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Woman Left In Tears To Stay At Hotel After Daughter-In-Law Refused To Let Her Sleep In Master Bedroom, Upset Husband Ends Up Leaving As Well
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Woman Left In Tears To Stay At Hotel After Daughter-In-Law Refused To Let Her Sleep In Master Bedroom, Upset Husband Ends Up Leaving As Well

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In-law relationships can be difficult to navigate. And sadly, Reddit user Xoxo76757, who for the sake of this article let’s just call Xoxo, found herself in a stalemate where neither person would admit they’ve crossed the line.

It all started when Xoxo’s mother-in-law came for a surprise visit. While the woman and her husband accepted the lady into their home, she decided to spend the night there and demanded the couple let her into their bedroom.

In some cases, that might have been okay. However, Xoxo wasn’t comfortable with having her mother-in-law in her bed. Besides, there was a completely functional guest room. But the MIL doubled down and wouldn’t take no for an answer.

One lady popped up for a surprise visit at her son and his wife’s place

Image credits: Castorly Stock (not an actual photo)

And the seemingly normal evening took a turn for the worse when she demanded their bedroom for the night

Image credits: Ashwin Vaswani (not an actual photo)

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Image credits: Liza Summer (not an actual photo)

This situation represents a wider problem. Women actually struggle with each other more than men when it comes to in-law relationships.

“I think that men, in general, have left a lot of or some of the emotional work in families to women,” Geoffrey Greif, co-author of In-law Relationships: Mothers, Daughters, Fathers, and Sons,” told TODAY.

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The book, which included survey and interview responses from more than 1,500 people, found that about 15% of MILs and DILs had a very troubled relationship. More than half felt good about their bond, and the rest were neutral.

Interestingly, mothers-in-law rated their relationship with their daughter-in-law much sunnier than vice versa:

  • 33% strongly agreed the two were close, compared to 18% for the younger women;
  • 42% strongly agreed they admired their daughter-in-law, but only 23% of the younger women felt the same way about their husband’s mother;
  • 37% strongly agreed they enjoyed spending time together, compared to 22% for the younger women;
  • 50% strongly agreed they trusted their daughter-in-law, but only 23% of the younger women felt the same way about their mother-in-law.

“A lot of it is wishful thinking on the part of the mother-in-law,” Greif, a professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work, said.

However, he thinks it’s a helpful approach.”You go into this relationship assuming the best and not assuming the worst — that’s a form of wishful thinking … I think that’s a really good and positive thing. Mothers-in-law really want to make this work.”

Plus, there may be more at stake for the older woman: most MILs and DILs described their relationship as equal in power, but when it wasn’t, both agreed the daughter-in-law held more power as the gatekeeper of the grandchild and someone who could limit or block access to her husband, Greif pointed out.

People think the lady is to blame here

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Taking a look at this dynamic from a daughter-in-law’s perspective, we can see that her main concern is the interference in the marriage and child-rearing from the mother-in-law. “I felt like she was trying to take over,” one woman told the authors about her husband’s mother. A sentiment that’s also true for this story.

52% of daughters-in-law strongly disagreed or disagreed that they had the same parenting philosophy as their mothers-in-law.

When there are concerns, the goal is to figure out a way to stay connected with the MIL, while maintaining a boundary around the couple’s relationship, Greif said. But he recommended reframing the perceived interference as love, concern, and a wish to be engaged.

The man who connects the two women — the husband and the son — can help in presenting a united front as a couple.

“There’s essentially an emotional maturity that most daughters-in-law realize — ‘I’m going to try and make this work for the betterment of my family,'” he noted.

“Our research shows that when the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law are able to talk about things directly, those are signs that the relationship is a better relationship.”

The authors advised looking for common interests as a way to strengthen the connection. One strategy was to take the long view rather than letting a momentary hiccup derail the relationship.

Some in the comment section under Xoxo’s post said she should even divorce her husband, but Greif is certain that there’s hope even if the MIL and DIL don’t click right away.

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“Chill, don’t force it,” Greif said. “Understand there are multiple dynamics in a family and that things can change.”

The mother-in-law, on the other hand, is often unsure about where she stands with her daughter-in-law and doesn’t want to do anything to upset a delicate balance. “It’s always very pleasant, but it’s always on her terms every time we get together,” one woman told the researchers about her daughter-in-law.

1 in 6 mothers-in-law said they walked on eggshells around their DILs just because they wanted access to their sons and grandchildren. A quarter felt left out by their son and daughter-in-law, and one-fifth felt their relationship with their son was hindered by his wife.

They were also self-conscious about “becoming” the Monster-in-law and tried to avoid giving advice to the couple, even when asked.

“There’s the expression, ‘You can’t unring the bell’… In general, people often regret the negative things they say,” Greif said.

“My read is that usually the daughter-in-law long knows [of their differing views.] She would not be surprised to know that the mother-in-law is not on the same page,” Greif said.

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Mothers-in-law knew their DIL would remember any criticism about their marriage or parenting skills, so they characterized their approach as, “I’m really, really trying hard to keep my mouth shut and bite my tongue.”

Greif thinks it’s also a good approach as the couple needs to work on their relationship first, so the mother-in-law should take the position of trying to be supportive and available if needed.

However, in tricky scenarios, Greif believes the mother-in-law should give the daughter-in-law some space. Which is probably what Xoxo’s MIL should have done that night too.

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Rokas Laurinavičius

Rokas Laurinavičius

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Rokas is a writer at Bored Panda with a BA in Communication. After working for a sculptor, he fell in love with visual storytelling and enjoys covering everything from TV shows (any Sopranos fans out there?) to photography. Throughout his years in Bored Panda, over 235 million people have read the posts he's written, which is probably more than he could count to.

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Rokas Laurinavičius

Rokas Laurinavičius

Writer, BoredPanda staff

Rokas is a writer at Bored Panda with a BA in Communication. After working for a sculptor, he fell in love with visual storytelling and enjoys covering everything from TV shows (any Sopranos fans out there?) to photography. Throughout his years in Bored Panda, over 235 million people have read the posts he's written, which is probably more than he could count to.

Kotryna Br

Kotryna Br

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Kotryna is a Photo Editor at Bored Panda with a BA in Graphic Design. Before Bored Panda, she worked as a freelance graphic designer and illiustrator. When not editing, she enjoys working with clay, drawing, playing board games and drinking good tea.

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Kotryna Br

Kotryna Br

Author, BoredPanda staff

Kotryna is a Photo Editor at Bored Panda with a BA in Graphic Design. Before Bored Panda, she worked as a freelance graphic designer and illiustrator. When not editing, she enjoys working with clay, drawing, playing board games and drinking good tea.

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tgsbbh avatar
ToGo
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's bad enough that, as a guest (uninvited!), you would argue about where you're sleeping but why on earth would you insist on sleeping in your son's marital bed when there is a guest room? Why would the husband think it's okay to force his wife out of HER bed? Poor OP (if this is one of the true reddit stories), she's got a lot of trouble ahead if she stays with this guy.

rosemariefritzell avatar
Rosemarie Fritzell
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"He reminded me it's OUR BEDROOM, not just mine" Exactly, so she should get a say as to who sleeps in it.

alisa-fender avatar
Honu
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yep. To me "our" means that either one should get veto power on anyone going in there.

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bp_10 avatar
WilvanderHeijden
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I really don't get those husbands who won't stand up for their spouses. They are probably all working as spineless managers who'll kiss up every Karen they have to deal with.

juniperbushes avatar
Gin
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Completely agree. When I married my husband I said to him that I hoped he would put me first over and above his family and I would do the same with mine (if a choice was necessary). I don't mean blanket agreement with me over everything, I mean if I'm wrong about something take me to one side and talk to me in private and I'll listen. This kind of thing though, seriously worrying. People who still think that parents can rule them when they are adults with their own home. No. You've done your parenting job and now we are all adults and equal. People won't like this but, to me, you don't get respect JUST because you're my parent. You get respect if you've done your best, even if to some that might not be that great. At least they've tried. Some parents skate by and some treat their children terribly and STILL want respect. Nope.

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tgsbbh avatar
ToGo
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's bad enough that, as a guest (uninvited!), you would argue about where you're sleeping but why on earth would you insist on sleeping in your son's marital bed when there is a guest room? Why would the husband think it's okay to force his wife out of HER bed? Poor OP (if this is one of the true reddit stories), she's got a lot of trouble ahead if she stays with this guy.

rosemariefritzell avatar
Rosemarie Fritzell
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"He reminded me it's OUR BEDROOM, not just mine" Exactly, so she should get a say as to who sleeps in it.

alisa-fender avatar
Honu
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yep. To me "our" means that either one should get veto power on anyone going in there.

Load More Replies...
bp_10 avatar
WilvanderHeijden
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I really don't get those husbands who won't stand up for their spouses. They are probably all working as spineless managers who'll kiss up every Karen they have to deal with.

juniperbushes avatar
Gin
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Completely agree. When I married my husband I said to him that I hoped he would put me first over and above his family and I would do the same with mine (if a choice was necessary). I don't mean blanket agreement with me over everything, I mean if I'm wrong about something take me to one side and talk to me in private and I'll listen. This kind of thing though, seriously worrying. People who still think that parents can rule them when they are adults with their own home. No. You've done your parenting job and now we are all adults and equal. People won't like this but, to me, you don't get respect JUST because you're my parent. You get respect if you've done your best, even if to some that might not be that great. At least they've tried. Some parents skate by and some treat their children terribly and STILL want respect. Nope.

Load More Replies...
Load More Comments
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