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OK so, I am thinking of writing a manga-inspired comic series about a 16-year-old girl (not sure what her name will be yet) who lives on a small but populated island (think London but a lot lot smaller and surrounded by the sea) in the Atlantic in 1910. I want her parents to be dead solely for the purpose of not having to write them out but I want their will to be massive. So, she goes to a boarding school and helps out a farmer on the side. One day, one of the cattle is missing and the farmer asks for her to find her. She walks down to the beach only to find a girl her age in a bikini (bikinis were rare back then) speaking a foreign language, with her 5-year-old child, naked, eating the cow. (please ignore the fact that she gave birth as a preteen, it's relevant to the story). So due to the island's strict animal cruelty laws (I know people ate meat back then, don't judge) of never killing an animal for consumption purposes, she grabs a bat and starts hitting the girl and her kid and dumps them into the sea (please ignore this, my mind is vivid af). Then, she finds a box (I want a small dragon to be inside that box), and then my mind goes blank. I know it's a vivid and twisted opening but can you please help a fellow panda out?
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#1
I am sorry, but all this seems confusing to me, lots of odd details that are not necessary or just weird? Why the year 1910? Is the date relevant? Is this island based on one in reality, or is it a fantasy island? With someone in a bikini, it does not sound like London, somewhere more tropical? The girl is at boarding school but also helps a farmer is an odd combo? I assume you have a reason, but wouldn't the school having stables, or gardens to maintain within the grounds which as a student, your character would be able to help the staff at weekends? Presumably you want this girl to be down earth despite being rich and in a boarding school? You have to explain the cruelty laws, is this a Buddhist country? Is everyone vegan? Or are the laws based on a religion made up for your story? Why would the girl carry a bat? In a country where animal are so protected, it seems to be contradictory that you could beat people to death? One side the culture is caring, the other side the culture would allow people to be beaten to death?
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Juls 6 months ago
Bikinis were not "rare" then, they weren't invented until the 40s. I personally could not read a story where the MC beats a 5 year old child in a city with, apparently, no judicial system, save for vigilantes. I think you should focus on the main plot, rather than this opening scene, which is coming off a bit nonsensical when taken out of context. Who is the MC? What does she want? What stands in her way? What will happen if she does not get what she wants?
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#2
Sorry, I do not want to dissuade anyone from their art, maybe you have reasons for everything, but it just seems contradictory to me. And without getting a sense of what the story is about, where it will ultimately lead, it is hard to suggest what might happen.
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#3
I assumed the girl best the young mother and child to death, sorry you did not say that, are the young mother and child alive? Even so an extreme response to physically beat another young girl and her child? If the main character is to be the hero of the story, someone we should cheer for, I am not sure you could do enough to justify such extreme action?
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#4
Okay. Suggestion. The alien and child are eating on the beach which angers the local community who are strict vegans for religious reasons. The school girl tried concerned the alien, which makes the schoolgirl a sympathetic character, but the angry job overwhelm then. She schoolgirl discovers a satchel containing a machine of unknown origin, this is alien tech, the Dragon is a hologram, AI companion to the alien mother, now in the hands of the schoolgirl. The schoolgirl can then befriend the Dragon, and try to find the alien mother, who had fled with the child from the mob. Killing a mother and child at the start of a story over a misunderstanding is too harsh.
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#5
Okay, another attempt, the aliens are refugees, generally low tech and abandoned, whose habits are looked down upon by the islanders. The girl, your anti hero, hates these aliens and used them eating an animal as an excuse to k**l them. Upon searching the bodies she comes across some old client tech they were holding on to. This generates a holographic AI in the form of a dragon. The dragon, tasks the girl to make up for her crimes by fighting for the poor, refugee aliens, fighting those who have and exploit them. Knowing the girl is a sociopath, the Dragon takes advantage of her, and used her lack of morals to fight in behalf of those that need it, in the hope of redeeming herself, for the deaths of two innocents she caused.
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#6
I am going to tap out of this thread. I obviously am not getting it. I hope you work it out though, wishing success for you.
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