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Mom Thinks She Can Just Save Child Support Money, Gets A Reality Check After Ex Finds Out
Interview With ExpertParenting comes with plenty of unique challenges, but it can become even more difficult when you suddenly find yourself raising children with your ex. Custody arrangements can be a sensitive topic, and moms and dads can’t always agree on what exactly is best for their kids.
But one thing that all children definitely need is clean, comfortable clothing. So after noticing the sorry state that his kids’ clothes were in, one dad decided that it was time to involve child protective services. But he later reached out to Reddit to determine whether or not that was the best move. Below, you’ll find the full story, as well as conversations with Richard Wexler, Executive Director at the National Coalition for Child Protection Reform, and Marie Cohen, MPA, MSW, of Child Welfare Monitor.
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This father pays thousands in child support each month to ensure that his kids are taken care of
Image credits: sarah b (not the actual photo)
So when he noticed the terrible state of his children’s clothes, he immediately became concerned
Image credits: Marc Pell (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
Image source: LifeDeparture2569
It’s often better to reach out to the parent first, before contacting CPS
Image credits: Polina Kuzovkova (not the actual photo)
To find out more about when a situation justifies contacting child protective services, we got in touch with Richard Wexler, Executive Director at the National Coalition for Child Protection Reform.
“Calling CPS is justified when you have reasonable cause to believe that a child is being beaten, or tortured, or starved, or locked in a closet, or s*xually ab*sed, or where a parent is running a home m*th lab in the basement, or overdosed on fentanyl – in other words, it is justified in the horrible situations that spring to mind when we hear the words ‘child ab*se,'” he told Bored Panda.
“It is not justified because children’s clothes are ‘tattered’ or because they’re homeless, or living in bad housing, or because a single parent left them home alone because she couldn’t afford child care and was afraid or losing her job, or so many other situations where there is a real problem but where the ‘cure’ of CPS intervention is worse than the problem itself,” Richard continued. “In those situations, callers should reach out directly to the family and offer help or, if they can’t, they should contact other helping agencies.”
“Here’s why: A child ab*se investigation is not a benign act,” he explained. “Even when CPS workers mean well, and usually they do, they will be interrogating children about the most intimate aspects of their lives, sometimes calling them out of school, sometimes pounding on the front door in the middle of the night demanding entry. No matter what the actual allegation, the investigation often will involve strip-searching the children looking for bruises. There are children who have endured this who remain so traumatized that, years later, they dive under beds or hide in closets whenever they hear a loud knock at the door.”
“In the United States, thanks to reporting anything and everything, we have created a child welfare surveillance state so massive that one-third of all children and more than half of Black children will be forced to endure this trauma before they turn 18,” Richard says. “Overwhelmingly these turn out to be false reports, trivial cases, or cases in which family poverty is confused with ‘neglect.’”
That’s best case scenario, he noted. “Worst case, a worker may be so upset by a family’s poverty – or even simply children’s tattered clothes – that they carry the children off into the night and consign them to the chaos of foster care,” the expert shared. “Though the workers mean well, it is every bit as traumatic for these children as it was for those torn from their parents at the Mexican border during the first Trump Administration.”
“If the issue is tattered clothing or the like; better to talk it out with the ex”
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
Richard also pointed out that life in foster care can be much more dangerous and traumatic for a child than being at home with their parents. Studies have even found ab*se in one quarter to one-third of foster homes.
“But even that isn’t the worst of it,” he told Bored Panda. “We all know that CPS agencies are overwhelmed. All the time spent on cases involving tattered clothing and other issues that should not be the province of a police agency – and make no mistake, CPS is a police agency – is, in effect, stolen from finding the relatively few children in real danger. Deluging child ab*se hotlines with these kinds of reports makes all children less safe.”
We also got in touch with child advocate, researcher, and policy analyst Marie Cohen, MPA, MSW, to hear her thoughts on this topic.
She says that one should have a reasonable reason to suspect ab*se or neglect before contacting CPS. “In general, neglect means the failure to provide proper food, shelter, clothing, supervision, education and medical care,” Marie shared. “But as to clothing, it would have to be pretty bad– i.e. not adequate for the weather, dirty or full of holes– for me to make a CPS report. I’m not sure what ‘old and tattered’ meant to the writer. And I’m also skeptical because he sees them every week, and suddenly one week all these ‘old and tattered’ clothes appear?”
So is it ever a good idea to call CPS on your ex? “It depends on the issue,” Richard says. “If you genuinely believe that your ex is beating, torturing or s*xually ab*sing your children, call CPS. As I think the Reddit poster himself realized, to his credit, if the issue is tattered clothing or the like; better to talk it out with the ex.”
Marie noted that it might be appropriate if the children are clearly being ab*sed or neglected, and there is truly no other way to address it. “Like the mother refuses to take your call, and there is nobody who could serve as an intermediary,” she explained. “But CPS should be the last resort. It’s certainly a terrible idea to contact CPS because you want to avoid talking to your ex– unless you think this would result in harm to the kids.”
“Making a frivolous report is selfish and cruel”
And how exactly would CPS intervene with the family in this situation? “What I would hope they would do is – nothing,” Richard says. “I would hope that the child ab*se hotline that took the call would screen it out. Unfortunately, what I would expect them to do is the investigation I described above, which risked traumatizing the children and took time away from finding children in real danger.”
“The hotline worker might screen out the call entirely, and CPS would do nothing,” Marie added. “If they accepted the call, there would be an investigation or sometimes something ‘softer’ called an ‘assessment,’ which does not result in a finding of neglect or ab*se.”
“In an investigation or assessment, the social worker would take a look at the kids and talk to Mom. In an investigation, the worker would decide if there was neglect,” Marie continued. “Chances are the answer would be no, given her explanation. Whether they decide yes or no, they’d probably just give Mom a gift card or direct her to a local clothing closet or thrift shop. I doubt there would be any type of case opened unless they found that other things are going on in the home. In an assessment, they’d just offer her the gift card or clothes closet referral.”
Richard also added that, before contacting CPS, it’s important to be aware of the pervasive racial bias in CPS agencies. “Study after study finds that children are more likely to be investigated and more likely to be torn from everyone they know and love if they are Black or Native American – even when all other circumstances are the same,” he noted.
Finally, Marie pointed out that she’s suspicious of the father in this story’s motivation. “Seems like he wanted to cause trouble. And he wasted government resources,” she shared. “CPS workers around the country are overwhelmed. They are missing red flags and children are dying of ab*se or neglect. Moreover, his kids may have been traumatized if they were investigated. Making a frivolous report is selfish and cruel.”
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. Then, you can find another Bored Panda article discussing similar family drama right here.
Later, the dad responded to several readers and provided more background information
Many readers took the father’s side, noting that they would be extremely concerned too
However, some thought that both parents could have made better choices
And others thought the father crossed a line by involving CPS
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What do you think ?
StumblingThroughLife 4 months ago (edited)
He explained that it wasn't a child protection service: a there-from-the-beginning mediator (which confirms his lack of direct response with his ex) -after Reddit peeps jumped on him. Still got YTA/ESH after). I had a friend's (divorced) brother, that every couple of weeks (not every week), the ex would hand over his kids wearing shabby clothes. He ended up taking them out to buy new ones - that he would never see the kids wearing them again. He'd eventually had words with the ex, and she'd threatened to stop him from seeing them if he didn't shut up, saying it was his responsibility to buy new clothes when he had the kids - ignoring that he already paid a healthy amount of CS. so I can understand why this man reached out to a mediator. Women like this spoil it for the rest of us (IMO).
Bookworm 4 months ago
OP really buried the lede when he neglected to add that they were ordered to use the intermediary entity if there were problems and to NOT contact the other parent directly. Also when he used the term CPS instead of intermediary. And he has the unhinged responses to show it.
K Barnes 4 months ago
More reasons this whole post doesn't add up and seem true. I highly doubt this one.
Load More Replies... StumblingThroughLife 4 months ago (edited)
He explained that it wasn't a child protection service: a there-from-the-beginning mediator (which confirms his lack of direct response with his ex) -after Reddit peeps jumped on him. Still got YTA/ESH after). I had a friend's (divorced) brother, that every couple of weeks (not every week), the ex would hand over his kids wearing shabby clothes. He ended up taking them out to buy new ones - that he would never see the kids wearing them again. He'd eventually had words with the ex, and she'd threatened to stop him from seeing them if he didn't shut up, saying it was his responsibility to buy new clothes when he had the kids - ignoring that he already paid a healthy amount of CS. so I can understand why this man reached out to a mediator. Women like this spoil it for the rest of us (IMO).
Bookworm 4 months ago
OP really buried the lede when he neglected to add that they were ordered to use the intermediary entity if there were problems and to NOT contact the other parent directly. Also when he used the term CPS instead of intermediary. And he has the unhinged responses to show it.
K Barnes 4 months ago
More reasons this whole post doesn't add up and seem true. I highly doubt this one.
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