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55
“She Said She Didn’t Understand Why”: Woman Mad She Doesn’t Get To Go To Stepson’s Graduation
Our character is defined not by one, but rather the sum of our choices. When Reddit user Kindly_Zebra3960‘s son had to decide who to invite to his high school graduation—with only three tickets to give—the father knew there was no easy answer, and advised the teenager to follow his heart and pick those he truly wanted by his side.
Buy ultimately, that meant snubbing his stepmother in favor of his biological mom, and the lady had a big problem with that. She even started suspecting that her husband planted this idea into the kid’s head because he had ulterior motives.
RELATED:
Graduating from high school is a big milestone for the entire family
Image credits: Some Tale / unsplash (not the actual photo)
But instead of coming together for their teen, these folks got caught in a fight over who would get to attend
Image credits: Geert Willemarck / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Getty Images / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Cedar Wheeler / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Kindly_Zebra3960
Families can’t allow these situations to get the best of them
Image credits: Getty Images / unsplash (not the actual photo)
In a study conducted by Pew Research Center, 44% of thirteen-to-seventeen-year-olds and 69% of their parents said it’s harder to be a teen today than it was 20 years ago.
But their old folks might not have it easy, either. And according to Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., who is a cultural critic and author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do, it’s often harder to raise stepchildren than your own flesh and blood.
“A stepmom doesn’t have the benefit of this stored-up love, energy, and history to help smooth the process and pave the way through adolescence,” Martin writes.
As angry and surly as these teenagers can be, she has observed them to be very loyal to their biological parents, “because they’re dealing with the adolescent question of, ‘Who am I and where do I fit in?’ They know who their biological parents are, and we stepmoms aren’t it. Stepmoms should get out of their way to allow the stepchildren to embrace Mom, if possible. This lays the groundwork for adolescents being able to grow up and move on.”
While the situation undoubtedly can stir up a lot of negative emotions, Martin advises women to support their stepteens through thick and thin:
- Don’t over-control them. In her opinion, they will resist even more. Instead, it’s probably best to get out of their way and allow them to move from childhood to adulthood, which, admittedly, can be a very long, up-and-down process. “Be on hand to listen when they want to talk. Find creative ways to connect and share with them,” Martin suggests.
- Be a positive role model. Remember that they are taking notes and have antennae you can’t imagine. Reach out, hang out, and teach them what you know.
- Show them a healthy stepcouple relationship. “There will be arguments about your child vs. his child—your style of parenting vs. his, money issues, etc. Learn to talk out your differences and develop a strong, loving partnership,” Martin says.
People who read what happened believed everyone could’ve channeled a little more empathy
But some were ready to acquit the father
While a few said that he, in fact, was the problem
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What do you think ?
Day Andie 6 months ago
One thing that no one here commented on is that the stepmother's comment wasn't worded to express that she was disappointed or hurt because she couldn't attend the stepson's graduation, but that she was all bent thinking that hubs wants to see the ex. So either incredibly insecure about her marriage or has main-character syndrome, but either way she is mainly concerned with herself and not thinking about her stepson.
FreeTheUnicorn 6 months ago
Very telling that the son framed it as , if it would be easier, step mom can go. Clearly this is a pattern, and he knew she'd bring drama. She's clearly not concerned about her relationship with her step son or with actually celebrating graduation, she just wants to win against the ex. Glad he's close to getting away from her, she's exhausting.
Jack Sonol 6 months ago
I didn't quite catch that on my read, but OP choosing not to deal with the situation is pretty indicative as well. He knew there'd be drama and he was trying to avoid it. Likely because he has to deal with her drama all the time and it's EXHAUSTING.
Load More Replies...
Mike F 6 months ago
As usual, the YTAs are crazy. Could it have been handled better? Probably, but for the life of me, I can't imagine why the OP's wife would get bent out of shape over this scenario. Graduations are tedious at best, but the real enjoyment (for everyone) is the dinner later, at least in my opinion.
Papa 6 months ago
She's bent out of shape because she's jealous and insecure, like Day Andie said.
Load More Replies...
Funhog 6 months ago
NTA. It's an unfortunate situation that there aren't enough tickets to invite everyone; someone is bound to feel left out. OP handled it fine because Son is nearly an adult and it is Son's responsibility to let people know who he invited. ¶When raising stepchildren, it's part of the role of stepparent to have the responsibilities of parent, but also to not have all of the privileges. ¶Three years is not a long marriage; even if Stepmom had been part of the family for a lot longer, she should never have even suggested that Son choose her over his own Mother.
The Starsong Princess 6 months ago (edited)
I know someone who didn’t go to her stepson’s graduation, not because she didn’t have a ticket but because she had a restraining order against his mother so his mother couldn’t be there if she was. Flash forward 15 years, the stepson is getting married and the mother isn’t at the wedding because he hasn’t spoken to her in years and he’s got a restraining order against her too. But at the wedding, he thanked his stepmother, referring to her as his true mother. It’s a long game.
karen Young 6 months ago
Parents unless the child absolutely does not want them invited. Step mother can stream and celebrate later. It is good to show kid that both parents can be there for them.
Dog Mom to Zoe 6 months ago
Not sure about where they live, but many graduations are now being 'televised' on YOUTUBE. I couldn't go to my great niece's graduation just a few weeks ago due to financial reasons as well as dog care. I was able to watch it live on YOUTUBE. This was a college graduation and not high school but this might be a possibility.
Tyranamar 6 months ago
Graduations are boring. No one wants to You Tube them. They're painful enough in person. Now going to a graduation- that shows support. Although I guess surviving a boring YouTube episode is supportive too. But it's not the same experience. Virtual reality and actually being there are not the same.
Load More Replies... Mark Childers 6 months ago
I skip every ceremony and meeting I can. Graduations have to be the worst. I went to one of my graduations (high school) and skipped the rest (B.S., MBA, Ph.D). The 30 second walk across the stage wasn't worth sitting through the rest of it. My diplomas are what matter.
Beth Wheeler 6 months ago
It's always gonna be Mama or Daddy over stepparents unless there's been bad problems or they've died. She seems to think that she's more important than his Mama and got herself b******t over it. If I had stepkids I would want to go but wouldn't get mad because the kids only get a very few tickets. I would be disappointed but kids parents need to be there and any brothers or sisters that want to go. When I graduated in 79 it was on the football field with bleachers on 1 side so we could only get 2 tickets. I only needed 1 and gave the other to my best friend. Now all of the Orange County schools and maybe Durham County does it at the Dean Dome in Chapel Hill & you don't need tickets.
Weekender1! 6 months ago (edited)
Husband did nothing wrong. The current wife is being selfish and insecure. It's not about her. It's about the son and his mother. She is not the mother and there are not enough tickets. Even if OP discussed this before the son told her, it would not have made a difference to the new wife because she's manipulative.
GR8BBGG 6 months ago
The mom was n the son’s life, she did not live close so he did not get to see her often but they talked a few times a week and spent time at her home when he could. Both parents should be the ones there. The graduate and his brother grew up together in a single parent home. The stepmom first met the young men a mere 5 years ago, and married the dad 3 years ago. She has not been a big part of their lives. Her issue is she does not want the dad around his ex. It is not about the graduation but about control. What will it be if she gets her way, college graduation, weddings, grandkids. Total red flag for the dad.
Day Andie 6 months ago
One thing that no one here commented on is that the stepmother's comment wasn't worded to express that she was disappointed or hurt because she couldn't attend the stepson's graduation, but that she was all bent thinking that hubs wants to see the ex. So either incredibly insecure about her marriage or has main-character syndrome, but either way she is mainly concerned with herself and not thinking about her stepson.
FreeTheUnicorn 6 months ago
Very telling that the son framed it as , if it would be easier, step mom can go. Clearly this is a pattern, and he knew she'd bring drama. She's clearly not concerned about her relationship with her step son or with actually celebrating graduation, she just wants to win against the ex. Glad he's close to getting away from her, she's exhausting.
Jack Sonol 6 months ago
I didn't quite catch that on my read, but OP choosing not to deal with the situation is pretty indicative as well. He knew there'd be drama and he was trying to avoid it. Likely because he has to deal with her drama all the time and it's EXHAUSTING.
Load More Replies... Mike F 6 months ago
As usual, the YTAs are crazy. Could it have been handled better? Probably, but for the life of me, I can't imagine why the OP's wife would get bent out of shape over this scenario. Graduations are tedious at best, but the real enjoyment (for everyone) is the dinner later, at least in my opinion.
Papa 6 months ago
She's bent out of shape because she's jealous and insecure, like Day Andie said.
Load More Replies... Funhog 6 months ago
NTA. It's an unfortunate situation that there aren't enough tickets to invite everyone; someone is bound to feel left out. OP handled it fine because Son is nearly an adult and it is Son's responsibility to let people know who he invited. ¶When raising stepchildren, it's part of the role of stepparent to have the responsibilities of parent, but also to not have all of the privileges. ¶Three years is not a long marriage; even if Stepmom had been part of the family for a lot longer, she should never have even suggested that Son choose her over his own Mother.
The Starsong Princess 6 months ago (edited)
I know someone who didn’t go to her stepson’s graduation, not because she didn’t have a ticket but because she had a restraining order against his mother so his mother couldn’t be there if she was. Flash forward 15 years, the stepson is getting married and the mother isn’t at the wedding because he hasn’t spoken to her in years and he’s got a restraining order against her too. But at the wedding, he thanked his stepmother, referring to her as his true mother. It’s a long game.
karen Young 6 months ago
Parents unless the child absolutely does not want them invited. Step mother can stream and celebrate later. It is good to show kid that both parents can be there for them.
Dog Mom to Zoe 6 months ago
Not sure about where they live, but many graduations are now being 'televised' on YOUTUBE. I couldn't go to my great niece's graduation just a few weeks ago due to financial reasons as well as dog care. I was able to watch it live on YOUTUBE. This was a college graduation and not high school but this might be a possibility.
Tyranamar 6 months ago
Graduations are boring. No one wants to You Tube them. They're painful enough in person. Now going to a graduation- that shows support. Although I guess surviving a boring YouTube episode is supportive too. But it's not the same experience. Virtual reality and actually being there are not the same.
Load More Replies... Mark Childers 6 months ago
I skip every ceremony and meeting I can. Graduations have to be the worst. I went to one of my graduations (high school) and skipped the rest (B.S., MBA, Ph.D). The 30 second walk across the stage wasn't worth sitting through the rest of it. My diplomas are what matter.
Beth Wheeler 6 months ago
It's always gonna be Mama or Daddy over stepparents unless there's been bad problems or they've died. She seems to think that she's more important than his Mama and got herself b******t over it. If I had stepkids I would want to go but wouldn't get mad because the kids only get a very few tickets. I would be disappointed but kids parents need to be there and any brothers or sisters that want to go. When I graduated in 79 it was on the football field with bleachers on 1 side so we could only get 2 tickets. I only needed 1 and gave the other to my best friend. Now all of the Orange County schools and maybe Durham County does it at the Dean Dome in Chapel Hill & you don't need tickets.
Weekender1! 6 months ago (edited)
Husband did nothing wrong. The current wife is being selfish and insecure. It's not about her. It's about the son and his mother. She is not the mother and there are not enough tickets. Even if OP discussed this before the son told her, it would not have made a difference to the new wife because she's manipulative.
GR8BBGG 6 months ago
The mom was n the son’s life, she did not live close so he did not get to see her often but they talked a few times a week and spent time at her home when he could. Both parents should be the ones there. The graduate and his brother grew up together in a single parent home. The stepmom first met the young men a mere 5 years ago, and married the dad 3 years ago. She has not been a big part of their lives. Her issue is she does not want the dad around his ex. It is not about the graduation but about control. What will it be if she gets her way, college graduation, weddings, grandkids. Total red flag for the dad.
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