Just vent. I won't reply.
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I hate how the Internet is dying. For example: ebay used to be a platform where you could sell specific stuff to people who search for specific stuff. Now it's just a dollar store junk pile. Same thing happens to all the other marketplaces and the same thing happens to information. I often search for help online but all I get are useless and biased forum posts or so-called news articles. And ads. Everywhere. And Autocorrect and predicted results. I want to search that exact term. Not something that may sound similar and is popular at the moment. Search results: page 1-10 have nothing to do with what you searched, page 11 might contain a useful result, page 12-144 are porn and malware using some search tag generator. Also webpages are often not designed to be navigated by the viewer themselves. The host wants to guide them. Guide them to the places they want you to see. And the one big platform where information is gathered and accessible is said to be an "unreliable source". Yeah of course 'anybody' can write an article on Wikipedia but it's still reviewed and moderated and 99.99% of its content is just plain true and trustworthy.
Just passed my 20 year anniversary at work and instead of a gift, email, sticky note or anything acknowledging that or thanking me for my loyalty my annual Christmas bonus gets cut by $4,000.00!! WTH?
My husband called me lazy last night because I didn’t feel like eating. I sometimes find it hard to do stuff. Just no motivation. I just want to sleep. But I get up early, work from 8am to 3pm and then from 5pm to 8-10pm Wednesday through Sunday. Every week. I get so anxious Tuesday night because I just don’t want to go to work. Like, pit in my stomach nauseous panicky anxious. I work, come home. Work, come home. When I’m home I just want to sit and stare at the tv. No, I’m not really watching what’s on but does it matter? I do nothing. Because I want to. Because I can. Because the crushing weight of “why should I?” is easier to avoid than trying when I just don’t feel like it. What’s the point? He knows all this. But he still called me lazy. He’s always been super clingy and “helpful”. He does everything. If my cup is empty, he fills it. If I’m hungry, he makes food and puts it in front of me. But I’ve never asked him to. He says he does it because it makes him feel useful so I don’t say anything besides thanking him. Now he’s mad because I’m refusing to let him do anything for me at all. I don’t care if I’m the AH. I want to be upset about it and I’m tired of being told “he didn’t mean it” or asked “would he do it to purposely hurt you?” where the obvious answer is no. I don’t care if he didn’t mean to be hurtful and I don’t care that he doesn’t mean to break things all the time (careless) but I’m not allowed to be upset? It’s not like I want to punch him (maybe?) but I do want his mother to shut it with the “he didn’t mean to” crap. So what? It doesn’t change the fact that he broke a crystal heart shaped jewelry box that I loved. No, it wasn’t expensive. No, I got it for myself and not as a gift. But it was mine. I loved it. He broke it. Let me be mad for a bit and then I’ll get over it. Calling me lazy when he knows that I struggle to do even the things I used to enjoy? Really? I didn’t grow up rich like he did. I didn’t have a therapist because I smoked pot and mom was worried I’d be a criminal over it. I didn’t have a house to live in. I couldn’t go to school when I wanted to. I didn’t have parents or family who gave a s**t. So yeah, I process things differently and I hold my possessions gently. My mom was too busy snorting coke or sleeping to feed me or even let me in the car/motel room. So I have food issues. I don’t eat the last of anything. I don’t cook just for myself. Because to me it’s a waste. I also have issues about my personal property. I know I’m insane and all he did was call me lazy but I’m mad. This is the first and damn well better be the last time he calls me lazy. There. Rant ended. Now I’ll go pretend I’m fine for another 29 years.
I said I won't reply, but I just want to tell you that you're not insane. It's okay to have all types of emotions, even negative ones. It's okay to want space. It's okay to not be happy and carefree all the time. I'm sorry he called you lazy.
