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Childbirth can be a beautiful but extremely difficult time. If you have your partner by your side and a team of highly skilled doctors around you, it can take some of your anxiety and fear away. That being said, nobody’s ‘perfect’ and nobody’s a superhero. At some point, you get tired and need food, sleep, to use the bathroom, etc. It’s only human, and everyone has their limits.
A dad-of-two, u/tincrumb, recently turned to the AITA community for some impartial advice regarding a sensitive situation surrounding his second child’s birth. He explained that he suffers from back pain and that his wife was upset that at one point he had to go home to get some rest after her emergency C-section. Read on for the full story. Bored Panda has reached out to the dad via Reddit, and we’ll update the article as soon as we hear back from him.
RELATED:
It’s vital to support your partner and be by their side during labor. At the same time, you also have to remember to take care of yourself
Image credits: DC Studio / freepik (not the actual photo)
A man asked the internet to weigh in after sharing how he left his wife alone at the hospital for some time after she had a C-section
Image credits: DC Studio / freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: tincrumb
Labor can last for a while, and you may find yourself exhausted for very long stretches of time
Image credits: wavebreakmedia_micro / freepik (not the actual photo)
To put it simply, you should be there for your partner when they’re anxious and scared. It’s also natural to want to spend time with them after childbirth, which is a huge challenge, is physically and emotionally demanding, and is one of the most beautiful moments that will happen in your life.
But it’s also important to be practical. Childbirth and your stay at the hospital can last a very long while. As someone who’s there to support their partner in labor, you have to take care of yourself so that you can help them as much as you can.
You have to look at the basics first. When was the last time you ate? If you’re starving, what are your options? Is there a cafeteria at the hospital so you’re close to your partner? Are there any vending machines? Are there cafes or diners in the area? Do you have to go back home to cook?
Are you sleeping properly, and are you in a good enough state to look after your partner? Where are you sleeping? Are you staying at the hospital, or will you have to go back home?
The point is that if you can’t look after yourself, you won’t be able to support your partner properly. If you’re fainting or falling asleep from a lack of food or exhaustion, then you’re causing more problems than you’re solving.
So, obviously, your priority is to be there by your partner’s side. But this does not mean that it’s a non-stop process of holding their hand 24/7 for a week straight, whispering endless words of support.
You go stretch your legs. You grab a cup of mediocre coffee from the vending machine. You chat with the medical staff and the other patients. Nature calls, or you get hungry, or you go for a lap outside the hospital for a breath of fresh air.
Maybe you brought a book that you’re reading during downtime. Maybe you’re calling up your and your partner’s relatives to inform them of any developments. There’s a lot of things going on. And, of course, you’re nearby when your partner needs you.
C-sections have their fair share of pros and cons. But in some cases, they are a necessity to protect the mother and child
Image credits: peoplecreations / freepik (not the actual photo)
Something that can complicate things very quickly is if you have any health issues and the hospital can’t accommodate them.
For instance, if you have chronic back pain, you need a proper bed. Sure, you’ll push through the pain as long as you can, but at some point, you’ll hit your limit.
According to The Mother Baby Center, vaginal birth is less risky than a C-section. The former also has a shorter recovery time, namely 2 to 6 weeks versus 6 to 8 weeks.
That being said, vaginal births can take longer and may be more painful. However, they also offer a unique experience both for the mom and her partner.
Generally, c-sections are recommended for moms who have high-risk pregnancies and can mean a longer stay at the hospital. Before making any decision, be sure to talk to your doctor about the upsides and downsides of either approach and what may be best for you and your baby.
According to the Cleveland Clinic, you may need a C-section if you have certain medical conditions or if complications occur during labor.
You may need an unplanned C-section delivery if labor isn’t progressing, the umbilical cord loops around the baby’s body, the cord comes out of your cervix before the baby, or the placenta separates from the wall of your uterus before childbirth.
Your doctor may also suggest an emergency C-section if your baby is in distress. In the US, C-sections are fairly common, accounting for around 30% of all deliveries.
What are your thoughts on the situation, dear Pandas? Do you think the dad did anything wrong by going home to get some proper sleep so he was ready to help his wife the next day? What would you have done differently? Have you ever been in a similar situation? Let us know in the comments.
Later, the man shared a lot more context
Many people thought that the man was able to balance being supportive with being practical quite well
Some readers thought that the man should have stuck it out no matter the pain he was in
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What do you think ?
Deborah B 11 months ago
If he has a bad back, a night in a chair might well mean he's unable to stand upright the next day. How much help and support is he going to be then? He left at midnight, came back as soon as they opened next morning, and she had a call bell for the nurses. Yes, it sucks that he couldn't be there, but staying, and being in pain and on zero sleep the next day would not have been less sucky.
Sarah Kathrin Matsoukis 11 months ago
Some people function tired some don't. If I was tired and in pain I would be of no help. She needs help but that's the hospitals job for a few hours.
Janissary35680 11 months ago (edited)
Exactly. In a somewhat similar situation when my wife was hospitalized, the nurse in charge practically ordered me to go home and get some sleep.
Load More Replies...
MegDragon 11 months ago (edited)
The way he writes gives me the impression he really cares about his wife and children and is doing everything he can to support them. In a perfect world he could do exactly what she’s asking him for. But people have their own needs, and after they satisfy them they can return to the patient’s side again. There are plenty of men out there who shrug off the birth and disrespect their partner’s pain - I don’t think this guy is one of them.
Vishy 11 months ago
Lack of sleep and fatigue is not good. OP would be more of a problem than a solution. In my situation I had a sleeping mat on the floor of the room. I slept whenever I had the opportunity. That way I was rested and ready whenever needed. You need to find a solution. That's all it takes.
Livingwithcfs 11 months ago
honestly he needed to go home and get some proper sleep. as a woman who has several babies I know how tired, emotional and incredibly sore she will be in for more than some time. once out of the hospital there will only be her husband (possibly family) to help. so he needs to be well rested to support her. I have also been up with someone in labour for over 48hrs and tried sleeping in chairs, I became hopeless for support because of lack of sleep, she needed me and I couldn't be there properly because my head was so fuzzy with exhaustion. as with all things where hospitals and babies are concerned things change and you need to be able to change your plans to fit them
JoMeBee 11 months ago
Agreed! I made my husband go home after my second unplanned C-section. I wanted life as normal as possible for our son and I had plenty of help in the hospital, I needed him well rested and able to cope with our toddler....
Load More Replies...
StrangeOne 11 months ago
The YTA comments are unhinged. I don't even think this situation justifies this type of question. He's human. His wife is human. She's in the hospital with staff giving her care, and with her baby. He does need to take care of himself, too, as does his wife. I don't understand why hospitals don't do better due diligence by making sure the fathers are accommodated better. They're the other parent and need to bond with their babies, too. They are not just "visitors". Dads are involved. Should be involved in the whole process. This dad is already doing more than some other new dads do. He's definitely NTA. Neither is his wife. Maybe people think he's asking who is the TA, his wife or him. Dunno.
FreeTheUnicorn 11 months ago
OP sounds like a caring and kind partner. I know he's writing it, but it sounds out of character to be selfish about pain and sleep, this is just being practical. Back problems are ko joke and with another child at home, who mom shouldn't be lifting after a C-section (won't work that way but try to limit as much as possible, goal is not to) he's going to be doing extra carrying, cleaning etc. The carer has to be well enough to do the caring. If he was habitually selfish or dismissive of his wife's needs, I would have suspicions, but this seems like the best choice for the family.
Nadine Debard 11 months ago (edited)
I've been the c-section wife with serious health issues that even separated me from my child for 2 days. I asked my husband to prioritize my child. Not me. I was wrecked, I almost died but he had to be with our son (130 km from my hospital, in another hospital, thanks to COVID mess). And then he would rest because he's a human being and he needed to rest. I can't believe people saying YTA. If the hospital couln't provide anything for him to sleep, then he wasn't officially allowed to stay overnight.
MidnightProphecy 11 months ago
How was he supposed to be awake all night and help her continuously it seems he’s done so much and tbh I’d have understood that he needs at least a bit of rest before coming straight back. He was there loads! People discounting lower back pain clearly haven’t had it bad enough or never ending. Not comparing it to labour either by the way it’s two completely different things. YTA votes are wild.
Katie Barnes 11 months ago
The husband seems like he really loves and respects his wife and is willing to step up. He tried to problem solve in order to be there with her but it was a no-go from the hospital. He feels really guilty about leaving his wife and understanding of her anxiety issues. As someone with back problems that can be triggered by long periods of sitting (or sleeping in a chair overnight) I don't think people understand that doing staying could have left him unable to move for several days afterwards. Which would have been worse than a night without him.
T Barth 11 months ago
It's like the YTA'S are in their own 'special' little club. Good grief...
Lori T Wisconsin 8 months ago
Suck it up, buttercup. You’re in HOSPITAL. The nurses are there to care for you. You shouldn’t guilt your poor husband into being your nursemaid. I’ve had a C Section, was not that bad, rotator cuff repair is more painful.
JLo 11 months ago
I had a C-section. I sent my baby to the nursery at night so I could sleep a little. It never occurred to me to ask my DH to spend the night after the birth. There are nurses to take care of the moms. What is the point of recovering in the hospital if you aren't going to utilize the nurses?
Ginger Winters 2 months ago
Most hospitals don't have nursery's anymore. The one I delivered in back in 2016 only had portable bassinets and a nicu
Load More Replies...
Nina 11 months ago
I think this is the first time a man actually did everything he could for the wife within reason. After all, when she's discharged, she'll still be laid up and he will need to step up and do almost everything from cooking, cleaning to bringing the baby to her to breastfeed. He wouldn't be able to do all that with his back thrown out and half dead. My hubby did the same for me after my kids. I sent him home to sleep while i was in hospital cos I knew he would be much more needed when I got home, so he had to be fresh.
XenoMurph 11 months ago
Not the first time.... I stood by my wife's bed for 51 hours, before her emergency c-section, and stood by the operating table during that, then for about 4 hours holding my daughter while she got stitched up. Staff sent me home at 10pm, wife agreed it was time i got off my feet after 3 days. OPs wife seems a bit terrified and vulnerable, which is the correct reaction to what she went through. But OP collapsing due to no sleep or rest is pointless. She needs to accept he did his best
Load More Replies... millac 10 months ago
Wondering why he couldn't have just returned to sleeping on the husband cot in his wife's hospital room. Not ideal, but closer than going all the way home.
Ginger Winters 2 months ago
They wouldn't let him set it up due to lack of space. It was in a reply
Load More Replies...
K. LNU 10 months ago
The YTAs once again show their ignorance. Some of them make it seem like he should have sucked it up; had the "little" back pain; and drove his wife and newborn home with ZERO sleep. Yeah, like that's a good idea. Plus, he left at midnight (hospital wards do tend to quiet down for the most part) and was there as soon as it was possible (probably 6 whole hours from driving home to driving back). It wasn't like he peaced out after dinner and didn't show back up until lunch. He was there, sleeping on a small couch (not comfortable) waking up as much as his wife before they moved her to a small room. And it sounds like he continued this once everyone was safe at home.
Meagan Glaser 10 months ago
Folks gotta recognize that the "you must stay with her" thing is very local. It's great if your local hospital is staffed enough that you can leave your loved one in the nurse's care overnight. But some folks live in areas where leaving a loved one alone to chance it with the nurses is a real dangerous gamble. So if you think the YTA folks are insane, maybe they're just from one of those areas where you NEED someone to stay and advocate/look out for you. There are too many "they forgot she's allergic to that and didn't read the chart" kind of stories and far worse.
Randy Sanders 11 months ago
NTA. If you don't take care of yourself, how can you possibly take care of someone else? Pure logic.
BoredPangolin 11 months ago
Welcome to the newborn experience, where someone else takes priority over your well-being. In the first month, if you don't have external help from close family, you don't sleep, you eat poorly and with one hand, you take 3minutes showers, and you're drained as heck.
Load More Replies...
LakotaWolf (she/her) 11 months ago
I can see good points from a lot of the commenters, both the NTAs and the YTAs, which is (at least in my experience with AITA posts) unusual. This is a really rough situation all around, especially since both parents are in (some degree) of pain that causes physical debilitation. I honestly cannot make a judgement here, since I've never had children and have no idea how vulnerable a woman feels after giving birth, or about pain of c-section or pregnancy hormones, nor about the anxiety BOTH parents must feel about their baby who has a health issue that required it to be moved to a NICU/pediatric ward. The closest I can get is how I feel about my pets when they have health issues - I slept on the floor next to my dog Stilgar when he was suffering from distemper as a puppy. I went without sleep for 24+ hrs many times during his illness. It sucked, and I was often in pain, but I did it, because my puppy needed me. But everyone's situation is different and it's not fair to judge OP.
Erica Acuto 11 months ago (edited)
Where do you live that they wouldn't bring in a cot for you to sleep on? That's standard practice where I live, in both pediatrics and maternity, for them to accommodate an overnight guest. Based on the words used in the post... sounds to me like universal health care isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Ginger Winters 2 months ago
Sounds like baby got moved to nicu during lockdown and they couldn't accommodate both parents after momma had a c section. I wouldn't call that a failure
Load More Replies...
Weasel Wise 11 months ago
LMFAO! The older sibling isn't abandoned at home tied to the radiator. They're at grandma and grandpa's house having a blast and getting spoiled, most likely. Kids don't grow resentful for being allowed to visit other family members for a few days. 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️
Load More Replies...
Claire Ferguson 11 months ago
I gave birth 6 weeks ago, you start in maternity triage to make sure you are in labour, then you are moved to the labour ward until you give birth, once baby has been checked over and you are cleaned up you usually moved to the maternity ward. My son had to go to nicu as soon as he was born so I went there before going to the maternity ward on my own.
Load More Replies...
Deborah B 11 months ago
If he has a bad back, a night in a chair might well mean he's unable to stand upright the next day. How much help and support is he going to be then? He left at midnight, came back as soon as they opened next morning, and she had a call bell for the nurses. Yes, it sucks that he couldn't be there, but staying, and being in pain and on zero sleep the next day would not have been less sucky.
Sarah Kathrin Matsoukis 11 months ago
Some people function tired some don't. If I was tired and in pain I would be of no help. She needs help but that's the hospitals job for a few hours.
Janissary35680 11 months ago (edited)
Exactly. In a somewhat similar situation when my wife was hospitalized, the nurse in charge practically ordered me to go home and get some sleep.
Load More Replies... MegDragon 11 months ago (edited)
The way he writes gives me the impression he really cares about his wife and children and is doing everything he can to support them. In a perfect world he could do exactly what she’s asking him for. But people have their own needs, and after they satisfy them they can return to the patient’s side again. There are plenty of men out there who shrug off the birth and disrespect their partner’s pain - I don’t think this guy is one of them.
Vishy 11 months ago
Lack of sleep and fatigue is not good. OP would be more of a problem than a solution. In my situation I had a sleeping mat on the floor of the room. I slept whenever I had the opportunity. That way I was rested and ready whenever needed. You need to find a solution. That's all it takes.
Livingwithcfs 11 months ago
honestly he needed to go home and get some proper sleep. as a woman who has several babies I know how tired, emotional and incredibly sore she will be in for more than some time. once out of the hospital there will only be her husband (possibly family) to help. so he needs to be well rested to support her. I have also been up with someone in labour for over 48hrs and tried sleeping in chairs, I became hopeless for support because of lack of sleep, she needed me and I couldn't be there properly because my head was so fuzzy with exhaustion. as with all things where hospitals and babies are concerned things change and you need to be able to change your plans to fit them
JoMeBee 11 months ago
Agreed! I made my husband go home after my second unplanned C-section. I wanted life as normal as possible for our son and I had plenty of help in the hospital, I needed him well rested and able to cope with our toddler....
Load More Replies... StrangeOne 11 months ago
The YTA comments are unhinged. I don't even think this situation justifies this type of question. He's human. His wife is human. She's in the hospital with staff giving her care, and with her baby. He does need to take care of himself, too, as does his wife. I don't understand why hospitals don't do better due diligence by making sure the fathers are accommodated better. They're the other parent and need to bond with their babies, too. They are not just "visitors". Dads are involved. Should be involved in the whole process. This dad is already doing more than some other new dads do. He's definitely NTA. Neither is his wife. Maybe people think he's asking who is the TA, his wife or him. Dunno.
FreeTheUnicorn 11 months ago
OP sounds like a caring and kind partner. I know he's writing it, but it sounds out of character to be selfish about pain and sleep, this is just being practical. Back problems are ko joke and with another child at home, who mom shouldn't be lifting after a C-section (won't work that way but try to limit as much as possible, goal is not to) he's going to be doing extra carrying, cleaning etc. The carer has to be well enough to do the caring. If he was habitually selfish or dismissive of his wife's needs, I would have suspicions, but this seems like the best choice for the family.
Nadine Debard 11 months ago (edited)
I've been the c-section wife with serious health issues that even separated me from my child for 2 days. I asked my husband to prioritize my child. Not me. I was wrecked, I almost died but he had to be with our son (130 km from my hospital, in another hospital, thanks to COVID mess). And then he would rest because he's a human being and he needed to rest. I can't believe people saying YTA. If the hospital couln't provide anything for him to sleep, then he wasn't officially allowed to stay overnight.
MidnightProphecy 11 months ago
How was he supposed to be awake all night and help her continuously it seems he’s done so much and tbh I’d have understood that he needs at least a bit of rest before coming straight back. He was there loads! People discounting lower back pain clearly haven’t had it bad enough or never ending. Not comparing it to labour either by the way it’s two completely different things. YTA votes are wild.
Katie Barnes 11 months ago
The husband seems like he really loves and respects his wife and is willing to step up. He tried to problem solve in order to be there with her but it was a no-go from the hospital. He feels really guilty about leaving his wife and understanding of her anxiety issues. As someone with back problems that can be triggered by long periods of sitting (or sleeping in a chair overnight) I don't think people understand that doing staying could have left him unable to move for several days afterwards. Which would have been worse than a night without him.
T Barth 11 months ago
It's like the YTA'S are in their own 'special' little club. Good grief...
Lori T Wisconsin 8 months ago
Suck it up, buttercup. You’re in HOSPITAL. The nurses are there to care for you. You shouldn’t guilt your poor husband into being your nursemaid. I’ve had a C Section, was not that bad, rotator cuff repair is more painful.
JLo 11 months ago
I had a C-section. I sent my baby to the nursery at night so I could sleep a little. It never occurred to me to ask my DH to spend the night after the birth. There are nurses to take care of the moms. What is the point of recovering in the hospital if you aren't going to utilize the nurses?
Ginger Winters 2 months ago
Most hospitals don't have nursery's anymore. The one I delivered in back in 2016 only had portable bassinets and a nicu
Load More Replies... Nina 11 months ago
I think this is the first time a man actually did everything he could for the wife within reason. After all, when she's discharged, she'll still be laid up and he will need to step up and do almost everything from cooking, cleaning to bringing the baby to her to breastfeed. He wouldn't be able to do all that with his back thrown out and half dead. My hubby did the same for me after my kids. I sent him home to sleep while i was in hospital cos I knew he would be much more needed when I got home, so he had to be fresh.
XenoMurph 11 months ago
Not the first time.... I stood by my wife's bed for 51 hours, before her emergency c-section, and stood by the operating table during that, then for about 4 hours holding my daughter while she got stitched up. Staff sent me home at 10pm, wife agreed it was time i got off my feet after 3 days. OPs wife seems a bit terrified and vulnerable, which is the correct reaction to what she went through. But OP collapsing due to no sleep or rest is pointless. She needs to accept he did his best
Load More Replies... millac 10 months ago
Wondering why he couldn't have just returned to sleeping on the husband cot in his wife's hospital room. Not ideal, but closer than going all the way home.
Ginger Winters 2 months ago
They wouldn't let him set it up due to lack of space. It was in a reply
Load More Replies... K. LNU 10 months ago
The YTAs once again show their ignorance. Some of them make it seem like he should have sucked it up; had the "little" back pain; and drove his wife and newborn home with ZERO sleep. Yeah, like that's a good idea. Plus, he left at midnight (hospital wards do tend to quiet down for the most part) and was there as soon as it was possible (probably 6 whole hours from driving home to driving back). It wasn't like he peaced out after dinner and didn't show back up until lunch. He was there, sleeping on a small couch (not comfortable) waking up as much as his wife before they moved her to a small room. And it sounds like he continued this once everyone was safe at home.
Meagan Glaser 10 months ago
Folks gotta recognize that the "you must stay with her" thing is very local. It's great if your local hospital is staffed enough that you can leave your loved one in the nurse's care overnight. But some folks live in areas where leaving a loved one alone to chance it with the nurses is a real dangerous gamble. So if you think the YTA folks are insane, maybe they're just from one of those areas where you NEED someone to stay and advocate/look out for you. There are too many "they forgot she's allergic to that and didn't read the chart" kind of stories and far worse.
Randy Sanders 11 months ago
NTA. If you don't take care of yourself, how can you possibly take care of someone else? Pure logic.
BoredPangolin 11 months ago
Welcome to the newborn experience, where someone else takes priority over your well-being. In the first month, if you don't have external help from close family, you don't sleep, you eat poorly and with one hand, you take 3minutes showers, and you're drained as heck.
Load More Replies... LakotaWolf (she/her) 11 months ago
I can see good points from a lot of the commenters, both the NTAs and the YTAs, which is (at least in my experience with AITA posts) unusual. This is a really rough situation all around, especially since both parents are in (some degree) of pain that causes physical debilitation. I honestly cannot make a judgement here, since I've never had children and have no idea how vulnerable a woman feels after giving birth, or about pain of c-section or pregnancy hormones, nor about the anxiety BOTH parents must feel about their baby who has a health issue that required it to be moved to a NICU/pediatric ward. The closest I can get is how I feel about my pets when they have health issues - I slept on the floor next to my dog Stilgar when he was suffering from distemper as a puppy. I went without sleep for 24+ hrs many times during his illness. It sucked, and I was often in pain, but I did it, because my puppy needed me. But everyone's situation is different and it's not fair to judge OP.
Erica Acuto 11 months ago (edited)
Where do you live that they wouldn't bring in a cot for you to sleep on? That's standard practice where I live, in both pediatrics and maternity, for them to accommodate an overnight guest. Based on the words used in the post... sounds to me like universal health care isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Ginger Winters 2 months ago
Sounds like baby got moved to nicu during lockdown and they couldn't accommodate both parents after momma had a c section. I wouldn't call that a failure
Load More Replies... Weasel Wise 11 months ago
LMFAO! The older sibling isn't abandoned at home tied to the radiator. They're at grandma and grandpa's house having a blast and getting spoiled, most likely. Kids don't grow resentful for being allowed to visit other family members for a few days. 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️
Load More Replies... Claire Ferguson 11 months ago
I gave birth 6 weeks ago, you start in maternity triage to make sure you are in labour, then you are moved to the labour ward until you give birth, once baby has been checked over and you are cleaned up you usually moved to the maternity ward. My son had to go to nicu as soon as he was born so I went there before going to the maternity ward on my own.
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