It’s a sunny morning, and you arrive at work with a smile on your face. You have a good job, great colleagues, and the company culture is pretty fine. But then you get to your desk, start getting through your e-mails, and your face twists. You realize that your boss has left you to take care of another one or two of those long, annoying, and trivial tasks that would be insignificant even for an intern on their first day. If only they would let up for a minute! But instead of doing that, they keep piling on the pressure until you eventually break down. There is nothing worse than being stuck working for someone that you can’t stand. And if that someone is impossible to please and unreasonable, then it can make life at work very difficult despite all the other good things.
But don’t despair yet! We have collected some of the best boss jokes that are sure to help lighten the mood around the office. These jokes about the boss are sure to lift everyone’s spirit and make you burst out laughing! And if, instead of a horrible boss, you actually have a great director who knows how to take a joke, why don’t you share these ones with them too?
(Disclaimer - We don’t take responsibility if you get fired.)
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At my boss's funeral kneeling and whispering at the coffin. "Who's thinking outside the box now Gary?"
They say dress for the job you want, not the job you have. My boss still didn’t think a spacesuit was “Appropriate work attire.”
Boss: "This is the third time you've been late to work this week. Do you know what that means?"
Me: "It's Wednesday?"
My boss told me I intimidate my coworkers, so I just stared at him until he apologized.
"And remember," said the boss, "There's no I in TEAM!"
"Yeah," muttered one of the peons, "And there's not much sign of U in it either."
I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today. He said "Dream on." I think that was really nice of him.
Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested."
Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus."
Someone once asked me if I would shoot my boss for $50,000... I said yes, I would definitely do that, but it's going to take me a while to come up with $50,000.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
I once called into work well. I ended up working half a day and using a half-day of sick leave. 🙂🙂
My boss calls me "The computer." Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Boss: "How is it that you are always sick on weekdays?"
Me: "It’s my weekend immune system."
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
I got fired from my job at the coffee factory. My boss said it was because I had no filter.
How do you make people think you’re the boss?
Stand around and do nothing.
I wonder what your boss has in common with a slinky. Both of them are entertaining to watch fall down the stairs.
The Boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but yesterday, this conversation happened.
Boss: "Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?"
Abdul: "Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back."
Today is Abdul's farewell party.
I miss the times when I was working at the zoo. My boss fired me just because I left the lion's gate open. I mean who would steal a lion?
Boss: "Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life!"
Me: "Well It got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago 2011."
Boss: "Really?"
Me: "No."
"My boss is goin through a divorce an I fell really bad but it's kinda awesome bc now he always buys the beer."
God I am having awful flashbacks to the other thread this author did about British jokes. That was unfunny, ungrammatical, badly composed and ill thought out too.
A guy got an Interview for a job with EA:
Boss: "The second part of your resume is missing."
Applicant: "For the second part you have to pay 20$."
Boss: "Welcome on board."
Got some bubble wrap delivered to work yesterday.
The boss said, “Pop it in the corner.”
Took me five hours!
Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. It's just another day at the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing.
I was in a taxi when the driver said: "I love my job. I am my own boss, nobody tells me what to do." I then told him to turn right.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: "What companies are those?"
Me: "The electricity company and the water company."
Told my boss he needs winter tires. Got fired. Apparently that's something offensive to say to people in wheelchairs.
I waved at my boss as I left the office. It seems he wasn’t impressed maybe next time I’ll use all my fingers.
I remember my boss once pointed to my desk which was a mess... He said that a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind. He wasn’t too happy when I pointed out that his desk was empty.
I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind guy and my boss fired me for it. Guess I'll have to find a bus driving job in a new city.
After an altercation with my boss, I decided to leave my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
A guy shows up late for work.
The boss yells: "You should have been here at 8:30!"
He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday. My boss said, "Clean out your desk, and I'll see you in the office on Monday."
My boss wanted me to put some new fuses in a car. I refused.
My boss asked me to start my presentation with humor. So, I put my paycheck on the first slide.
My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said “Wow that’s an amazing car.”
“If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year.”
A boss and his employee are discussing the testing of their products:
Employee : "We have got to stop testing our products on animals."
Boss : "Oh yeah ? Other companies do it all the time , so why shouldn't we ?"
Employee : "Yeah that's good and all but we make hammers."
Boss: "Can you work this weekend?"
Me: "Yeah no worries but I'll probably be a bit late as public transport is slow on weekends."
Boss: "What time will you get here?"
Me: "Monday."
Boss: "You've got to find a way to make fewer mistakes on the job."
Worker: "Ok, how about I come in later in the morning?"
I got fired from my job as a massage therapist. My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.
Boss: "Why do you-"
Me: "*sshhh*"
Boss: "What is your biggest wea-"
Me: "*sshhh*"
Boss: "(whispering) you're hired. Welcome to the library."
My boss called me and said, "Why didn't you call me back when you said you would 3 hours ago?!"
I told him, "When did I say that...? I don't recall..."
I told my boss that I'm quitting my job to become a comedian.
He said, "You can't be serious."
I said, "I know."
Me: "Boss, I'm sorry I am late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: "Hard drive?"
Me: "No, the commute was fine. It was my computer."
Boss: “How good are you at PowerPoint?”
Me: “I Excel at it.”
Boss: “Was that a Microsoft Office pun?”
Me: “Word.”
My boss said my math skills are average. That’s just mean.
My coworker said to me, “If the boss doesn’t take back what he said to me, I’m leaving the company.”
I asked, “What did he say?”
“Leave the company.”
My boss accused me of stealing, and fired me from my job at the furniture store. But I regret nothing, sometimes you have to take a stand.
I called my boss this morning.
“I won’t be coming in today,” I said. “My legs aren’t working properly.”
“What kind of excuse is that?” He asked.
I replied, “A lame excuse.”
Told my boss I would leave my job because they weren’t giving me sufficient training.
“Well, you know where the door is,” he said.
I said, “Actually no, I don’t.”
My new boss told me that he expects me to be on call 24/7. But I don’t really mind as the 24th of July is ages away.
At the office barbecue, I grilled a medium rare steak and my boss said, “I like it well done!” I said, “Thanks. That means a lot to me.”
My new boss asked if I could perform under pressure. I said, “No, but I can do a great Bohemian Rhapsody”
The cop wanted to retire from his job as a traffic officer. His boss gave him the green light.
If your boss cracks a joke at your expense and you laugh “ahahahahagivemaraisehahaha.“
Boss: "Can I see you in my office?"
Me: "Well, you can see me right now, I'm sitting next to you while you email me."
“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer.
“All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep.
“What did you say?” challenged the farmer.
The sheep glared back and growled... “You herd me.”
With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on 50 and toss the rest.
“Throw away 250 resumes?” I asked, shocked. “What if the best candidates are in there?”
He thought for a moment and said, “You have a point but then again, I don’t need people with bad luck around here.”
My boss pulled me into his office. He sighed and said, "Look...when it comes to drinking on the job, I haven't got much tolerance."
"That's okay," I replied, "I was a rookie once too."
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables. I couldn’t live off of that celery.
My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”
I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”
Got promoted at the bakery after my overweight boss died. I've got some big chouxs to fill.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it’s going to be me.
My boss: "You’re fired."
Me: "*Turns in gun and badge*"
My boss: "You’re a waiter, where did you get those."
An employee asks his boss, "Can I have two weeks off for Christmas?"
His boss replied, "It's May..."
To which the employee responded, "Oh, sorry. May I have two weeks off for Christmas?"
My boss came to me at lunch:
"Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to find you all morning!"
I shrugged and said, "Good employees are hard to find!"
A man receives a call at work:
His boss asks him, "Who was that?"
"Just some random guy."
"Call him back NOW!"
The man calls back and says, "911, what's your emergency?"
John is being shown around the office by his new boss. They enter the IT department and John sees a man using two keyboards at once. "That's incredible", says John. "Trust a geek to use two keyboards at once". "Hey!" replied his boss. "That's stereotyping."
A boss is like a seagull. He flies in and makes a lot of noise. He drools all over everything.
My boss asked me how good I am at making spreadsheets. I told him "I Excel at it."
"What did the geologist say to his boss?"
"I don’t know."
"Please don’t take me for granite."
As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office. I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.
My boss said he'd give me a bonus if I did an impression of a frog. I jumped at the opportunity.
My boss said I was going to see a big increase on my Payslip this month... He increased the font size.
My boss was giving a presentation and no one was asking questions.
So my boss says: “The person who asks the first question will get a raise, the second will get a promotion, and the third will get a million dollar.”
So I raised my hand and said “I have three questions.”
I caught two teenagers smoking pot outside my office window. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two teenagers smoking pot outside my office window.
I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos... I had to put my foot down.
I gave my boss some maracas for Christmas. He kept talking about how he wants to shake things up.
What’s the definition of a power struggle?
Your boss has the power, and you have the struggle.
The boss always scheduled a management meeting at 4:00 pm on Friday afternoons. When an employee asked him why, he replied, “I’ve found that late Friday afternoon is the only time when no one wants to argue with me.”
I was told by my boss that I have to set up the company’s 401k. However, I do not think I can run that far.
My boss sent me an email:
Boss: “Send me a joke!”
Me: “I’m working right now!”
Boss: “That was great! Send me another one!”
John : "Hi boss it is raining heavily today so I would not be coming."
Boss: "You stated in your job application that swimming was it hobby so see u at at 11am."
Me: "Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?"
McDonalds Boss: "Again *rubs temples* you don't need to put Mc in front of words."
Me: "Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds."
[My funeral]
Boss: "*solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* How could you do this to me we are so understaffed today."
I asked my boss if we would ever hire felons to run pipe. He said no, they won't let a conduit.
My first day at the casino I was late for work, my boss yelled at me, and they put me at a Blackjack table with no cards. I looked at all the players and said "I can't deal with this. "
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough."
He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
At the end of the day, a border collie reported back to the grazier, "All fifty sheep accounted for, boss!"
"Wait, I only have 48 sheep!" he replied.
"I know," said the dog, "but I rounded them up."
Did you hear about the guy who fell in a vat of gum at the bubblegum factory?
His boss chewed him out.
What did the doughnut maker say to their boss?
"I quit because I’m tired of the hole business."
Unfortunately, my boss said no to my time off request. However, the flight is booked. So I hope she comes up with something.
So we were working with a new client at work and my boss farts, he said "A little gas never killed anyone."
A man with no arms is tasked with a lot of jobs then he says to his boss "I can't handle all of this."
"My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5."
"My boss just came in my office and cried because she felt bad for snapping at me today. I work at a hospital how hard is it to get her xans?"
The human cannonball retires. After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire. "But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"
So, today my boss asked me to pick up 6 cans of Sprite for a meeting. However, when I returned, I realized that I had picked 7 up instead.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
Blonde: "In three months."
What are the best ways to be a good boss?
If you’re in charge, ponder. If you’re in doubt, mumble. If you’re in trouble, delegate.
