Ahhhh, Friends, a series so iconic, we can’t let go of it even after almost twenty years of its cessation. The characters, the setting, and the topics they go through in each episode seem to be ringing truer and truer with each passing year, and the humor embellishing it all is just legendary. So, if you’re like us and love spending your pastime watching, re-watching, and re-rewatching Friends, then you’re in for a treat. We are proudly presenting to you our selection of the best Friends jokes we’ve handpicked from each episode and carefully put in one place.
Of course, it is highly likely that these jokes from Friends won’t be news to you; chances are that you know most of them by heart! However, that doesn’t mean you won’t find these hilarious jokes unfunny anymore because we all know how much you like them. We do, too, so you’re definitely not alone here! In fact, one might say that if your and our love for the Friends series could be combined, we’d make one Mega Fan. Now that’s a fun idea, isn’t it? Anyhoo, let’s go back to the Friends series jokes here, for they are the main focus of this article after all.
So, ready to revisit the most hilarious instances the Friends characters have ever given to us? We sure are, and we hope you are, too! Now, scroll on down below, give the best jokes your vote and share this article with your friends who are still flaunting The Rachel as their favorite haircut.
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Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.
"The Pilot" (Season 1, Episode 1)
Monica: Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.
Chandler: Well, how do you find clothes that fit?
"The One Where Old Yeller Dies" (Season 2, Episode 20)
Monica: Why is your family Scottish?
Chandler: Why is your family Ross?
"The One with Joey's New Brain" (Season 7, Episode 15)
Ross: Hey, Rachel, did you notice…
Rachel: Your teeth? Yeah, I saw them from outside.
"The One with Ross' Teeth" (Season 6, Episode 8)
Ross: I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.
Chandler: Was that place the sun?
"The One with Ross's Tan" (Season 10, Episode 3)
Nurse: And now, which of you is the father?
Phoebe: No, none of them are the father. The father is my brother.
Nurse: Okay...
"The One Hundredth" (Season 5, Episode 3)
Janice: What a small world!
Chandler: And yet I never run into Beyoncé!
"The One Where Estelle Dies" (Season 10, Episode 15)
Joey: Wait a minute, you guys repel women all the time.
Ross: Hey I have been married three times.
Chandler: Clap, Clap, Clap
"The One Where Phoebe Runs" (Season 6, Episode 7)
Rachel enters wearing the pink bridesmaids' dress.
Chandler: Oh I am sorry, we don't have your sheep.
"The one with Barry and Mindy's Wedding" (Season 2, Episode 24)
Ross : (on the phone) Whoa, whoa whoa! Australopithecus isn't supposed to be in that display. No! No! No! Homo habilis was erect, and Australopithecus was never fully erect!
Chandler: Well, maybe he was nervous.
"The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know" (Season 2, Episode 15)
Ross: Pivot! Pivot! Pivot! Pivot! Pivot! (while trying to lift his sofa up a flight of stairs)
Chandler: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
"The One with the Cop" (Season 5, Episode 16)
Phoebe: Look I had a hard life, my mother was killed by a drug dealer.
Monica: Phoebe, your mom killed herself.
Phoebe: She was a drug dealer.
"The One with the Mugging" (Season 9, Episode 15)
Joey: Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point.
Rachel: A moo point?
Joey: Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel: Have I been living with him too long or did that all just make sense?
"The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs" (Season 7, Episode 8)
Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get you?
Chandler: It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!
"The One with Frank Jr." (Season 3, Episode 5)
Rachel: How many centimetres am I dilated? Eight? Nine?
Doctor: Three.
Ross: Just three? I’m dilated three!
"The One Where Rachel Has a Baby" (Season 8, Episode 23)
Chandler: You can't come in here! Ross is naked!
Monica: What?
Ross: What?
Chandler: I couldn't say that I was naked, because she's allowed too see me naked.
Ross: Why does anyone have to be naked?
"The One Where Phoebe Runs" (Season 6, Episode 7)
Rachel: Monica, we need more candy.
Monica: What? There's only been, like, four kids.
Rachel: Yeah, I know, but one of them just said that she loved me, so I just gave her everything.
Phoebe: No wonder you're pregnant.
"The One With The Halloween Party" (Season 8, Episode 6)
Rachel: Chandler, you have the best taste in men!
Chandler: Well, like father, like son.
"The One With The Girl From Poughkeepsie" (Season 4, Episode 10)
"Come on, Chandler. Ross is our friend and he needs us right now. So why don't you be a grownup and come watch some TV in the fort?" — Joey
"The One Where Ross Moves In" (Season 5, Episode 7)
Joey: It hurts my Joey’s apple!
Chandler: For the last time, it’s not named after each individual man!
"The One Where They All Turn Thirty" (Season 7, Episode 14)
Ross: We were on a break!
Chandler: Oh my god! If you say that one more time, I'm going to break up with you.
"The One with the Jellyfish" (Season 4, Episode 1)
Chandler: She's turning on the TV, it's Miss Congeniality!
Monica: Babe, if you know it through a wall, you know it too well.
"The One After Joey and Rachel Kiss" (Season 10, Episode 1)
Mike: I heard that weddings are, like, a 40 billion dollar a year industry.
Ross: Yeah, and I'm responsible for just, like, half of that.
"The One With the Home Study: (Season 10, Episode 7)
Monica introduces Brad Pitt’s character: "This is my husband Chandler. Chandler, this is Will."
Chandler: "Hey, I'd shake your hand but I'm into the game... plus I think it would be better for my ego if we didn't stand right next to each other."
"The one with the rumor" (Season 9, Episode 9)
Joey: Hey, I started working on what I'm going to say at the ceremony. Wanna hear it?
Monica, Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share.
(Monica and Chandler look impressed)
Joey: It is a love based on giving and receiving as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have... and receive.
(Later)
Joey: Okay, you guys, I've got a little more written... are you ready?
Chandler: Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Joey: When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, I cannot help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving... and then I can't think of a good word for right here.
Monica: How bout receiving?
Joey: Yes!
"The One with the Truth About London" (Season 7, Episode 16)
Rachel: Just come by at lunch so that my boss doesn't see you, 'cause Kim will just freak out, and she already doesn't like me very much.
Chandler: Oh, that's weird. I don't think my boss likes me either.
Monica: I don't think mine likes me either.
Ross: Maybe it's a universal thing.
Joey: Yeah. Or maybe... it's because you're all hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday.
"The One With Ross's Teeth" (Season 6, Episode 8)
Phoebe: He used to be just, "Jack Geller: Monica and Ross's Dad," and now he's... he's, "Jack Gellar: Dream hunk."
Rachel: I don't know. You know, to me he'll always be, "Jack Geller: Walks in while you're changing."
"The One Where Ross Got High" (Season 6, Episode 9)
Rachel: So what did you do that made dad cut you off?
Jill: Okay, I bought a boat.
Monica: You bought a boat?
Jill: Yeah but it wasn't for me, it was for a friend.
Chandler: Boy did we make friends with the wrong sister!
"The One With Rachel's Sister" (Season 6, Episode 13)
Phoebe: Seriously, I don't think Rachel's gonna think it's a good idea.
Jill: So who made her Queen of the World?
Phoebe: I would love that job!
"The One With Rachel's Sister" (Season 6, Episode 13)
Mrs. Geller: So, did you kids thank Dr. Burke for the ride?
Ross: Uh, actually, Mom, I think Monica thanked him for the both of us.
"The One Where Joey Moves Out" (Season 2, Episode 16)
Joey: Well, that went well. Yeah.
Chandler: It could've been worse. He could've shot her.
"The One After Ross Says Rachel" (Season 5, Episode 1)
Chandler: So, now that little Chandler turned out to be a girl, what are they gonna name her?
Phoebe: They're gonna call her Chandler.
Chandler: That's kind of a masculine name, don't you think?
Phoebe: Works on you.
"The One Hundredth" (Season 5, Episode 3)
Ross: Huh, this is nice.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: I've never walked down the aisle knowing it can't end in divorce.
"The One With Monica & Chandler's Wedding" (Season 7, Episode 24)
Monica: Wait a minute! Who's the father?
Phoebe: Oh no, she won't tell us.
Monica: Come on, it's my wedding! That can be my present!
Rachel: Wait, hey, I just gave you peeing on a stick!
Phoebe: See, this is why you register.
"The One After 'I Do'" (Season 8, Episode 1)
Rachel: Oh, I am just awful with children.
Joey: Come on, you're good with kids. They're just crazy on Halloween. You know, they're all greedy and hopped-up on sugar.
Rachel: Really? Do you think that's all it is?
Joey: Absolutely. Halloween is the worst. Except for Christmas. And their birthdays. They get a little crazy during the summer, too. And anytime they're hungry or sleepy. Yeah, kids are tough. Good luck with that.
"The One With The Halloween Party" (Season 8, Episode 6)
Rachel: Okay, you'd tell me the truth, right?
Ross: Rach, you can't look fat in an x-ray.
"The One With a Chick. And a Duck" (Season 3, Episode 21)
Phoebe (singing): Happy happy Hanukkah, Chandler and Monica. Very merry...
Chandler: Oo, ya know... ya know what, Phebes?
Phoebe: What?
Chandler: I'm not Jewish, so...
Phoebe: So, Ross doesn't really decorate his tree with floss, but you don't hear him complaining, do you?
"The One With The Girl From Poughkeepsie" (Season 4, Episode 10)
Chandler: You're telling me this actress person is the only woman you ever wanted who didn't want you back?
Joey: Yeah! (thinks a bit) Oh my god. Is this what it's like to be you?
"The One with the Dollhouse" (Season 3, Episode 20)
Monica: Do you really think the best reason to get married is because you're sorry?
Chandler: Well, no, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. Sorry's about fourth, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married.
"The One with the Girl Who Hits Joey" (Season 5, Episode 15)
Monica: You don’t think sharks are sexy do you?
Joey: No. Wait a minute… what was the Little Mermaid?
"The One With The Sharks" (Season 9, Episode 4)
Joey: Listen, the last day of auditions is Thursday, okay, so I gotta get in there by Thursday. Okay, just remember Thursday. Thursday, can you remember Thursday?
Chandler: Yeah, so, Tuesday?
Joey: Thursday! Look, if you need help remembering just think of it like this: the third day. All right, Monday, one-day, Tuesday, two-day, Wednesday, when? huh? what day? Thursday! The third day, okay?
Chandler: Thank you.
"The One Where Ross Dates a Student" (Season 6, Episode 18)
Mr. Geller: Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned fifty I got the Porsche. You, you got your own little speedster.
Richard: Guys, seriously, it is not like that.
Mr. Geller: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I could...
Ross: Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.
Mr. Geller: What? I'm kidding. You know I'd never let him touch the Porsche.
"The One Where Joey Moves Out" (Season 2, Episode 16)
Phoebe: Being pregnant is hard on your tummy.
Joey: Hey, but at least you got that cool, pregnant lady glow.
Phoebe: That's sweat. You throw up all morning, you'll have that glow, too.
"The One With The Fake Party" (Season 4, Episode 16)
Rachel: Yes, Joey, I remember, she's annoying, but you know what? She's his girlfriend now. I mean what can we do?
Joey: There you go! There's the spirit I'm looking for! What can we do? Huh? Alright, who's first? Huh? Ross?
Ross: Well I'm thinking that Chandler's our friend and Janice makes him happy. So I say we all just be adults about it and accept her.
Joey: Yeah, we'll call that Plan B, alright?
"The One With The Princess Leia Fantasy" (Season 3, Episode 1)
Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?
Chandler: No.
Ross: Then you are neither of your parents!
"The One With Monica & Chandler's Wedding" (Season 7, Episode 24)
Ross: Do you have a minute? I'd like to talk with you about something I'm really uncomfortable talking about.
Joey: Sure. How about, uh, you showering with your mom?
Ross: I actually had a topic in mind.
"The One With The Video Tape" (Season 8, Episode 4)
Ross: What? You don't think I'd go up to her?
Rachel: Ross, it took you ten years to finally admit you liked me.
"The One With Frank Jr." (Season 3, Episode 5)
Monica: So why don't you go and ask her out? Oh, what's the worse thing that could happen?
Chandler: I could die.
"The One With Joey's New Girlfriend" (Season 4, Episode 5)
Joey: Uh... uh, we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns?
Chandler: Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby?
Joey: You got a better idea?
Chandler: All right, call it in the air.
Joey: Heads.
Chandler: Heads it is.
Joey: Yes! Whew!
Chandler: We have to assign heads to something.
Joey: Right. Okay, okay, uh... ducks is heads because ducks have heads.
Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?
"The One With The Baby On The Bus" (Season 2, Episode 6)
Monica: I can't decide between lamb or duck.
Chandler: Well, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise, the movie would've been called "Silence of the Ducks".
"The One With The Lesbian Wedding" (Season 2, Episode 11)
Monica: All right, look, Ross. I realize that you have issues with Carol and Susan, and I feel for you, I do. But if you don't help me cook, I'm gonna take a bunch of those little hot dogs and create a new appetizer called "Pigs in Ross." All right, ball a melon.
Chandler: Hey! How come I'm stuck dicing when he gets to ball a melon?
"The One With The Lesbian Wedding" (Season 2, Episode 11)
Phoebe: Monica, how did this happen? I thought you had this all planned out.
Monica: Do you want me to cry? Is that what you want? Do you wanna see me cry?
Phoebe: Sir! No sir!
"The One With The Lesbian Wedding" (Season 2, Episode 11)
Rachel: What happened at dinner?
Monica: My parents spent the money for our wedding!
Phoebe: My God! What did you order?
"The One With Rachel's Book" (Season 7, Episode 2)
Chandler: Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women?
Rachel: Uh, no, no. It bothered me when he slept with other women.
"The One Where Ross Can't Flirt" (Season 5, Episode 19)
Rachel: Oh, come on! You're going to take Hugsy away from a little child?
Joey: How do you think I got him in the first place?
"The One With The Memorial Service" (Season 9, Episode 17)
Phoebe: I'm not sure about some of the bras I got.
Rachel: Oh, really? Do you want to try some of them on for me?
Phoebe: Oh, okay! Wait, are we in Joey's imagination?
"The One With The Birth Mother" (Season 10, Episode 9)
"Isn't this exciting! I earned this! I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally… (looks at the check) not worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money?" — Rachel
"The One with George Stephanopoulos" (Season 1, Episode 4)
Chandler: Look, I just think it's time for you to settle down, you know? Make a choice, pick a lane!
Joey: Who's Elaine?
Chandler: We've never heard of her either.
"The One Where Chandler Crosses the Line" (Season 4, Episode 7)
Rachel: No, you're not an idiot, Ross. You're a guy very much in love.
Ross: Same difference.
"The One After Ross Says Rachel" (Season 5, Episode 1)
Monica: Honey, the Miami Vice Soundtrack, really?
Chandler: They were just giving those away at the store… in exchange for money.
"The One with The Tea Leaves" (Season 8, Episode 17)
"How hard can it be, right? 'Cheese. It's milk that you chew.' 'Crackers. Because your cheese needs a buddy.' 'A grape. Because who can get a watermelon in your mouth?'" — Chandler
"The One Where Rachel Goes Back to Work" Season 9, Episode 11)
Ross: What-what is it?!
Joey: What the hell is that?!!
Rachel: It's a, it's a cat!
Joey: That, is not a cat!
Ross : Why is it inside out?
"The one with the Ball" (Season 5, Episode 21)
“You know what’s weird? Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he’s getting out of the shower, he always puts a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?” — Chandler
"The One Where No One’s Ready" (Season 3, Episode 2)
“Ross, just for my own peace of mind, you’re not married to any more of us are you?” — Chandler
"The One with Joey's Porsche" (Season 6, Episode 5)
Joey: You didn’t cry when Bambi’s mom died?
Chandler: Yes, it was so sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer.
"The One Where Chandler Can't Cry" (Season 6, Episode 14)
Ross: I am gonna be happy this year. I’m gonna make myself happy.
Chandler: Do you want us to leave the room?
"The One With All The Resolutions" (Season 5, Episode 11)
Monica: Joey, did you even interview this woman before you asked her to move in?
Joey: Of course I did.
Monica: What exactly did you ask her?
Joey: "When can you move in?"
"The One Where Phoebe Runs" (Season 6, Episode 7)
Judy Geller: We know how expensive weddings can be. Besides, this may be the only wedding we get to throw.
Monica: Ha ha! A joke that's funny in all countries.
"The One With Ross's Wedding" (Season 4, Episode 24)
Ross: Every week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey's apartment. What name appears on the address label?
Rachel: Oh! Chandler gets it! It's Chandler Bing!
Monica: No!
Ross: I'm afraid the TV Guide comes to "Chanandelor Bong."
Monica: I knew that! Rachel! Use your head!
Chandler: Actually, it's Miss Chanandelor Bong.
"The One With The Embryos" (Season 4, Episode 12)
Joey: It's all London, baby! Here we go.
Chandler: You got your passport?
Joey: Yeah, in my third drawer in my dresser. You don't want to lose that.
"The One With Ross's Wedding" (Season 4, Episode 23)
Joey: Ross, have you ever been beaten up before?
Ross: Yeah, sure.
Joey: By someone besides Monica?
"The One With The Bullies" (Season 2, Episode 21)
Phoebe: I mean, this poor woman!
Ross: What woman?
Phoebe: The voice woman. You know, I mean, she has a great voice but she doesn't have a video.
Rachel: Okay, Phoebs. But what about you?
Phoebe: Well, I have a video. You have to pay attention. No this... this voice woman, she's so talented, but according to the producer people, they said she doesn't have, like, the right look or something. You know? I mean, it's like, she's like one of those animals at the pound who, like, nobody wants 'cause they're not pretty enough. Or you know, like... like some old dog who's just kind of like, stinky and... Uh! Oh my God, she's Smelly Cat. Oh! Oh, that song has so many levels.
"The One Where Eddie Moves In" (Season 3, Episode 17)
Monica: Aren't you dressed yet?
Chandler: Am I naked again?
"The One With Mac & C.H.E.E.S.E." (Season 6, Episode 20)
Ross: Well, of course, you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming. That's not enough. Look, I studied karate for a long time, and there's a concept you should really be familiar with. It's what the Japanese call Unagi.
Rachel: Isn't that a kind of sushi?
"The One With Unagi" (Season 6, Episode 17)
Chandler: Men are here.
Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.
Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing. No get invited back.
"The One Where Rachel Finds Out" (Season 1, Episode 24)
Joey: You're gonna cook something?
Rachel: Hey, I cook!
Chandler: Offering people gum is not cooking.
"The One Where Ross Got High" (Season 6, Episode 9)
(After hearing about Chandler's breakup with Janice)
Phoebe: Where's Chandler?
Joey: He's grieving.
(We see Chandler running outside)
Chandler: I'M FREE. I AM FREE.
"The One With The East German Laundry Detergent" (Season 1, Episode 5)
"If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, please give me money so I can buy a computer." — Phoebe
"The One with Ross' Denial" (Season 6, Episode 3)
"Why, God, why? We had a deal! Let the others grow old, not me." — Joey
"The One Where They All Turn Thirty" (Season 7, Episode 14)
Monica: The camera adds ten pounds!
Chandler: So how many cameras are actually on you?
"The One with the Prom Video" (Season 2, Episode 14)
"A hundred million people went to see a movie about what I do. I wonder how many people would go see a movie called Jurassic Parka. No, no, no, a bunch of out-of-control jackets take over an island!" — Ross to Rachel
"The One With Phoebe's Ex-Partner" (Season 3, Episode 14)
Joey: Okay, my towels, for instance, okay? I come into the bathroom here, and my towel is not on the floor, where I keep it. It's up here, on some hook! And it smells different!
Janine It's clean.
Joey: Yeah, well, it... it... it feels different!
Janine It's dry!
Joey: All right, I can make my peace with the clean, dry towels. And okay, also... what is with these chips you bought?
Janine No, no, no, it's potpouri! You're supposed to smell it.
Joey: (smelling) Well, that's like summer in a bowl.
"The One With Ross's Teeth" (Season 6, Episode 8)
Monica: Go over to Joey's. Go over to Joey's, and... and drink some beer and hammer up some drywall!
Chandler: You know, when guys hang out, they don't just drink beer and hammer up drywall.
Monica: When girls hang out, we don't have pillow fights in our underwear.
(Chandler is devastated)
Monica: I'm sorry. We do, we do! I don't know why I said that.
"The One With Ross's Teeth" (Season 6, Episode 8)
Frank Jr: Um, it's a lollipop and a, uh, a home pregnancy test.
Monica: Hey, don't mix those up. You could really ruin that lollipop.
"The One With The Embryos" (Season 4, Episode 12)
Joey: Come on, man, there's gotta be something that gets you choked up! Like uh, uh... Oh! What if you saw a three-legged puppy?
Chandler: I'd be sad, sure, but I wouldn't cry.
Joey: Okay, what if the puppy said, "Help me, Chandler. All the other puppies pick on me."
Chandler: Cry? I just found a talking puppy! I'm rich!
"The One Where Chandler Can't Cry" (Season 6, Episode 14)
Phoebe: Aw, Phebes...
Rachel: Honey, that's your name.
Phoebe: That's short for Phoebe? I thought that's just what we called each other.
"The One With Joey's Dirty Day" (Season 4, Episode 14)
Ross: I love marriage.
Phoebe: Seriously? You? Divorce-o?
Ross: If you have to call me a name, I prefer, "Ross, The Divorcer." It's just cooler.
"The One With The Boob Job" (Season 9, Episode 16)
Phoebe: You are not gonna believe this. I have just been discovered.
Chandler: Now wait a minute, I claimed you in the name of France four years ago.
"The One Where Eddie Moves In" (Season 3, Episode 17)
Ross: Hey, remember when I had a monkey?
Chandler: Yeah.
Ross: Yeah. What... what was I thinking?
"The One With Unagi" (Season 6, Episode 17)
Ross: I tried attacking two women. It did not work.
The Instructor: What?
Ross: No, I mean... it's okay, I mean, they're... they're my friends. In fact, I was married to one of them.
The Instructor: Let me get this straight, man. You attacked your ex-wife?
Ross: Oh, no! No, no! No, I tried. But I couldn't. That's why I'm here. Maybe we could attack them together?
"The One With Unagi" (Season 6, Episode 17)
Monica: Chandler and I have this pact not to have sex until the wedding.
Ross: A no-sex pact, huh? I seem to have one of those going with every woman in America.
"The One with Ross and Monica's Cousin" (Season 7, Episode 19)
Chandler: I got her machine.
Joey: Her answering machine?
Chandler: No. Interestingly enough, her leaf blower picked up.
"The One with the Evil Orthodontist" (Season 1, Episode 20)
Joey: So, what, you just want to stay here and wait for Rachel to come back from her date?
Ross: Yeah. I mean, this guy could be my baby's stepfather.
Joey: They go out on one date and you worry about her marrying him? He's not you.
"The One with Rachel's Date" (Season 8, Episode 5)
Joey: I'm hungry.
Phoebe: We could eat the wax. It's organic.
Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it.
Phoebe: No, not the used wax.
Chandler: Because THAT would be crazy.
"The One the Morning After" (Season 3, Episode 16)
“All right, look if you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing’s right. And that’s what deathbeds are for.” — Chandler
"The One The Morning After" (Season 3, Episode 16)
“I’m glad we’re having a rehearsal dinner. I rarely practice my meals before I eat.” — Chandler
"The One with Phoebe's Wedding" (Season 10, Episode 12)
Ross: Does little Ross like dinosaurs by any chance?
Mr. Zelner: Yeah, they’re all he talks about, why?
Ross: How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants. I just heard it as you must have heard it and that’s not good. Let me start again. I’m a palaeontologist, you’ll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones – fossils!
"The One Where Estelle Dies" (Season 10, Episode 15)
Chandler: Ross, a sports car? Wouldn't it have been cheaper to just stuff a sock down there?
Ross: That's not what this is about. Okay? I am a sports car enthusiast. I've always been into cars.
Joey: Hey, what's the horse-power on this thing?
Ross: I don't know, but... but look how shiny!
"The One Where They All Turn Thirty" (Season 7, Episode 14)
"Oh look, ugly naked guy is decorating his Christmas tree! Wow, you should see the size of his Christmas balls!" — Phoebe
"The One With Phoebe's Dad" (Season 2, Episode 9)
Rachel: I’m not someone who goes after a guy five minutes after he’s divorced.
Monica: No, you go after them five minutes before they get married.
"The One Where Ross Moves In" (Season 5, Episode 7)
Joey: Could you close that window? My nipples could cut glass over here.
Phoebe: Really? Mine get me out of tickets.
"The One Without The Ski Trip" (Season 3, Episode 17)
Phoebe: What's a movement class?
Monica: It's Chandler's way of pretending he didn't take mime.
"The One Where Ross Dates a Student" (Season 6, Episode 18)
Chandler: You okay?
Joey: Yeah. Yeah, I'll be all right.
Ross: You know what would cheer you up?
Joey: What?
Ross: I'm giving this lecture on erosion theories tomorrow night. I think you should come.
Joey (laughing): You're right! That did cheer me up!
"The One With The Apothecary Table" (Season 6, Episode 11)
Phoebe: This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.
Chandler: Yeah, it's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.
Phoebe: Ew, I don't wanna do that.
"The One With The East German Laundry Detergent" (Season 1, Episode 5)
Chandler: Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.
Monica: He's in the bathroom... I don't think you wanna go in there!
Chandler: Common, we're roommates... Aaaaaaaagh! My eyes! My eyes!
"The One With The Butt" (Season 1, Episode 6)
Chandler: Hey, would you sleep with somebody to get a great job?
Rachel: I don't know. Who would I have to sleep with?
Chandler: Me.
Rachel: Why would I have to sleep with you?
Chandler: It's my game. You want the job or not?
"The One With Russ" (Season 2, Episode 10)
Joey: Come on, Ross! Look, I don't have any brothers; I'm never gonna get to be a best man!
Chandler: You can be the best man when I get married.
Joey: I'm never gonna get to be a best man!
"The One With The Worst Best Man Ever" (Season 4, Episode 22)
"I still cannot believe you're engaged! Just 'cause it's happening so fast, not 'cause you're such a loser." — Phoebe
"The One With All The Wedding Dresses" (Season 4, Episode 20)
Rachel: Okay, so tell me about this Jane Eyre woman.
Phoebe: No! You should've read it yourself!
Rachel: Oh come on, Phoebe! Don't be such a goodie-goodie!
Phoebe: Fine! Okay, all right, so Jane Eyre: First of all, you'd think she's a woman... She's not. She's a cyborg.
"The One With Ross's Sandwich" (Season 5, Episode 9)
Phoebe: Oh yeah, no-no-no. I'm fine. I'm okay, but umm, my Grandma sorta died.
Joey: Pheebs! Sorry!
Phoebe: It's okay, I mean she had a really incredible life. And it's not like I'm never gonna see her again, you know she's gonna visit.
Rachel: Well maybe, maybe she's with us right now?
Phoebe: Yeah, her first day on a new spiritual plane and she's gonna come to the coffeehouse!
"The One With Joey's Bag" (Season 5, Episode 13)
Phoebe: Chandler, I will handle this! (To the jeweler) How much is it?
Jeweler: 8,600.
Phoebe: We will give you ten dollars.
Jeweler: Are you interested in this ring?
Chandler: Yes! Yes, but I can only pay $8,000.
Jeweler: Okay, I can let it go at eight.
Phoebe: We stand firm at ten dollars.
"The One With The Ring" (Season 6, Episode 23)
Chandler: We were playing Gin... Y'know if we were a couple, we could play this game naked.
Monica: Will you stop!
Chandler: Okay, all right.
Monica: Okay, all right. I think you're great, I think you're sweet, and you're smart... and I love you. But you will always be the guy who peed on me.
"The One With The Jellyfish" (Season 4, Episode )
"My sister's gonna have my baby!" — Frank Jr
"The One With The Embryos" (Season 4, Episode 12)
Ross: Okay, honestly, no. I... I don't see a big future with her.
Monica: Okay, well, I think that's your answer.
Ross: I gotta talk to her. Ugh, I hate this part.
Chandler: Hey, you have to forget about Elizabeth. I mean, if you're not careful, you may not get married at all this year!
"The One With The Proposal" (Season 6, Episode 24)
Joey: Dude, what were you massaging an old man for?
Ross: His daughter was hot.
Joey: Gotcha.
"The One With Rachel's Book" (Season 7, Episode 2)
Joey: Well how about this one? Testing the effects of Joey Tribbiani on attractive nurse receptionists.
Receptionist: We already got the results back on that one, and they’re not good.
"The One With Unagi" (Season 6, Episode 17)
Monica: Remember that guy Will Colbert from high school?
Rachel: No.
Monica: He was in Ross's class. Marching band. He was kind of overweight. Well, really overweight. I mean, I was his thin friend.
Rachel: Wow, I don't remember him. Honey, are you sure you're not talking about your imaginary boyfriend?
Monica: No, that was Jarod. Wow. Haven't thought about him for a long time.
"The One With The Rumor" (Season 8, Episode 9)
Phoebe: I brought you my old maternity clothes!
Rachel: Oh Pheebs that’s so sweet. Ooh, those are so cute!
Phoebe: Yeah! And look, see how they expand as the baby grows. And then after the baby’s born, they’re great for shoplifting melons.
"The One With The Rumor" (Season 8, Episode 9)
Monica: There's nothing to tell. He's just some guy I work with.
Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy. There's gotta be something wrong with him.
Chandler: So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?
Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk? It's just that I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl.
"The One Where Monica Gets A New Roommate" (Season 1, Episode 1)
Monica: Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project. You wanna work out? I can remake you.
Chandler: Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying-around time.
"The One Where Ross Finds Out" ( Season 2, Episode 7)
Joey: It's never taken me a week to get over a relationship.
Monica: It's never taken you more than a shower to get over a relationship.
"The One Without the Ski Trip" (Season 3, Episode 17)
Joey: You're smoking again?
Chandler: Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, I'm smoking still.
"The One Without the Ski Trip" (Season 3, Episode 17)
Rachel: Hey, you guys wanna go see a movie?
Ross: Yeah, sure.
Rachel: How about you, Phoebe?
Phoebe: No, thanks, I've already seen one.
"The One After Vegas" (Season 6, Episode 1)
Phoebe: And he has one of these. (Phoebe imitates a butt chin)
Chandler: A face butt?
"The One with Joey's Fridge" (Season 6, Episode 19)
Joey: Look at this clown. Just 'cause he got a bigger boat, he thinks he can take up the whole river. Get out of the way! Who names their boat Coast Guard, anyway?
Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.
Joey: What are they doing out here? The coast is way over there.
"The One with Phoebe's Cookies" (Season 7, Episode 3)
"Hey, what do you think is a better excuse for why I'm not drinking on this date tonight: I'm a recovering alcoholic, I'm a Mormon, or I got so hammered last night I'm still a little drunk?" — Rachel
"The One with Rachel's Date" (Season 8, Episode 5)
"OK, for a girl — Phoebe; and for a boy — Phoebo." — Phoebe
"The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath" (Season 8, Episode 13)
Phoebe: They're coming this way. Run!
Joey: Where?
Phoebe: Mexico!
"The One with the Blind Dates" (Season 9, Episode 14)
Chandler: Wow, so tonight might be the night. You nervous?
Joey: Nah. This is the part I'm actually good at.
Chandler: What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing?
Joey: It's okay!
"The One with Ross' Tan" (Season 10, Episode 3)
Tag: Rachel, I know what you're going through. I'm totally freaked out about turning twenty-five.
Rachel: Get out. Get out of my apartment.
"The One Where They All Turn Thirty" (Season 7, Episode 14)
Dana: You'd really feel better about me rejecting you if your actor friend can audition for my movie?
Chandler: Well, the heart wants what it wants. See ya later.
The One Where Ross Dates a Student" (Season 6, Episode 18)
Monica: Uh, No. Loosely translated, "we should do this again," means "you will NEVER see me naked."
Phoebe: Or, or, you know, "I think we should see other people," means, "Ha ha, I already am."
"The One With The Thumb" (Season 1, Episode 3)
"Pants and a sweater... why, mom? Who am I gonna meet in a blackout? Power company guys? Eligible looters? Could we talk about this later? Okay." — Monica
"The One With The Blackout" (Season 1, Episode 7)
Ross: Wait, wait... So you get to be my best man twice and I never get to be yours at all?
Chandler: Oh, no... you... yeah, of course, you get to be my best man.
Joey: What about me? You just said I could!
Chandler: I'm not even getting married, okay? This is a question for science-fiction writers!
"The One With The Worst Best Man Ever" (Season 4, Episode 22)
Chandler: Okay, what is in here? Rocks?
Ross: No, no. This is my collection of fossil samples.
Chandler: So... rocks.
"The One With The Yeti" (Season 5, Episode 6)
Andrea Waltham: Well, if you're one of Ross's best friends, why aren't you here?
Phoebe: Yeah, because,um, I can't fly. I'm having my brother's babies.
Andrea Waltham: Oh? Am I on the radio?
"The One With Ross's Wedding" (Season 4, Episode 24)
Monica: It's beautiful! It's like the first bathroom floor there ever was. Whoa! What are you going in there for?
Chandler: What, like a number?
"The One With Frank Jr." (Season 3, Episode 5)
Joey: So the Porsche guy took his car back.
Chandler: But you found the keys to his clothes?
Joey: No. No, I just, uh... I just love the way it feels when everybody thinks I own a Porsche.
Monica: And people will think you own a Porsche because you're wearing the clothes?
Joey: Of course! Only an idiot would wear this stuff if you didn't have the car! Right?
Chandler: That is true.
Phoebe: Yeah, but only a genius would swallow a sonic blaster gun.
Joey: Oh, I've been there. Yeah, I am gonna go drive my Porsche.
Monica: Joey, you know, you don't actually have one.
Joey: Come on! What are you doing? I'm in character! Would you talk to her!
"The One With Joey's Porsche" (Season 6, Episode 5)
Ross: It's breast milk.
Phoebe: So?
Rachel: Phoebe, that is juice squeezed from a person!
"The One With The Breast Milk" (Season 2, Episode 2)
Ross: No, no, Carol. There's nothing wrong with it. I just... I just don't think breast milk is for adults.
Chandler: Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike.
"The One With The Breast Milk" (Season 2, Episode 2)
Rachel: God. (Sits down.) I have never been so uncomfortable in my entire life!
Phoebe: Oh I know, I’ve been there. I remember toward the end…
Rachel: (Interrupting her) Oh Phoebe, that’s a great story. Can you tell it to me when you’re getting me some iced tea?
"The One Where Rachel is Late" (Season 8, Episode 22)
Chandler: All right, I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?
Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40?
Chandler: Oh, no, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.
Monica: Okay. Hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?
Chandler: No, no, no.
Monica: No, no, seriously, what is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?
Chandler: Uh... uh...
Monica: Well?
Chandler: Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack!
"The One With The Birth" (Season 1, Episode 23)
Ross: Carol, honey? Shh, everything's gonna be all right.
Carol: What do you know? No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi. Is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it?"
"The One With Two Parts, part 1" (Season 1, Episode 16)
Rachel: All right, believe me. If you win the lottery, it's the last you're gonna hear from us!
Monica: Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! Yeah, and then I'll pay for their plastic surgery so they'd look just like you!
"The One With The Lottery" (Season 9, Episode 18)
