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“AITAH For Telling My Girlfriend I’m Not Canceling My Plans Last Minute To Do Manual Labor”
When you have a partner, you want to at least be amicable with their friends, too. Doing them favors, being polite and friendly, and generally showing effort can lead to better relationship satisfaction. Friends’ opinions matter. In fact, one in five women say they wouldn’t date someone their friends don’t like.
But where’s the line when it comes to how much a person should bend over backwards to please their partner’s friends? This guy thought his girlfriend had crossed that line when she volunteered his free weekend for some shelf building at her friend’s. The girlfriend thought he should be willing to do it to get in her friend’s good graces, but he saw this as an insult to him and his time.
RELATED:
A guy landed in hot water with his GF after he refused to help his friend out for “brownie points”
Image credits: itzabshubo (not the actual image)
Unbeknownst to him, she offered for him to build some shelves for her friend, but he refused to sacrifice his weekend
Image credits: freepik (not the actual image)
Image credits: lazy_bear (not the actual image)
Image credits: Longjumping_Mix_8693
People, especially women, care what their friends think about their partners and romantic relationships
It might seem silly, but a romantic relationship isn’t just about the two people who are in it. Family and friends of both partners matter too, and that’s what often makes them so complicated. You have to get along with your partner’s parents, siblings, friends, and sometimes even colleagues.
While it’s not fair to offer your partner’s free services to your friends and plan their time without their consent, there is some truth to the girlfriend’s “brownie points” argument. How a partner gets along with your friends matters.
As social psychologist Erica B. Slotter, Ph.D., explains to Psychology Today, a relationship doesn’t happen in a vacuum. “The truth is that our romantic connections are embedded within our broader social lives,” she writes. “Our romantic relationships occur in and around our broader social networks and relationships with family and friends.”
Women might care more about what their friends think of their boyfriends. Research shows, for example, that they feel happier in relationships when their best friends approve of their partners. Women whose partners and best friends get along report higher life satisfaction and self-esteem.
This, of course, depends on the person. In a 2015 study, researchers found that those who are more independent tend to care more about what their social circle has to say. Such individualistic people tend to resist what their friends and family think and desire to make their own choices.
People can’t assume their partners will be at their or their friends’ beck and call every time
With that in mind, it’s important to respect your partner’s boundaries, time, and skills. Some people forget that. Like “Elizabeth” in this story, they assume a partner will go the extra mile just because the two people are in a romantic relationship.
In a healthy relationship, partners shouldn’t keep score. Sure, the boyfriend in this instance could’ve canceled his plans out of love for his girlfriend and chosen to help her friend. But he didn’t, and her assumption that he should have points to entitlement.
In a romantic relationship, the time both partners have matters. As American psychologist Mark Travers writes for Forbes, “relationships thrive when both partners feel seen and supported.” And in this case, the girlfriend failed to do that by ignoring the boyfriend’s plans and how much they meant to him.
He recommends that couples look at relationships through the lens of fairness and mutual respect, rather than feeling like they are owed something. “Elizabeth’s” selfish assumption that her boyfriend will do something just because it would please her or her friend doesn’t take into account his needs and wants.
Relationships where both partners are dedicated to caring for others and caring about the universal good are proven to be more successful. “People with pro-relational attitudes tend to demonstrate more empathy, actively nurture the relationship and approach conflicts with a focus on collaboration rather than personal gain,” Travers goes on to explain.
“Neither one of us gets to make decisions for the other,” the guy said, defending his position in the comments
Most commenters sided with the boyfriend: “Replace the GF”
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What do you think ?
Mike F 3 weeks ago (edited)
The word "entitled" gets tossed around a whole lot and most folks use it inappropriately, but THIS is entitled behavior. I put up with that kind of thing for almost 16 years but no more. This guy needs to have a come to Jesus meeting with the GF and spell it out. Boundaries my a$$, it's unacceptable.
BK BigFish 2 weeks ago
"Honey, I know you're meeting an old friend this weekend that you haven't seen in years, but I volunteered you to clean my friend's house, cook for him, and watch his kids - think of the major brownie points you'll earn!, if you do a really good job I might even consider forgiving you for volunteering me to build your friend's bookshelf."
Load More Replies...
Lee Gilliland 3 weeks ago
Tough touchas, girlfriend does NOT get to give his time and effort away. She needs to ask and use the magic word.
Zoe Vokes 3 weeks ago
A small favour is okay to offer (if she checks first) but I think building a bookcase by hand for her friend and expecting him to cancel his plans wouldn’t be an okay expectation on him even if she had checked beforehand.
Load More Replies...
Binky Melnik 3 weeks ago (edited)
He did absolutely NOTHING, yet she says he “embarrassed” her. Her “embarrassment” should come from her realizing she’s a jerk, stupid, and a very bad partner. I can’t even fathom this. I’ve likely said “I’ll ask whether my partner can help you with that” 128 times in my life, but that’s exactly the point: I’ll ASK. The implication is that partner may or may not want to/be able to help, so don’t get your hopes up! And if partner declines, oh, well: I asked, just like I said I would. Now it’s your job to find someone else.
Tabitha 3 weeks ago
Elizabeth: “Honey, Sarah loved the shelves you built. She wanted me to ask if you could do the same at her place. I told her I’d ask you, but she should also look into having someone else do it.” OP: “Well, next time we’re at her place I’ll take a look and decide how much it’ll come to, but I’m not making any promises.” Elizabeth: “OK, I’ll let her know you’ll think about it, but there’s no guarantee. Hey, want to go out first dinner—-my treat?” The next day—-Elizabeth: “Sarah, OP said next time we’re at your house, he’ll take a look, but there’s no guarantee he’ll do it, so you still better look into other carpenters.” Sarah: “OK. Hope he’ll decide to do it, but I’ll get estimates from a couple other people just in case.” Now, THAT’S how that whole exchange and follow up SHOULD have gone.
Orysha 3 weeks ago
"The Return of the King is just a movie." I would have dumped her on the spot. What the hell are brownie points? Do you get real brownies out of it? Op's girlfriend is a controlling walking red flag, he should run fast and far away.
Dragon Ashes 3 weeks ago
Brownie points are basically kudus for doing someone a favor. Usually when you are in a subservient position. Like doing something for your boss or teacher to get on their good side. I've never heard of it being used for friends so it's really weird. And yes, this girl is a walking talking red flag. She's a whole red house with red furnishings.
Load More Replies...
Sian E 3 weeks ago
I once had to have a talk with my mum because she'd volunteer me out to babysit her friends children or help out with Girl Guides (her friend ran the pack) without asking me first. The ONLY children I would drop everything last minute for were my niece and nephew, but they're 19 and 12 now so don't require a babysitter. 12 year old sometimes prefers having an adult present (if he'd be alone for a long period) but he can entertain himself. I have friends with children, and I have always made it clear that in an emergency, they just need to ask me and I'll do what I can. Thankfully my mother took what I said on board and she stopped volunteering my services without my permission!
Fabulous chocolate cookie 3 weeks ago
Yeahhh this is a massive red flag. You do not voluntold your partner for things and ambush them about it the day before! Including being pissed afterwards for "embarrasing" them. That would for me already be a reason to dump the partner and leave.
CP 3 weeks ago
My ex-wife loved to pull a similar tactic. I would finish a project in the house and instead of relaxing and enjoying life for a weekend or two, she always started the next project and volunteered me in. Talked to her about it and she still didn't stop. It was really annoying and disrespectful.
Michael MacKinnon 3 weeks ago
How did the girlfriend think this was even a one-day project? You're not just doing this off of two-by-fours from Home Depot (and yes, this was all unreasonable).
Charles McChristy 2 weeks ago
I used to work as a carpenter and I would say, "If it's no big deal then you would be building them yourselves. It obviously is a big deal because you can't." I had to learn how to say no long ago, especially when friends and family refuse to reciprocate. I would never build this woman a set of shelves for the sheer audacity to expect me to do something I am paid well for for free without asking.
Nikki Sevven 3 weeks ago
Having built floor-to-ceiling built-in bookshelves, it's not getting done in one weekend. Acclimatize the wood, measure, measure again, cut, rout for the adjustable shelf brackets, stain and wait, seal and wait, install adjustable shelf brackets, assemble shelves, attach to studs. Not a one-weekend job.
Untamed Snark 3 weeks ago
I'll bet the friend bought the wrong type and sizes of wood as well,
Load More Replies...
Michael Largey 3 weeks ago (edited)
GF is not yet ready to discuss this? Well, give her plenty of time and space to get ready. Completely NC, in fact.
Sally Kehn 1 week ago
Going through marital crisis do you need peace in your marriage or want to get pregnant or get married do you desire to get back your ex or stop a divorce then help have come your way contact Priest Ade ancientspiritspellcast@gmail. com
KatSaidThat 2 weeks ago
GF embarrassed herself there. Has she been dumped yet for being a child about being wrong?
Catherine Kane 3 weeks ago
been married 37 years. one of the reasons its lasted is neither of us voluntell each other
Crystalwitch60 3 weeks ago
The convo from gf should have been … hey darling are you busy this weekend ? op yes why ? Gf oh ok, it’s just that Sarah would love some shelves like yours , n wondered if you,d build them for her please , she will pay you for your time , op well I cant this weekend , but I could POSSIBLY do them in a few weeks if she’s ok with that ??? I want an update , has op dumped the entitled s k a n k ! lol op NTA
Rick Murray 3 weeks ago
"Plans she knew about a month in advance." It wasn't that she didn't know, she just didn't care because they weren't *her* plans.
Load More Replies... Mike F 3 weeks ago (edited)
The word "entitled" gets tossed around a whole lot and most folks use it inappropriately, but THIS is entitled behavior. I put up with that kind of thing for almost 16 years but no more. This guy needs to have a come to Jesus meeting with the GF and spell it out. Boundaries my a$$, it's unacceptable.
BK BigFish 2 weeks ago
"Honey, I know you're meeting an old friend this weekend that you haven't seen in years, but I volunteered you to clean my friend's house, cook for him, and watch his kids - think of the major brownie points you'll earn!, if you do a really good job I might even consider forgiving you for volunteering me to build your friend's bookshelf."
Load More Replies... Lee Gilliland 3 weeks ago
Tough touchas, girlfriend does NOT get to give his time and effort away. She needs to ask and use the magic word.
Zoe Vokes 3 weeks ago
A small favour is okay to offer (if she checks first) but I think building a bookcase by hand for her friend and expecting him to cancel his plans wouldn’t be an okay expectation on him even if she had checked beforehand.
Load More Replies... Binky Melnik 3 weeks ago (edited)
He did absolutely NOTHING, yet she says he “embarrassed” her. Her “embarrassment” should come from her realizing she’s a jerk, stupid, and a very bad partner. I can’t even fathom this. I’ve likely said “I’ll ask whether my partner can help you with that” 128 times in my life, but that’s exactly the point: I’ll ASK. The implication is that partner may or may not want to/be able to help, so don’t get your hopes up! And if partner declines, oh, well: I asked, just like I said I would. Now it’s your job to find someone else.
Tabitha 3 weeks ago
Elizabeth: “Honey, Sarah loved the shelves you built. She wanted me to ask if you could do the same at her place. I told her I’d ask you, but she should also look into having someone else do it.” OP: “Well, next time we’re at her place I’ll take a look and decide how much it’ll come to, but I’m not making any promises.” Elizabeth: “OK, I’ll let her know you’ll think about it, but there’s no guarantee. Hey, want to go out first dinner—-my treat?” The next day—-Elizabeth: “Sarah, OP said next time we’re at your house, he’ll take a look, but there’s no guarantee he’ll do it, so you still better look into other carpenters.” Sarah: “OK. Hope he’ll decide to do it, but I’ll get estimates from a couple other people just in case.” Now, THAT’S how that whole exchange and follow up SHOULD have gone.
Orysha 3 weeks ago
"The Return of the King is just a movie." I would have dumped her on the spot. What the hell are brownie points? Do you get real brownies out of it? Op's girlfriend is a controlling walking red flag, he should run fast and far away.
Dragon Ashes 3 weeks ago
Brownie points are basically kudus for doing someone a favor. Usually when you are in a subservient position. Like doing something for your boss or teacher to get on their good side. I've never heard of it being used for friends so it's really weird. And yes, this girl is a walking talking red flag. She's a whole red house with red furnishings.
Load More Replies... Sian E 3 weeks ago
I once had to have a talk with my mum because she'd volunteer me out to babysit her friends children or help out with Girl Guides (her friend ran the pack) without asking me first. The ONLY children I would drop everything last minute for were my niece and nephew, but they're 19 and 12 now so don't require a babysitter. 12 year old sometimes prefers having an adult present (if he'd be alone for a long period) but he can entertain himself. I have friends with children, and I have always made it clear that in an emergency, they just need to ask me and I'll do what I can. Thankfully my mother took what I said on board and she stopped volunteering my services without my permission!
Fabulous chocolate cookie 3 weeks ago
Yeahhh this is a massive red flag. You do not voluntold your partner for things and ambush them about it the day before! Including being pissed afterwards for "embarrasing" them. That would for me already be a reason to dump the partner and leave.
CP 3 weeks ago
My ex-wife loved to pull a similar tactic. I would finish a project in the house and instead of relaxing and enjoying life for a weekend or two, she always started the next project and volunteered me in. Talked to her about it and she still didn't stop. It was really annoying and disrespectful.
Michael MacKinnon 3 weeks ago
How did the girlfriend think this was even a one-day project? You're not just doing this off of two-by-fours from Home Depot (and yes, this was all unreasonable).
Charles McChristy 2 weeks ago
I used to work as a carpenter and I would say, "If it's no big deal then you would be building them yourselves. It obviously is a big deal because you can't." I had to learn how to say no long ago, especially when friends and family refuse to reciprocate. I would never build this woman a set of shelves for the sheer audacity to expect me to do something I am paid well for for free without asking.
Nikki Sevven 3 weeks ago
Having built floor-to-ceiling built-in bookshelves, it's not getting done in one weekend. Acclimatize the wood, measure, measure again, cut, rout for the adjustable shelf brackets, stain and wait, seal and wait, install adjustable shelf brackets, assemble shelves, attach to studs. Not a one-weekend job.
Untamed Snark 3 weeks ago
I'll bet the friend bought the wrong type and sizes of wood as well,
Load More Replies... Michael Largey 3 weeks ago (edited)
GF is not yet ready to discuss this? Well, give her plenty of time and space to get ready. Completely NC, in fact.
Sally Kehn 1 week ago
Going through marital crisis do you need peace in your marriage or want to get pregnant or get married do you desire to get back your ex or stop a divorce then help have come your way contact Priest Ade ancientspiritspellcast@gmail. com
KatSaidThat 2 weeks ago
GF embarrassed herself there. Has she been dumped yet for being a child about being wrong?
Catherine Kane 3 weeks ago
been married 37 years. one of the reasons its lasted is neither of us voluntell each other
Crystalwitch60 3 weeks ago
The convo from gf should have been … hey darling are you busy this weekend ? op yes why ? Gf oh ok, it’s just that Sarah would love some shelves like yours , n wondered if you,d build them for her please , she will pay you for your time , op well I cant this weekend , but I could POSSIBLY do them in a few weeks if she’s ok with that ??? I want an update , has op dumped the entitled s k a n k ! lol op NTA
Rick Murray 3 weeks ago
"Plans she knew about a month in advance." It wasn't that she didn't know, she just didn't care because they weren't *her* plans.
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