Entitled Husband Cancels Wife’s Urgent Doctor’s Appointment Because “He Needs Her So She Could Host Dinner For His Friends”
Good health is one of the most precious treasures we’ve got. Even with our busy schedules, we try our best to be fit, energetic, and happy to enjoy life to the fullest. But while self-care is important, many of us also look after our loved ones and feel generally concerned whenever they have issues of their own.
However, it seems that not everyone receives support when they need it most. A month ago, Reddit user Steady-Sailing3898 created a post on the AITA subreddit about how she finally made a doctor’s appointment to deal with her ongoing health problems. To her surprise, her husband canceled it behind her back because he needed her to host a dinner party for him and his friends.
As you probably have guessed, this didn’t go well with the author. While she considers herself a generous host and is always ready to welcome her guests with open arms, there’s only so much a person can take. Read on for the full story and let us know what you think about this whole situation in the comments below.
This stay-at-home mom recently shared how her husband canceled her doctor’s appointment so she could host a dinner party for him and his friends
Image credits: Ksenia Chernaya (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Steady-Sailing3898
The woman’s story received quite the attention from the AITA community. The vast majority of members determined that she was not in the wrong in this situation, saying that it was inappropriate of her husband to put his ego over her health.
“We only have the wife’s side of the story here but it would suggest that there is an imbalance of power and a lack of respect for the wife’s needs and wishes,” relationship coach Sue Saker told Bored Panda. “They may have gradually got into unhelpful patterns of behavior where the wife has deferred to his wishes increasingly.”
Whether it was over some small things that didn’t matter or because she wanted to keep the peace in their relationship, “This can then start to become a habit and the norm,” she commented on the incident.
“One thing I have noticed during the pandemic is that some relationships have had a shift in how decisions are made, with the more dominant partner making more of the daily decisions,” Saker said. However, she’s not sure of the exact reason for this trend. “It may not be indicative of what’s going on outside of my client base, but I have wondered if it’s because the boundaries between work and home have been blurred in many cases?”
The relationship coach provided an example. Imagine if one partner who is “in a senior position where part of their role is leading and directing others” is on a work call. “They come off the call, out of the home office, and immediately go back into the family.” Saker explained that they probably haven’t shaken off the “work mode” and still feel they are in charge.
“They are likely to then speak to their partner in that same tone and with an explanation of compliance,” she said. Their significant other may initially accommodate it because they could think their working partner is simply stressed or busy, “and then it continues.”
Many commenters branded the author’s husband as abusive and controlling. Sue Saker explained that these key signs show whether a partner is being manipulative: “If one person isn’t feeling heard, his or her needs are not being taken into account or their wishes are ignored.”
When asked how to deal with manipulative partners, step one is to recognize that it’s happening. “It sounds obvious but often the pattern starts small and increases without either partner noticing,” she told us. “In particular, the one who is being manipulative may not even realize that’s how they are being.”
“It is therefore important to have an honest chat about how you are feeling. Do this without attacking the partner or it will just escalate into an argument.” She advised that rather than straight-up saying “you’re being manipulative”, you should phrase it more as “when you do this or that, I feel disrespected and uncared for”.
The relationship coach revealed that one of her favorite phrases is “what you allow is what will continue”. So if you let yourself “be manipulated and [your partner’s] increasingly controlling behavior isn’t challenged, then it is likely to continue,” Saker noted.
“It’s important to remember that the ‘controlling’ partner may be unaware of the impact of their behavior. The first step is to draw attention to it and the consequences.” After all, relationships are complicated “and can often start to go off course. The more you can have open and honest discussions without accusations or blame, the better,” Sue Saker concluded.
Redditors unanimously agreed that the author was NTA in this situation, here’s what they had to say
Absolutely correct! If she ever becomes ill enough to impact her ability to provide the duties to which he is accustomed to, she will quickly be kicked to the curb, treated like a second class citizen, and be lucky if he just quickly leaves and doesn't make her life a living hêll first. I'm speaking from experience. When I contracted Lyme Disease while working with my husband, I wasn't initially aware what was wrong with me. I worked until my body literally and physically gave out. My blood pressure shot up to 180/120 , I was experiencing vertigo, and vomiting, all while driving on the interstate, and passed out as soon as I pulled over stop. I had to stop driving per doctor's orders, and after a few weeks of tests I had several medical diagnoses that kept me home and I was quite ill. It took a couple years to get my Lyme Disease diagnosed but as soon as I couldn't provide for him like usual, I was treated as a second class citizen, denied access to medical care, food, etc. Cont.below
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NTA! A good husband either goes with his wife and tells the friends he has to postpone, or he orders pizza. It's that simple.
Yeah,he could just call them to reschedule bc her wife is sick and im sure his friends (or any sane person) would've understand the minute they're told the reason why. Ugh i hope she left him soon, what a piece of sht
Load More Replies... Your health >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> literally anything else, ever
This is terrible! My wife is stay at home also! I work two jobs, and she keeps the house together! I made vacation plans flights,hotels it took awhile to schedule both jobs off at the same time. We were so excited to finally go away she even made this crazy count down chain! Two weeks to go and she started feeling sick, she never told me didn't want to worry me. Found out through her sister and I got her to her Dr immediately. Women problem that needed surgery could it have waited ...maybe but not a chance, I cancelled the vacation which upset her cause she didn't want to hurt me!!! I'm no hero but my Wife Is the love of my life and will ALWAYS come before anything. She's doing better and started making a new count down chain!!!! This Women's story is extremely upsetting!!!! This man's priorities are all screwed up!!!!
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Stay-at-home moms' job is taking care of the children. It's not being a house elf. Dump the guy.
Why is she questioning herself? Of course, he is an idiot.... I suggest messaging his friends and tell them about what he did... that will teach him if his friends have some sanity...
She will then be the butt of their jokes and labeled crazy. I'm guessing this guys friends are probably a lot like him.
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I see a load of red flags here: she thinks we're going to think she's petty right off the bat (poss gaslighting going on to the length of time that SHE seems petty). Not checking in with his wife (equal partner) about hosting. She doesn't think she contributes equally (again gaslighting). He thinks it's fine to cancel a medical appointment she scheduled before his dinner was planned without talking to her. He has a tantrum. She thinks she might be TAH. Ummmmmm. I don't think I have to say the obvious.
What's wrong with the eyes btw, I really want to know if she's doing better now.
Not a Dr but by the symptoms of itchy and redness sounds like pink eye! Pretty common especially with kids
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Damn, something is wrong if he is more concerned about his friends than his wife!
Probably more like "business" friends and the deal won't go thru if the party's not hosted.. Ugh. I hate men like that and I would hate to have to live a life of "hosting" and "keeping house". I'd rather be out there working and earning my own living.
Load More Replies... Oh no sweetie! I. Sorry but that only looks like he doesn't care about you and puts himself first. Your health is the most important thing, eyes are incredibly delicate that's a common fact. His friends food over your eyesight it worrying. Please, discuss this with him or leave his selfish ass!
My mother does things like this, last time she accused me of manipulating her. I had said "It seems weird to me that you are suddenly intetested in my health, since the last time was over 20 years ago". The manipulation I was accused of was me trying to trick her into saying she loved me and cared about my health rather than discussing her latest vaccine conspiracy. I asked her how it is a bad thing that a daughter wants confirmation that they matter more than her conspiracy theories... I could hear the smirk on her face when I broke down in tears at her further horrible accusations. I don't talk with her as much as possible now.
NTA, but I feel knowing what Country the contributing writer is from would make us understand the story more. Sadly in a few countries. Women's health is not a huge interest in some cultures, to go as far as being denied basic medical care, or obstetrical help. Women are a ornament to some men, for their use as they see fit. Hope the writer is well! And, if your spoiled man- child-husband is more worried about hosting his friends, over the mother of his children, maybe he should get a party planned, and give his poor wife a break!
NTA. Get a lawyer and divorce now. You are not his equal in this relationship, you're his slave and doormat. That will NEVER change if it hasn't changed by now. Tell him he has enough money to order catering, or he can call his mommy to come cook dinner and wipe him and his friends arses for them. Prick. Run, woman, RUN!
So a dr appointment isn't/is less of an emergency than dinner with friends? ok, sure. EDIT: This man is abusive
And then he stays out ALL night and comes back all sulking?!! What an inconsiderate selfish pr!ck!! Because you you had a Dr appointment??!! Run girl! RUN!!
Absolutely NTA. Same as others, red flag. Just to be on the same side: only friends not business associates for dinner? What was their take, when they are your friends, too? When you came home to the empty house, where were your kids? Alone, with your parents (if in the picture) or with him. Get yourself information on womens safe houses WITHOUT him noticing. Most dangerous is when women try to get away from abuse. Until then document and plan. Use cashback on groceries for an emergency supply.
I only have one question. Why is he still your husband. Lose him. What a complete embarrassment of a human being, how selfish that he would put his social needs before your health. Where in your vows does it say that your sickness is to be put on hold for his friends? AND WHY couldn't he get off his lazy ass and host it himself? Is he that much of a f*cking toddler that he can't make food? Anyone who can not cater for their own guests is a complete failure of a human being in my mind (unless you 100% have a disability that stops you from physically preparing food)... but I have a friend who is wheelchair bound who can still make food and coffee. Tell him to go back to his mummy.
My dad sometimes has to beg my mom to go to the doctor because she doesn't think whatever is wrong with her is that big of a deal, so I don't think that he would cancel her appointment for his friends.
My goodness, I hope this woman has good friends and support so she can remove herself from this relationship.
He is so far our of line 1. Do not invite guests over with out consulting wife first. 2. Cancel my appointment and you will need one. 3. He is guilt tripping her blaming her he is the total AH
What are you, his slave? His possession that has do what he wants when he wants? Why didn't he change the night of the dinner? He knew you couldn't accomodate that particular night. Cancelling YOUR appointment was way over the line. I would not have done the dinner even if I was feeling 100% at that point! Why couldn't he host them at a restaurant? JERK. Setting a horrible example for your kids. Get out.
Many years ago I went back to work part/time after caring for our 3 children, keeping house, mowing the lawn, and doing some of the home and car repairs. The oldest was developmentally disabled. My husband said I was lazy and riding the “gravy train”. After starting my job I gave him my whole check except for $7.00 that I kept each week to buy gas to get to work. When I went in for my physical that included a pap smear and breast exam, he refused to pay the deductible after insurance. He said it was too much and not worth it. Why I stayed married to him I cannot understand.
Remember since English isn't her first language and her describing her family life, she could be from a culture where the man is the dominate figure and what he says goes no matter what. Not all cultures have the same marriage equality as most western countries.
Good girl! I hohe Erwartungen learned his lesson! If He didn't, turn aroumd and do it to him!
For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health....you need to marry someone who can make these promises to you and to whom you can make these promises.
Plus what's wrong with his hands? He can't cook or host himself? He needed to have his wife there as a maid? She's not a damn maid, he can host a damn party himself. Inconsiderate you both are. I actually cannot believe you agree with him. Disgusting asf.
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Gotta agree. Is he in a romantic situation with his friends or something that he had to have dinner or his life would be ruined? Grow a set of balls and eat out!
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Absolutely correct! If she ever becomes ill enough to impact her ability to provide the duties to which he is accustomed to, she will quickly be kicked to the curb, treated like a second class citizen, and be lucky if he just quickly leaves and doesn't make her life a living hêll first. I'm speaking from experience. When I contracted Lyme Disease while working with my husband, I wasn't initially aware what was wrong with me. I worked until my body literally and physically gave out. My blood pressure shot up to 180/120 , I was experiencing vertigo, and vomiting, all while driving on the interstate, and passed out as soon as I pulled over stop. I had to stop driving per doctor's orders, and after a few weeks of tests I had several medical diagnoses that kept me home and I was quite ill. It took a couple years to get my Lyme Disease diagnosed but as soon as I couldn't provide for him like usual, I was treated as a second class citizen, denied access to medical care, food, etc. Cont.below
Load More Replies... NTA! A good husband either goes with his wife and tells the friends he has to postpone, or he orders pizza. It's that simple.
Yeah,he could just call them to reschedule bc her wife is sick and im sure his friends (or any sane person) would've understand the minute they're told the reason why. Ugh i hope she left him soon, what a piece of sht
Load More Replies... Your health >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> literally anything else, ever
This is terrible! My wife is stay at home also! I work two jobs, and she keeps the house together! I made vacation plans flights,hotels it took awhile to schedule both jobs off at the same time. We were so excited to finally go away she even made this crazy count down chain! Two weeks to go and she started feeling sick, she never told me didn't want to worry me. Found out through her sister and I got her to her Dr immediately. Women problem that needed surgery could it have waited ...maybe but not a chance, I cancelled the vacation which upset her cause she didn't want to hurt me!!! I'm no hero but my Wife Is the love of my life and will ALWAYS come before anything. She's doing better and started making a new count down chain!!!! This Women's story is extremely upsetting!!!! This man's priorities are all screwed up!!!!
Load More Replies... Stay-at-home moms' job is taking care of the children. It's not being a house elf. Dump the guy.
Why is she questioning herself? Of course, he is an idiot.... I suggest messaging his friends and tell them about what he did... that will teach him if his friends have some sanity...
She will then be the butt of their jokes and labeled crazy. I'm guessing this guys friends are probably a lot like him.
Load More Replies... I see a load of red flags here: she thinks we're going to think she's petty right off the bat (poss gaslighting going on to the length of time that SHE seems petty). Not checking in with his wife (equal partner) about hosting. She doesn't think she contributes equally (again gaslighting). He thinks it's fine to cancel a medical appointment she scheduled before his dinner was planned without talking to her. He has a tantrum. She thinks she might be TAH. Ummmmmm. I don't think I have to say the obvious.
What's wrong with the eyes btw, I really want to know if she's doing better now.
Not a Dr but by the symptoms of itchy and redness sounds like pink eye! Pretty common especially with kids
Load More Replies... Damn, something is wrong if he is more concerned about his friends than his wife!
Probably more like "business" friends and the deal won't go thru if the party's not hosted.. Ugh. I hate men like that and I would hate to have to live a life of "hosting" and "keeping house". I'd rather be out there working and earning my own living.
Load More Replies... Oh no sweetie! I. Sorry but that only looks like he doesn't care about you and puts himself first. Your health is the most important thing, eyes are incredibly delicate that's a common fact. His friends food over your eyesight it worrying. Please, discuss this with him or leave his selfish ass!
My mother does things like this, last time she accused me of manipulating her. I had said "It seems weird to me that you are suddenly intetested in my health, since the last time was over 20 years ago". The manipulation I was accused of was me trying to trick her into saying she loved me and cared about my health rather than discussing her latest vaccine conspiracy. I asked her how it is a bad thing that a daughter wants confirmation that they matter more than her conspiracy theories... I could hear the smirk on her face when I broke down in tears at her further horrible accusations. I don't talk with her as much as possible now.
NTA, but I feel knowing what Country the contributing writer is from would make us understand the story more. Sadly in a few countries. Women's health is not a huge interest in some cultures, to go as far as being denied basic medical care, or obstetrical help. Women are a ornament to some men, for their use as they see fit. Hope the writer is well! And, if your spoiled man- child-husband is more worried about hosting his friends, over the mother of his children, maybe he should get a party planned, and give his poor wife a break!
NTA. Get a lawyer and divorce now. You are not his equal in this relationship, you're his slave and doormat. That will NEVER change if it hasn't changed by now. Tell him he has enough money to order catering, or he can call his mommy to come cook dinner and wipe him and his friends arses for them. Prick. Run, woman, RUN!
So a dr appointment isn't/is less of an emergency than dinner with friends? ok, sure. EDIT: This man is abusive
And then he stays out ALL night and comes back all sulking?!! What an inconsiderate selfish pr!ck!! Because you you had a Dr appointment??!! Run girl! RUN!!
Absolutely NTA. Same as others, red flag. Just to be on the same side: only friends not business associates for dinner? What was their take, when they are your friends, too? When you came home to the empty house, where were your kids? Alone, with your parents (if in the picture) or with him. Get yourself information on womens safe houses WITHOUT him noticing. Most dangerous is when women try to get away from abuse. Until then document and plan. Use cashback on groceries for an emergency supply.
I only have one question. Why is he still your husband. Lose him. What a complete embarrassment of a human being, how selfish that he would put his social needs before your health. Where in your vows does it say that your sickness is to be put on hold for his friends? AND WHY couldn't he get off his lazy ass and host it himself? Is he that much of a f*cking toddler that he can't make food? Anyone who can not cater for their own guests is a complete failure of a human being in my mind (unless you 100% have a disability that stops you from physically preparing food)... but I have a friend who is wheelchair bound who can still make food and coffee. Tell him to go back to his mummy.
My dad sometimes has to beg my mom to go to the doctor because she doesn't think whatever is wrong with her is that big of a deal, so I don't think that he would cancel her appointment for his friends.
My goodness, I hope this woman has good friends and support so she can remove herself from this relationship.
He is so far our of line 1. Do not invite guests over with out consulting wife first. 2. Cancel my appointment and you will need one. 3. He is guilt tripping her blaming her he is the total AH
What are you, his slave? His possession that has do what he wants when he wants? Why didn't he change the night of the dinner? He knew you couldn't accomodate that particular night. Cancelling YOUR appointment was way over the line. I would not have done the dinner even if I was feeling 100% at that point! Why couldn't he host them at a restaurant? JERK. Setting a horrible example for your kids. Get out.
Many years ago I went back to work part/time after caring for our 3 children, keeping house, mowing the lawn, and doing some of the home and car repairs. The oldest was developmentally disabled. My husband said I was lazy and riding the “gravy train”. After starting my job I gave him my whole check except for $7.00 that I kept each week to buy gas to get to work. When I went in for my physical that included a pap smear and breast exam, he refused to pay the deductible after insurance. He said it was too much and not worth it. Why I stayed married to him I cannot understand.
Remember since English isn't her first language and her describing her family life, she could be from a culture where the man is the dominate figure and what he says goes no matter what. Not all cultures have the same marriage equality as most western countries.
Good girl! I hohe Erwartungen learned his lesson! If He didn't, turn aroumd and do it to him!
For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health....you need to marry someone who can make these promises to you and to whom you can make these promises.
Plus what's wrong with his hands? He can't cook or host himself? He needed to have his wife there as a maid? She's not a damn maid, he can host a damn party himself. Inconsiderate you both are. I actually cannot believe you agree with him. Disgusting asf.
Load More Replies... Gotta agree. Is he in a romantic situation with his friends or something that he had to have dinner or his life would be ruined? Grow a set of balls and eat out!
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