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We all know how disappointing it is to go on a first date and realize the person sitting across from you is a giant red flag. But honestly, that’s a blessing in disguise. Because some people don’t reveal who they really are until years down the line, and that is infinitely worse.
One Redditor asked divorced women to share how their ex-husbands did a “180” after they got married, and the answers were shocking. We’ve rounded up some of the most jaw-dropping stories below. Scroll down to read them and upvote the ones that left you speechless.
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#1
The drinking, the behavior during the drinking, the meanness and vulgar insults he hurled my way, his volatility, the first time he broke something, the first time he was texting “just an old friend,” the first time a friend sent me screenshots of his Tinder, the first time I made excuses for him, the first time he made me cry and *laughed* before giving me a shove.
He was so utterly charming and vulnerable, so passionate and gregarious. He was captivating in every way; from the second we met, I was just SUNK for my ex. I so so so so wanted us to work out. I was so dedicated that I buried my head in the sand.
But I’m stronger and wiser now. And I have made a gorgeous little life for myself. :).
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#2
We agreed to live in Korea temporarily for his mother. After she passed he refused to move back to Canada. So we moved to Japan for a bit, hated living there too. Eventually I had enough divorced him and came back to Canada.
He ended up moving back to Korea and working in the kpop entertainment industry.
He STILL stalks me on social media (mainly this account). I literally had to delete everything to get him to leave me alone.
He never remarried (which is kinda satisfying). And I went onto do *super* well for myself.
The biggest red flag that I had no way of knowing at the time is how Korea treats men and women vs how Canada treats men and women. I met him in Canada in high school, and he acted like a Canadian man. When we got to Korea he did a 180 and acted like a Korean man. I took Japanese and Korean all throughout high school just so I could communicate with his family and *thought* I had a grasp on the culture but my god was I wrong.
Within a year I knew I hated living in Korea AND Japan.
Those countries are not for women.
But my advice to anyone marrying an international man FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KNOW THEIR CULTURE.
I'm part Korean and have citizenship in Korea and thought that would keep me safe but it absolutely did not.
And now I speak/read/write in 2 languages for two countries I hate and absolutely would never live in. I wish AI existed back then because I never would've learnt the languages had I known AI would come into play. I wasted so many years miserable over rose tinted glasses i had on because I loved a man.
I'll never date another Korean man that's for sure.
#3
As a woman who’s signing her divorce papers in less than a week, I can say that in hindsight I did miss a major red flag: *unaccountability*.
It was never his fault.
Ever.
He was always the victim. Everything happened to him.
Also, ladies: (most of the times) the way he talks about his ex is going to be the way he talks about you when your relationship is over!
So let us believe men when they show us who they are. Because they do. With actions, or lack there of.
We sometimes want to believe our love will change them. We want to believe they’ll walk the extra mile for us.
But you cannot love someone into growth.
Claire Elise 2 hours ago
THIS. ALLLL of this. And my successes were only ever due to him. He was just a big cake of excuses with a victim icing. Once when we were joking around and he made a wicked comment, I laughed and smacked the backs of my knuckles against his shoulder. He threatened to leave me if I didn't go to anger management classes. I wish I could make this ish up
#4
He refused to take responsibility for little things, even when they were clearly his fault, and he would get very angry about something small and then pretend like he’d never been upset. He lied constantly, but I only started picking up on that after we were married.
#5
His "180" happened after the birth of our child but, that said: He was a person who was fundamentally unwilling to make sacrifices for loved ones.
It wasn't obvious to me because I've always been a very independent, self-reliant person. I never needed him to make personal sacrifices for me. After the birth of our child both of us needed to make sacrifices and, for the first time in our relationship, I truly needed his help.
This made him intensely resentful. He felt wronged by the necessary changes that come with parenthood and he took it out on me. He cheated and became violent with me for going forward with a divorce.
#6
I married who I thought was my “person”. A naive, star-crossed kind of love, which tinted my glasses a very dark shade of rose. For background- I consider myself a hyper-independent, matriarchal, outspoken and intelligent feminist. Surely I was above the social programming that convinces one to believe in fairy tales. But I was no better.
I thought I had the pacing right and everything. Checked in with myself every step of the way. 1 year dating and living separately. His house seems clean enough. Check. His ability to maintain a stable job to provide for himself seems adequate. Check. He even cooked a meal for me while I was staying over and feeling well. Check. He’s well educated (we met in college! Wow, not even on an app!) Check.
Year two we move in together. We are managing finances together. Check. We are taking care of a home together. Check. We are still spending quality time together and having frequent date nights and intimacy. Check.
Year three we get engaged. We travel. We are on cloud nine. Year three he crashes out over his career. I assume this is normal, his justifications make all the sense in the world. I assume this is one of those hard things couples endure together. He assures he will be back on the horse in just a couple of weeks.
He does not get on the horse. Meanwhile we are planning our wedding. Pushing forward through the discomfort. I learn I cannot approach him about things that are bothering me. Lack of effort. I can’t believe this is the same person I agreed to start my life with. But still, I push forward, attributing our problems to wedding planning stress, feeling immense amounts of compassion for the huge identity crisis he’s going through after years of education and persistence.
I suggest therapy. These conversations get ugly. Suddenly I’m the bad guy all the time. I’m too practical. He’s too depressed. But still, I persist. After all, it is a “star crossed kind of love”.
He never attends.
He finds a new career path. We get married. Things are good again for a while, but he never really picks up slack in the home. I’m tired and frustrated. He says I only care about chores and work. He works less hours than I do and I cook him dinner and clean up after him every night. After 6 months I can’t take it anymore and I beg him to go to therapy because I need help and I’m resentful and we can’t talk about anything without everything falling apart. If not alone then with me. He refuses and gets very angry, for hours if not days, as is typical now for XYZ reason.
I decide to go to therapy myself. I figure it must be my fault. In the first few weeks I learn about better communication styles. In the subsequent weeks I learn about the patterns of emotional mistreatement and am advised to look out for patterns. So I do, but I persist. But so do the patterns. His angry outbursts are more frequent. He is throwing and breaking things. He is kind and sweet. He loves me. He hates me. So I never know what flavor to anticipate and I live my life walking on eggshells.
Suddenly I cannot have hobbies, see friends, see family, without punishment by him, emotional in nature and therefore inherently confusing. The goal posts keeping moving. He is never satisfied, in any capacity, even those involving consent to interact with my body, even when I am unwilling and unable to pour from my empty cup.
He begins to scare me. In counseling I am reminded no one thinks their spouse will hurt them. In counseling I am reminded some people spend decades trapped in this cycle. I learn I thought I was the exception with my fated lover and I was wrong. I don’t want to make the same mistake again so I leave.
I learned about the importance of patterns and paid attention to save my life. I gave too much grace until the end when I knew I could no longer give any. And if I would have had listened to my intuition from the start, I would have realized his good behavior was the exception, just gestures and not the pattern, and I would’ve given less grace then too if I knew then what I know now.
#7
I got married to my ex, he suddenly changed his tune to him being "in charge" as the "man of the house" and making financial decisions. I actually paid the bills because everything came out of my account, but I never had any extra money because so much of my income was used and his wasn't, since my kids weren't his. Then I inherited some money and HE nickeled and dimed it to no end until it was nearly gone less than two years later. Our divorce was final before our second anniversary. It cost me a fortune (the inheritance) but it was worth it to get rid of him. He didn't display any of this behavior beforehand.
#8
The red flags were there, I just didn't know that they were red flags.
My ex-husband true colors did not totally come out until after my first child was born, about 2 years into our marriage. I think the birth threatened his "space and attention." The day he called me a "bad mom" (I was struggling with PPD), and threw me across the room, was the day I should have left, but I thought it was accident and wouldn't happen again. He never touched me again, but things also never got any better.
#9
I truly didn’t see any red flags, even in hindsight, I can’t explain his absolute revolt against me. I went from being his best friend to his enemy and authority figure that he needed to fight against.
Ray Ceeya (RayCeeYa) 5 hours ago
I feel that one. She never told me why. We were besties for over a decade. Then she just threw me away.
#10
His friends and family told me what a "good influence" I was on him and how he used to be before I came in the picture - quick to escalate situations, yelling, physically fighting, etc.
Turns out, I was only a good influence until I couldn't easily walk away. And by then, we had moved to a different state. Our new friends knew the "cool" version of him and it was just me getting the version of him that his people warned me about.
#11
The only red flag was that he aggressively chased me and was too quick to move in together, propose, have a big wedding, etc. Literally the day after the wedding, he decided he finally “got me” and was bored now that the game of chase was over. Within a month, he found a new girl to obsess over.
#12
How his friends’ partners viewed him. Every wife and long term girlfriend among his friends hated him. This wasn’t just in one friend group. Some of these women didn’t know each other and yet all viewed him as a huge jerk.
#13
I dismissed small red flags like hiding a silly swimsuit calendar, small instances of rigidness or control, and little lies. He had been hiding a lot more and a lot worse. His control turned nasty once I had a child, and he ended up mistreating me in every possible way. It really wasn't a 180, but like he was able to hide who he was because, as a woman, I was taught to compromise and play nice with men. Allow for their small mistakes. But I didn't know that these were little tests. They were little pushes against boundaries until I was placated and vulnerable. Once I was isolated from family and friends, and locked in due to the baby, he no longer had to hide who he was
#14
There were red flags in hindsight, but at the time, when someone acts bad once a year and seems to be accountable afterwards, then isn’t that just being human? That’s what I thought until I realized afterwards that those times were when he showed his true self. Overall, he was someone that was careless with his close relationship. He always felt like he could apologize his way out of a situation, so often he’d do whatever he felt like doing without consideration for how it would affect others.
Unfortunately, you can never predict how someone will change or how they might react to bad circumstances that have never happened before. All you can do is have a strong understanding of what you’re looking for in a partner and what you’re not willing to tolerate. When you know that, you’ll be willing to walk away when your partner changes in intolerable ways. .
#15
Don’t marry in the 3 year window of infatuation. He showed me who he really was when the dopamine came crashing down. We weren’t compatible and by that point there was a kid involved. Don’t push a man to marry you. Most people will absolutely not stay married and for those who do, only 20% are happy at 20 years. Or you can just stay together after someone cheats and you’re totally over the marriage. (Hint: there’s a reason so many split when the kids are finally gone). And by the way, you won’t beat the odds.
Laserleader 3 hours ago
All of this is what my doomsaying man-hating, 3 times "married" sister says (and I KNOW those numbers are not accurate about 20 years). People change over the years, and Ive been with my man for over 20, and our relationship is always shifting, and I am not happy in life, but I will always love him and I am happy with him always.
#16
I mean- his irritability was within the range of normal. At least while he wore the mask.
It's like turning the temperature up slowly--they get you used to small things and then all of the sudden you've had to lock yourself in the bathroom to get away from him and 911 can't hear you yelling for help because he's pounding the door so hard.
Then you're like "how tf did I get here."
The biggest thing though--all of his exes were to blame rather than him. And also I learned that he had been lying and gossiping about people we knew *to me* to try to get me to distance myself from them.
I hadn't had a toxic relationship with a partner so those things didn't alarm me at the time.
#17
My ex didn’t exactly do a 180 (at first). It was more that I started becoming more and more aware of the behavior that was hurting us. The subtle manipulation, the lack of accountability, every argument started with me finally *respectfully* opening up about my feelings, then ended with me crying and apologizing to him for ‘making him feel like a bad person’…I noticed subtle acts of selfishness and an unwillingness to actually change, that I knew was there before but I guess I just let it go. When I found out he cheated I was devastated and felt horribly betrayed. Then it’s like all the signs slapped me in the face. They were all there. All the same ones I noticed towards his exes at the time when we first got together at 20. He had been lying to me for a long time about basically everything and I supported him emotionally and financially and said sorry for bothering you the whole time.
He did do a complete 180 though when he tried to get me to sign our mortgage over without a guarantee of my half of the equity. I said no, of course, I want it in the divorce papers and I want to make sure it’s the correct amount for each of us. He literally flipped the switch from the quiet nice chill guy to someone yelling at me over texts and accusing me of things I literally never did. He was so mean. He spoke to me in ways he never had in 10 years. Idk who he even is. Now, thankfully divorced, he is dragging out the house refinance as a last ditch effort to control the situation.
I will never believe someone who is too nice, or avoids conflict again. “We never fight/argue/disagree” is not a good sign.
#18
We were friends for a couple of years, got into a relationship, and after five years of being a couple, we got married. We knew each other well and saw each other as best friends (or I thought so). In the span of a couple of months after our wedding, he did a 180. I knew him as a supportive, loving partner, but that changed, and he became lazy, passive, entitled, and verbally aggressive. I think marriage made him feel so confident that I wouldn't leave that he started showing his true colors. In hindsight, the red flags I ignored were jokes at my expense, weaponized incompetence, and subtle attempts to control me. Those things only happened a couple of times a year, but after our wedding, they became a daily/weekly thing."
"Also, a lot of people around him often joked that he didn't deserve me and that I was too kind. Because it didn't happen often, I ignored those red flags, but honestly, ANY disrespect like that should've made me question the relationship. I asked for a divorce after three years of marriage, and two weeks later, I was diagnosed with cancer. He made life a living hell during that period. Spread rumors about me, made jokes about my illness, tried to have me legally kicked out of our home while I was sick, etc. Needless to say, getting a divorce was the best choice I ever made. I recovered well and have never been happier!
#19
I saw a friend‘s husband do this, and it was the craziest thing ever. It really showed me that people can hide who they truly are for years before finally showing you their real self.
My husband was roommates with him when he was younger, I even lived with him for a little bit, everyone in our friend group thought he was a nice dude, he really had all of us fooled.
Even to this day, he was not a bad friend to us. He was just so horrible to his wife that we could not justify being friends with somebody like that.
Then he was confused why pretty much everybody stopped talking to him.
Like I don’t know. Maybe it’s being a cheater and toxic POS that makes people not like you.
#20
There were plenty of hindsight-visible red flags for other reasons, but none related specifically to the 180.
We went into the wedding as equal partners and yet after the wedding during the marriage his expectation was for me to functionally do everything for him and essentially be his mother. He expected to go to work and get paid. He expected me to also go to work and get paid + handle the entire household, all bills, all cooking, all cleaning, all planning, everything - even maintain his family relationships for him. Every responsibility he could shirk, shirked it would be, and I'd be the one screamed at and held accountable if it didn't go his way. I don't miss those times at all.
There were lots of clues for why we probably wouldn't last, but there were no clues for the switch from wanting to have and be an equal partner to expecting someone to care for and cater to you constantly. His own family didn't even work that way, so I don't know why he thought that would fly with me.
The relief and freedom when we decided to divorce was amazing.
#21
He was delightfully open minded and cool when we were dating and then about a year after we got married, he started listening to Rush Limbaugh. He came from a conservative Baptist family, so agreeing with Rush was about a half step from his upbringing. I should have thought about the uber religious parents. Today’s our 32nd anniversary. I’ll never be able to get away from this relationship because I can’t earn enough $ to live, and it’s miserable. I say, in general, run fast, run far from any man, especially one from the South!
Robyn Hill 4 hours ago
Honey, divorce his worthless a*s and take him for everything, especially alimony. That will help a lot with your finances. The rest can be sorted later.
#22
Mine went from a governmental expert employee to what is essentially a self-employed shaman within a few years of our divorce. I honestly often think about how I missed any signs of this, but even in hindsight I can't find them.
Laserleader 3 hours ago (edited)
I call them a "garage gaming guru" becaue it have seen several marriages where the father spends all his time doing nothing, while the overworked, overducated, mutiple family mother claims its okay because he provides "emotional and spiritual support".
#23
He lied about small things to other people (he ran a marathon, etc). Then he started lying to me about big things. Liars and always liars.
veirdbuttrue 4 hours ago
If they lie about small things they will lie about big things too, this is something to beware of. And it's not just men.
#25
I told him I wanted to get my engagement ring at the antique store. It wasn't about a certain price point. It was just more about finding something old and unique that would fit with my personal style.
Unfortunately when we went to my local antique store, there was nothing that we really liked. I kept telling him we don't have to get it right away and he insisted. He called four different stores. We drove around for 20 minutes to find a place that was open because it was getting late at night.
Ended up getting a ring from helzberg diamonds. I didn't entirely hate it but it wasn't exactly what I wanted either. Also, after the proposal a few days later and I woke up to an email. He had booked our wedding trip to Vegas without talking to me first.
At the time I took his actions as him being very excited to marry me and excited he was the type of man who gets stuff done. Which was something I was desperately craving considering my previous boyfriend was not exactly a driven go-getter type of guy.
Looking back, however, I realize that it was kind of all about him... He didn't want to propose without a ring. He wanted to book the trip right away.
Our marriage only lasted 2 months.
#26
He wouldn't share his credit card debt amount with me. He told me that he was worried I wouldn't marry him if I knew and if I loved him, I would wait. I was 26 and naive. He was $50k in debt and I worked three jobs to help him pay it off. He only worked one job, and then played golf on weekends. We ended up divorcing about 5 years after we got married. I don't regret the experience though because it taught me how to work hard and save money and all sorts of other wonderful things that have served me well over the last 3 decades.
#27
My best friend is about to go through a divorce.
He stopped caring after they got married. All the big dreams and goals they had before the wedding suddenly didn't see important to him anymore. He became comfortable in just being where he was and he stonewalled his wife everytime she tried to talk to him about it. He just became so emotionally unavailable.
She lost her dad from alzheimers a few years after they got married and she said there was a point where she came back to the car her husband was sat in (due to covid, he wasn't allowed in) - her dad looked like skin and bone and she knew she only had days left with him. She was sat in the passenger seat absolutely sobbing and he just sat there and looked at her. No comfort, no attempts to soothe her. Just sat there and looked.
She realised then that he was never going to be the man she could spend her life with and raise children with. She checked out not long after and they had to spend a couple of years living in the same house together but not as a couple.
He started rifling through her dirty washing checking for stains, would walk into the bathroom while she was in the shower after she got home, went through her bag, just went from being not interested at all to being obsessive.
#28
In hindsight, it was subtle control stuff, dismissing my feelings, little 'jokes' at my expense, and effort slowly dropping once they felt secure. Nothing dramatic at first, just a quiet shift from partner to entitlement that I ignored way too long
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What do you think ?
veirdbuttrue 4 hours ago
All of these are horrifying and I'm not sure why people even get married anymore.
Earonn - 1 hour ago
At least everyone - both partners - should keep a door open as a way out, just in case. But then, so many of us trusted our partners and were right to do so, even if the relationship ended later. It's hard to imagine beforehand that it could be you, that your loving partner could just be a liar.
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veirdbuttrue 4 hours ago
All of these are horrifying and I'm not sure why people even get married anymore.
Earonn - 1 hour ago
At least everyone - both partners - should keep a door open as a way out, just in case. But then, so many of us trusted our partners and were right to do so, even if the relationship ended later. It's hard to imagine beforehand that it could be you, that your loving partner could just be a liar.
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