“AITA For Returning The Money To My MIL In Front Of Everyone, Embarrassing Her?”
When you’re organizing your wedding day, one thing that you might not expect is for pretty much everyone in your family and social circle to have an opinion on how everything should be done. It can be overwhelming if they insist that their way of doing things is the only way.
One anonymous woman took to the AITA online community to get some advice after her mother-in-law kept pressuring her to wear a white wedding dress. Frustrated of constantly being badgered, the bride-to-be publicly called out her MIL, sparking drama in the family. Read on for the full story. Bored Panda has reached out to the author for comment via Reddit, and we’ll update the article as soon as we hear back from her.
It’s up to the bride to decide what to wear on her Big Day. Unfortunately, not everyone’s a fan of this
Image credits: Juliano Goncalves / pexels (not the actual photo)
One bride opened up about how frustrating it was to hear her mother-in-law constantly offer ‘advice’ about her wedding dress
Image credits: Masson-Simon / envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: TATiredofmyMIL
Wedding costs quickly add up, so it’s no surprise that some couples ask for help
Weddings can be pretty expensive. According to a recent study done by The Knot, the average wedding in the US in 2023 cost around $35,000, which is $5,000 more than in 2022. The main culprit behind this price surge is the increase in the cost of various wedding-related goods and services.
The survey found the majority of respondents (85%) were affected by the economy as they were planning their wedding. On average, marrying couples hire 14 vendors. Meanwhile, 37% of respondents said that they hired a wedding planner to help with everything, including better budgeting.
Taking these costs into account, it’s no wonder that some couples ask their parents for financial assistance. Or their family members decide to pitch in even without being asked.
But it’s a delicate position to find yourself in when your relatives and your partner’s family finance (most of) your wedding. Many people feel that if they’re paying for at least part of the celebration, they should at least have their opinions heard.
This is a nuanced situation. On the one hand, yes, if you’re putting up a great deal of your own money, it’s respectful that the couple at least considers your ideas. Your relatives might be offering you some money so that you could invite more members of the family, for example.
Gifts aren’t meant to come with strings attached to them
On the other hand, if the money is a gift, you can’t exactly get mad if the happy couple wants to do things their way, not yours. Gifts don’t come with strings attached. And if they do, they’re not really gifts.
Furthermore, the couple is under no obligation to throw out their entire vision of the wedding just because someone contributed a small sum of money. It’s the couple that’s getting married, after all!
Yes, you can hear your relatives out. Yes, you should be courteous and understanding. Yes, you can integrate their ideas into your overall vision if they make sense and you genuinely like them. But if your family can’t take the hint that you don’t like their suggestions, it might be time to be less subtle in enforcing your boundaries.
That’s exactly what the author of the viral story did. By publicly calling out her mother-in-law, she made her boundaries very clear. Diplomacy and nuance didn’t work, so she was more overt in saying ‘no’ to her MIL’s idea this time around.
Meanwhile, giving back the money the MIL had given her was a masterstroke: now, there was no obligation at all to pretend to listen to ideas that went against the core of her vision for the wedding.
The vast majority of readers thought that the author was completely in the right. Because the MIL kept criticizing the bride’s choice of dress in public, she was also called out in public. Then again, overly entitled people are used to getting what they want, and they’re shocked when others push back.
Here’s what the internet had to say about the whole wedding drama
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Adults ask once, and if they don't get their way, they accept it. Toddlers throw tantrums until they get their way or they're made to leave.
While I’m sure the OP won’t read my thought, here they are anyway. I grew up with the idea of the “traditional” white wedding dress. But it was only a fashion tradition that started when Queen Victoria wore a white dress for her wedding. Before that, people simply wore their best dress. And colors are culture dependent. In fact, in some native tribes in the US, white actually symbolizes death, not marriage. Traditions all start somewhere. I actually LOVE the idea of a lilac colored dress. It sounds beautiful - it never occurred to me to wear a color other than white. I wouldn’t mind if that became the current “traditional” color.
My mom wore a light green dress for her wedding in 1982. It was the only one my parents could find, as it was during the last death throes of Soviet Union, and absolutely everything from toilet paper to rubber boots and sausages was in short supply. She was ok with the color but it was full coverage and made of wool for some reason?? and she was almost baked to death in the hot July weather. We watched Hollywood films where girls wear their mothers wedding dresses and asked about the dress, but as soon as we touched the fabric all 3 of us girls went NOPE we will get our own dresses! :D
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The only people who get to decide the wedding plan are the people getting married. You can advise, but don't sulk if it's not accepted.
If you don't want to be called out publicly, don't f**k around publicly
Exactly. If you're going to be rude, don't be surprised when people are rude back. Treat other how you want to be treated.
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Organised and ran weddings for years. Met prospective clients loads of times and IF a Mum came to the meetings then I’d always include them in the conversations but when it came to questions from us to the Bride & Groom I’d always ask them directly using their names so it was 100% clear that we only dealt with them. If they said ‘you must include Mum in the decision making’ then I would change my approach but MIL has no say until Bride or Groom says so. Often the MIL didn’t have the wedding they wanted years ago and they’d see their child’s wedding as a chance to make up for that, or to show off to their friends, we weren’t there to enable that, we wanted a Bride & Groom to have THEIR day with no control being exerted by an outside individual. Because we weren’t close to the family the B&G could just bypass the aggro and deal directly with us and avoid the conflict.
There are some threads in which reading the comments is unnecessary. This is one of them.
This has nothing to do with anything but your name always reminds me of the feminine version of Patrick Stewart.
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I'm so proud of OP. I didn't want to wear white ( I wasn't a virgin ) but my mom insisted, so I really wore it for her. This was 40 years ago. I wanted to keep my last name or at least a hyphen. What an uproar that caused.
My mom wasn't even allowed at the wedding(long story involving abuse). We defied all traditions too and wore black. Leap day wedding too
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I think her best option if the MIL brings it up is to say "You know there is a simple way to ensure you don't have to see my wedding dress..." and see if she finally gets the hint.
I will never agree when somebody is rude and pushy and they run their mouth publicly anywhere they are, and then when you call them out you're the bad guy because you should have done it privately, oh hell no!!! MIL should have kept it zipped.
What is it with these MILzillas thinking they get any say about how the bride wants HER wedding?
And I the only one confused about OP using a "fictitious" value of money as a "parameter of value?" Did she mean "around $30k?"
The MIL gave her a very small amount compared to what her parents gave. That's what she was trying to say. It's was about $3,000.
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That's a good idea. With people like that, you need to call them on their bs in public. Some parents and in-laws will financially help out of the goodness of their hearts, but for others it is all about control, like in this case. If you have controlling family, do not let them pay for stuff like this.
Damn, LOL. Well, MIL can’t say she didn’t deserve that, because OP is the bride & since she’s the one wearing the dress; it’s HER call, even if she wanted a rainbow dress with silver polka-dots! Honestly, I would’ve paid to see the look on MIL’s face after giving the money back. 😂
And that's her choice, that she made, because she likes the color. As for the ceremony? Even justice of the peace weddings aren't over in 15 minutes. Also if she's like that about the wedding then I bet you dollars to donuts she's going to be like that in all aspects of their lives.
Load More Replies... Adults ask once, and if they don't get their way, they accept it. Toddlers throw tantrums until they get their way or they're made to leave.
While I’m sure the OP won’t read my thought, here they are anyway. I grew up with the idea of the “traditional” white wedding dress. But it was only a fashion tradition that started when Queen Victoria wore a white dress for her wedding. Before that, people simply wore their best dress. And colors are culture dependent. In fact, in some native tribes in the US, white actually symbolizes death, not marriage. Traditions all start somewhere. I actually LOVE the idea of a lilac colored dress. It sounds beautiful - it never occurred to me to wear a color other than white. I wouldn’t mind if that became the current “traditional” color.
My mom wore a light green dress for her wedding in 1982. It was the only one my parents could find, as it was during the last death throes of Soviet Union, and absolutely everything from toilet paper to rubber boots and sausages was in short supply. She was ok with the color but it was full coverage and made of wool for some reason?? and she was almost baked to death in the hot July weather. We watched Hollywood films where girls wear their mothers wedding dresses and asked about the dress, but as soon as we touched the fabric all 3 of us girls went NOPE we will get our own dresses! :D
Load More Replies... The only people who get to decide the wedding plan are the people getting married. You can advise, but don't sulk if it's not accepted.
If you don't want to be called out publicly, don't f**k around publicly
Exactly. If you're going to be rude, don't be surprised when people are rude back. Treat other how you want to be treated.
Load More Replies... Organised and ran weddings for years. Met prospective clients loads of times and IF a Mum came to the meetings then I’d always include them in the conversations but when it came to questions from us to the Bride & Groom I’d always ask them directly using their names so it was 100% clear that we only dealt with them. If they said ‘you must include Mum in the decision making’ then I would change my approach but MIL has no say until Bride or Groom says so. Often the MIL didn’t have the wedding they wanted years ago and they’d see their child’s wedding as a chance to make up for that, or to show off to their friends, we weren’t there to enable that, we wanted a Bride & Groom to have THEIR day with no control being exerted by an outside individual. Because we weren’t close to the family the B&G could just bypass the aggro and deal directly with us and avoid the conflict.
There are some threads in which reading the comments is unnecessary. This is one of them.
This has nothing to do with anything but your name always reminds me of the feminine version of Patrick Stewart.
Load More Replies... I'm so proud of OP. I didn't want to wear white ( I wasn't a virgin ) but my mom insisted, so I really wore it for her. This was 40 years ago. I wanted to keep my last name or at least a hyphen. What an uproar that caused.
My mom wasn't even allowed at the wedding(long story involving abuse). We defied all traditions too and wore black. Leap day wedding too
Load More Replies... I think her best option if the MIL brings it up is to say "You know there is a simple way to ensure you don't have to see my wedding dress..." and see if she finally gets the hint.
I will never agree when somebody is rude and pushy and they run their mouth publicly anywhere they are, and then when you call them out you're the bad guy because you should have done it privately, oh hell no!!! MIL should have kept it zipped.
What is it with these MILzillas thinking they get any say about how the bride wants HER wedding?
And I the only one confused about OP using a "fictitious" value of money as a "parameter of value?" Did she mean "around $30k?"
The MIL gave her a very small amount compared to what her parents gave. That's what she was trying to say. It's was about $3,000.
Load More Replies... That's a good idea. With people like that, you need to call them on their bs in public. Some parents and in-laws will financially help out of the goodness of their hearts, but for others it is all about control, like in this case. If you have controlling family, do not let them pay for stuff like this.
Damn, LOL. Well, MIL can’t say she didn’t deserve that, because OP is the bride & since she’s the one wearing the dress; it’s HER call, even if she wanted a rainbow dress with silver polka-dots! Honestly, I would’ve paid to see the look on MIL’s face after giving the money back. 😂
And that's her choice, that she made, because she likes the color. As for the ceremony? Even justice of the peace weddings aren't over in 15 minutes. Also if she's like that about the wedding then I bet you dollars to donuts she's going to be like that in all aspects of their lives.
Load More Replies...
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