Unpopular Opinions: 28 Men Share Views That Challenge Male Norms

Redditor M_RONA said that he's personally not a big fan of the term 'toxic masculinity' because he feels like it misrepresents reality and sometimes gets used where it isn't applicable. That's not to say it doesn't exist, however, it does mean that the term's sometimes misused. "While I absolutely agree that there are many male traits taken to the extreme that have horrible consequences for the people around them, I think the term is sadly being overused to mislabel normal and perfectly healthy male behavior," he told Bored Panda.

However, he pointed out that he believes that a lot of the harm and pressures put on men are "often put forth by other men." In short, men pressure other men to conform in terms of behaviors, attitudes, character, and activities. This can make any sort of emotional vulnerability extremely difficult. "I saw a ton of examples of that in the comments on my post, where a lot of guys were talking about how, as a man, they found it extremely difficult to talk and be open about their feelings. I think that stems from this notion that men are supposed to be so hardened and stoic that we never let things get to us, and if we ever experience a negative emotion, we shouldn’t process it, we should just bottle it up and 'be a man.'"

M_RONA pointed out that having a "hardened mind and a stoic attitude are certainly virtuous values" (and I fully agree), however, taken to the extreme, the notion of 'be a man' can be classified as toxic masculinity if it's all done at the cost of expressing one's feelings.

"I think the top comment on the post right now is about men doing yoga, which has almost exclusively positive effects on both the body and mind, but a lot of guys were finding it hard to begin with because it’s 'something that only women do,' and were expressing discontent at the fact that a lot of their male peers would look down on them if they started doing yoga. I’m not sure if not doing yoga is directly correlated to depression, but the basic attitude of 'men should do this, and women should do that' is hampering to both men and women, I think, something both sexes are guilty of doing, unfortunately," M_RONA mused.

I was very interested to find out the inspiration behind the question because it seemed to resonate with quite a lot of redditors. M_RONA was kind enough to share the spark and the motivation behind the thread.

"Honestly, I was taking the metro on the way home from university, and I just randomly started thinking about what kind of beverages I like. When I’m out drinking I usually drink a lot of beer, which I guess is considered more manly than other alcoholic drinks, but for example, I also love me a mean passionfruit daiquiri, which I think a lot of guys would maybe frown upon," he said that this is when he started thinking about societal rules, standards, and expectations.

"I started having a mental conversation with myself about why we set these 'rules' for what we should and shouldn’t drink as men, and I’ve always personally believed that if you think something tastes good, go for it! And from there I thought about all the other rules we set for each other as guys, and what other opinions I have that would maybe be considered unpopular amongst my peers. So that’s basically where the inspiration came from."

The redditor believes that the question might have resonated with so many internet users because guys "find themselves in a position of wanting to do things they might feel like they can't do because of these societal norms we set for ourselves." M_RONA shared with Bored Panda that r/AskMen is a very "open and accepting community," so men often have the opportunity of expressing themselves without being judged. (Being anonymous helps, too.)

"Maybe they saw it as a way to vent about bad [stuff] they’ve experienced, and my post was a good route to filter it through, while at the same time getting a lot of support from understanding peers," he said.

The author of the thread believes that social pressure to conform doesn't care about gender or [intimacy]. "I think we all face issues of conformity and set expectations for what we’re supposed to do, and I guess it’s up to all of us to promote and cheer on people who don’t fit into certain categories that we make for ourselves," he explained his thoughts. When I asked whether he'd like to add anything else, M_RONA joked, "Buy and hold GME," referring to the mass buying of Gamestop shares that happened earlier this year.

The pressure for men to conform to a certain ‘ruleset’ of attitudes and behaviors has a lot to do with the prevalence of toxic masculinity, as opposed to healthy masculinity. In short, toxic masculinity is an older set of ‘ideals’ that emphasizes a lack of emotional vulnerability and values aggression.

Psychotherapist Silva Neves from the United Kingdom explained to Bored Panda earlier that toxic masculinity is related to “a general attitude perpetuated by systemic misogyny” rather than specific behaviors.

According to psychotherapist Silva, toxic masculinity is “a set of distorted ideas about what men should be like.” At the core of this harmful idea lie the beliefs that men should “always be winners,” shouldn’t feel vulnerable, and shouldn’t be perceived as ‘weak’ or ‘soft.’

“A man with healthy masculinity is the opposite to these traits: someone who is self-reflective, embraces their emotions including sadness, anxiety and crying, a man who isn't afraid of their own femininity and believes that women are equal, and therefore are very clear about respecting boundaries and consent with women,” the mental health expert went into detail what healthy masculinity looks like.

What’s more, followers of healthy masculinity “embrace gender, [intimacy], and relationship diversities, including gay men and transgender people.” In Silva’s opinion, a person who embraces healthy masculinity “is comfortable with their opinions to be challenged and able to have debates.”

Toxic masculinity potentially poses a danger to both men and the people around them, the psychotherapist highlighted. Toxic masculinity is most often expressed either through violence or the threat of violence.

“The main danger of toxic masculinity is that those men can be emotionally abusive and/or physically violent and sexually violent to women,” the expert said.

“They can also be aggressive to gay people. They perpetuate toxic messages of masculinity so toxic masculinity is usually passed down to their children and peers maintaining the problems,” the mental health expert noted that family members can pass down certain harmful beliefs from generation to generation. That means that widespread positive changes would take a long time to take root.

“Toxic masculinity also harms the men themselves because repressing their own emotions so much can lead to mental health issues, depression, and even suicide. Toxic masculinity harms everybody.”

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