40 New Funny Tweets By Married People That Perfectly Sum Up Marriage

My husband cannot look behind the orange juice. It's like some sort of law of physics. He cannot move the OJ to find something else. So I hide chocolate there.

hysterical

I've sprinted for less :D

New boredpanda article idea: Questions You Will Regret Asking Your Spouse.

alter-hate-ion

wish i could upvote more

Funny cos it's true lol

Fire her!

The inventor of AutoCorrect is going straight to Hull

or I don't want any fries- then she eats yours

Wait, who is Diane?

lmao 😂

Your wife is right

ROFL - totally true. Do NOT mess with bed boundaries

That is brilliant. Why didn't I think of this? I have to rely on being able to recognise the sound of my partner's car as he pulls into the drive and a speedy reaction with the TV control.

Now THAT is how you do passive agressive

Ah, the good old days before Corona.

Did you marry my husband?

A husband is just a child his mommy couldn't handle any more.

Haha

If that aint love i dont know what is

Ouch!

Shenanigans and trickery!

Damn now I'm worried I'm doing milk wrong

Who are you again?

4. WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS DEBATING ME????!!!!

The good old days when psychopaths only existed in movies XD

UHHH...Elephants are silent walkers...

I have a friend that whenever his wife gets mad at him he tightens the jar of pickles as hard as he can to force her to come to him to open it forcing her to speak to him lol married 60 years

Awww... sweet

Did he lie and say he was cheating on you with a woman to cover up the pizza truth?

Now imagine what would have happened if he mentioned that super tan lady they saw walking down the street last week....

This guy posts a lot...about his wife,his kids...and it seems his entire life is played out with a dialogue from a sitcom...seriously..I can almost hear the canned laughter with every tweet!

Our kitchen isn't even big enough for both of us to be in it at the same time

My wife says I don't listen. The other day she was going on about eating healthy and some other stuff.

Does this include what the other person did in your dreams? Cause last night in my dream my husband went on vacation without me but this morning he refuses to apologize like "I don't even know why you are mad at me!" Oh you know why, Bob. You know why.

My girlfriend will randomly return from the gas station with a 32oz soda for me if I haven't gone with her that time. Not every time, like two out of three, so it's a surprise when it happens. It's a small thing, but to me, that's a part of the love language; It says she loves me and was thinking of me

This does sound familiar and 5 years isn't the limit.

You should have claimed it was not intended for him ... THAT gets things moving

😆 A few months after moving in to our home, our elderly neighbors were out working in their yard when the wife yelled ""OH, SHOVE IT UP YOUR #$%!" and stomped inside, slamming the door. My husband and I looked at each other lovingly and agreed that we want to be just like them when we grow old.

Love her name

Warning: TMI Well, honestly i wear them all year long except for my period(when i use normal pads). Not for urine, but a discharge. I hate it on panties. But that's the price for being "ready" all the time, so i don't. complain.

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Women are known for being immaculately tidy with their clothes, of course.

Every. Bloody. Time.

True. I always feel like my partner is not on my side when he doesn't hate the things/people I hate. Oh, the betrayal!

And you're surprised. *sigh...* :D

It's a lot to drink in one go!

But smiling in your sleep would.

This year I thought I remembered before she did and texted her "Happy Anniversary". Only to find out she had emailed me "Happy Anniversary" 30 minutes earlier. So close.

*Wakes up halfway through* Wait.. pause it. What did I miss? Must have nodded off there for a sec.

Sounds like a country song.

Well just wiggle a bit and change the channel

This is why I take pictures of items I know my husband won't remember and text them to him.

Some people really do walk loudly. Trust me, we have floorboards.

I don't get this one. But it in a way I can't explain.

She has no idea where her phone is, it's in silent mode... (it's in her bra).

yes , you are supposed to say your wife's name, then skip

Lmao!! How is this so low? This is the entire relationship experience.

Hahahahaha we’ve done this too. “Thanks for going for me!”

My husband would SO say that! He can turn the most innocent comment into a sexual innuendo. Or is that all men?

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I'm so glad I made a vow never to marry.

Home is where you love to take a dump.

Yes, it is.

Chivalry is not dead.

no her 10 year old child coincidentally has the same name as the baby that she was going to have at her baby shower 10 years ago, and it is completely by coincidence that they would share the same birthday. That baby that she was supposed to have is hidden in the void now. There is no return.