Woman Asks If It’d Be A Jerk Move To Miss Her Brother’s 40th Birthday Because They Banned Her “Aggressive” German Shepherd From Their House
Big dogs, small dogs, old ones, yappy ones – we love them regardless; however, no matter how confusing it might seem, it just so happens that some people might not be quite as fond of your fluffy family member.
Take this Redditor’s sister-in-law, for instance! The last time the author of the post and her 3-year-old German shepherd visited, the woman stepped on her tail, which prompted “Lou” to bark pretty loudly. The incident earned the doggo a reputation as an “aggressive dog” and even led to her being banned from their house.
More info: Reddit | Nicole Wilde | Sherri Regalbuto
This woman’s dog suffers from separation anxiety and can’t be left alone for long
Image credits: Людмила Шалимова (not the actual image)
She was set to attend her brother’s 40th birthday party, but due to a tail-stepping incident with her SIL, “Lou” was banned from their home
Image credits: Arthur Tseng (not the actual image)
Image source: u/loutheshepherd
“WIBTA for not attending my brother’s birthday party because I can’t bring my dog?” – this web user took to one of Reddit’s most judgmental communities, asking its members if she’s indeed a jerk for choosing to skip her brother’s 40th birthday party because his wife banned her ‘aggressive’ German shepherd from their property. The post managed to garner nearly 12K upvotes as well as 3.2K comments discussing the situation.
Every person who owns a pet or has owned one before knows that once you home one, it automatically becomes a full-on family member. Hamsters, turtles, guinea pigs, rabbits, budgies, goldfish, cats, dogs – whatever it is, it’s bound to win a special place in your heart!
But those who have never experienced such a thing might find it hard to find a logical explanation for certain actions; some folks are just not on the same wavelength and can’t comprehend how an animal can be, for instance, treated equally to a member of the household. However, the explanation is pretty simple: for most, a pet is a companion, emotional support, and so much more.
Hence, it is our duty as pet owners to make sure that our four-legged (or however-many-legged) friends live as long and as happily as possible – and, as a matter of fact, the author of today’s story was doing just that!
The first so-called red flag of the situation is that the sister-in-law decided to ban the poor dog from her property without taking some time to reflect; though, I think most of you will agree that the matter is pretty straightforward and certainly didn’t deserve this particular outcome.
I mean, how else would you expect a dog to react when you step on its tail?
The OP handled the rest like a champ! She provided her brother with various options as she knew that she needed to keep her priorities straight and focus on healing “Lou.” Nothing appealed to her sibling, so instead, she decided to stay at home and take him out to dinner the next weekend. Seems like a logical solution, right? Well, for some intricate reason, it wasn’t good enough for the sister-in-law.
The OP tried to negotiate with her sibling so she could still attend the gathering
Image credits: K Zoltan (not the actual image)
To get a more professional outlook on the matter, Bored Panda decided to reach out to a couple of dog behavior specialists: Nicole Wilde, a canine behavior specialist with over 30 years of experience and the author of 12 books on canine behavior, and Sherri Regalbuto, who has been working with dogs in many different aspects for over 45 years!
First things first, we asked our experts about separation anxiety in dogs: “Separation anxiety is an emotional state that occurs when a dog becomes distraught either because of being separated from a particular person or persons, or because he does not want to be left alone (I think of the latter as isolation distress). There can be a variety of causes. Genetics can play a part, as some individual dogs are more predisposed to anxiety and insecurity.”
“Although there is a lack of hard scientific evidence, it has even been theorized that some breeds are more predisposed to this issue. But more commonly, a dog may have lost his initial home or even been adopted into different homes, resulting in an excessive attachment to the owners and a fear of being left again,” Nicole explained.
Sherri also offered her insight: “Separation anxiety is a common issue in dogs, more so in second-hand dogs. This is something that I try to share with anyone wanting to adopt or rescue; just a heads-up of the possibility. Separation anxiety can come in many forms and range from very mild to severe and possibly dangerous. Over the years I have dealt with many cases; the worst one being a dog that broke and jumped out of glass windows. That was a scary one.”
BP then pondered how one should deal with it, to which Nicole responded: “First, make sure the dog’s basic needs are being met. Good nutrition and adequate exercise and mental stimulation will provide a solid foundation. Behavior protocols should be implemented. Although my book ‘Don’t Leave Me: Step-by-Step Help for Your Dog’s Separation Anxiety’ goes into detail, the basic idea is that planned absences are carried out carefully and gradually, so that the dog is never left alone longer than he can handle, and he learns to be alone without feeling anxious.”
“Other things that can help are leaving the dog with a long-lasting, tempting chew item, playing calming music, and more, which can contribute to solving the problem, although those things are not likely to do so on their own. In extreme cases where the dog is in danger of injuring himself, medication may be warranted until the issue can be resolved.”
However, nothing came out of it and she decided to prioritize “Lou’s” well-being and skip the party
Image credits: Kampus Production (not the actual image)
Sherri then provided helpful suggestions on how to prevent separation issues in your pet: “When you acquire a dog, whether it be a new puppy or an adult, you must begin the leaving process. Of course, with a new adult dog, you want to hang around for a bit so that they get used to their new home, etc. But as soon as they are comfortable, go out. Start with short outings and do it often. If you have nowhere to go, just go out and do something.”
“Make your exit and your arrival a nonissue, no big deal. When you are at home, don’t hover. Don’t be a cling-on owner. Owners who can never be away from their dogs create a whole bucket full of problems, separation anxiety being one of them. By overindulging your own need to be with your dog 24/7, you are handicapping your dog. You may think that you are doing a good thing, but just imagine how your dog feels. They are used to you smothering them with attention each and every second of the day. When you leave there is a huge vacuum (a space not filled or occupied; emptiness; void) that your dog cannot deal with.”
Last but certainly not least, Nicole offered some commentary on the Reddit post: “Regarding the story with the GSD and the brother’s party, I don’t understand why this dog is being labeled as aggressive. It sounds as though she barked as a reaction to the pain of having her tail stepped on, which is absolutely normal and acceptable.”
“The fact that she did NOT lash out and bite tells me that this is NOT an aggressive dog. It sounds as though the owner tried to make arrangements for her dog to stay home and couldn’t, and went so far as to offer a few different options for bringing her along so she could attend. It sounds like the other parties are being unreasonable. I’m on her side on this one.”
Now that we’ve got some credible feedback on how serious separation anxiety is, what is your take on the story? Do you think the author was right to prioritize her dog?
Fellow online community members shared their thoughts and opinions on the situation
OP's SIL is using the dog as an excuse. She's blowing up OP's phone now because she's trying to goad OP into losing her temper and say something that will cause other family members, ideally OP's brother/her husband, to turn on her.
I'd have said no AHs here if not for the ridiculous demand of not having the dog even in the neighborhood and the harassment and belittling after OP kindly declined the invitation. Everyone gets to decide if they want dogs on their property. But no one has the right to decide about pets outside of that. On the other hand, an invitation is not a court summon. If you can't tolerate other people's family members, and a pet is a family member, then you don't get to mope if they decline an invitation. Just as much as it is one person's right to deny a dog entry to their property it's another person's right to decline an invitation for any reason. But OP didn't even decline. They tried everything to respect the reasonable boundary of no dogs on the property. That's why they're not TA. But the SIL is TA not for setting a boundary, but for clearly upping the demands to ridiculous levels just to get their will and give no compromise whatsoever. Even trying to police a space that's not theirs.
Exactly...SIL doesn't own the sidewalk. Anyone with a leashed dog can walk through that neighborhood, sounds like she just doesn't want SIL there or she's completely entitled and unreasonable. She wouldn't even let her drop of a gift with the dog in her car!
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One of the options involved *leaving the dog in the car*. Exactly how would this be a problem "being on the property"? The dog isn't going to be able to bite any one, or mess up the garden. Yes, the dog may bark. But, hey SIL, barking is not aggression! And I'm saying this as someone who very much prefers cats to dogs having had negative experiences with dogs as a child (including an actually aggressive dog). SIL is a huge AH. Brother is a semi-AH for not accepting the "dog stays in the car" option. OP needs to ensure the previous year's progress needs to continue at pace to ensure the dog can get to the point of being left for more than an hour.
I agree, I don't even see how trading off walking the dog around the neighborhood isn't a reasonable compromise? Does SIL police everyone that walks a dog in her neighborhood on public property? None of her neighbors have dogs that have ever barked or what? SIL is completely unreasonable in this situation.
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In the comments, OP stated she already made plans to take her brother out to a belated birthday dinner. If I was her, I'd tell him to leave SIL with a sitter, as she's "too aggressive." *Edited to fix a typo.
Too many people think of pets as pieces of furniture, or decorations, instead of family members. They really cannot understand the rest of us, or our pets.
No we think of them as what they are - pets. Too many people pretend their pets are children and then feel entitled to everyone else pretending the same thing. A dog is a dangerous animal that can kill a human - they're a liability and you can't expect everyone to take that on in their home. You can pretend dogs are people all you want in your own home but it ends there, you can't expect people to pretend for you in public or in their homes.
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Rescue dogs are hard work. I'm just happy that Lou has a dedicated owner and they are working on her separation anxiety, which yes can be quite inconvenient at times but I'm sure Lou will get there. The SIL needs grow up and understand that we don't know what happened to Lou before she came to OP and she is like a traumatised child. She needs love and patience. It took my last dog (who was a rescue who'd been abused) a long time before he could trust people again. We had 14 wonderful years together. I hope Lou and OP have a long time together
The SIL need to realize she was an a*****e for stepping on the poor dog's tail in the first place!
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I would be so tempted to respond to SIL's next text with, "Grrrrrr. Bark. Bark. Bark."
NTA. OP offered multiple solutions and SIL was unwilling to budge an inch. The poor pup isn't aggressive; she yelled when SIL stepped on her, just like any of us would have. OP is also addressing the pup's separation anxiety. Leaving the pup would likely set her back further.
I have had zero aggressive dog, but he got crazy around drunk people. Party is a questionable place to invite the dog, especially sensitive one. OP is a good person, but there is no good solution exempt politely declined invitation, unfortunately. Our pets or children not everythere welcome, it is life.
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I haven’t seen this mentioned as an option, but I have a pet cam that dispenses treats. It has a two-way speaker built-in. I don’t necessarily have pets with separation anxiety issues, but it’s nice to be able to check in on them and “chat” with them. I have it set to notify me whenever one of my animals comes into view… and my youngest cat will trigger it, because he knows I’ll talk to him and toss him a treat. It also makes a squeaky toy noise… and my golden retriever will come running when I activate that sound. He loves it! It’s not exactly the same thing as having a pet sitter, but it does offer me peace of mind.
Not a bad idea, I wonder if it would be a good transition.
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It always surprises me when a third party steps in and tells someone “so and so is so mad at you. So and so is really hurt by your actions bla bla bla” when in fact the other two people already have good communication skills with each other. Step back sil, they got it sorted out already.
NTA. I can understand SIL being scared of a large dog barking at her especially if she's not a fan of dogs. I'm not and honestly it would scare me too. Also I dont like having dogs in my house either. However OP gave some reasonable comprises and that SIL wouldn't even consider them makes her the AH.
Except the loud bark was an equivalent to a human teenager being stepped hard on the foot and let out an agonizing scream...
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SIL wants things the way SHE wants them, so no compromise. She's the AH. OP is doing such a great job of trying to look at things fairly that I bet she is glossing over things that have happened before. Willing to bet this is not the first time SIL has been unreasonable and controlling, but the behavior has been excused.
NAH. This is her baby. Babies require a commitment. If SIL stepped on a childs foot, and they screamed for an hour or had to taken to an emergerncy room, would she then not allow children there? SIL a foul mouthed and controlling POS and I would advise my brother to vist you from now on without her, as you won't be setting foot in 'her' neighborhood.
A dog isn't a child and never will be. A child is a human being and a dog is not. A dog is a dangerous ANIMAL and a liability that you can't expect others to bring to their home and to have around their guests. You aren't entitled to bring animals into people's houses, that's insane to expect. Most people would have said no the first time. As for reducing children to being the same as dogs, stop that. It's sickening to dehumanize any human in that way, especially vulnerable humans.
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Brother and wife should understand she signed up to take care of this living breathing animal and with it all it's problems, and she is doing exactly that. This creature is not a plant. You can't just feed it and expect it to grow on its own. It has needs and emotions, just like humans do. She's not choosing the dog over her brother, she's choosing to be responsible for a creature that depends on her. And she seems to be doing everything she can to help it overcome its problems. I admire a person that can take on the responsibility of caring for another creature without giving up on it. Besides, wife is using the dog as an excuse to cause a rift between family members, who the hell actually thinks it's suddenly aggressive by barking in pain?
Dog parents, like people parents, need to understand that their fur babies aren't always welcome any more than children are. My sister had is childfree, and her wedding was childfree. I had no babysitter for it, so I chose not to attend out of respect for her wishes. The same consideration should be applied by pet parents.
I don't understand why they declined for her to leave the dog in the car for 15 min. tho. The dog isn't in her home or yard or even walking around the block in her neighborhood which, anyone with a leashed dog would legally have the right to do. She just wanted to say hi and drop off a gift...
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This is like people who invite people who have multiple young children to their child-free weddings and then freak out when those people decline the invitation. You have every right to set rules for your own event, but no one is obligated to attend if they have other obligations.
NTA. The world should have more people like OP. She treats her rescue dog like an actual living, breathing creature deserving of love and kindness, not as if she were an end table or an item belonging in a curio cabinet. Lou couldn't be in better hands. However, the SIL is a beyotch that's FOS. She's using the dog as an excuse to alienate OP from her brother. The old divide-and-conquer routine. I sure hope that OP'S brother will see his wife for what she REALLY is, and get her shut down or out of there. I'm willing to bet that this isn't an isolated incident.
NTA, sorry but SIL seems way out of line, since she is harassing OP and considers barking aggressive so much that she doesn't want the dog in her neighborhood. Okay, Karen.
But I actually do like Karen Klinck Klinck, she's awesome. 🙂 wanted to make note of that just in case.
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I'm seeing a red flag in the SIL's behavior; she clearly has no empathy for the dog, and doesn't believe he deserves empathy. How far does this extend? Is she perhaps only faking empathy with the people in her life? What other beings does she believe are not worthy of empathy? Children? People from other countries or cultures? The disabled? People in menial service jobs?
Well first of all SIL ws the one who stepped on the dog causing pain and fright. Doggo didn't lash out or snap/bite, just barked and hid behind OP. SIL was aware pup had been abused as a puppy and was skittish, not aggressive. Sounds like SIL is the aggressive player in this scenario and is trying to gaslight OP for her own entitled aggressive Karen behavior. OP gave several alternatives for attending brother's birthday party, all of which were rejected with childish foot stomping excuses. OP'S entirely right in opting to not participate and SIL needs to shut the f**k up and accept the fact both she and her husband are the reason OP feels she's not welcome. Stand your ground girlfriend and let brother and SIL stew in their own juices. Send him a nice birthday text, card, whatever. Maybe a gift or gift card from Amazon, etc and move on. Good luck and love to puppy 🐶 ❤️
op never mentioned her brother has an objection to the dog--this is all SIL. What brother needs is to grow a pair of cojones and stand up to his wife. Jeez--this is HIS party! Not hers! Just from the SIL's attitude, this isn't the first demand,nor will it be the last.
Load More Replies... I have had Dogs my whole life. That wasn't aggression. Actually that was a good response, one that would tell me how docile he was. Geez something like a child running behind Mommy, when scared. I think Sister in Law is manipulating this situation Maybe she likes to boss her husband around. Maybe it's something bigger. Possible an excuse because she really doesn't want the Dog around. Some non Dog owners actually find Dogs gross and messy. So now she might be using this excuse, to keep him away. Me personally would of dropped down right there on the floor. And asked the Dogs forgiveness. With a sweet voice. One to show how sorry I was. While coaxing him over to forgive me, for being so clumsy.
Our beloved dog had SEVERE separation anxiety. She was actually on Xanax and Prozac. We went on a business trip. We had to leave her in a kennel. We'd only used one that a co worker of my husband worked at. Well, long story short, she was off that morning, left instructions not to leave her caged but give her yard time. She did well if she is could interact with other dogs. It did not have to be human contact. Apparently, she barked and barked to no avail. My dog had a heart attack at 6 years old. I was devastated beyond anything words can express. NTA you know your dog. You sound like you are doing event you can. SIL needs to get over herself especially because you offered options that included the dog not being on the property near guests. Her my way or the highway attitude is the real issue
I think it's crazy how the SIL is acting. Plus some people saying OP is giving up living her life. A dog is like a child that never grows up. So if someone is willing to take a dog in that have been abuse that person will be giving up their lives for a long time. It's like taking in a child from foster care that has been abuse it takes years to get their trust as well. So will someone be wrong for not wanting to get any babysitter to watch the child because you don't want kids at the party. Plus SIL don't own they neighborhood.
My kids are 18 1/2 years apart. My daughter got a dog that she got trained as a emotional support animal. After she got him she learned that his previously owner would starve him if he peed in the house or poop. My daughter had him trained but we had to watch people around him when he eats. One day my son when he was almost 19 months went to go and put a treat in the dogs bowl me not paying attention the dog was eating and thought someone was trying to take his food. He bit my son. I took my son to the hospital but I couldn't blame him. The trainer helped my daughter get the dog a eat corner that was lock off from anyone able to intrupt him especially kids. I kept my son from him even though my son was so use to playing with him. My daughter and Son In Law took turns sitting in the car with him when they came to see us.If we are on the porch and the dog sees us but he's not allow to come around my son he became really depress. He will whin all the way home after they left. One day my
Load More Replies... Poor brother, i think his wife is getting a bit too agressive, stepping on tails, barking his guests away, he should put her in the kitchen when have guests over
My mother preferred the basement; she needed the kitchen.
Load More Replies... Sil is the selfish one. You could still go briefly, leave the dog in the car, check on dog and get him out for walk, out back in car, visit bro, then leave. Don't tell sil, and if she finds out just tell her she gave you no choice. Or skip it and do dinner later, bro seems to understand. I have had dogs my whole life ,and used hemp treats for anxiety on one dog with some success. My friends and family get I am dog person so they deal with it. Do what you think is best. To me, dogs are family.
My parent's dog is already 7 years old. My mum brought it home (at about 6 months old) because it was abandoned. To this day, it still has separation anxiety. I haven't been able to take both my mum and my dad at the same time out for lunch, or whatever, as the dog starts crying, barking etc as soon as they leave the house. Is so sad and frustrating for me, as I can't plan anything with them, but I have to understand that they took the responsibility
It's the same with my parents. We can never go out to a family meal, and if one of them is out of town, the other is completely house-bound. What bugs me is that they aren't willing to get any training for the dog or a pet-sitter or anything.
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Your are not the a*****e. Your brother is a 40 year old grown a*s man, he can get over it. An already emotionally damaged puppy will not get over it. You made the right decision and your SIL can go f**k herself.
OP needs to keep looking for a pet sitter for the big birthday party, but long term maybe consider getting a second pet so they can keep each other company.
NTA, you sound like an amazing dog mom. You tried to compromise, it's very strange they won't allow your dog to sit in your car in their driveway and can't ban him from their neighborhood! It sounds like they're trying to control you by forcing you to be cruel to your dog. I'd make the same choice as you!
Yeah It's such an aggresive dog that it poses a threat even locked in the car on the driveway haha. I think SIL should ask the OP to move out further than 45min away so she can feel safer.
Also, I seriously think there is more going on here with SIL, not just regarding Lou! Have you always gotten along with SIL? Or has relationship always been a bit strained? How does she get along with other family members? I think the tail incident may just be an excuse for her to limit your contact with your brother! She may not like the fact that you and your bro have a close relationship, if you do have a close relationship anyway. Maybe it's just me but I'm sensing that she is not a very nice person! Also, your bro needs to grow a pair and not just capitulate to his wife all the time over his own family! This will strain relationships with a lot of family members!
The only AH I can see here is the SIL! She doesn't want the dog in their garden, their driveway, or their neighbourhood in general? Tell me, does she own the f*****g neighbourhood? I'm gonna say NO, she doesn't. So I would go for either option B or C, go over, leave Lou in the car, give brother his present, spend 10-15mins with him, then either take Lou a walk around the NH, spend another 15mins with bro, then leave! Also do your own belated birthday meal with your brother. SIL CANNOT tell you or anyone else what and whatnot to do in the NH!
SIL doesn't "even want the dog in the neighborhood"; what a narcissistic a*****e.
That was the tail end of my comment. The sister-in-law doesn't get to dictate that. Unless there's some local or city ordinance being violated, it's none of her business. Screw that a*****e.
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NTA: 1) if she was this upset over the barking she shoulda said something at the time. NOT hold onto it until she can use it against you. 2) dogs bark when hurt. N he RAN AWAY. that is far from agressive! My cats will nip if you step on their tail. Doesnt mean they are aggressive means "ow you jerk that hurt!" 3) the fact she made you brother confront you and not do it herself is low. 9/10 he is ok with your options. 4) you gave fair options n she said no to all of it INCULDING stopping by quick wirh the dog IN THE CAR. Shes just being petty. Sorry you n your pooch had to deal with that. (Also didnt she say she was "ok" with the barking when it happened? So much for that)
I can not believe some people don't read the AITA. She stated that she's working with a behaviourist and her dogs Vet. So some people need to get over it. I wouldn't be that bothered if OP couldn't attend. SIL needs to stop being so entitled and a jerk about this.
I was going to lean towards she WOULD b, but she provides 3 other options to try and attend, and there is a specific reason as to why the dog can't b left at home. Brother stated none of the options were acceptable, so I think she's fine. She tried to find a solution to attend and Brother wanted his way or the highway. To me, basically an ultimatum. When u give an ultimatum, u run the risk of it not going your way
The SIL didn't want a reasonable solution (if so she would have accepted one of the perfectly reasonable compromises); instead it's obvious that she wants to dominate OP by forcing her will, and she's furious that she didn't submit to her demands. Adults having tantrums is such an ugly sight.
Sorry but unless she owns every house in the neighborhood she has no right to say that you can't have your dog there therefore you could take your brothers present to him, meet him off of his property and give it to him and visit for a couple. Unless your SIL is a b***h and calls the police she can't do anything about it. I hate people who label a dog aggressive when it is not the animal but the human that makes them that way. Keep the dog ignore the SIL.
Sister in law has no right to say who the OP can have in her vehicle so I would go and bring my brother his gift, stay for a few minutes and SIL can KMA! I'm sorry if this sets me a part or makes me seem kinda like an AH but seriously I can see them saying don't bring the dog in my house or yard but they have no right to dictate anywhere emser that dog can go. The SIL has some serious control issues.
Unless it's a private, gated community, SIL has no leg to stand on saying she doesn't want the dog in the neighborhood. It's public streets, which means ANYONE can walk ANY dog there (provided they follow city laws, leash, etc).
It’s OP’s choice to decline the invitation, if she can’t find a sitter. I’m a HUGE animal lover, but I understand that some people are afraid of large dogs, and that should be respected. Also, if something would happen on SIL’s property that concerns the dog, SIL could legally be liable. I see good reason behind both sides, although the SIL shouldn’t have acted petty about it. OP attempted to compromise
A dog lover here with a slightly different perspective. It's quite possible that SIL has an unreasoning fear of dogs and that incident really triggered her because of her prior fear. That said she needs to take responsibility to get counseling to work on it. It's also possible that she may just be trying to manipulate people and assert her dominance over the environment. On your part, the fact that after 2 years the dog still can't be away from you more than an hour is a real issue. I realize that we're coming out of a pandemic and socializing dogs during the pandemic was more challenging for a lot of people. I think you need to get out more for doggy play dates at your and other peoples homes and leaving for periods of times so that your dog can adapt to more situations.
Wow, the sister-in-law is being insane. I really dislike dogs. No dogs in my house. But pretty much every offered solution from the OP is absolutely reasonable, though. What's with the garbage about not wanting the dog around the neighborhood? That's ludicrous and not something that the sister-in-law gets to control. Screw her.
Someone should come forward and step on her foot HARD, and see if she screams and runs away. Isn't a dog barking loudly exactly the same as human screaming loudly? She just hates dogs, and who knew if she didn't step on the tail intentionally?
Go for it, I'll step on LSIL's foot. While wearing combat boots.
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I'm not a big fan of dogs (I'm a cat person), but bulk of my family has a dog. I totally understand having a pet is also a part of your family. The SIL, in my opinion, just wanted to show authority concerning you bringing your dog. She should've chose/accepted one of the options given her. Since she didn't, she & your brother has no right to be upset the least but. It's the fault of the SIL for you not attending your brothers birthday. The dog had valid reason for barking. I'm so thankful my family is nothing like the SIL, pets are always welcome to each other's home.
Nta because I think she meant to step on her tail so she could ban her
NTA but a little bit extra. However, if their only compromise is "Do what we want" then what do they expect to happen?
OP should let SIL know that she can't come over to her house when her brother comes over. She shouldnt have anyone aggressive at her house and SIL was the aggressor by stepping on her dog's tail.
Also, if she's so worried about the dog being aggressive, it's another reason not to have her over. If she's worried about aggression, she shouldn't want to be around the dog at all. So don't expect to come over to OPs house.
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OP was a great person to adopt a dog who had been abused in the past. Takes a lot of patience. Brother and SIL aren't going to change their minds. So that discussion is fruitless. Don't know how OP copes with a dog that can't be alone for more than an hour. Getting a dog over separation anxiety takes a while. What does she do when she must run errands? Has the dog been crate trained? OP doesn't say she's married, but referred to "we've been. . " Can't that person stay with the dog, so that OP can go alone? Can the dog's trainer recommend someone to dogsit? I wouldn't let the SIL bully me. But there will be problems If you bring the dog. If all else fails, go drop off the present and leave or don't go at all.
I love dogs and had them growing up. Unfortunately, a request that a pet, like children, remain at home for functions, should be honored. I don't believe your dog is aggressive. But, SIL has the right to ask you not bring the furbaby.
Dogs aren't welcome everywhere, and they shouldn't be. That being said, it is entirely unreasonable to say a person can't even have a dog in their own car. Your sister in law is being a jerk and your brother is letting her. Skip the party.
Let me get this 💩 right. . You stepped on your SIL dog's tail..... he barked at you and now his the aggressive one... the biological brother , who don't have a backbone obviously, ummmm tell his sister to not bring the dog... they didn't give you much of an option... but the SIL called you selfish and an A hole.... first of all she got a line for calling you selfish but an Ahole as well.. that deserves an @$$ whipping... after you stepped on my dog's tail and call my dog aggressive and then call me an A hole... how she did go off on her SIL all that time. I don't have the slightest idea. Plus the poor dog suffers with Separation anxiety... and it's nothing nice I have a cat who suffers with that as well..
What angers me most, is that SIL is calling the dog aggressive, while it was her that was aggressive stepping on its tail.
Don't do what I did. My father demanded that I attend a family event but that I leave my three dogs at home, three hours away. A dog sitter was not an option. My counter offer included leaving the dogs in the car or sraying a short time. My dad rejected this. I told him then I would see him next time he was in town. He lived across the country We never spoke again. My father died of cancer 20 years later without ever asking to speak.
Sounds like that bark really triggered deep fear in SIL. Just as we don't know what's happened to the dog in the past, we don't know SIL's experience with dogs or even other animals. She may be admonishing the OP because she feels guilty about her fear getting in the way of OP's attendance. No AHs here, I think. Just a couple of walking wounded who both need compassion and support to get over their issues.
I'm not a dog person. bitten once by a stray when I was 7. but, if I am in this situation, and I don't want any dog to be near me, someone taking turns to walk the dog would be the best option for me. the dog won't be left alone. and I got to be with the people that I love for the celebration.
So now crying when someone hurts you is an act of aggression??? Nah, the dog was just a convenient scapegoat.
NTA, it's really sad your SIL would rather be in the center of some drama than to work with you to find a solution for her husbands happiness. Honestly I would not bring the dog over anyway. I would be extremely worried SIL would purposely behave poorly in order to get a reaction out of the dog. Like what she is doing with you right now. It is difficult dealing with separation anxiety I'm so glad this pup found a human who loves and cares so much for him/her.
NTA OP has had her Fur Baby for 2 years now, so it's not like the SIL didn't know about Lou's bad separation anxiety. OP is working with a trainer, and gave three very logical alternatives, so that she could to her brother's party, and still have her Fur Baby with her, and her brother and SIL declined them, and went over the top when they declined even. Lou was abused as a puppy, and her tail was stepped on, and it hurt, so she barked, and hid behind OP, that right there shows that Lou isn't an aggressive dog. I've got a Chihuahua that I've nicknamed " The Tiny Tyrant ", and if her tail was stepped on, she would've turned around, and gone ballistic on the SIL. My Fur Baby gets triggered, and I don't know her full history, because she's a rescue, but her groomer and I decided to only bring her to the groomers for nail trims, because I could stay with her. She would huddle in the back of the crate,her head down, and she would get depressed, because I wasn't there. SIL needs to chil.
I HATE stupid a*s bitches that hurt an animal, and then when that animal defends itself; the ANIMAL is at fault. F**k that c**t, and if your brother wants to be that far up her twat, then f**k his a*s too. About to start going around de-dicking people. If you can't be agreeable, then you F*****G yeet into the damn sun for all I care. And before you ask me what I feel human life is valued at? I'll kill you with the same damn easiness that I kill my dinner with.
I know people love their pets, but not everyone loves being around them. Its a party and your SIL has to be concerned about all her guests even the ones who may be afraid of animals. I do not care how mant solutions you gave her, you should be able to go to an event without your pet. And even though you offered to take your brother to dinner AFTER his party, if I were your brother I would be very disappointed. Unless it is a service animal, pets are not supposed to be in every situation just because we love them.
The only time a dog belongs in someone's home, other than the owner, is if the dog is a service dog. There may be other individuals visiting who are allergic to the dog, or simply afraid of dogs. It's a problem if you can't visit with someone in their home for more than ten or fifteen minutes because of a pet.
I kept seeing so many comments about not leaving the dog alone is a problem and yes it can be for a normal dog but when an animal is abused there are extra steps to get things a bit more normal. The fact the dog isn't aggressive after something traumatic says a lot about the dog themselves. But acting like this woman is wrong for choosing to remain home due to circumstances after compromises were tried just shows those people care more about socializing than caring about someone or something who may need them. I mean if a child has separation anxiety after being abused should they be left with any random sitter or even potentially by themselves at a certain age, no absolutely not but because it's a dog somehow socializing is more important. The brother clearly understood since he quickly agreed to the dinner. And to try to gaslight by calling someone an ah for choosing the best option of what they were given is just sad. But I'll bet anything that sil didn't even apologize for the dog
They (brother and SIL) obviously don't want you at the party. That's why they placed unreasonable demands and are trying to exercise excessive control over your life. Don't do it, don't go and don't feel guilty. Send a card and or gift. Maybe even facetime them with you AND your dog. Happy birthday. Btw, this is what the term kiss my a$$ was designed for.
I love all of my siblings, but, they all know I'd throw them to the wolves in a heartbeat for my pets, those are my baby angels and as such will always come first. My pets aren't just my first choice, but, my only choice, they're spouses also know better than to be b****y about it cause I will ruin their lives if I think they've become a problem. So no, I don't think this woman is in the wrong and I helpfully suggest she taser that utterly worthless SIL of hers until said SIL's hair catches on fire.
Just my personal opinion here and YMMV. This isn't even about the dog; the dog is only an excuse. OP's SIL, for whatever reason, wants to drive a wedge between the siblings and create drama as well. It's all about control. I'm sorry OP has a difficult dog but, y'know, traumatized animals need good homes too so I applaud what OP is doing to rehabilitate him..
SiL stepped on and hurt the dog then got mad because the dog cried? I don't know that I would want that woman around children!
The sister is respecting the brother and SIL wishes. She even had suggestions. They said no. She said she can't come. They need to also be respectful of her wishes. Don't be one sided. Also, the SIL can't control who has what in her neighborhood, or anyone's car. She is sounding very b****y here. It is cool to not want a dog at your house. When you make statements that you fo not want a dog in your neighborhood or in a car you are an entitled person. It is not her neighborhood. Her neighbors can have whatever dog they want. If the sister parted on the street down more and asked the neighbors if she could park there 15 min. I'd the SIL going to tell the neighbors that they can't do, or have, what they want in their own yard? Does she think she is the queen of the world or something? I have met people like this. They make no sense.
YTA. A dog should NEVER be prioritized over family. This dog may be unredeemable. You say she’s been in training for 2 years and can’t be left alone for more than an hour? Either your trainer sux or you have a ticking time bomb on your hands. The SIL seems to be the only intelligent person here. That dog has no business being anywhere near a social gathering. Just because she hasn’t been aggressive to you does NOT mean she won’t in a crowd. You don’t understand animal behavior and that makes you the most dangerous animal owner out there. This isn’t a human you can reason with. This is an ANIMAL, an aggressive breed at that, that can and will lash out aggressively when scared. YTA!!!! Yes, I know what I’m talking about as this is my profession.
SIL also isn't a human you can reason with. You know, being that she hurt the dog and...idk expected it not to react negatively, I guess.
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Brother is 40 give me a break. birthday parties are for KIDS is your brother an overgrown child? Your 3 options were thoughtfully planned and your SIL is just an AH if they can't put up with your dog in your car for 15 mins your brother doesn't deserve a present what exactly have they done for you. If they are that petty they don't deserve you and I'd make them beg you for forgiveness. Congratulations on having a pet and treating it correctly maybe your SIL should get a trainer. NTA
In my family we always celebrated birthdays, a special meal, a cake, and a family gathering. Not a kid's birthday party, of course, but still a nice time to connect.
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So is there like a persistent typo here where OP meant to write that her brother was turning 4 and it just kept coming up 40? Why would anyone give a s**t about a "man's" birthday party? Why would leaving your dog in a car for even a nano second even be an option to appease some man baby who thinks birthdays after the age of 12 are something to celebrate? Take care of your dog lady. He's the only one in this whole scenario that gives a s**t about you.
Sounds like your SIL is nothing more than a control freak, while trying to throw a guilt trip on you... That being the case, I would rather stay home with my dog if I were in that situation...
I don't like your SIL for two reasons: 1) she's not a dog person and 2) seems awfully keen on the passive aggressive behavior. You just go ahead and take your bro out to dinner and hopefully don't invite his wife.
NTA but I like the info person. There's something weird about all of it. Some pet moms seem to make their pets sicker rather than healthier. Manchausen by proxy type of behavior but since it's not with children is below the radar
Dogs aren't children and they never will be. Your dog is just a pet and its insane to me that you think you should be able to bring a dog to anyone's house. Especially one with so little training it can't even be left alone. You aren't entitled to bring a DOG to anyone's house, that's absurd. Train it already and stop expecting people to let you bring a dog to their house. I'd never let anyone bring a dog to my house, they were being overly nice even letting you before.
People who expect to take a pet with them everywhere they go are a******s. Now of that were a person such as your girlfriend/partner/fiance/wife on the other hand, you should never go anywhere where they arent welcome along with you as that is betrayal and you abandoning your significant other while showing everyone that you condone the psychological abuse of making them appear insignificant to you and that is a form of social bullying that only the worst type people encourage.
Why didn't the brother help work out a compromise? Sounds like the wife runs the marriage
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If the dog has anxiety issues, isn't it a bad idea to bring her to a big party? There's no way this is good for the dog. The idea of the dog's "safe people" taking turns walking her in the neighborhood is the only viable option. And I'm with the person who commented that staying with the dog 24/7, never more than an hour break, is not sustainable. No trainer would recommend doing this long term. I'm concerned that OP has some issues of her own where she's convincing herself she needs to be with the dog constantly. She reminds me of stories I've read here where a parent is glued to a disabled child to the point they neglect all other obligations, miss their other kid's wedding because "nobody can watch him but me," etc. Or perhaps the dog lets OP ignore and mask agoraphobia.
Honestly, I raised 4 abused rescued pitbulls that were never a threat to anyone. It's people like you who stereotype breeds that make people afraid. Animals deserve our time and love. They don't understand what happened to them, human adults should be able to understand they can't always get what they want. You're the problem not the OP.
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Then maybe read the article before commenting, then you might not jump to conclusions next time.
Load More Replies... OP's SIL is using the dog as an excuse. She's blowing up OP's phone now because she's trying to goad OP into losing her temper and say something that will cause other family members, ideally OP's brother/her husband, to turn on her.
I'd have said no AHs here if not for the ridiculous demand of not having the dog even in the neighborhood and the harassment and belittling after OP kindly declined the invitation. Everyone gets to decide if they want dogs on their property. But no one has the right to decide about pets outside of that. On the other hand, an invitation is not a court summon. If you can't tolerate other people's family members, and a pet is a family member, then you don't get to mope if they decline an invitation. Just as much as it is one person's right to deny a dog entry to their property it's another person's right to decline an invitation for any reason. But OP didn't even decline. They tried everything to respect the reasonable boundary of no dogs on the property. That's why they're not TA. But the SIL is TA not for setting a boundary, but for clearly upping the demands to ridiculous levels just to get their will and give no compromise whatsoever. Even trying to police a space that's not theirs.
Exactly...SIL doesn't own the sidewalk. Anyone with a leashed dog can walk through that neighborhood, sounds like she just doesn't want SIL there or she's completely entitled and unreasonable. She wouldn't even let her drop of a gift with the dog in her car!
Load More Replies... One of the options involved *leaving the dog in the car*. Exactly how would this be a problem "being on the property"? The dog isn't going to be able to bite any one, or mess up the garden. Yes, the dog may bark. But, hey SIL, barking is not aggression! And I'm saying this as someone who very much prefers cats to dogs having had negative experiences with dogs as a child (including an actually aggressive dog). SIL is a huge AH. Brother is a semi-AH for not accepting the "dog stays in the car" option. OP needs to ensure the previous year's progress needs to continue at pace to ensure the dog can get to the point of being left for more than an hour.
I agree, I don't even see how trading off walking the dog around the neighborhood isn't a reasonable compromise? Does SIL police everyone that walks a dog in her neighborhood on public property? None of her neighbors have dogs that have ever barked or what? SIL is completely unreasonable in this situation.
Load More Replies... In the comments, OP stated she already made plans to take her brother out to a belated birthday dinner. If I was her, I'd tell him to leave SIL with a sitter, as she's "too aggressive." *Edited to fix a typo.
Too many people think of pets as pieces of furniture, or decorations, instead of family members. They really cannot understand the rest of us, or our pets.
No we think of them as what they are - pets. Too many people pretend their pets are children and then feel entitled to everyone else pretending the same thing. A dog is a dangerous animal that can kill a human - they're a liability and you can't expect everyone to take that on in their home. You can pretend dogs are people all you want in your own home but it ends there, you can't expect people to pretend for you in public or in their homes.
Load More Replies... Rescue dogs are hard work. I'm just happy that Lou has a dedicated owner and they are working on her separation anxiety, which yes can be quite inconvenient at times but I'm sure Lou will get there. The SIL needs grow up and understand that we don't know what happened to Lou before she came to OP and she is like a traumatised child. She needs love and patience. It took my last dog (who was a rescue who'd been abused) a long time before he could trust people again. We had 14 wonderful years together. I hope Lou and OP have a long time together
The SIL need to realize she was an a*****e for stepping on the poor dog's tail in the first place!
Load More Replies... I would be so tempted to respond to SIL's next text with, "Grrrrrr. Bark. Bark. Bark."
NTA. OP offered multiple solutions and SIL was unwilling to budge an inch. The poor pup isn't aggressive; she yelled when SIL stepped on her, just like any of us would have. OP is also addressing the pup's separation anxiety. Leaving the pup would likely set her back further.
I have had zero aggressive dog, but he got crazy around drunk people. Party is a questionable place to invite the dog, especially sensitive one. OP is a good person, but there is no good solution exempt politely declined invitation, unfortunately. Our pets or children not everythere welcome, it is life.
Load More Replies... I haven’t seen this mentioned as an option, but I have a pet cam that dispenses treats. It has a two-way speaker built-in. I don’t necessarily have pets with separation anxiety issues, but it’s nice to be able to check in on them and “chat” with them. I have it set to notify me whenever one of my animals comes into view… and my youngest cat will trigger it, because he knows I’ll talk to him and toss him a treat. It also makes a squeaky toy noise… and my golden retriever will come running when I activate that sound. He loves it! It’s not exactly the same thing as having a pet sitter, but it does offer me peace of mind.
Not a bad idea, I wonder if it would be a good transition.
Load More Replies... It always surprises me when a third party steps in and tells someone “so and so is so mad at you. So and so is really hurt by your actions bla bla bla” when in fact the other two people already have good communication skills with each other. Step back sil, they got it sorted out already.
NTA. I can understand SIL being scared of a large dog barking at her especially if she's not a fan of dogs. I'm not and honestly it would scare me too. Also I dont like having dogs in my house either. However OP gave some reasonable comprises and that SIL wouldn't even consider them makes her the AH.
Except the loud bark was an equivalent to a human teenager being stepped hard on the foot and let out an agonizing scream...
Load More Replies... SIL wants things the way SHE wants them, so no compromise. She's the AH. OP is doing such a great job of trying to look at things fairly that I bet she is glossing over things that have happened before. Willing to bet this is not the first time SIL has been unreasonable and controlling, but the behavior has been excused.
NAH. This is her baby. Babies require a commitment. If SIL stepped on a childs foot, and they screamed for an hour or had to taken to an emergerncy room, would she then not allow children there? SIL a foul mouthed and controlling POS and I would advise my brother to vist you from now on without her, as you won't be setting foot in 'her' neighborhood.
A dog isn't a child and never will be. A child is a human being and a dog is not. A dog is a dangerous ANIMAL and a liability that you can't expect others to bring to their home and to have around their guests. You aren't entitled to bring animals into people's houses, that's insane to expect. Most people would have said no the first time. As for reducing children to being the same as dogs, stop that. It's sickening to dehumanize any human in that way, especially vulnerable humans.
Load More Replies... Brother and wife should understand she signed up to take care of this living breathing animal and with it all it's problems, and she is doing exactly that. This creature is not a plant. You can't just feed it and expect it to grow on its own. It has needs and emotions, just like humans do. She's not choosing the dog over her brother, she's choosing to be responsible for a creature that depends on her. And she seems to be doing everything she can to help it overcome its problems. I admire a person that can take on the responsibility of caring for another creature without giving up on it. Besides, wife is using the dog as an excuse to cause a rift between family members, who the hell actually thinks it's suddenly aggressive by barking in pain?
Dog parents, like people parents, need to understand that their fur babies aren't always welcome any more than children are. My sister had is childfree, and her wedding was childfree. I had no babysitter for it, so I chose not to attend out of respect for her wishes. The same consideration should be applied by pet parents.
I don't understand why they declined for her to leave the dog in the car for 15 min. tho. The dog isn't in her home or yard or even walking around the block in her neighborhood which, anyone with a leashed dog would legally have the right to do. She just wanted to say hi and drop off a gift...
Load More Replies... This is like people who invite people who have multiple young children to their child-free weddings and then freak out when those people decline the invitation. You have every right to set rules for your own event, but no one is obligated to attend if they have other obligations.
NTA. The world should have more people like OP. She treats her rescue dog like an actual living, breathing creature deserving of love and kindness, not as if she were an end table or an item belonging in a curio cabinet. Lou couldn't be in better hands. However, the SIL is a beyotch that's FOS. She's using the dog as an excuse to alienate OP from her brother. The old divide-and-conquer routine. I sure hope that OP'S brother will see his wife for what she REALLY is, and get her shut down or out of there. I'm willing to bet that this isn't an isolated incident.
NTA, sorry but SIL seems way out of line, since she is harassing OP and considers barking aggressive so much that she doesn't want the dog in her neighborhood. Okay, Karen.
But I actually do like Karen Klinck Klinck, she's awesome. 🙂 wanted to make note of that just in case.
Load More Replies... I'm seeing a red flag in the SIL's behavior; she clearly has no empathy for the dog, and doesn't believe he deserves empathy. How far does this extend? Is she perhaps only faking empathy with the people in her life? What other beings does she believe are not worthy of empathy? Children? People from other countries or cultures? The disabled? People in menial service jobs?
Well first of all SIL ws the one who stepped on the dog causing pain and fright. Doggo didn't lash out or snap/bite, just barked and hid behind OP. SIL was aware pup had been abused as a puppy and was skittish, not aggressive. Sounds like SIL is the aggressive player in this scenario and is trying to gaslight OP for her own entitled aggressive Karen behavior. OP gave several alternatives for attending brother's birthday party, all of which were rejected with childish foot stomping excuses. OP'S entirely right in opting to not participate and SIL needs to shut the f**k up and accept the fact both she and her husband are the reason OP feels she's not welcome. Stand your ground girlfriend and let brother and SIL stew in their own juices. Send him a nice birthday text, card, whatever. Maybe a gift or gift card from Amazon, etc and move on. Good luck and love to puppy 🐶 ❤️
op never mentioned her brother has an objection to the dog--this is all SIL. What brother needs is to grow a pair of cojones and stand up to his wife. Jeez--this is HIS party! Not hers! Just from the SIL's attitude, this isn't the first demand,nor will it be the last.
Load More Replies... I have had Dogs my whole life. That wasn't aggression. Actually that was a good response, one that would tell me how docile he was. Geez something like a child running behind Mommy, when scared. I think Sister in Law is manipulating this situation Maybe she likes to boss her husband around. Maybe it's something bigger. Possible an excuse because she really doesn't want the Dog around. Some non Dog owners actually find Dogs gross and messy. So now she might be using this excuse, to keep him away. Me personally would of dropped down right there on the floor. And asked the Dogs forgiveness. With a sweet voice. One to show how sorry I was. While coaxing him over to forgive me, for being so clumsy.
Our beloved dog had SEVERE separation anxiety. She was actually on Xanax and Prozac. We went on a business trip. We had to leave her in a kennel. We'd only used one that a co worker of my husband worked at. Well, long story short, she was off that morning, left instructions not to leave her caged but give her yard time. She did well if she is could interact with other dogs. It did not have to be human contact. Apparently, she barked and barked to no avail. My dog had a heart attack at 6 years old. I was devastated beyond anything words can express. NTA you know your dog. You sound like you are doing event you can. SIL needs to get over herself especially because you offered options that included the dog not being on the property near guests. Her my way or the highway attitude is the real issue
I think it's crazy how the SIL is acting. Plus some people saying OP is giving up living her life. A dog is like a child that never grows up. So if someone is willing to take a dog in that have been abuse that person will be giving up their lives for a long time. It's like taking in a child from foster care that has been abuse it takes years to get their trust as well. So will someone be wrong for not wanting to get any babysitter to watch the child because you don't want kids at the party. Plus SIL don't own they neighborhood.
My kids are 18 1/2 years apart. My daughter got a dog that she got trained as a emotional support animal. After she got him she learned that his previously owner would starve him if he peed in the house or poop. My daughter had him trained but we had to watch people around him when he eats. One day my son when he was almost 19 months went to go and put a treat in the dogs bowl me not paying attention the dog was eating and thought someone was trying to take his food. He bit my son. I took my son to the hospital but I couldn't blame him. The trainer helped my daughter get the dog a eat corner that was lock off from anyone able to intrupt him especially kids. I kept my son from him even though my son was so use to playing with him. My daughter and Son In Law took turns sitting in the car with him when they came to see us.If we are on the porch and the dog sees us but he's not allow to come around my son he became really depress. He will whin all the way home after they left. One day my
Load More Replies... Poor brother, i think his wife is getting a bit too agressive, stepping on tails, barking his guests away, he should put her in the kitchen when have guests over
My mother preferred the basement; she needed the kitchen.
Load More Replies... Sil is the selfish one. You could still go briefly, leave the dog in the car, check on dog and get him out for walk, out back in car, visit bro, then leave. Don't tell sil, and if she finds out just tell her she gave you no choice. Or skip it and do dinner later, bro seems to understand. I have had dogs my whole life ,and used hemp treats for anxiety on one dog with some success. My friends and family get I am dog person so they deal with it. Do what you think is best. To me, dogs are family.
My parent's dog is already 7 years old. My mum brought it home (at about 6 months old) because it was abandoned. To this day, it still has separation anxiety. I haven't been able to take both my mum and my dad at the same time out for lunch, or whatever, as the dog starts crying, barking etc as soon as they leave the house. Is so sad and frustrating for me, as I can't plan anything with them, but I have to understand that they took the responsibility
It's the same with my parents. We can never go out to a family meal, and if one of them is out of town, the other is completely house-bound. What bugs me is that they aren't willing to get any training for the dog or a pet-sitter or anything.
Load More Replies... Your are not the a*****e. Your brother is a 40 year old grown a*s man, he can get over it. An already emotionally damaged puppy will not get over it. You made the right decision and your SIL can go f**k herself.
OP needs to keep looking for a pet sitter for the big birthday party, but long term maybe consider getting a second pet so they can keep each other company.
NTA, you sound like an amazing dog mom. You tried to compromise, it's very strange they won't allow your dog to sit in your car in their driveway and can't ban him from their neighborhood! It sounds like they're trying to control you by forcing you to be cruel to your dog. I'd make the same choice as you!
Yeah It's such an aggresive dog that it poses a threat even locked in the car on the driveway haha. I think SIL should ask the OP to move out further than 45min away so she can feel safer.
Also, I seriously think there is more going on here with SIL, not just regarding Lou! Have you always gotten along with SIL? Or has relationship always been a bit strained? How does she get along with other family members? I think the tail incident may just be an excuse for her to limit your contact with your brother! She may not like the fact that you and your bro have a close relationship, if you do have a close relationship anyway. Maybe it's just me but I'm sensing that she is not a very nice person! Also, your bro needs to grow a pair and not just capitulate to his wife all the time over his own family! This will strain relationships with a lot of family members!
The only AH I can see here is the SIL! She doesn't want the dog in their garden, their driveway, or their neighbourhood in general? Tell me, does she own the f*****g neighbourhood? I'm gonna say NO, she doesn't. So I would go for either option B or C, go over, leave Lou in the car, give brother his present, spend 10-15mins with him, then either take Lou a walk around the NH, spend another 15mins with bro, then leave! Also do your own belated birthday meal with your brother. SIL CANNOT tell you or anyone else what and whatnot to do in the NH!
SIL doesn't "even want the dog in the neighborhood"; what a narcissistic a*****e.
That was the tail end of my comment. The sister-in-law doesn't get to dictate that. Unless there's some local or city ordinance being violated, it's none of her business. Screw that a*****e.
Load More Replies... NTA: 1) if she was this upset over the barking she shoulda said something at the time. NOT hold onto it until she can use it against you. 2) dogs bark when hurt. N he RAN AWAY. that is far from agressive! My cats will nip if you step on their tail. Doesnt mean they are aggressive means "ow you jerk that hurt!" 3) the fact she made you brother confront you and not do it herself is low. 9/10 he is ok with your options. 4) you gave fair options n she said no to all of it INCULDING stopping by quick wirh the dog IN THE CAR. Shes just being petty. Sorry you n your pooch had to deal with that. (Also didnt she say she was "ok" with the barking when it happened? So much for that)
I can not believe some people don't read the AITA. She stated that she's working with a behaviourist and her dogs Vet. So some people need to get over it. I wouldn't be that bothered if OP couldn't attend. SIL needs to stop being so entitled and a jerk about this.
I was going to lean towards she WOULD b, but she provides 3 other options to try and attend, and there is a specific reason as to why the dog can't b left at home. Brother stated none of the options were acceptable, so I think she's fine. She tried to find a solution to attend and Brother wanted his way or the highway. To me, basically an ultimatum. When u give an ultimatum, u run the risk of it not going your way
The SIL didn't want a reasonable solution (if so she would have accepted one of the perfectly reasonable compromises); instead it's obvious that she wants to dominate OP by forcing her will, and she's furious that she didn't submit to her demands. Adults having tantrums is such an ugly sight.
Sorry but unless she owns every house in the neighborhood she has no right to say that you can't have your dog there therefore you could take your brothers present to him, meet him off of his property and give it to him and visit for a couple. Unless your SIL is a b***h and calls the police she can't do anything about it. I hate people who label a dog aggressive when it is not the animal but the human that makes them that way. Keep the dog ignore the SIL.
Sister in law has no right to say who the OP can have in her vehicle so I would go and bring my brother his gift, stay for a few minutes and SIL can KMA! I'm sorry if this sets me a part or makes me seem kinda like an AH but seriously I can see them saying don't bring the dog in my house or yard but they have no right to dictate anywhere emser that dog can go. The SIL has some serious control issues.
Unless it's a private, gated community, SIL has no leg to stand on saying she doesn't want the dog in the neighborhood. It's public streets, which means ANYONE can walk ANY dog there (provided they follow city laws, leash, etc).
It’s OP’s choice to decline the invitation, if she can’t find a sitter. I’m a HUGE animal lover, but I understand that some people are afraid of large dogs, and that should be respected. Also, if something would happen on SIL’s property that concerns the dog, SIL could legally be liable. I see good reason behind both sides, although the SIL shouldn’t have acted petty about it. OP attempted to compromise
A dog lover here with a slightly different perspective. It's quite possible that SIL has an unreasoning fear of dogs and that incident really triggered her because of her prior fear. That said she needs to take responsibility to get counseling to work on it. It's also possible that she may just be trying to manipulate people and assert her dominance over the environment. On your part, the fact that after 2 years the dog still can't be away from you more than an hour is a real issue. I realize that we're coming out of a pandemic and socializing dogs during the pandemic was more challenging for a lot of people. I think you need to get out more for doggy play dates at your and other peoples homes and leaving for periods of times so that your dog can adapt to more situations.
Wow, the sister-in-law is being insane. I really dislike dogs. No dogs in my house. But pretty much every offered solution from the OP is absolutely reasonable, though. What's with the garbage about not wanting the dog around the neighborhood? That's ludicrous and not something that the sister-in-law gets to control. Screw her.
Someone should come forward and step on her foot HARD, and see if she screams and runs away. Isn't a dog barking loudly exactly the same as human screaming loudly? She just hates dogs, and who knew if she didn't step on the tail intentionally?
Go for it, I'll step on LSIL's foot. While wearing combat boots.
Load More Replies... I'm not a big fan of dogs (I'm a cat person), but bulk of my family has a dog. I totally understand having a pet is also a part of your family. The SIL, in my opinion, just wanted to show authority concerning you bringing your dog. She should've chose/accepted one of the options given her. Since she didn't, she & your brother has no right to be upset the least but. It's the fault of the SIL for you not attending your brothers birthday. The dog had valid reason for barking. I'm so thankful my family is nothing like the SIL, pets are always welcome to each other's home.
Nta because I think she meant to step on her tail so she could ban her
NTA but a little bit extra. However, if their only compromise is "Do what we want" then what do they expect to happen?
OP should let SIL know that she can't come over to her house when her brother comes over. She shouldnt have anyone aggressive at her house and SIL was the aggressor by stepping on her dog's tail.
Also, if she's so worried about the dog being aggressive, it's another reason not to have her over. If she's worried about aggression, she shouldn't want to be around the dog at all. So don't expect to come over to OPs house.
Load More Replies... OP was a great person to adopt a dog who had been abused in the past. Takes a lot of patience. Brother and SIL aren't going to change their minds. So that discussion is fruitless. Don't know how OP copes with a dog that can't be alone for more than an hour. Getting a dog over separation anxiety takes a while. What does she do when she must run errands? Has the dog been crate trained? OP doesn't say she's married, but referred to "we've been. . " Can't that person stay with the dog, so that OP can go alone? Can the dog's trainer recommend someone to dogsit? I wouldn't let the SIL bully me. But there will be problems If you bring the dog. If all else fails, go drop off the present and leave or don't go at all.
I love dogs and had them growing up. Unfortunately, a request that a pet, like children, remain at home for functions, should be honored. I don't believe your dog is aggressive. But, SIL has the right to ask you not bring the furbaby.
Dogs aren't welcome everywhere, and they shouldn't be. That being said, it is entirely unreasonable to say a person can't even have a dog in their own car. Your sister in law is being a jerk and your brother is letting her. Skip the party.
Let me get this 💩 right. . You stepped on your SIL dog's tail..... he barked at you and now his the aggressive one... the biological brother , who don't have a backbone obviously, ummmm tell his sister to not bring the dog... they didn't give you much of an option... but the SIL called you selfish and an A hole.... first of all she got a line for calling you selfish but an Ahole as well.. that deserves an @$$ whipping... after you stepped on my dog's tail and call my dog aggressive and then call me an A hole... how she did go off on her SIL all that time. I don't have the slightest idea. Plus the poor dog suffers with Separation anxiety... and it's nothing nice I have a cat who suffers with that as well..
What angers me most, is that SIL is calling the dog aggressive, while it was her that was aggressive stepping on its tail.
Don't do what I did. My father demanded that I attend a family event but that I leave my three dogs at home, three hours away. A dog sitter was not an option. My counter offer included leaving the dogs in the car or sraying a short time. My dad rejected this. I told him then I would see him next time he was in town. He lived across the country We never spoke again. My father died of cancer 20 years later without ever asking to speak.
Sounds like that bark really triggered deep fear in SIL. Just as we don't know what's happened to the dog in the past, we don't know SIL's experience with dogs or even other animals. She may be admonishing the OP because she feels guilty about her fear getting in the way of OP's attendance. No AHs here, I think. Just a couple of walking wounded who both need compassion and support to get over their issues.
I'm not a dog person. bitten once by a stray when I was 7. but, if I am in this situation, and I don't want any dog to be near me, someone taking turns to walk the dog would be the best option for me. the dog won't be left alone. and I got to be with the people that I love for the celebration.
So now crying when someone hurts you is an act of aggression??? Nah, the dog was just a convenient scapegoat.
NTA, it's really sad your SIL would rather be in the center of some drama than to work with you to find a solution for her husbands happiness. Honestly I would not bring the dog over anyway. I would be extremely worried SIL would purposely behave poorly in order to get a reaction out of the dog. Like what she is doing with you right now. It is difficult dealing with separation anxiety I'm so glad this pup found a human who loves and cares so much for him/her.
NTA OP has had her Fur Baby for 2 years now, so it's not like the SIL didn't know about Lou's bad separation anxiety. OP is working with a trainer, and gave three very logical alternatives, so that she could to her brother's party, and still have her Fur Baby with her, and her brother and SIL declined them, and went over the top when they declined even. Lou was abused as a puppy, and her tail was stepped on, and it hurt, so she barked, and hid behind OP, that right there shows that Lou isn't an aggressive dog. I've got a Chihuahua that I've nicknamed " The Tiny Tyrant ", and if her tail was stepped on, she would've turned around, and gone ballistic on the SIL. My Fur Baby gets triggered, and I don't know her full history, because she's a rescue, but her groomer and I decided to only bring her to the groomers for nail trims, because I could stay with her. She would huddle in the back of the crate,her head down, and she would get depressed, because I wasn't there. SIL needs to chil.
I HATE stupid a*s bitches that hurt an animal, and then when that animal defends itself; the ANIMAL is at fault. F**k that c**t, and if your brother wants to be that far up her twat, then f**k his a*s too. About to start going around de-dicking people. If you can't be agreeable, then you F*****G yeet into the damn sun for all I care. And before you ask me what I feel human life is valued at? I'll kill you with the same damn easiness that I kill my dinner with.
I know people love their pets, but not everyone loves being around them. Its a party and your SIL has to be concerned about all her guests even the ones who may be afraid of animals. I do not care how mant solutions you gave her, you should be able to go to an event without your pet. And even though you offered to take your brother to dinner AFTER his party, if I were your brother I would be very disappointed. Unless it is a service animal, pets are not supposed to be in every situation just because we love them.
The only time a dog belongs in someone's home, other than the owner, is if the dog is a service dog. There may be other individuals visiting who are allergic to the dog, or simply afraid of dogs. It's a problem if you can't visit with someone in their home for more than ten or fifteen minutes because of a pet.
I kept seeing so many comments about not leaving the dog alone is a problem and yes it can be for a normal dog but when an animal is abused there are extra steps to get things a bit more normal. The fact the dog isn't aggressive after something traumatic says a lot about the dog themselves. But acting like this woman is wrong for choosing to remain home due to circumstances after compromises were tried just shows those people care more about socializing than caring about someone or something who may need them. I mean if a child has separation anxiety after being abused should they be left with any random sitter or even potentially by themselves at a certain age, no absolutely not but because it's a dog somehow socializing is more important. The brother clearly understood since he quickly agreed to the dinner. And to try to gaslight by calling someone an ah for choosing the best option of what they were given is just sad. But I'll bet anything that sil didn't even apologize for the dog
They (brother and SIL) obviously don't want you at the party. That's why they placed unreasonable demands and are trying to exercise excessive control over your life. Don't do it, don't go and don't feel guilty. Send a card and or gift. Maybe even facetime them with you AND your dog. Happy birthday. Btw, this is what the term kiss my a$$ was designed for.
I love all of my siblings, but, they all know I'd throw them to the wolves in a heartbeat for my pets, those are my baby angels and as such will always come first. My pets aren't just my first choice, but, my only choice, they're spouses also know better than to be b****y about it cause I will ruin their lives if I think they've become a problem. So no, I don't think this woman is in the wrong and I helpfully suggest she taser that utterly worthless SIL of hers until said SIL's hair catches on fire.
Just my personal opinion here and YMMV. This isn't even about the dog; the dog is only an excuse. OP's SIL, for whatever reason, wants to drive a wedge between the siblings and create drama as well. It's all about control. I'm sorry OP has a difficult dog but, y'know, traumatized animals need good homes too so I applaud what OP is doing to rehabilitate him..
SiL stepped on and hurt the dog then got mad because the dog cried? I don't know that I would want that woman around children!
The sister is respecting the brother and SIL wishes. She even had suggestions. They said no. She said she can't come. They need to also be respectful of her wishes. Don't be one sided. Also, the SIL can't control who has what in her neighborhood, or anyone's car. She is sounding very b****y here. It is cool to not want a dog at your house. When you make statements that you fo not want a dog in your neighborhood or in a car you are an entitled person. It is not her neighborhood. Her neighbors can have whatever dog they want. If the sister parted on the street down more and asked the neighbors if she could park there 15 min. I'd the SIL going to tell the neighbors that they can't do, or have, what they want in their own yard? Does she think she is the queen of the world or something? I have met people like this. They make no sense.
YTA. A dog should NEVER be prioritized over family. This dog may be unredeemable. You say she’s been in training for 2 years and can’t be left alone for more than an hour? Either your trainer sux or you have a ticking time bomb on your hands. The SIL seems to be the only intelligent person here. That dog has no business being anywhere near a social gathering. Just because she hasn’t been aggressive to you does NOT mean she won’t in a crowd. You don’t understand animal behavior and that makes you the most dangerous animal owner out there. This isn’t a human you can reason with. This is an ANIMAL, an aggressive breed at that, that can and will lash out aggressively when scared. YTA!!!! Yes, I know what I’m talking about as this is my profession.
SIL also isn't a human you can reason with. You know, being that she hurt the dog and...idk expected it not to react negatively, I guess.
Load More Replies... Brother is 40 give me a break. birthday parties are for KIDS is your brother an overgrown child? Your 3 options were thoughtfully planned and your SIL is just an AH if they can't put up with your dog in your car for 15 mins your brother doesn't deserve a present what exactly have they done for you. If they are that petty they don't deserve you and I'd make them beg you for forgiveness. Congratulations on having a pet and treating it correctly maybe your SIL should get a trainer. NTA
In my family we always celebrated birthdays, a special meal, a cake, and a family gathering. Not a kid's birthday party, of course, but still a nice time to connect.
Load More Replies... So is there like a persistent typo here where OP meant to write that her brother was turning 4 and it just kept coming up 40? Why would anyone give a s**t about a "man's" birthday party? Why would leaving your dog in a car for even a nano second even be an option to appease some man baby who thinks birthdays after the age of 12 are something to celebrate? Take care of your dog lady. He's the only one in this whole scenario that gives a s**t about you.
Sounds like your SIL is nothing more than a control freak, while trying to throw a guilt trip on you... That being the case, I would rather stay home with my dog if I were in that situation...
I don't like your SIL for two reasons: 1) she's not a dog person and 2) seems awfully keen on the passive aggressive behavior. You just go ahead and take your bro out to dinner and hopefully don't invite his wife.
NTA but I like the info person. There's something weird about all of it. Some pet moms seem to make their pets sicker rather than healthier. Manchausen by proxy type of behavior but since it's not with children is below the radar
Dogs aren't children and they never will be. Your dog is just a pet and its insane to me that you think you should be able to bring a dog to anyone's house. Especially one with so little training it can't even be left alone. You aren't entitled to bring a DOG to anyone's house, that's absurd. Train it already and stop expecting people to let you bring a dog to their house. I'd never let anyone bring a dog to my house, they were being overly nice even letting you before.
People who expect to take a pet with them everywhere they go are a******s. Now of that were a person such as your girlfriend/partner/fiance/wife on the other hand, you should never go anywhere where they arent welcome along with you as that is betrayal and you abandoning your significant other while showing everyone that you condone the psychological abuse of making them appear insignificant to you and that is a form of social bullying that only the worst type people encourage.
Why didn't the brother help work out a compromise? Sounds like the wife runs the marriage
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If the dog has anxiety issues, isn't it a bad idea to bring her to a big party? There's no way this is good for the dog. The idea of the dog's "safe people" taking turns walking her in the neighborhood is the only viable option. And I'm with the person who commented that staying with the dog 24/7, never more than an hour break, is not sustainable. No trainer would recommend doing this long term. I'm concerned that OP has some issues of her own where she's convincing herself she needs to be with the dog constantly. She reminds me of stories I've read here where a parent is glued to a disabled child to the point they neglect all other obligations, miss their other kid's wedding because "nobody can watch him but me," etc. Or perhaps the dog lets OP ignore and mask agoraphobia.
Honestly, I raised 4 abused rescued pitbulls that were never a threat to anyone. It's people like you who stereotype breeds that make people afraid. Animals deserve our time and love. They don't understand what happened to them, human adults should be able to understand they can't always get what they want. You're the problem not the OP.
Load More Replies... Then maybe read the article before commenting, then you might not jump to conclusions next time.
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