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Man Asks “[Am I The Jerk] For Telling My Vegan Girlfriend That I Will Not Stop Using Butter?”
Man Asks “[Am I The Jerk] For Telling My Vegan Girlfriend That I Will Not Stop Using Butter?”
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Man Asks “[Am I The Jerk] For Telling My Vegan Girlfriend That I Will Not Stop Using Butter?”

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You can be in love with a person, have fun spending time with them and find it interesting to talk with them, but it’s the little things from daily routines that can put a damper on the whole relationship and make you question your future together.

For this man on Reddit, it is cooking food. He and his girlfriend take turns, but she is completely vegan and he isn’t, so cooking for one another causes arguments and the boyfriend thinks his girlfriend shouldn’t complain about his dishes when it’s his turn to cook.

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    This couple takes disagreeing on what to eat to another level and needs the internet’s opinion

    Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)

    Because one of them is vegan and the other is not, although the non-vegan boyfriend tries to adjust to his girlfriend as much as he can

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    Image credits: u/Lemon Lopsided3498

    The one thing he can’t give up in his cooked meals is butter, but the problem is that they cook for each other alternating days

    Image credits: Felicity Tai (not the actual photo)

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    Image credits: u/Lemon Lopsided3498

    So the vegan girlfriend can’t eat her boyfriend’s cooked meals, but if he doesn’t cook non-vegan meals, then he is kind of forced into a vegan diet

    Image credits: August de Richelieu (not the actual photo)

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    Image credits: u/Lemon Lopsided3498

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    He thinks that he has given up enough of the foods he likes because of his girlfriend and feels it’s not fair to be expected to cook without butter

    When the Original Poster (OP) started to date his girlfriend, she was vegetarian and during their relationship, she became vegan and now does not make any exceptions. The boyfriend is not vegan or vegetarian, and though most of the time he avoids meat, he’ll eat it on holidays. He will actually avoid animal products in general because of his girlfriend, but he still eats eggs and dairy products.

    As the couple takes turns cooking for one another, this becomes an issue as indirectly, the OP is forced to be a vegan because when his girlfriend cooks, she’ll prepare vegan dishes and when the boyfriend cooks, he can’t use anything that is not vegan so the woman can eat it.

    But there is one non-vegan product that the man can’t stop using and it is butter. He has reduced his animal-derived product intake significantly since he started dating his girlfriend and was upset that she would force him to quit using butter as well.

    To that, the girlfriend responds that the OP is not respecting her choice to be vegan because that means she can’t eat butter and he puts it in his meals that he prepares for both of them.

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    It’s hard to call someone in this situation a jerk because it is true that the girlfriend made an ethical choice to get rid of anything that is animal-derived in her life and consuming butter would be going against her values.

    On the other hand, you can’t force someone else into your lifestyle, but the boyfriend doesn’t get to eat any meat or animal products neither when he cooks nor when the girlfriend cooks.

    People in the comments suggested both of them cook for themselves, which would end the argument, but some of them also thought that the couple might not be compatible. Although most of them were on the boyfriend’s side, because they felt that the girlfriend consciously or unconsciously was forcing him to be vegan.

    Image credits: Tima Miroshnichenko (not the actual photo)

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    Faunalytics describes a relationship in which only one of the partners is vegan “a unique dynamic.” It is because a lot of couples see having a meal, especially dinner, together as “significant in affirming their identity as a couple and nurturing the relationship.”

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    But even when both of the spouses are non-vegan, they tend to have disagreements over what to eat. Caron Bove’s research showed that there is that one partner in a marriage who compromises more than the other, and it is more often the woman, despite women doing most of the food work.

    So you can imagine how hard it is for those couples in which one of them has dietary restrictions, whether it’s by choice or necessity. But there is a chance to make the relationship work and avoid arguments over food.

    Insider collected a few tips that should help love and respect overshadow food differences, and they start from advising couples to not judge one another because nutrition is extremely personal. Which is why you also can’t force someone to be vegan, because it will lead to conflict unless they are already interested.

    When it comes to eating out, you should find places that cater to both of your diets, and if you cook together and want to eat the same dish, there are recipes that can easily be both vegan and non-vegan alike by substituting something.

    Also, there are so many foods that you wouldn’t think are vegan by the nature of them, like Oreos. Cookies are something you can enjoy together whether you’re vegan or not. What could also help is allowing the vegan partner to eat out with vegan friends and talk about their lifestyle with those who are living the same experience as them.

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    And no relationship advice list can be complete without mentioning communication: “If you feel like your partner isn’t taking you to restaurants that have vegan options, let them know. If they feel like you’re forcing them to adopt the diet, they should also let you know. At the end of the day, it’s only food — what’s important is that you and your partner work together to make it work for both of you.”

    Do you think the couple in the story can work it out? Do you think they have more problems than just their shared dinners? How would you solve their dilemma? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.

    Many people interpreted the girlfriend’s behavior as trying to force her boyfriend to be vegan and thought the most simple solution would be to cook separately

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    Jurgita Dominauskaitė

    Jurgita Dominauskaitė

    Writer, BoredPanda staff

    Read more »

    Having started as a content creator that made articles for Bored Panda from scratch I climbed my way up to being and editor and then had team lead responsibilities added as well. So it was a pretty natural transition from writing articles and titles as well as preparing the visual part for the articles to making sure others are doing those same tasks as I did before well, answering their questions and guiding them when needed. Eventually I realized editing gives me the most enjoyment and I'm focusing only on that right now.

    Read less »
    Jurgita Dominauskaitė

    Jurgita Dominauskaitė

    Writer, BoredPanda staff

    Having started as a content creator that made articles for Bored Panda from scratch I climbed my way up to being and editor and then had team lead responsibilities added as well. So it was a pretty natural transition from writing articles and titles as well as preparing the visual part for the articles to making sure others are doing those same tasks as I did before well, answering their questions and guiding them when needed. Eventually I realized editing gives me the most enjoyment and I'm focusing only on that right now.

    What do you think ?
    Junebugjump!
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This seems like a growing trend... and the newest type of mixed 'marriage.' I like that he's eating eggs from chickens raised at home. I've had conflict with vegan friends over this. Why? The chickens lay eggs daily anyway. They're not fertilized, so they're not going to develop into chickens. My chickens were pets that fed me. No abuse. Had free range all day in the yard. Went to the vet and deeply loved.

    Fantastic Mr Fox
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Two arguments I’ve heard. One is that it puts a strain on the chicken to lay the many eggs. The other is that in egg production half of the animals are males and are killed as they can’t lay eggs. You are right as a private person with your own chickens you can make sure the animals are treated well.

    Load More Replies...
    Sami-Jo Ross
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I have a feeling this relationship is about to go to the crapper.

    Fat Harry
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    And that crapper's going to stink when the vegan has finished with it.

    Load More Replies...
    Squirrelly Panda
    Community Member
    Premium
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Simple solution, they still cook every other day for two, but the second meal will be for their own dinner the next day. That way she eats her fresh cooked vegan meal while he eats his leftover butter meal, then the next day he has a fresh meal, she has leftovers. They each still cook every other day and they each eat what they want.

    crowspectre (he/they)
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Oooh I like this one. It's complicated. I'd go with both ESH and NAH. GF shouldn't be forcing OP to change their eating and cooking habits, but OP shouldn't be making GF eat butter (violating her morals) or eat nothing (unhealthy). Neither is incredibly s****y here, which is great. The best option should be GF making her own smaller meals when OP makes non-vegan meals, and maybe OP making vegan meals occasionally to take the pressure off her with cooking.

    Spalding Monn
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I have been a vegetarian since I was 19 so for many decades. I'm not a vegan by choice because I love my butter and eggs ( amd my dairy.) I never ask anyone to compromise their diet to accommodate me... particularly my meat eating partner and two children. I make vegatarian food at the same time.as i feed my family. No big deal. They've had many vegatarian meals but never forced to. The vegan sounds manipulative and immature. If you do stay together then I strongly recommend you each cook for yourselves. However, I think that OP should just drop this dead wood. You're beliefs aren't being respected.

    Load More Replies...
    Livingwithcfs
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    NTA. This trend to becoming a militant vegan is just so over the top and extremely unnecessary. If she is that worried about then she should cook her own meals. I became vegetarian aged 15 and cooked all my own meals from that date because my family didn't want to follow me. It's my problem so it's up to me to fix it. That was 40 years ago and I've never had issues cooking my food when others are making meals they like and sharing what I cook. Its call being a grown up

    Argle Bargle
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Now that's the outlook. We're all responsible for our own choices......which, sadly, is turning into "I think this way, so you need to change"

    Load More Replies...
    Bobbie
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The comments are so silly. "She can't force you to be vegan but if you rotate cooking then you should both cook something to meet the others dietary restrictions." So then we are forcing him to go vegan because every meal he makes has to be vegan for her and shes obviously always going to make a vegan meal.

    Fantastic Mr Fox
    Community Member
    2 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I personally don’t think their relationship can be saved even cooking separately. I see your point though. But what if it was dog meat? To me at lot of people seem baffled because they don’t understand what could be the problem with eating or preparing or having someone else eat non-vegan meals. So I suggest let’s think dog meat and see if it changes the perception. But also I don’t really have this problem personally and neither have you I guess, so it’s a bit theoretical.

    Load More Replies...
    Bobbie
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    And anyone who is saying "just add the butter after" knows nothing about cooking... Butter is used for more than just spreading on toast or potatoes lmao

    Kalpana M
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Cook separate meals. Have what u love eating. Simple. GF is free to accept vegan lifestyle and follow diligently. OP needn't force himself to change his dietary requirements more than he has done. Definitely it pricks if only one of them has to change everything while the other has nothing to lose anyway. Don't cook shared meals or split cooking. Then nobody suffers.

    Stay Off My Lawn
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    NTA. Veganism is a *choice*. If you don’t want to eat what someone else cooks for you *for free*, cook for yourself.

    censorshipsucks
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Still unfair to force her to use an animal product. I'm not a vegan but I support their choice 100%. I am always impressed by their moral commitment to their principles.

    Load More Replies...
    Kyle Norton
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    His GF made the decision to be vegan overnight. I feel like that alone counters out any argument for OP being the AH given she just dumped this on him and he did his best to accommodate without any conversation about it. She's the problem here and needs to really think about what she wants from this and why she's doing it then both need to have a sit down and figure this out. Especially given that OP seems to have already been raising animals so all signs point to her jumping on a random diet and forcing OP to change his diet/ cooking habits for her. Sounds like if she wants to continue down this road then OP and her will probably not be compatible.

    Keadeen Murphy
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Nobody decides to go vegan over night. Vegetarian yes. But being vegan, paticulary a healthy vegan, requires a lot of thought and planning. I have to imagine that it was something she thought about for a long time, and reserched before jumping into it. It really sounds like communication is the bigger issue here. The fact he didn't know she wanted to go vegan means it feels like an overnight decision to him. I don't think he needs to give up all animal prodects, but they need to then each just cook for themselves, or he could try accommodate her some of the time and give her a heads up on days he is planning on using butter or eggs. She should also be willing to accept that she may need to cook more for herself, or take over more cooking in general.

    Load More Replies...
    Load More Comments
    Junebugjump!
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This seems like a growing trend... and the newest type of mixed 'marriage.' I like that he's eating eggs from chickens raised at home. I've had conflict with vegan friends over this. Why? The chickens lay eggs daily anyway. They're not fertilized, so they're not going to develop into chickens. My chickens were pets that fed me. No abuse. Had free range all day in the yard. Went to the vet and deeply loved.

    Fantastic Mr Fox
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Two arguments I’ve heard. One is that it puts a strain on the chicken to lay the many eggs. The other is that in egg production half of the animals are males and are killed as they can’t lay eggs. You are right as a private person with your own chickens you can make sure the animals are treated well.

    Load More Replies...
    Sami-Jo Ross
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I have a feeling this relationship is about to go to the crapper.

    Fat Harry
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    And that crapper's going to stink when the vegan has finished with it.

    Load More Replies...
    Squirrelly Panda
    Community Member
    Premium
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Simple solution, they still cook every other day for two, but the second meal will be for their own dinner the next day. That way she eats her fresh cooked vegan meal while he eats his leftover butter meal, then the next day he has a fresh meal, she has leftovers. They each still cook every other day and they each eat what they want.

    crowspectre (he/they)
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Oooh I like this one. It's complicated. I'd go with both ESH and NAH. GF shouldn't be forcing OP to change their eating and cooking habits, but OP shouldn't be making GF eat butter (violating her morals) or eat nothing (unhealthy). Neither is incredibly s****y here, which is great. The best option should be GF making her own smaller meals when OP makes non-vegan meals, and maybe OP making vegan meals occasionally to take the pressure off her with cooking.

    Spalding Monn
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I have been a vegetarian since I was 19 so for many decades. I'm not a vegan by choice because I love my butter and eggs ( amd my dairy.) I never ask anyone to compromise their diet to accommodate me... particularly my meat eating partner and two children. I make vegatarian food at the same time.as i feed my family. No big deal. They've had many vegatarian meals but never forced to. The vegan sounds manipulative and immature. If you do stay together then I strongly recommend you each cook for yourselves. However, I think that OP should just drop this dead wood. You're beliefs aren't being respected.

    Load More Replies...
    Livingwithcfs
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    NTA. This trend to becoming a militant vegan is just so over the top and extremely unnecessary. If she is that worried about then she should cook her own meals. I became vegetarian aged 15 and cooked all my own meals from that date because my family didn't want to follow me. It's my problem so it's up to me to fix it. That was 40 years ago and I've never had issues cooking my food when others are making meals they like and sharing what I cook. Its call being a grown up

    Argle Bargle
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Now that's the outlook. We're all responsible for our own choices......which, sadly, is turning into "I think this way, so you need to change"

    Load More Replies...
    Bobbie
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The comments are so silly. "She can't force you to be vegan but if you rotate cooking then you should both cook something to meet the others dietary restrictions." So then we are forcing him to go vegan because every meal he makes has to be vegan for her and shes obviously always going to make a vegan meal.

    Fantastic Mr Fox
    Community Member
    2 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I personally don’t think their relationship can be saved even cooking separately. I see your point though. But what if it was dog meat? To me at lot of people seem baffled because they don’t understand what could be the problem with eating or preparing or having someone else eat non-vegan meals. So I suggest let’s think dog meat and see if it changes the perception. But also I don’t really have this problem personally and neither have you I guess, so it’s a bit theoretical.

    Load More Replies...
    Bobbie
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    And anyone who is saying "just add the butter after" knows nothing about cooking... Butter is used for more than just spreading on toast or potatoes lmao

    Kalpana M
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Cook separate meals. Have what u love eating. Simple. GF is free to accept vegan lifestyle and follow diligently. OP needn't force himself to change his dietary requirements more than he has done. Definitely it pricks if only one of them has to change everything while the other has nothing to lose anyway. Don't cook shared meals or split cooking. Then nobody suffers.

    Stay Off My Lawn
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    NTA. Veganism is a *choice*. If you don’t want to eat what someone else cooks for you *for free*, cook for yourself.

    censorshipsucks
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Still unfair to force her to use an animal product. I'm not a vegan but I support their choice 100%. I am always impressed by their moral commitment to their principles.

    Load More Replies...
    Kyle Norton
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    His GF made the decision to be vegan overnight. I feel like that alone counters out any argument for OP being the AH given she just dumped this on him and he did his best to accommodate without any conversation about it. She's the problem here and needs to really think about what she wants from this and why she's doing it then both need to have a sit down and figure this out. Especially given that OP seems to have already been raising animals so all signs point to her jumping on a random diet and forcing OP to change his diet/ cooking habits for her. Sounds like if she wants to continue down this road then OP and her will probably not be compatible.

    Keadeen Murphy
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Nobody decides to go vegan over night. Vegetarian yes. But being vegan, paticulary a healthy vegan, requires a lot of thought and planning. I have to imagine that it was something she thought about for a long time, and reserched before jumping into it. It really sounds like communication is the bigger issue here. The fact he didn't know she wanted to go vegan means it feels like an overnight decision to him. I don't think he needs to give up all animal prodects, but they need to then each just cook for themselves, or he could try accommodate her some of the time and give her a heads up on days he is planning on using butter or eggs. She should also be willing to accept that she may need to cook more for herself, or take over more cooking in general.

    Load More Replies...
    Load More Comments
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