In my personal experience, people make bank jokes only in two cases: they have either never taken out a loan or their relationship with the bank is so bad, there is nothing left but to laugh.
Money jokes aside (money pun intended!), dealing with your finances can be pretty overwhelming, and that’s why being financially literate comes in really handy. You don’t need to become an economist or a banker, but having an elementary understanding of how to manage your resources will help you not only better distribute your income but also find ways to increase it.
An interesting thing with jokes on finance is that whether you find them funny or not, many of them can actually teach you some financial wisdom. However, if you want to share a money joke with your friends or colleagues, make sure you know that they will take it well. Money and finances can be a sensitive topic, and in some societies it is even considered taboo, so you don’t want to offend people you care about.
But if you enjoy jokes about money, financial specialists, and the economy in general, we have a collection of jokes about banking you could read while waiting for your turn in the bank. If you are feeling especially adventurous, you can even share them with your bank operator and have a good laugh together.
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Why did the teller lose his job at the bank?
An old lady asked him to check her balance, so he tipped her over.
"My dad always told me to work until my bank account looks like a phone number. So I did. Account balance: $9.11"
Kermit Jagger needed to take out a large loan, so he went to his bank and met with a banker named Patricia Wack.
Patricia asked, "Do you have something you can offer as collateral?" Kermit responded by placing a little porcelain figurine on the desk. Patricia was not impressed, but she went to her manager to explain the situation. The manager laughed, and replied,
"It's a knick knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
"My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance. I replied, “Thank you, I used to do gymnastics,” and hung up the phone. That was nice of them to say."
"I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working. As long as I die on Thursday."
"Did you hear about the frog that robbed a bank? I guess you can say he Kermitted a crime."
Did you hear about the woman who doesn't like banker jokes?
So if you take her on a date, you'd better not teller any.
An immigrant, a worker and a banker are sitting at the table with 10 cookies.
The banker takes 9 and then tells the worker "Watch out, the immigrant is going to steal your cookie."
A doctor walks into a bank...
When he goes to sign a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his pocket.
He looks up at the banker and says, "Dang it, some ***hole has my pen!"
Blackbeard goes into a bank looking to secure a loan for a new ship.
The banker nods and says, "Yes everything is in order. You'll be gettin' the standard 3.14% interest rate."
Blackbeard raises an eyebrow at that.
"The standard rate? What's that mean?"
"3.14%. You know... the Pi Rate."
"A persistent banker wouldn't stop hitting on me! Even after I asked him to leave me a loan."
"I went to the bank and asked to open a joint account.
The banker said, "Certainly , with whom?"
I said, "With anyone who has money.""
A retired banker went to a psychiatrist.
He said "For 30 years, I worked in a bank as a teller. Every day I would serve dozens of customers. I loved my job and never missed a day. Last month, I retired. Since then, every time I pass a bank, I have a huge craving to enter and take out money.
Even if I pass an ATM, I have to stop and take some cash out. I've got thousands of dollars in cash at home, yet every day I feel desperate to go to the bank and take out more. What's wrong with me?"
The psychiatrist thought for a bit and replied:
"It sounds like you're having Withdrawal Symptoms."
"That annoying banker wouldn't stop asking me questions. I specifically asked him to leave me a loan."
"I got an email that said, “You have won $35,148,216. To complete the transaction, we will need your bank details.”
“Certainly,” I replied. “It’s a big building with money inside.”"
What do you call a piece of fruit who held up a bank and stole some money?
It was a strobbery.
Did you hear about the investment banker who became a horse breeder?
He was always looking for the most stable returns.
How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.
"I remember being in so much debt that I couldn’t afford my electricity bills. It was a dark time."
How do you know that your banking app gives you lots of positive feedback?
Every time you log in it tells you that your balance is outstanding.
A banker tells his client that a £1,000,000 investment will turn into a ton of money!
So the the client asks, "How much is a ton of money?"
The banker responds, "Two thousand pounds."
A man driving to the store finds no place to park...
He sees an empty parking spot and eagerly drives his car into the slot, paying no attention to the "Customer Only" sign.
When he comes back, his car has disappeared.
He storms into the bank, where he demands to know where his car went.
The banker looks straight into his eyes and whispers "I towed you so."
90 year old farmer goes to the banker for the loan to buy land. The banker has some concerns due to the old codgers age.
"What happens if you die before the loan is paid off?" The banker asks.
"I'll send you a check from heavan, because God would want all my obligations taken care of," The old farmer answered.
"But what if you go the other direction?" the banker queried.
"Then I'll deliver it to you in person."
Why was the woodchopper arrested at the bank?
He walked into a bank, pointed a long, thin piece of wood at the ceiling, and shouted, “This is a stickup!”
A basketball player and a horse jockey just robbed the bank.
Police are looking high and low for the culprits.
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
"My uncle always told me he had a fortune in a safe deposit box.
He left me the key in his will. I went to the bank, trembling with anticipation, got access to the box, took it into the private viewing room.
I opened the box and looked in, there was an envelope inside, when I opened it, a folded piece of paper fell out.
I read it, and it said: “Good things are ahead for you. Your lucky numbers are 6, 10, and 13.”"
"I went to the bank to apply for a personal loan. Then they found out I wanted to be a rapper. So they didn’t want to Post Malone."
If a banker and a lawyer were both drowning and you could only save one, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
A man visits his bank manager and asks, “How do I start a small business?”
The manager replies, “Start a large one and wait six months.”
Why did the post office have to recall a series of stamps depicting famous bankers?
People were confused about which side to spit on.
"I went to get tornado insurance for my camp site, but the bank refused. They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”"
A local bank is introducing a cash machine built into a tree.
If it’s successful, they might expand to other branches.
"I went to the bank and swapped 100 grapes for 50 raisins. Not sure about the currant exchange rate."
"A banker friend told me to put something away for a rainy day. I’ve gone for an umbrella."
"Why do banks need to be better at restocking ATMs on Christmas? Because this is the 5th one I have been to that said insufficient funds."
What’s the difference between churches and banks?
Both take your money but only one gives it back.
What’s common between your mental health and your bank account?
Both are considered fund-a-mental to a successful life.
What happened to the Archaeologists that just excavated an ancient bank?
It put them in financial ruin.
What is the difference between a stalker and an admirer?
The number of zeroes in your bank account.
3 guys walk into a bakery; an investment banker, a government employee, and a tea partier.
The lady behind the counter puts out a dozen cookies.
Wall Street pockets 11 and tells the tea partier, "the government worker is trying to steal your cookie!"
What's the difference between an Investment Banker and a large pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
"I’m not saying my banker is bad at his job... but when I went into his office and asked him to check my balance, he tried to push me over."
A blonde walks into a bank and says "Hands in the air! This is a screw-up!"
The banker, confused, says "Surely you must mean a 'stick-up'."
The blonde responds, "No, I forgot the gun."
Remember in Monopoly, when some insufferable kids couldn't agree who was banker, they'd refuse to play completely?
Welcome to the shutdown...
A criminal robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors.
But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.
Luckily the judge was lenient, as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.
“Timmy, what do you want to be when you grow up?”
“I’m gonna follow in my dad’s footsteps and be a police officer.”
“Is your dad a police officer?”
“No, he’s a bank robber.”
A young banker decided to get a tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets.
He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him:
“Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”
The young man answered:
“Yes, I did.”
To this the tailor said:
“Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”
A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”
The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”
"Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber. He died last week. Surrounded by his family."
Why did the bank robber in a Pittsburgh Steelers jacket get away?
He was surrounded by people in Arizona Cardinals jackets who couldn't catch him!
A friend's business "Cooking with Spices" has not been successful.
His bank has called in the bay leafs.
"I do enjoy getting cash out of the bank and then throwing it in the river and watching it float away. I like studying my cash flow."
"Went to the bank and they told me they could offer me a credit card with no interest. I said, “Why are you bothering then?"
A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest.
The man enters the bank and says, "I’m here to find out about the mortgage."
Employee responds, "I don’t really care."
What’s the difference between a snow bank and a regular bank?
The snow bank doesn’t call security when you point a gun at it.
Did you hear about the guy that robbed banks and his getaway “vehicle” was a baby sheep?
He’s still on the lamb.
Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience.
He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.
Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," Jones replied.
"I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."
What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
A pigeon can put down a deposit on a Porsche.
After retiring, a banker decides that he wants to run a farm in Mexico. When he gets there, the locals give him a donkey as a present. However, the banker has never had a donkey before, and not knowing how to look after it properly, soon the donkey dies.
Being a banker, the man comes up with a cunning plan to make money out of the situation. He goes to the next town over, and starts selling raffle tickets, advertising the main prize as a strong stallion of a donkey. He charges 10 Pesos for a raffle ticket, and waits till the end of the day when he has sold 50 raffle tickets. He sets up a formal draw, and gets the local mayor to draw the winning ticket, after which he tells the winner to come and see him the next day to collect the prize. All the other town participants go home, having had a good time and enjoyed the raffle.
The next day the winner comes to collect the prize, but the banker shows him the dead donkey and apologizes saying the donkey died overnight and there was nothing he could do. He hands the winner his 10 pesos back and gives an extra 10 as a compliment. The banker himself pockets the rest of the 480 pesos.
"Talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one outside Boots yesterday!"
What's the problem with banker jokes?
Bankers don't think they're funny, normal people don't think they're jokes.
A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up. "I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"
A 90 year old woman is getting married for the fourth time.
A news crew is there to document the story.
The reporter asks the woman about her odd marital past.
"Let me get this right," he says. "Your first husband was a banker. Your second husband was a clown. Your third husband was a doctor, and you're about to marry a mortician. Why the menagerie of different men?"
She smirked and said, "It was one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."
"My dad works as a banker at Wells Fargo. I asked him to open a checking account for me. "A checking account? What do you need two checking accounts for? Are you sure you want three checking accounts and a saving account? Fine, I'll open four checking accounts, two savings accounts and a line of credit for you.""
In a bar, there's a guy hitting on a cute banker girl.
The guy brags about all his riches and possessions, but he got shot down by the girl immediately.
The girl said, "Leave me a loan!"
The guy noticed the wordplay, he praised the girl. "That's a pretty clever pun! ...But not as pretty as you"
The girl, now irritated, said. "I'm not kidding, leave me a loan! I lost interest."
What’s the difference between a tragedy and a catastrophe?
A tragedy is a ship full of bankers going down in a storm; a catastrophe is when they can all swim.
Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready.
“I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it’s the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others” he is told by the doorman.
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss.
So the doorman leads him to the dorm.
They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. “See, here is your first roommate. He has an IQ of 180!”
”That’s wonderful!” says Albert. “We can discuss mathematics!”
”And here is your second roommate. His IQ is 150!”
”That’s wonderful!” says Albert. “We can discuss physics!”
”And here is your third roommate. His IQ is 100!”
”That’s wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!”
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert’s hand and shake it.
“I’m your last roommate and I’m sorry, but my IQ is only 80.”
Albert smiles back at him and says, “So, where do you think interest rates are headed?”
During a bank robbery, the Chief told the Sergeant to cover all exits so that the robbers could not get away.
Ten minutes later, the Sergeant reports to the Chief, “Sorry sir but they got away.”
The chief replies, “I told you to cover all exits, didn’t I?”
“I did but they got away through the entrance.”
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”
"I’m worried about the state of my bank. I tried five different ATMs today and they’ve all told me they have “Insufficient Funds.”"
"I’m not saying that my friend has a poor credit score but when he went to the bank for a loan, they wouldn’t lend him a pen to fill in the application."
At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously.
The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch.
She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."
A woman walks into a bank.
The clerk looks up at her and realizes the woman has a fifty dollar bill stuck up each ear, worried, he goes to his manager.
“Oh that’s Miss Henderson” the manager says, “Shes got a hundred dollars in arrears.”
Two accountants go to their credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand.
Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?"
To which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."
There is a banker, a builder and an ordinary working-class guy.
One day, they find a magic lamp, which they rub, and sure enough out pops The Genie.
"Masters, I will grant each one of you one wish for anything that you desire"
The banker shouts, "Me first, me first"
But the others have to wait for a very long time because the banker is having trouble thinking of anything that he has not already got.
He has more money than his young trophy wife could possibly spend, several houses in exotic locations, a private jet, a garage full of expensive supercars and so on.
The recent riots in London and the Occupy Wall St movement lay heavy on his mind when he decides what he really wants.
"A 20' (6m) high security wall all around the city of London to keep protesters and tourists out."
"Your wish is granted, master" says The Genie.
"Me next, me next" says Bob the Builder, who has fallen on hard times because the government won't invest in infrastructure.
"I want an enormously profitable contract to build the wall"
"And your wish is granted, master."
Now it's working-class guy's turn.
"Well, before I make a wish, I would like to ask Bob a question."
"By all means, go ahead" says The Genie.
"Bob, will your wall be waterproof?"
"Yes, of course" says Bob, "my wall will have no expense spared, it will be made using only the very finest materials, it will be built by the best craftsmen, and it will conform to the very highest standards."
"Good" says the working-class guy while turning to The Genie.
"Fill it up."
