30 Hilarious Tweets That Show What Marriage Is All About

But kids fix on their own if you scratch or bend them.

Experience has shown me that women are excellent judges of character, and poor judges of lumber.

children are more flexible

oof

Kids are flexible, you know..

It's the reverse of going somewhere for free food.

Good game plan

That’s kinda awesome

ha ha ha

This is great. I have to remember to use this line next time my Mom invites people over because my husband would never hide snacks from me, hahaha. But mom? yes!

For the same reason people in slasher movies never listen to me when I tell them "not there" or "behind you" ;p

Sports are dumb.

Is he gesturing? Gotta put those hands and feet to work!!

No, this is sex after kids. Being married is irrelevant.

If you have kids. Not an issue if you don't.

Are we there yet??

Precisely.

Absolutely! We both travel a lot and joke we have million dollar sex: it only happens when we both stay in the same hotel together!

Why do I get the feeling that being married is like being really, *really* close friends with someone?

Retort: Handbag.

My ex-husband used to come home, take off one shoe by the door, then clomp around the house for a while in just the one shoe. Eventually he'd get sick of it and take it off in some random place. Next morning, he can't find one of his shoes. So, I have to find it for him, and he was always suspicious because he had no idea he was doing this, and since I could find the shoe, maybe I was hiding it every day(?) So, so funny....Ex-husband, though.

I'm old as dirt and I have never once lost my keys. Or wallet.

I wish I had known this when I started dating my (now) husband. Then I wouldn't have been running all over town at 2 am looking for his bloody keys, to then be told they're in his pocket. "I didn't look in THAT pocket" Since then, I always double check. 😑

*goes back to room and puts on pants. Walks out triumphantly.*. Ready!

My husband cannot match an outfit to save his life. I've tried laying out his clothes for him, but he ignores that, goes in the closet and always picks out shirts and pants that don't match. Then he gets mad at me when I tell him that his bright green shirt does not match those dark blue pants. I did not notice his lack of fashion sense before we married because he was in the army. He was always in uniform, or wearing blue jeans and a T-shirt back then.

in our house it was the other way around

I am convinced the inoculation a baby girl first receives contains the phrase, “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Yes, but I'm sure that you were only doing that because you were impressed that you knew to stop all on your own.

Hilarious!!

Haha...

My friend had received a gift from her relatives in Finland. A small jar of Arctic Raspberry jam. The Arctic Raspberry may well be the most delicious fruit on the planet, it is a small, wild berry that one does not find in any huge quantities so this was a real treat, a gift of love, something to dip the very edge of your spoon into once in a while to make it last. And last it did. For a few days. Then her husband had some friends over for football - and ice cream. They found a jar of jam in the fridge. It went well with the ice cream. Surprisingly, they are all still alive and there is no end to my admiration of this woman's self control.

snackaccident - so stealing this... it describes nearly everything I eat, at any time.

I'm going to use that next time I eat all my husbands snacks! Or better yet, I'll eat his snacks so I can use that!

Mine does that with bacon...ALL the bacon.

BROOKLYN 99

My "favorite" is when I was 8 months pregnant, instead of helping put together the nursery my husband decided he just HAD to build some new wall in the rev room so he could put a door in it. Instead of using the existing doorway.

Every husband ever!!!