Woman Asks Folks Online If She’s A Jerk For Taking The Cake She Baked For Her Fiance And Leaving His B-Day Party After His Mom Stole Her Thunder
It’s weird to think that birthdays are a celebration focused on the fact that you’re getting older. For those avoiding the term “old”, you’re level-upping or whatever.
So, to offset the disappointment of growing gradually more ache-y and frail, we distract ourselves with birthday presents and cake!
But, even that can sometimes turn into a disappointment depending on the people you surround yourself with.
One Redditor explains just how disappointing cake can be. But not because the cake was at fault here. Nope, it was all the mother-in-law and her fiance who rejected her surprise cake. OP was having none of it, though.
More Info: Reddit
You can’t have a birthday party without gifts and without cake, right? But then someone has to go and ruin the fun by adding some disrespect to it
Image source: apium (not the actual photo)
So, Reddit user u/EmilyPaterson099 visited the Am I The A-Hole community with a conflict she recently had.
The story goes that she, the 25-year-old fiance of 31-year-old “Ben”, doesn’t get along all that much with her mother-in-law, Ben’s mom. She does make the effort to be polite, but her high standards and expectations are doing her head in. You see, she’s a mother of 3 sons, so of course, she has high expectations for the women they date.
A woman recently turned to Reddit to ask if she was wrong to turn around and leave a birthday party—with her baked cake—after she got some mad disrespect
Image source: EmilyPaterson099
This manifests in the form of comments about her body—so much, in fact, that she had been suggested cosmetic surgeries and the like. Ben, however, told her she needs to grow a thicker skin. Because, of course, the mom won’t stop with the social commentary, but “she means well”.
So, Ben’s birthday is fast approaching, and OP is known for being a cake and sweets goddess. Ben likes it, but his family is suspiciously avoidant of her confectionery. Over time, she learned not to pry.
But, as we’ve already said, Ben’s birthday is approaching, so OP wanted to bake him a cake the way he likes. She went through a lot of effort doing it too—took a day off, went grocery shopping for this and whatnot. Needless to say, he was thrilled.
Image source: EmilyPaterson099
This time around, though, the mother-in-law was hosting the party. Not a problem, a cake isn’t a mountain. You can transport it. Well, that she does, only to find out upon arrival that the mother-in-law went ahead and got a cake from a bakery. Supposedly, a very expensive one, given its size and 3-character anonymous price tag.
OK, question: what about the cake she made? Brace yourself for the worst thing you can ever respond with. The mother-in-law responds, “Oh, you can place it on the counter over there and we’ll let the kids have it.”
OP’s heart sank. She looks at her fiance, who casually goes with the flow and nods in a “just do it” kind of way. But OP was having none of it. Cake in hand, she turns around and simply leaves.
Image source: Pete Jelliffe (not the actual photo)
The mother stays inside, but Ben follows her, asking where she is going. Home. He obviously didn’t need her cake, and by proxy, her, judging by how easily her efforts were brushed off. He claimed she was overreacting, urging her to just “go with the flow” and asking her to stay.
She left.
That didn’t stop him from seemingly enjoying himself because he didn’t come back home until 11 PM that night. And he came back with some commentary, saying she had behaved childishly, ruining his party and disrespecting his mother like that.
And so, this story found its way to the AITA community, who saw zero fault in OP and all the fault in the guy and his mom. For the most part, people sent pleas to not marry him. If that’s how he approaches the issue of cake, you can imagine how fast it’ll go south with other topics.
Folks online were having none of it, though, and they, for the most part, agreed that OP was not wrong
Some pointed out just how special her gift was because of all the effort she put into it, as opposed to MIL’s, which she threw cash at and that’s it. And this is what her fiance preferred?
There were some devil’s advocates, though. She could have coordinated with the mother-in-law about who’s gonna make the cake, right? Besides, she knew very well that her baking was unpopular in that house—she shouldn’t have felt surprised it went the way it did.
Most actually suggested she dump her fiance because this kind of attitude will not change
But, all in all, the flair on the post said that OP is not, in fact, the a-hole. And the post got over 20,000 bits of approval in the form of upvotes (and a handful of Reddit awards for good measure). You can see it all here.
Or you can check out any of these fine Am I The A-Hole articles we have: the one where the wife “ruined” her husband’s b-day by bolting mid-way, or the one where a guy almost became a dad but after finding out the truth had to distance himself, causing a feud in the family, or the one where a woman got kicked out of a resort by the family that bought her a vacation.
But, hey, we value your opinion. Why not voice it in the comment section below! Tell everyone about your birthday party fails. Or cake fails. Or maybe the best cake you ever had? We’ll be waiting.
!["Karen Complains To HR About My Body, I Uno-Reverse Her Complaint, [And Now] Everyone Hates Her"](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/coworker-complains-to-hr-about-womans-body-revenge-latest.jpg "\"Karen Complains To HR About My Body, I Uno-Reverse Her Complaint, [And Now] Everyone Hates Her\"")
F his mum, and him. You are the biggest a-hole if you continue this relationship. Dating children even if older than you should be illegal. A man who doesn't stand up to his immediate family to protect his partner is not mature enough to understand when you grow up mommy and daddy are important but your partner and child will take priority just after yourself. Then rest of family. Girl RUN! Love is not worth this drama
I'm in a simiar situation with my MIL with boundaries and such, but my husband has ALWAYS taken my side.
I have been very lucky, we both get along with our own mums, and we like each others mums, but before we even met we decided each to their own. It's now always nice to see them occasionally, and not feel pressured. My mil is great, she supports me, asks about me and has never intruded. Same as my mum. Our mums only call their children, not their partners. We have never gotten advice on our relationship or been judged. Husbands who stand by you are precious and must be protected. Same goes to parents who respect boundarie. We each book a holiday once a year just to spend time with mum, I go next week with my mum, he goes end of summer with his. Lots of love and mutual respect to your relationship. Sometimes all you need to relieve stress is to have someone to take your side and see you
💯💯💯
I'm with ESH. Mom and bf are the worst problems. OP picked the wrong time to take a stand. Usually the host is going to arrange for the birthday cake. If the host didn't ask you to bring a birthday cake, don't bring a birthday cake! OP did start the drama at the party and I get why he was upset. However, his family treats her poorly and he doesn't stick up for her, not a good person to tie yourself to
leaving when you're insulted is causing drama? the bf knew ahead of time that there would be a cake there, and also knew that his gf was making one ahead of time, this was intentional and designed to gaslight this poor woman into thinking she's overreacting so she doesn't cause a fuss when she's repeatedly treated like garbage.
Exactly. I don't get how some people didn't see that part. He knew about her making a cake. "I decided to bake him his birthday cake and he was thrilled about it." Since he knew, he should've told his mother, but OP already said that FMIL doesn't really like her, and that family knew she liked to bake. It'd be a little dumb of them to not realize that. The FMIL just wanted to spite OP.
That does bring up a good point, which is since b/f knew his fiance was baking a cake, why didn't he try to dissuade her from bringing it to the party? Even if that somehow got past him, he knew mommie dearest was going to be getting a cake and surely realized OP would be baking him one since she's a baker...so he could've prevented this whole thing by giving both of them a heads up. Kinda begs the question why he didn't.
Yes he helped set this situation up for disaster.
I don't think it is usually the task of the person the party is thrown for to take care of arrangement. However knowing the situation he should have taken measures before. Same goes with the OP, she could have at least asked him to clear things up before they show up with the cake. However, after all tjis happening he still could have insisted to put the cake of her next to the bought one. In my opinion all are to blame making such a drama.
Agree 100%
The OP told her bf that she was going to make a cake for the party. HE KNEW. He also knew that her and his mother don't get along, and their past history. He and his mother are both the AH.
This is what I'm wondering, the way it's worded is she was making him a birthday cake, she never says she made a cake for the party. It also sounds like they came separate, so he may have assumed her cake was separate from the party cake? He's pretty spineless so it's hard to tell, and the post is kinda vague about it too.
No, getting up and leaving, not drama. What I would have done would be "drama". I would have tossed her cake on the floor and shoved my cake into his face. But then, I would NEVER stay with a wimpy little boy who tolerated his mommy to insult me like that.
Yeah I totally would've smashed his face in cake.
Well… That’s a little extreme…
THATS what drama means. DRaMA Is extreme. What OP did barely counts as "drama", it just slightly counts as a "tiff".
Well... I get extreme when some pissy little boy let's his b***h mommy insult me. I had a guy who did that...once....when he did step up, I told him and his b***h mommy to go f**k themselves. NO ONE should ever put up with that. My husband told his mother, "you don't have to love her, but you do have to respect her. She's going to be the mother of your grandchildren some day." 34 years later, we are still together and his mom and I are friends.
Exactly!!! Sounds like she just arrived! Cake was in her hands. Sounds like FMIL just went at her as soon as she saw the cake. I hope OP DOES NOT marry this mommy's boy!!!
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Leaving was drama. Tossing the host’s paid-for cake on the floor and smashing cake in his face would be a classless white-trash reaction.
He knew that she was baking a cake. There was nothing stopping him from telling his mom to not bake or buy a cake. His fiancee did nothing wrong and would be smart to get out of this relationship.
She did mention it to her bf and he wanted the cake. He should have told his mother that he wanted his gf to make the cake, however I would not have caused a scene at the party, I would have waited until we caught home from party and had it out with him. I would also say reach out to the MIL and tell her how she makes you feel. If nothing comes from either conversation then move on. Life is to short to be made to feel wrong, small, inadequate everytime your around her.
It's clearly said he knew OP was going to bake a cake. And unless I'm mistaken he will have also known his mom got a cake. He should have told her that his mom planned already to buy a cake so she wouldn't have to spend time, money and stuff on baking. And from what I gather this has just been one of many events where they bullied and disrespected her. It's MIL who started the drama already way before this event. Not the OP. I would have walked out too. Why even spend the day around people who don't even appreciate your presence at all? No matter if she had swallowed her pride and stayed or left, it doesn't matter, she's not appreciated one way or the other. I would have left and used the time to pack my stuff and leave the engagement ring behind. I don't even think she ruined his party and that he enjoyed his time with his family. He came home by 11 PM and was angry but I'm quite certain in the hours before he didn't even bother. If he really had been bothered he would have left with her and tried to calm her down and spend the day with her elsewhere instead and tell his family to stop disrespecting her.
3 you know, I left my toxic narcissist ex one day before we'd travel abroad and told him to go on holiday alone. I removed all my personal belongings in that time. When he came back he tried to make me feel bad for ruining the holiday. His family begged me to get back with him. But I was done hating myself for doing nothing wrong. And I definitely wasn't going to feel bad for finally saying enough is enough and choosing myself over him first. His family didn't like that. Then they suddenly hated me even though they knew their son cheated. I have a no nonsense mentality. I don't accept people to bully me and then try to make me feel like I'm the bad one. I don't even waste my time on people who show red flags and they always show within 3 months (only because most people let feelings blind them they ignore them). Call me hard. But it works for me to love with my eyes wide open. I've been able to protect my heart and enjoy my life and focus on the things that give me energy in life.
2 And if you wonder how I can think that hard... I've been with a narcissist myself. His family who lived abroad loved me though so that wasn't an issue. But he always made me feel bad about anything and everything. My hamster died? "Don't be ridiculous, it's just a hamster" he said when I would cry. After dinner I need to take a dump? "Go, I'll do the dishes" even if I would say no I'd do it after being done on the toilet. And then complain to my dad that I wasn't responsible and would always use the toilet as an excuse to make him do the dishes all by his own. He could literally make me feel bad just for pooping. Then he cheated on me and I found out. And guess what, he tried to make me feel bad for that too because he thought I had been cheating on him which I didn't but I had given him that impression. Not that he let me spend any time alone to meet with anyone not even my own friends (not that I had many left because of him) so I don't see how I could have given that impression.
He's a child that has no backbone n may as well marry his mommy. The homemade was from heart n believe me she held her temper n he knew it being she said it ahead of time but he can't tell his mommy no. I'd wouldn't marry that pos. I'd have done damage lol
Since her alleged fiancee was all in with the cake, it would be safe to assume that he told his mother about it in advance. The attitude of letting the kids eat it; after all the work done, mom could have been gracious and sat it next to the other cake so ALL can enjoy both. This girl needs to cut her losses and kick these losers to the curb!
I think the MIL could have been a little more gracious though. We had the same issue ( my son is 3). This is the first time we were able to have a party for him cause covid, so we had a venue, sent everyone a card and all. One of my uncles could not make it but he sends a cake for all of my birthdays and sent one for the kiddo too. Problem was he sent it to the venue by mistake instead if home, so we cut his cake and the 2 tier bakery cake as well. They were all different flavors so people could take what they liked and we packed what was left for home. Not a big deal. I agree with ESH- everyone mentioned in the post is not perfect. She should not have brought a cake without coordinating with the MIL and the MIL could have been a bit more gracious, it's her son's bday....
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I agree the move was overly dramatic. She probably was in the right in other scenarios but not this one. Her fiancée was the problem and they should have dealt with privately. Her MIL is not a nice person so she should've expected that behavior. But it was his birthday
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200% agree, ESH. MIL is rude, OP went in with a chip already on her shoulder and instantly triggered instead of anticipating trouble and being determined to handle it gracefully. Fiance knows about the 'surprise' cake (probably in his little boy mind, he's saying Oh boy! More cake! - and then being oblivious. He could have saved the day by saying, This is special because you made it just for me so we'll just take it home with us and share it together. MIL could have kept her precious thunder. Me, I would have taken a generous slice of the store bought cake and given it to one of the kids.
Why should she be expected to handle it gracefully? Boy's mommy is a disrespectful b***h and no one should have to put up with that kind of garbage.
Why is the woman that's going to be his wife and mother of his children supposed to take a backseat to his mother. He's a grown a*s man, time to cut the apron strings and be a man. Do you take a backseat to your MIL?! Don't you expect to be put first in your SO life? You raise your children, you don't own them for their entire lives. OP has every right to have a chip on her shoulder if this is how she's treated. Where's your grasp on reality?
Giving a slice of cake to a child is not really handling it gracefully?
OP an make me a cake for my birthday I will eat every bite and smile while I do it.
Best compliment a cake artist can receive! 😊
And not let anyone insult her, I'm betting.😉😉
Beautiful n so would I. Homemade is best n from heart. Made with love n ya can't buy that!
AGREED!! Probably a very tasty cake she made for him. Tad bit jealous.
Do the cake?!?🎂 🍰🤣🤣🤣
F his mum, and him. You are the biggest a-hole if you continue this relationship. Dating children even if older than you should be illegal. A man who doesn't stand up to his immediate family to protect his partner is not mature enough to understand when you grow up mommy and daddy are important but your partner and child will take priority just after yourself. Then rest of family. Girl RUN! Love is not worth this drama
I'm in a simiar situation with my MIL with boundaries and such, but my husband has ALWAYS taken my side.
I have been very lucky, we both get along with our own mums, and we like each others mums, but before we even met we decided each to their own. It's now always nice to see them occasionally, and not feel pressured. My mil is great, she supports me, asks about me and has never intruded. Same as my mum. Our mums only call their children, not their partners. We have never gotten advice on our relationship or been judged. Husbands who stand by you are precious and must be protected. Same goes to parents who respect boundarie. We each book a holiday once a year just to spend time with mum, I go next week with my mum, he goes end of summer with his. Lots of love and mutual respect to your relationship. Sometimes all you need to relieve stress is to have someone to take your side and see you
💯💯💯
I'm with ESH. Mom and bf are the worst problems. OP picked the wrong time to take a stand. Usually the host is going to arrange for the birthday cake. If the host didn't ask you to bring a birthday cake, don't bring a birthday cake! OP did start the drama at the party and I get why he was upset. However, his family treats her poorly and he doesn't stick up for her, not a good person to tie yourself to
leaving when you're insulted is causing drama? the bf knew ahead of time that there would be a cake there, and also knew that his gf was making one ahead of time, this was intentional and designed to gaslight this poor woman into thinking she's overreacting so she doesn't cause a fuss when she's repeatedly treated like garbage.
Exactly. I don't get how some people didn't see that part. He knew about her making a cake. "I decided to bake him his birthday cake and he was thrilled about it." Since he knew, he should've told his mother, but OP already said that FMIL doesn't really like her, and that family knew she liked to bake. It'd be a little dumb of them to not realize that. The FMIL just wanted to spite OP.
That does bring up a good point, which is since b/f knew his fiance was baking a cake, why didn't he try to dissuade her from bringing it to the party? Even if that somehow got past him, he knew mommie dearest was going to be getting a cake and surely realized OP would be baking him one since she's a baker...so he could've prevented this whole thing by giving both of them a heads up. Kinda begs the question why he didn't.
Yes he helped set this situation up for disaster.
I don't think it is usually the task of the person the party is thrown for to take care of arrangement. However knowing the situation he should have taken measures before. Same goes with the OP, she could have at least asked him to clear things up before they show up with the cake. However, after all tjis happening he still could have insisted to put the cake of her next to the bought one. In my opinion all are to blame making such a drama.
Agree 100%
The OP told her bf that she was going to make a cake for the party. HE KNEW. He also knew that her and his mother don't get along, and their past history. He and his mother are both the AH.
This is what I'm wondering, the way it's worded is she was making him a birthday cake, she never says she made a cake for the party. It also sounds like they came separate, so he may have assumed her cake was separate from the party cake? He's pretty spineless so it's hard to tell, and the post is kinda vague about it too.
No, getting up and leaving, not drama. What I would have done would be "drama". I would have tossed her cake on the floor and shoved my cake into his face. But then, I would NEVER stay with a wimpy little boy who tolerated his mommy to insult me like that.
Yeah I totally would've smashed his face in cake.
Well… That’s a little extreme…
THATS what drama means. DRaMA Is extreme. What OP did barely counts as "drama", it just slightly counts as a "tiff".
Well... I get extreme when some pissy little boy let's his b***h mommy insult me. I had a guy who did that...once....when he did step up, I told him and his b***h mommy to go f**k themselves. NO ONE should ever put up with that. My husband told his mother, "you don't have to love her, but you do have to respect her. She's going to be the mother of your grandchildren some day." 34 years later, we are still together and his mom and I are friends.
Exactly!!! Sounds like she just arrived! Cake was in her hands. Sounds like FMIL just went at her as soon as she saw the cake. I hope OP DOES NOT marry this mommy's boy!!!
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Leaving was drama. Tossing the host’s paid-for cake on the floor and smashing cake in his face would be a classless white-trash reaction.
He knew that she was baking a cake. There was nothing stopping him from telling his mom to not bake or buy a cake. His fiancee did nothing wrong and would be smart to get out of this relationship.
She did mention it to her bf and he wanted the cake. He should have told his mother that he wanted his gf to make the cake, however I would not have caused a scene at the party, I would have waited until we caught home from party and had it out with him. I would also say reach out to the MIL and tell her how she makes you feel. If nothing comes from either conversation then move on. Life is to short to be made to feel wrong, small, inadequate everytime your around her.
It's clearly said he knew OP was going to bake a cake. And unless I'm mistaken he will have also known his mom got a cake. He should have told her that his mom planned already to buy a cake so she wouldn't have to spend time, money and stuff on baking. And from what I gather this has just been one of many events where they bullied and disrespected her. It's MIL who started the drama already way before this event. Not the OP. I would have walked out too. Why even spend the day around people who don't even appreciate your presence at all? No matter if she had swallowed her pride and stayed or left, it doesn't matter, she's not appreciated one way or the other. I would have left and used the time to pack my stuff and leave the engagement ring behind. I don't even think she ruined his party and that he enjoyed his time with his family. He came home by 11 PM and was angry but I'm quite certain in the hours before he didn't even bother. If he really had been bothered he would have left with her and tried to calm her down and spend the day with her elsewhere instead and tell his family to stop disrespecting her.
3 you know, I left my toxic narcissist ex one day before we'd travel abroad and told him to go on holiday alone. I removed all my personal belongings in that time. When he came back he tried to make me feel bad for ruining the holiday. His family begged me to get back with him. But I was done hating myself for doing nothing wrong. And I definitely wasn't going to feel bad for finally saying enough is enough and choosing myself over him first. His family didn't like that. Then they suddenly hated me even though they knew their son cheated. I have a no nonsense mentality. I don't accept people to bully me and then try to make me feel like I'm the bad one. I don't even waste my time on people who show red flags and they always show within 3 months (only because most people let feelings blind them they ignore them). Call me hard. But it works for me to love with my eyes wide open. I've been able to protect my heart and enjoy my life and focus on the things that give me energy in life.
2 And if you wonder how I can think that hard... I've been with a narcissist myself. His family who lived abroad loved me though so that wasn't an issue. But he always made me feel bad about anything and everything. My hamster died? "Don't be ridiculous, it's just a hamster" he said when I would cry. After dinner I need to take a dump? "Go, I'll do the dishes" even if I would say no I'd do it after being done on the toilet. And then complain to my dad that I wasn't responsible and would always use the toilet as an excuse to make him do the dishes all by his own. He could literally make me feel bad just for pooping. Then he cheated on me and I found out. And guess what, he tried to make me feel bad for that too because he thought I had been cheating on him which I didn't but I had given him that impression. Not that he let me spend any time alone to meet with anyone not even my own friends (not that I had many left because of him) so I don't see how I could have given that impression.
He's a child that has no backbone n may as well marry his mommy. The homemade was from heart n believe me she held her temper n he knew it being she said it ahead of time but he can't tell his mommy no. I'd wouldn't marry that pos. I'd have done damage lol
Since her alleged fiancee was all in with the cake, it would be safe to assume that he told his mother about it in advance. The attitude of letting the kids eat it; after all the work done, mom could have been gracious and sat it next to the other cake so ALL can enjoy both. This girl needs to cut her losses and kick these losers to the curb!
I think the MIL could have been a little more gracious though. We had the same issue ( my son is 3). This is the first time we were able to have a party for him cause covid, so we had a venue, sent everyone a card and all. One of my uncles could not make it but he sends a cake for all of my birthdays and sent one for the kiddo too. Problem was he sent it to the venue by mistake instead if home, so we cut his cake and the 2 tier bakery cake as well. They were all different flavors so people could take what they liked and we packed what was left for home. Not a big deal. I agree with ESH- everyone mentioned in the post is not perfect. She should not have brought a cake without coordinating with the MIL and the MIL could have been a bit more gracious, it's her son's bday....
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I agree the move was overly dramatic. She probably was in the right in other scenarios but not this one. Her fiancée was the problem and they should have dealt with privately. Her MIL is not a nice person so she should've expected that behavior. But it was his birthday
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200% agree, ESH. MIL is rude, OP went in with a chip already on her shoulder and instantly triggered instead of anticipating trouble and being determined to handle it gracefully. Fiance knows about the 'surprise' cake (probably in his little boy mind, he's saying Oh boy! More cake! - and then being oblivious. He could have saved the day by saying, This is special because you made it just for me so we'll just take it home with us and share it together. MIL could have kept her precious thunder. Me, I would have taken a generous slice of the store bought cake and given it to one of the kids.
Why should she be expected to handle it gracefully? Boy's mommy is a disrespectful b***h and no one should have to put up with that kind of garbage.
Why is the woman that's going to be his wife and mother of his children supposed to take a backseat to his mother. He's a grown a*s man, time to cut the apron strings and be a man. Do you take a backseat to your MIL?! Don't you expect to be put first in your SO life? You raise your children, you don't own them for their entire lives. OP has every right to have a chip on her shoulder if this is how she's treated. Where's your grasp on reality?
Giving a slice of cake to a child is not really handling it gracefully?
OP an make me a cake for my birthday I will eat every bite and smile while I do it.
Best compliment a cake artist can receive! 😊
And not let anyone insult her, I'm betting.😉😉
Beautiful n so would I. Homemade is best n from heart. Made with love n ya can't buy that!
AGREED!! Probably a very tasty cake she made for him. Tad bit jealous.
Do the cake?!?🎂 🍰🤣🤣🤣