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43 Heartbreaking Stories About Men Leaving Their Wives Just Because They Got Sick
Seeing your spouse become ill is an absolute nightmare. It’s terrifying to realize that they might not be around forever, and it can be frustrating to have to accept that their health is out of your control. Naturally, most people take this opportunity to do everything they can for their partner. Even if they can’t be healthy, they can at least feel loved and supported.
Unfortunately, however, it seems that some men crumble under the pressure of such a situation. Redditors have recently been discussing why men are statistically far more likely to abandon an ill spouse than women are, so we’ve gathered some of their responses below. We’ll warn you right now, pandas, that some of these stories are heartbreaking. But they’re great reminders to be incredibly careful about who you choose to marry.
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#1
Yep. Happened to me at 28. After being diagnosed with endometriosis, painful bladder syndrome, and after having a miscarriage, 5.5 years of marriage down the drain so he could leave for a woman 10 years younger than us that was healthy and "fun".
He actually had a really elaborate plan. He had signed up for several dating sites, and went on many dates in my car to make sure he found the "right person" right before the hysterectomy surgery date that he actually helped me pick out.
I've now been divorced for three years, and I haven't dated since and never will. My healthy friends always say, "Someone who really loves you wouldn't leave because you're sick", but I'm not willing to take a second risk to find out.
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#2
My grandmother got MS in her forties. My grandfather faithfully took care of her until he died from a heart attack. My mother has had mental health issues since her thirties and my father has been taken care of her ever since. They’re both in their seventies now. There are good men out there.
#3
Can confirm. My fiancée dumped me the day before I got my official cancer diagnosis. We knew it was coming, but it’s a process of “well this doesn’t look right, let’s do some scans” and then a biopsy, and then after that the doctor wants to see you in person instead of giving results over the phone. Good times, man.
Last I heard he’s been married and divorced a couple of times, whereas I kicked cancer’s a*s and am about to celebrate 9 years married to my actual best friend so I guess I win!
Everyone who’s gotten married felt comfortable vowing to stand by their partner “in sickness and in health,” but it turns out that many people didn’t really comprehend what that meant. If your partner is in a car accident and ends up disabled, you might have to be their caretaker. If your spouse gets cancer, you must be by their side.
Sadly, however, research has found that women are over six times more likely to be abandoned when they’re ill than men are. And the stories on this list make it clear that this is a common occurrence, not some rare phenomenon. As far as why this is, many people note that women are conditioned to stay by their partner no matter what. Whereas men cheat on their partners more, and clearly, some don’t take the commitment of marriage as seriously.
#4
My mom recently died from cancer. She was only 50 and was sick for a little over a year. Her boyfriend of over a decade stayed and cared for her with me until the end. He had no obligation to do so and was not included in her life insurance or anything (she wanted it all to go to me and my siblings). He's made it clear that he still wants to be a part of our lives. I know this is the opposite of your question, but that has been my experience. He's a good dude.
#5
My mom (69) was recently diagnosed with an aggressive, lethal brain cancer (GBM). My dad (75) wants to be by her side all the time. We get him out to go shooting or run errands for a few hours but he said, “I just want to take care of her. I just want her to be as happy and comfortable as possible.”
I know statistics and other people’s’ experiences, show otherwise, but there really are phenomenal men out there!!
My (37) own husband (43) has stood by my side through some severe bouts of depression. He is such a rock for me and our two kids. He’s also taken care of me at different times (ie, double reconstructive foot surgery, broken ribs) and is so involved with our kids’ lives. He honestly does more around the house than I do.
#6
Because men are taught that women are supposed to care for them, not the other way around. They feel they *deserve* a partner who puts their needs last. A man voluntarily taking care of their sick wife is a rarity. I’m very glad I’m a gay woman because of stuff like this. I definitely want an equal partnership, but of course I’ll care for my spouse if they need me. Because, y’know, that’s true love. Romance is only a small part of it, which is something a lot of men don’t seem to understand.
Vikki Stark, psychotherapist and author of Planet Heartbreak: Abandoned Wives Tell Their Stories, coined the term “Wife Abandonment Syndrome” to describe the experience of a man suddenly leaving his wife without ever telling her that he was unhappy. She explains that he often moves in with a girlfriend when this happens, leaving his wife confused and devastated.
While this doesn’t always happen because of an illness, of course, the idea that a man can simply throw away a seemingly happy marriage overnight is not new. “When women find my book and website, they feel profoundly relieved to know that there’s a definition for what happened to them,” Stark says. “They’re not crazy, and they are part of a community of other women who have experienced the same thing.”
#7
I’ve seen this happen. Three family friends’ husbands left them when they got cancer. Four wives stayed when their husbands got cancer. Two stayed when their husbands came down with ALS. Three others stayed when their husbands got Alzheimer’s or early onset dementia.
Only one woman I know of left her husband when he came down with Huntington’s. Coincidence or not, it was a marriage where she was the breadwinner and he stayed at home with the house and kids.
People who are used to being the one taken care of don’t adapt well when they suddenly have to be the caretaker.
#8
I saw this and whilst I'm not surprised, I am appauled. "Through sickness and in health", yeah right.
I always think about my own parents who divorced 20 years ago and it was not a pleasant divorce. It's not quite the same situation as leaving a spouse whilst ill, but the gender imbalance is really stark. 5 years ago my father underwent some surgery and he had no one to look after him afterwards whilst bedridden and for whatever reason my mother stepped up. My mother literally wiped his a*s and took him back to the hospital when he bled through his stitches, saving his life. I remember him saying how grateful he was, how important family was etc.
My mother has surgery 3 years ago actually to sort out a chronic pain situation. She was bedridden for about 8 weeks, and then not steady on her feet for another few months. And where's my father? Absolutely nowhere to be seen, out of the country by all accounts.
#9
There's a lot of research behind that happening, unfortunately. I can throw in ONE positive anecdote though. When my mom got sick with cancer 6 years ago, my dad didn't leave her. Her cancer is in remission and has been for years but the health problems she was left with means she can't work now, he still hasn't left her. So not ALL men will leave. But yeah, it's significantly more common for husbands to leave.
We hope it goes without saying, pandas, but just to be clear: we know that not all men are like this. There are wonderful husbands out there who would never abandon their spouse. And on the flip side, there are men who get left behind by their wives when they become ill too. But as the research has shown, this is a pattern among men. And it deserves to be brought to light. Keep upvoting the stories that touch you, and if you’d like to read another article from Bored Panda featuring similar stories, look no further than right here.
#10
I have worked in health care for the past few years and most recently long term care. It dosnt surprise me but it also dosnt discourage me entirely because I have seen extremely devoted husbands by their wives side when the wife was more ill or further in dementia than the husband. One thing I saw in long term care made me really think about what partnership is and what I want in it. There was a very old, frail woman who had dementia and had just declined a lot. She was in a geri-chair (like a recliner with wheels), she was on a puree diet, inconvenient, couldn't feed herself. She was very sweet, but to an outside observer she was just a shell of a human who drooled and needed lots of care and barely was conscious. Her husband was so so devoted to her. He was healthy and able bodied. I was in the dining room once and I heard the aid tell the woman i was talking about say "oh you better be careful eating those onions, your husband here might not want to kiss you after lunch" or something of that nature, in a teasing way. The husband was there and said "ohhh no no no, I dont care if she has eaten onions or garlic or whatever, I'll always want to kiss her." We live in a world that thinks old bodies are repulsive and shameful but here was this very old sick woman who had this man that still loved her as much as when she was able bodied and considered beautiful. It was so sweet.
#11
Women are socialized to do care work while men are socialized to have someone at home to do their care work (care for the house, for them, for the children, for their parents etc.) and not do it themselves so this wouldn't be surprising at all that women tend to stay if their partner needs them more than the other way around...
#12
So my dad got Lyme disease a few years ago and it was really affecting his arm. He thought he might never be able to play tennis again and he was acting like the god d**n world might spin off of its axis.
In 2019 my mom got diagnosed with uterine cancer and she was obviously freaking out about dying. My dad said, “If it were her, I’d be ready to go.”.
#13
Just look at all the men who leave their wives after breast cancer mastectomies.
Lots of men are trash and can’t be a decent person if they have to actually put in effort in my experience.
#14
I’ve seen it happen multiple times with my mum’s friends. The second she gets ill, the husband does a runner.
One in particular makes me sad beyond belief. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She declined fast. It was horrible to watch. They set up a bedroom in the living room as it was too hard for her to walk up the stairs. As she was lying there dying, he was bringing his new girlfriend round, walking through the living room (past his dying wife) and going upstairs for s*x. She had to listen to that countless times before she died. Heartless POS.
I’ve also read tons of studies in to this. There’s loads of statistic and evidence to back this all up.
#15
My sister was diagnosed with lymphoma in 2012.
Her bf of two years who moved in with her a little bit prior lasted a week before he dumped her and moved out.
My spouse was diagnosed with cancer in August, and the Dr said that about 65% of relationships don't survive a cancer diagnosis.
#16
I definitely have seen this! It makes my skin crawl and makes me irrationally angry. When I worked in a nursing home the husband's never visited the wives or if they did it was only for a social hour type thing whereas the wives would actively come in and assist in their spouses care wherever possible even if it was just to straighten his clothes or wash his face daily. The men just didn't do that stuff....
#17
I work in family court and I can tell you this is 100% true. So many divorces where a woman become chronically ill or was in a wreck and became incompetent. More likely than not they file had three cases where husband legit started f*****g the home health nurse and married her after . Men need women for survival. I’m d**d serious. They go from momma to wife.
#18
I've read some posts and heard tons of anecdotes from healthcare workers. It's demoralizing.
#19
Unfortunately it was very common at the nursing home I worked in. So many women who were just dumped there by their husbands who went off to live a new life. It was really depressing to witness.
#20
Absolutely believe this statistic is correct. My husband had a cerebral hemorrhage 12 years ago. I take care of everything, which is a huge change from the first 20 years of our marriage. Had the tables been turned, there is no doubt in my mind that he would have found a way to leave me or have me put into a home. I’m not upset about this, strange as that may sound! It’s just the way it is. I don’t think I would want him to take care of me because I don’t think he could.
#21
A husband is also more likely to cheat just after their wife gives birth. The more I hear about this the sadder it makes me. Women really do always have the worst end of all the sticks.
#22
I’ve seen it in my own small town recently. Mom had breast and brain cancer and the dad cheated on her with a mom from their kid’s baseball team. She was dragging herself to games with drains hanging from her neck and chest and he was sneaking out at night to s***w the neighbor while her friends took care of her, the house and the kids.
#24
I have rheumatoid arthritis and I get treatment with an infusion once a month. Before covid all the infusion patients and nurses were in a big suite together and would chat. One time a nurse and another patient and I were talking and the nurse told us about how many men leave their wives when they get sick with something like RA that isn't even fatal, but can be debilitating. She says she doesn't see that with her male patients and their wives. She said that all the nurses are well aware of this statistic and have seen the trend themselves.
#25
Seen this when my mother had hip replacement surgery and her husband visited her daily in the hospital and took care of her (and he did afterwards as well). The other women in the ward didn’t believe he was her husband and commented their own husbands were useless and were not helping them. One of them had just been broken up with after years of chronic illness.
#26
One of the reasons why I don't want to be in a relationship. I have a mental illness, and when I crash I can't get out of bed. I can't imagine needing help and dealing with abandonment.
This doesn't surprise me, men aren't raised as nurturers, but they should be.
#28
Ha! Yes. Mine did. He even matched the statistic in my Lupus book. It said that the spouse (usually male) will stay married after illness begins an average of 5 years. It was spot on.
We were together for almost 14, I got sick about 2 years before we got married. And yes, my illness was a factor in his decision. He wanted a person who didn't feel sick every day, made more money, and was just plain different than me (cough*the intern*cough).
#29
When I got breast cancer, my husband said “I didn’t sign up for this” and opened a Mathc.com account. Within 3 months of my first surgery, he was in a new relationship. I found out about 6 months after that and kicked him out. So, technically, he didn’t leave me. 🤣.
#30
When my mom got terminal brain cancer, her husband of 6 years decided to divorce her when she got progressively worse. She started becoming paralyzed on the right side of her body so went from walking by herself to using a walker. They lived on the second floor and despite what the social worker, doctors, and her family said, he refused to move to a first floor apartment.
My husband and I went apartment hunting and found an apartment almost exactly the same as theirs in the same complex, but on the first floor and he refused because of the money difference. My husband and I then offered to pay for the difference for a year to help with their transition to the new apartment. We also offered to pack their apartment and move it for them. He still refused saying "he doesn't like moving" as an excuse.
One day, he called my husband and I up and told us to come "pick up your mom, I don't want her anymore" as if she is some furniture to throw out. The reason he wanted to divorce my mom was because he didn't want to pay for her insurance or take care of her anymore.
While they were going through the divorce, he ordered a mail order bride and got married to someone half his age. My mom, unfortunately, was still in love with him and was heavily manipulated by him. Even before the divorce he convinced her not to take the life saving d***s because it would "make her fat" (playing on her insecurities) and he even tried to give her medicine that was his own concoction.
I started looking up information and found that women were almost eight times more likely to undergo separation or divorce after diagnosis than were men diagnosed with brain tumors.
#31
I stayed with my husband through chronic depression, avoidant personality syndrome, alcoholism and all the non-medical issues that they brought with them. He cheated on me because he found me unattractive after I became a mother.
So yeah, I'd say there is something to the statistic.
#32
My Aunt was a wonderful, loving person who did everything she could for my uncle. She got cancer and he found himself a new woman while she was in the hospital. When they sent her home because they couldn't do anything more for her he wanted this new woman to take care of her. That did not happen, my mom and sister did, but I just can't imagine dealing with that while you're dying.
#33
My grandmother left my grandfather when he was diagnosed with cancer. She still had three kids under 16 and threw out every picture she had of all 8 kids and her husband. My mom was the oldest so she took care of my grandfather and the 3 younger siblings even though she was newly married with a baby and saved as many pictures as she could.
#34
I don't know if anyone here watches the Real Housewives franchise but Yolanda Hadid (mom of Gigi and Bella) was on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills for a few seasons, during which she struggled a lot with Lyme disease. She was married to David Foster at the time and they divorced very quickly after her illness started to become a major issue in her life.
You could tell that he really didn't want to look after her while she was sick and that he was so used to her doing everything for him. It was as if once the tables were turned and it was time for him to look after her he just bolted. I know this may not be a perfect example but it's the first thing that came to my mind while reading the post!
#35
Happened to me! I became chronically ill about 8 years ago, and it turned him into a chronic a*****e. Didn't come to any rehab appointments with me (too much of a hassle with work), and fought me every step of the way on contributing more in the household (since I was literally physically falling apart). Me asking him to empty the dishwasher (I did everything else, incl groceries, cooking, rest of cleaning) led to so much resistance from him and annoyance at me being sick. Technically he didn't leave me, I got so fed up I dumped him, but he definitely checked out of the relationship once I got sick.
The man had the audacity to say "I don't know if I want to be with someone who's sick". So I told him "Well I'm sure I don't want to be with someone who says that" and ended the relationship.
#36
I have not had any one *leave* me because of a chronic illness, but I did end up leaving them for their treatment of me because of a chronic illness. Lots of guilt tripping, “As long as you’re better for ____” (as if I had control over my good days and bad days). Blaming me for using my illness as an excuse for getting out of things, pressuring me into s*x when I wasn’t feeling well.
Thankfully my fiancé is extremely understanding and compassionate, and does whatever he can to make me feel better!
#37
Yeah, saw that stat too and is anyone surprised? I mean, how many men leave or cheat on their partner when they are pregnant/just had a baby? It's s****y.
Women are expected to be caregivers. How many of us had mom's that were not just taking care of their kids and husband but also their elderly parents? Or now find themselves in that position? That's just what women do. How many women feel like if they get sick, their entire household will collapse? Who's going to cook/clean/take care of the kids/grocery shop? When men are faced with that many just say "nope." And they can do that because they're men.
I think it just further drives home the fact that you have to be really sure about who you marry and to first and foremost take care of yourself so you don't find yourself chronically ill or with a newborn and no finances or support.
Edit: On the bright side I have never personally seen this happen but I do know several men who took care of their sick wives for years and were always good to them. But again, just goes to further drive home that point of making sure you know who you are marrying.
#38
It makes total sense to me, given how men and women are socialized. And yes, in my experience, particularly in my extended family where there's a fair number of folks with chronic illness, of the couples who've stayed together, usually the women take care of the men more than vice versa, regardless of the health of each person.
I'm a chronically ill woman married to a nonbinary person who is very good at taking care of me, and I feel very lucky.
#39
Anecdotally, when my mom got sick my dad took over the household duties, cooking, took care of three girls, while taking care of my mom. But I know that's not the norm at all. Men take the vow "in sickness and health" but seem to forget that when their wife gets sick. Not sure why they can't handle the stress of being a caretaker, they expect the wife to always take care of them I guess. Same with when parents get old and need help, the daughters are usually left with the responsibility.
#40
When I've dated men in the past and I was sick they got mad at me and yelled at me. They were used to me doing everything around the house and being their caregiver and emotional support and felt betrayed when I simply stopped, not to mention asked them for help. I don't think they were being mean on purpose, I think they just couldn't handle it and anger is the easiest emotion to fall back on.
When I've dated women they go out of their way to support me and help without me asking. They also pressure me into seeing a doctor and staying healthy, whereas the men often refused to drive me to the hospital when I got sick because they didn't feel like it, or dragged their feet for a half hour while I was bleeding out because they needed to find a good book to read while in the waiting room at the ER.
Sure not all men and not all women, but in my experience 100% of each, except one girlfriend who went to a party when I was sick and f****d my best friend.
#41
I have an uplifting anecdote about this actually, hope it's allowed. My mother was diagnosed with dementia. My father, during the last few years of her life, was more caring towards her than I'd ever seen him be in my almost 40 yrs on this earth. Also, when my younger brother's wife was diagnosed with cancer and his response was to go half way across the country and abandon her, my father let him know EXACTLY how disappointed and ashamed of my brother he was. Saying "that's not what men and husband's are supposed to do. It's not right." I think the statistic is correct, but it was nice to see my, normally a*****e, father go against it.
#42
I am chronically ill, it is a constant part of our lives. My husband is amazing and does anything he can to help. It shocked me when i joined an online group about my illness and seen so so so many women say their husbands did not care less about their illness and gave zero support. Horrific to think of any s*x person leaving an ill partner. Heartbreaking!
#43
I was just talking about this with a random girl on Instagram. We agreed that we both think it all boils down to how we humans are all raising boys. Toxic masculinity I think she said. Things are and have been progressing for women but women are still expected to do most of the house work, handle all the family emotional stress, do the care giving, etc. Even if they're fighting cancer or just had surgery, a lot of men just don't know/understand how to be there when the tables turn. I'll never forget my mom crying after having just had surgery days prior and my dad wanted her to go downstairs and get him something because he didn't want to get it himself.
I love my parents but seeing their marriage, and hearing my married friends tell me their stories about their husbands, I'm honestly good being single and if I never find a partner, I'll be alright. Too many women throw themselves into a marriage for the idea of the wedding and don't realize they'll have kids (if they decide to have kids) to take care of as well as a grown man. (Do I really need to say not all men of course??) Men tend to benefit the most from a marriage and that needs to change. But it won't be changing from today to tomorrow as these things are too ingrained in society.
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Kristiina Männiste 2 hours ago (edited)
Recently our radio brought a news snippet on someone (I guess male) was complaning of "all that self discovery" and "yoga camps" people (I gues they meant women) do instead of devoting themselves to the family as they should, because "true happiness is someone bringing you a cup of chamomille tea when you grow old together". My dad was next to me at that moment and I asked him, if he had ever bought mom a cup of chamomille tea when she was sick, in their 44 years of marriage. He got super pissed at me. You guessed right, he never has brought her a cup of tea or anything else.
Kristiina Männiste 1 hour ago
So you married ladies better go to that yoga camp and better do all the self discovering you need, cause that cup of chamomille tea might not be coming either way.
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Rose the Cook 4 hours ago
At one time I worked with a woman who had terminal cancer. I was asked by management to give her some of my shifts because quote, " She needs to pay for her husband's new mail order wife before she dies."
Boo 2 hours ago
Normally, I would upvote your comment, but dayyyyum...I hope your ex-collegue refused to pay.
Load More Replies... Kristiina Männiste 2 hours ago (edited)
Recently our radio brought a news snippet on someone (I guess male) was complaning of "all that self discovery" and "yoga camps" people (I gues they meant women) do instead of devoting themselves to the family as they should, because "true happiness is someone bringing you a cup of chamomille tea when you grow old together". My dad was next to me at that moment and I asked him, if he had ever bought mom a cup of chamomille tea when she was sick, in their 44 years of marriage. He got super pissed at me. You guessed right, he never has brought her a cup of tea or anything else.
Kristiina Männiste 1 hour ago
So you married ladies better go to that yoga camp and better do all the self discovering you need, cause that cup of chamomille tea might not be coming either way.
Load More Replies... Rose the Cook 4 hours ago
At one time I worked with a woman who had terminal cancer. I was asked by management to give her some of my shifts because quote, " She needs to pay for her husband's new mail order wife before she dies."
Boo 2 hours ago
Normally, I would upvote your comment, but dayyyyum...I hope your ex-collegue refused to pay.
Load More Replies...
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