“MIL Ignored My Wishes And Got My 3-Week-Old Sick And Now I’m Leaving My Husband”
Interview With Expert
Having a new baby in the family is a blessing. However, it is absolutely essential for everyone to respect the parents’ boundaries and take the child’s health into account! Though everyone might want to visit the infant and shower them with love, it’s important to wait so that they don’t fall ill. Ignoring this can put the child’s life at risk.
Redditor u/_Invader_Gir, who gave birth to her baby boy just mere weeks ago, turned to the r/TrueOffMyChest subreddit to share how her mother-in-law completely trampled her boundaries. The MIL showed up unannounced, kissed the baby, and now he’s fallen ill. You’ll find the full story as you read on. Bored Panda has reached out to the author via Reddit, and we’ll update the article as soon as we hear back from her.
Meanwhile, Bored Panda reached out to children’s safety and education advocate Jayneen Sanders, who was kind enough to shed some light on how parents can enforce healthy boundaries when it comes to visiting and having physical contact with their children. Sanders is also an elementary school teacher, mother of three, and the author of over 100 stories for children. You’ll find her insights below.
Extended family and friends shouldn’t visit newborns until they’re 2 to 3 months old and have a stronger immune system
Image credits: nd3000 (not the actual photo)
One mom opened up about how her mother-in-law completely disregarded her boundaries and got her 3-week-old baby ill
Image credits: Kristina Paukshtite (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Kampus Production (not the actual photo)
Image credits: _Invader_Gir
Clear boundaries are essential for healthy relationships
Let’s make a few things very clear right off the bat. Consent is incredibly important. Being mindful of other people’s boundaries is essential because it shows that you respect and care for them.
So when a new mom asks you not to visit her baby until she feels comfortable with it, the right thing to do is to accept this, respect her wishes, and wait.
Unfortunately, far from everyone understands these things that seem common sense to many people. For some folks, boundaries are ‘optional.’ They see their wants and needs as more important than everyone else’s. This may not be the best attitude to have in life.
Case in point, redditor u/_Invader_Gir’s mother-in-law said she understood everything and wouldn’t visit the baby until he was at least a couple of months old. She then completely disregarded her promise and staged a surprise visit.
Not only did she kiss the baby without consent (while also having a cold!), but she also invited over an entire group of people. Yes, everyone can’t wait to meet the munchkin. However, this is dangerous for the baby’s health and disrespectful to the mom. According to the OP, her son fell ill with a fever.
It’s not impossible for the family to move past this incident. However, it does mean that everyone will need to be more mindful of each others’ boundaries moving forward.
Furthermore, the mom should not feel like she has to accommodate other people’s wishes if they make her deeply uncomfortable or put her newborn at risk. This means that she will have to set very clear expectations and enforce consequences for people who ignore her boundaries from here on out.
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
Grownups need to understand that the child’s safety is paramount
Sanders, from Educate2Empower Publishing, aims to help keep children safe by teaching them age-appropriate and empowering prevention education. She was kind enough to answer our questions about how parents can establish and enforce boundaries when it comes to their children, no matter their age.
“Explain to the visitors that you are teaching your children body safety and consent education, which includes them having the right to decide how they greet people,” the children’s safety and education advocate said.
“Explain that, through teaching this education, your children have learned that everyone has a body boundary or personal space around their body, and people need to ask for hugs and kisses,” she told Bored Panda via email.
We asked Sanders whether there is a right way for someone to respond when a relative ignores the boundaries that they’ve set up and kisses the child without consent.
“Keep in mind our children are small and adults seem very big to them. So if someone is ignoring your child’s wishes and kisses or hugs them without consent, then you need to be that ‘warrior’ parent and say, for example, ‘Darby said she did not want a kiss, and I’d like you to honor her wishes, please,’” she gave an example.
“You can be polite and non-confrontational. However, by standing up for your child, they know you are on their side and will always be their ‘safe’ person,” she explained to Bored Panda.
“If you do offend a relative, it’s important to remember your child’s voice and their safety are far more important than offending a disrespectful adult.”
Image credits: Lisa Fotios (not the actual photo)
Adults need to be aware of hygiene procedures and not visit babies if they’re feeling unwell
This isn’t just about consent and boundaries, though. The issue lies in ignoring common sense and science, too.
Johns Hopkins University stresses the fact that parents ought to limit the number of visitors who come into close contact with their newborn.
Extended family and friends ought to wait two to three months until the baby’s immune system gets stronger.
“Newborns have not had time to develop their immune system, so they are at higher risk for developing infections from both bacteria and viruses. They are also more susceptible to developing serious infections, such as sepsis and meningitis.”
Taking this into account, many doctors consider newborns younger than three months old with a fever, where their temperature is higher than 100.4 degrees F (38 degrees C), to be an emergency.
Anyone visiting a newborn ought to make sure that they’ve washed their hands thoroughly and removed the jewelry from their hands. They should also refrain from kissing the baby or getting too close to their face to avoid spreading germs.
Naturally, if you’re feeling at all unwell, you should not be visiting anyone’s baby. Wait until you’ve gotten fully better.
Image credits: Polina Tankilevitch (not the actual photo)
The mom engaged with a lot of the people who read her story, in the comments
A few internet users were a bit skeptical about how the author reacted in the tense situation
The mom later clarified a few things and shared some additional important details
Some of the readers opened up about similar situations that they’ve been in. Here’s what they had to say
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Who the hell visits newborns with exhausted mothers in the first few weeks? I would go by invitation only. And wouldn't touch the baby without being sure I don't have any cold or flu. It's just rude, never mind the danger to the baby. Why do MIL's think they own her time?
People tend to refer to some mothers as Momma Bear or Tigress, not often in a flattering manner. This is what female mammals do - bears, lions, tigers, WOMEN! They have an inalienable right to defend and protect their young from all, any and every threat (real or perceived, the baby got sick - it was real) regardless of the source!
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Regardless if you think someone’s request is unreasonable (hers wasn’t) you should still respect it, especially when it comes to someone’s kid. MIL is pushy, husband is a mama’s boy and this will be a life long problem if she doesn’t get it under control now.
I might get downvoted for saying this, but don't people realize that it's super difficult to read stream-of-consciousness writing when it ALSO has no punctuation? Jebus. Also MIL and husband were TA here. Even if you take into account her hormonal imbalances (god i hate that phrase...) she was in the right for creating boundaries.
Who the hell visits newborns with exhausted mothers in the first few weeks? I would go by invitation only. And wouldn't touch the baby without being sure I don't have any cold or flu. It's just rude, never mind the danger to the baby. Why do MIL's think they own her time?
People tend to refer to some mothers as Momma Bear or Tigress, not often in a flattering manner. This is what female mammals do - bears, lions, tigers, WOMEN! They have an inalienable right to defend and protect their young from all, any and every threat (real or perceived, the baby got sick - it was real) regardless of the source!
Load More Replies... Regardless if you think someone’s request is unreasonable (hers wasn’t) you should still respect it, especially when it comes to someone’s kid. MIL is pushy, husband is a mama’s boy and this will be a life long problem if she doesn’t get it under control now.
I might get downvoted for saying this, but don't people realize that it's super difficult to read stream-of-consciousness writing when it ALSO has no punctuation? Jebus. Also MIL and husband were TA here. Even if you take into account her hormonal imbalances (god i hate that phrase...) she was in the right for creating boundaries.
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