A marriage is supposed to last for a happily ever after, but just a few years into his, Reddit user Negative-Dog1600 heard his wife make a statement that got him thinking about divorce.
The man said they agreed to pursue their careers and firmly committed to never becoming stay-at-home spouses. However, the woman recently revealed her desire to become a housewife, and this made him question if he truly knew her.
Now, the man fears he might be facing irreparable trust issues.
This man and his wife had agreed they would never be stay-at-home spouses
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov / pexels (not the actual photo)
However, the woman changed her mind
Image credits: LightFieldStudios / envanto (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Negative-Dog1600
In recent decades, the share of stay-at-home parents has fluctuated, rising during periods of higher unemployment
Given the chance, many would take the route that the Redditor’s spouse is thinking about. A Gallup Poll found that more than half of women in the U.S. with children under the age of 18, 56%, would prefer to stay home over going to work, and 39% of women without children under the age of 18 said they wanted the role of homemaker.
However, only 24% do. There are multiple reasons for this, but the US has largely been a place that makes few allowances for the needs of parents, and working mothers in particular. Parental leave is not mandated, work hours are often long, and the state doesn’t provide free or subsidized countrywide childcare, which exists in many other countries. Not to mention that unpaid domestic work tends to fall disproportionately on women. Women are significantly less satisfied at work too, according to data released by the Conference Board, a business research organization. Plus, a global report on women at work released by Deloitte found that, in the US, a standout reason for that was lack of flexibility.
While watching a partner change is hard, it’s not that uncommon. Personalities are more malleable than we might think. Most of us change, though often gradually, according to a study published in 2018 by the University of Houston, University of Tübingen, and University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, which assessed the personality traits of 1,795 people in the U.S. in adolescence and then 50 years later. (Many participants of the study became more emotionally stable, conscientious, and agreeable over time.)
“Communication has and will always be the key to mitigate negative feelings around change in your relationship,” said Jeff Gardere, a psychologist in Manhattan and an adviser for Ro Mind, a digital health service addressing anxiety and depression. “Talk about the change you experience, perceive, and are impacted by. These continuous conversations should always be framed in the mindset of learning, compromise, and conflict resolution.”
As his story went viral, the man joined the discussion in the comment section
Love how a 20 -year-old man can get "snipped" no questions asked, here I am a woman at 30 still jumping through hoops trying to get "fixed"... 😑
In my 30s in Scotland and the US I was told my future husband wouldn't approve if getting my tubes tied, even though I was single at the time. I tried for years to get tubal ligation starting in my teens, never happened. I can't use hormonal birth control due to other health issues. I can't believe I had female doctors telling me a theoretical man had more say in my future than me.
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He earns 90% of the money they live off and pays for housekeeping so she can work a stressful, underpaid job that destroys her. If they had a truly loving relationship, the simplest solution would be to write down a contract for what the housekeepers are doing and giving her the same money he gives them for doing that job, while sharing the rest of the housework as they do now until she's mentally recovered from her bad job and ready to work an outside job again. By writing down the exact chores she gets paid for, they'd avoid confusion about what is the paid job and what is the rest that they'll share. But no, he rather let's her burn out and pays strangers for work she could be doing for at least a while to insist on their former agreement. What a bozo.
Okay, I went to Reddit and OP is a nasty critter! His wife is a highschool teacher in a very difficult school. She already has counselling, is burned out, depressive and physical ill from her high stress job she was very passionate about and already stayed far too long because she cared too much for her students. The absolute standard teacher story. He was sore that she didn't want to give up her job when they married, because she was passionate about it and wanted the security of a second income, and now doesn't want to give in because he's still sore that 'she didn't trust him from the start, so why should he help her now' and she's already moved out and lives with her relatives, who rightfully call him out on his BS. He tried to validate himself on Reddit by only telling bits of the story when pressured for it in the comments, and only were it made him look good but one commenter went through all of them and put the snippets together to a whole story. OP then deleted his account.
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Am i the only one who thinks that it's the wife who is dodging a bullet. A contract is a contract? Contracts are updated and amended ALL THE TIME - What an a*s
Yea, I think maybe this relationship was a bit circumstantial. As in they work together until a certain goal was reached....completely knowingly or not.
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From the initial reading I thought it was an, albiet poorly worded, "I want a partner that's not dependent on me. I'm not interested in having a realationship where my counterpart doesn't work. Its important that they have their own income and career." Someone else clarified that's NOT the case. But for the people reading it like that then It's not hard to see why people think NTA.
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Claims he loves her but marriage is a social contract and she broke the terms they agreed to. Nope not love, you don't turn love on and off like a light switch a.hole, you are all in, as your vows stated or you are loving the social contract you created not the person, you are a controlling a*s wipe and she will be so much better without you. Had a vasectomy but still using condoms....as a married man? Really? I See a complete lack of spontaneous intimacy and utter lack of trust here. Marriage and monogamous sex between 2 in love partners just does not look like that, it's bizarre. Don't trust her to stay on the pill? Even though you are sterile? Or is it stds you might bring home that concern you?
Pills aren't 100% effective. Condoms really are the most effective form tbh. It's a bit paranoid but I don't think THAT atleast is a trust issue.
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I'd go YTA, don't hate me 🙏 One possible scenario: she agreed with your decision & all the arrangement made 6 years ago before marriage. But mayyybe, she's changed her mind. Maybe now she wants kids, or maybe she's somehow feeling inferior that you contribute so much to the household. I get that she feels trapped. She hates her job, and she's got no say at home. You sounds a wee bit controlling . This is just a possibility, i could be wrong
Definite YTA. What sort of marriage is it when you don't understand that your spouse needs your support in a difficult time?
Refusing to eat and acting all weird suddenly? I guess something at her job happened but she's scared to tell the OP about it
This one is completely fake it’s the extraneous details that give it away - vasectomy at 20 (no doctor does that) but still uses condoms with his wife, wife has been hospitalized twice because he left her but he isn’t worried about that, housework isn't a factor because he “staffs the house” etc.
If you come from enough money to have house staff, and own a house and two cars at 20, a vasectomy is definitely something you can get.
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Sounds like they aren't compatible. He clearly has a strong attitude to what work is admirable and what is beneath him/his family. She can do better, but having deal breakers to a relationship doesn't make you an AH, it's how you handle the discussion and break up if that has to happen. He's not perfect, they aren't compatible, why would divorce be a bad thing?
Dude is a pure a*****e. He earns 90% of their income, she is absolutely miserable at work, and his reasoning is just "that's not what we agreed to"? Seems he would rather divorce than see his wife's quality of life improved. If that's the case, she should be running for the hills anyway.
Sounds more like she hates her job and didn't see any other way outz and felt useless otherwise. I hope she takes him up in his offer of a full college ride if she also pays attention to her mental health. She should focus on a therapist first for a bit to treat possible depression.
Why is it on every post where there is an issue between partners, the person posting (usually the one with the problem) gets BOMBARDED by texts from family & friends? Like, I'd never in a million years text my friend's husband that he's being an a-hole unless he was beating her. I don't get it. Me texting my SIL that my brother is right and she should be punished for her behavior? No freaking way. Listen, support, but dear lord why get involved so obnoxiously? Sorry, rant over.
The fact he would rather divorce her rather than help her work this out makes him a total AH.
I think maybe she was thinking she could save the money and time spent on housekeeping and lunch by doing it herself. However, it isn't a job. I think maybe you stuck with your position out of point or principle. Neither of you are a******s specifically but this entire relationship seems toxic.
Get in the way of a woman's lifelong dreams and you'll get bulldozed !
Im honestly curious y hes so against the idea if they can afford it and shed be happier, but at the same time she could get a new job so idk i just need more information honestly edit: if sonja is being truthful hes an a*****e
Love how a 20 -year-old man can get "snipped" no questions asked, here I am a woman at 30 still jumping through hoops trying to get "fixed"... 😑
In my 30s in Scotland and the US I was told my future husband wouldn't approve if getting my tubes tied, even though I was single at the time. I tried for years to get tubal ligation starting in my teens, never happened. I can't use hormonal birth control due to other health issues. I can't believe I had female doctors telling me a theoretical man had more say in my future than me.
Load More Replies... He earns 90% of the money they live off and pays for housekeeping so she can work a stressful, underpaid job that destroys her. If they had a truly loving relationship, the simplest solution would be to write down a contract for what the housekeepers are doing and giving her the same money he gives them for doing that job, while sharing the rest of the housework as they do now until she's mentally recovered from her bad job and ready to work an outside job again. By writing down the exact chores she gets paid for, they'd avoid confusion about what is the paid job and what is the rest that they'll share. But no, he rather let's her burn out and pays strangers for work she could be doing for at least a while to insist on their former agreement. What a bozo.
Okay, I went to Reddit and OP is a nasty critter! His wife is a highschool teacher in a very difficult school. She already has counselling, is burned out, depressive and physical ill from her high stress job she was very passionate about and already stayed far too long because she cared too much for her students. The absolute standard teacher story. He was sore that she didn't want to give up her job when they married, because she was passionate about it and wanted the security of a second income, and now doesn't want to give in because he's still sore that 'she didn't trust him from the start, so why should he help her now' and she's already moved out and lives with her relatives, who rightfully call him out on his BS. He tried to validate himself on Reddit by only telling bits of the story when pressured for it in the comments, and only were it made him look good but one commenter went through all of them and put the snippets together to a whole story. OP then deleted his account.
Load More Replies... Am i the only one who thinks that it's the wife who is dodging a bullet. A contract is a contract? Contracts are updated and amended ALL THE TIME - What an a*s
Yea, I think maybe this relationship was a bit circumstantial. As in they work together until a certain goal was reached....completely knowingly or not.
Load More Replies... From the initial reading I thought it was an, albiet poorly worded, "I want a partner that's not dependent on me. I'm not interested in having a realationship where my counterpart doesn't work. Its important that they have their own income and career." Someone else clarified that's NOT the case. But for the people reading it like that then It's not hard to see why people think NTA.
Load More Replies... Claims he loves her but marriage is a social contract and she broke the terms they agreed to. Nope not love, you don't turn love on and off like a light switch a.hole, you are all in, as your vows stated or you are loving the social contract you created not the person, you are a controlling a*s wipe and she will be so much better without you. Had a vasectomy but still using condoms....as a married man? Really? I See a complete lack of spontaneous intimacy and utter lack of trust here. Marriage and monogamous sex between 2 in love partners just does not look like that, it's bizarre. Don't trust her to stay on the pill? Even though you are sterile? Or is it stds you might bring home that concern you?
Pills aren't 100% effective. Condoms really are the most effective form tbh. It's a bit paranoid but I don't think THAT atleast is a trust issue.
Load More Replies... I'd go YTA, don't hate me 🙏 One possible scenario: she agreed with your decision & all the arrangement made 6 years ago before marriage. But mayyybe, she's changed her mind. Maybe now she wants kids, or maybe she's somehow feeling inferior that you contribute so much to the household. I get that she feels trapped. She hates her job, and she's got no say at home. You sounds a wee bit controlling . This is just a possibility, i could be wrong
Definite YTA. What sort of marriage is it when you don't understand that your spouse needs your support in a difficult time?
Refusing to eat and acting all weird suddenly? I guess something at her job happened but she's scared to tell the OP about it
This one is completely fake it’s the extraneous details that give it away - vasectomy at 20 (no doctor does that) but still uses condoms with his wife, wife has been hospitalized twice because he left her but he isn’t worried about that, housework isn't a factor because he “staffs the house” etc.
If you come from enough money to have house staff, and own a house and two cars at 20, a vasectomy is definitely something you can get.
Load More Replies... Sounds like they aren't compatible. He clearly has a strong attitude to what work is admirable and what is beneath him/his family. She can do better, but having deal breakers to a relationship doesn't make you an AH, it's how you handle the discussion and break up if that has to happen. He's not perfect, they aren't compatible, why would divorce be a bad thing?
Dude is a pure a*****e. He earns 90% of their income, she is absolutely miserable at work, and his reasoning is just "that's not what we agreed to"? Seems he would rather divorce than see his wife's quality of life improved. If that's the case, she should be running for the hills anyway.
Sounds more like she hates her job and didn't see any other way outz and felt useless otherwise. I hope she takes him up in his offer of a full college ride if she also pays attention to her mental health. She should focus on a therapist first for a bit to treat possible depression.
Why is it on every post where there is an issue between partners, the person posting (usually the one with the problem) gets BOMBARDED by texts from family & friends? Like, I'd never in a million years text my friend's husband that he's being an a-hole unless he was beating her. I don't get it. Me texting my SIL that my brother is right and she should be punished for her behavior? No freaking way. Listen, support, but dear lord why get involved so obnoxiously? Sorry, rant over.
The fact he would rather divorce her rather than help her work this out makes him a total AH.
I think maybe she was thinking she could save the money and time spent on housekeeping and lunch by doing it herself. However, it isn't a job. I think maybe you stuck with your position out of point or principle. Neither of you are a******s specifically but this entire relationship seems toxic.
Get in the way of a woman's lifelong dreams and you'll get bulldozed !
Im honestly curious y hes so against the idea if they can afford it and shed be happier, but at the same time she could get a new job so idk i just need more information honestly edit: if sonja is being truthful hes an a*****e
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