Get Premium
Dark mode theme is available exclusively for premium users. Learn more about the benefits of subscribing.
No fees, cancel anytime.
Dark Mode 
No fees, cancel anytime 
then open in external browser
and click "Open in External Browser" 
If you've read any Bible teachings, you'll know that Old Testament God is a major asshole. Petty, vain, vindictive, and genocidally violent, he gleefully wrought havoc on his creations before his son eventually showed up with more merciful corrections of God's plans.
So what was up with his creation story in those days, when he was busy making the complex wonders of the world that he would go on to torture sadistically? This collection of tongue-in-cheek religious jokes, collected by us here at Bored Panda, hilariously imagines God's creation strategies as he came up with the animals, the sun, the planets and yes, even those little hell-raisers that he created in his own, twisted image: us. Scroll down below to check the best tweets we've found out for yourself, and don't forget to vote for your 'God creating animals' favorites! (Facebook cover image: Charlie Day)
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Hans 6 years ago
And fangs! And hairs! And make it make "tap tap tap" sounds when trying to escape...
Wyndmere 6 years ago
Eee-Gads! Where do you live that has spiders like that??!!! -- I never want to go there.
Load More Replies...
Slune 6 years ago
I know what it's meant, but it sounds like a type of tapeworm
Load More Replies...
The Dutches 6 years ago
If I have a nightmare, there is always a spider in it.
Load More Replies...
RELATED:
#2
Sage Jay 6 years ago
t h e a v e r a g e n u m b e r o f l e g s o n a c e n t i p e d e i s 3 5 p a i r s
#3
#4
Amy Lynn 6 years ago
Corgi:. Where's my tail? God:. It's perfectly fine. [Monkey swings by] Corgi:
Virgil Blue 6 years ago
And that is important when making jokes about God DIYing animals I guess?
Load More Replies... 
#5
Kjorn 6 years ago (edited)
ANGEL: How can i make it undrinkable? GOD: pee in it! That way it will be salty
glowworm2 6 years ago
Also, put tons of jellyfish in there. I want to scare the c**p out of them.
Virgil Blue 6 years ago
And make the painfully fatal ones little transparent ice cubes with meters long gossamer death strings.
Load More Replies...
meow point1 6 years ago
Angel: What?! Why?! God: But on the bright side, make it so that when it evaporates, it falls from the sky and this sky-water is now drinkable.
FortnitePlayerGirl 6 years ago
Actually, sharks don't kill people like they do in the movies. We're really scared of sharks just because of the movie Jaws.
Load More Replies...
Virgil Blue 6 years ago
Anger issues at the very least in the O.T. seems like he got some divine therapy before the N.T. because he's a lot more mellow there.
Load More Replies... 
Aria Whitaker 6 years ago
Also...be sure to include a swimming welcome mat that has a stinger for a tail, that should be fun ;)
#6
Nini Meow 6 years ago
It'll destroy the motive with which God made humans..
Load More Replies...
Hans 6 years ago
Moreover, it has some hair left, which it will motly shave, and several others things that it does not really need, like the ability to have goosebumps.
FortnitePlayerGirl 6 years ago (edited)
Well, I don't have the skin of a pig at all! I don't sunburn like them, either!
#7
Антон Христов(Anton Hristoff) 6 years ago
Well only in English a chicken can be a D*CK.. :D :D :D
JessG 6 years ago
Well, technically, that conversation wouldn't be in English either then
Load More Replies... #8
Hans 6 years ago
Well, at least according to the old testament god would not really be vegan. Or is sacrifying but not eating an animal vegan? I guess not...
Toby Comics 6 years ago
https://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2019/02/13
Load More Replies...
Aaron Kara 6 years ago
G - What are they doing now?! - A - There's a black food trend sir, they're making charcoal burger buns G - That's it, I'm going down there
Marnee DeRider 6 years ago
Okay, but drinking baby milk from a mother that is not of your own species is really, really weird, when you stop and think about it. And any human drinking milk who doesn't still have their "milk teeth" is an odd person, when you really stop to think about it.
HoffLensMetalHedLovesAnimalsUK 6 years ago
It is a strange thing we drink another species milk, no other species does that. We are not made for cows milk, it causes bloating, acne, diarrhoea and all sorts. Nasty s**t.
Virgil Blue 6 years ago
I'm pretty much your opposite. Soy and almond milk are mildly dangerous to me ; )
Load More Replies...
#9
Антон Христов(Anton Hristoff) 6 years ago
Antheater? Cool! What's the next play? *few moments later* Uh.. oh sh*t..
#10
Amanda Ferraz 6 years ago
I remember at an aquarium watching a fish eat another's poop while still attached
#11
Luis Milian 6 years ago
he could have kept the part that they die once their needle on its butts comes off...
#12
Being Mean Is Your Own Issue. 6 years ago
Curious.... even if you believe God created animals, does that mean God then told humans what they were all called? In thousands of different languages? Did they come with tags on saying what they were? Or did humans make up the names? Yes I know it's a joke and yes I know it's a stupid question, I'm just genuinely curious as to what the bible says about this!
JessG 6 years ago
Adam named the animals, but that's just Bible nonsense. different languages came later of course. In other words, humans named everything.
Load More Replies...
#13
Gonzalo Terán 6 years ago
GOD: "And for $20 more, I´ll not freeze your a*s off to extinction down the line..." MAMMOTH: "Those were my last $20, I don´t have any money left..." GOD: "Though luck, buddy"
Marnee DeRider 6 years ago
I thought it was coming out of the ice age into a warmer climate that helped killed off so many of the species of huge mammals, not cooling?
Load More Replies...
Taryn Jacobson 6 years ago
GOD: $40 needs to be given too Mammoth: Or what GOD: or you go down to where he lives DEVIL: sooo dont pay!!
#14
Darryl Kerrigan 6 years ago
When the snake appeared in the garden of Eden, didn't it have wings? It has to grovel on it's belly nowadays cos of it's dirty dirty data sharing
Jenifer Cappello 6 years ago
Shimmied right up the apple tree. Never try short change a snake.
Rebel Angel 6 years ago
When God created Snakes at first they had some sort of legs and them slithering was part of the punishment
#15
Hans 6 years ago
Oh, did you never see a coconut nurture their young? Remember, they are nocturnal!
Wyndmere 6 years ago
I stayed up all night, waiting and watching to catch this on film, but all I saw was a banana spider chasing a tree frog.
Load More Replies... 
Amanda Ford 6 years ago
Maybe this is where drop bears came from! They're hairy and they kill you if they land on you! Nah, stupid.
Foxyloxylou 6 years ago
No, its a good theory! Dang drop bears, killing all my blockheads
Load More Replies... #16
#17
#18
- 6 years ago
OOOOOOOOOOF (cause, you know, when there was a swarm of frogs to try and free the people from the egyptians?)
Άρης Παπαδόπουλος 6 years ago
Angel: But it's OK because yesterday you fell asleep on the locust button. Two wrongs DO equal one right!
Jenifer Cappello 6 years ago
Did he also lean on the locusts, famine and gnats buttons as well?
Foxyloxylou 6 years ago
He fell asleep on the locust button, he set his drink down on the famine button, and he sat on the gnat button (Its farther down so the little angels could reach it when needed)
Load More Replies... 
Foxyloxylou 6 years ago
During bible times, in Egypt there was a swarm of frogs when God was trying to convince the Pharaoh (Fair-oh) to release God's people. This person made it a joke, saying he was leaning on a button.
Load More Replies... #19
#20
PeachPossum 6 years ago
Love that 1920s jocular slang: the bee's knees, the flea's eyebrows, the cat's whiskers, the cat's meow, the cat's pajamas, the monkey's eyebrows, the snake's' hips, and the canary's tusks, the eel's ankle... Some are much earlier: 'bee's knees' is mentioned in Mr. Goggles by Henry Collins Brown, published 1907, but is in the context of food. I am reminded of such delicacies as hummingbird's tongues.
meow point1 5 years ago
And when He created cats, He gave them the greatest pyjamas and meow of all time, too.
StarKitten 6 years ago
Give them a movie and have the script be (I can't remember the term right now)
#21
Reilly Beryll 6 years ago
“Make the bottom of its toes cute beans. And give it tiny daggers on its toes.”
Aaron Kara 6 years ago
"I want it to have the casual confidence of a creature that thinks it owns everything there ever was"
Amanda Ford 6 years ago
And has the attitude and skills of an apex predator while being smaller than a breadbox!
Analyn Lahr 6 years ago
They sure do. My cat acts like some minimalist interior designer sometimes.
Антон Христов(Anton Hristoff) 6 years ago
...and loves to run infront of moving cars... at.the.last.f*****g.moment.....
#22
#23
PeachPossum 6 years ago
God: Don't be giving me any lip, Sloth, or I'll name a deadly sin after you.
#24
Aaron Kara 6 years ago (edited)
G: Give it the perpetual muscle structure of Dwayne The Rock Johnson - A: Who's Dway- - G: Something I've been working on
spacemanfromthe80s 6 years ago
Imagine this like an office meeting with tables, papers and pens... Sharon is Pam, angel #2 is Dwight, God is Michael.... This is perfect
#25
TropicalPanda 6 years ago
imagine ostriches flying and taking a dump on your vehicles... or even you !!!
PandaLover 6 years ago
G: oh yeah, and your eyeballs take up more of your skull than your brain....
#26
athornedrose 6 years ago
God: no spoilers gecko! that hasn't happened yet! your time will come!
Loki 6 years ago (edited)
Geigo? The insurance company? The mascot is a gecko? That's their slogan?
Load More Replies...
Wyndmere 6 years ago
Gecko: I will make their smoke detectors go off every 2 minutes by shorting them out with all the trails I will leave.
Kris Snyder 6 years ago
the only one that matters now is the gecko do whatever it takes to keep him alive
#27
Jasmine Walker 6 years ago
Oh my mosquitoes? Doesn't quite make sense, but ok. ;)
Load More Replies... Aaron Kara 6 years ago
But make them crazy productive, and STRONG!...like just lifting s**t here and there lol
#28
Tim P. 6 years ago
Good call big guy! Made them economic too! They just eat the grass in the yard
TwiceRice23 6 years ago
...they actually require more upkeep and expense than cars.
Load More Replies...
Taryn Jacobson 6 years ago
ANGEL: oh god! i just searched the internet for a rocking chair and a horse that rocks came up. GOD: Where did you think i got the idea idiot!?!?
#29
#30
Wyndmere 6 years ago
Sorry, screen scrolled when I sneezed - this belongs on a diff post.
Load More Replies...
Luis Hernandez Dauajare 6 years ago
Angel: any sounds? God: just made them go "Hoo" Angel: Who? God: The owls... Angel: Yes. What sound? God: Did I stutter? Hoo! Angel...
#31
LOttawa 6 years ago
I'll take a guinea pig over a tiger any day. They are so cute and I dont have to worry about being devoured.
Alusair Alustriel 6 years ago
That's probably why guinea pigs are pets and tigers aren't :P
Load More Replies...
Kris Snyder 6 years ago
hey my guinea pig is the best f*****g thing i've ever had. he's my little screaming potato
#32
released kraken 6 years ago
and also you only live about 13 years because your body grows old faster than humans
Joy Kinas 6 years ago
Because they already know what unconditional love is. They dont have to take the time to learn... that's why we outlive them... :(
Load More Replies... 
Leo Umbras 6 years ago
dog: whimpers god: also we'll make you like the humans dog: wags tail god: go-ooo-od.... >:)
#33
CrazyCatLady 6 years ago
Had to think about that one for a minute... ploink... got it *giggles*.
Load More Replies...
#34
Amanda Ferraz 6 years ago
There was a study in Brazil, comparing a public bathroom door (not those chemical stalls), a supermarket cart handle and a money bill. I don't remember the exact "winner", just know that bathroom was the less dirty and I think the cart handle was the dirtiest...
Антон Христов(Anton Hristoff) 6 years ago
It's the money bill... If you don't believe me take few bucks in your hand and hold em for 20 minutes.. then go and make the bathroom sink black only by washing your hands.
Load More Replies... 
#35
Jana Renner 6 years ago
You have a suspiciously optimistic approach here yourself, Luis...or is it Luis-TheWeasel-Milian? Ha! Got you!
Load More Replies...
Hollie Newton 6 years ago
God: and you are both going to have really sharp teeth lmao those humans won't know whats coming
Jenifer Cappello 6 years ago
Weasles are darned cute!!!! They are part of the same line of mammals as ferrets!
Virgil Blue 6 years ago
Ferrets are such enthusiastic little fur snakes. Gotta like em. And weasels are pretty impressive, considering what size prey they manage.
Load More Replies... Darryl Kerrigan 6 years ago
Google 'what happened to Terry Nutkins fingers' and see which is cute ;)
#36
Gaurav Joshi 6 years ago (edited)
angels: but aren't those poisonous! God: also make some of them transparent !!!
Camila Silva 6 years ago
In México we call them "aguamala" which the exact translation would be like "evil waters".. also call them medusa
Load More Replies... PandaLover 6 years ago
G: oh yeah, and make sure it has no eyes, no nose, no ears, no heart, and no brain!
Leo Umbras 6 years ago
god: also they have no feelings of remorse, some live forever, and they can be bigger than a blue whale, they will also reproduce by almost overnight congregating in large masses
#38
Rebecca Cote 6 years ago
It could be one of those red cows from minecraft that have mushrooms growing on their backs!
#39
chi-wei shen 6 years ago (edited)
"What if one of those f****d a saber tooth tiger" Did BoredPanda forget to censor?
Ms Phit 6 years ago
Since when can't you say F**k on BP? It's them nipples and parts that have them aflutter
QueenAppleDragon 3 years ago (edited)
Right now I think lemme try “f*****g” EDIT: It didn’t work
Load More Replies... #40
PandaLover 6 years ago
I just gotta say... I don't know if there are any Chinese drama fans here but if there are... well, for those who have watched Eternal Love (aka Ten Miles of Peach Blossoms), doesn't this version of God remind you of Donhua Dijun?
#41
Freya the Wanderer 6 years ago
Not all parrots are "tie-dye chickens." Ever seen an African Gray Parrot?
Load More Replies...
#42
De'leeze(fka moon) 6 years ago
lmao,imagining them in a circle asking about giving birth and giving tips with laid back voices.
Leo Umbras 6 years ago
the males do not give birth, the eggs are already laid, the male just protects them until they hatch.
#43
Sera the Dragon 5 years ago
Causing a commotion, cause they are so awesome
Load More Replies...
Foxyloxylou 6 years ago
GOD: What if there was, like a rock, that could swim, and was named for what creates children?
Load More Replies... #44
FortnitePlayerGirl 6 years ago
god didn't do it, the humans created by God did it. So, yah. God did create thanksgiving.
Load More Replies... #45
rhyan lumilay 6 years ago
I laughed so hard from this, I imagined Jesus face palms and looks disappointed while Sharon the Angel scolds God. I'll go to hell after this.
#46
Foxyloxylou 6 years ago
Angel: Wait, they can't be invincible God: Right, they need a weakness. Or 2. Angel: How about Salt and dryness? God: Make it so
#47
Analyn Lahr 6 years ago
Jesus helped create angels when an angel announced his birth? I think that's a paradox or something.
rhyan lumilay 6 years ago
I think what the Angel announced is Jesus will be born in human form, but up in heaven he was already in there with God.
Load More Replies...
#48
Gerard Logan 6 years ago
You're not right , but at the same time, you're not completely wrong
Load More Replies...
Ryo Bakura 6 years ago
I dunno, but if you put the lime in it, and you drink it all up, is it still a coconut?
Load More Replies...
#49
Aria Whitaker 6 years ago
I think they are not due to the insufferable pretentious attitude of some of the more extreme vegans....they would rather deal with someone who would eat them then a vegan...that's the joke.
Load More Replies...
HoffLensMetalHedLovesAnimalsUK 6 years ago
Of course there is, i'm an absolute 100% vegan, i don't even eat avacados because to get them cultivated insects have to die in the process.
Load More Replies... HoffLensMetalHedLovesAnimalsUK 6 years ago
Yeah i know we are the worst, having compassion for animals and not wanting billions of them to live a hellish short life full of fear and pain, not wanting them to be raped, tortured, mutilated and murdered on a daily basis. I know, we are just the worst, if only we were ok with animal cruelty, silly us huh?.
HoffLensMetalHedLovesAnimalsUK 6 years ago (edited)
Well yes it literally spells that out, If animals were to form a religion, the devil would be depicted in human form. We are the voice for the voiceless.
Load More Replies... Add New Image
What do you think ?
Alusair Alustriel 6 years ago
Great one :D And laso makes you think how many different animals are there and how each is special ^^
Lispel- Lotte 6 years ago
That remembers me to "wtf, evolution?" on tumblr, but instead of god it's the evolution who creates weird animals. (Search for it, it's really funny!)
Freya the Wanderer 6 years ago
The more you read the Bible, especially the Old Testament, the more you realize Yahweh/Adonai/Jehovah is a d*ck. Think of all the innocent animals - including lambs, cubs, calves, foals, kittens, puppies, chicks, etc. - as well as children and pregnant women who died in Noah's flood. Then there are the animal sacrifices described in Leviticus. Anybody who tried that stuff would never hear the end of it from PETA! And so on, and so on, and so on.
Nosfentor 6 years ago
Not to mention the fact that the bible condones slavery.
Load More Replies...
Alusair Alustriel 6 years ago
Great one :D And laso makes you think how many different animals are there and how each is special ^^
Lispel- Lotte 6 years ago
That remembers me to "wtf, evolution?" on tumblr, but instead of god it's the evolution who creates weird animals. (Search for it, it's really funny!)
Freya the Wanderer 6 years ago
The more you read the Bible, especially the Old Testament, the more you realize Yahweh/Adonai/Jehovah is a d*ck. Think of all the innocent animals - including lambs, cubs, calves, foals, kittens, puppies, chicks, etc. - as well as children and pregnant women who died in Noah's flood. Then there are the animal sacrifices described in Leviticus. Anybody who tried that stuff would never hear the end of it from PETA! And so on, and so on, and so on.
Nosfentor 6 years ago
Not to mention the fact that the bible condones slavery.
Load More Replies... You May Like 120 Funny Tweets About Dieting To Burn Extra Calories Laughing 50 Of The Funniest Signs Ever Spotted In The Wild (New Pics) 160 Knock-Knock Jokes That Should Open The Door
Aivaras Kaziukonis
Mantas Kačerauskas
Aivaras Kaziukonis
Related on Bored Panda
