Here Are 35 Of The Most Brilliant Sarcastic Tweets Shared By This Instagram Page

Make it 6 months and they have no access to any of their assets.

Wait, you mean it is still a surprise even if you don't wait for the birth? Shocking!

Not just you, sometimes it's just right. Then it will be months before that happens again

Then you can ask those friends out to dinner your treat, but they can't come because of the kids!

I wish this wasn't so accurate 😒

I would 'except' that too.

I'm going against the grain here and say that unless the people in said fanciest house are douches to begin with, there's no reason to do this when someone politely asks you to keep it down for one afternoon in the entire year because of a wedding. The fact that it's the fanciest house holds no relevance.

I love Laura!

Marrying is overrated, as long as you love your partner, care for them and be there for them. That's really all that matters in the end. Now if only I can convince my wife of these facts.

Avocado toast was your second

I feel like perhaps this can also be a metaphor for many things larger than carpets on floors perhaps

Omg seriously 🤣

I can attest that this is true for Uncles, too.

I want one of those low maintenance plants the type the pops into the kitchen and turns on the tap when its thirsty. And obviously while it's in there makes me a cuppa as well.

TheGoodBoi

TheGoodBoi

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Same mark, same

They deliberately reduce the lifespan of electronic devices in order to ensure that they will get continuous sales.

I have yet to meet these "other people". Do they really exist?

Looking at my notes, yep your an adult now, no it doesn't feel any different, sorry we lied. But you do get some debt, lots of responsibilities and it looks like you opted for the basic model which doesn't come with a manual unfortunately. And can you send in the next one on your way out, byeee

TheGoodBoi

TheGoodBoi

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Yes please

I had to work a long time to be this ugly and awkward, but thankfully I don't have any personality disorders

Everyone was thinking 'Thank God it's over.' Or is that just my antisocial self speaking

Ace

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Yeah, one time my doctor asked if I was in pain at all and I said oh, you know, just the normal amount. Same reaction.

I hate that bit where your staring at the back of your eyelids, and your mind is saying "I'm not ready for tommorow" and all i can answer is "you mean today because you won't let me get any sleep"

They have! ... Pedialyte

"What do you want for dinner?" "How about [could be ANY restaurant]?" "Eh..."

Me too, if you squint hard enough

all you need is six friends. Six to carry your casket.

Hey, I had Botox for my clenched jaw and teeth grinding and it did help ease the pain

What word was sensored 👀🙄😅

Best you can do is put yourself in either Do not Disturb so no notifications or Show as Away

They borrow from their future LOL

It's not your fault if they can't appreciate Nelly references

YUP!!

In fairness, if I was told I could do absolutely anything. ANYthing......except eat this apple from this certain tree. Imma eat that apple.

Come back when you have a warrant