Wife Is Furious After Husband Says He Only Wants To Adopt One Of Her Two Children, But The Internet Supports Him

The wife is the a*****e here using the young daughter to try and manipulate her husband into adopting both kids when the older one is clearly not interested. Sounds like it’s more about the wife’s fantasy vision of her perfect family than genuinely what’s best for them as a family

I've known quite a lot of teenagers who treat their parents this way. It's up to the parent to make it clear that they love the kid unconditionally and are always there for them. No matter how many times you get rejected, you offer, but you don't take it personally if the kid wants their space. My guess is that the son is very afraid of rejection. That said: the son is old enough to be part of this conversation. Let him chose what he wants to do.

I mean, let's be real. Teenagers are moody. I definitely was at that age. I didn't even want to spend time with my biological parents. I was way more interested in girls and video games. But part of that moodiness is also just wanting to be heard. He may get upset that he was asked. That's what teenagers do. He'll get over that. But not being asked is something he probably won't get over. It'll send the message that you don't care about his opinion and that's something he'll remember.

This mom is confusing equal with fair. The daughter has asked and should be heard and respected (assuming there aren't other reasons it shouldn't happen). The son should be asked and respected as well.

Two words: family therapy. There is so much to unpack here. A teen boy who is giving off all the signs of a kid who needs help but doesn't know how to ask, with behavior being woefully misinterpreted by a step dad who feels rejected. Mom doesn't have any insight and has imposed an arbitrary rule that isn't helping. A daughter whose wishes are being cast aside. Get help. Dig deeper. It's not too late for some effective solutions.

Kid is probably still hoping for bio dad to be a real dad. Otherwise, he is just being a normal teenage boy dealing with how to handle life. Best thing to do is to sit him down, tell him everything (without mom there) and ask outright if he does want to be adopted. Kid is worried that step dad is just doing it because mom wants it to happen. Just tell him you're willing but still want to support him in everything he does whether it happens or not.

I think 15-ish teens are actually asked directly in court if they want to be adopted by the step parent, I think it's the same with the splitting in divorce. Give him the option and adopt Becky regardless, since she grew from a very young age with OP as her father When my dad entered the picture, my half brother was also 9-10. Unsure how the legal agreement was worked out, but he had two father figures in his life, me and my sister came along, he lived with us as his bio dad lived kind of far away. He is now 30, lives closer (not with, but at least close enough to visit him more often) to his bio dad and his other set of younger half siblings, yet his relationship is still the same with my dad. Both families are friendly and we sometimes hang out all the kids together :) (30M - 20F - 17F - 16M - 13F. He is the oldest, 2&3 are me and my sis, 4&5 his other set of halfs). He was never a "dadless" kid, he technically had two dads and no pressure, he just wanted both in his life

I definitely agree that the 15yo needs to be asked. I've met kids in similar situations through work and most of them just want to be asked and heard. If step-dad doesn't talk with the teenager about it he is sort of the AH because he's deciding out of his own feelings towards the kids and that can be really hurtful. I mean when they met the daughter was 3, that's young enough to form a closer bond compared to a 10yr old - obviously. So you got to look at that perspective. Shouldn't mean the teenager should automatically be excluded from even getting the question. But if he says no I see nothing wrong with adopting the 8yo. You can explain this to a 8yo in a way they will understand so it's not the daughter that would feel weird about it - it's moms issues in that case.

NTA. Def. talk to him about it. That absolves you of the being unfair part. He might surprise you, and maybe not. Assure him you wont treat him any differently than you do now. If you force an adoption there are things he can and might do that can absolutely ruin your life. If he gets mad all he has to do assert to a mandatory reporter that you molested him. The truth does not matter one iota. As long as he sticks to his story they will 100% believe him and You, your wife and Becky will face the worst nightmare you can imagine! It could cost you everything!

Don't ask if he wants it; offer to do it. This might help him see you are genuinely interested in being his dad, and might change his attitude. Also, it might take a while, but he might say no now, but yes later. But only if you tell him you would like to adopt him, not ask him if he wants it. And for goodness sakes, make sure he has no inkling your wife has made it a condition of your adopting your daughter. And BTW, WITA.

I always respected my parents because they always told me the truth, it doesn't mean they cared about my input because I was a kid. I think they need to sit together all 4, the dad needs to say the girl wants to be adopted and he'll do it. Then ask the boy if he wants that also and the mom needs to tell the girl why she'll not allow that to happen. She needs to be responsible for her decision because it's not the dads fault. She's trying to believe she has a family that she doesn't. My way or no way

It wouldn't surprise me if the wife manipulated the daughter to ask OP to adopt her. As if she is planning this.

My husband adopted my oldest son as his deceased father oked it before he died. My other 2 their dad refused so we waited for them to become adults and they were then adopted and names changed. It should be individually. My husband and I went on to have 7 more children. All ten are siblings and feel that way.

He should make his wife tell Becky why he can't be her dad.

Hmm.. Mum is thinking of leaving dad, but wants child support... That's my take on it.

He has known the son since he was 10! Its not like they just met. He should be willing to ask James to adopt him. He is thinking too much about his own feelings and not the real situation. As a family unit it should be all or none. It would feel like splitting up your children. 15 is still very young. Even if the kid doesn’t like him there are a lot of teens who don’t like their parents! So what?! Step up. The fact he so quickly said he didn’t want to says something to me. It’s not like the son actually has a dad around already. James may be moody and depressed because of his feelings of rejection from his biological father! Its so sad that he hasn’t seen him in years. I can’t imagine being abandoned by a parent especially when he is already that old. can’t believe some of these answers. It would definitely be wrong if he doesn’t offer to adopt both. Family units should stay together.

The fact that his biological father was a part of his life for the first 10 years and then all of a sudden went away may be making the 15 YO son hesitant to get close to any man who may disappear after he opens his heart up again. This kid has been hurt and he's totally closed off from the trauma surrounding having a relationship with his father and then his leaving. The son needs counseling to get over this major hurt in his life as he won't be successful in any future relationships if he doesn't. He needs to learn that not every man will do this to him and he has to learn to trust again. He's keeping his distance to protect himself!

What happens if he does adopt one or both kids, then the wife decides to divorce shortly after. Now he's legally and financially responsible for the adopted kids. If he doesn't adopt and if she leaves, then he's not on the hook. I feel bad for the girl, because none of this is fair to her.

I think this boy has put up his defensive nature, he probably things you'll do the same as his dad. Apart from normal teenage anxiety behaviour he is putting up barriers of self protection. If you adopt him and just say, we'll you'll always be my son. Just be there for him when he's ready and in need, by adopting him, your proving your commitment. He's trying not to get hurt. Self preservation, I know,it was me along time ago. Hurt before you get hurt.

Definitely NTA here. I believe OP's motives are good....BUT I would suggest waitin until the son is 18. I'm a stepmum twice over & I'm wonderin if the children's bio father is in the picture. And if OP is absolutely certain his stepson doesn't like him. Tweens & teens can be notoriously awkward, emotionally inexperienced, & painfully self-conscious. I'd let him know your plans & then give him room to process the situation. State your feelings/ opinions ONCE ( don't harp, ) & don't force this. Step parents are often damned if they do & damned if they don't. If it was me, I'd wait til the boy is 18.

A 15 year olds actions rarely match with his feelings. If the wife has dropped this ultimatum on him, the stepson may have always assumed the attempts to include him were also being done just to pacify mom. Or he's afraid you are going to just leave like his real dad did. A conversation with the son is necessary, but it needs to express the sincere desire to adopt him, not that's it's a convenient afterthought. And anything less than a resounding "hell no!" should be taken as him being open to the idea but afraid to admit it.

The older son had time with his biological Dad, that his sister did not. He may be loyal to his Dad, or hesitant to build a relationship with another man when his biologic Dad left him like he did. It seems like the boy is going out of his way to protect himself from being hurt again. The step-dad needs to assure the boy that he's in for the long run.

This a l l feels like a red flag imo the wife brought up adoption but won't allow it if both aren't adopted? A teen doesn't usually agree to adoption. They usually have more acceptance over stuff that's happened or anger about it. He needs talked to yeah but I think adopting them should "wait for a better time" and if wife loses her s**t over being forced to wait, that's your real story there.

Ok. ESH. Apart from the daughter

They should have a family discussion. Bring everyone into the same room and have a conversation about the situation. Ask the 15 year old if he wants to be adopted in front of his mother. If he rejects the idea of adoption, then his opinion should be respected. This means his mother needs to accept it and allow her daughter to be adopted. I understand that she may want what she believes is the best for her children but that's not always the case. Forcing him to be adopted because of her unreasonable demands will have consequences. This entire situation could put a strain on their family, even their marriage. This makes the mother TAH.

At 15, this kid should get to say whether or not he wants to be adopted. If not, mom needs to drop it and at the same time, not punish her daughter by denying her adoption.

First of all, they need to explain situation to James and ask him, if he want to be adopted or if he's okay with younger sister being adopted when he's not. It won't create healthiest family dynamic, but I think it's better than forcing James into situation, where he's adopted by person he don't like. Their mother sounds a bit like AH, I understand that she's afraid that her son won't be treated fairly, but she can't force her husband and son into adoption like this.

If he's 15 and she's 8, and she's the one who wants to be adopted, wait three years. At that point, he'll be 18 and a legal adult; she'll still be a minor who needs/wants a parent. I'd say ask him, now, if he'd want to be adopted or not, and if he doesn't, then like I said, wait until he's 18 before you adopt his sister. Then your wife won't have a leg to stand on WRT "fairness."

They need to ask the son how he feels. She shouldn't force him to be adopted if he choses not to be and she shouldn't block her daughter's adoption. As far as the legal ramifications if she dies and the son is not adopted -she can set up a will and put in conditions for her son and her husband.

Who the hell supports this man, James is 15 month old..how is a 15 month old supposed to react...each if they met when James was 15 months and been together 5 years the kid us only 6. No reason to talk that way about a 6 year old.

Here's a scenario. You adopt the kids, she divorces you and gets back with the ex. Now you pay them child support to raise thier kids. How dumb do you feel? Happened to my best friend, don't be a stool pigeon. If she acts like this now, RUN!

You already see them on a regular basis why are you getting the government involved? Also YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE MARRIED HER! ultimatums are a HUGE red flag. Men this is a cautionary tale...do not date single moms.