Teen Doesn’t Listen When His Teacher Asks Him To Make A Biological Family Tree When He’s Adopted And Gets The Lowest Grade
Interview
Teachers definitely know a lot and can broaden their students’ knowledge, and that is why they may get really angry when their authority is challenged and their requests are questioned. It is impossible to know everything and they don’t know everything and can make mistakes. On top of that, even though they might be great specialists, they might not be the most pleasant and understanding human beings.
This mom was quite irritated with an assignment a teacher gave her son and her reaction when he refused to do it as he was told. She lashed out at the teacher, but started to doubt whether she should have used the language she did despite her intentions being to defend her son.
More info: Reddit
Mom kind of regrets lashing out at her son’s teacher, but at the same time she was defending him as the teacher was out of line
Image source: osseous (not the actual photo)
The Original Poster (OP) has three children with her husband. One of them is their biological child and two others are siblings but adopted. One of the adopted sons is 17 years old and it is clear his parents are not his biological ones from his looks, as he has blonde hair and very white skin, while his mom has dark skin and his dad has dark hair.
This didn’t go unnoticed by his history teacher, who got to meet his parents at his house. During a lesson, the teacher asked the class to draw their family tree, but asked the OP’s specifically to draw his biological family.
The teen didn’t want to do that and drew the people he acknowledged as his parents and siblings he considered to be his family. The teacher gave him the lowest grade for the assignment and contacted his parents.
The mom insulted the teacher a couple of times for making her son follow different rules than what she had assigned for everyone else and added that the assignment wouldn’t be complete if the teen would have done as the teacher asked because his biological mom is dead, his dad is in prison and there are no other biological family members he keeps in contact with.
The OP has an adoptive son that differs very much in looks and it seems that his history teacher noticed it
Image credits: This-Quantity-186
When Bored Panda reached out to Reddit user This-Quantity-186, she told us that the teacher didn’t respond to the messages and she saw the teacher only “at the meeting [she] had with the principal and that was to apologize, [they] haven’t spoken since then.”
According to Tutors For Less, singling out students should be avoided because it affects them emotionally as “Not only are you making the student feel uncomfortable, you are potentially initiating schoolyard bullying because you made the student feel that he/she does not belong and you are highlighting a weakness in front of their peers.”
Apparently, the teacher may feel that having adoptive parents is shameful, or maybe she sees not having white parents while being white as shameful, as the mom mentioned in the replies to comments that she heard rumors of the teacher being racist.
The OP’s husband was also very upset about the situation, but he “did his best to stay calm and rational and supported [their] son in his decision to not complete the assignment how [the teacher] wanted.”
She asked the class to draw their family trees but asked only the OP’s son to include his biological parents only
Image credits: This-Quantity-186
It is inevitable that parents will have to deal with unreasonable teachers in the decade or even more that the child is going to school. Very Well Family suggests that when your child is dealing with an irrational teacher, the most important thing is to support your child and listen to what the exact problem they are having with the teacher is.
Then they should talk with a teacher, but they stress that it should be done calmly and without an accusatory tone, trying to find out how the teacher sees the situation. If there is no consensus with the teacher, a parent has the option of going to administration or the principal.
The student didn’t do that and included the people who he considered his real family in the genealogical tree
Image credits: This-Quantity-186
The OP didn’t really want to escalate things and involve school staff at first because she didn’t want the teacher getting in trouble, even though her husband believed it was a serious enough problem to report. People in the comments were also suggesting the teacher’s behavior should be known to the principal and the staff. The mom suspects that now many of them should know what happened because they did talked to the school about it.
If nothing helps and the school is big enough to change teachers, this could be one of the indirect solutions to the problem. The mom shared in the comments that this is what they did because the teacher brought up some trauma that her son was working through with his therapist and now this event has sent him back in his progress.
The teacher gave the lowest grade and contacted the parents about their son not listening to her, to which the mom responded with a couple of swears
Image credits: This-Quantity-186
The mother is now worried that the teacher may think worse of her son because of her behavior and wanted to hear what the internet had to say
Image source: Scott Woods-Fehr (not the actual photo)
The mom regrets talking the way she did: “I feel like I might be the a**hole because I could’ve conducted myself more gracefully and been kinder. It was rude to call her names and I regret not being more polite as she could use this to think more negatively of my son in the future.”
People in the comments agreed that she could have chosen different words to make her point clear as the language she used might make other people at school not take her seriously. But they also understood the mother and considered the teacher the bigger jerk in the situation.
Let us know what your thoughts are and if you think that it is acceptable to swear at a teacher that is clearly making your child uncomfortable and being inconsiderate. Have you ever needed to deal with a teacher like this? How did you resolve the problem and what advice would you give to other parents?
Many people believed OP could have avoided the insults as they don’t add to a productive discussion, but agreed that she was mad for a good reason
The language mom used was inappropriate. Acknowledge that and that it came from a place of frustration while defending your family. Then calmly, rationally, politely light that b***h up. CC the principal, superintendent, school board, and anyone else you can think of. Always admit your mistakes, it throws off your enemies.
I don't know why you were downvoted, so I added an upvote. Everytime I am attacked, I do my best to stay polite because it's the best way to win an argument. People are screaming at me? I smile and talk quietly. If I lost my nerves and insulted somebody, I would acknowledge that it wasn't an appropriate reaction. It sets the stage for a real discussion/argument. If you scream/ call names, you've already lost. Also I think the teacher is a racist b*tch and should be reported.
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Dumb b***h, I was part of the foster system for seven years and the family that adopts you is your true family because they chose yo. know if it was your foster family they’re probably using you to get money, but family does not mean blood it means love. You do not get to pick your siblings or your parents but you can pick your family
I've come to the resolution recently to try to avoid giving explanation to dumb people. It's not good for my heart and I would get on the "b****h" part pretty fast. So, I try to deal with a 3rd part. In kindergarden my son's teacher made a couple of comments about him needing an hair cut ( he keeps his hair long). It was totally sexist ( I checked with parents of girls with untied long hair ) and a power move (she's the type "look at me when I talk to you, don't you dare holding my gaze when I scream"). I tried to politely refused, pointing the sexist part but she was pissed and kept nagging my son about that. Before turning into a She Hulk and crushing her head for harassing my 5yo, I went to the headmaster and wrote to the Rectorat. So yeah, I went straight to her "managers" in a calm, respectful and factual kind of way. And I had to do that a couple of times again with her... But the problems were solved and I kept myself to call her a b****h 😋
I'm adopted. The teacher was completely out of line. It can be a very traumatic part of your life and nobody should be forced to confront it, especially in front of their classmates. No you shouldn't have sworn at her, but I understand why. Your family is the people who love you and care for you - full stop.
Wow. Retired Teacher here. This is so messed up. Clearly that teacher has racial motivations going on. There is assignments from child development that teachers may have students do at the beginning of the year. They are in the draw a person group. Usually the first drawing is a person or themselves the second drawing is who they consider their family or who lives at their house. I qualified it that way because there are kids with split custody. I just say either or both however you want to draw it. Next is a house and last is a tree. Their skill level reveals a lot about their development. How big they are drawn on the the picture, how detailed, size in relation to other family members, colors-happy or scary, proportion on the house and size and detail of the tree. It would let me know right away if there were any problems going on. And I would take that into account when teaching and helping that child with lessons. I would talk to the principal and have them address the problem.
This is a really great, really clever screening tool for young children. It sounds like you were a fantastic educator who went the extra mile to tailor your lessons to your individual students when needed so they could excel in the way that best suited them. You must have touched countless young lives!
Load More Replies... My children faced similar issues in elementary school 30+ years ago. Every time "family tree" popped up we gave out a collective shudder. Our kids have known they are adopted from a very young age. They look very different from us. So when the time was appropriate we spoke to them about it. Fortunately, all of their teachers were sensitive to the issue, and open to find alternatives without calling a lot of attention to our kids. I would have been NUTS if a teacher marked them differently. How is that teacher qualified to be called an "educator"?
Many adopted children don't even know their biological family formation. I believe this teacher was trying to prove some sick point. She should be fired.
Mom cussing out the teacher is not what people should be focusing on here. If you're taking the teacher's side simply because mom used bad words then you need to grow a back bone and reevaluate yourself.
I don't think anybody is taking the teacher's side, but this question was about judgement on whether the mom went too far. She did. Doesn't make her wrong. But she should apologize for her language and if it does go further, she's got that going for her and then everyone can focus on the actual problem: the teacher's original behaviour.
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OP is NTA but the teacher was as she was called. It was very racist of the teacher to include other students' pets but exclude the black parents. I'm glad OP swore. I would've too.
Am I the only one who is glad that she called that teacher a stupid b*tch? Yes, going to the principal or something first and being diplomatic is best.... but it does sound like that teacher is a stupid b... If I could I would have been there to be a cheerleader to that Mom and spelled out the word with my body and pom poms.
The teacher is a massive a*****e. First of all, the kid rightfully considers his adoptive parents his actual family, and presenting a bunch of stranger who happen to be biologically related to him as "a real family" must be highly uncomfortable for him. Besides, it' may be a sensitive topic for him, whether his bio parents died, gave him up for adoption or lost their parental rights - it's hardly a story to reminisce. And finally, there is a good chance he doesn't actually know anything about his bio relatives. Or they expected him to start a full-blown investigation just for a silly school task?
My kids aren't adopted but I just don't think this is appropriate for schools to ask of children. It's none of their business and I felt like my privacy was being invaded. When my kid had a family tree assignment we made the whole thing up. What are they going to do? Fact check?
That would actually be a much better version of the assignment. Make a family tree for fictional characters or a historical figure. Or everyone do the teacher's family tree if you want to to be relevant to the classroom. It's too contentious when it's kids and their own personal family, for so many reasons.
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My two daughters were adopted and have no knowledge of their biological relations. I dreaded the family tree assignments I knew they would encounter in school, but when it happened, the teacher made it clear to the parents that it wasn't about genetics; they were teaching how family relationships work, like grandparents, stepparents, great aunts, third cousins, etc. The kids were only graded on their effort, so they all did fine. The teacher in this story needs to get a clue.
Nta, her child having to look up bio family, while being adopted, is cruel imo. It can be extremely triggering for him and painful. The mother really didn't herself, or her son, any favors though by resorting to cursing as that will now just get used against her when/if she reports to the higher ups
My kid's school gave her a complex in kindergarten. They kept telling her she has 2 moms and 2 dads and asking her who she is staying with and questions about her step parents .... Me and her dad are her biological parents and we live a "nuclear" life, but we aren't legally married. They WOULD NOT STOP IT.
I don't think the mom's language was uncalled for at all. The fact that this teacher deliberately singled this child out by requiring him to complete a class assignment by one set of rules while holding the rest of his peers to a completely different set is, in fact, her being a b***h and an incredibly stupid one since civil rights violations are no longer being quietly swept under the rug.
I always hated any assignment that had to do with family. Usually I lied and made stuff up but I was terrified of getting caught and getting a bad grade because of it. Teachers seriously need to realize that some kids aren’t able to do those kinds of assignments and offer some alternative that the kids can choose between. But this teacher is just an AH who wanted to single him out
Call the teacher out on her racism. I'd drag her to the principal's office, if that were me and we'd have a come to jesus meeting about her racism and that how unacceptable it was and that it won't be tolerated. Then I'd request my child to be pulled from that teacher's class if possible. If not, I'd tell that teacher that there better not be the slightest wiff of retribution or bullying of my kid by her and if there were, there'd be lawyers lined up to sue her and the school for civil rights violations.
even if the son knew all the family story of his bio family why would the teacher make him to share it with her or the rest of the class when obviously it could trigger something. like talking about your father going to prison in front of the class is not something you should do because your teacher said so. this is personal stuff and it should be up to you if you want to share
I’m surprised to see that OPs language - OP, a woman who just had her child subjected to blatant, nauseating racism - becomes the number one issue to so many. She was rude, totally, but doesn’t the teacher abusing her position of power to shìt all over a student in a fit of explosive racism overshadow that by just a little bit…? OP is a mother. Her child was hassled by a racist at school. By the person who should have protected him. I totally get her language. I wouldn’t do the same, but dude - I don’t blame her.
Teacher here- If this is the full story, then this teacher is in the wrong. Mom here royally screwed up by cussing out the teacher, though, which will likely lead to no real consequences for the teacher. It's clear the administration took the easy way out by removing the student from the class- now they're going to declare "problem solved" and leave a monster of a person in the classroom to hurt more kids. At this point, if OP wants to actually do something about it, you make your complaints to the admin and school board... and the local press. Alert the local newspaper or tv news about what's going on. Once they're involved, the school will have to take it seriously. It may even encourage other victims to come forward as they'll know they're not alone.
Does this teacher not realize that not all adopted children get the chance to know their biological families? Is she just going to fail anyone that can trace their “family tree” past their grandparents with just blood relatives?
If a teacher who's literal job is to be supportive of children and care about them along with teaching them is a racist pos and is singling out kids she deserves every cuss word thrown at her. Everyone that thinks the mom was in the wrong has never had to deal with that. I think she got off easy. That poor baby has been through enough.
~Forty years ago, my siblings and I got less marks on our family trees because we only have 3 branches instead of 4. Our grandmothers were sisters. My father paid the priest to get my mother and him married. When we told our teacher that was the reason for it, she treated us like we were heretics or something, recoiling in horror of such a lie. If five different kids came up with the same story over the years, isn't it time to start believing it or ask the parents questions???
I find it very hard to believe that this was NOT racially motivated when the teacher allowed the rest of the class to include their pets in their family trees but OP's son was singled out because he is visibly not the biological offspring of his parents and teacher only knows this because she has eyes and has met them. Mom was right. This woman is a stupid b!tch.
BP missed the bit (which was buried in the comments so I'm not blaming them) about the situation being resolved, but not until the teacher "(allegedly) made derogatory comments about [OP's] husband being Jewish"; she quit sometime after that…
Eventually the teacher and this event will be a distant memory. The fact that you stood up for and by your son will last a lifetime.
Well you're just so right... from behind your computer, not emotionally connected at all, with the ability to delete and rephrase before posting, and likely not able to relate to this in any meaningful way. Just opinionated and narcissistic.
Load More Replies... The language mom used was inappropriate. Acknowledge that and that it came from a place of frustration while defending your family. Then calmly, rationally, politely light that b***h up. CC the principal, superintendent, school board, and anyone else you can think of. Always admit your mistakes, it throws off your enemies.
I don't know why you were downvoted, so I added an upvote. Everytime I am attacked, I do my best to stay polite because it's the best way to win an argument. People are screaming at me? I smile and talk quietly. If I lost my nerves and insulted somebody, I would acknowledge that it wasn't an appropriate reaction. It sets the stage for a real discussion/argument. If you scream/ call names, you've already lost. Also I think the teacher is a racist b*tch and should be reported.
Load More Replies... Dumb b***h, I was part of the foster system for seven years and the family that adopts you is your true family because they chose yo. know if it was your foster family they’re probably using you to get money, but family does not mean blood it means love. You do not get to pick your siblings or your parents but you can pick your family
I've come to the resolution recently to try to avoid giving explanation to dumb people. It's not good for my heart and I would get on the "b****h" part pretty fast. So, I try to deal with a 3rd part. In kindergarden my son's teacher made a couple of comments about him needing an hair cut ( he keeps his hair long). It was totally sexist ( I checked with parents of girls with untied long hair ) and a power move (she's the type "look at me when I talk to you, don't you dare holding my gaze when I scream"). I tried to politely refused, pointing the sexist part but she was pissed and kept nagging my son about that. Before turning into a She Hulk and crushing her head for harassing my 5yo, I went to the headmaster and wrote to the Rectorat. So yeah, I went straight to her "managers" in a calm, respectful and factual kind of way. And I had to do that a couple of times again with her... But the problems were solved and I kept myself to call her a b****h 😋
I'm adopted. The teacher was completely out of line. It can be a very traumatic part of your life and nobody should be forced to confront it, especially in front of their classmates. No you shouldn't have sworn at her, but I understand why. Your family is the people who love you and care for you - full stop.
Wow. Retired Teacher here. This is so messed up. Clearly that teacher has racial motivations going on. There is assignments from child development that teachers may have students do at the beginning of the year. They are in the draw a person group. Usually the first drawing is a person or themselves the second drawing is who they consider their family or who lives at their house. I qualified it that way because there are kids with split custody. I just say either or both however you want to draw it. Next is a house and last is a tree. Their skill level reveals a lot about their development. How big they are drawn on the the picture, how detailed, size in relation to other family members, colors-happy or scary, proportion on the house and size and detail of the tree. It would let me know right away if there were any problems going on. And I would take that into account when teaching and helping that child with lessons. I would talk to the principal and have them address the problem.
This is a really great, really clever screening tool for young children. It sounds like you were a fantastic educator who went the extra mile to tailor your lessons to your individual students when needed so they could excel in the way that best suited them. You must have touched countless young lives!
Load More Replies... My children faced similar issues in elementary school 30+ years ago. Every time "family tree" popped up we gave out a collective shudder. Our kids have known they are adopted from a very young age. They look very different from us. So when the time was appropriate we spoke to them about it. Fortunately, all of their teachers were sensitive to the issue, and open to find alternatives without calling a lot of attention to our kids. I would have been NUTS if a teacher marked them differently. How is that teacher qualified to be called an "educator"?
Many adopted children don't even know their biological family formation. I believe this teacher was trying to prove some sick point. She should be fired.
Mom cussing out the teacher is not what people should be focusing on here. If you're taking the teacher's side simply because mom used bad words then you need to grow a back bone and reevaluate yourself.
I don't think anybody is taking the teacher's side, but this question was about judgement on whether the mom went too far. She did. Doesn't make her wrong. But she should apologize for her language and if it does go further, she's got that going for her and then everyone can focus on the actual problem: the teacher's original behaviour.
Load More Replies... OP is NTA but the teacher was as she was called. It was very racist of the teacher to include other students' pets but exclude the black parents. I'm glad OP swore. I would've too.
Am I the only one who is glad that she called that teacher a stupid b*tch? Yes, going to the principal or something first and being diplomatic is best.... but it does sound like that teacher is a stupid b... If I could I would have been there to be a cheerleader to that Mom and spelled out the word with my body and pom poms.
The teacher is a massive a*****e. First of all, the kid rightfully considers his adoptive parents his actual family, and presenting a bunch of stranger who happen to be biologically related to him as "a real family" must be highly uncomfortable for him. Besides, it' may be a sensitive topic for him, whether his bio parents died, gave him up for adoption or lost their parental rights - it's hardly a story to reminisce. And finally, there is a good chance he doesn't actually know anything about his bio relatives. Or they expected him to start a full-blown investigation just for a silly school task?
My kids aren't adopted but I just don't think this is appropriate for schools to ask of children. It's none of their business and I felt like my privacy was being invaded. When my kid had a family tree assignment we made the whole thing up. What are they going to do? Fact check?
That would actually be a much better version of the assignment. Make a family tree for fictional characters or a historical figure. Or everyone do the teacher's family tree if you want to to be relevant to the classroom. It's too contentious when it's kids and their own personal family, for so many reasons.
Load More Replies... My two daughters were adopted and have no knowledge of their biological relations. I dreaded the family tree assignments I knew they would encounter in school, but when it happened, the teacher made it clear to the parents that it wasn't about genetics; they were teaching how family relationships work, like grandparents, stepparents, great aunts, third cousins, etc. The kids were only graded on their effort, so they all did fine. The teacher in this story needs to get a clue.
Nta, her child having to look up bio family, while being adopted, is cruel imo. It can be extremely triggering for him and painful. The mother really didn't herself, or her son, any favors though by resorting to cursing as that will now just get used against her when/if she reports to the higher ups
My kid's school gave her a complex in kindergarten. They kept telling her she has 2 moms and 2 dads and asking her who she is staying with and questions about her step parents .... Me and her dad are her biological parents and we live a "nuclear" life, but we aren't legally married. They WOULD NOT STOP IT.
I don't think the mom's language was uncalled for at all. The fact that this teacher deliberately singled this child out by requiring him to complete a class assignment by one set of rules while holding the rest of his peers to a completely different set is, in fact, her being a b***h and an incredibly stupid one since civil rights violations are no longer being quietly swept under the rug.
I always hated any assignment that had to do with family. Usually I lied and made stuff up but I was terrified of getting caught and getting a bad grade because of it. Teachers seriously need to realize that some kids aren’t able to do those kinds of assignments and offer some alternative that the kids can choose between. But this teacher is just an AH who wanted to single him out
Call the teacher out on her racism. I'd drag her to the principal's office, if that were me and we'd have a come to jesus meeting about her racism and that how unacceptable it was and that it won't be tolerated. Then I'd request my child to be pulled from that teacher's class if possible. If not, I'd tell that teacher that there better not be the slightest wiff of retribution or bullying of my kid by her and if there were, there'd be lawyers lined up to sue her and the school for civil rights violations.
even if the son knew all the family story of his bio family why would the teacher make him to share it with her or the rest of the class when obviously it could trigger something. like talking about your father going to prison in front of the class is not something you should do because your teacher said so. this is personal stuff and it should be up to you if you want to share
I’m surprised to see that OPs language - OP, a woman who just had her child subjected to blatant, nauseating racism - becomes the number one issue to so many. She was rude, totally, but doesn’t the teacher abusing her position of power to shìt all over a student in a fit of explosive racism overshadow that by just a little bit…? OP is a mother. Her child was hassled by a racist at school. By the person who should have protected him. I totally get her language. I wouldn’t do the same, but dude - I don’t blame her.
Teacher here- If this is the full story, then this teacher is in the wrong. Mom here royally screwed up by cussing out the teacher, though, which will likely lead to no real consequences for the teacher. It's clear the administration took the easy way out by removing the student from the class- now they're going to declare "problem solved" and leave a monster of a person in the classroom to hurt more kids. At this point, if OP wants to actually do something about it, you make your complaints to the admin and school board... and the local press. Alert the local newspaper or tv news about what's going on. Once they're involved, the school will have to take it seriously. It may even encourage other victims to come forward as they'll know they're not alone.
Does this teacher not realize that not all adopted children get the chance to know their biological families? Is she just going to fail anyone that can trace their “family tree” past their grandparents with just blood relatives?
If a teacher who's literal job is to be supportive of children and care about them along with teaching them is a racist pos and is singling out kids she deserves every cuss word thrown at her. Everyone that thinks the mom was in the wrong has never had to deal with that. I think she got off easy. That poor baby has been through enough.
~Forty years ago, my siblings and I got less marks on our family trees because we only have 3 branches instead of 4. Our grandmothers were sisters. My father paid the priest to get my mother and him married. When we told our teacher that was the reason for it, she treated us like we were heretics or something, recoiling in horror of such a lie. If five different kids came up with the same story over the years, isn't it time to start believing it or ask the parents questions???
I find it very hard to believe that this was NOT racially motivated when the teacher allowed the rest of the class to include their pets in their family trees but OP's son was singled out because he is visibly not the biological offspring of his parents and teacher only knows this because she has eyes and has met them. Mom was right. This woman is a stupid b!tch.
BP missed the bit (which was buried in the comments so I'm not blaming them) about the situation being resolved, but not until the teacher "(allegedly) made derogatory comments about [OP's] husband being Jewish"; she quit sometime after that…
Eventually the teacher and this event will be a distant memory. The fact that you stood up for and by your son will last a lifetime.
Well you're just so right... from behind your computer, not emotionally connected at all, with the ability to delete and rephrase before posting, and likely not able to relate to this in any meaningful way. Just opinionated and narcissistic.
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