Wife’s Ridiculously-Detailed Shopping List For Husband Goes Viral, Starts A Discussion On Male Incompetence
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Recently, husband & wife TikTok account Adam x Melinda uploaded a few videos that have sparked a heated debate on the internet.
The clips show Melinda writing out a grocery list that not only named the items she wanted her husband to pick up at the store, but included the prices and a picture of what each item looks like so that Adam wouldn’t get confused. She also hand-drew a map of the store itself, marking the products’ exact locations.
The original video has racked up over 21.2 million views and 2.4 million likes
@adamxmelindaWho found us from this video? 🤣 #marriedlife #couplecomedy #couples #marriedlifehumor #husbandandwife #couple #tutorials #foryou♬ Oh No – Kreepa
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These videos perfectly illustrate what many of us already intuitively know. While more than half of married couples in the United States claim that sharing household chores is “very important” for a successful marriage, when it comes to grocery shopping and cooking, women say they’re the ones usually doing the work.
For instance, in U.S. households consisting of married or cohabiting parents and one or more children under the age of 18, 80% of mothers say they are the ones who usually prepare the meals – the same as the share who say they are the primary grocery shopper, according to a Pew Research Center analysis. Some 71% of moms say they primarily handle both chores.
A few days later, Adam x Melinda released a follow-up
Image credits: adamxmelinda
Around two-in-ten fathers in the same type of household say they are the person who usually prepares the meals (19%) or grocery shops (20%). About one-in-ten (11%) say they normally do both tasks.
However, dads are about twice as likely as moms to say these chores are split equally: 20% of dads say they cook as much as their partner, compared with 10% of moms. The pattern for grocery shopping is very similar: 23% vs. 11%.
Even though Melinda reassured people that the whole thing was a joke
Image credits: adamxmelinda
It’s worth mentioning that over the last 50 years, American women (particularly mothers) have increased the amount of time they spend in paid work, and men (especially fathers) have taken on more obligations at home.
Still, on average, U.S. women spend fewer hours in paid work than men, which might partially explain the gender imbalance in time spent on food prep and grocery shopping.
It has resulted in a discussion on “performative incompetence”
@notwildlin#stitch with @adamxmelinda this is kind of a ramble but hold it♬ original sound – NotWildlin
With the most notable contribution coming from user NotWildlin
Image credits: notwildlin
Here’s what other people said
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Needing to list the aisle numbers and stuff is a bit excessive, however, for certain things, I will send pictures of what I want to whoever is doing the shopping because many things come in different brands, sizes, types, etc. It can be confusing and it's hard to memorize everyone's personal preferences, especially if it's not a weekly purchase.
That's a good point, especially if its something they're not used to buying
Yeah I've done that when I want a certain brand
Agreed. I mean not for everything, but some very specific requests, pictures are helpful.
Why all the hate on men? Women do this too! My sisters used to purposely burn food so they would never be asked to cook again. In my marriage I do most of the cooking and if I sent my wife out to shop I would guarantee she would come back with none of the ingredients I put on the list because she couldn’t find them however if I was to do this I would be controlling and demeaning her. No one gives a s**t that I have to go back out to the shops to buy all the thing that were on the list in the first place.
So it's shitty and manipulative people in general. That's fine.
I've already replied to the first comment when I noticed yours. When one of the partners takes the responsibility of cooking or shopping or both, this could be the result. I've never been mean or controlling towards my boyfriend as a result of buying the wrong ingredients for something (or in general, at least I am trying not to be a s****y partner and a person). We are both fully functional adults with jobs and no diagnosed disorders except ADHD, but he genuinely thought that this could be a perfect idea if I ever asked him to go shopping. Of course there could be some people who are exactly what you described or just petty, but I don't believe it's majority.
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Don't be such a pessimist, both of ya'll. It's incompetence, not malicious intent. If sis said she did that, it's probably just in a joking matter because it's pretty stupid if you can't get your mind to make a simple dinner because you suck at it. That's hard to admit and to keep a marriage going you come up with a gag and all is fine. And not coming home with the right ingredients, next time make a list of what you need or just order your groceries online. Shopping in a grocery store is a hell on your senses and very very distracting without a plan.
Yes. Not exclusively men. I grew up with a manipulative sister that did similar things. So I learned at a young age that I was absolutely unwilling to tolerate that in a partner. Over the years, a few tried. I just explained that if tasks like cleaning a bathroom or running a vacuum were simply beyond them, then they are telling me that they are incapable of doing things that I have done since I was 7 and I don't date 7 year olds. Don't expect me to respect you as an equal if you can't manage the vacuum cleaner. Never learned how? No problem. I will teach you and then you will be able to do it on your own. Regularly. like a contributing adult in the household. Society reinforces this stereotype of men as big babies and somehow women feel flattered that they're the masters of work a child can usually do. I don't get it. It hurts all of us. Women pile more work on themselves and wonder why their relationship sucks when they have a constant low level of disrespect for their male partner.
The point of performative incompetence isn't about men, it's about the patriarchy, which is different. The patriarchy used performative incompetence to hold women back and oppress them. Women must care for children, because men can't. Women must clean the home, because men can't. Women must answer phones, greet guests, and do all the service work because men just can't. It is a lie the patriarchy built into our society, one which still shows itself in our workforce today.
Thank you for putting the comment that *actually* explains the point of this. I haven't gotten through all the comments yet, but it seems so far you're the only one that got it.
An apparently you can get away with jokes like that who portray men as the incompetent gender. Yeah, great patriarchy, thanks!
Yeah my partner's mom does this. She'll ask if you need anything from the store, you'll say, 'I need tinned tomatoes for pasta, x brand only please' and she'll just buy pasta sauce cuz 'its the same thing' -- except it isn't. So basically you stop asking her to get stuff you need.
When I showed this to my boyfriend, he said, with a serious face, that this is exactly what he needs if I ever send him shopping again. Don't worry, I am 100% on your side on this, this doesn't have to do anything with gender. If one partner takes the responsibility of shopping or cooking or both, this is the result.
I work in retail so i'm kind of lucky. I can get in and out of any large supermarket in my city, within 20 minutes, with everything we need for a week, or a suitable replacement if they're OOS. My wife on the other hand, takes longer to write the list than this, doesn't order it in order of the store layout and I'm on the verge sending out a search party for her by the time she gets home.....with 50 bucks worth of c**p that wasn't on the list. I guess, when you're the one who is used to the environment, you get it done more efficiently. Doesn't matter if you're the man or the woman.
Yup. And I think some men just don't want to do it because when they do get something wrong they get a hard time about it. If the person sending them shopping isn't willing to have a couple of different brands, then yes, just do it yourself and don't complain about it. This is also a two-way street. I won't do some tasks around home because he'll complain about how I do it.
My SIL did that, she burnt two kitchens. It as always the MIL who had to cook. She didn't like it when her kids came our place and they would woof everything down. She also tricked her husband into having a third child so she didn't have to go back to work.
So what I understood 30 years ago was this is not called performative incompetence but CREATIVE INCOMPETENCE and I have had co-workers, all men, who do this to avoid work they don't want at a paying job. I understand they used it elsewhere as well. None of those who employed this technique were invested in the work, everyone was proud of the avoidance of work even though it still had to be done and it was important work. It is usually men because boys incidentally figure this out as they are assigned chores and tired parents realize gosh, it is so much easier to do this myself - he does everything else he's supposed to. Girls are not usually allowed to do this, or they simply hide it and don't brag (same way women typically get away with crimes because they don't talk).
Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Rodrick Rules. Rule Number 1: Don't be good at something that you don't want to do.
Needing to list the aisle numbers and stuff is a bit excessive, however, for certain things, I will send pictures of what I want to whoever is doing the shopping because many things come in different brands, sizes, types, etc. It can be confusing and it's hard to memorize everyone's personal preferences, especially if it's not a weekly purchase.
That's a good point, especially if its something they're not used to buying
Yeah I've done that when I want a certain brand
Agreed. I mean not for everything, but some very specific requests, pictures are helpful.
Why all the hate on men? Women do this too! My sisters used to purposely burn food so they would never be asked to cook again. In my marriage I do most of the cooking and if I sent my wife out to shop I would guarantee she would come back with none of the ingredients I put on the list because she couldn’t find them however if I was to do this I would be controlling and demeaning her. No one gives a s**t that I have to go back out to the shops to buy all the thing that were on the list in the first place.
So it's shitty and manipulative people in general. That's fine.
I've already replied to the first comment when I noticed yours. When one of the partners takes the responsibility of cooking or shopping or both, this could be the result. I've never been mean or controlling towards my boyfriend as a result of buying the wrong ingredients for something (or in general, at least I am trying not to be a s****y partner and a person). We are both fully functional adults with jobs and no diagnosed disorders except ADHD, but he genuinely thought that this could be a perfect idea if I ever asked him to go shopping. Of course there could be some people who are exactly what you described or just petty, but I don't believe it's majority.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Don't be such a pessimist, both of ya'll. It's incompetence, not malicious intent. If sis said she did that, it's probably just in a joking matter because it's pretty stupid if you can't get your mind to make a simple dinner because you suck at it. That's hard to admit and to keep a marriage going you come up with a gag and all is fine. And not coming home with the right ingredients, next time make a list of what you need or just order your groceries online. Shopping in a grocery store is a hell on your senses and very very distracting without a plan.
Yes. Not exclusively men. I grew up with a manipulative sister that did similar things. So I learned at a young age that I was absolutely unwilling to tolerate that in a partner. Over the years, a few tried. I just explained that if tasks like cleaning a bathroom or running a vacuum were simply beyond them, then they are telling me that they are incapable of doing things that I have done since I was 7 and I don't date 7 year olds. Don't expect me to respect you as an equal if you can't manage the vacuum cleaner. Never learned how? No problem. I will teach you and then you will be able to do it on your own. Regularly. like a contributing adult in the household. Society reinforces this stereotype of men as big babies and somehow women feel flattered that they're the masters of work a child can usually do. I don't get it. It hurts all of us. Women pile more work on themselves and wonder why their relationship sucks when they have a constant low level of disrespect for their male partner.
The point of performative incompetence isn't about men, it's about the patriarchy, which is different. The patriarchy used performative incompetence to hold women back and oppress them. Women must care for children, because men can't. Women must clean the home, because men can't. Women must answer phones, greet guests, and do all the service work because men just can't. It is a lie the patriarchy built into our society, one which still shows itself in our workforce today.
Thank you for putting the comment that *actually* explains the point of this. I haven't gotten through all the comments yet, but it seems so far you're the only one that got it.
An apparently you can get away with jokes like that who portray men as the incompetent gender. Yeah, great patriarchy, thanks!
Yeah my partner's mom does this. She'll ask if you need anything from the store, you'll say, 'I need tinned tomatoes for pasta, x brand only please' and she'll just buy pasta sauce cuz 'its the same thing' -- except it isn't. So basically you stop asking her to get stuff you need.
When I showed this to my boyfriend, he said, with a serious face, that this is exactly what he needs if I ever send him shopping again. Don't worry, I am 100% on your side on this, this doesn't have to do anything with gender. If one partner takes the responsibility of shopping or cooking or both, this is the result.
I work in retail so i'm kind of lucky. I can get in and out of any large supermarket in my city, within 20 minutes, with everything we need for a week, or a suitable replacement if they're OOS. My wife on the other hand, takes longer to write the list than this, doesn't order it in order of the store layout and I'm on the verge sending out a search party for her by the time she gets home.....with 50 bucks worth of c**p that wasn't on the list. I guess, when you're the one who is used to the environment, you get it done more efficiently. Doesn't matter if you're the man or the woman.
Yup. And I think some men just don't want to do it because when they do get something wrong they get a hard time about it. If the person sending them shopping isn't willing to have a couple of different brands, then yes, just do it yourself and don't complain about it. This is also a two-way street. I won't do some tasks around home because he'll complain about how I do it.
My SIL did that, she burnt two kitchens. It as always the MIL who had to cook. She didn't like it when her kids came our place and they would woof everything down. She also tricked her husband into having a third child so she didn't have to go back to work.
So what I understood 30 years ago was this is not called performative incompetence but CREATIVE INCOMPETENCE and I have had co-workers, all men, who do this to avoid work they don't want at a paying job. I understand they used it elsewhere as well. None of those who employed this technique were invested in the work, everyone was proud of the avoidance of work even though it still had to be done and it was important work. It is usually men because boys incidentally figure this out as they are assigned chores and tired parents realize gosh, it is so much easier to do this myself - he does everything else he's supposed to. Girls are not usually allowed to do this, or they simply hide it and don't brag (same way women typically get away with crimes because they don't talk).
Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Rodrick Rules. Rule Number 1: Don't be good at something that you don't want to do.