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Hey Pandas, AITA For Pushing Away My Husband After Finding An Inappropriate Game He Was Playing?
Moderator’s note:
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
I’m asking this question on BP instead of Reddit because I find the comments here don’t automatically go to “divorce him!” and I need advice, not judgment.
My husband and I (early 50s hetero couple) both enjoy adult entertainment. I’m not looking for judgment on that in general, so if you want to comment on that please go elsewhere. Where my problem lies is in the kind of adult videos I found my husband using.
A little background:
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My husband and I watch a show that is only available to stream online and he often watches ahead at night. I wanted to catch up today so I opened his computer
Image credits: Phillip Goldsberry (not the actual photo)
Which he has always said is fine to do (and it’s the device we use to stream the show). When I opened the browser there were so many tabs open I decided it was faster to just use the pull-down menu of tabs to find the show. But when I did, there were two recently closed tabs at the bottom (not deleted), both to a site that included the words intercourse and university.
I will admit I snooped and went to the site and what I found really upset me
Image credits: Resume Genius (not the actual photo)
It’s an animated first-player game where frat guys try to get laid by “barely 21” girls in various ways and can achieve different levels. Again, I’m OK with adult entertainment but there are two things that really bothered me about this game.
1. The girls in this game are “just” 21 (in university, hence the game title) and
2. Two of the levels are “Daddy” (getting a barely legal girl pregnant) and “Breeder” (getting multiple girls pregnant).
For context, our daughter is 22.
I took a screenshot and sent it to my husband explaining exactly how I’d come across it and that we needed to talk. His text response was “Sure.”
I lost it and we ended up talking on the phone for an hour (he’s at work and I’m at home). I tried to explain how wrong I found this and how I felt about him playing a game where he tries to have intercourse and impregnate girls younger than our daughter.
His responses came down to “It’s no big deal, it’s just a game, I’m sorry it upset you, I won’t play it anymore”
Image credits: Alex Green (not the actual photo)
When I asked how he was OK with the barely legal aspect of it he said all the disclaimers said people were over 21 and he wasn’t the one who wrote the game, he was just using it so it wasn’t like the ideas were his. Then he said that it was a game like Doom where just because you shoot a bunch of people doesn’t mean you’d do it in real life. Then he said he wasn’t using it to pleasure himself, it was just for fun. I called b******t on that but he insisted it was just for fun.
When I pointed out the incest language (“Daddy”) he claimed he wasn’t aware of it (it’s on the g*ddamn “achievements” page) and that of course that was offensive and that wasn’t something he’d ever be interested in.
I don’t even know what to do with this. He swears the age of the characters mean nothing because the avatar he uses is 21 and so are the girls, so that’s OK. He doesn’t seem to understand why I’m so upset.
He’s at work and I’ve asked him to either crash at a friend’s pad or I’ll go elsewhere tonight because I don’t think I can be around him. I’m actually sick to my stomach thinking about this. When I asked him to do that he told me no way I was throwing him out of our family home. But I’m not throwing him out, I just want a little time to process this, and if that means staying on my Dad’s couch for a few days I’m fine with that.
I’m so upset I don’t know what to do. Does the fact that it’s an animated game make it OK? Or that the characters are over 21? Am I overreacting? We can’t afford therapy and I can’t talk about this with anyone else. Help, please.
Moderator’s note:
Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.
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What do you think ?
Eppe 1 year ago
(1/2) This is gonna be downvoted into oblivion, and I'll probably deactivate my account again after this, but I'm going to give another perspective. Jung said we all have a shadow side, and that the more we try to suppress it, the darker and denser it gets. We shouldn't indulge in it either for obvious reasons. So where does that leave us? A world without violent video games, movies and tv shows would be a much nicer place, but violence is a part of us. If we can keep contact with it through such media and don't indulge in it ourselves, well, that's the best we can hope for I think. Same with sex. Middle aged men can still find 21 year old girls hot. It's not an easy truth, but is it really a surprise...? So what do we do with that uncomfortable fact? Repressing it or fully indulging in it are not good solutions in my opinion. Look at the catholic church for the effect of supressing sexuality, and the porn industry for full indulgence. Both very harmfull.
Eppe 1 year ago
(2/2) As for your husband. 1/ He plays a game where no actual girls are involved. 2/ The virtual girls are 21, not underage. 3/ He didn't try to hide his activity at all cost. All these three factors could be a lot worse... You could wish for a man without a shadow side, but I believe no-one like that exists, man or woman. Depth of the shadow may vary of course. If he's otherwise a good man, talking about this with as much mutual respect and understanding is the best way forward I think. It may help to examine your own shadow side to feel more understanding and connection. Your own shadow side is likely in another area. Facing shadows is not easy, in yourself or in another. Good luck.
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Donkey boi 1 year ago
Why'd I have a sudden flash back to to 'Leisure Suit Larry'!?! I think you are hugely overreacting, and I'm gonna assume that you're not gamer. Pretty much the first thing I do in most games is jump of a cliff, followed by trying to kill birds and children, just to see if it can be done. That doesn't mean that I'd ever do any of those things! In pretty much every game, the idea is to do things that you can't do IRL. In GTA, players pick up people in a cab, then drive it off a bridge. Your issue with the "Daddy" word! That's not how I look at the word based on what you've said; If a man get someone pregnant then he's going to be a daddy. The baby's daddy! It was your mind went to incest first! As for "Barely legal", the legal age of consent where I live is 16, to be photo'd/filmed is 18. So 21 isn't "barely" anything. Your daughter is older than a lot of porn stars! The fact that your man offered to stop playing just because it upset you, tells me he's probably a good man.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 year ago (edited)
Donkey, remembering the LSL game gave me a good laugh XD I remember that I played the first Leisure Suit Larry game when I was probably around 7 or 8. I asked my dad to answer all the age "test" questions at the beginning so I could play it on the "raunchiest" setting. He did so without hesitation. He knew what the game was about. He also knew me well enough to know I wasn't going to go crazy just by playing it. I didn't know what a lot of the references meant at the time ("Spanish Fly"?) but a game is JUST a game. I also killed a lot of people by running them over and boned a lot of hookers in the GTA series in my teens. I've never done either IRL XD
Load More Replies...
Ace 1 year ago
I'm with the husband on this. It's just a game, not even depicting anything illegal (like robbing and killing people, which seems to be perfectly acceptable in things like GTA). I cannot imagine anyone 'pleasuring themselves' to such a flirting game, unless it were showing adult content as part of it, and I'm sure she'd have said if it were. Extrapolating that he's a paedophile and/or into incest is just ridiculous.
Potato patato 1 year ago
There is definitely pornographic content in that game lmao
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R.C. 1 year ago (edited)
Just for context, I'm a woman in my 40's who has been gaming since the original Nintendo all the way to the PS5 and everything in between. You can't overthink a game and then base your whole judgement of a person based on that. The things I enjoy doing and k*lling and whatever in video games has nothing to do with my character in real life and would horrify me if I ever actually saw/did those things. Maybe that's hard to understand for someone who doesn't game but I think you're reading waaaaaay too much into it.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 year ago
I'm 42, also female, and the sheer number of people I've slaughtered in video games would fill whole galaxies XD I used to run over pedestrians and kill them and bone hookers (and then sometimes run over them and take my money back) in GTA. I've never done any of those things IRL. Games are just games.
Load More Replies...
Papa 1 year ago (edited)
To answer your question at the end, yes, I believe you are overreacting. Just because he's involved in a game with young adult imaginary women doesn't mean he will try to, or wants to, behave inappropriately with them in real life. As Eppe said, when men get older they still find young women attractive. You can find it "icky" if you want, but it doesn't change the fact.
Thanos'Fingers 1 year ago (edited)
What's ironic is there are plenty of young men who almost all women find attractive. Thor had a giant following straight from the start, and they weren't all his age. Why is it so hard to comprehend the reverse? There is a good reason the vast majority of Hollywood blockbusters are led by young good-looking stars.
Load More Replies...
Ivanka G 1 year ago
Does she also regulate what movies he watches? What books he reads? I don't know, she may not like it, but he is harming nobody by indulging in a game. I played Assassin's Creed and that involved the slaughter of whales, and people, and a few goats if I remember correctly. In my daily life I don't go around battering mammals to death or stabbing people that disagree with me, but I understand the difference between a game and reality.
similarly 1 year ago (edited)
He said that if it bothers you he won't play it any more. What more did you want? He's right. It's a game. The characters are adults, and they're characters, not real people. You and your husband are interested in adult entertainment, so what's actually the difference between this game and the other adult entertainment you watch? You called him at work and took an HOUR of his work time to complain, and you jumped RIGHT to "let's be apart". You want him to go somewhere else tonight, or you're going to go somewhere else. Let me be blunt: this isn't about a game, or even the kind of game, or the content of the game. There's something else here that's driving this anger. I would suggest that you and your husband DON'T need space unless you want that space to grow. You need to communicate, and do so honestly, openly.
visacrum 1 year ago
Like @Eppe, I may or may not be downvoted into oblivion. But I'm not seeing any wrongdoing here. BEFORE DOWNVOTING, allow me to explain: I'm not sure why 'barely 21' is being treated as though the phrase was 'barely 18' in this situation. 21 isn't the legal age to consent to sex, it's the legal age to drink. Yes, YES, the daughter is around that age. I get that. That doesn't mean he's horning on the daughter, AT ALL. Did you find a bunch of 'daddy daughter' porn? If so, there'd be a concern. But if there were a bunch of that, I'm sure there wouldn't be an open door policy. 'Oh, he could delete his search history.' Did you even check the search history? I think that would be more significant than going off the rails on a stupid video game he plays.
C W 1 year ago
Are you concerned that he'll hurt or be inappropriate to your daughter? Ask him directly. Ask her. Don't call him at work, though. Wait until he's home. I think he gets points for talking with you about it immediately.
Yu Pan 1 year ago
Yes, I have to say, like the husband, I also don't really understand why Op is angry. The only I can think of is if Op is worried husband may have thoughts about daughter. If that's the case, verbalize it!
Load More Replies... Thanos'Fingers 1 year ago (edited)
Answers here not explaining it well at all. The reason he's playing a sex game with "barely legal" bullshït all over it is because that is basically ALL sex games on the internet. They don't really make animated sex games with older mature women, because it's animated. They are all cartoons. Some other middle aged dude drew them in his basement based off his fantasies and then turned it into software. If THIS is the most offensive thing your husband has done, the last thing I'd be doing is kicking him out in my opinion. Unless you WANT him to leave for a younger woman, because I'm sure he would if kicked enough. Sounds like he wants more sex or isn't getting it. Also, just for futures reference with porn, it's highly unlikely you will find many people actually under 21 in it. Because no 19 year old leaves home and says "I want to suck a dīck for a living!" However, 99% of the people in porn will pretend to be 18-21 because that's what society has deemed attractive. Blame humans.
Eppe 1 year ago
(1/2) This is gonna be downvoted into oblivion, and I'll probably deactivate my account again after this, but I'm going to give another perspective. Jung said we all have a shadow side, and that the more we try to suppress it, the darker and denser it gets. We shouldn't indulge in it either for obvious reasons. So where does that leave us? A world without violent video games, movies and tv shows would be a much nicer place, but violence is a part of us. If we can keep contact with it through such media and don't indulge in it ourselves, well, that's the best we can hope for I think. Same with sex. Middle aged men can still find 21 year old girls hot. It's not an easy truth, but is it really a surprise...? So what do we do with that uncomfortable fact? Repressing it or fully indulging in it are not good solutions in my opinion. Look at the catholic church for the effect of supressing sexuality, and the porn industry for full indulgence. Both very harmfull.
Eppe 1 year ago
(2/2) As for your husband. 1/ He plays a game where no actual girls are involved. 2/ The virtual girls are 21, not underage. 3/ He didn't try to hide his activity at all cost. All these three factors could be a lot worse... You could wish for a man without a shadow side, but I believe no-one like that exists, man or woman. Depth of the shadow may vary of course. If he's otherwise a good man, talking about this with as much mutual respect and understanding is the best way forward I think. It may help to examine your own shadow side to feel more understanding and connection. Your own shadow side is likely in another area. Facing shadows is not easy, in yourself or in another. Good luck.
Load More Replies... Donkey boi 1 year ago
Why'd I have a sudden flash back to to 'Leisure Suit Larry'!?! I think you are hugely overreacting, and I'm gonna assume that you're not gamer. Pretty much the first thing I do in most games is jump of a cliff, followed by trying to kill birds and children, just to see if it can be done. That doesn't mean that I'd ever do any of those things! In pretty much every game, the idea is to do things that you can't do IRL. In GTA, players pick up people in a cab, then drive it off a bridge. Your issue with the "Daddy" word! That's not how I look at the word based on what you've said; If a man get someone pregnant then he's going to be a daddy. The baby's daddy! It was your mind went to incest first! As for "Barely legal", the legal age of consent where I live is 16, to be photo'd/filmed is 18. So 21 isn't "barely" anything. Your daughter is older than a lot of porn stars! The fact that your man offered to stop playing just because it upset you, tells me he's probably a good man.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 year ago (edited)
Donkey, remembering the LSL game gave me a good laugh XD I remember that I played the first Leisure Suit Larry game when I was probably around 7 or 8. I asked my dad to answer all the age "test" questions at the beginning so I could play it on the "raunchiest" setting. He did so without hesitation. He knew what the game was about. He also knew me well enough to know I wasn't going to go crazy just by playing it. I didn't know what a lot of the references meant at the time ("Spanish Fly"?) but a game is JUST a game. I also killed a lot of people by running them over and boned a lot of hookers in the GTA series in my teens. I've never done either IRL XD
Load More Replies... Ace 1 year ago
I'm with the husband on this. It's just a game, not even depicting anything illegal (like robbing and killing people, which seems to be perfectly acceptable in things like GTA). I cannot imagine anyone 'pleasuring themselves' to such a flirting game, unless it were showing adult content as part of it, and I'm sure she'd have said if it were. Extrapolating that he's a paedophile and/or into incest is just ridiculous.
Potato patato 1 year ago
There is definitely pornographic content in that game lmao
Load More Replies... R.C. 1 year ago (edited)
Just for context, I'm a woman in my 40's who has been gaming since the original Nintendo all the way to the PS5 and everything in between. You can't overthink a game and then base your whole judgement of a person based on that. The things I enjoy doing and k*lling and whatever in video games has nothing to do with my character in real life and would horrify me if I ever actually saw/did those things. Maybe that's hard to understand for someone who doesn't game but I think you're reading waaaaaay too much into it.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 year ago
I'm 42, also female, and the sheer number of people I've slaughtered in video games would fill whole galaxies XD I used to run over pedestrians and kill them and bone hookers (and then sometimes run over them and take my money back) in GTA. I've never done any of those things IRL. Games are just games.
Load More Replies... Papa 1 year ago (edited)
To answer your question at the end, yes, I believe you are overreacting. Just because he's involved in a game with young adult imaginary women doesn't mean he will try to, or wants to, behave inappropriately with them in real life. As Eppe said, when men get older they still find young women attractive. You can find it "icky" if you want, but it doesn't change the fact.
Thanos'Fingers 1 year ago (edited)
What's ironic is there are plenty of young men who almost all women find attractive. Thor had a giant following straight from the start, and they weren't all his age. Why is it so hard to comprehend the reverse? There is a good reason the vast majority of Hollywood blockbusters are led by young good-looking stars.
Load More Replies... Ivanka G 1 year ago
Does she also regulate what movies he watches? What books he reads? I don't know, she may not like it, but he is harming nobody by indulging in a game. I played Assassin's Creed and that involved the slaughter of whales, and people, and a few goats if I remember correctly. In my daily life I don't go around battering mammals to death or stabbing people that disagree with me, but I understand the difference between a game and reality.
similarly 1 year ago (edited)
He said that if it bothers you he won't play it any more. What more did you want? He's right. It's a game. The characters are adults, and they're characters, not real people. You and your husband are interested in adult entertainment, so what's actually the difference between this game and the other adult entertainment you watch? You called him at work and took an HOUR of his work time to complain, and you jumped RIGHT to "let's be apart". You want him to go somewhere else tonight, or you're going to go somewhere else. Let me be blunt: this isn't about a game, or even the kind of game, or the content of the game. There's something else here that's driving this anger. I would suggest that you and your husband DON'T need space unless you want that space to grow. You need to communicate, and do so honestly, openly.
visacrum 1 year ago
Like @Eppe, I may or may not be downvoted into oblivion. But I'm not seeing any wrongdoing here. BEFORE DOWNVOTING, allow me to explain: I'm not sure why 'barely 21' is being treated as though the phrase was 'barely 18' in this situation. 21 isn't the legal age to consent to sex, it's the legal age to drink. Yes, YES, the daughter is around that age. I get that. That doesn't mean he's horning on the daughter, AT ALL. Did you find a bunch of 'daddy daughter' porn? If so, there'd be a concern. But if there were a bunch of that, I'm sure there wouldn't be an open door policy. 'Oh, he could delete his search history.' Did you even check the search history? I think that would be more significant than going off the rails on a stupid video game he plays.
C W 1 year ago
Are you concerned that he'll hurt or be inappropriate to your daughter? Ask him directly. Ask her. Don't call him at work, though. Wait until he's home. I think he gets points for talking with you about it immediately.
Yu Pan 1 year ago
Yes, I have to say, like the husband, I also don't really understand why Op is angry. The only I can think of is if Op is worried husband may have thoughts about daughter. If that's the case, verbalize it!
Load More Replies... Thanos'Fingers 1 year ago (edited)
Answers here not explaining it well at all. The reason he's playing a sex game with "barely legal" bullshït all over it is because that is basically ALL sex games on the internet. They don't really make animated sex games with older mature women, because it's animated. They are all cartoons. Some other middle aged dude drew them in his basement based off his fantasies and then turned it into software. If THIS is the most offensive thing your husband has done, the last thing I'd be doing is kicking him out in my opinion. Unless you WANT him to leave for a younger woman, because I'm sure he would if kicked enough. Sounds like he wants more sex or isn't getting it. Also, just for futures reference with porn, it's highly unlikely you will find many people actually under 21 in it. Because no 19 year old leaves home and says "I want to suck a dīck for a living!" However, 99% of the people in porn will pretend to be 18-21 because that's what society has deemed attractive. Blame humans.
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