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138submissions
Finished
Hey Pandas, What’s Your Best One Liner?
One liners are one of the best forms of comedy. I wanna hear yours!
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#1
Welcome back to plastic surgery addicts anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces, and let me just say I am very disappointed in all of you.
Final score:
107points
RELATED:
#2
I, for one, like Roman numerals.
Final score:
92points
#3
Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.
Final score:
87points
HooowlAtTheMoon 5 years ago
i feel like this would be on one of those "technically true" post pages
#4
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’
Final score:
80points
#5
I don't respect you enough to care about your opinion of me.
Final score:
75points
#6
i got arrested for downloading the whole wikipedia, i told them i could explain everything
Final score:
71points
#7
I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals. I M LIVID
Final score:
71points
#8
If your brains were tnt, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose.
Final score:
61points
#9
My friend said the onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.🧅🥥🧅🥥🧅🥥🧅🥥🧅🥥🧅🥥
Final score:
60points
#10
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Final score:
51points
#11
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what she laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Final score:
50points
#12
I always loved one from the TV Series Castle. "This guy's dropped more pills than a three-fingered pharmacist."
Final score:
49points
#14
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
Final score:
41points
Candia Lee 5 years ago
A Rare Medium Well Done was a promotional slogan for PBS 7 in El Paso. The El Paso sun logo was made of 7s.
#15
Everything is better in moderation, even moderation.
Final score:
36points
Devil's Advocate 5 years ago
Yep, a world without counter-arguments is a boring and broken place
#16
The early bird may get the worm, but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese
Final score:
36points
#17
A theatrical performance about puns is a play on words
Final score:
35points
#18
"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again." (Tim Vine)
Final score:
28points
#19
If brains were elastic, you would not have enough to make garters for a sparrow.
Final score:
26points
#20
A lady I work with kept complaining about how she always had a bad day when everyone else was having a good day. She said she was stuck in Murphy's law. I asked her if she knew what Cole's law was. She didn't. My response, "it's lightly sauced cabbage." Everyone started screaming.
Final score:
25points
#21
Before using the toilet, know exactly where the tie to your bathrobe is.
Final score:
21points
#22
“Do you know What?” “No, but Who is a good friend of mine.”
Final score:
21points
#24
Sometimes "all that glitters is gold" is really tinsel in a pile of dog cr@p.
Final score:
20points
#25
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Final score:
20points
#26
From a book I read, can't remember which one He is one 'et' away from being an asset
Final score:
19points
#27
When I'm so tired that I'm on auto pilot... The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.
Final score:
19points
Calypso poet 5 years ago
This is the best example I've read so far! (That hasn't been heard a million times) slightly morbid with dead animals. Stealing it to use to describe my husband!😂
#28
Some people's birth certificates should be apology letters from the condom factory.
Final score:
19points
#29
What did the hat say to the tie? "You hang around, I'll go on ahead."
Final score:
17points
#30
When somebody tells me to have a nice day, I respond "That's the plan!"
Final score:
16points
Skara Brae 5 years ago
I might respond "And a nice cream." (If that isn't clear to anyone, it sounds like 'an ice cream')
#32
LET ME DRINK ABOUT IT!
Final score:
16points
#33
"I'd rather be a smart ass than a dumbass!" I've been saying that since I was a teen and it still serves me well as a retort. 'Cuz I am a smart ass☺️
Final score:
16points
#34
My circus, my monkeys. Stay outta my business.
Final score:
15points
#36
....and a man accused of hiding himself under a layer of iron oxide has been placed under a rust.
Final score:
13points
#37
You couldn’t find your own ass with both hands.
Final score:
13points
#38
I dreamed I ate a five-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone.
Final score:
12points
Devil's Advocate 5 years ago
You're probably English, we always wake up "spitting feathers" (needing tea)
#39
A man accused of hiding himself inside a giant trifle is being held in custard.
Final score:
11points
#40
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Final score:
11points
#41
Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says "Can you put me up for the night?"
Final score:
10points
#42
I'm here to chew bubblegum and [do whatever I'm going to do], and I'm all out of bubblegum
Final score:
10points
#43
hey girl, you don't just look good, you look lesBIEN (Im a lesbian,its not supposed to be mean)
Final score:
9points
#44
Just recently in a chat room, someone asked if they made Coyote Off (like a repellant spray of some kind) I said, "Sure. You can get it at the same place as Bear Off or Moose Off. They even have one for wild rabbits. It's called Jack Off."
Final score:
9points
#45
He talks so much he should go to On and On Anon
Final score:
9points
#46
I shot an arrow a low hanging clouds, mist.
Final score:
8points
Mary Rose Kent 5 years ago
I think this would work better if you took out the comma and inserted the word “and” in its place
#47
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Final score:
8points
#48
They were handing out brains, they thought they said grains and said no thank you.
Final score:
7points
Stephen Branley 5 years ago
I've always preferred "When they were giving out brains you thought they said milkshakes and asked for a thick one"
#51
I'd rather be resourceful, than smart. Aw heck! ... At my age, I'll take either.
Final score:
7points
#52
Officer: Suspect is naked on the street. Dispatch: Copy that Officer: It's kinda cold
Final score:
7points
#53
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Final score:
5points
#55
Yes, I was wrong once but I divorced him.
Final score:
4points
#56
- You have more fat cells than brain cells - I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm just saying I blame you - I never said you're stupid, I said you lack the ability to be smart
Final score:
4points
#57
I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.
Final score:
4points
#58
You can't cure stupidity but you can sedate it
Final score:
4points
#59
When entitled people ask "Do you know who my father is?"... "No, but ask your mother there's a slim chance she may remember."
Final score:
4points
#60
Not mine, well, Phoebe Buffay's- Oh! I wish could but I don't want to.
Final score:
3points
#61
There are two kinds of people in this world. One, those who can form logical conclusions based on limited data.
Final score:
3points
#62
The ability to speak does not make you intelligent - Qui Gon Jinn
Final score:
3points
#64
Person 1: "I'm afraid of the 15th, 9th, and 3rd letters of the alphabet." Person 2: "Oh, I see." Person 1: *faints*
Final score:
3points
#66
I hate mornings so much I sleep till noon
Final score:
2points
#67
Descartes walks into a restaurant. The waiter asked if he’d like wine with dinner. Descartes said “I don’t think” and disappeared.
Final score:
2points
John Ballin 5 years ago
I heard a slight variation on this joke, where the punchline is him saying, "I think not," but either way, I still find this one hilarious!
#68
When arguing that I am right/always right: "I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken."
Final score:
2points
#69
I'm leaving this world the same way I came into it: screaming and covered in somebody else's blood.
Final score:
2points
#70
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow. The brilliant Tim Vine!
Final score:
1point
#71
A Roman walks into a bar, puts 2 fingers up and says "5 beers please"
Final score:
1point
#72
A snake walked into a bar, the bartender asked "how did you do that?"
Final score:
1point
#73
When I started working for this company, I was young and impoverished. But after forty years of hard work and loyal service, I am no longer young.
Final score:
1point
#75
I stopped calling my toilet the John and started calling it the Jim. My friends are well impressed when I tell them I go the the Jim twice a day! Seen in The Rotherham Bugle
Final score:
1point
#76
I once heard my friend say “are you a coffin cause I’m dying to get inside of you” h actually got the girls number too.😂😂😂
Final score:
1point
#78
Your incompetence is beginning to grow taxing...(I stole this from Underworld and have found it quite useful)
Final score:
0points
#79
Give yourself a break do it since a perfect house isn't going to help our tired bodies only the eyes😁 (an advice I give my friends and mum a lot)
Final score:
0points
#81
Why is a German stone intelligent? Because its not just a stone, it's ein Stein
Final score:
0points
#82
I would tell you a joke about noble gases but it wouldn’t get a reaction What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can helium and you can’t curium you may as well barium To people walked into a bar. One asked for h2o. The other asked for h2o too. He wasn’t specific enough. He promptly died. Knowledge is power kids. Yay. Long live the nerds.
Final score:
0points
#83
I hate my social media accounts. I hope they blow up.
Final score:
0points
#86
There is no "I" in team, but there is a "u" in F$#k you.
Final score:
0points
#87
You go to an American bathroom and suddenly, you're a Russian. When you come out, you're Finnished
Final score:
0points
#88
(someone commenting on a woman's practically theoretical dress) "I've seen more cotton in an aspirin bottle."
Final score:
0points
#89
If you wake up and smell the roses chances are you’ve been buried alive.
Final score:
0points
Concept-Peter Roosdorp 5 years ago
Not really, most roses have very little smell, so you need to be very close to the flower in order to smell it at all.
#90
If some one says to me "Drive safely" I reply "I will drive as I want to" Or "Sleep well" I reply " I will sleep as I want to" All with a very serious and indignant face. :) Then I smile.
Final score:
0points
#91
If someone is weareing a very bright or off beat shirt or shoes etc I always say " You can wear that shirt/shoes/tie etc with any thing" Then I pause to see how their face lights up and feel proud, then I reply the second part "Because it goes with nothing." :)
Final score:
0points
#92
A guy was so lazy that he got up at 3 am so he would be able to do nothing for a longer period of time.
Final score:
0points
#93
We went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog there. It was a s**t zoo! Everything is getting smaller or an inferior quality. Terry’s Chocolate Orange is now a chocolate satsuma. Innuendo – an Italian enema. We used to cough to hide a fart, now during covid we fart to hide a cough. Those three little words to keep your wife happy – you’re right dear!
Final score:
0points
#94
Get someone else’s life -- yours is not working. You ask if he had any enemies? Do you have a phone book? Don’t be so open minded that your brains fall out! A guy said he wanted to get into my pants. Not possible, I said, there’s only room for one asshole and I’m it! A guy said, “If you ain’t from Texas, you ain’t s**t.” I felt bad, but then wondered if I would have felt any better if he said I was s**t. Have you been to Area 51? Not that I remember. Customer at a drive thru window: Is Jack here? Server: No, Jack’s off tonight. Date said: I can’t tell you what I do for a living and then let you live. Me: Well, can you hint at it and just beat me up? Fired at the guy, missed his ear by 3” -- yup, got him right between the eyes. I did fire a warning shot through his liver. The car could stop on a dime. Unfortunately, the dime was in some guy’s pocket. You look tired. Let me hold your wallet. I am single by choice. You, however, are being rejected. I’m really an asshole but this is my day off.
Final score:
0points
#95
I shoot in the low 70's, gets any colder than that, I don't go out.
Final score:
0points
#96
How come you're late so soon? you used to be behind before but now you're finally first at last
Final score:
0points
#97
Not me, but one of my friends. I was telling him about the time I went behind the bleachers and saw some clueless couple doing IT....and he said, "Would be good practice for when I'm an adult." It was two weeks ago. I'm 13 and he's 14.
Final score:
0points
#99
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. - Groucho Marx
Final score:
0points
#100
I encourage friends with this classic line from Rodney Dangerfield [google him]: "Look out for number one and try not to step in number two."
Final score:
0points
#101
Tell me something I don't know about you.. Like you phone number
Final score:
-1point
#102
I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.
Final score:
-1point
#103
I’m an acquired taste, if you don’t like me, acquire some taste.
Final score:
-1point
#104
What makes you think evolution cares whether or not you believe in it.
Final score:
-1point
#105
Most people get mad when a sentence doesnt end like its potato
Final score:
-1point
#106
When they were handing out brains, you thought they said 'rain' and ran for the porch.
Final score:
-1point
#107
I almost went on America’s Got Talent until I realized I was the one that was supposed to have talent to go :-(
Final score:
-1point
#108
I went to the doctor. All he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr. Acula ~ Mitch Hedberg
Final score:
-1point
#109
Eagles soar high, but weasles don't get stuck in jet engines.
Final score:
-1point
#110
I could only think of this one, though it was dumb. What's up? - The sky (or the ceiling)
Final score:
-2points
Deanna Crichley 5 years ago
When I ask my SO what's up? He always says 'a chicken's butt when she eats'.
#112
"not my circus, not my monkey".......... or "la-dee-frickin'-da"
Final score:
-2points
#113
Being a smart a$$ only proves that an a$$ can occasionally be intelligent.
Final score:
-2points
#115
Context: Cop busted a guy for painting a guy red and blowing up his house "Unless you wanna see if your blood is tuscan red, I'd recommend you stay put."
Final score:
-2points
#117
Have ya ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight ?!!?
Final score:
-3points
#118
Hey buddy you got a match? Yes, your face and my bum.
Final score:
-3points
#119
A seal walked into a club.
Final score:
-3points
#120
I live on a ranch. This means I know the difference between horse s**t and bull s**t. This place is a powder keg and these people are a match away. When I look at you, I think, THATS the sperm that won? You are what happens when there is no life guard at the gene pool. Some people are young and foolish, at least you still have foolish. Till I spoke to you I didn’t know stupid was a career option. ( These are just a few off the top of my head. I was born and raised in NJ. Sarcasm is our Kung Fu … and it is strong grasshoppers. )
Final score:
-3points
Concept-Peter Roosdorp 5 years ago
Irony is claiming kung fu sarcasm and getting -3 upvotes and ranked 120.
#121
A dwarf prisoner escaped becoming a Small Medium at Large
Final score:
-3points
#122
Is must be hard going through life being so nasty all the time.
Final score:
-4points
#123
-You are absotively, posolutely correct because pobody's nerfect! -Huked on fonics werked fer mee -How about a department of common sense? -The beatings will continue until morale improves -The bureaucracy will expand to meet the needs of the expanding bureaucracy! -What is the first law of a bureaucracy? Survival. -Department of redundancy department. -That boy is about as sharp as a bag of wet mice!
Final score:
-4points
#124
[someone saying f*ck you] me: you would want to wouldnt you?
Final score:
-4points
What do you think ?
Mz Phit 5 years ago
Yeah, cursed at its origins.....with the original request to "HERE" other stories... not a great way to start
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Mz Phit 5 years ago
Yeah, cursed at its origins.....with the original request to "HERE" other stories... not a great way to start
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