303 Funniest Tweets About Marriage Of 2017

That's a Savage wife right there! Thug life!

We have a plug with 2 USB ports.

Yes and the excuse is that you're going to the other.

Hahahahaha! This should be on top! Jeez!

My uncle has been silently putting tags with his name on my grandmothers furniture :/

Hahahaha! Good one!

i think like about 35 will be enough

Savage

So it's a can't believer?

8-) Boss Mom.

Good sleeping makes a happy wife ^_^

And whatever you do, guys, NEVER respond with " only of you clear out the hair-catcher in the bath plughole". I still bear the scars to this day...

When you have kids...

my mom does that and she told me she change it to french i dunno how :D

Because she only remembers the times you were wrong.

My Mom use to say to my dad - "If you try to find things by your eyes, instead of your mouth, you will find them"

Actually this is kinda true, science is on the side of men. Estrogen helps to stimulate immune system to work faster and more aggressive, while testosterone does the opposite. But most men are still big drama queens when they have the cold. :D

Having kids is like this too :DD

Nice one hehe

Maybe, he will apologize in your dream tonight.

Me.

Never aspire to be Homer.

But.. why? He took a day off. He can do it ! You should rest and netflix all day long

The Wall Street Journal interviewed a friend of ours about extreme couponing. She managed to supply a number of local shelters with toiletries, and got CVS to pay her for the privilege.

Since I am a picky eater (which I hate, I would love to be able to eat everything without throwing it up) when I try something new at a restaurant and I'm not sure I can eat it safely, he makes sure to order something I like for sure! He is the best!

You just became my today hero.

My Dad would do that just to annoy my Mom! For him, since I can remember, everything is a joke first!

Kids are, hands down, the greatest threat that ever lived.

Watch your back ;P

Hahahahahaaha.. I got a good laugh on this. too much relatable!

Eat his :P

😂😂😂

MARRIED: "You go get the car, I'll wait here with the stuff."

Husband is jus like. “What? Why are you staring at me?” *brings over tea* “I WANT COFFEE”

ROFL! LMAO! Instantly Samuel L. Jackson from Pulp fiction came into my mind!

100% my father. He spent hours upon hours cleaning before Christmas day in case someone decided to come over. No one did.

Hahaha

this is us with bananas. green vs. spotted. It's all in the timing.

I laughed hard at this one!

that is the first thing i have seen that is not made in china

The Reason Why: Kid falls off swing and gets hurt. Mom spits on kleenex and rubs it on kids face. "You'll be fine."

Amen to that :)

I take four teenagers and make them carry everything, get more than I intended, and send one to fetch a cart. ^_^

I am a girl. I hate shopping. I do not care about what I wear. I keep my hair neatly braided and like to read. Society thinks I am odd. I F ING do not care about clothes anymore than this guy.

So THAT explains what happened to my hammock.

Or a children's dollhouse with a zillion small pieces ........not the snap kind ;the glue kind

So does my wife

Sounds like my hubby

Resembles my relationship *breathy sigh...gazes into the sunset dreamily*

I have said this to my husband many times in our 26 years together. That and "the only way out is death".

It comes on every winter and seems to be the "nothing at all wrong" indicator. I have one too ;) It doesn't ever appear indicate what it claims to indicate.

My husband and I watch Dateline/48 Hours and the like and I swear 80% of them are about husbands killing their wives for life insurance.

Relatable!

Yep, hubby whistles for myself and the kids when we're out and about. You can see our kids heads pop up over the racks like damn meerkats when they hear that sound. It's so funny! Nobody else in the store reacts to that whistle but us.

Which anniversary, wedding, first date, first kiss, first time he did the laundry?

No grasshopper. It will be time for YOU to leave.

Make a printscreen with low percentage on it and show it to your partner ;)

Me: "Whee!"

Marriage level: expert

There's a collection of jokes and stories about Hodji/Hajja (spellings differ, based on country and transliteration). A long-suffering wise man, his stories exist in the Middle East, North Africa, Eastern Europe, West, Central and South Asia. On his deathbed, he asks his wife to put on her nicest clothes and best jewelry. So he has a lovely vision before he dies, she asks. "No, so that when Death comes he'll think you look better and take you instead!"

NOOOO NOT THE LAST CURLY FRY!

Why does auto correct ALWAYS make it into something embarrassing?

Wife level: amateur. NEVER allow him to go wait in the car; you cannot let him win.

Tit-for-tat~~~~~~~~~~

For me, it's push in your chair and turn off the light if you're the last one in the room.

If I can hear you chewing from another room, you're chewing too loud. Just something to consider.