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36 Non-Toxic Ways To Spot A Guy Who’s Completely Secure In His Masculinity
Interview With Expert
With the increasing awareness of toxic masculinity in this day and age, what it means to “be a man” isn’t the same as it used to be. What may have been scoffed at in the past may be praised and lauded today.
To clear the confusion, the ever-opinionated people of Reddit gave their take when they answered the question, “What's a good sign a dude is secure in his masculinity?” Answers poured in as users provided their own definitions, many of which defy what a self-proclaimed “alpha male” would say about himself.
Read through these responses, and feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below! You will also find our interview with Jorge Arteaga, VP of Movement at Right To Be. He and his team have been helping victims of harassment and violence in all forms, doing their part to further social change.
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#1
My dad was a stay-at-home father and worked part-time nights and weekends. Completely against traditional norms in the 90s-2000s (especially in the south).
I remember growing up, kids would say that my dad was really my 'mom' and would poke fun at him taking on that role.
But he knew my mom loved her career, and his career was long long hours so something had to give. And he sacrificed his career.
To me there’s nothing more masculine than putting your partner and family first, regardless of what is traditional or what others think.
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#2
He doesn’t obsess over it or develop weird rules about what “real” men do. He doesn’t refer to himself as an alpha male.
Nothing screams insecurity like a dude desperately trying to convince everyone how masculine he is.
#3
He's not afraid to express his feelings, whether it's joy, sadness, or fear. He knows that being vulnerable doesn't diminish his strength.
Society had been mainly patriarchal for decades, and toxic masculinity was almost a norm among heterosexual men. According to Jorge, the concept has been around since the 1980s, but society only became aware of it through the rise of social media in the 2010s.
Efforts like the #MeToo and #TimesUp movement also helped spread awareness about such distasteful behavior.
“When celebrities, sports, and artists started to talk about being emotionally vulnerable and the need to change what it means to be a man, these issues were talked about in places they hadn't been before,” Jorge told Bored Panda.
#4
A middle school teacher told me “only a boy cares about being called a man. A man doesn’t care what he is called.”.
#5
He doesn't need everything to be a competition, especially with women. He's just fine with women who are smarter than he is and who make more money, and he's perfectly happy to listen to them without needing to try to talk over them to preserve his ego.
#6
He’s comfortable helping with household chores. Male relatives s**t on my husband for cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, and (gasp) making my plate at dinner sometimes, but he just ignores them. It’s nice being with a man who understands that it’s everyone’s responsibility to care for the home, not just those with two X chromosomes.
We can’t really fault all men for these toxic behaviors. As Jorge noted, these were rooted in the “traditional” ideas of manhood, where parents raise their sons to control their emotions, be dominant, and put less value on things that are “feminine.”
However, we can’t deny that these traits are toxic. As Jorge points out, they negatively affect everyone.
“Masculinity isn't bad in and of itself, but toxic masculinity and its strict standards hurt everyone, including men, by telling them they can’t feel. It stops us from being vulnerable, having empathy, and truly expressing our feelings,” he said.
#8
I'm planning on being a stay-at-home Dad. It just makes sense when my partner earns more than me and is career-driven.
Some of my mates were giving me sh*t that I'm not a man if I'm not providing for my family. I honestly couldn't care if that's what they think.
I imagine a lot of men would jump at the opportunity to be a stay at home Dad.
#9
He can be around people of all sexual orientations and not be up tight or treat others less than.
We love confident masculinity.
Don’t have to prove anything if you know it within.
Why do “alphas” act the way they do? Jorge points to society’s expectations, which, of course, include the opposite sex. Parenting from decades ago also ignited these flames, with many using statements like “crying like a little girl” or “Are you a man or a mouse?”
“In my experience, one sees that these lessons are reinforced by how families work,” Jorge explained. “Peer pressure, the media, and national stories that link being a man with being strong, nonemotional, and controlling all the time.”
#10
I’ll use my dad as an example.
He pursues his interests no matter what they may be.
My dad was a butcher and a car mechanic. He trained in the armed forces.
He also learned to sew, embroider, cook, bake, style hair, garden and emboss leather.
He could fix a broken sink, tune up the car, do the laundry, iron his shirts, make the bed change the baby’s diaper, bake a cake and cook dinner.
No one ever questioned his manliness, though that might because he could also tear your arm off and beat senseless you with it.
#11
My husband and I went to a gay bar for a friend’s birthday. Two different guys came up and gave him little gifts and a flirt. He took it as a compliment. That’s being secure.
Toxic masculinity may also be a product of unpleasant reactions to the pain brought on by the inability to express oneself freely. Jorge notes that men are also a product of “systems” that make them who they are.
“When people act this way, it's usually because they are in pain, feel pressured by society, or don't have the tools or support to express themselves in healthy ways,” he said.
#13
Not being so obsessed with 'disrespect'. Being able to let it roll off your back when someone slights you, and not having to have a loud confrontation about it.
That doesn’t mean be a pushover or never stand up for yourself. All I’m saying is, when the drunk guy at the bar stumbles into you, no need to get into a bar fight.
Don’t scream at the jerk who steals your parking spot. Pick your battles—not everything is an affront to your masculinity.
#15
Confidently expressing yourself, wherever you land on the spectrum of masculinity/femininity. That’s peak to me.
The bright side is that men today are moving away from destructive behaviors, and the healthy and secure behaviors displayed in these stories are slowly becoming a norm. But can toxic masculinity be eradicated from society? Jorge believes it would be a tall ask but not impossible.
As he explained, it may be challenging to eradicate, similar to racism, where a group of people will always hold such ideologies. However, what’s important is that the greater majority takes a stand against it.
“The idea is progress, not perfection,” Jorge stated. “And so we have to keep having the conversations and understand that changing hearts and minds takes time.”
#17
Is a true ally to women and minorities. Show politeness and kindness to complete strangers. Acts as equal to others at all things. Treats those in service jobs as humans who are trying their damnedest to get through the day. Ummm…what else. Oh yeah, don’t listen to garbage podcasts from “Alpha male” wannabes, who are so insecure it is embarrassing to listen to.
#18
Not having to play tit-for-tat or having to get even for every real or perceived slight. Road ragers, talking specifically to you.
#19
You have to be strong to be a man because it takes great strength to be genuinely kind. The hallmark of a true man is kindness. All manliness springs from kindness. Yes.....even courage.
#20
Calm and collected. Doesn't lash out at the slightest of provocation. Doesn't call himself an "alpha male". Doesn't put others down to seem better. Takes responsibility when he f***s up. Humble.
God do I not miss being a teenager. All of these are basically the opposite of a guy I knew. From what I hear from mutual friends, he hasn't changed much.
#21
He’ll carry around any and all girly stuff for his SO and/or daughters, in public, without question, and seem genuinely pleased to have the opportunity to help them out by doing so.
I’ve known dudes that wouldn’t touch a woman’s purse or even shopping bag, not even temporarily to free up her hands for something she needs to do. No one’s going to *seriously* think it’s yours, and to the a-hole who has to joke, “Nice purse!”, you can just reply, “Thanks! I’ll pass the compliment along to my wife! I agree, she’s got excellent taste.”.
#25
He knows how to cook, clean, and perform basic hygiene and does’t consider those basic life skills to be “women’s work.”.
#30
I don't know. A good indicator would honestly be the opinion of those around him.
The best compliment of my recent years was from a female coworker. Someone was making a joke about me, and she said, "No baby, that's a real man. Y'all don't know"
I've been thinking about that. Not for myself. But how we can uplift each other and build each other up. Knowledge, emotionally, spiritually, etc.
#32
He will let his daughters paint his fingernails and toenails and put pink ribbons in his hair or his beard. Not one milimeter of insecurity there!
Extra points if he goes to work and shows his co-workers the next day. :).
#33
They embrace a little femininity. Seriously. A guy who's insecure will never even *joke* in a way that could make them seem slightly feminine for the duration of the joke. A guy who's secure will felate their breakfast burrito because it makes the first guy uncomfortable.
Edit: surprising number of replies seem to be completely missing the point. The point is that one of the ways you can tell if a guy is secure is that they have no problems doing things that are traditionally seen as very unmanly. I am not saying this is the only form it takes. I am not saying they feel they have to do this to prove something - the entire point is the opposite - they do not feel the need to prove something so they aren't limiting themselves to only stuff that curates a traditionally manly persona. It should have also been obvious that this is not specific to a burrito-job, that's a funny example to illustrate the idea. I can't believe I used to think reading comprehension was a waste of time in schools. .
#34
He doesn't feel the need to conform with something just because it's traditionally "masculine" if he doesn't want to.
#36
Not asking what is a good sign that a dude is secure in his masculinity is the first step in not being a little weenie.
What do you think ?
Nikole 1 year ago
Hey BP, bring back the notifications. What do you think will happen to your ad revenue when the amount of users on this site gets halved? And, what, like 10 users have subscribed to premium? I’ll waive hello to you from Reddit, where you get most of your content from anyway. And I won’t be the only one.
Janissary35680 1 year ago
I'm a Premium user and the notifications button is missing for me too. Something else is going on.
Load More Replies... Nikole 1 year ago
Hey BP, bring back the notifications. What do you think will happen to your ad revenue when the amount of users on this site gets halved? And, what, like 10 users have subscribed to premium? I’ll waive hello to you from Reddit, where you get most of your content from anyway. And I won’t be the only one.
Janissary35680 1 year ago
I'm a Premium user and the notifications button is missing for me too. Something else is going on.
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