Marriage is full of ups and downs, highs and lows, and as with anything in life - the struggles of it can be taken with a dash of humor. The arguments themselves can be funny, especially when they arise over something trivial, like leaving a kitchen cabinet open. Bored Panda has compiled a list of hilarious tweets for you that reveal the harsh-but-funny truths of marriage and the raw nature of it. Scroll down below to read all 60 of them and leave a vote for those that you like.

#1
bubble girl

My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

1:08 PM - 20 Jun 2017

JessObsess Report

Night Owl 3 months ago

Priorities

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#2
The Dad Briefs™

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

5:10 PM - 9 Feb 2019

SladeWentworth Report

Victoria Rey Piuma 3 months ago

Perfect

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#3

WHY WON'T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

10:38 AM - 9 Sep 2018

Peauxtassium Report

Night Owl 3 months ago

He needs to scream louder

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#4
WTFDAD

Married sex is like traveling. It takes planning, the conditions need to be right, and everyone has to pee before getting started.

11:22 AM - 13 Apr 2019

daddydoubts Report

Eagle Girl 3 months ago

..but you don't need a raincoat

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#5

me: Have you seen my keys?
wife: No. Did you check your pocket?
me: Yeah
wife: Both of them?
me [mocking] "Both of them?”
wife:
me *finds keys* No

10:22 AM - 8 Jan 2019

iwearaonesie Report

ember avery 3 months ago

its like when you lose something and check everywhere, and your mom tells you to look somewhere you've already looked but you check there anyway and find it there

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#6
Simon Holland

Wife: is that what you’re wearing?
Me: I guess not.

5:28 AM - 3 Feb 2019

simoncholland Report

M O'Connell 3 months ago

My partner does this all the time. I'm colorblind! How the hell am I supposed to know these two pieces of clothing "go together" ? One covers my legs, one covers my shoulder legs, they "go together".

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#7
Chad Read

Before marriage, I would sit at stop lights for hours because I had no one to tell me the light had changed to green.

4:50 PM - 7 Feb 2019

squirrel74wkgn Report

Eagle Girl 3 months ago

Before marriage you probably didn't know to put the seat down but now, bc someone loves you, you do :)

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#8
Lisabug BBQJonze

My husband ate all the cookies and called it a snacksccident. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

11:42 PM - 1 Feb 2019

Lisabug74 Report

glowworm2 3 months ago

I'd forgive him just for using such an adorable play on words!

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#9

houseandhens Report

MadMom 3 months ago

YES! Alphabetizing the CDs is not what I had in mind.

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#10
Cameron Esposito

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

10:34 PM - 6 Feb 2018

cameronesposito Report

Elizabeth 3 months ago

my husband is usually the one moving my glasses, he sees them and thinks they are in a bad spot. When I wake up I need help, because of him!

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#11
*sigh*clops

Wife: I just vacuumed so don't make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don't make a mess dad

Me: I'm not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

11:18 AM - 16 Apr 2019

DadZZZasleep Report

Eagle Girl 3 months ago

*sigh*clops! Awesome screen name!!

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#12
Simon Holland

We put new shelves in the garage and have talked for 3 days about what a game changer they are. This is peak marriage.

7:03 PM - 21 Feb 2019

simoncholland Report

He is love 3 months ago

Oh man, there is a special feeling from putting up shelves!

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#13

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

8:21 PM - 22 Jan 2019

iwearaonesie Report

Benjamin Boysley 3 months ago (edited)

It's so he could Cheeto death :P

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#14
Sarcastic Mommy

Instead of my husband asking me what I want to watch, he asks me what I want to fall asleep to & that pretty much sums up a marriage.

5:15 PM - 26 Jan 2019

sarcasticmommy4 Report

RacconLifeGirlie 3 months ago

Without fail, my father will fall asleep to ANY movie that we watch.

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#15
Henpecked Hal

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

11:16 AM - 29 Nov 2018

HenpeckedHal Report

Victoria Rey Piuma 3 months ago

😂😂😂😂 perfect!

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#16
Mommy Owl

Being a husband means that sometimes you are required to answer questions like, “What’s the name of the guy from the place who does the thing?”

6:04 PM - 29 Jun 2018

Lhlodder Report

Rebekah 3 months ago

... and they know...

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#17
Super Mark

Wife: Do you want to come home at lunchtime today for a quickie?

Me: It’s pronounced quiche.

6:09 AM - 5 Feb 2019

supermarkusa Report

Nicole Matthews 3 months ago

now i have a brain image of a penis with scrambled eggs on it.....

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#18
Melvin of York

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

10:05 PM - 1 Feb 2019

MelvinofYork Report

M O'Connell 3 months ago

lol

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#19
Jessie

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

5:40 AM - 25 Feb 2019

mommajessiec Report

Night Owl 3 months ago

The key word being finally

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#20
Jessie

I get my hair cut and colored and my husband doesn’t notice for an entire week, but I draw one penis on his face and he notices the very next morning.

5:58 AM - 8 Apr 2019

mommajessiec Report

Victoria Rey Piuma 3 months ago

Men! *smh*

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#21
Abe Yospe

Talked with another dad about how much I hate shopping with my wife at Old Navy for 10 minutes before I realized that he was a mannequin.

6:35 PM - 27 Feb 2019

Cheeseboy22 Report

Night Owl 3 months ago

Hey, at least he listened without interrupting

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#22
smerobin

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

4:00 PM - 12 Mar 2019

smerobin Report

Ben Smith 3 months ago

You are well within your rights to divorce him. He knew what he was doing. He has to pay the price

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#23

Day 2,098 of marriage: Husband still doesn’t know where the Tupperware lives.

4:22 PM - 1 Mar 2019

ThatMummyLife Report

Ana Fuentes 3 months ago

yeah, my hubby was looking for a bowl, he spend about a minute looking. me: what are you looking for? hubby: a bowl me: they are right here, where they have always been. hubby: well they where not their 8 years ago me: no, but they were there 7 1/2 years ago.

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#24
ADHDean

Being married to me:

Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me

2:14 PM - 12 Mar 2019

ADHDeanASL Report

Jill 3 months ago

My husband just had his 52nd birthday. So i congratulated him on being able to tolerate me for so many years.

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#25
Lady Lawya

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

2:36 PM - 26 Jan 2019

Parkerlawyer Report

Blue Cicada 3 months ago

That shows the great depth of love for you and compassion for the waiter.

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#26
Simon Holland

We are three days into a discussion about if getting a toaster oven would be worth sacrificing the counter space. Marriage is wild y’all.

5:54 PM - 10 Feb 2019

simoncholland Report

Eagle Girl 3 months ago

Well. since garage shelves were a "game changer" guess you won't be needing the counter space for sex so, Yeah~ Go Hog Wild!

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#27
Chad Read

If you’re one of the eight people in this world that my wife hasn’t told yet, she’s been on the Keto diet for 18 minutes and it’s absolutely amazing.

8:36 PM - 19 Mar 2019

squirrel74wkgn Report

M O'Connell 3 months ago

There is an ancient Chinese proverb: If a vegan does CrossFit, which do they tell you about first?

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#28
brent

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

7:23 AM - 5 Dec 2018

murrman5 Report

Erin 3 months ago

Don't do it, I hate being left handed. Everything is built for righties :(

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#29

How much do I love my wife?
Two full seasons of Riverdale. That’s how much.

12:50 AM - 21 Aug 2018

StoneAgeRadio13 Report

Ana Fuentes 3 months ago

all the seasons of Downton Abby, 3 seasons of Victoria, 3 seasons of the Crown, 3 seasons of Versalles, and 8 seasons of Game of Thrones.

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#30
Simon Holland

You may be married but you aren’t married married until you are in a home furnishings store together and you brought your own tape measure.

10:21 AM - 12 Feb 2019

simoncholland Report

Xoxo 3 months ago

And color swatches and paint chips

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