyone, even their dead children.....
You are trying to support your child in eating food that feels safe and comfortable for her after you have both been through a terrible, traumatic experience. Never, ever trust people who go behind your back, lie to you, criticize you and then complain about the consequences of that. If she's admitting to bullying your daughter like this, what else is she doing that you don't know about? Your daughter needs unconditional love and support and over time she will expand her diet, but now is not the time and MIL is sure as heck not the way.
He's being a great father by learning to cook his late wife's recipes for their daughter. Being able to eat those meals may make the child feel a connection to her late mother that helps ease her grief. Forcing picky eaters to eat different meals will probably backfire. If MIL wanted to help her grand daughter, she would let her eat the food she brings and offer her a tiny amount of something new once in a while. If the grand daughter refused the new food, MIL shouldn't make a big deal of it. I suspect most kids who are picky eaters outgrow it as long as other people don't turn it into a battle. If anything, MIL was making her grand daughter become stubborn about being a picky eater. Her father did the right thing by not having MIL take care of his daughter. behaandshwabullying and showed
It's interesting that MIL can't connect that her daughter's death had a profound effect on her daughter's daughter. Kids also don't have the same sense of taste we adults do. What we disliked as a kid may taste great later. The father, who lost his lover and friend is also missing her. I think he's doing a great job and is NTA. He's the first man his daughter will fall in love with and sets the bar for the man she chooses for her own.
This is about women and their recipes and nothing else... So possibly the daughter didn't make those recipes that she got her mother exactly the way her mommy used to do And now granny gets offended that her daughter's daughter won't touch her food but cant blame a dead daughter... Women and their recipes smh
You all baffle me. There's no way in the world my parents would ever over step their boundaries and tell my grandparents what they can and cannot feed me in their own home. Many of you forget that it takes a village to raise a child. Children are resilient. His daughter is not the first or the last to be a picky eater. Many of you are giving him false hope that he is doing the best thing for his child. He is setting himself and his child up for failure. He will need them before they need him. I hope they continue to be there to welcome him and their otherwise lovely grandchild with open arms. His sister is going to reach her breaking point, then what. What happens when he get sick or need to travel, will she just starve then? There's real problems in the world. Let the child grow up.
so, because "iT tAkeS a vILlAge To rAisE A chILD" Its ok to throw away food someone else made, whine that the child is hungry and won't eat, and then get angry at her dad after her mom died and she wants moms food?
Load More Replies... This behavior from the in laws seems like it's been closeted and only came to light once the wife died. If they are questioning his abilities to parent, I'm sure they questioned their daughter about his abilities to be a husband. Now that the daughter/wife is gone, their feelings for him have surfaced. These are the types of people that would take him to court for visitation, since they're already questioning his parenting skills. If the in laws are like this with food, imagine how they'll act if he gets remarried. He's in for a load of problems.
Normally I'd say the MIL has a point even tho I don't agree with her actions, she's overstepping. If you have a picky eater, you serve them what they should eat anyway. If they don't, that's their choice. Eventually they WILL eat what you serve them. Still he is the father and she has no right meddling, especially not throwing away already made food, that's really fakking dickish. This is a special case tho. There is trauma and sentimental value involved, I have no experience with this particular situation so I really don't know what to do with a picky eater in this situation. It's best to just leave it to the father. He knows the child better than anyone.
No they won't, no matter if they experienced a trauma or not. A picky eater will go hungry, or eventually sneak the things they want to eat. Then they end up with an eating disorder and all sorts of relationship issues. You feed the picky eater what they will eat, give opportunity and encouragement to try new things, give vitamins if they need them, demonstrate healthy eating habits and attitudes about food. Invite them to participate in cooking. The old 'if they get hungry enough they'll eat it" could be interpreted as "I'm willing to starve my children to make a point".
Load More Replies... But when she's not at home, and not with her dad, she can eat other things and become more resilient. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about having safe moments and bonding. But food should also be considered functional to not develop a strange relationship with it. When she's outside her home, she does not need comfort food accompanying her her whole life. I do also think that the grandparents should provide her with some of the foods she does love, but also take the opportunity of different surroundings to try new things. All these people seem like stubborn idiots only seeing one correct way. Dad is not doing what's best for his kid, grandparents aren't either.
The thing that's a little off about this story is why doesn't MIL or FIL know her daughters recipes, often times favorite recipes are passed down. And even if they aren't family recipes, they were those of their daughter. Why no sentimentality from MIL over something special to her daughter?
Yeah, I was also a picky eater in early childhood, though I started eating more things after 5-6 years of age, and by teenage, i usually ate most of the food my mother cooked, while my sister developed into a picky eater after I grew out of it, so it depends on children too. My sister isn't scared of any scolding 😂
Load More Replies... MIL is definitely the AH in this situation, but I would hesitate to not let the child see her grandmother any more at all. I would call her up, say we're coming over for an hour to visit - put the kettle on, and keep your visits short and sweet. Then the family can't grumble that grannie doesn't see her girl. Just make sure he isn't left alone there.
NTA, however....everyone seems to be ignoring the fact that the grandma is grieving too. She lost her daughter. No mother should ever outlive their child. She's probably acting irrationally out of her own grief. It's possible she's even being triggered by having her daughter's recipes in her home. The little girl is probably talking about how that's mommy's food. Dad is absolutely doing the right thing by making his wife's food for his daughter and meeting her where she is in her grief. Now is NOT the time to deal with her picky eating. She's just trying to survive. However, grandma's just trying to survive too, and I think that cutting off her access to her granddaughter might cause irreparable damage for this family. They've already lost enough. I'm sure there's a way to talk this through, though it may involve some family/grief therapy.
I agree with the MIL that the granddaughter should be fed a wider variety of food because exposure is what makes people comfortable broadening their culinary horizons and helps them to mature their palate. This can help make someone more cultured as well as improve their health throughout their life. However, it is very wasteful to throw out perfectly good food and goes against the parents wishes. I think they should come up with a compromise such as sending the daughter a smaller portion and saying she gets to eat her favorite food that her mom used make if she tries grandma's food first.
Yes, the daughter should eat more. However, now is not the time. Her whole world has been turned upside down by the loss of her mom. When a kid's world is a mess, they grab onto one thing they can control. Some revert in toilet training, or sleeping...this one is refusing to eat anything but her dead mom's food. It make sense, and it's good to let her have that control for a while as she processes her grief. She'll get past this stage when she's ready.
Load More Replies... I was an enormously picky eater as a child. To see me now, you would never believe it, because I eat or try (almost) anything. My mom was wonderful enough never to force me to eat things I hated, and made the things I should eat (like green vegetables) more palatable by putting apple sauce (something I loved) on them. My worst experiences were when I was "forced" to eat things (by others) I didn't want to eat. At a camp, I couldn't leave the table until I ate the plum that was part of the meal. I sat there for hours crying, and never tried a plum or canned fruit until decades later. Introducing foods to try as early in life as possible may help, but picky eating is challenging, and "forcing" rarely works.
It was traumatizing wasn't it?! I had the same thing with tuna fish, still can't get near it or anything similar. What point do or value do these adults think they are instilling? Adults are tyrants? Kids ownership over their own body excludes food and bathroom breaks? Crying will not be responded to with empathy and care from trusted adults?
Load More Replies... wtf that MIL is way out of line. As a mother of a VERY picky eater i understand his struggle all too well. Eventually your child will eat better but until then just do what works, what matters is they eat something/anything! To throw your lovingly made food out behind your back is sneaky as heck. I wouldn't let her sit kid anymore either
When my cousin was small she suffered from undiagnosed Anxiety Disorder and as a way to control her world she would only eat baccon and French fries. It took a long time a lot of love and support, and an eventual diagnosis of anxiety disorder, but now as an adult she eats a wide variety of foods. Let the poor baby be as long as she is healthy, who cares.
It's not about the food, it's about her connection to her mum that she's sadly lost. How the grandmother can't see that is beyond me.
She probably can't see past her own grief for her dead daughter.
Load More Replies... Besides it's not like she's only eating McDonald's only she only eats her mother recipes only it's understandable plus she is 5 years old and grieving that pain never goes away justook at me am 36 and I still have depression was diagnosed with it at 9 after my sister death and on top of other deaths in the family it's worst yeah I knew someone that only eats McDonald's nothing else everyday 3x a day for 22 years plus he was allowed to play 18+ games as soon as he was able to play video games as a toddler do to his mother didn't understand what game ratings was for so a 3 year old played jaws and Duke nekum he was what the definition of spoiled is
Why does this sound like something my own maternal grandmother would do? Oh yeah cause she has! (Not a dead love ones food but food in general) she's a bit of a narc. She kicked my slightly disabled aunt on the streets because she was getting married. Then bad mouthed the man even after he died of a heart attack! Then forced her to move in with her. Then forced her to move back to her own home and forced her to take her other sister and disabled niece in. My aunt had not really had a chance to grieve.
Your MIL is a control freak. You did the right thing. You should arrange two or three hour visitation with those grandparents just like once a month that is not during a mealtime but that's IT!!! They are not fit to care for a 6 year old.
This is his child, and grandparents do not have legal rights. The child is grieving and picky eating is rarely forever. I'd be a lot less nice if I were in this father's shoes, and MIL/FIL would be unable to reach me at all. How dare they try to dictate this child's grieving process, and if the child is getting proper nutrition, who cares if she eats the same few dishes all the time. Add onto that the father's grief over losing his wife, the struggles of being a single parent, and learning to cook. These grandparents are absolutely the A in this case.
Sounds like a good indicator of what is yet to come. Move away as far as you can and start a new life with your daughter from scratch. It sounds extreme but I think it will circumvent a major future problem not to mention the mental health for your daughter. Your mental health is important too.
Honestly, this sounds almost like an autism based reaction to grief. And MIL's interference would only go down the eating disorder road. Good on you OP for standing up for your daughter.
I believe the MIL is totally in the wrong here very wrong. I mean why didn't she talk to you about her concerns? And why make such a huge dramatic display for her granddaughter? Really not very mature of her and not very empathic to anyone . But I think maybe she has some unresolved ed anger from possibly her grief of losing her daughter? I wouldn't make it worse by cutting her off from her granddaughter. How is their relationship otherwise? If they have a good relationship otherwise it maybe in everyone's best interest not to further dramatize this and potentially traumatize anyone. What was the late wife's relationship with her parents like were there other issues about her acting like this about their parenting ? So many factors other than just this that need to be considered before one flys off the handle here taking some middle ground stance is usually qhats best nd teaches the child to be kind and tolerant but firm about things that are important right? Counseling may help
I do believe what the mother in law has done here from a parental standpoint is truly wicked and constitutes her losing unsupervised visits with the kid until she gets some therapy for sure but people forget she lost someone too and everyone deals with death very differently. Some people can become very toxic for a period of time. I don’t know what I would do if my daughter died regardless of age or how many kids you have. Final note she’s Grandma not Mother In Law and any parent with kids involved knows that and that it takes a village to raise a child not one. Keep your guard up don’t give up entirely on grandma she’s hurting too.
It seems to me she needs to realize she has a that she needed and wanted a d start a ting like a loving mother and grandmother. People will not allow shelfish person to act in such a way she needs to be banded. From the ones shs says she loves to stand up and grow up or stay away and stop. Causing more pain needy
I remember the episode of Leverage in which a man would always come to the bar, order chicken parm and send it back without eating any. He later revealed that his wife made chicken parm for him because it was his favorite and, after she passed away, he can't bring himself to eat it. So the crew got together to find him a new favorite dish cooking him everything on the menu. Maybe the daughter just needs a new favorite dish.
as a kid who had food trauma, please understand that a "picky eater" may have underlying problems. I just found out that I'm autistic, and confirmed my suspicions that I've always had "sensory processing disorder" (I'm an Avoider) and there are foods I *CANNOT* eat because of smell, taste, and texture. I'm frustrated that the in-laws are undermining your efforts to help your daughter, too.
We all know what an orphan is but how do you call someone that's lost a grandmother ?
He's NTA, nor does ESH. Not only is this grandmother completely out of line, and demonstrating that throwing away perfectly good food is a-okay, but these are her daughter's recipes! Was grandma like this when her daughter was alive? Did they have a strained relationship? (Wouldn't be surprised.) Why is she disrespecting her daughter and her memory in front of *her* only child? I want to know why, but it doesn't help the situation, and I want that poor little girl to hang onto whatever is giving her peace, even if it means no grandparents. I agree with dad taking her out of that woman's sphere of influence because if she's throwing away good food, she's most likely not at all healthy in their interactions, either.
If the father is the stand up father he says he is, then I wouldn't let them visit with her alone. It sounds like they have no respect for either the granddaughter or her dad. However, if he really wants to be a good guy/dad/SIL he might think about only allowing visits but only when dad or someone like his sister(?) is present and on times that are accommodating to the dads schedule. That way the little one doesn't lose more family, she is protected from being mistreated and from the sound of how the in laws are, most likely nothing would eat at the MIL more than being politely monitored. We can sometimes be blinded by what we think is right and no matter what kind of family it is. She will only see it as losing more family. I was an extremely picky eater and my mom was my world too. Now I eat a wide variety of foods. When I have to make life altering decisions for people I always try to imagine seeing it from the eyes of the person who's life is being altered first. Just my opinion
Both IL and father have something for them and against them. Let's look at a 6 year old. 6 year olds are always "picky". It's a phase. I was picky when I was 6. You were picky at 6. Every 6 yo is. And if you don't break through that they'll still be picky at 12 and picky as adults. Children have to learn to appreciate whatever they are given. In this case there is a grieving process also going on. Extra challenge. The food brings comfort. But it doesn't help in developing a wider taste range. I think the MIL is wrong to throw the food away and the dad hearing this from his own kid. Instead she should have just talked about it with the dad, and tell him he can cook the mother's recipes at other days in the week (because it is important for the grieving process) but as the child is with the in-laws will eat what the MIL prepares to develop wider taste. Let the child both grief AND develop. Neither should be hindered. Both dad and MIL are the assholes.
That was their daughter that died and this guy will not work with the in laws for a solution? That is wrong and cruel.Yes, the MIL was wrong but work something out like an adult. These commenters apparently are selfish jerks.
But he did, if you would stop speculating and actually look into the story completely. He said he would feed her first and then take her to the grandparents' house.
Load More Replies... He should have just stopped the visits and sorted himself out without iving feedback. It would have been easier and ensured they only see the chid when he's around to supervise the meals period. Sometimes we complicate parenting by inviting too many players into the picture. Kids need one person making decisions in the absence of two parents... Create boy diaries from them, reduce time spent with them and have a healthy environment with your child. God knows what else they're undoing.
This MIL is also grieving. She has lost her daughter and it sounds like she's trying to fill that loss by forging a bond with her granddaughter that feels special and unique to her. It's unhealthy grieving, to be sure, and she's absolutely in the wrong here. But it doesn't sound like she's cruel or a monster. Everybody here could benefit from some family therapy.
Exactly. Too few people are acknowledging grandma's grief here.
Load More Replies... in attempts to see the other point of view, The Mother in law just lost her Daughter and watching her Daughter eat her cooking could have been a loving memory she had with her daughter and thought seeing her Granddaughter ding the same could be a bonding and healing method for her, which could explain why she really is upset about the Father prepping food for her instead
It could also be painful for her to have her daughter's food in her house and have the granddaughter talking about mommy's recipes. Grief is weird.
Load More Replies... F**k em, I'd cut ties. When you've got a MIL like that they never change and it's not worth the hassle.
Kids with sensory challenges (issues) are NOT picky eaters! That has to be one of my biggest pet peeves about people who plainly don't understand kids with FASD, ADHD, ASD, Asperger's.
Idk what you mean. They absolutely can be picky eaters. My husband, as a child, would only eat rice and gravy for YEARS. He eventually grew out of it but if that is not picky idk what is. I have a coworker with a girl who would not eat anything, only drink. She is capable of eating food but she won't eat. They're considering putting a tube in. Is it just the term picky you don't like? Or, are you suggesting that these types of behaviors are not common for people on the spectrum?
Load More Replies... I'm so sorry for the loss and grief you and your daughter are going thru. 💔 You're doing the right thing by not leaving your daughter with the in law's. Your daughter needs love, support and compassion right now. You're a great dad for taking the time to learn to cook your wife's recipes for her. God Bless you both with strength and comfort!
Grandma is also grieving and needs just as much support, love, and compassion. She lost her daughter.
Load More Replies... Nta, but in the interest of peace I would give her another chance. She can offer the kid both options. She's only six, sooner or later she'll eat something else.
NTA. You don't owe them a GD thing. And who tf THROWS AWAY perfectly good food (instead of outright stealing it or just eating it themselves)?!?! Monsters, that's who.
If you're truly hungry, you'll eat what's presented. Part of enjoying life is enjoying all food, not just turning up your nose over an ingredient.
Spoken like someone with no experience caring for children.
Load More Replies... This is only about control. Both the child and the grandmother are dueling over control of the child's life. This started when her mother was alive. It has gotten worse since the Mom died. It will not get "better." If you want the child to eat, feed her what she will eat. If you want to make this a long term problem fight with her about it. It isn't worth the effort. As long as the kid is eating, let it go. Don't fight over WHAT she is eating. Just make sure she is eating.
Ah! I see we have someone in the crowd who knew the family personally!
Load More Replies... NTA. Mom died. Your daughter doesn't have mom anymore... this is very likely part of a process for grieving that your very young daughter is trying to figure out... MIL is being abusive. They probably both could benefit from counseling tho, as it sounds like MIL doesn't know how to cope, and is taking it out on you.... your daughter would benefit from counseling by quantifying her emotions and understanding them. It helps to vent to someone who isn't also traumatized by the same event (like a parent/spouse), bc children often don't want to add to a parent's suffering, and clam up rather than communicate... then you start to see behavioral manifestations commonly. Being picky is something that provides her control; MIL is adding to trauma.
Grandparents are the worst I should know mine messed me up I always been a picky eater and no things to them I can no longer enjoy foods I used to enjoy eating without wanting to puke after all the messed up stories they made up while I was earting said food l get physical ill and sick to my stomach if any foods has bones and skin still on it same candy makes me gag do to the lies they told me they told me gummy worms were made from the blood and guts of worms like what is used as fishing bait and which animals the food is made from they purposely made it wrong so it was nasty
Sorry, enough with this nonsense. Kids in poverty stricken, war-torn, natural disaster ravaged countries lose parents all the time. Who holds their hands while they process it. This is why kids are growing up unable to cope with life's problems. Stop mollycuddling children. Kids who face issues heads on become resilient adults. Leave her without food for 8 hours, trust me - she'll eat what the hell you put in front of her. Flipping nonsense.
So grandma should starve her granddaughter throw away and waste perfectly good food because starving children on the other side of the world don't have parents? makes perfect sense/s
Load More Replies... The father's first mistake was trying to program the in laws. Seriously, take a break and stop trying to control things you can't... or, keep trying to control things and give yourself fits when reality smacks you in the kisser.
No way, Jose. The in-laws were trying to reprogram something that was under control. They need the break, and the child's father gave it to them.
Load More Replies... As a non-neurotypical "picky eater" kid, I to this day (almost 30) through throw up food if it sets off one of my sensory issues (taste, smell, texture). I'm more adventurous and willing to try things now but it's still an issue and a lot of things I simply cannot eat. My parents were just like you, so I would literally never eat at home and only be able to eat at school. I was malnourished which led to height-stunting (I'm not even 5 feet tall). You are a dumpster fire of a person with no empathy.
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