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What do you think ?
Vonskippy 8 years ago
Dialog is VERY choppy. Not enough intro to explain the character background. Unless your demographic is 12 year olds, you don't need to have your characters swear every third word. Storyline is there someplace, just not anyplace I could find. I'd give it a solid C+, good start, room for improvement in episode #2. If you're not starting each episode with a storyboard, might want to consider doing so it will smooth out the choppiness and unfocused wandering.
William Baldwin (Post author) 8 years ago
Thank you for your input :) I guess I should cut back on the swearing, it's based off of how my friends and I interact but I guess it's not applicable outside my social circle. I was planning on having the exposition done in chapter 2, since there are so many characters I wanted to give some spotlight to each of them slowly. The first chapter was the 4 presented. I've realized the dialogue is very choppy. I am planning on re-editing the 1st chapter and uploading it with the second so it all makes more sense. What do you mean by storyboard? That sounds like it would be quite useful. Again, thank you for taking the time to give me your input :)
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Ryo Bakura 8 years ago
I like the art, but I could barely follow the story. Using swear words just because you can is pretty redundant. They're not used to emphasise a character's emotions. Did you put them in for shock value, or just because you could? The characters are all forcefully introduced, which means we know their names, but nothing about them. You also seem to have included a lot of homosexual connotations, but you don't explain why. Even the chapter title suggests that the characters want the yeti's balls, yet there is no yeti in the whole chapter. Unless that silhouette in the forest is supposed to be one. I can't tell what order I'm supposed to read the panels in, as you seem to have jumped from right to left, then left to right, and back again. Same goes for which characters' speech bubble I need to read first. The last panel, for example, doesn't make sense.
Ryo Bakura 8 years ago
Also, are your characters designed in a way to show you're paying homage to other characters, or are they blatant rip offs? I see one character (Fiona) wearing Gene Simmons' Demon make-up, Brann seems to be a cross between Luffy from One Piece, and Yami from Black Clover. The old man with the chicken would also seem to be a cross between Makarov, and Bob, from Fairy Tail. In short, rein in the foul mouth, give the characters some back story, cut out the homosexual stuff, or explain why it's needed, and try to make the story flow easier from panel to panel. I got lost quite a bit.
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Douglas Campbell 8 years ago
Keep working on your craft; there are some promising elements. Is it directed at a gay audience? ("boy" as "boi,)" Not quite understanding the part where the rooster/ c**k says "cuckold, etc" Did you intentionally want to include the word cuckold? I don't get the context....
William Baldwin (Post author) 8 years ago
Douglas, thank you for you compliment and thank you for taking the time to comment. It is not directed at a gay audience specifically. The only low key gay person is the inn keeper and that is just a character touch that reminds me of a real life person I know. The use of "boi" was just a personal preference, I don't know why I find the spelling of word like "boi" or "kewl" instead of "cool" funny. The rooster is supposed to make a rooster sound in that panel, I thought that was how it was spelled :P din't even think of cuckold haha. I will update the dialogue and upload it with the next chapter. Thank you so much for your comment :)
Load More Replies... Vonskippy 8 years ago
Dialog is VERY choppy. Not enough intro to explain the character background. Unless your demographic is 12 year olds, you don't need to have your characters swear every third word. Storyline is there someplace, just not anyplace I could find. I'd give it a solid C+, good start, room for improvement in episode #2. If you're not starting each episode with a storyboard, might want to consider doing so it will smooth out the choppiness and unfocused wandering.
William Baldwin (Post author) 8 years ago
Thank you for your input :) I guess I should cut back on the swearing, it's based off of how my friends and I interact but I guess it's not applicable outside my social circle. I was planning on having the exposition done in chapter 2, since there are so many characters I wanted to give some spotlight to each of them slowly. The first chapter was the 4 presented. I've realized the dialogue is very choppy. I am planning on re-editing the 1st chapter and uploading it with the second so it all makes more sense. What do you mean by storyboard? That sounds like it would be quite useful. Again, thank you for taking the time to give me your input :)
Load More Replies... Ryo Bakura 8 years ago
I like the art, but I could barely follow the story. Using swear words just because you can is pretty redundant. They're not used to emphasise a character's emotions. Did you put them in for shock value, or just because you could? The characters are all forcefully introduced, which means we know their names, but nothing about them. You also seem to have included a lot of homosexual connotations, but you don't explain why. Even the chapter title suggests that the characters want the yeti's balls, yet there is no yeti in the whole chapter. Unless that silhouette in the forest is supposed to be one. I can't tell what order I'm supposed to read the panels in, as you seem to have jumped from right to left, then left to right, and back again. Same goes for which characters' speech bubble I need to read first. The last panel, for example, doesn't make sense.
Ryo Bakura 8 years ago
Also, are your characters designed in a way to show you're paying homage to other characters, or are they blatant rip offs? I see one character (Fiona) wearing Gene Simmons' Demon make-up, Brann seems to be a cross between Luffy from One Piece, and Yami from Black Clover. The old man with the chicken would also seem to be a cross between Makarov, and Bob, from Fairy Tail. In short, rein in the foul mouth, give the characters some back story, cut out the homosexual stuff, or explain why it's needed, and try to make the story flow easier from panel to panel. I got lost quite a bit.
Load More Replies... Douglas Campbell 8 years ago
Keep working on your craft; there are some promising elements. Is it directed at a gay audience? ("boy" as "boi,)" Not quite understanding the part where the rooster/ c**k says "cuckold, etc" Did you intentionally want to include the word cuckold? I don't get the context....
William Baldwin (Post author) 8 years ago
Douglas, thank you for you compliment and thank you for taking the time to comment. It is not directed at a gay audience specifically. The only low key gay person is the inn keeper and that is just a character touch that reminds me of a real life person I know. The use of "boi" was just a personal preference, I don't know why I find the spelling of word like "boi" or "kewl" instead of "cool" funny. The rooster is supposed to make a rooster sound in that panel, I thought that was how it was spelled :P din't even think of cuckold haha. I will update the dialogue and upload it with the next chapter. Thank you so much for your comment :)
Load More Replies...
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