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Good communication is fundamental to happy and healthy relationships. However, some topics—like childhood traumas—can be hard for people to broach, even when they love their partners with their entire being. But if left to fester, these traumas can have huge repercussions down the line. Being vulnerable and asking for help is never a sign of weakness though.
Reddit user u/ValuableBurner opened up to the AITA online community about a very sensitive issue. He shared how he burst into tears after learning his baby’s gender due to his fears about being a bad parent. The internet came out in force and shared some quality advice with the dad-to-be. Read on for the full story. Bored Panda has reached out to u/ValuableBurner and we will update the article as soon as we hear back from him.
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It’s vital that people communicate with their loved ones and learn to ask for help when dealing with their issues from the past
Image credits: akshay-bineesh-105199960 (not the actual photo)
One dad-to-be, who had a traumatic childhood, opened up about how he reacted when he learned his baby’s gender
Image credits: alex-green (not the actual photo)
Image credits: alex-green (not the actual photo)
Image credits: ValuableBurner
Image credits: Alex Green (not the actual photo)
Many men are reluctant to open up about their feelings or to go to therapy to solve their issues
The author of the viral post, redditor u/ValuableBurner, revealed to the AITA community on Reddit how he started crying after his baby’s gender reveal party. According to him, he was treated very poorly by his father while growing up and he didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes. Meanwhile, the OP’s dad allegedly treated his sister well. This is why the author subconsciously wanted a daughter rather than a son.
Though the story split the AITA community, many readers were highly sympathetic. A lot of readers thought that the author’s actions were partially inadequate because he hadn’t explained things properly to his wife.
However, they urged him to go to therapy, in order to deal with his childhood trauma. They also told u/ValuableBurner to speak to his wife about his issues so that they’re on the same page.
Being vulnerable about one’s past, being honest with your partner, and asking for help during a difficult moment—all of these are signs of strength, not weakness.
However, many people still avoid opening up about their issues. Some folks might not want to burden their loved ones with their problems. So they’re left dealing with emotional turmoil all by themselves. Sometimes just voicing a problem reduces its impact. And getting an outsider’s perspective can really help with the whole healing process.
Many men struggle with mental health issues, however, seeking professional health is still taboo, even in economically advanced countries. As Orlando Health points out, men might avoid therapy because asking for help can be perceived as a sign of ‘weakness.’ Others, meanwhile, don’t want anyone to judge them or their past.
Other men may have difficulty expressing their emotions and talking about them, so they simply try to deal with them by themselves. Still, others hate the idea that they might have to rely on therapy in the future, cutting into their independence.
Image credits: Priscilla Du Preez (not the actual photo)
Deep relationships, which are good for our health and happiness, require vulnerability and honesty
However, no person is an island. We’re social animals who need and crave love, attention, respect, and support. When we cut ourselves off from open communication, we forego deep relationships that are so fundamental to our well-being.
As shown by an 85-year-long Harvard study, positive relationships are what make us the happiest and healthiest.
On the flip side, loneliness is incredibly bad for our health. According to the US Surgeon General, social disconnection is as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
In other words, failing to connect to other people in meaningful ways is going to have a massive impact on one’s physical and mental health. On the other hand, when we’re open, vulnerable, and willing to connect with others on a deeper level, we thrive.
Knowing this won’t automatically solve someone’s deep-seated fears and issues, though. It can take many long months and even years of therapy to resolve them. However, what matters most is the willingness to take the first step and be open about these problems with the people you care about.
At the end of the day, it’s up to each individual to do what suits them best. For some people, simply being vulnerable with their loved ones is enough to heal and move forward. For others, a support group can help loads. For instance, talking about your fears as a parent with your friends who already have kids can put at least some of your fears to rest.
However, for some individuals, therapy is going to be an unavoidable part of healing their past traumas. Unlike family and friends, therapists have far more experience guiding people and reframing past events. These are all steps worth taking for the sake of being the best parent you can be.
A lot of readers had mixed reactions and had questions for the dad
Some people thought the man’s reaction wasn’t the healthiest, and they had some useful advice for him
A few internet users thought the dad did nothing wrong, but they recognized that he needs to take steps to heal
Here are a few similar stories, as shared by some of the readers
What do you think ?
LakotaWolf (she/her) 2 years ago (edited)
OP has the chance to “redeem” his fears/worries by being a fantastic father to his son! If your own father was a shítty father, it doesn’t matter the sex of your OWN baby, as a good father is a good father regardless. I understand OP’s fears, but he really needed to get some therapy/counseling about his traumatic childhood LONG before the gender reveal… he probably should have looked into therapy options (or at least informed his spouse about his fears) at the moment they found out they would be having a child. Additionally, your child’s birth sex doesn’t mean your child will be that gender once they grow older (or even act like their birth sex.) My father wanted a son… they adopted me XD I ended up enjoying “traditionally masculine” hobbies and activities. Even if I’d been a frilly girly-girl, my father would have loved me. Good dads are good dads :)
Tyke 2 years ago (edited)
therapy or counselling sounds like a great idea. I have a feeling that coupled with the fact he is so self aware, and aware that he doesn't want to be his Father, that he could surprise himself and be a fantastic Dad.
Load More Replies...
Jeremy James 2 years ago
I kind of get the gender thing here. My Dad was horrible to me, and I think a big part of it is because I look EXACTLY like him. And he hates himself.
Ace 2 years ago
Interesting. I wonder if having such a s****y father is what made me always wish I had been born a girl? I think he was just as s****y to my two elder brothers though, particularly the eldest, but they're not without their own issues either...
Load More Replies...
Gardener of Weeden 2 years ago
Persona;;y I think the wife is a HUGE AH. You NEVER make fun of or call names at someone who is crying. How is she going to deal with a boy who cries? I see emotional abuse ahead. Dad - he is just trying to get his head around how to be a good father- with counseling and some effort he will do great - realizing there is a problem is 1/2 the battle
Sonja 2 years ago
I'm worried whenever someone claims crying is useless or weak or whatever other nonsense. I myself have been told that toxic nonsense until it crippled me. And although it was unconventional, what helped me most was what an old doctor once told me: crying is the physical reaction for an emotional need. This need is real. And it is valid. Crying is like getting diarrhoea after you ate something bad. Your body is getting rid of what it's hurting you. Crying if you need to soothes your emotional pain and clears your head, just like having the runs helps your colon cleanse. When it's done, you can get some sleep and let your mind heal. And after that you're ready to tackle whatever caused it. If you fight your urge to cry it's like clenching your b******e to keep the s**t in. An absolute ridiculous thing to do that will cause you to explode if you wait too long.
Papa 2 years ago
He probably feels that way about crying because that's how he was raised. I'm not disagreeing with you, by the way.
Load More Replies... Angelique 2 years ago
I remember when I was pregnant, it was a big thing to "respect a mother's gender grief" because "it was real". On babycenter forum, everyone would console a mom "grieving" because she didn't get the gender she wanted (a girl, most of the time). But when it's a man, it's unacceptable. I call double standard. + It's stupid to judge somebody for his raw emotions. You can't prevent them.
BluEyedSeoulite 2 years ago
I hate the double standard. The video of the man who at a gender reveal showed a 5th daughter and he just walked into the pool is hilarious but it is 100% valid to be disappointed your child isn't the biological sex you had invisioned when daydreaming of your future. Getting angry about it is concerning but getting sad, normal and healthy. By the time the baby arrives, you are usually past it
Load More Replies...
DC 2 years ago
She's your wife. I know I couldn't do many of these things, that's why I'm single and make sure that this stays so, but ... if you can't talk to your wife about this, to whom, then, at all? You need to talk. Can't be TA for a feeling you didn't ask for, but for how you react to it, you can. You're not, but it will take a bit of communication to remain NTA.
Cyber 2 years ago (edited)
I don't think a lot of the replies understand about trauma is that trauma can be irrational. It doesn't abide by the laws of "common sense" because it's so personal and developed off of strong negative emotions, not logical thinking. When people were asking OP why he feels he'd treat his daughter differently than his son, it is because his specific trauma is related to a male-male relationship, not a female-male relationship, so he feels this would be the case even though it doesn't completely make sense. I think OP needs to see a therapist to overcome this, and I have no doubt he'll be a great father.
Alethea Fletcher 2 years ago
The fact that he is terrified of becoming his father means he never will. Regardless of the sex of the baby, he will love, adore, and protect him/her. Always. .. I have similar trauma from childhood, and was terrified of becoming my mother. However, when my children were born, I just loved them. I've never become my mother..and I didn't have to work hard not to. I am made differently. I did however have to work hard, and have therapy, for said trauma.
Emily Ward 2 years ago
Not ta. You are just traumatized and need to learn to communicate it. Stop judging him on the gender thing thats ridiculous people. Its his trauma thats the issue. His mind is telling him a certain sex of the child will help him not be like his dad. Its the trauma taking over not that he has actual issues with gender. Dude tell your wife what happened. See someone if you can to work through the trauma. You will do great.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 2 years ago (edited)
OP has the chance to “redeem” his fears/worries by being a fantastic father to his son! If your own father was a shítty father, it doesn’t matter the sex of your OWN baby, as a good father is a good father regardless. I understand OP’s fears, but he really needed to get some therapy/counseling about his traumatic childhood LONG before the gender reveal… he probably should have looked into therapy options (or at least informed his spouse about his fears) at the moment they found out they would be having a child. Additionally, your child’s birth sex doesn’t mean your child will be that gender once they grow older (or even act like their birth sex.) My father wanted a son… they adopted me XD I ended up enjoying “traditionally masculine” hobbies and activities. Even if I’d been a frilly girly-girl, my father would have loved me. Good dads are good dads :)
Tyke 2 years ago (edited)
therapy or counselling sounds like a great idea. I have a feeling that coupled with the fact he is so self aware, and aware that he doesn't want to be his Father, that he could surprise himself and be a fantastic Dad.
Load More Replies... Jeremy James 2 years ago
I kind of get the gender thing here. My Dad was horrible to me, and I think a big part of it is because I look EXACTLY like him. And he hates himself.
Ace 2 years ago
Interesting. I wonder if having such a s****y father is what made me always wish I had been born a girl? I think he was just as s****y to my two elder brothers though, particularly the eldest, but they're not without their own issues either...
Load More Replies... Gardener of Weeden 2 years ago
Persona;;y I think the wife is a HUGE AH. You NEVER make fun of or call names at someone who is crying. How is she going to deal with a boy who cries? I see emotional abuse ahead. Dad - he is just trying to get his head around how to be a good father- with counseling and some effort he will do great - realizing there is a problem is 1/2 the battle
Sonja 2 years ago
I'm worried whenever someone claims crying is useless or weak or whatever other nonsense. I myself have been told that toxic nonsense until it crippled me. And although it was unconventional, what helped me most was what an old doctor once told me: crying is the physical reaction for an emotional need. This need is real. And it is valid. Crying is like getting diarrhoea after you ate something bad. Your body is getting rid of what it's hurting you. Crying if you need to soothes your emotional pain and clears your head, just like having the runs helps your colon cleanse. When it's done, you can get some sleep and let your mind heal. And after that you're ready to tackle whatever caused it. If you fight your urge to cry it's like clenching your b******e to keep the s**t in. An absolute ridiculous thing to do that will cause you to explode if you wait too long.
Papa 2 years ago
He probably feels that way about crying because that's how he was raised. I'm not disagreeing with you, by the way.
Load More Replies... Angelique 2 years ago
I remember when I was pregnant, it was a big thing to "respect a mother's gender grief" because "it was real". On babycenter forum, everyone would console a mom "grieving" because she didn't get the gender she wanted (a girl, most of the time). But when it's a man, it's unacceptable. I call double standard. + It's stupid to judge somebody for his raw emotions. You can't prevent them.
BluEyedSeoulite 2 years ago
I hate the double standard. The video of the man who at a gender reveal showed a 5th daughter and he just walked into the pool is hilarious but it is 100% valid to be disappointed your child isn't the biological sex you had invisioned when daydreaming of your future. Getting angry about it is concerning but getting sad, normal and healthy. By the time the baby arrives, you are usually past it
Load More Replies... DC 2 years ago
She's your wife. I know I couldn't do many of these things, that's why I'm single and make sure that this stays so, but ... if you can't talk to your wife about this, to whom, then, at all? You need to talk. Can't be TA for a feeling you didn't ask for, but for how you react to it, you can. You're not, but it will take a bit of communication to remain NTA.
Cyber 2 years ago (edited)
I don't think a lot of the replies understand about trauma is that trauma can be irrational. It doesn't abide by the laws of "common sense" because it's so personal and developed off of strong negative emotions, not logical thinking. When people were asking OP why he feels he'd treat his daughter differently than his son, it is because his specific trauma is related to a male-male relationship, not a female-male relationship, so he feels this would be the case even though it doesn't completely make sense. I think OP needs to see a therapist to overcome this, and I have no doubt he'll be a great father.
Alethea Fletcher 2 years ago
The fact that he is terrified of becoming his father means he never will. Regardless of the sex of the baby, he will love, adore, and protect him/her. Always. .. I have similar trauma from childhood, and was terrified of becoming my mother. However, when my children were born, I just loved them. I've never become my mother..and I didn't have to work hard not to. I am made differently. I did however have to work hard, and have therapy, for said trauma.
Emily Ward 2 years ago
Not ta. You are just traumatized and need to learn to communicate it. Stop judging him on the gender thing thats ridiculous people. Its his trauma thats the issue. His mind is telling him a certain sex of the child will help him not be like his dad. Its the trauma taking over not that he has actual issues with gender. Dude tell your wife what happened. See someone if you can to work through the trauma. You will do great.
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